sometimes people you care deeply about will choose to drop out of your life and all you can really do is have the grace to let them
edit. to everyone struggling with being left behind, and to everyone struggling with having to be the one to leave- I hope the pain eases for you soon.
This is elegant. I’m dealing with this right now. Part of me wants to revive our past relationship and constantly attempt to interact with them. But dignity and maturity dictate that it’s time to quit. At least I still have my memories!
the memories are the worst part to me. everything that was once happy becomes sad and it all just endlessly haunts me
Been there as well, was so involved with someone that every single thing I enjoyed would remind me of them. I though I would never get over the pain, it took maybe 5 years to be truly over it. It will get better eventually.
Been there too. Its like i associate my happiness with them. So now that they are gone, I struggle. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever be that happy again? Idk, but for now, im just pulling through. Mine was 3 years ago
I think this is happening to me at the moment. Haven't talked to my best friend since our birthday (same birthday 3 years apart). We have been friends since around 1990 or so.
I have texted and called but she has not replied. I can see from her social media she is doing good, but she isn't talking to me. Should she reach out I will answer. But I haven't reached out in over a month now. Giving her space and seeing what happens.
My grandpa just wanted to get to know me and the man I was becoming during his last year of life. Which I was too young and too selfish to realize.
Yeah, this hits home. I spent 90% of my childhood with my grandparents. I was at their house almost everyday. When I got into my teens and obviously found friends, discovered women, all that stuff and then I just stopped seeing them. They’re both gone now and they died with the memories of me as a child. Although they seen me sometimes while I was older, they didn’t know me because I didn’t give them the chance.
♥️ they understood. They were kids too! Don’t beat yourself over it forever, you’re only human and you still probably were their favorite grandchild!
Thank you for this, stranger.
This is coming from a firefighter:
If you have to perform CPR on them, it's most likely over for the patient.
I'm not sure if I've made peace with it completely, but I've accepted it at least.
Sometimes just getting a chance to try matters.
My Mom is a retired ER Nurse, my Dad was a retired Trauma Surgeon both in their 70s. We share a duplex, me and my son live downstairs.
In March, my Dad collapsed in the driveway, Mom found him 1-2 minutes later. I found her 1 minute later, she said "I called 911." Then I saw Dad on the ground, not moving...
She relayed the instructions from the 911 operator. I did CPR on my Dad, my first time ever doing CPR. I'm proud of my effort, I knew what to do, and tried hard. I heard the sirens and was SUPER relieved, the calvary was coming! The EMTs got here maybe after me doing CPR for maybe 2 minutes...
They had all the gear, even this fancy chest compression robot thingy. Three vehicles came, everyone was so professional and fast. We live 2 mins from a metro hospital... From the time of collapse to being delivered into the Hospital ER was probably like 10 minutes.
Every step worked perfectly, every helper/ person? Excellent.
Dad got to the Hospital and they treated us like one of their own. They did this interesting thing where they chill the whole body temp way down to protect the brain, then cycle body temp backup slowly over days... very high tech.
Dad never woke up. Per his wished, we removed life support as soon as it was clear he could not recover. He collapsed on a Friday, he died the following Monday.
My Mom was there holding his hand. I was there rubbing her shoulder. We chose the moment, after we removed support, his heart stopped about 90 seconds later. Incredibly quick, painless, and dignified exit. Mom's Brother walked us out of the hospital.
Obviously we miss him, but it's clean grief. We got an INCREDIBLE gift... we did everything right, and we still couldn't save him;
The gift is that we do not have to wonder. We got the CLOSURE that other people are denied.
We didn't come home and find him cold... forever haunted about "what if". We KNOW he didn't suffer, because he was walking around one minute and out cold the next.
We got to be right next to him as he took his final breath. We had a chance to pause, catch our breath over those last days, and call family so they could come visit/make plans. My son saw me do CPR, AND got to say "bye" to Grandpa at the hospital bedside.
All of that closure happened BECAUSE first responders are willing to step up and take a really hard job. The uncertainty you accept with bravery, is a gift of closure on this side.
Thank you. It's precious to me.
Thank you so, SO much for sharing this. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.
Being able to do something that might help in a terrible situation like this is huge and I am glad that you were able and had the possibility to atleast go through it this way. Massive props to the medical stuff too, it really sounds like they know what they're doing and know how much weight these last moments have.
Thank you very much again, stay strong.
I've taken CPR training twice in the past 10 years. The instructors were so completely different... The second one flat out told us "you're giving them about a 15% chance of living, and even if they live, they will probably have some kind of severe trauma that will dramatically decrease their quality of life". Wow...
you know what? every now and then someone goes into cardiac arrest.... the planets align to put the right person with the right equipment in the right place at the right time, and the victim is brought back and continues to live many more years with no deficits. This is the reason we train so many people in CPR. It's not for the majority who will still die, it's for the rare occasion that someone survives.
--am paramedic for almost 20 years.
Guy I knew about 35 years ago got into a stupid fight with his brother over nothing, got pushed over a bed and landed on a cup, which broke and poked a hole in his arm.
It punctured the brachial artery. He started pissing blood everywhere, naturally, and he went out like a light.
