It happened to me lol. He thought the house was empty & wasn't looking for trouble, because when I yelled at him, he jumped back out the window he busted through. So the answer is "my angry voice" lol


Are you a teacher or principal by any chance?


Lol no, but I like your thought process


I'm extremely disappointed in you young man...


Do I have to call your mother? Does she know your here?




I believe my exact words were, "what the fuck, dude?!"




What are ya daein in ma swahmp?!


Damn, missed opportunity


Oh wow.


Most people breaking into houses are into crimes of convenience. They don't want to get caught and if they do they want as few charges as possible. Someone breaking into a house is most likely going to run away so they don't get caught. They're less likely to try adding violent crime charges to the docket unless they think it will ensure they can get away. Yelling at a robber is more likely to scare them off than jumping them with a weapon. The most likely exception is if they're are targeting you specifically. If the person breaking into your house is someone you know, you're in a lot more danger. Story time: I had a friend from Nigeria. One night someone knocked on his door and when he opened it they pulled a gun and demanded his phone and wallet. He laughed and told them no. They insisted a couple more time before giving up and leaving. They wanted a wallet, not a murder charge. My friend told me where he grew up people tried to rob his dad's store all the time. He learned from an early age that these actions were generally a bluff. I do NOT recommend doing what my friend does. Just because *most* robbers and thieves don't want to risk violent crime charges doesn't mean none of them will. Don't get shot trying to call a bluff.


Yeah, great times...


My phone, to call 911 for the bitch my dogs are mauling


My phone and my dog, because my dog is a weak ass pussy and she would like give her belly to the intruder or something


The way you said it. 😂😂😂. My dog is a husky so I doubt it he'll do anything too.


Probably just yell really loudly about it.


You mean other than throw a dramatic husky tantrum?


My first thought was whether I was truly alone or is my dog there. I always send the dog to investigate weird noises.


my axe!!!!


Just take a shower, no need to use body-spray


I definitely would not enjoy being sprayed by axe. Imagine taking a facefull of Axe XL or Old Spice Matterhorns. If someone sprays a little sample of that shit in the deodorant isle at the Target you will be choking on that in the men’s clothing isle 20k sq ft away for the next 5-10 minutes.


*screams in teenaged boy*


and my axe!


and my axe!


I never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an elf ....


just go ahead and make me cry on a thursday morning


Frying pan. I’ve always wanted to clang one of those in a person’s face.


You’ve wanted to Rapunzel someone?


"Frying pans! Who knew right?!"


Was going to comment this. So I'm not the only one?




I know someone who scared off a burglar simply by being butt naked so this sounds like a good backup plan.


I know someone who did that too, although I don't think it was an actual plan. He slept in the buff and simply reacted. I think it's the element of surprise that works in these cases. If you're not expecting a 6' tall naked hairy man to come running at you, I could imagine that it would throw off your game.


I sleep naked and I've woken up to a strange noise in the middle of the night. I always investigate naked, what would be scarier than breaking into a house and having the resident greet you completely naked and grinning?


And with a rock hard erection. Or is that just me?


It’s very hard to remain rock hard when properly scared. It’s amazing how fast it will retreat for safety back into the body


That’s why the burglar will be scared upon seeing a rock hard erect penis.


There is danger, but only for the burglar


Danger excites some of us.


I'm suddenly reminded of the naked grandma answer from Family Feud. https://youtu.be/jqDGK_UjfFI


Ha, reminds me of John Mulaney's "STREET SMARTS!" bit. Gotta "throw 'em off their rhythm"


That was always my brother’s plan. “If anyone wants to fight you, get naked. No one wants to fight a naked guy”.


Ancient Greeks: are we a joke to you?


In general most people are not interested in wrestling a naked human being.


That's never the backup plan, the baseball bet with a condom on it, that's the backup plan.


I have a friend who is a police officer. Every so often they get a mental case with a naked person who they have to apprehend. (Usually hopped up on drugs too). He says it's one of their least favorite types of calls to go on because no one wants to fight a naked man.


Don't forget the ball gag! It's not an oil party without the ball gag.


My ball gag. I'm a very, very lonely man and would appreciate the company.


" Yeah, spider just caught a couple of flies."


