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slavnar95

When some perv back in the 90s called my house, and was all breathing heavy into the phone... my dad answered and the guy said, "Suck my dick." My dad without a pause said, "I want a meal, not a snack."For some reason it still makes me laugh today. \*edit\* Thank you all for the kind words and awards! I made this as just a throwaway comment, not thinking there would be any sort of reaction to it. Was just a memory of my dad that popped up. So thanks kind strangers for makingg my day.


Ace-of-Wolves

What a fucking legend 😂


bismuth9

Reminds me of my aunt who got a similar call in the 90s. Heavy breathing on his end of course, the conversation went this way: \- Do you know what I have in my hand? \- No? \- A dick... \- Okay, do know what's in mine? \- *(audibly taken aback)* Uh no? \- THE SAME THING! *clack*


ontether

To be that quick witted!!


artanimepoetry

It reminds me of when I used to work at a pizza place in high school and some girls called laughing and asked if we sell vaginas. I said, Yeah do you want them wet or dry? And they laughed so hard and said wow we prank called but that was epic.


Lord_Fallendorn

Underrated, thats perfect xD


SirBearicus

Charity work? In this economy?


Snoo_79564

Did anyone else read this in Lucille Bluth's voice?


CuriousTsukihime

Mallory Archer 🤣


Ivy_lane_Denizen

Iirc same voice. Couldnt think of anyone better for that role


ITamagotchu

Jessica Walter. Absolute hero.


Snoo74401

"It's one assassination. How much could it cost? Ten dollars?"


CuriousTsukihime

There are starving children in Africa! Yeah? Name one 🤣


haileypizza1

Absolutely


DivineShockwave

The Nanny, Francine Joy Drescher for me lol


Blainefeinspains

Volcanic burn.


RandomGuyWithStick

Sorry, I'm allergic to shrimp


CoolBreeze125

#JUMBO SHRIMP


gliitch0xFF

Cocktail Shrimp To the person who asked me to DM them, Reddit lost your message.


Aygis

BBQ shrimp


sharpie-sapien365247

You mean lobster? Its a shellfish allergy so yes.


ColdComfortFam

Consider my lobster.


rebels_chance

This is perfect because I am actually allergic to shrimp 😂


Tabsau

*"Your breath says you got to it first."'*


SnooApples3155

Damn im stealing that one


Botryoid2000

"Why, is your mother busy?"


annoyed_motto

This sounded like Alabama


ami2weird4u

*banjo playing intensifies*


DonutOwlGaming

WHERE THE SKYS ARE BLUE


Jedda678

So blue*


veganmeat101

I aint your sister


AdExcellent9188

Emocional damage


Peruvian-in-TX

Emocional y difícil


DonutOwlGaming

Emoconil dimge


minecon1776

Emcnl dmg


Alternative_Skin_732

Mmcl g


DefunctInTheFunk

Boom Shaka-laka!


CanadagoBrrrr

The call me the "Sister Fister"


mrfixit19

Mark a spot, you're all dick.


sahinotenara

Good one!


Thoughtful_Ocelot

Sorry, I already flossed today.


Horror-School-6713

Burn!


Suspicious-Jicama-68

Read in Kelso’s voice


kyussorder

Slagathor, is it you?


HealerDominatingKS

one time i told a guy in school to "go suck a dick" and he replied "Okay, drop your pants" and it left me so stunned it was like a one-hit kill for me


ClownfishSoup

So, are you guys still together?


Rabble_Arouser

So, how was the blow job?


lime_god69

This is the type of thing I love to say(coming from a man who diffuses arguments by blowing kisses a the opponent)


Hargelbargel

Whoa whoa....Look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I just don't see you that way. (The more genuine this comes off, the better, and it's better if you're a guy using this.) If they try to retort with more insults, just constantly interrupt them with stuff like: It's not you, it's me. I'm going through a lot of stuff right now. I think of you like a big sister.


_Weyland_

You're a guy. He's a guy. And you hit him with >I think of you like a big sister. Chances are this willshort circuit them.