An ambulance was called and he was carted off to hospital with half the family in tow. He was pronounced dead on arrival, but they went through the motions simply because there were a bunch of family members having fits in A&E, they called it after a while, having done everything they could. But for some reason, this one sister in law who he didn't even get on with started having an absolute melt down, so they "gave it one more go" just to keep her quite, and bugger me if they didn't get him back.
Quite an impressive scar to show for it, and was still going about 10years ago last I heard.
Oh wow he literally owes her his life.
Someone I work with had a hear attack at work, any only survived because (1) he happened to have ordered one of those wall mounted defibrillator units for safety and it had just arrived, and (2) the office manager had taken a CPR course days prior.
The EMT who arrived did not pull punches, he told us he literally would be dead by the time he arrived if those two things didn't happen.
After a month or two recovery he was back on his feet. Crazy.
Exactly. PLEASE do CPR if you have to, the odds are low, but not zero.
But, yeah. It sadly isn't magic. You still don't have a proper blood circulation and oxygen supply a few minutes.
My dad passed away 6 weeks ago and I will NEVER see, hear, chat or get to hug him ever again & that forever is a long time.
I'm so sorry. If you have his voice on a voicemail, save that on your own device, because the phone service will delete it after a few years.
My brother died at the end of March after a long battle with cancer. In his last few days when he could barely talk at all I said, “Hey! Look me in the face and tell me that you love me,” which is something my best friend who died of cancer ten years ago used to always say. My brother looked over and smiled and choked out the words, “I love you.” I have probably played that video five-hundred times already.
God damn, now someone is cuttin onions in my car.
A friendship you thought would last forever can end in an instant
You can be hanging with your best friends and not realize that it is actually the last time you'll ever be all together in the same room. Even just because of moving cities.
My best mate of 20 years, said that he didn’t want to be my best man and just said he didn’t want to be my friend any more. Hurt like hell.
Edit: I did ask, several times over message for a reason, but he never stated what it was. All he said was ‘maybe I’ll tell you one day’
My best friend of ten years was our best man. Wedding was almost 2 years ago. This year he sent me a huge message saying how he hasn't been invested in our friendship for "years." That includes my wedding.
I would have rather he turned us down as best man, because now I have to look at our wedding photos and feel awful every time. He didn't even want to be there.
Edit: I originally shared more details, but I feel kinda icky sharing them online. Long story short, if you have long-standing beef with a friend you've had for years, just talk to them instead of saying everything is fine, especially before big events.
That's honestly such a shitty thing to do. Why tell you that, even if it's the truth
Edit: to all the commenters, I mean that including a time frame that went back to before the wedding is a shitty thing. It isn't bad to be up front about not wanting to remain friends but there was no reason to ruin the memories of such an important event.
One of my best friends invited me to be a groomsman in his wedding. He told me ahead of time he wasn't having a best man so that's why he didn't pick me.
Only, at the wedding he had a best man I found out that day. Which, is fine but why lie about it?
That wedding was 5 years ago and he hasn't spoken to me since then. I've reached out several times and gotten no explanation or anything.
My best friend asked me to skip work so I could do her makeup for a dinner she was going to, it was a new job so I told her she could meet me on my lunch and I would do it then and she said no, it would be too much. The next day she posted her wedding pictures on Facebook. She wanted me to do her wedding make up but wouldn’t tell me about the wedding.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I accepted being my friend's maid of honor but I don't fully support the marriage for a variety of reasons, none of them feel bad enough to turn down the position and yet... I feel like a total fraud for accepting, but if I had turned it down I don't know how we could have remained friends.
I have a really hard time with this one. Every friendship I've had in my adult life has only lasted a couple years tops. Rarely a falling out or anything, but just drifting apart or shit happens type deal. It's hard for me to make friends in the first place because I'm pretty shy, so having to regularly restart that process is really discouraging. Right now I don't really have any friends because I've just kinda given up trying.
This is a very lonely state of being. I've had it happen with friends and also some family. For me it turned out that part of it was attachment issues, meaning the way I relate to people is not how a healthy person would. Without realising it, I grow more distant when things get close, but don't notice, because the people feel just as close and important to me as they did the whole time. But to the others, it looks like I don't care.
Maybe looking into your own attachment style could be helpful to you, too.
It is horrible. I haven’t had friends in yearrsss.
I’ve tried too- but I am shy. I’m really talkative Once I get comfortable or feel “safe”. I’m very awkwardly introverted until than, some people naturally I open up to quicker than others based on how I read them. I’m not a bad dude. Serious, I treat people with dignity and respect, I have a kind heart, I want the best for people and I want to be someone who makes people feel good about themselves.
I attribute this to a lot of trauma in interpersonal relationships, betrayals, abandonment issues, trust issues.
It’s easier for me to deal with the pain of loneliness, I can control that pain if that makes sense. I can’t control the pain of betrayal- and betrayal stings so much more than the dull buzz of empty, familiar loneliness.
So there is a part of me that is very avoidant, intimacy terrifies me. The steps to it do because in those steps, that’s where the pain happened.
I’m learning now how to be friends with people again after a long, long time. I am practically a hermit. But I am blessed I have people who are willing to be patient with me while I learn to “come out of my shell” and I’m making great strides. I hope this post lets people know you aren’t alone, there’s nothing “wrong” with you, you are fine, we just have been banged up a bit. And need a little extra love from people as a result. ❤️
On Monday she was my best mate, on Tuesday she was gone forever. I still don't understand why she did it but I accepted it. She didn't commit suicide, she just stopped talking to me, but it was like loosing somebody for real because I lost her for real.
