Pretty much anything you look at and think, “I can fix him.”
Or relatedly, “But he won’t do that with/to me.”
No you can’t, and yes he will.
Additionally, just the urge to "fix" him is also toxic imo. You love people for who they are, not who you want them to be.
Yep, that's kind of the female equivalent for "don't stick your dick in crazy". It's very tempting and a potentially exhilarating project, but not worth it.
If a guy tells you he's no good, listen.
Should’ve ran when mine said “I’m not like other guys, I’m worse”
My 3rd date with my no ex husband. He told me he was no good. I told him I wasn't afraid. 10 years and multiple beatings later he finally gets arrested for assault. I get a restraining order and a prompt divorce.
Fucking listen. I wish I did.
Holes in the drywall.
In my defense, the hole came from leaning on it.
Not enough framing?
Bit of a sad story about this, but our house has holes everywhere basically. Holes in the bathroom, cracked glass in the living room. Been 10 years and still cant afford to replace them.
Didnt help when I was on my first date at 16 years old and she saw the bathroom was a mess despite everything we did to clean up.
For the record it wasnt me that smashed them, they were there from decades of family arguments and the only one caused by me directly (rather than someone I was fighting with) was when I collapsed into the bathtub from illness and broke a massive hole through the side. Still hasnt been fixed.
God living here in this former colosseum makes me depressed.
Maybe I'm not understanding, but it costs almost nothing to fix holes in drywall. Like, you could do a bunch of big ass holes for less than $10. Less than $18 if you needed to buy a putty knife.
Anger management issues. Holes in drywall, being in fights despite “never looking for them,” or even toad rage.
This is a red flag on its own, but it gets worse when getting defensive about it. “Oh, I got mad when [x, y, z] happened, but I didn’t hurt anyone” is a half step away from “I hit [person] when [x, y, z] happened.” Someone so easily angered has all the ability in the world to be physically abusive.
I’ve seen this as early as high school, and these are the assholes who never grow up and face the unfair acts of the world with a plan. They simply react and never advance; they move along or worse: regress.
These are also the first ones to gaslight anyone in an embarrassing situation. These types are always right and everyone else is wrong. “But I have a great sense of humor.”
Edit: I’m leaving toad rage in there. Sure. They can hate toads as much as traffic.
FUCK them toads
Nothing infuriates me more than TOADS. F\*CK TOADS.
Whoa. Major red flag here ladies.
Toad rage is definitely a red flag. Hop the fuck away.
Keep an eye out for insincere apologies. “I’m sorry YOU feel that way” or something similar is not an apology.
Pushing small boundaries that aren’t a “big deal.” Then, once called out on it, backpedaling, apologizing for it and then DOING IT AGAIN.
My old boss and current supervisor
Yeah, I find it fascinating that an abusive relationship with a boss can be VERY similar to an abusive relationship with a partner. In the end, they're both relationships.
>I also resented myself a lot because I thought I had more self-respect than to get stuck in an abusive relationship
That is a key aspect of abusive relationships that most people don't recognise. Being the victim in one is intuitively shameful, and it takes a lot of careful reasoning to realise that it isn't.
I had to witness the abuse I suffered through the lens of a friend. When they told me about their horrible past relationship; the abuse, the lies, the deceit… I was furious. How dare someone I love and admire be treated with so little dignity and respect.
And suddenly, the bell rang, the light shined, and my eyes were open… her story was my story… all the crap was the same as my crap, and the abuse I was sitting in the middle of, neatly organized into handy little compartments of tiny concessions made over the course of a decade, was finally very, *very* clear to me.
And so I use my story to try and encourage people to instead of feeling shame, just talk about it. Let it out. Because you never know if the person listening could be saved by your honesty and transparency. It takes a certain vulnerability and feeling admission and guilt … but it was that which brought my salvation. I escaped a miserable abusive marriage because someone was willing to tell their story.
Never be shamed into silence. Never. Speak your truth and be a hero.
Some people don't even bother apologizing, they just gaslight you.
"I never did that! Tell me when I did that!"
"...that's not how it happened/it wasn't *that* bad"
I genuinely forget when I do things, what things I did. I take my wife's word as gospel when that happens. It's a legit concern that I might be unintentionally gaslighting her, so I keep notes of important things, like dates and whatnot.
Yay depression and adhd.
Well if it makes you feel any better, gaslighting in its original context was meant to be intentional. Now people use it any time someone disagrees really, and the problem is that two people can see the same situation differently. So what can sound like gaslighting at times, is really one person trying to detail their own perception of a situation.
Inability to compromise.
HUGE. the sole reason for my divorce. People ask all the time why if we seem so great together we broke up decade marriage. It became impossible to live and be with him. His way or no way. I can't live like that.
Sounds like my dad. You either have to accept that he is right, or drop it and never mention it again.
Otherwise he'll scream things like "I am your father", "you're a fool", "how dare you".
Did everyone just have the same father?
Man I got into a days-long fight with my best friend because she wouldn’t god damn concede that mocha is coffee + chocolate, not JUST chocolate.
SHE WORKED AT STARBUCKS FFS
Edit - thanks to the many commenters who made me aware of the mocha/chocolate sauce discrepancy. I get that it’s just chocolate cuz it’s understood you’ll be adding it to coffee, a blend which then creates mocha. I can see where it could be confusing.
During our original argument we were speaking about the flavor of mocha, not the Starbucks sauce.
