By - doratramblam
I got toilet paper.
I'm on my way!
From misery to happiness today
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
The zombies are rising?
Or on your way to hell?
"I've got the dog food down here"
Our dog's gonna have to work for it.
Tbf, dogs love bones.
And digging. I see nothing but wins for the dog here.
It worked for me.
Jesus Christ has entered the chat.
If you flush it down, it returns three days later
" See you Halloween night"
This is great
I laughed out loud when i read the OP question.
It was texted to my Mom, so not too ominous, till its on my gravestone.
Or “ I told you I was sick” (B. P. Robert’s 1979) - happens to be a favorite of mine
This is weird timing because exactly 2 years ago today, 26/10/2019, I had attempted suicide and requested this. The backstory was that I had been trying to get help for psychological problems since preschool, but was accused of faking it/attention-seeking as a kid and then couldn’t afford healthcare as an adult.
“Lol I’m not surprised”
Shit, you didn't see the crazy ahit i was pulling. No wonder i died
"Well, that was quick"
This is one of my favorites. Life is short.
Reminder to take your meds
"Oh shit I completely forgot it was today"
whoops that doesnt sound good lol
He's referring to his funeral
Well, you'll never forget it again.
Man, late to your own funeral.
and for a while he stood,
And pondered long for no real good,
For every time he thought it through,
The thought escaped him all anew.
He tried to think,
but thoughts came slow.
What was it that he didn't know?
What was it that he had to say?
"Oh *yeah*," he said.
"I die today."
"test came back negative. She told me to come back if I felt worse"
Narrator: He didn't.
You felt worse…
Edit: HOW THE HELL DID THIS GET 1,000 UPVOTES?
And didn't have time to come back apparently
The possums not my friend I just found him
Alas, the possum indeed was *not* their friend.
"why do I find this so funny!"
And thus /u/bdcooke died laughing.
Do we have plans Friday?
“…that is not a dog”
What was it???
Everyone loves a nice not dog
I prefer updog
Gotcha!!!…..Nothing… how are you…
The new password for my friend's email as I'm running the server. I hope he changes it to something more secure once it leaks via my tombstone.
If it's been deleted from a Cassandra DB it's already a tombstone
“Everyone needs help at some point”
Which means "I've arrived" in German. Sounds pretty epic now that I think about it.
Bin da, don dat.
In germany we dont use the doorbell
We send "bin da" over text
Now I'm imagining a german doorbell that goes 🎵BIINNN DAAAA🎵 when you press it.
I have friends here in the US that text "ding dong" when they've arrived, so kinda the same thing
“Bin da” is a Scottish person telling their father to take the bin out.
Too bad it wasn't "warte unten auf dich" "I'm waiting down below for you"
Boah ist das kalt hier.
Toilet has been clogged for several days now. Please have maintenance come ASAP
This makes it sound as if you drowned in shit
Aren't we all drowning in shit
I didn't come here to be called out like this
“As long as it lets us in”
Poetic. And creepy. And almost.. threatening.
"Babe can you fucking respond I need to know if you want the potato wedges or not"
Legend has it babe is still waiting on their potato wedges to this day
Narrator voice: she wanted the potato wedges.
When in doubt, get potato wedges.
Seriously. If it’s a mistake, take them home and have for breakfast with eggs and bacon tomorrow!
I can promise that the answer to that question is always yes.
“I’m giving it my some”
"I'm going to take a nap"
"I'm scared for next week"
why r u scared for next week?:)
It's going to be one hell of a week
What do you know?!? Speak!!!!
“Stop by whenever. I’m here all day.”
Honestly, that’s kind of perfect lol.
Damn, I want this on *my* tomb stone!
Just need the dying part
Everyday all year.
That’s honestly really wholesome.
Even better, it was a text to my dad to stop by and hang out on my day off.
I hope we're buried next to each other.
I'd have that engraved, I really like it
Wow I think I have the perfect text. I'm working down here in the basement of work and the lights just shut off on me. So I texted my coworker the following statement...
"It gets dark and creepy down here if I don't move for a while"
Winner, right here.
It's like Poe_for_your_sprog!
It'll be creepier if you start moving in there.
"R u fucking kidding me."
“Gone to do some chores. Will be back in a couple hours”
Most accidents happen in the household, so that’s pretty true…
Hahahahaha Fuck off loser
Down for nap!
"I mean it's not fine. But I'll live."
Obviously, I did not.
“he’s also very big”
Here lies /u/aultralt.