EDIT: apparently many people have gone through the same. I hope you heal soon, it stops hurting so much after a while.
For those asking for more details: this happened 6 years ago, I tried to contact her for several months but she wouldn't want to meet, nor talk nor give any clue. After those months I stopped denying reality and gave up.
I considered her my best friend, I was the best man at her wedding a couple of years before the "break up".
This happened to me. Someone I loved like a sister and was so close to, just one day decided to never talk to me again. No fight. Nothing bad happened between us. Nothing was said. She just stopped being my friend. It was almost 10 years ago now and I still have absolutely no idea why or what happened.
Pretty much the same thing happened with me. One day we were best friends like we have been, then out of nowhere cut me out of her life abruptly without saying a word. It's like a death even though they're still walking around living their life.
I still have dreams about a friend who did this to me 4 years ago. Literally dreamt about her last night.
It's been over 10 years for me and still had dreams of us just hanging out. I'd wake up so sad that it wasn't real. She was my best friend for 7 years but she changed after getting married. I blamed her husband for her just dropping me.
I stupidity reached out to her about a month ago. I didn't expect her to reply but she did. She wasn't mean or anything but she isn't the same person, definitely not the "friend of my dreams". Reality has a way of smacking you around sometimes.
Whoa. This kinda makes me feel better. Maybe we just wouldn't be compatible friends any more.
I think this is quite common. Happened to a friend of mine once she got engaged, her fiancé changed her and also just the act of getting engaged after being single for so long totally changed her personality. Sometimes it truly is “it’s not you, it’s me” on their end.
I do the same. As soon as it feels like I've moved on from the friends that ghosted me, I dream about hanging out with them and the sadness comes back. I hope we both find new people to put our energy into.
I realized in therapy yesterday I'm only keeping myself alive out of a sense of obligation to others. That wasn't a fun realization.
Me too. But as of late, I’m starting to care less and less about that obligation
That at the end of the day, the only one I can rely on is myself
I wish I could rely on myself..
I'm aware enough to know that there is something wrong with me. But I'm not aware enough to know what it is, let alone fix it.
Felt like this for 33 years before I got diagnosed with Asperger’s, ADHD, and a few other things. Trust me, go see a doc.
Being alive is expensive.
I read on here yesterday that the cost of living is outweighing the benefits. Never thought of it that way before and now it’s the only way I can think about it
[**The Onion ~ Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits**](https://www.theonion.com/cost-of-living-now-outweighs-benefits-1819567799)
Truly ahead of their time
No one is coming to help
Everyone is making jokes - I get exactly where you're coming from. My wife and I get basically zero support from either of our families, and when we get into tough shit, there is no rescue or recourse, we just have to ride through it and hope we come out okay. I also know that when it comes right down to it, if something tough happened with me, I'd be almost completely on my own to handle it. It's a very tough realization.
It’s rough, especially when you see everyone around you getting a hand. But there’s nothing to do but soldier on.
I went through 2 years of cancer treatments. I realized this after 6 cycles of chemotherapy. No one’s coming.
Hardest part of my life has been realizing this.
I'm aging nonstop
Eventually it does stop....
My childhood is gone, and I have no good memory from that phase of my life
Edit: This blew up, which is kinda unfortunate and sad. Kinda amazed by the reception.
for me it's my teenage years. I missed on so much and it made me really socially handicapped.
Same with me , spent most of my teen years depressed , rotting away in my room battling suicidal thoughts. I'm 22 now and feeling like i'm starting to come out of it but i'm realizing how much it thwarted my growth , how much i missed out on and didn't experience and i feel like i'm now starting life. I feel like i'm stuck at a certain age like i'm still a kid in many ways and i haven't grown or changed into a real "adult"
Well, if it's any consolation, I didn't feel like a real adult until well into my 30s. I don't know if any of us ever really feel that way. Good thing is being 22 is you have plenty of time to have experiences that you may have felt you missed out on, that may not be the case for some things. But the 20s is definitely better than teens IMO.
Not too long ago did my mother say that she hopes my sister and I had a happy childhood. I didn’t dare open my mouth. Childhood, the good old days, I don’t think I can say such a thing. My childhood was school and things I enjoyed doing, which I did alone since I had very few friends. I’ve been doing everything I enjoy on my own for the past 10 years, since I was 11. The only good thing from the old days was the absence of the overwhelming pressure of what I should be doing with my life.
I should add that I’ve met some people back in februari. After meeting them I could no longer understand how I could keep myself entertained for 10 years on my own. I wish I met them all those years earlier.
Edit: thanks for the award, kind stranger
I’m an alcoholic
Just because you think someone is "the one", doesn't mean they think you are.
You can be the best apple on the tree. But they may not like apples.
And apples shouldn't try being an orange.
20 years I've been with "the one" she is as beautiful and awesome as the day we met. This last 12 months she's been telling me that she's not in love with me anymore and as much as I try to hold on, I think she is gone. She just looks through me, she still says love you but she said it's what she has always said out of habit and doesn't mean it anymore.