Edit 2 - I can see this really lit a fire under some people. I guess this is just one of those hot button issues
Edit 3 - my friend is awesome. Please no hate.
But... if it was just chocolate it'd be a hot chocolate? Right?
Was she serving people who wanted mochas hot chocolates instead??
Maybe she thinks chocolate + milk is hot chocolate and chocolate + water is mocha? But that’s just a hot Yoo-hoo…
Also, “hot Yoo-hoo” sounds fucking gross. It might not BE gross, but boy does it *sound* gross.
Yoo-hoos are perfect when they're cold as shit
A hot yoo-hoo sounds like a bathroom disaster
It sounds like a sexual euphemism involving poop. Hot, liquid, poop.
If only there were another drink which was just chocolate...owait
Not inability to compromise. REFUSAL to even try to find a compromise.
This is a big one.
"My way or no way" people suck balls. I can't stand when people tell me what to do either; I'm glad to help but don't act "better" than me because you are in charge.
Tried to find a less common one.
For people looking for a long term partner:
Beware when someone complains about everything and is seemingly the victim in every situation.
This is the type of person that will very quickly blame you if anything goes wrong, and is likely shitting on you to other people already. Secondly, it means you will be perpetually drained by the negativity over the long haul.
I think I used to be like that. I went through some shit alright, but I think it became just a very, very good excuse. I got better by taking as much responsability as I could. This by trying to be as honest as I could. Like I'd fight with my wife and it started out, in my head, as she's wrong, I'm right. But I tried to honestly ask myself, even if she was wrong how many percent the escalation was my fault. Like could there be something, anything at all that I could've done better, to make the siruation better? Turn out when you ask this question, damn the answer is yes, almost always.
It's hard work but my wife and I are still together!
I heard someone say when you're arguing with your partner it shouldn't be you vs your partner, it should be you and your partner vs the problem. Like you said, in almost every situation that leads to a fight both parties are to some extent responsible, and if both people can identify where their responsibility lies and works to better themselves, it will help your relationship immensely. Me and my wife both grew up with parents that fought each other to win and it often got nasty, and in an effort to not end up like that we have solved a lot of problems in our marriage by working together.
> when you're arguing with your partner it shouldn't be you vs your partner, it should be you and your partner vs the problem
I love that approach.
Something I try to keep in mind is a (kinda cliched) thing from Covey's "7 Habits" book: "Seek first to understand, then be understood."
I often find that if someone's upset (me, a partner) I may not fully understand the nature of the problem. Asking questions and trying to understand with empathy is part of working with a partner to fix a problem.
Nice job using cognitive behavioral therapy to change your behavior. This can be a real challenge.
True story. Had an ex do that early on in the relationship. Complained about every ex. Said that he couldn't catch a break. 47 and his story for not having his life together was based on problems not his own. Didn't admit to any faults. Went nuclear on me two months into our relationship. By the end I didn't know which way was up and like you said, drained. My spirit was gone for a little bit. Thanks for sharing that.
If he doesn’t respect your boundaries…
If he doesn’t respect consent…
If he makes you feel any less of a person than you feel when you’re *not* around him…
If it looks, smells, and waves in the wind like a fucking red flag, treat it as such. It’s not worth the risk.
Suddenly flying off the handle at a minor inconvenience. It's one thing to stub your toe at the end of a bad day and give the table a whack. It's another if every moment of stress or misfortune triggers rage.
I was dating a girl and forgot to lock her car door when we got out to go into a Walgreens for some snacks. She absolutely LOST it. Like screaming AND crying. For about 20 minutes. I just sat silently took it and then asked to meet her the next day and broke up with her because I was not comfortable with that explosion over anything. Especially a mistake that I could have easily just started paying more attention to.
Oh I see you dated my ex fiancée. We broke up after she had a screaming temper tantrum in Walmart over towels.
Lmao this girl i worked with had a massive tantrum in at chinese new year celebrations for some dumb reason, with her bf and her bf brother and they were so shocked. He dumped her immediately and she regretted it since
We were friends at the time and i remember it was very silly and childish
Ha. I lived with these sisters. One of them had the flu and lashed out at her sister in a way so mild that it didn't register to me that she was behaving oddly for a sick person. Her sister was shocked enough she felt she had to explain to me that that behavior is NOT typical for her.
In contrast to an ex of mine who would say worse things when under any amount of stress then get mad if you brought it up because she didn't think she said anything wrong.
I need massive help with this
Ps, everyone thank you for what youve all said
PSS holy shit im about to leave for work, thank you eeveryone so so much for your responses
The way I dealt with this is telling myself just how inconsequential the thing I’m mad at is.
If I got mad at a video game, even if what happened was completely unfair, I say “how is this problem ACTUALLY going to affect my life?”
The only time when it will actually affect your life is when it leads to you lashing out and breaking something or doing something you can’t take back
I learned something similar that helped me a lot with my temper issues. It's called "the rule of 5's" and its simple. When something makes you angry, stop and think about how long is appropriate to be angry about it - 5 seconds? 5 Minutes? 5 Hours? 5 Days? etc etc... Don't bury the anger, but be upset for an amount of time that makes sense. Eventually it got to the point where unless I am really in a bad way, it is much more difficult to get me to lose it on something.
Sounds like control issues. If you feel like you don't have control over the big things in your life you try to micromanage and control small things to perfection. Accept that you're imperfect and you don't have control over everything, especially other people. Realize nobody thinks about you as much as you do. Give yourself some forgiveness and leniency. You're just a monkey that wears shoes.