Mikesaidit36

Willshortz is a great puzzlemaster


_Weyland_

That's a missing space I no longer miss, lol.


AlligatorRaper

I used something similar on a coworker that was relentless. Cracked gay jokes and sucking dick jokes towards me non stop. It was all in good fun but it was constant. I called him out for his unusual gay sexual fantasies towards me, how he always imagined me sucking his dick. I told him that while I did not judge him for this I just didn’t feel the same way or have the same thoughts. It worked brilliantly, the more people around the better the results were. Edit: Words


backtolurk

Let's just stay friends, alright?


Upper-Progress6023

Maybe he said this while having sex and she is not into it..


Proud_Taste_819

Underated comment right here.


SadieSantaMonica

Present it.


RamsThunderingHooves

I used to work in oil and gas. Was still very homophobic work environment at the time. I was in my mid 20s still paying dues, Old School Drill Rig Manager wasn't happy with an aswere I gave him so he aggressively told me to suck his dick. Without looking up from my laptop i snap back just as aggressively "Present it!" About 45 seconds later his dick, silver pubes and all, was sitting on the other end of the desk. I looked at his limp sausage for a moment, then looked him in the eye, threw my hands up "You Win." Everyone one on the rig floor was doubled over laughing for the next hour. Moral of the story: If you say "present it" sometimes they will. Edit: Thanks for the awards. Anybody else giggling over the snake award with this story?


ZardozSama

"Present It" as a response to the 'Suck My Dick' Demand is more likely to get the desired result if you work place has certain characteristics. Before using that response ask yourself 'If Bob and John got into a fight fight today at work, what are the likely consequences?' If the likely response is something along the lines of 'Security will be called, HR will get involved, Bob and John will likely be terminated immediately, and Ruth from Accounting will probably have a panic attack", then your colleague will likely back down when told to 'Present it'. However, if the likely response is more like "Robert will probably tell them to quit dicking around and take that shit off company property. Alan will probably start taking bets. John will probably have his bell rung, and we will laugh about this over beer later', than you will probably end up looking at silver pubes and limp sausage. END COMMUNICATION


LarryCraigSmeg

Yep, sounds real homophobic alright…


Howizzle90

Whoops sorry meant homoerotic


clitoram

Usually the most homophobic places are the most homoerotic…


Rabble_Arouser

So, you sucked it, right?


mheinken

My uncle once brought home the saying from work “smoke this!” After my aunt heard this one too many times she said “whip it out”. He did and she grabbed a lighter and said “I have to light it first”


Changoleo

Classic Garrison.


gustofwindddance

Nope, it’s Ms. Choksondik that says this.


Changoleo

Wasn’t it after she consulted Garrison in his cave though? I thought he fed her the line.


Siriuxx

Yep. And it wasn't "suck my dick." It was "suck my balls."


Tassiebarwench

That he did.


2geek2bcool

As instructed by Mr Garrison.


epicredditdude1

Hah! Ms. Choksondik? More like Ms. Makes me sick!


Anotheraccount301

Gf tried this once and she didn't think I would, she was wrong.


betcher73

So was everyone at the funeral.


RandomGuyWithStick

Nothing to see here, just some mourning wood


Emu_with_attitude

Username checks out


Outnabout3535325

it's not funny unless you're challenging a dude's sexuality


titleywinker

Sometimes dick sucking isn’t supposed to be funny


NickelFish

Tragic Dick Sucking commences.


fx2009

Le sob, le suck


starrydynamo

Cue up the Cbat!


leatherwolf89

Yes sir


SephariusX

*Locks the door*


LordSeismic

\*unzips his pants\*


[deleted]

*looks, then zips it back again and leaves*


auntiemaury

Yes daddy


scman81956

Ask him if it comes in adult size


Needtight

I have used that line before. Left him standing there with a stupid look on his face. 😂


Pennywhack

I don't do cocktail wieners


Sol44444

You don’t have the balls to whip it out!


littlelegs5055

But what if they do?


dmc-going-digital

Then you do it


brokenmessiah

You legally have to


dmc-going-digital

For honor


GwnIk

If you're fighting about a small thing, you can just let them win. "Yeah, maybe spaghetti should not be eaten with a knife. You are right. Thanks for showing all of us your... solid proof.


ftmommmy

"I guess since you're begging.."