Alone-alone? My tungsten club. I'm 6'2", about 280 lbs and this thing is a hunk of metal weighing in at about 11 lbs. There's a machete inside but I'm not going to bother with that, I can't tell you how much damage I think this thing would do, someone could block two swings before they're out of working arms and my only real concern would be manslaughter charges. Realistically alone? A fucking mop, I have four monster dogs who won't put up with that shit for any amount of time and they're going to straight-up kill this guy.


Wow, im never breaking to your house.


Appreciate it.


I might. Do your puppies like steak? I love dogs.


Yes, and that's absolutely going to work on three of them, you'll be an instant friend. Fez will probably finish his steak before he has an honest go at you, he can't be bought that easily, and while I've absolutely lost a fight or two in under thirty seconds, that's also all the time you have to steal something and gtfo before Safety Dog gets his priorities in order.


Okay. I’m on my way.


How am I going to explain to my partner that a strange (presumably) woman from the internet is here to either rob us or suicide by Fez?


Don't worry. I'll break into your house too, so I can make sure that nothing bad happends when she breaks in.


Ok, first, don't break in, we don't lock our doors, nothing needs to be broken. Second, though, two internet strangers showing up uninvited probably already meets the definition of something bad happening. Third, my plan is to convince myself that you're both very attractive women of an appropriate age entranced by either the quality of my writing or, more probably, the fact that I physically likened myself to an outhouse and for whatever reason that's what does it for you. I'm flattered but also scared.


"Two swings before they're out of working arms" Yep, new favorite phrase wording. Yes.


Much obliged; I really don't think I'm exaggerating. It's hard to describe exactly how immediately aware of this thing's lethality you become when you hold it, I collect weapons because no one told me how to make good choices and I have all manner of swords, spears, axes and etc. Hell, I've got a beauty of a double-barreled 12-gauge too, and I'm still reaching for this basic club, 100% of the time, without a second thought. It's claymore heavy but nowhere near as awkward to wield, I'd say less than two feet long, and I have absolute confidence that you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a skull and hollowed-out eggshells if you're swinging it, it is positively beastly and assuming I don't toss it into a creek or volcano or some shit is going to last approximately as long as the pyramids, indestructible-ass tungsten and all.


Tungsten is a marvelous material. One curiosity about it is that the metal have an incredible capacity to transfer energy and makes the best strings for Cellos and rest of the string family of orchestras.


Had no idea, neat.


Honestly, familiarity with a weapon is one of the biggest factors in its helpfulness in a survival situation. I'm tiny, but I'm also an abuse survivor. So, to keep myself sane, I keep my little hatchet/multi-tool next to my door. A big hefty weapon would slow me down and get me killed, but a five pound hatchet is pretty sufficient for someone willing to go for face/neck/groin strikes. The blade and short handle deter grabbing. Ask me how I know. Lol.


I know exactly what you mean. I regularly work with a mini mattock on the job and it would probably be the “weapon” I’d choose if death was at stake and I couldn’t use a gun. Or as I’ve said to a coworker, “I hope nobody ever attacks me at work. But if they do, I hope I’m holding the mattock”. It’s like an extension of me.


I had a friend who carried a 2” steel ball-bearing wrapped in paracord with a little 10 “whip-handle to make a monkey ball. I bet it weighed 8oz. Where we used to work, tweakers ran rampant. When I held that thing for the first time, I knew that I would never-ever want to hit anybody with that weapon unless I was in grave danger. I’m not a large guy by all means but I’m sure I could kill someone in one hit, easily, no questions. Those things are crazy to hold and with such a short tether your attacker would have a very hard time gaining control of it before he’s completely fucked.


I’m a kindergarten teacher and I keep an extendable club in my desk. In active shooter training we were told to throw books and staplers at a shooter. I’m like- screw that! If someone enters my room to harm my students I will do my best to absolutely fuck them up! Before the *but what if a kid finds it* brigade begins, I will say that there’s no way a 6 year old could flick the baton with enough torque to extend it. I actually had to practice it. PS: Pay teachers more


Honest question, by "extendable club" I'm assuming you mean one of those ASP batons that many people who work in law enforcement or security carry. If so, aren't they illegal to carry in many states unless you are a law enforcement officer? Most school campuses also have a no tolerance policy on any kind of weapons on campus. Not judging by the way. If you really feel that bringing a baton to help in an active shooter situation is better than nothing and you'll do whatever it takes to protect your students, I actually agree with you. Just wondering about the logistics of how you would be able to own one legally and also bring it into school.