I have BPD. sudden rage is my thing.
Well, except that I've put a lot of work in, over the last 10 years, to learn to control it. and learning to control it seems to have even reduced how easily it's triggered.
Bottom line - learning to cope with annoying or upsetting events makes your life so much better.
I mean, I have people actually comment on how much I've changed for the better over the last decade.
> Well, except that I've put a lot of work in, over the last 10 years,
You probably don't need a random internet-person tellling you this, but just in case...
Genuinely: Good on you.
Lack of respect for boundaries.
My GF says one of the sexiest things I do is take "no" for an answer and not act hurt or rejected.
You: hey wanna fuck?
You: ok cool.
Her: damn that was sexy let's fuck.
Swear to God I've had this Convo word for word with my husband.
"But you...said you weren't interested?"
"Yeah but then you respected me like I'm a human being and apparently that's a huge fucking turn on, so let's hop to it."
I've had similar with my wife.
I like to think that she just reconsidered because she wasn't thinking about it but then she did and realized I'm a sexxy sexxy man.
She might have because of the way some people's sex drive works. Responsive sex drive is when someone is turned on when something stimulating to them occurs.
This is in contrast to a spontaneous sexual desire, which is exactly what it sounds like.
When you understand these two concepts it can help if there is a disconnect with you two. I am a spontaneous type whereas my wife is responsive. So, I have to make an effort toward my wife to have her be responsive. Whereas I could be literally on my death bed and be like "wanna have sex". Without an empathetic understand of how other people's desire works it can leave us feeling like we do all the leg work, our partner isn't into it, or a plethora of other negative feelings, when the likelihood is that your partner cares deeply about you, enjoys the fuck out of sex with you, but gets started a little differently. Some people are push buttons others are keyed ignitions.
This is what I think happened in your situation. Your reaction was enough to elicit a response with your partners type of desire. There is a book that goes into this and I can't remember it for the life of me right now.
I don't know if it's the book you read, but a very similar one (and one I highly recommend) is *Come as You Are*, by Emily Nagoski.
That's it! That book really helped both me and my partner understand each other.
I feel the same about my bf, if i say no or stop he immediately stops whatever was happening and cuddles me.
It's very sexy to feel respected and safe in his company, like not even "haha consent is sexy uwu" like genuinely nothing makes me more attracted to him than feeling so respected and cared for. It makes my heart and my pussy ache. I love him sm
I'm a guy. My ex gf would say no every now and then. Usually it was because she was on her period. It was never a problem for me to not have sex. But one time I had a particularly shitty day and wasn't feeling it and just wanted to watch TV and sleep. She was very upset and accused me of cheating on her. I think that was the beginning of our break up. Not the cause just the start of it. She would also regularly remind me how easy it would be for her to go fuck some other guy and she could do it like that and snap her fingers. I wasn't putting up with that shit.
I had trouble seeing other people's emotional boundaries. And didn't know how to respect them even when I *did* see them.
It was a relatively minor problem (too nosy, too pushy) but it annoyed the hell out of people.
Then I met someone who had healthy boundaries but was patient enough to have a few long discussions about what I was doing wrong and what healthy people do instead.
I tried fixing it myself, failed; went into counseling\*\*\*\*\*, now it's mostly fixed. But I still cringe at memories of just how annoying I could be in the past.
So in case anyone doesn't understand why it's a red flag, here's an analogy:
Failure to notice or respect boundaries is like bad breath. It's easy to tolerate in small amounts, but you do *not* want to spend a lot of time with its bearer.
And while a person with bad breath *can* fix it if it's just a question of brushing their teeth, bad breath might also be caused by a serious issue that can't be fixed without medical help.
Same thing with lack of boundaries.
If you really want the other person to fix that problem, keep something in mind: *you* can't fix their problem by yourself and *they* might not be able to fix it without professional help.
So either walk away (easy, works all the time) or explain what they're doing wrong and tell them to see a therapist (difficult, probably won't work unless they've noticed they need help).
**\*** I'm sorry, but I have something to confess since a lot more people were exposed to this post than I expected.
It was a small white lie (more like a simplification), the kind pundits use to make complicated stuff easy to understand.
But since so many people read this post so attentively, it's still important to point out ANY digressions from the truth.
I neglected the truth for the sake of a simpler, more compelling story.
And I apologize for that.
I hope pointing out the lie (and telling you the truth) will mend things a little.
Where I lied, specifically:
The part about "went into counseling" was only true from a certain point of view.
I didn't have money for a therapist at the time.
BUT I used the techniques I was taught 3-ish years ago as a basis and a lot of self-taught techniques that built upon them.
So I am still *quite* sure I wouldn't have been able to fix this problem if I didn't have a lot of prior experience with therapy.
In other words, don't try to fix emotional issues yourself if you can afford a professional.
Even if you learn every technique from books and videos, you'll still have a *very* rough time applying them.
It's kind of like learning a complicated workout regimen without a trainer. Technically possible, but in practice it's hell.
It's much MUCH easier with a professional.
For clarity what type of boundaries are you talking about?
Any type. Have you ever thought "I wish they'd stop it"? That's a person crossing one of your boundaries.
Sometimes it's just growing up with different social expectations.
Sometimes the person can't recognize that they are going too far and making someone uncomfortable.
