The reasons for the “sexlessness” and the depth of the relationship are key factors. My wife got breast cancer at 40 and while she lived another 8 years, the chemotherapy nullified her libido and made intercourse impossible. And yet I dearly wish we could have grown old together whether or not this would have changed.
But that’s completely different from cohabiting a loveless marriage or even facing such a situation in one’s youth only a few years after marriage. That would be hard.
I'm so sorry for your loss. May her memory be a blessing
I'm over 80
There’s a lot of people that are going to be real shocked once they hit their 70s
As someone who no one in their immediate family has lived to 70, can I hope for a sweet sweet sexy life?
Let’s just say my Nan and her boyfriend woke me up because they were too loud one night….
“Break my fucking hip!!”
Put me in the hospital, Lazaretto.
Edit: O-shit, I was just looking for a funny name for the husband, turns out lazaretto is a hospital. Fucking weird.
PUT ME IN LAZARETTO, LAZARETTO
lazzaretto is the Italian name for the hospital where people with plague were put
Theres a huge resurgence of syphilis and other venereal diseases in old folks homes. You'll be fine
I'm there and amazed by how good it is.
I'm assuming the men know what they're doing and the ladies can't get knocked up. Also, these are the folks that peaked in the 1970s... The perviest decade.
As someone who has seen a good bit of porn made in the 70's, I have to agree, in terms of what the US has made. It honestly hasn't outdone Japan by a long shot.
But If you look at 50 different porn films from the 70's, 50 of them will have some sort of incest them and the main theme wont even be incest. People think the incest trend in porn is from the last few years, but it's not. It's always been popular.
Sidenote, I think public hair is great and I'm tired of pretending it's not. it's like decoration.
Fun fact: the elderly can be pretty high risk for STIs as their spouses die and they're suddenly single again with near-zero chance of unwanted pregnancy.
Don't matter how old you are, what better way to leave this mortal coil than with an empty sack and a smile on your face.😎
Idc about sex i just want someone to hug when im back after a long day
I used to think sex was important to me, but one day my partner wrote me a letter being extremely vulnerable and open about how much they loved me/were grateful to have me in their life and it was the actual best feeling I've ever experienced.
I'm in one now. My husband had a stroke...no sex is not the big problem for either one of us.
I had rectal cancer and because of the surgery I can no longer get an erection, it's very lonely
Not sure if one exists, but a site to just make friends to be cuddle buddies, or whatever, should exist for people like you & me. I lost my sex drive & would like a relationship for that occasionally. In my case, it's not wanting to see someone very often, as well as the lack of sex drive, that I think would make it difficult. I also don't like people over to my home as it's too small for a couch & we'd be hanging out on my bed, which is weird to me.
A friend of mine does “sex work” and the majority of her jobs are as a professional cuddler and not sexual at all. She’s even told me about close friends she’s made through the job. Sometimes folks just need another comforting person to physically keep them company.
It isn't surprising to me. If you work as a massage therapist (not a sex worker but still very intimate) for long enough you will have clients crying on the table at some point. Not because of pain but because they are so touch starved. It is fairly common with elderly people who have been widowed for a few years.
Cried at my first massage. It was the first time someone has touched me like that in 5 years.
Thanks for such an honest response. I'd never considered that.
I'm divorced and not dating but I have youngish children who still sort of constantly cling to me. I don't miss human touch because of that, I guess. I'll remember your comment as time goes on, though. I now see how that could happen quite easily.
I'm an esthetician and this is so true! No one realizes how rewarding these jobs can be at times.
Professional cuddlers do exist but probably still pretty scarce. I've looked into it a bit myself and even more after dating someone who is disabled, she says that if she wasn't dating me she would definitely be interested in a service like that. The only thing is I live in a small area so clientele would be hard to find compared to a bigger city.
Sorry for being ignorant, there's no way to help this at all? I'm sorry I can imagine it's very isolating
They have “pump up” options where essentially they turn it into an inflatable balloon, but I’m sure it’s pricey and I can’t imagine it fulfills the same sensation
This comment brings a lot of perspective. My gut reaction to this question was no. Sex was and still is pretty significant in my relationship with my wife. We’re in our 30’s and have been together over a decade.
But if something happened to her and it was no longer an option? I would never leave her and love her too damned much to imagine it, no matter how much we love sex.
How old is your second kid?
Because we ran into this during the early years of our kids, but as they get older we have more time for each other and it’s gotten a lot better.
Our kids and especially after the second ruined my wife’s sex drive. She was touched out by having children on her all the time. I totally get feeling lonely or not sure if she loved me. She wasn’t very touchy to begin with, but I was. It’s frustrating.