I hurts so much
Edit- thank you all for your advise and well wishes. Venting on here is my only outlet
If it makes you feel any better I had someone like that. They just left me after 3 years together. Suddenly came home packed stuff with their fam and left and ghosted me like I never mattered. Its been 3 weeks and I’m still confused. She said “you never did anything wrong you did everything right” and that if it wasn’t for me she would be dead. And all that other stuff and man I really loved her and thought it would work even tho for a few months I could see her moving apart and not engaging with me. Its crushing and shocked the hell out of me. Hope it works out for you.
nothing, she just said something inside her changed and has no answers
Time to work on yourself, pursue things that interest you without consideration for her. See if she wants to join you on that journey, but there is a chance by that time you will want to go alone. Been there, done that.
Thanks mate, I will. there are many hobbies I want to do and will work on.
Honestly, best advice you've got. At the end of the day, only things that are 100% sure for all of us are ourselves and death. Everything else is questionable, especially now when world has gone crazy
As I age I've come to realise that sometimes people grow together and sometimes they grow apart.
I'm not the same person I was when I was 19 and after 18 years with the same person I came to realise that we had both changed and that the people we had grown up to be weren't compatible anymore.
It made much more sense to put the relationship to bed and to move on with our lives. Although it hurt at first we are both much happier people than we were.
I know these are just words but sometimes people just fall out of love and it sucks to be the other party in this. Just know it really wasn't anything you did.
Best realization I had along these lines is to not fantasize about people. Don't fit people into daydreams or mastrubate to them. Doing this makes them objectives rather than individuals.
Just dig people for who they are and accept the uncertainty of the experience. If you're nervous about the future with them or jealous of their past you won't enjoy the present with them.
It's hard to come to grips with the fact that the person that you believed them to be, or that they were at SOME point in your relationship, is never going to be the way you want it.
E: Damn, I guess a lot of people agree. I hope you all didn't ALSO have to learn this lesson the hard way, like I did.
Wish someone could have told me this when I was 11. Would have saved me _and_ a fair few (girl)friends varying amounts of pain throughout my teenage years.
Chances are it wouldn't have mattered because you didn't have the wisdom to take the advice as you do now.
That's the funny thing about growing up, we all hear about what we should and shouldn't do but unless you go through the process a lot of times it doesn't really stick the same way.
I'll masturbate to whoever I damn well please,starting with you!
I'm masturbating to you masturbating to them.
Im kinda dumb tbh
I respect this admission so much.
It takes wisdom to know and admit stupidity.
The stupidest people on Earth are those who would never admit ignorance.
I often feel really dumb and incapable of things. I guess it's a healthy maturing awareness of my own limitations, but I still thought I would be more than I am.
I feel exactly the same, could've not express It better myself
My personal level of stupidity never ceases to amaze me sometimes. Little actions throughout some days, literally make me question how I'm capable of dressing myself up every morning.
If it makes you feel any better, last night I spent a good five minutes using my phone light to look for my phone in a dark room
This actually says more about our phone's constant presence in our lives. It does everything, so it has sort of become invisible
There are two types of intelligence. Fluid and crystallized. If you don't have natural fluid intelligence (i.e, information processing, logical thinking, wit), make up for it with your crystallized intelligence. Crystallized intelligence is the experience, knowledge, skills you obtain over the course of your life. It's going to take you more effort and determination than someone who has stronger fluid intelligence than you, but don't sell yourself short. Make up for it by continuously learning and being open minded.
Edit: As many others have pointed out, TLDR: it's basically INT vs WIS.
Also if you have good "fluid" intelligence but lack "crystallized" and memory is an issue for you. Look into training your memory. Memory as well as your brain can be trained and exercised.
You aren't "dumb", in fact, statistically, you're probably average. You merely lack knowledge and experience. Both things that can be acquired and learned over time.
Edit2: Okay, so a lot of people seem to have high "fluid" intelligence but feel like they lack "crystallized".
Let me try to explain this with an analogy.
If you're familiar with Pokemon, many of you know there are stats each Pokemon has right? There are ways you can increase your Pokemon's stats through something called "EV training", where EV (crystallized intelligence) stands for "Effort Value" and then there is something called "IV" (fluid intelligence) which stands for "Individual Values". IV values are the natural base stats your Pokemon has that CANNOT be changed (well they can be now but before it was impossible). Every new Pokemon will start at level 1 (your age) but each Pokemon will have different IVs. So assuming with two of the exact same Pokemons, if you level your Pokemon to 100 with just Rare Candies, your Pokemon will ultimately lose to a Pokemon that went through "EV training" because that Pokemon gained those extra stat points through effort and training. The Pokemon that had naturally higher stats at the start thanks to their IV will now have lower stats than one that went through EV training when both are at the same level. The same logic can be applied to your "fluid" and "crystallized" intelligence. Just because you started out with higher "fluid" intelligence and you have a higher base stat to start with, does not mean you're going to hold an advantage without training and applying yourself. You still need to work on certain skills and abilities and put in the effort otherwise, you're going to be outpaced by someone who DOES train/work hard/practice.
This ties back to my original comment, if you lack "fluid" intelligence, then you can make up for it with "crystallized" and "crystallized" intelligence is something that CAN BE ACQUIRED by anyone with the ability to learn. And I'm just going to make the bold assumption that all of you can learn because you're on reddit reading this 😅.
Crystallized intelligence isn’t always enough and that’s why it’s depressing.