And the worst times are when they know they are doing it and they keep doing it because uncomfortable people make bad choices if the choice seems like it will make the discomfort stop (date rapists are the best example, just letting them fuck you seems like the best way to end the terrible situation you think you are stuck in).
E: to clarify a bit (from the comments I'm seeing) people that cross your boundaries aren't automatically bad people. But they did cross them. Communication is important. A lot of communication can be non-verbal (and that's when most people can see they went too far). But if you are just smiling and nodding and seem engaged even though you hate it, nobody can be expected to know their actions aren't wanted. You have to show or tell your state of mind. And if you are afraid to do that, you might need to evaluate your boundaries or your company. Either you are too sensitive, or you hang out with scary assholes.
I am getting lots of info from this thread but "uncomfortable people make bad choices" is one I've never heard but always see. This is one thing I can apply to daily life. Thank you.
It's a major part of marketing. Loud noises, bright colors, negging, jealousy, fake authority voices, etc all try to make you more mentally pliable then they present their product as the solution.
Las Vegas, and casinos in general, look the way they do in order to disorient their customers "in a fun way" and that keeps them drinking and gambling.
Wow, honestly props to you for being able to take the time and humility to improve yourself. Being willing to hear someone out is difficult enough, but continuing to push yourself and seek out therapy is honestly incredible. Well done!
What do you think let you be open enough to hear that criticism and address it? It would be so easy to shrug off and dismiss or get defensive, and I think it’s where a lot of people get stuck, honestly.
For me it was A) an awareness that my ADHD affected my ability to socialize with non-ADHD people. My brain is different than their brain, so we both need to make a little effort to understand each other. Someone taking the time to do that for me made me feel like I return the favour and make an effort to stop annoying people. I also just...wanted to be liked? To not be ostracized and hated like I had been in elementary through high school? I wanted to crack this weird social code so I was willing to let my ego take the hits (not like it hadn't my whole life anyway).
I think I suffer much the same problem. Do you just find normal social conversation incredibly boring? The normal give and take of small talk makes me want to stab my eyes out with dull knives. I have a hard time keeping friends, because reaching out to people, and going through the normal social motions, is so exhausting and onerous.
Only talks about themselves
Hi! What’s your name?!\
Great! But that’s enough about you, Bruce - let’s talk about me!!!\
Enough about me, let’s talk about you… what do you think about me?
Can't take no as an answer.
Acting as if fucking the whole world is an achievement.
Avoid people who are very polite and charming when they *want* something from those 'above' them, but are arrogant and demanding when they think they can *take* something from those 'below' them.
People who 'smile up' and 'kick down' are the worst.
Yep. You can tell a lot about the character of anyone by the way they treat those they don’t have to treat well.
Along the lines of "character is who you are in the dark". How you are when you don't have anyone checking you.
When nobody's checking I'm in my pj's, watching YouTube cookery shows, and eating an entire cheesecake. When people are checking I'll share the cheesecake. Begrudgingly.
You and I must be the same person. Have you watched Tasting History with Max Miller? It's my favorite.
I was just going to recommend that channel. I love the hard tack episode.
~ *tack-tack* ~
You just described my boss to a T. The department manager thinks she's an angel because she "has nothing but nice things to say about us" but then she talks to us like dogs. She patronizes me and mocks me on the regular, but when I try to tell the manager he just asks me what my problem with her is "ShEs sO NiCe aNd cArIng."
SAME. It's so telling to me that everyone on my team hates our leadership, but the big bosses love them. They know how to be decent, they just choose not to.
Emotional manipulation, trying to guilt trap you
To give an example I was hearing from a friend who’s a woman currently dating:
Telling you that you’re being jealous, when they’re intentionally creating situations which would cause that. This guy in particular was continually describing past experiences with girls and how aspects of that were better than what my friend had with him currently.
That example also falls into trying to damage and hurt your self esteem and break down your self worth so you rely on them for validation. A very toxic trait.
Also always being negative in regards to wife/girlfriend and to good things that happen to her (might be a pessimistic person, but if it happens constantly, that can hurt emotionally and damage the partner's self esteem. Example:
Wife - "remember that job I was interviewed for? I got accepted!"
Abusive Husband: "they hired you just so they can pay you minimum wage [because of you not having prior experience in the job so your rate is cheaper]"
Edit: the example is an actual conversation.
This is just sad. Your partner needs to be your hype man/woman.
Agreed, in my idea of a healthy relationship, the partner should be his SO's hypeman/woman, and also give some outside opinion. The partner shouldn't be his SO's "roastme" comments page.
This! My wife and I have a rule. We never complain about each other in front of other people. We had a couple we were friends with that did this shit. Like constantly putting each other down in front of other people. Why even be in a relationship like that idk.
If he talks about his ex too much. As someone who was in love with an ex for way too long, I was not ready for a relationship with anyone else.
Some red flags are not signs the person is malicious, sometimes they are signs they are not ready for a new relationship.
That can be really painful too, because they may have lots of great qualities and none of the "obvious" red flags, like you know eventually they will be someone who will be a great partner. So you stay for longer than you should hoping they become ready for that new relationship while dating you. But truth is most people don't get to that point while in a new relationship, you usually have to get there on your own.
It's entirely possible to meet someone who should be a great match for you, but be a painful and bad relationship to actually date them because of the timing.
Yeah, but at that point you need to recognize it early, and just let them know "Hey, I think you are really great, but you clearly aren't over X, we can be friends and some day when you are over them maybe we can try again if we are both still single."