Recently she found a sex therapist on Instagram that she started following and listening to. I really learned recently how she really felt trapped and annoyed by her lack of sex drive. There wasn’t anything she could do about it. She was fairly repressed before our kids but we still enjoyed sex, but after finding this sex therapist and doing some of the challenges and programs we have been able to talk more openly and get back to before. Even better than we ever had before honestly. My wife admitted she knew the kids killed her sex drive but now she was ready to do something about it. It took time, but probably also someone else facilitating us talking about our needs.
Same here. I'm 34 and been with my husband almost 18 years. No way would I leave. Also sex doesn't have to be sex. You can do other things that isn't regular sex or cuddle if that is possible. I already know if he passes I will live as a single spinster with a bunch of cats. I found the love of my live and have no desire to be with anyone else.
>We're in our 30's and have been for over a decade
How do you unlock this power?
lol I wish I had that power, but it seems your quote missed a word.
>We're in our 30's and have been together over a decade
Gave me a good laugh though.
I had a stroke at age 27. It affected my left side and my speech. I'm four years post and doing so much better. Hang in there. Sorry you both have to experience this
Sorry you went through that. I am a firefighter/paramedic and I really honestly can't say how much I empathize with stroke patients. Gotta be soo scary and it can happen to anyone. Had a 16 year old have a massive stroke in high school. She had massive dysphasia, couldn't get her brain to form the words she wanted. She just had a look of terror with tears streaking down her face. I did my best to comfort her but it's got to be beyond scary Thankfully she made a full recovery. I hope you have a full recovery as well.
I still have some aphasia and slight weakness on my left side. But I live a normal life and can care for myself. Thank you for what you do. I had firefighters called once due to choking and they helped calm me down.
I also had a stroke at 27. Luckily it didn’t affect me physically, but my memory and vision aren’t what they once were.
Hope everything works out
I’m dating a man who got diagnosed with prostate cancer a year or so into our relationship. Prostate had to come out and it’s a hit or miss whether or not sexual function comes back. In his case, it was a miss.
He wanted me to move on because he got very depressed over it. He’s so pleasant and a real decent human being so I stayed with him. Who would abandon someone due to a health crisis? Unfortunately he got bladder cancer next so this is another hurdle to go over.
You play the cards you are dealt. We are together in this.
EDIT: I’ll be one who edits to say I’m blown away from the comments and support from my sweet little Reddit community! 💕 Each one of you have made my day so much better! 🌺
I just lost my wife to breast cancer. We are in our 30s. The last couple of years our sex life was hit hard but I wouldn’t trade it for anything, getting to be with her until the end was everything to me.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my wife 3.5 years ago to breast cancer at 47 yrs old. Her original diagnosis was at 40 yrs old....our sex life suffered terribly and then pretty much just stopped. She was never the same after her mastectomy. She was my world I would go another 1000 years without sex just to be able to talk to her for one more day.
Edit: Thank you to everyone for your kind words❤️ this got a lot more attention then I thought it would.
I lost her 2 weeks ago and I understand this whole heartedly. I’m still in the middle of it; I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night every night and go find a video on my phone of her laughing to lull me back to sleep again
Wow, making me cry over here.
Although in finding some balance, I’m in the middle of the darkest days
That's heartbreaking. I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.
Make sure you save those videos and photos in 100 different places so you dont ever lose them. Id lost videos of my grandmother who died of ovarian cancer because they were on an old ipod touch
All I want is for someone to love me this much. Bless you, bless your wife.
That hits right in the feels.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
I feel my original answer was very short sighted. Thanks for the perspective
You're an absolute champion. I'm a cancer survivor and your unconditional love and support likely just meant so incredibly much to her. Love and best wishes to you!
We actually got engaged before diagnosis and last year, fully bald and two weeks after completing her first round of brain radiation we held the ceremony we had planned in the woods surrounded by our family. Best day of my life.
Sorry for your loss. You did the right thing and I’m sure she was very grateful to have such an amazing partner by her side until the end.
Shoot my son-in-laws mom got cancer and his dad left her and married someone else. They have four children. The mom recovered but never really got over it. You’re a real one. Best wishes to you and your partner.
Edit to add : thanks for all the data friends. I see the trend! I’ll tell you what I see as a relative outsider - my daughters husband is sweet but struggles with issues mainly around his dad. He is very connected to his mom. It sent a chain of spiral in all directions. No one was unaffected by the dad leaving. Most of it was negative. The daughters struggled hard their teen years. From what I can see, the father is not respected in the family. Not for “just” this incident. He has a long history of questionable decisions. The dad seems sort of a hot mess and my daughters husband yelled at him once at a annual family Easter egg hunt on their property because he was getting a little too fresh with me (flirting wise) . So that’s my experience , thanks again for the statistics. Lesson here? I hope you don’t have cancer and a douchebag partner. Bad Mix. Many blessings friends.