There are always new things popping out, and it takes at least 2x more effort than what my colleagues put in. This often leads to working a lot, sometimes 12-14 hours a day and its still not enough. My fluid intelligence is low; so I am a slow learner and have to overtime.
Maybe I am not stupid, but I am not smart either.
There will be no cure for my spinal cord injury in my lifetime. It was initially very depressing to realise, but almost 3 years in I'm kind of okay with it.
They should cure other stuff like ALS first, and if it has to be SCI related - cure the nerve pain, or the bowel/bladder stuff. The not walking is very low on my list of priorities personally.
I'm aware of ongoing research, but have no faith in any of it. We'd have to either revolutionise neurology or be very lucky.
It's been 34 years since my accident. Completely dislocated my spine from T-12 to L2. I have severe "phantom pain" in both my legs that's worse than anything else I've ever experienced, and I was no stranger to pain before the accident. About 15 years ago I started passing kidney stones almost constantly. Even that isn't as bad as the "phantom pain".
The first two years were the hardest, but the rest really fucked with me until I give up hope. Hope kept me in a state of perpetual depression and angst; acceptance let me move on and live life on my terms. Good luck to you, my friend. One can still find joy in life, regardless of our situation.
Pain and nerve research does stink. Especially when you have rare crap. It feels pretty lonely and you know you might be waiting a loooong time for a game changer. There are tools we can learn how to use to take the edge off, but there’s a lot that will just always be there and we… just have to learn to cope with that, I guess.
For what it’s worth, thank you for sharing. It’s inspiring to hear this. I have my own neurological medical shit to deal with. Sometimes I think, how they hell am I supposed to go the next year of my life, let alone 30. I’ve just started coping in more serious ways. Being able to mentally accept and move on is hard. But it’s what I need to hear and work on right now. Thank you!
My depression is very likely chronic. I'll be living with it for the rest of my life.
There are plenty of us like that - diagnosed at 19, now I'm in my late 40's. I'll never be able to go a day without an anti-depressant. I'll have bouts of depression even with the medication.
But I can still function in society - most of the time. So I try to live well on the good days, and grit my teeth and bear it on the bad days (of which today is one).
You can do everything perfectly and still fail completely.
People would rather leave you than own up to what they did and they’ll never even give you a second thought. Humans, turns out, are good at lying to themselves.
Edit: oh! oh wow! So many upvotes! Thank you all! Should I shamelessly plug my twitch? Hahaha naw I’m just playin. Thanks!
There's an episode of Star Trek: the Next Generation where Picard tells Data: "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness - that is life."
I'm not sure people leave without a second thought... you may never know how much someone who's left thinks about you. They may deeply regret what they've done and just not know how to fix it... or believe that it cannot be fixed.
No matter how hard you love someone, they can fall out of love with you and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. Took me a lot of self destruction and pain to realize it. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.
After 10 years of being together, 8 years of marriage and two wonderful children, my wife broke up with me, 2 months ago. We shared almost a third of our lifes together, through thick and thin. She said we'd grow old together, that i was the love of her life. Even until around a month before the break up. I am still devastated. The life i knew and grew to love is gone. And i still love her, at least the person she used to be. It's by far the worst thing i've been through. It was hard to accept that and push through. But i survived it... and there is still a long way to go before i can forgive her, or at least accept her as a person (we still need to talk because of the kids). And before i can trust again.
Edit: For anyone interested. I did seek and get professional help, which is, thank god, free here in germany.
My husband of 25 years (3 children and a solid life) did this 12 years ago. It’s taken me the better part of those 12 years to rebuild and keep moving forward. Hard as hell. I wish you well my friend.
I hear this. I always fall harder for my partner than they do for me. I know people are fully allowed to change their feelings over time, but it still feels like a brutal betrayal every time. This person you care about, and have invested so much time and effort into being with, can, suddenly, have a change of heart and just leave. To compound matters, they deal with their trauma or issues around leaving *before* they do it, so usually when they go they seem fine and you are the person left holding the cheque, emotionally.
Boy, you just described my relationship with my ex-wife to a T. I felt blindsided and betrayed, and she seemed so completely emotionally over it all ready by the time she actually said she wanted a divorce. I did everything I could think of to try to "fix" it, to try to "fix" me for her, but it was just over, you can't save a relationship if only one side wants to work on saving it.
Going through this right now. She left 3 weeks ago. I’m a fucking mess, almost lost my job due to anxiety and depression. She seems happy.
EDIT: Just want to say thanks for all the support from everyone. Ive read every comment. I’ve listened to all the songs suggested. I’m overwhelmed. To everyone going through the same thing - we’ll get through this.
Brother I'm with you. The "woman of my life" left me this January...It gets better. Use this opportunity to be happy without a partner.
One thing that helped me was to realized that I don't need to feel sad all the time. Like, there is no obligation about it. So when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I stop and ask: do I need to feel this shitty? Is it more helpful if I feel good about something else? And somehow it helps me. Idk.
I just wanted to say that you're not alone. If you need to talk or some shit feel free to DM. Peace
True friends are extremely rare, especially as an adult.
Your life can flip seemingly over night. Born to a family that did well. Went to college, didn’t have any debt, got a good job, never really had any hardship in my life.
Then all of a sudden I lose my voice and it turns out to be cancer. During Covid I get my second bout of cancer and my dad dies of Covid before the vaccines ever come out.