Beloved husband, father, brother and friend.
He's also very big.
"Yeah but it won't kill him"
Yeah...been a rough couple of days man
Hope you're doing okay
Mentally and emotionally, not really if I'm being honest. But its gotta get better at some point so I don't really have a choice but to keep on going right?
In the bathroom...
So the toy was too big???
"OP was brave enough"
Happy shopping! What the hell is milky milky?
Its a reference to a comedy sketch called Mr Strange, iirc, by Hugh Dennis. Punt and Dennis? I watched it as a kid and his catchphrase 'milky milky' has stuck with me and i usually say it in his gruff voice when referring to milk. Its quite disturbing to those who dont know
Don’t put it down, it will get lonely
The lamb is in the freezer
Little did they know, the lamb lay patiently in the freezer, not quite alive, yet not dead, to exact its revenge upon /u/mattiouu.
Definitely feels like they messed up
"I feel like I followed it well enough till the picnic table fight happened"
Do I want to know the context?
The picnic table fight occured in an episode of D&D (critical role) we had watched on twitch. I kept up with most of the episode before that, but during/after is a bit of a blur.
This is what I want on my tombstone.
They better inscribe the emoji too
“Check the pressure on your spare tire.”
Solid advice at the graveyard.
That is ominous.
"On this day 15 years ago, I cut my first umbilical cord! Happy Birthday!"
Happy birthday from my side too!
"Honey, it happened again!"
He shrunk the kids
sorry got distracted
Read this as "disconnected" at first, and thought it was in reference to a phone call. (Which would also have worked, I guess).
Can you bring some saran wrap ?
Edit: They were out of it at the grocery store
It was really, really good to play with people again. I never thought I'd actually miss the violin.
“It’s all going to be fine…”
Narrator: "it wasn't."
Saw Ken's sick shaggin' wagon yesterday morning
“Man I love the first Rage album.”
The baby is asleep.
That's a good one
"hanging up on me is extremely not okay"
That would be legit creepy on a tombstone.
And both your kidneys
Imagine the tombstone:
"Here lies chemistry_god.
And both your kidneys."
Lmao this isn't good mine was "okay I'll go to that rehab what do I need"
“It’s a no bones day”
Was it Uncle Jack?
"I forgot my headphones and I'm ready to die"
The jump happens at 10,000 feet and I’m sure the view would be incredible
"Come to Batman baby."
I have a Batman onesie Pajama, I sent my gf a pic of me wearing it with that written underneath.
I’m on a work call 😖
"Yo pass me the McRib motherfucker."
I thought those weren’t out yet
I work at a McDonald’s in the US and we got the McRib on the 21st
If China is a day ahead of us, why didn't they warn us that the McRib was coming back?
What the fuck guys?!
*”Could be worse…, hell, I could be in Canada!”*
Don’t ever show this to our geese.
As a Canadian, I feel like I need to apologize to you, eh
One cannot imagine a better way to die.
“Nvmd I got it”
“Alright controversial statement: I’m tired of news, movies, or tv where a dead body is buried in a shallow grave. Like bitch u stoopid? If I were to did a grave I would dig it like my innocence depended on it. I would dig until my back is broken. I would not give up until I needed a ladder to get out. I’m sick of the connotation to dig it a little then basically say “good enough 🤷♀️.” If I we’re to dispose of a body I might as well steal a excavator too and put it 30 feet under a construction site”
Kinda fitting I guess. I’ll just be buried 30 feet down instead of 6.
“Ya did good 😌”
“You want to do a haunted house after?”
Who knows when
this is fine 🙂
Okay. Got it.
I love you, love.
“I felt it was a necessary part of my character”
-discussing me adding cat ears to my bitmoji
Death: the ultimate character development
come here and blow me
I'm in on my own.
I have cake in the house and my mum thinks I should take it to work with me tomorrow, but I'm working on my own.
The crows are giving me the stink eye and quietly judging my hair...Please hurry!!!
👻SILLY GHOST WANTS HUGS
-sent to My boyfriend.
Chestnuts roasting on your butthole
Jack Frost nipping at your balls?
I’m now sending this to all of my contacts, just in case OP’s post is a premonition. o_0
"Did we have homework for English??"
The doctor said it’s just hemorrhoids.
"i love you so much"
My goodnight text to my husband downstairs while i nurse our two months old son
"I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes."
Buddies and I were referencing spaceballs
Talk to you later. <3
no worries 😊
It’s over. I’m finally free.