My friend's dad left his mom when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It seemed super fucked up to everyone, including my friend, because he wouldn't give a reason.
We later found out that she confessed on her death bed that she didn't love him and had been sleeping with his best friend for years. There's more to it, but I don't know all the details.
Soap opera ending!
All My Circuits
What is this, a Shakespearean play?!
It's common. There's stats on it as it's been a studied phenomenon. Still horrible.
Women are 6x more likely to be divorced after being sick than men.
Women stay with sick men, men leave sick women
This happened to me. My ex-husband and I are both nurses and the stress of the pandemic lead to me being diagnosed with Crohn's disease. He left before I finished the diagnostic process. He didn't want to be a care giver to me and my kids even though he played himself up as the selfless stepdad for two years. He actually ghosted us and got a vasectomy before our divorce was finalized. Ultimately I know I'm way better off but it really sucked going through it.
I (30ish, f) once took care an ex (30ish, m) through gruesome post-op ass surgery (totally gnarly puss filled abscesses: changing the dressing and draining the goop) but not three months later he left me because I nap too much, due to a congenital neurological disorder.
What a douche
Wife fixed me up when a very similar thing happened to my b-hole on vacation. She did it in a stall at the Ft, Lauderdale airport bathroom with nothing more than napkins, one alcohol wipe and scotch tape. I've since had corrective surgery and have been tip top for about 7 years but for what that woman did that day to take care of me...she's got me FOR LIFE.
You're a decent and kind human being. I hope you know that, and that things get better for you both.
You know there are options to restore sexual function, I am a young adult has cancer in their uretha and now penile tissues, I have under gone extensive surgery both 5 years ago when I initially had cancer to my recent recurrence so I am pretty well informed of my options as my penile functionality will be seriously altered for me again after this round of treatment.
There are options from the obvious to the more radical, the obvious are pills like cialis and viagra, then you move to drugs and compounds you can inject directly in to you penis like Alprostadil or Tri-Mix (alprostadil, phenotolamine, and papaverine) there are other compounds too, then there are implants these come in multiple options from bendable rods that let you adjust the penis to prosthesis that are hollow tubes that are inserted in to the penis that fill with saline fluid from a reservoir when you active a small button in your scrotum. Almost anybody with a penis can have erectile function restored and whilst I empathise with the depression as it’s a loss of what was, there are opinions to recover some of that ground.
I came here to say exactly this. I’m a urologist that does these kinds of procedures regularly. If he is interested your partner should see if any of his Urologists partners perform IPPs.
Well now we have a urologist in the chat, you can correct me where I misspoke, I am only a patient so I am sure there are things I missed
Actually your description of the options is excellent!
It’s also as much detail as I would go into in a post on the internet. If folks would like to know more I’d definitely recommend setting up an appointment with a urologist to hear the details. Depending on an individuals medical history and the cause of their erectile dysfunction some options may not be feasible.
I wish you both good luck. There are a lot of people who would have taken the out and continued on, so I think it says a lot about you as a person to take on the struggles.
I hope things start to turn around.
Thank you kind Redditors! Stay positive always! 💕
I think that would be so depressing. You too are a real decent human. I am actually tearing up.
I have a near sexless marriage. The love is strong, but the desire is one-sided. That hurts.
In the same position, I try to talk about it and she just says she will try to meet me half way and then does nothing. I’m coming to the realization that I need to move on unless I’m willing to be unhappy for the rest of my life.
Also their SO's might take medications with this side effect which they don't even know about
Some of the antidepressants I’ve taken have this effect. I’ve always been open about medication and side effects. My ex would get so agitated if there was an “off” week. Sometimes I was having sex just to meet some quota he set in his head. The hostility kind of took any fun out of it.
Suggested that we talk to someone and he refused. 🤷♀️
Move on. You will be unhappy and resentful, and no good will come of it.
I wish I hadn’t married someone who wasn’t into sex with me. It wrecked my self confidence, which has hurt other areas of my life. Don’t do it.
Don't do it. My wife and I are sexually incompatible and it's a struggle. I love that woman deeply. She is a wonderful human and I know she loves me too but man is being with someone that doesn't want you depressing.
Are you (both) open to talking about it? Because she also needs to think about the incompatibility. If she doesn't think about it, it could be she doesn't really care if your needs are met.
It’s only a problem for me. It doesn’t bother her that she’s not getting any of something that she doesn’t want.
But that makes it a problem for her, she just might not realise it.
Talk about it, it helps.
As the less sexually driven partner in a now 5 year relationship, she won't really realize how much it bothers you. At least that was the case for me. It sounds harsh but only because my partner threatened to end the relationship I realized what a big deal that was for him, because it wasn't for me. We talked a lot about it and it got better for both of us :)
>she won't really realize how much it bothers you.