Cancer and grief have consumed my life. My lifelong depression is only kept at bay with meds and even the meds don’t keep the grief and anxiety away. Life feels meaningless, inconsequential, and painfully random in how it doles out it’s punishment.
I’m 3 years in and still technically stage 1 despite 2 surgeries and about to go into my second round of radiation.
I’m just… tired and I’m not even that old.
Life isn’t fair
I hate when people say karma will get that bad person. 9 times out of 10 the asshole gets away with it.
life is unfair
Shitty people always make it to the top because they don’t care who they step on to get there.
Exactly this. It's not that the bad people are lucky or even better, they're just cunning. They can turn off that switch in their brain that feels remorse for hurting those around them. Most decent people can't. If you want to be in the 1% of successful people...you need to be ruthless in your ambition.
I love when people ask "what's the secret sauce? Waking up early? Working hard?" It's ruthless, calculates risks.
The sooner most of us realize what it actually takes to get there, the sooner you’ll realize you don’t really want to/can be that person.
I believe the only way to get to the top while remaining a fundamentally good person is plain dumb luck.
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." - Cpt. Jean Luc Picard
I really like the story concept of the Kobayashi Maru, because portrays this whole "inescapable situation with only crappy outcomes" thing so well.
It's something some people really have to deal with in life, while some others don't. Trying to explain that to someone who hasn't been in such a situation always leads to an answer in the likes of "OH I would have just blabla...". No Niclas, you would have fucked up as well...
I will never get back the time I have lost to depression.
Edit: I am amazed by the huge response, and appreciate your comments and the awards. Thankfully, life is mostly better for me. We can and do recover. I wish those of you in the middle of it you peace and love. Reach out for help, you are worth it.
This hit me hard too. I’m working on getting better and life is pretty good right now but damn if I don’t get mad thinking about how much time depression took away from my life. Fuck depression!
My biggest regret now that I've come out to the other side. I lost my life from ages 18-23 and it stunted my maturity for awhile there.
Been depressed my whole life but that time period was crippling. I did nothing. Had no one.
You won't. But if you are currently in a better place mentally, you can prevent it from taking any more of your time. It helps me to sometimes picture my depression or anxiety as some sort of entity trying to control me and directing my life. I would have never ever gave that much control over my life to some other person. I would fight for my freedom and things I love and enjoy. So I try to use that mindset and fight my GAD when I feel it trying to overcome me.
If you're still not in a good place, seek some help. Even if it might seem like it won't do anything..
Wow this hit me hard. Depression and fear held the reins for way to long.
I’m a coward and it’s costing me.
I read a few of the many comments, and I’ll answer a few. I’m a coward because I’m afraid of change, I’m afraid to fail and to hurt people, I’m afraid my dreams make me selfish and that I’ll step on people who are just like me if I try to pursue them. Yes, I am afraid to ask people out, and I’m afraid that someday I’ll realize that they might have been the one. I’m afraid my efforts however inconsequential are in vain. I’m afraid to stand up, for myself and for others. I was afraid of the truth, and at least I can say I got past it, because now, I am oh so intimately familiar with my flaws. I’m afraid that I have a superiority complex and act like a snob, while I am ironically afraid that I am rather stupid. I’m afraid I talk to much and I annoy everybody I talk to, and that even when they smile, in their mind they are begging me to shut up for a minute. I’m afraid that I’m a fraud, and I’m afraid that I have no right to fear these things so early in life.
I don’t see a therapist because they cost money, and I work at a gas station.
Maybe I haven’t really made peace with it. I hope to god I’m not this way forever. I know, that someday, somehow, I’ll find a way, but for now, It’s all I can do to stay in perspective and slink forward to the next day. And look forward to a future that seems oh so far beyond the reach of one with the means I posses.
Edit 2: ngl kinda expected and hoped for this to be an obscure comment with like two upvotes or something but I guess thanks for the interest and thanks to all the kind strangers for the awards.
Don’t have the courage to do what i KNOW is the right thing for me. Ughhh
I’m not a drug user, but every year or so I consume a THC edible and take out a notepad. After I’m appropriately high, I go look around my home, and I think about my life, family, and friends. Then I write a letter to myself where I tell myself what’s wrong in my life. I’m very hard on myself and I'm very honest with myself when I’m high. When it’s all done, I usually have a list of things I need to do to “fix” my life. Typically, if I do the things on this list I feel better and my life improves.
That introspection when high is something isn’t it? It makes me look at myself as An outsider and pick apart how I live my life and interact with my wife. It’s really something tbh. I’ve learned to be more kinder to her.
That's why I refuse to get stoned and think about my life. I get *super* paranoid about how much time I've wasted on the stupid decisions I've made in life.
I mean, that's something you could work on for yourself. Therapy or just self introspection...
I'm only 25 but had countless of opportunities passed my way because I was afraid to do something.
Damn, this right here is real.
Ok that hit a little too close to home
We and us
That I’ll be in pain for the rest of my life. Everything I do will be accompanied by pain. Never will I experience the peaceful bliss of just existing without constant discomfort.
I find it more comforting than depressing but some people will see it as the opposite. I'm entirely fine with being in no relationship. It's been almost a decade since the last one and I just don't see it as the priority that others do. I'm entirely fine with just having friends and colleagues. Hell I'm happy. I just wanna toss it out there because some people might find my reasoning to be helpful in deciding their life priorities.