Sexual pressure after you directly reject an advance. Healthy people with your interests in mind only need to hear no one time and are respectful of boundaries if they bring it up again in the future.
This is very true.
This is one that legitimately baffles me.
How could you even *want* to have sex with someone that isn't into it with you? I mean, obviously, *they* have no issue with that or they wouldn't do it. But I wouldn't be able to enjoy a *movie* if I thought the person next to me wasn't having a good time.
How on *earth* is their skin not crawling at the thought that they're not on board with it? Over something infinitely more intimate. Blows my mind.
>How could you even want to have sex with someone that isn't into it with you? I wouldn't be able to enjoy a movie if I thought the person next to me wasn't having a good time.
That's because you actually care about other people and their feelings.
In [hbomberguy’s measured response to pick-up artistry](https://youtu.be/_pEfhgG3Ocw) he shows snippets of a number of “pickup artists” talking about sex, and they pretty much universally describe sex as “an exchange of power” - like they don’t even sound like they enjoy the act itself.
Since I would classify pick-up artists as the group of people who objectify women the most, their description of sex makes me think it’s about dominating someone rather than having a good time, and I’m inclined to think it’s probably the same for the people you’re referring to in your comment.
It’s because they’re objectifying the person so much so that their humanity, opinions, and other characteristics don’t matter.
It’s never about intimacy for these people, it’s more about getting something they crave and need. To them, these other people are more like food.
It’s kind of like a toddler being told they can’t have ice cream. After a while they start to whine and cry because they want it and you said no.
I’m not a psychologist but I’m assuming their brain doesn’t view sex in the way normal people view it. So the problem isn’t that they can’t respect boundaries, it’s something a bit more fundamental to their psyche.
Because they don't want sex with you, they just want sex. Just it's more socially acceptable to get it from their partner than another person. But as soon as another person expresses interest and is easy, they will take it.
People who put up with those who keep trying it on after saying no, these are the people who cheat.
Things a woman should establish before she really gets invested in a relationship with a man:
- How he handles it when she says no. Not just in a sexual context.
- How he handles it when she's better at something than he is. Find something you can beat him at.
- How he handles it when he's better at something than she is. Does he win with some amount of grace or does he gloat?
- Whether he's an actual adult. Does he own actual furniture like a bed? Does it have sheets? Do his towels bend? It's he capable of feeding himself given groceries and a kitchen? Is his bathroom in a fit state to be used by humans?
- Actual adult part two: if you ask him to pick up tampons, does he say "Sure, what kind?" or does he have a meltdown fit for a thirteen-year-old? Does he think your period products should be hidden from his view or does he realise they should be somewhere convenient for you?
Don't let anyone near your vagina who can't cope with the idea of things that touch it.
Also, don't have children with men who don't understand concepts like emotional labour or think it is even theoretically possible for a man to "babysit" children he fathered.
"Do his towels bend?" Is by far my *favorite sentence in this very informative post
“Do his towels bend?” - that’s gold
Lol. The tampons.
My wife asked me to get some for her once and I accidentally got the wrong ones, (I had no idea what I was doing).
I felt so bad, but she was very understanding.
Pro tip: take a picture of the empty box on your phone so you can compare the things on the wall of nearly identical products until you find an exact match.
Same for women tbh.
I work in a bar. Seen a lot of "first date" happening. I remember that one couple came at my bar for the first date. They played pool. The guy was showing her how to play. At first it may look cute, but he was constantly telling her how to play, where to aim on the white ball. When she miss, he was taking the white ball back, replace it until she hit the way he told her too. Every single time. My mind went"oh girl, hope you wake up because you will be in a lot of trouble."Well sadly they end up together. They came back at my bar couple of time and boy he treated her like crap. Guy was absolutely toxic.
If you go to a bar for your date. Sit at the bar. When the guy will go to the bathroom, feel free to ask us what we think. We see things that you might not. And feel free to ask for help if you feel uncomfortable or in bad situations. We will help you.
I just went through this. Pool and everything. Guy I was seeing was just unable to let me practice on my own, always needed to correct something about my grip or posture and finally I just quit going to play with him. It’s only fun if it’s fun, you know? And yes, the control thing did bleed into other aspects of the relationship, and yes, I didn’t really notice until we broke up and I looked back.
This is a really good example of how a little thing is an indication of a much bigger problem.
It's ok to reject someone on this basis - a lot of girls are too nice
This is one most women learn themselves around high school but still worth mentioning now. If he’s an asshole to everyone but you, that doesn’t mean he thinks you’re special. It means he is an asshole but knows how to not be an asshole in order to get laid.
Even if he treats you different [Edit: *better than everyone] now, he will treat you the same way he treats everyone else eventually. Lesson learned.
That’s not necessarily true. He could treat you even worse because now he’s tricked you.
I saw this on Twitter yesterday:
"A good man is good to everyone, a nice guy is only nice to their target"
*until you gently tell them you're not interested and suddenly face unbridled fury so unhinged that even League of Legends players feel humbled.
Hey fuck you you fucking ugly fat whore I didn't want to fuck you anyway you should've seen my interest as a favor no one loves you you bitch fuck you
/s just in case
I love when men call me a prude and a whore in the same tirade. It's something you should work in next time. Extra special. :)
Is this not how to handle rejection? /s
Writings on the wall, he doesnt care about you. He just wants to use you.