If that extendible club becomes illegal, I recommend a blackboard pointer with a weighted handle and a slight flare at the pointy tip Sorta like a short pool cue with a weighted handle and a sharper tip wicked short range weapon, ready all the time, tuck it under your arm look like a British officer


Muscle or fat


I have some of both. I live rural and have livestock, farm chores tend to keep a pretty healthy layer of muscle under everything else. If you're genuinely interested, I have never, ever had any sort of x-ray and not had someone comment on the scale of my bones. I'd genuinely have to cut off a leg to get below 200 lbs, my frame is designed for a lot of mass and without meaning to pat myself on the back here, not trying to be boastful, I'm going to be naturally quite physically strong regardless of whether or not I put any effort into it, just how I'm put together.


I had a friend in middle school who was farmer strong. He could put his arm up in a 90 degree bicep flex and people would hang off it. They may not look like a bodybuilders but farmers have been doing crossfit pretty much since they were born.


I'm trying to avoid being too boastful but yeah, farm-strong is a thing. I get asked to help people move about as much as someone with a pickup truck, I'll put it that way. Funny story, co-worker asked me to help them move once, nice lady about 22 years old, her first place, and I like to think I'm a decent sort so I agreed and showed up. It was down the street from my mom's place so after a bite, I wandered down and walked up on their lawn as they were trying to figure out what to do with the couch that they'd wedged into the front door that everyone gathered had concluded was properly stuck. I couldn't help it, this was my moment, so I bid them move aside, put a shoulder down and popped that thing the rest of the way into the living room like a handful of grandma's Wednesday pills. I felt pretty heroic for all about two seconds before I was alerted to the fact that some poor lady named Sky had been pulling on the other end. Damn near put her into the kitchen, she was unhurt but very confused by her brief arm-rest ride on a kind-of-flying couch. My bad.


Piggy backing off your start about farm-strong, it’s actually nuts how strong some farmers are, When I was a senior I met a guy who had been homeschooled until then, also he was 3 years younger than me, met him through sports teams, he could put up ALOT of weight in the weightroom, despite never having lifted like that before and being a freshmen, which is one thing, but what surprised me was how he was able to just lift other people and toss them around like it was nothing, to top it off dude had that stereotypical ripped farmer body, you’d have thought he was in my grade not an underclassmen


Yeah I remember a farm type at my school who was built like a bodybuilder when he was about 14. His shoulders were crazy; he was like a triangle. He never seemed to throw his weght round or bully anyone though, he was very chill.


mf prays to god to send home intruders


I don't have it yet, but I have had this real stupid idea for years to buy a whole bunch of mini safes that I'll put in (semi-obvious, to make it visible but not suspicious) easter egg style locations around the house, but instead of having anything remotely valuable in them I'm just going to put a bunch of really questionable weird shit in there just to freak them out the idea that a burglar walks into my home, finds one of the safes and opens it to find a jar of my children's baby teeth, finds another safe cracks it open and finds a collection of my husband's long nipple hairs is very, very funny to me If they don't leave running for their life thinking I'm some kind of insane serial killer who likes to collect nipple hairs, then I haven't done my job right


You need to put an obscenely long, double headed dildo in one.


Hmmm… I’ll buy an extra large safe just for that


With a foot at one end and a skull at the other


Get random family photos from thrift stores, scratch the eyes and nipples out and keep a few in the safe. Scour local newspapers til one has an article about a family disappearing. Cut out article. Actually you could wait for articles on murder and then paperclip random different hair clippings from the barber to each


Okay, this is genius.


Dolls head, shaved and the eyes torn out, in a freezer bag... maybe a few burns here and there. Wind chimes under where its stored. When you wake up; start slowly chanting "Ring a ring a rosies..."


Their dick and twist it!!


Bop it!


Pull it!


*sad slide whistle noise*


Pull it!


My dagger is next to my lamp. It's mostly there for opening letters and as a decoration but if someone breaks in then that's what I'll grab.




i’d probably roll over and go back to sleep. what happens happens.




Are any of us really “good” anymore?


No. No I am not.