Good companionship and intimacy cannot be understated. I don't think it's for absolutely everybody but when you have it, it is very good. However you're on the right path of being okay by yourself. Too many people try to make themselves whole using someone else. Only you yourself can complete you.
And when you feel whole / great with yourself while being alone, if you do find somebody, it will probably be a much better, healthier experience.
This is me. I tell people I have nothing against finding a man, I just simply don’t care enough so I’m not going to seek one out. I am perfectly, absolutely, happy on my own. If a relationship “happened naturally” somehow I would not fight it, but since I don’t do anything (introvert here lol, I like my apartment) that’s unlikely to happen. I feel the same way about kids. If I did *somehow* find a man that wants kids I would not be *opposed* to having a child or two, but, eh. I don’t really feel strongly either way.
Honestly I fully expect never to marry, and I’m perfectly okay with that.
That my whole life has been a waste. That if I disappeared tomorrow nobody would even know or care. I used to consciously feel the existential dread that brings, but now I just kind of ignore it and keep going on with my mechanical existence.
I'm likely destined for an average life.
Being a kid is always thinking u are the main character destined for great things.
Growing up is realizing u are a background extra in a single filler episode...... if you are lucky
And people tragically think this isn't worth aspiring for.
I'm all for it, personally. Anything outside the drab is a bonus, whether amusing or traumatizing.
True. I love an average life.
I will always have the big sad following me, I can push it down for a bit, but it will come back eventually.
I just need to remember to breathe and remember I can get past it.
I’ve had to accept this and surprisingly it’s helped. It’s just always gonna be apart of me and I can’t change it. I’ve learned that I have to let myself feel it and let it hurt because if I distract myself or run away it only makes it last longer.
Same though. I definitely hit manic/depressive moments but eventually I will get on. Maybe not happier, but on nonetheless. Keep at it you’re doing great.
Also be mindful that you may feel well for a really long time. I spent my whole life with depression, but have been free of it for 5-6 years now. Never thought that possible.
I know it will be back one day, but knowing I can be happy for this long makes it all worth it.
I haven’t been suicidal in a long time (though I do ask myself every night “what if I just killed myself right now?” But I’m not suicidal if that makes sense), but when I do get waaaay down to that vortex of darkness, I remind myself that it WILL pass and I’ll be ok again. This is just temporary. Life is beautiful and dark, but that’s what makes it worth living. As my dad (who ironically committed suicide…) use to say “permanent solution to a temporary problem”
one day all my friends will go our separate ways, we will eventually stop talking
One day was the last day you ever talked to a friend and you had no idea.
I had a friend I used to game with. We played multiplayer games pretty much every day for years.
We would sign on to Steam at the same time every day and like clockwork, just start chatting with each other. We talked about everything. It never dawned on me to swap phone numbers/social media with him, because we were so consistent with our timing.
The last time I talked to him was 9 years ago. One day he just didn't sign on, and that was it. I have no clue what happened to him.
I made a good friend like this through Xbox (destiny 1), we actually became good irl friends and hung out a bunch but one day he stopped signing on, I texted and called him for 2 weeks straight with no answer.. I searched his name online n found an obituary. I broke out in tears as we had plans to do a lot things in world
RIP google maps OP 🕊 I love you Jake
Now that's really sad.
Post their username on Reddit, there’s a dedicated sub for that i think.
What’s the sub name?
Sort of happening to me now. It feels awful
You're completely alone inside your own head. No one will ever be able to truly feel what you feel.
No matter how much you care or fight it, friends will stop talking to you
I put in an incredible amount of work to organize meetups for a former best friend who had clearly got tired of me, and it finally took me getting ghosted by them to realize how much time I'd wasted on someone who didn't want it anymore. It was a good lesson to learn, but damn do I miss them sometimes.
Yeah, I've been there. Tried to organize meetups but when they fell threw and no one has brought up another time. You can get an idea of where you stand.
You can fall out of love
Yeah I agree with this. As one of my favourite singer said "They never told us love could die before we do". That's quite cliché but still a strong sentence in my opinion
You can also fall back in!!
And it's so much fun doing it too. I fell out of love with my husband during a bad round of depression on my part. I still loved him and didn't want to end things so I started dating him again. Had date nights, couples cooking nights, movie night, doing little things for each other, long conversations about nothing, lots of small things. I'm happy to say it worked. We are both very different people than what we used to be, but I love him so very much, brings a smile to my face every time I see him.
That's really beautiful and, to me, is the whole point of being in a long-term relationship. There's always room for growth!
Unlike the movies, humanity won’t pull together in the final hour to avert catastrophe. We’re 100 minutes from midnight and people are clinging to their daily distractions like a figurative safety blanket.
I will always fight my demons. There is no healing from it.
I'll never be comfortable financially. I have failed every attempt. I really did try. I promise you, I did. But nothings worked for me. I just have to accept it.
For me, being comfortably financially means I can go to the grocery store and buy basic food items without worrying that this carton of eggs will put me over budget.
My 10 year goal is to be doing well enough that I don't know what day I get paid on.
My 5 year goal is to not know exactly what hour my check usually clears.
Friday at 3 am baby we’re rich!!! For a few hours until I wake up and pay bills :(
Damn this one hits fucking hard. Went to college and now I’m in debt, tried long term investments and those tanked, stuck with shitty ass low pay jobs.