StrengthCalm129

Omg thats fking perfect Edit: (other options include “only if you beg” or just “beg”)


turntablesshrute

Small things cause a choking hazard


Outrageous_Doubt_826

I haven't done it before, can you show me how to?


FalconDCW

A variant of that could be " I've never done that before. You'll have to show me how you usually do it"


VaultBoy9

"I beg your pardon, old chap, but I'm an absolute novice at the art of applying skillful oral stimulation to male genitalia. Can you perhaps provide a demonstration, as word has circulated that you are in fact quite accomplished in giving scores of gentlemen a bit of the old 'good heavens!'"


Crockpot_gator_Snot

"Are you coming on to me?"


Boringdad25

They might if you ask nicely


RisingHalcyon

"That's gonna cost ya 5 grand if you want the guak turbo vacuum 3000 from a guy like me."


finnjakefionnacake

know your worth!


RiceBear6265

gawk gawk 3000


awsoe

"okay, what time?"


sharpie-sapien365247

Friday 9.30pm, ill pick you up at 5, take you out to a movie then have dinner, ill bring you back to my place, where i have some wine. By 9, mellow out with some smooth jazz on my couch, i proceed to open up the couch because its a couch bed. Then by 9.30pm as predicted, you will suck my cock


Lazyeggcake

I'd do it after all that. Holy shit


MelancholicMeadow20

9:30 doesn’t work for me. Can we reschedule?


sharpie-sapien365247

Fine, forget the movie and ill pick you up and we'll do it in the car. With thd smooth jazz playing on the radio. Bring a fork coz ill have fondue in the car.


awsoe

We can fon-do it in the car if you're strapped for time


MelancholicMeadow20

Ooo I’m a huge fondue fan


Notasammon

Okie dokie if I get all that


ScamboOfDoom

Ugh, you sound just like your mom when you say that.


Healthy-Surround-229

Ur mom has a dick?


NotTooOldForThis

Yes, she call him Junior!


_austinm

Suck your own dick, coward


sharpie-sapien365247

*proceeds to suck his own dick "Well ill be damned"


FreddaChee

"ok"


betcher73

$2 to touch it. $3 to touch it while I touch myself $4 to touch it while I touch my toes $5 for a zj


God_is_my_co-pirate

What tf is a zj


Wise-Manufacturer324

If you have to ask, you can’t afford it


PM_Me_Your_NMR_Data

Classic Landfill.


RiteTrNClyde

He farted a whole plumb once. I was plumb surprised.


malenkylizards

It's a bj given by a Zaddy


Katniss218

A russian bj


Typical-Associate347

A bj while their sleeping or high (as in Zzz)


Shinobi1994

Love that scene. Also made me think of the principal from American dad. "What are you doing. I'm showing you my butt. Wait you thought those were doing dong prices? Nahhh"


Sam_I_Am83

If I could get yo mama off of it first.


EZkg

Leave my mother out of this, and I’ll leave this (points to cock) outta your mother!


Horror-School-6713

Let’s get off of mom’s, because I just got off yours.


dekkerimme

This one is great!


Dovahgereas

"This conversation is childish, and small objects present choking hazards to children."


PlentyMuted1134

Well its pretty weird ngl if a child takes it seriously and-


dmc-going-digital

You're a child?


[deleted]

[удалено]


KrattBoy2006

"Grow one first." Everyone cheered me on when those words came out of my mouth. God, middle school rocked.


oldnyoung

There's the old classic. This is the first one I thought of too lol


SourPlanets

“Your mom must have told you about my services 😏”


SlightlyAlmighty

So... you sucked his mom's dick too?