My gun.


My *nearest* gun


Too true though. Either my shower gun, my coffee table gun, my bed gun or my computer gun.


And here I am with only three guns like a chump.


As long as one is a shower gun you are good.


I don't, that's the thing. I guess I could move my 9mm into the bathroom; I don't need two guns in the living room. Then again, that's my computer gun, and my 12 gauge is a bit unwieldy in the bathroom. Guess I'm buying another handgun.


My family has like, a little compartment INSIDE the shower, built into the wall with a sig p320 in it.


Oh shit, that's actually pretty cool. I don't think I'd do that, but I could see mounting a plexiglass box on the wall in mine with another handgun in it.


Gotta get those gun numbers up! Those are rookie numbers!


And I call myself an American...


Heh yeah. Can't let them find the stash.


Right? This question is only interesting for the unarmed. For the rest of us, the answer is boringly obvious.


I can’t believe that the Gun option is so far down the thread to be honest.


My answer, except it wouldn't have been so nicely put. "My fucking gun, obviously. No one breaks in looking for sugar."


No wonder my neighbors look at me all afraid.


You need sugar now?!?! At 2 in the morning?! Lay off the weed, Cindy! Maybe you won't want to make cookies at 2 AM!


Funny story: have a friend of mine whose next door neighbor would just occasionally wander into his house. Friendly but a bit strange.




Same here


Fuckin right


I feel like this question isn't aimed at gun owners, but yeah. Doesn't matter what caliber, doesn't even matter if you hit them, them knowing you're aware and armed should be more than enough.


Wouldn’t bet your life on intimidation being enough. They can blind fire out of fear and get lucky. Shoot till they’re no longer a threat.


My shotgun, though I have a pistol.


Agreed. The sound of a pump action shotgun being chambered is distinctive, and probably a deterrent in itself. If it isn't, well, it's a shotgun...




their genitals


#Grab his dick and twist it.


Give him the ol' dick twist!


Then throw it away.


My genitals


came to say this. as a former theif, if I broke into a house and caught the owner sweating bullets while goin full falcon pawnch on his dick - I'm fucking gone.


I'd chase you down the hall butt naked yelling "But you said you loved me!" Let the neighbors talk, I'm done getting broken in on when I'm wanking.


“Come here, I need something’ to nut on”


Best comment


Hockey stick. Ill probably die tho




You heard of swinging fights in hockey? Deadly


My cock. If you come running buck ass naked at the person with a raging hard-on, they’ll run for their lives.


It would be both easier and more visually distracting to run while not holding your cock.


Username checks out.


Or if they see my cock they feel sorry for me and wish me good luck in the future.


*lowers bat* "Ah, jeez, man. Look, you have a good night, alright? I'm so sorry to have broken in at this time. I'll just go ahead and leave this expensive jewelry right over here..."


"You clearly need it more than me"


A Stridsvagn 103 of course


Turn on metal music and grab a chainsaw and shotgun. I'll likely die, but I'll go down like Doomguy, damn it!


The gun next to my bed




I've had people tell me a shotgun is a bad choice, because it could damage my walls or my collarbone, as if those are the things I would be worried about if I truly thought my life was in danger. Advantages: * No permit needed in the US, since it's considered a hunting weapon. * Racking a shell is such a distinctive sound that anyone not high as a kite, dumb as a rock, or very, very determined will leave before you have to fire. * If it's dark and you're scared, and you didn't have time to find your glasses, should you need to fire, you're very likely to hit your attacker. You might not kill them, but if they chose you at random, you'll have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that you're not worth their trouble. Random acts of violence are crimes of opportunity. When someone persists, it's personal, and that's where the real danger lies. And for anyone who doesn't want a gun of any kind, a baseball bat in the corner of the room is a pretty good weapon, too. Whack them hard and run like hell. Tbh, most people in stable countries don't have risk factors that would suggest they will need to defend their life with violence. It's good to be prepared and have a plan though, just like it's good to have a plan for fire and natural disasters.


collarbone, lol. Everytime I fire mine it blows my arm clean off. Its a mess.


You're supposed to PULL the trigger, not push.