What if he's just a **bad boy (C) and you are the first one to melt his heart?**
Pro tip: Life is not a YA novel. Being with an asshole will not feel romantic after a short time.
And he is an asshole to everyone else, you run the risk of him alienating all of your friends and you end up isolated and relying on him more.
That's my dad to a T.
He's such an asshole to everyone but he always asks why his neighbors hate him, why he could never hold down a job for more than a few years, and why he has no friends.
According to him, it's always *them.*
And worth adding: popular musicians in their twenties singing about the nature of love and/or achieving it, is a poor source for advice.
> popular musicians in their twenties singing about the nature of love and/or achieving it
Honestly a lot of people in their 20's aren't a good source of advice, myself included when I was in my 20's.
I needed this tattooed on me when I was younger…
It's the nice guy/nice girl mentality. If you are nice only to get something in return, you arent nice, you're manipulative.
Refusing to admit that they could possibly be wrong. I have seen many men get super frustrated and aggressive over the idea that they could be possibly wrong about something.
To add onto this, many of these same men when presented with the proof of them being wrong they will either deflect or make it seem like it doesn't matter and that *you* were "making such a big deal about this".
We are all humans and we all make mistakes. I feel for many of these men they feel stupid and less "manly" if they are wrong about something. Being able to accept your mistakes and move on is a healthy trait.
If his first reaction to any type of minor conflict is anger. Here, when I mean conflicts I mean little things - disagreeing with a fact stated, where to have dinner, minor customer service issues.
If the first tool they reach for is anger for minor things, that is the tool they will always reach for first. People change, but this is a pretty fundamental personality aspect and unlikely outside of intervention.
I had the unfortunate experience of being in a 4 year relationship with someone that got angry over very small things, I now expect people to get angry over small things and get very anxious doing a lot of things honestly. Even with my roommate, I keep expecting him to get angry even though I literally know he wouldn't!! Really fucks with your mental health.
I grew up with parents like that and now, even six years into my relationship with my husband who is the calmest dude in the world, I still expect him to blow up when I make mistakes. It definitely fucks with your head!
Going on and on about themselves. Arrogance is such a turn off.
This is a good one. If a guy will not shut up about himself and never asks you anything, then you're never more than a side character in his front-stage show about himself. You're not his equal.
Inability to say sorry when they do something wrong.
If he’s cheating on someone else with you, he will absolutely cheat on you with someone else.
When a man leaves his wife and marries his mistress it creates a job opening
This is something I cannot get my head around. We tried warning more than one friend about this but it all ends in tears.
* How does he speak about others? Especially past loves? ESPECIALLY ones that went wrong: if he dated 23 "crazy bitches", you're gonna be number 24.
* What's his lifestyle? If it's bars and clubs every single week, sometimes multiple times a week - don't expect stability.
* How does he manage communication when frustrated? Is he lashing out at you with blame and anger? That's gonna come out often and accelerate as time goes on.
And this one is for everyone:
* The beginning of ANY relationship is the easiest it will ever be. If it's a rocky start is more than likely gonna be a rocky ride.
All of their ex partners are "crazy"
I have a former friend like this. While his exes tended to be crazy he was even crazier. I think crazy attracts crazy.
And they all live in Texas
That’s when you gotta hang your hat in Tennessee
Inability to clean up after themselves or do common household tasks
This. I've tried telling my brothers GF that he's basically completely incapable of taking care of himself but she keeps believing his "well I work nights and I don't want to wake anyone up" bs.
Well you warned her if she stays with him she can’t ever say nobody warned her when she’s raising the man child.
Watch out for the individual who is always looking for what YOU can do for THEM but are rarely inspired to go out of their way to do something for others. People like this (in my experience) seldom consider the fact that other people have feelings, wants, and desires of their own.
We *joked* that we were alcoholics. Except he wasn't joking.
Two years sober as of today. Still together, but holy hell what a ride.
A man that blames everyone else for his problems, lack of job, lack of friends, money, etc.
Somene that is unwilling to take personal responsibility for improving his situation in life.
Being mean to animals.
If they're not an animal person, that's fine. But there's a difference between not liking them and being mean to them.
Don't try to save or change them. If they are assholes, abusive, and or addicts. Walk away. It may suck, but walk away. Your mental, emotional, and physical health will greatly thank you.
Tell you what to do. How you should think. Who you should see. What you should eat or wear.
If he wants to be with you, then he will be with you.
Trust his actions. Not his words. Amazes me how many women let themselves get dragged along like this. Not realizing they are one of many he is leading on. You might think you're special, but if a guy isnt committing to you, its because he doesnt want to and is likely pursuing other options.
Been there. Took me 6 years of both therapy and 6 years of a toxic relationship to get this. He was so, so insistant when he said, "I DO love you. I know sometimes it doesn't feel lilke that, but that's not what the TRUTH is." When in reality, the truth is based on his ACTIONS, not the way he feels.
If you removed your partner's words entirely and ONLY studied the things that they DID, then you can tell if that's true or not. And the reality that I've discovered is that I'm never taken on dates, I'm often gaslit, my boundaries are bowled over, and promises are almost always broken. I'm currently working through that revalation and next-steps. It's been a hard year.
Never talks to you about yourself, never takes an interest in your hobbies what you’ve been up to etc. Actually scarily common in guys, it’s probably the most common symptom of being self centered af. And yea, someone can be like this and still be “nice” to you, but they don’t necessarily value you.