Reminds me of an ex (disclaimer: she was not so great; this is not meant to reflect on you) who turned me down 2 out of 3 times I tried to initiate sex. Didn't think anything of it until the time I turned her down. She spent the rest of the day fuming.
> sexual incompatibility for a lifetime worries me to no end
I think the answer here is both obvious and difficult. Sounds like you have a good thing going, maybe you're uncertain someone just as good can ever be found, and besides she's a good person. But I think you already know that intense regret is in your future. You get married, maybe have a kid, you have shared assets like a house. And you're stuck in a life you hate.
Getting trapped in a life you hate because it's the comfortable conflict-free thing to do is torture and way too common. Don't do it to yourself.
Hate to break it to you, and OP here, but this is a recipe for disaster. Sex isn't a big part of the success of a relationship.... if it's adequate for both parties. Doesn't need to be great, daily, best sex ever, but both sides need to be at least reasonably satisfied.
When the sex is bad, or non-existent, it's a massive, humongous, ever growing problem that NEVER gets resolved.
Counselors say sex is like air for non-asexual people. When you have enough, more doesn't really matter. But if you don't have any, you are going to notice in a hurry.
Same here. It hurts not to feel wanted. But I know there is a lot of love. Still sucks though.
Same. It very much hurts. Especially when your partner tells you they think you’re beautiful but there is no physical follow up.
The phrase I’ve mentally used to describe my feeling is “Being alone together is the worst kind of alone”. Being actively neglected by your partner is worse than being by yourself.
A sexless relationship is better than a loveless relationship, as long as I'm loved and we share physical affection like cuddling and kisses and I'm allowed to beat my meat when I need too I wouldn't care.
Just a heads up to all the people who take this personally enough to comment how wrong I am, there's no such thing as a wrong option, my opinion is in regards to myself and myself alone I'm not answering for anyone else.
Different opinions aren't wrong...op asked a question to be answered from your own point of view..so there's no reason to call anyone else wrong.. it's about you, answer for YOU I've answered for me.
I was gang-raped as a student. When I first met my now-husband I was in complete denial and we were having a lot of sex. Eventually I had a complete breakdown and our sex life was practically non existent while I went through therapy etc. I can probably count on my fingers and toes how often we had sex in the three years after we married. I felt awful about it, I even went as far as to say he could have sex with other people while I dealt with my issues. As far as I know he didn't do this and now we're getting back on track, the sex is the best it's ever been and it's a lot more frequent.
I'm sorry that happened to you and really glad the therapy helped. Good work!
Thank you! I still have my bad days but overall in a much healthier and happier place.
You're not alone. A good partner and a good therapist can completely change life.
Truest thing ever. I was sexually assaulted shortly after I turned 18, in my own bed, by a friend of my older brother. I don't know if it would have turned into rape and let's just say I'm glad I woke up before it could get to that point. I immediately went to my boyfriend's place and I spent a week there with him and his family before couch hopping and being away from my own home for about a month. It was hard to tolerate being touched by anyone for a long time, but he was so patient and supportive and he always has been. 8 years later and we're married and he's still the most supportive and loving person I've ever known. I lucked out. Idk what I would have done if I hadn't had him to turn to back then.
Would you mind touching on how you have built towards that? I have some challenging events in my past that for many years I dressed up by being over sexual and pushing myself to do sexual things when I didn’t want to. It was only when I met my partner that I relaxed into being myself and not feeling like I needed to push myself to be what my partner wanted me to be. It’s been really healing to be able to do that and not feel like there was any pressure to be anything except myself, but now I’m not sure how to move towards making that a part of our lives. Any advice would be great
The main thing has been lots and lots of therapy. I also lucked out with my husband, sometimes just knowing that I can say stop whenever I want even if we're in the middle of things and be listened to and respected means I don't feel like I have to stop because I feel so safe, if that makes sense?
That control/trust is really good to have. Totally unrelated, but same feeling for me is having a car. I have really bad anxiety and before, relying on public transit, I'd feel stuck when I went out. I was either waiting on a bus or carpooling. Having a car now is like 'if it's bad, I can just leave. I have that power + choice' and it makes doing things so much easier.
I'm so glad you've found someone to build that with and are in a happier place. =)
Similar situation - abused as a teen and raped in my early 20s. Had a lot of sex when I was younger for fucked up reasons. I'm seeing a psychologist.
Now I'm married to someone I love deeply and we haven't had sex in probably 2 years. My husband sees a sex worker once a month. We had a good, long conversation about it and I can ask him to stop anytime. We also check in before and after to make sure I'm still ok with it. And I had a good conversation with my therapist before anything started.
I realised that the worst thing that would happen is I would be upset and then he would stop seeing her. It absolutely wouldn't be a relationship ender because I trust him and we have a great relationship in all other areas.