Depend which way your facing I guess


In the distance a shot would travel in a house, the pellets from a shotgun aren't going to pattern very much. You might get about a 12" diameter at most, if you're shooting across a large room or down a long hallway. Also, a shotgun can be a little clumsy to whip around quickly. They're long. But to be sure, catching a shotgun blast at close range is devastating.


Definitely shotgun, have 2 within reach of my bed. The nice thing about those compared to any of my pistols is the sound of racking in a shell. Then they'd have to walk up stairs which would be a shooting corridor.


The mrs, She is fucking dangerous


My Lego bin, then dump everything on the floor.


Hopefully they're bare foot.


Jeeze. Going full Saw...


Pistol first, then family, then phone to call 9-1-1 and let them know that I'm grabbing my AR15 to protect myself if needed. Also to tell them I'm a brown dude and a description of what I'm wearing and that responding Officers need to clearly announce themselves upon arrival. Then it's just a matter of waiting. I'm not gonna go hunting for the person unless they make themselves an immediate threat.


This right here is the best advice. Don't go larping trying to room clear your house. Arm yourself, take a defensible position and call the police. If someone still chooses to come after you in a defensible position, use whatever force is necessary. But going looking for them is an extraordinarily bad idea. On one hand, you're far more vulnerable. Trying to room clear than you are just posting up in a room. Also, you have insurance right? (Right?) Do you really want to kill someone to protect possessions?


Agreed. I live alone and sleep behind a locked door. My plan is to grab my pistol, call police, then use my security system app on the phone to activate my security cameras - when activated they make an audible "click" and a flashing blue light comes on. There's a chance that the sudden awareness that they are being recorded will be an incentive to leave. I don't plan to leave the bedroom until I need to let the police in, and the front door is 3 feet from my bedroom door. The common areas of my house are illuminated by four always-on LED nightlights, so there's really no dark place for an intruder to hide.


*still gets shot*


My cat and run to my car


Anything can be a weapon


Kill someone with a dildo






I will give him a cheeseburger as a piece offering:]


Myself... Danger gets me hot


Phone and kitchen knife


My replica Frostmourne. Would scare any burglar away


My knife, from experience


Go on...


Depends on the room im in. Livingroom has a hammer, bedroom has a few daggers placed stratigically around, kitchen has knives, partners bedroom has a shotgun, bathroom has rubbing alcohol to squirt in someone's eyes


What house are you living in bro.


Uh... my apartment? Lol. Whats the weird item to have around in that list?


def. the hammer in the living room


I keep one of my toolboxes in the livingroom by the front door so its easy to grab and go for outdoor projects.


What else are you going to use to hang up the pictures of your guns?


“Daggers placed strategically around” is my personal concern.


shotgun. Hope he turns around and walks out when he hears me rack a shell into the chamber.


My gun?




“Can’t choke me if I’m already doing it!”


The lock on my office door. I'm probably in there anyway so unlikely to be seen on entry. Most of my stuff is insured and even if it wasn't none of it is worth getting killed over.


12 gauge, 00 buck


Something sharp?


The exit


My night stand pew pew


My brand new Glock 9mm.


Ah 9mm. The only time you find Americans and the metric system intersecting.


7.62 and 5.56 would like a word. But pretty much. Only American-made shit in metric is firearms and drugs.


12 gauge.




The phone to dial 911.


Sorry erm the police is on break please wait on hold *classical music starts to play*


The window, or a door handle to leave out of. There is nothing in that house worth me getting stabbed or shot over.


Isn't this why we have guns?


All the pro 2A people have been waiting for this one..


My phone




probably my crotch because i would pee myself


The cat, the knives, or the window handle (depends where I am in the house)




Bat in the closet. Then eye up my clothes on the chair


My dick, then baby oil, and chase him around yelling out “ohhhh you sure do got a pretty mouth!”


Someone did that to my grandma he shot her point blank in the chest, killing her instantly. My suggestion is to hide, get your cell phone and call 911! Someone entered my house a couple of years ago - I was in the bathroom and heard them. I thought it was my husband - they didn’t answer so I carefully walked down the hallway and heard the door slam. My rings I had in my kitchen were gone. But I had my life and that was ok. Edit… I shouldn’t have even walked down the hallway. Many of these burgers are armed because they don’t want to be caught! In my grandmothers case the landlord chased the killer down the street but didn’t get a good look at him because he ran fast and it was too dark to see.