That how he treats people in service industry. I couldn't exactly explain due to English being not my native language but let's say he treats waiters like an asshole orders him/her around like they are beneath him, this is a clear red flag.
You could not really find better example of his lack of character.
Agreed, and your English is totally fine
Does he talk about always being ready to fight if necessary? Then he's a lunatic. Well adjusted people in things like MMA don't want to fight randomly and don't seek it out outside of the sport of it. Half the point is to have a place for your aggression in a controlled setting.
I love martial arts, I am a black belt but I do not wanna fight anyone because I end up injured, dead or in jail. There is no situation where I win
Seriously though... I spent 33 years studying martial arts because I wanted to reduce the chances of getting my ass kicked. I can't rightly fathom how looking for problems is going to help me achieve that goal.
Well rule 1 is always "Suck it up and avoid a physical altercation at all costs"
I avoided a fight one time by pointing out that we are both big guys with no fight training so there is only one outcome, One of us goes to the hospital and one of us goes to jail. We decided to go back inside for a drink.
Weirdest outcome to a fight ever!
Was a young and drunk marine and got into a fight outside of a bar for some incredibly stupid reason. Guys gf comes up to me and sprays mace. It’s incredibly windy and the mace ends up hitting both me and the dude. We both go down holding our eyes yelling “god fucking damnit what the fuck”. Ended up going to the bathroom rinsing our eyes and and got a drink with him and his gf. Cool guy, his gf probably saved one of us jail time or a hospital trip.
“I’m just gonna mace this entire situation.”
It takes a real badass to have a drink with the guy who was ready to crush your skull
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Sometimes swallowing your pride and complimenting someone to de-escalate can avoid a tragedy.
Narcissism can look like confidence, be aware. And general aggressiveness is a major red flag.
Having your exact same opinion on every topic. It can happen that he thinks exactly like you, but it's highly improbable. Most likely he's either trying to deceive you or lacks a personality, and both things are bad. Couples should be able to disagree.
If he says he loves you a very short time after you met and without actually knowing you. These guys are very unstable and will drop you out of nowhere just as fast .
Guys who made a big deal about stupid things.
Had a friend who had to go home early from our house where she was having fun, because the meatballs she'd made weren't the right size, they were too big.
Her husband was coming home and he wanted that meat ball issue addressed promptly.
TF. cut your meatballs you dipshit.
Anyone who makes it hard for you to have friends should make you run and never turn back.
Instead of just being nice, having to refer to self as nice and better than other guys. That just proves you're hateful inside and think less of those around you.
Saying “I’m the nicest guy you’ll ever meet” is like saying “I have a huge cock”.
The more you say it, the less likely it is to be true.
Manipulators.. men that use emotions (anger, sadness, etc) to get you to do things you don’t want to do.. the worse ones are subtle ones, they chip away at you over time..
Gets a angry when confronted for something they did or didn't do. Can't admit faults.
Love bombing and things moving too fast
In my experience controlling behaviour comes next
Needing to tell someone “no” more than once about anything always sets alarm bells off in my head. Your boundaries are valid and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
If he "tests" your defined comforts or boundaries even *once*. End it then and there, continuing isn't worth it.
Just read a story in a subreddit where a girl is on the spectrum (I am too, hence me being there) and she explains to her boyfriend that sudden, loud noises really scare her. He then proceeds to clap as loud as he can directly in front of her face. He said he needed to "really see if she was serious" about what she said.
Someone who does that kind of shit is just trying to see if your "no's" really mean no. And if they have to check that, then they're seeing what they can get away with in the future. A decent person would just go, "Oh, okay!" and maybe even do their best to proactively avoid what will hurt or bother you. I've dated lots of guys where this red flag alone would have saved me long, painful relationships. And talking to them about this issue won't solve it because they know what they're doing. Even if you got them to stop "testing" your boundaries, all of the other negative things that come with that kind of personality won't go away...
When he is just a collection of squirrels in a trenchcoat.
At least this way you’ll definitely get a nut
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SURE HE CAN FUNCTION LIKE AN ADULT. You know, cook a few dishes, do laundry, clean up after himself, go to work on time...
I cannot \*stand\* when women complain about how the manchildren they start dating still being manchildren years later. Big shocker.
If he starts trying to get you alone in seemingly innocent ways and keeps pushing the issue when you say no.
Kind of hard to explain but I’ll give you some an example that my wife experienced the other day with an old ex boyfriend of hers. (Nothing serious, just some high school shit.) For context he was in a rocky engagement and she and I are married. All of this was out in the open. She was telling me everything he said. (We both do that for sake of transparency when talking to people of the opposite sex. It isn’t a weird control issue.)
Him: “Yeah my fiancée and I got in a fight and she took the car. Idk how I’m gonna get to our show tonight.” (He was in a band and we were going to see his show that night.)
My wife: “I’m sorry to hear that, can any of your band mates take you?”
Him: “No they all said I love too far out? Can you pick me up?” (He lived 40 minutes away from us.”
My wife: “That’s a little far for us and our car only seats two. So we couldn’t pick you up and drive you anyways. Are you sure none of them can do you a solid?”
Him: “No they won’t help. You could just come get me, then meet up with your husband at the show.”
At this point my wife looked at me and told me what was going on. Based on some other conversations they had had recently it was very clear he was trying to get her alone rather than just desperately get a ride. She declined and said we hoped he found a ride to the show.