It has it made our relationship even better because I've been able to alleviate my feelings of guilt.
I am happily married to my good lady for decades and decades. There are times when it has been sexless for whatever reason but never has it been loveless.I wouldn’t have lasted 2 days in a loveless relationship
Excellent answer, and pretty much the way I feel/we are.
Same. We joke about how we masturbate in the shower. Love is bigger than anything. Tired, overworked, kids and all of this, but we cuddle a lot, maybe this is why :)
This is my partner and I. It’s an unconventional set up but he jokes about my “sword” and I joke about his porn choices. It works and we do have an active sex life, just sometimes a quick release is better. And we love each other to the moon and back
My wife and I are going through something similar. We haven't had sex for a year. There are reasons, we had a baby and it's been a rough year. This was child 3 and with the other two it wasn't like this but... here we are. Not gonna lie it kinda sucks, and can be a bit of a mind fuck at times. But it's not a loveless marriage. Not even close. I would rather be in a sexless relationship than a toxic relationship with great sex 10/10 times.
You've been having a rough time!! I hope things get easier soon. x
It comes back, man. Hormones are a hell of a trip and every pregnancy is different. My wife was up for anything a couple months after kid 1, we didn't really do much for about a year and a half after kid 2, she had body image issues and hormonal things and a bunch of stuff.
The last few months we've got out of the ol slump, though. Marathons, not sprints.
Same. There are a variety of health reasons sex is difficult for me (antidepressants and heart meds), but my first wife, I spent the last 8 years with only a handful of actual PIV sex because she was so sick with her terminal illness towards the end, and on oxygen. An orgasm might have killed her. She eventually passed, i was alone for a while, and eventually I remarried, so during those times until I was dating again, still no sex.
Its survivable. Love is something I need, though. Without love and care, I wither.
This is the correct answer. My wife was sick for the last 2.5 years of her life always in and out of the hospital. Needless to say we couldn't have sex for close to 3 years before she passed away. I could care less if it was 13 or 23 years. I'd give up sex for the rest of my life to bring her back
You are a good man.
We are to some degree due to medical conditions from my rare disease. It sucks and I’ve got an appointment to try shots. But if nothing works we’re still madly in love. 35 years and we’ll stay together for as long as both are alive. We take our vows seriously but even without them we’re more in love today than ever. Just yesterday I was watching her through the window watering the flower bed and thinking I married the most beautiful woman in the world. And please no advice on ED. I’m working with a urologist. I know my options and what both of us are comfortable with. I’m just saying no matter what lies ahead for us our love will never die.
I'm in one. Not happy about it but love is still there so that's nice.
Same. Maybe had it once in the last 12 years. Finally decided to go to couples/sex therapy this year. Not sure it is helping, but at least I finally brought up that I wanted to try something. My wife is my best friend and I love here with every fiber, just wish there was more intimacy there,
We haven't had sex in five months due to numerous reasons. Never have alone time with my mom and daughter here. We're both too tired. Our bed we have sex on is where my mom is sleeping. Our waterbed is difficult to use. We always say next weekend and it never happens. We're still going strong though. We love each other and that's what matters.
If it's in your budget just tell your mom you're taking a little staycation for whatever reason you'd like and get a room somewhere while she watches the kid at home. It might even make things more fun than having the same opportunity at home.
Husband won't do it. I tried so it's his loss! Lol
People still have waterbeds?
Unfortunately yes lol. I hate it. He loves it. We compromised and kept it.
if you don't find it as bouncy as before you can add spring water
At first I thought, "what the hell is that going to do?"...then I got it.
... look here you little shit
I'm just so confused how the waterbed prevents the sex. You don't have to have sex on the bed. Is the floor lava?
> You don't have to have sex on the bed. Is the floor lava?
40 year old me just sprained a muscle thinking about this.
I'm 32 and it sounds painful
The floor doesn't work for us due to some issues I have that causes it to be difficult. We have a chair upstairs but it'll creak like crazy lol.
There's so many redditors trying to get you laid right now lol
Some oil will fix that
Your mom should be made aware of this, so that she can watch your daughter.
Perhaps see if there are any hotels or motels nearby and go out for a night. Have some fun while your mom watches the daughter. If she is able to do so.
Yes. I would just masturbate a lot. My girlfriend is my best friend. I love her so much. I'll never leave her or stray. If for some reason she couldn't it wouldn't bother me. But we're slowing down a bit anyway. And we're couch potatoes. We'd just get a giant TV and watch movies and be happy in each other's company. She was in an abusive relationship for years. And I was in an emotionally abusive and sexless marriage for years. I found my kindred spirit. And she's amazing. And I'm happy.