Like all the time I kept asking myself “when will this fucking end?”
Until I made peace with it.
I'm going to have to commit suicide when I get too old/tired to continue working. I live check to check and will never have the savings for any kind of retirement.
This was going to be my answer. I have a small amount of savings, I will never be able to save anywhere near what I would need to retire. I have to enjoy life now, because retirement simply means death.
Idk if you’re in the States or in Europe or somewhere else, but look into places like Thailand, extremely low cost of living area comparatively.
Yeah, so I've seriously considered doing this.
Step 1: Get old.
Step 2: Get a passport.
Step 3: Leverage whatever, probably small, assets in order to get loans
Step 4: Pull everything out as cash or put into bitcoin.
Step 5: Get to Vietnam or Cuba as fast as possible.
Step 6: Tell any collectors to go fuck themselves since neither country have extradition treaties with the US.
That'll be my retirement, probably.
I’ll never be okay with myself and my existence
I'm most likely going to die alone.
I’ll never get to meet my mom
That ptsd will always affect me in every aspect of my life, I never asked to be traumatized it's frustrating.
The people that cause the most harm to the world will go unpunished, live happy and fulfilled lives, and die getting to do pretty much anything they ever wanted simply because they were either born into wealth or managed to acquire tons of if through nefarious means.
The Sackler family comes to mind.
We are all loved conditionally.
100% Some people can love their kids through a lot of garbage, but everyone has limits.
People with chronic illness have it particularly rough. I'm lucky to have some support in my life, but it was a huge wake up call for how disposable we all are.
Chronic illness here, mine is controlled in recent years but it’s so strange how people expect illness just to leave? Like they’ll tolerate it for a couple of months, but if it’s not better the sympathy drains away
Agreed. Diagnosed at 15. I found out just how quickly everyone abandoned me. When I managed to get things in remission, my "family" pretended that now everything was fine, so now they could love and accept me again, ya know so long as I never mentioned still having the chronic disease again. They had already left me for dead 4x by then though so I was used to the fairweather routine. It still hurt though. I'll sometimes wear support bracelets/post about funding/charity shout outs, and when they were in my life they would sometimes comment things like "oh yeah, you still have that." Umm yes I still have THAT, I will always have THAT, and as the doctors told you when I was a teenager if THAT isn't kept in remission it will kill me within a year. So yes I still have THAT and not a day goes by that I don't think about THAT. Glad it's so inconsequential to you though.
I'm sorry to hear about your family. I went to some patient conferences and this was so common it was depressing. Like, where was the memo on this?!? All I ever heard was BS about the importance of family and PSA's about "reaching out" if you are struggling. This issue deserves better representation in the media at the very least.
I will be lonely for all life even though I am surrounded by people
I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Growing up In the 90’s in a rural area they never checked for that, in fact I was pretty much labeled a problem child despite being a decent student. On top of this I didn’t mentally mature at the same pace my friends did, they were discovering stuff about themselves that I didn’t even begin to discover until I was in my 20’s. On top of that my parents just didn’t know what to do with me, I got treated pretty bad until I was in high school when my mom kind of figured there was something a little different about me but most days she brushed it off. It took me getting counseling through the army to get diagnosed. Looking back it all really made sense that I had ADHD, especially since my nieces and nephews all seem to have it.
Same here. It sucks, and I fall perfectly into that recent research that suggests people with undiagnosed ADHD are at extremely high risk of mental illness and suicidal behavior. The consequences of undiagnosed ADHD are so much worse than getting misdiagnosed with ADHD so I've really grown to hate people who maintain ADHD is "overdiagnosed" - because not only are they wrong, they're preventing people from getting help they need.
I hate my job but currently I'm really not in a situation where I csn leave or get another job.
I’m going to die alone because I can’t make love work.
That the damage done by abusive, neglectful, absent parents will never be “OVER”. Only handled
I’m probably never gonna have a wife and kids.
My time in Iraq was a complete waste. 3 years of my life gawn.
The world doesn’t care if you’re a good person. Matter of fact, they’re preying on *good* people.
Edit: Not just my time. Everyone that served in that war. *Especially the ones that died.* on both sides.
I know of several soldiers that brought tons of Iraqi Dinar hoping it would pay off. Well, 5 years later, here comes ISIS and wipes all that away…
A total waste of time….
nothing is forever
I was raped and physically abused. Both by family and another male student in middle school.
I had to switch schools because he told everyone he raped me and the school did absolutely 0 as well as the cops. The other students thought it was funny and the day before I refused to return at least 30 students followed me pointing and laughing about how I was raped by another male student.
I lived in the ghetto and I guess it was funny for a young white boy in the hood to get raped by a black boy.
That was the culture back then at least, now it would be different maybe, albeit 16 years too late.
The depressing truth is that I was raped.
The beauty is I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor. I don't think about it much anymore and I don't let it hold me back.
I'm the hero of my own story and I'm successful.
I only wish that person would be held accountable. Last I heard he had raped 3 other people and was still not arrested.
That's so messed up that the culture back then was so bad the victim is ridiculed AND the rapist willingly publicly bragged about it. I wonder if any of your school colleagues by now still have that memory in mind but have come to realise how fucked up this incident was.
I only wish you the best in life and for him to one day get arrested.
That’s awful. So sorry this happened to you.