We get to the show and he pops out of one of his band mate’s cars. Not even late. He then kept giving her weird looks all night and kept staring me up and down like he was sizing me up. His vibe was definitely off. It came to light a few days later that he had a history of cheating on his fiancée with girls he met online. It would always start with normal conversations like the ones he had with my wife and escalate when they were alone together.
No idea what he would have tried to pull if she went and picked him up. But I’m glad she consulted me. She thought I was crazy when I told her that he was a problem waiting to happen. She asked after it all came to light me how I knew. I told herIunfortunately hung around a lot of sleazy guys when I was younger. I know all the moves.
So, maybe my perspective is a little warped, but I did ten years in prison, so I believe I have a certain insight into the male mind (especially those of the deviant variety). These are principles that I carry into the real world and have served me quite well.
**Rule 1:** *Look to their relationships to their friends and family.*
How IS their relationship with their family? How long have the friends they have been in their lives? If a person has a new circle of friends every year or two, its usually because they've drilled that well dry, and the other people have labeled them toxic. Same with family. Estranged from everyone? Big flag. Suppose there COULD be reasons for your whole family being toxic and you having to leave them, but it's more likely the common denominator wasn't them.
**Rule 2:** *Do they always find a way to make the conversation about them?*
This is a pretty big warning sign for me, because it speaks to something more nefarious under the surface. Narcissists and sociopaths hate real interaction. They just want to use what you say as a sounding board to launch their next point, redirecting the conversation to themselves. They probably treat the rest of their lives as they do their "conversations" with others.
**Rule 3:** *Do they have healthy interests.*
People who have healthy interests are usually well adjusted. They're willing to learn, they are passionate, and they tend to find satisfaction internally rather than from others. A dude who doesn't have any hobbies will make you his only hobby and it will irritate you to death; and if I'm being honest, it most likely won't be a healthy relationship either.
Being too nice and immediately putting you on a pedestal. You want to be two boats meeting at sea that decide to tie a rope together. The rope allows you to come together and drift apart. Immediate red flag when someone wants to ditch their boat for yours.
If he claims all his exes were “crazy” or similar. Think for a second about what was the common factor in all those relationships: him.
If you smell shit everywhere you go, check your own shoes
Having a history of scamming others
When he believes ALL of his opinions are FACTS and will fight you on every one. From comic books to politics, if there is no flexibility to appreciate other points of view (especially ones that are completely subjective) then you’ll always be walking on eggshells and that’s no way to live.
Minimal effort. If we wanted to do something we would find a way to do it.
Calls himself an alpha, calls other men a beta, calls women "females" and is generally intimidated by women.
If their mom still does their laundry even though they're 36 years old.
I moved back to my home state and this is a phenomenon I have noticed all over this area. The grown ass men who can't do their own damn laundry. Not like... oh, yeah, someone else happens to do my laundry and I do other chores to make that shit equal. But straight up, does not know how, to the point that when single they have to drive over to their mommies house and hang out like it's a god damn full service laundromat and even have sammiches while they wait.
\[edit - for clarity\]
It's less to do with if you do your own laundry, and more to do with if you're a mama's boy who has his mommy do everything for them regardless of their own skillsets.
I'm basically criticizing the unhealthy relationships I've seen men in my region have with their mothers. For example my half brother, who grew up in a completely different home from me, had his mom do his laundry until his late 30s at which point his girlfriend took over the job. He also is very demanding of his mother, I once had dinner at his mom's for his birthday/easter (they're around the same time) and I noticed a pile of wrapped gifts on the table. I had assumed they were for nieces/nephews... but nope, they were ALL for my brother. A grown ass 40 year old man at that point. And then when he opened them he criticized his mother for getting him the wrong things. She also did a good deal of his homework while he was in college because he wouldn't do it (he did the same major she did, after dropping out of college repeatedly for other majors).
And this behavior is not unique to him. It's a trend I've noticed around this area (I grew up on the other side of the country and only recently moved back to here). All these grown ass little boys who have this expectation that the woman figure in their life is supposed to dote all over them and they can make absurd demands of them.
And this behavior bleeds over into their love lives. Their girlfriends/wives aren't equals... they're the replacement for their mommy.
I just sarcastically summed it up as "mommy still does their laundry", because it's reddit, and I'm not exactly being serious here.
To those people defending their mother doing their laundry... honestly I don't care if she does or not. But you may want to consider... is it just 1 lil small thing that she happens to do for you... or is their a trend in your life? Are you a momma's boy?
Cause as with any red flag... it doesn't necessarily mean you're outright the bad/negative. It's just a flag, a hint that there might be something wrong. For all we know one has a legit reason.
For example... someone might consider "living with your mom in your 30s" is a red flag. Well I lived with my mom for about 2 years when I was about 30. At face value this might be a red flag that I'm a lazy bum who mooches off his mommy... but in actuality it was my mother was in a financial bind, I had learned she was living on peanut butter and ramen and was going to lose her rental unit which had no heat. So I moved her across the country to my house, let her live rent free, get a job, and save up to get herself back on her feet.
Red flags are only possibilities, not guarantees.
I'd go just for the sammies
Ive done this just to hang with my parents rather than go to a Laundromat. Anyone that says they cant do it or dont know how is way too stupid to date though. Im confused at these people who cant do it. Its not like sewing or something that requires some skill.
Unbalanced and rigid Immaturity that will never change.