God, I want this. I’m so happy for both of you that you have each other.
plenty of potatoes out there in the sea shoot your shot
I am in one and it’s complicated.
I'm in one that is just less sex than I want and it is complicated.
Also you dont know when you get married how life will change you and your spouse. You can very well marry a horn dog and expect them to stay that way but its no guarantee they will.
Same. Point of contention because he says it's cuz he can't stay hard but refuses to get the V. He thinks therapy will help his dick. But never seeks it. I just think he doesn't find me attractive anymore.
I'm too depressed most days to argue about it.
As someone who this happens to I promise there are a lot of reasons outside of just attraction. Stress, anxiety, age, and a lack of "new stimuli" are all huge leading factors for men being unable to perform. Stress and anxiety are the silent killers because even people who think they aren't that stressed may not realize how much there is in the background. Age also really messes with it, and the change can be dramatic. I'm only in my late 20s and I can tell you that the change in my dick function has altered dramatically in just the last year or so. Some weeks it feels like my old "buddy" is back, and other weeks it's like I'm working with an imposter dick.
The stimuli thing is sort of just a reality of human wiring. Studies have shown that men can become habituated pretty quickly to stimuli, and it makes changing it up incredibly important as we get older. My partner and I have recently honed in on this, and I can promise that it makes a big difference. On days when I know I don't really feel like sex my partner will suddenly shift things around a little bit (add a fun new kink, use some new dirty talk, etc.) and suddenly I'm ready to go. It doesn't fix it all the time, but it's one extra tool in the toolbox.
Genuinely though, take the time to explain to him how you want to help find a solution. Listen and sympathize with him. Let him know that you know it must be frustrating - embarrassing even. Tell him you're in it for the long haul, and that it's gonna be ok. Men need reassurance about stuff like this because so much of our personalities and culture are tied to the "virility" of masculinity.
I am literally in this situation. Says he will fix it but doesn't try. I stopped initiating because being turned down constantly is brutal. I'm starting to lose attraction towards him.
Went through something similar. I basically had to flat out say "This is important to me; having sex is a part of feeling like I'm in an actual relationship with you. I love you but I'm deeply unhappy and I'm going to leave if we don't work on changing this." Thankfully that was kind of a wakeup call and helped us at least sort out the problem and work towards fixing it. It's not perfect but things are better now.
Man, I get ya. I'm sorry. I'm not married. But just got out of an LTR last year. It was rough. Both of my last two serious relationships we were together a long time, and feeling the withdrawal of bodily affection that we talked about but they were unwilling to really address just made me feel so undesirable and cratered my libido.
This is my wife and I. I went from trying to initiate and getting shot down to just never initiating because the rejection was too painful. We are still caring and love each other she just has no desire for sex any more. Not with me, not with anyone.
We still hug and hold hands.and cuddle on the couch which I think we'd be divorced without.
I'm kinda in one right now. Rarely (once maybe twice a year) have sex. She's my best friend and isn't very sexual. That's fine because i get to spend the rest of my life with someone who saved my life.
Eidt: since yall asked, I'll keep it short. Sorry if the formatting sucks, I'm on mobile.
we met in 2007, she helped me get sober from opium.
2009, I lost my job, home and what I thought was everything. She stayed beside me, helping me find my footing.
2011, I had H1N1, in and out of conciousness, she (100lbs) picked me (230lbs) up, carried me up a flight of stairs, put me in the car and drove me to the hospital.
2017, I lost my grandfather then my father a month later. Felt lost and suicidal. Like a beacon in a storm she guided me back.
2022, we've been together for 16 years this September and there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for this wonderful woman.
I was for 5 years. My first wife kept asking we wait until marriage to have sex.
Alright, fine. I get it. Neither of us were religious but whatever, I can wait.
Night of, she "wasn't in the mood".
After a month I finally asked when the hell we were going to consummate out marriage and she dropped it on me that she was asexual.
No sex was one of the main things we fought about, and one of the biggest reasons we split.
Don't spring that surprise on someone, especially after lying to them for months that you're waiting until marriage.
Yeah, nothing against sexual people, my wife is ace, but you have to be open with people about that before you decide on forever with them.
That's just wrong. I'm asexual as well and that's the first thing I tell someone when they're interested in me. I don't want them to get their hopes up for something they can't have
Fuck that’s harsh. She a selfish one- sorry you had to go through that.
I don't even care about sex anymore, I just want to love someone and be loved without any conflict/cheating
In my current state no, but eventually once the libido is gone i could understand it
Yeah my answer is somewhat similar.
Would I be in a sexless relationship from the beginning? No. Sex is important. I love sex.
Would I be okay if my loving relationship one day goes sexless? Depends:
• If it’s because of my partner’s health issues? Totally yes.
• If we’re at one point content with our loving relationship and we just don’t find ourselves as horny as we used to be? Yes.