Rabble_Arouser

No no no, his mom is his pimp.


randomguy8653

"you first" or: "only if you suck mine first"


Flodo_McFloodiloo

"Okay, but I reserve the right to bite it, too."


bbrasseaux76

Your dick already sucks


Danish__Valkyrie

"Suck my clit"


daddioz

So how was the wedding? Nice?


Danish__Valkyrie

What now?


erotyk

suck mine first ​ its funny because as soon as he end you dont hold your word or thats the point of this rebuttal not holding your word


WitherLele

69 is ok?


Amy-Paradise

Me: *starts sucking dick* Me a few seconds later: "I remember when I used to have one of these."


A_Guy_Named_Matthew

"Bets on you, I'm in to that shit." Would be a good comeback


Amy-Paradise

If he said that after my smart-ass remark then he definitely earned the rest of that blowjob lol


jazzraccoon

This is the winner in my book


ph33randloathing

You got any tweezers?


TheJzaday

If I could find it I would


Bakfunk

i am more confortable sucking my own dick so no thanks.


Glittering_Ad6053

"I only suck Big Bamboo, not Toothpicks."


RWBYRain

suck it ya self ya lazy c-nt


Mannymac2000

Sorry. Small parts are a choking hazard.


Thehopefuldeath

"What color is your Ferrari?"


NMoosh

I didn’t know you were gay


finnjakefionnacake

it's only gay if you do the sucking


Mostly_Overrated77

No, it's only gay if your pinky is sticking out


finnjakefionnacake

you use hands during your blowjobs? super gay.


Mostly_Overrated77

It's for stability


[deleted]

[удалено]


WitherLele

yes but they were thigh high


[deleted]

[удалено]


MorrisMossHair

Grab it and start sucking.


saltynanners15

Wait, does this actually work?!? Be right back... Edit: I may need legal advice, anyone know a decent lawyer?


Turbulent-Rub-4598

Better call saul


TheTrashman44

Make him fall in love with you


KMjolnir

"I mean, I'll need tweezers and a magnifying glass to find it first."


HashtagPunchALlama

But then what do you do when they hand you the tweezers & magnifying glass and start settling in for a bj you agreed to?


esneedham12

“Kyle, suck…my balls”.


Bitbatgaming

For sure!


Madness_Incarne

I'm sorry. I'm allergic to cock.


RedhandjillNA

I would if I could find it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


BlazerWookiee

I'll be gay for two seconds. You'll be dickless for life. Or Whip it out, and I'll show you what the other end looks like.


Growth-Beginning

"That's not at all how you make that happen." Walk away.


mackxzs

If you're in public, go into their pants as fast as you can, then pull out the penis. If you're fast enough, it will still be soft, allowing you to make fun of them like "LMAO I WISH I COULD BUT MR. LIMPDICK HERE CAN'T FOLLOW THROUGH WITH HIS THREATS" Then kick them in the balls to establish dominance


finnjakefionnacake

strangely specific


youcantfindthesmell

Is this from experience?


mackxzs

Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy


[deleted]

If you have to ask …


debtopramenschultz

Just chomp your teeth and smile.


JQuest7575

1. OMG... when did you get a dick?!! 2. Sorry, I'm on a diet. No empty calories. 3. Stop sucking on the Boss's dick first!


I_Taste_Like_Spiders

Suck it? I thought yours was an innie...


cherryy666666

When


Gryffindorq

the bj you need, not the bj you deserve


ykey80

Lick my clit


Iride3wheels

"If I did that you would be knocking on my bedroom window at 2am every morning and I really need my sleep"


The_Muntje

“You can’t afford that”


Miserable_Animator59

I can't have shrimp.


CRO553R

(LOUDLY) Again!? Did you at least wash the dog slobber off your dick this time?


smurfee213

OK.


Daytona7892

Front page last week. And a week before that. Karma farming continues


finnjakefionnacake

While I tend to agree with you, unfortunately the repeat/common questions seem to be the only ones people answer. When I see people asking novel, interesting things those threads are always super dead :(


5thPhantom

Isnt most of Reddit karma farming? Is that not what this subreddit has been for the past years?