• If we get tired of each other and we have communication problems? Then no.
Edit: Thank you fellow Internet friends for the awards🥇 but why is my gold award not showing? ☹️
I know of a woman who married a man that became paralyzed early on. Not sure how they manage that exactly but he isn't capable of having sex. So they've been married for a number of decades at this point.
Circumstance : If I loved them
Asexual people everywhere be like:
"I see this as an absolute win!"
My husband and I are both ace. 100% in love, every single day a blessing. Hugging and cuddling and kissing and butt-pats all still on the menu.
Dying for that. I don’t think I’m entirely asexual, but would really be more than happy only doing it once a month, once every 2 months, but I’m 21f so it feels like every relationship with a man near my age is painfully sexually charged. Every touch is met with the expectation of sex and it kills my desire to be touched at all
Right? Like, asexual doesn't mean aromantic. I'd still like that have someone to love, just not someone that equates sex with love.
Right. I was like, "...yes, pls. That's my ideal relationship" when opening this thread.
I'm always blown away with threads like this, because I have a tendency to forget people actually want to have sex regularly, it's not a meme or joke, and base entire life decisions over it.
Like, I know that's obvious because of history, media, etc, but I just don't think that way and people rarely talk about the frequency of encounters in their sex lives outside of certain forums.
I just need to find an Ace boyfriend, but those are super rare.
We're in low supply but also in low demand.
as an ace guy, i'll say that's just the first step. you still need to find someone who is compatible and you like them.
instead of trying to find an ace girlfriend, i'm hoping to find an ace best friend. someone i enjoy spending time with and sharing my life with.
I was in one. Married for 28 years. Her mental health changed and became a bitter person. There was no intimacy for the last 15 or so years but I stayed with her because I thought it was the right thing to do. Then one day in 2019 I got a knock on my back door. It was a sheriff's deputy serving me a restraining order and eviction papers. Get some things together and get out he said. I never laid a finger on her or threatened her ever but she fabricated lies. I told him to talk to her and see who your dealing with. After about 5 minutes he pulled me aside and told me to file a restraining order on her,I'll call the judge and tell him your on your way. Both orders got thrown out and I was back in the house in 2 days.They told her to get counseling. Fast forward 2020 she left but would come around when I was at work , destroy my personal effects and damage the house. Re-filed the restraining order and am now in divorce proceedings. Last I heard she was in a homless shelter. I'm 58 she's 63.And I don't give a fuck
Definitely easy for me atleast. I always had a weird relationship with sex. I'm still questioning myself if it is because of some unknown problems, if my sex drive isn't that high or if im ace in some way...
Exactly the same for me; not sure if its hormonal or that I'm ace!!
I’m not sure if it’s my meds/eating disorder killing my hormones either. Last night I was really in the mood, but I can go weeks or months without thinking about it.
Same here (definitely relate to your comment below), and married. We meet in the middle, so to speak, and it’s working for us as the marriage is definitely loving. But I have come to the conclusion that I am somewhat in the ace spectrum, so I could easily go without.
Hey, I think I'm in the same boat!
Sexually Confused High five yeaaaah... xD
You’re not alone! Found out I was ace *after* we got married, LOL. His needs are different from mine; there have been rough moments and I have had to be reminded, “we haven’t done this in a while”. I love him and love helping his needs be met. It takes a lot of communication, and we make it work! Approaching our first decade together and still going strong!
Whatever you discover about yourself, know that you are not fundamentally broken or wrong. You are worthy of love and respect!
She likes sex. I like sex. Both relatively sex positive. When we have sex we both have a blast and get off.
But toddler. We’re both all touched out and tired and sometimes frustrated with toddler happenings. So there will be large swaths of time where there has been no sex. And that’s fine.
There was a time when I was younger where I would’ve said “I’m starved” but really all I needed was a perspective change. If I were able to talk to my younger self I’d tell him “it’s fine, you really need to quit devoting so much time and negative mental energy to these thoughts.”
“But toddler.” Lol so much said in just those two words
I felt that shit lol
I think it's so important to remember that relationships go through phases. There can be phases of lots of sex, and phases with next to none. And that's ok as long as you love each other.
We've got through phases in our marriage where we were having sex every day, and we've also gone weeks and even months without sex, usually due to a big life stressor (for instance, I was placed on pelvic rest for three months during my pregnancy). You've got to roll with the punches, and how much sex you are currently having really doesn't define your relationship. In the next month, it could look totally different.
> But toddler.
Man I relate so much to this. I'm 43 and she's almost 40, the little guy is just always around and when he's going to bed its late and we're tired and dirty
Sometimes after my toddler goes to bed is my only time to get things done. If I want to work on a project, go to the gym, watch a TV show, play a video game, or even pay some bills and do things online it almost all has to be done after my kids go to bed. It leads to my wife and I typically going to bed at different times every night.
I'm asexual, but didn't realize until after I had been in a committed relationship for a few years. Love my partner but couldn't care less about sex. I only do it because they enjoy it and I want them to be happy. But if I could go the rest of my life and not? Yeah, I'd be cool with it.
I got sick 6 or 7 years ago. I started having anaphylactic reactions to orgasm. That symptom has improved a bit, but my husband eats a lot of food I'm allergic to, and when we have sex, if he doesn't pull out, I get cramps, vomiting and a short but heavy bleeding episode, then swelling that makes it difficult to sit for a couple days, then all my skin down there peels. I'm also allergic to latex and also seem to react to latex free condoms, possibly because of the lube. When we have sex, I can't really get into it because I'm waiting for the vomiting and bleeding to start, and sometimes I resent having to do it, knowing I'll have days of discomfort afterwards because he's terrible at pulling out.
My husband says he's fine not having sex, or only doing it when I can clear my calendar long enough to deal with the symptoms, but it seems like a shame that he has to go without that part of marriage sometimes.
Have you talked about him changing his diet? If I loved trail mix and my wife threw up from sex because she's allergic to peanuts, I would just stop eating trail mix. Kind of no contest between my wife and a legume...
You'd be surprised how many people don't see this as a no-brainer. My first marriage basically ended because I got celiac and my husband took it personally. Current husband decided a few years ago that the gluten section of the kitchen should be the whole kitchen to the extent that I'm afraid to eat at his house. (I moved out for a lot of reasons, but a safe kitchen is one of the biggest.)
You deserve better
i might be overstepping my bounds here but i can’t help but feel like the burdens are super unequal in this situation. if him not being able to pull out (which should not be that hard in general) causes a life-threatening allergic reaction in you, he should probably learn to get better at that. or can he bring himself to care enough to endure the little bit of discomfort from cutting out his junk food if it means you don’t have to suffer horrific painful reactions?
Yeah if I was the husband, there would be no way I would let myself be bad at pulling out. I wouldn't even let myself get close when inside OP out of fear of causing symptoms.
Why isn’t your husband avoiding foods you are allergic to? Unless it’s an extreme amount of food allergies, it’s disrespectful for him to intentionally eat foods you are allergic to and then knowingly have sex with you.
Have you guys ever tried using toys and like masturbating together? Then you can still engage in sexual activities but less danger of allergies. Sorry if this is a bit too personal
Sorry if I’m crossing a line, but if your husband knows that not pulling out causes you so much pain for so long, it’s pretty shitty of him to be terrible at it. You don’t have to make your body suffer for absolutely anyone. Someone who loves you doesn’t want to see you in pain ever.
I have the same semen allergy. The last time a boyfriend finished in me accidentally I ended up in the hospital for a kidney infection because of all the swelling.
Because of this my dream partnership would be sexless. I wouldn't mind masturbating together. But I cringe at the thought of having a penis anywhere near me again.
I'm so sorry, it's really rough dealing with it.
I joke that at least we had our kids before I became allergic to his semen.
I was in a abusive relationship and now I never think of sex, and the thought of being intimate with someone makes me shrivel up like a old prune.
I think I would. I'm not asexual, but at this point in my life the thought of having sex sounds extremely stressful to me. So if I met another guy who just wasn't into it, I think I'd be cool with that.
I wouldn't enter a sexless relationship, but I'll stay in one, depending on if she still loves me.
My marriage is pretty sexless. It isn't because she doesn't love me, so even though I'm sexually unfulfilled on an always basis (I have a high sex drive, which is challenging when feeling unfulfilled), we still love each other and are life partners.
Maybe, eventually, things will change with her sex drive. I'm not counting on it, because I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't happen.
So obviously you take care of yourself, how do you do that without making her feel inadequate. or just an unspoken agreement? I was in a similar situation and was ridiculed for even taking care of myself, not in there anymore.
I didn’t know it but I really needed to read this today and be reminded that people are still meeting and making wonderful, life changing and loving connections. That it’s not just people who have been together for decades who are head over heels for each other and flexible and compromise. Thank you for sharing your love with Reddit.
I am kind of sort of in this dynamic with someone I met recently. I am gay-leaning, I met this girl, I am filling the role of "gay best friend" for her. I really love spending time with her, we have shared hobbies and interests, and I feel like she is a positive influence on me. I am not very interested in things becoming sexual with us. Partly because I fear if we do it will be revealed that we aren't very compatible with each other. Physically I like men, but my last few gay experiences have been such train-wrecks such that I am not actively looking for a gay relationships or hookups currently. But I cherish what I have with this girl, and I hope it continues in a positive direction.
I would. But I insist on cuddles.