T O P
wein14756

I got toilet paper.


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KittikatB

I'm on my way!


baitman69

From misery to happiness today


Tendo_Mclean

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh


WatchingCr33py

The zombies are rising? Or on your way to hell?


baconpoutine89

"I've got the dog food down here" Our dog's gonna have to work for it.


Bitey_the_Squirrel

Tbf, dogs love bones.


schuma73

And digging. I see nothing but wins for the dog here.


StupidOldAndFat

It worked for me.


yesmilady

Ominous


MsOpinionatedDonut

Brb


BraindeadBanana

Jesus Christ has entered the chat.


yepitsdad

Holy shit


insertstalem3me

If you flush it down, it returns three days later


Otherwise_Bill_5898

" See you Halloween night"


harryp0tter569

This is great


Otherwise_Bill_5898

I laughed out loud when i read the OP question. It was texted to my Mom, so not too ominous, till its on my gravestone.


SilentCitadel

uh oh


TheeBabaYaga93

"I'm dying" Context: (Of laughter)


Jaxlee2018

Or “ I told you I was sick” (B. P. Robert’s 1979) - happens to be a favorite of mine


Savitribaii

This is weird timing because exactly 2 years ago today, 26/10/2019, I had attempted suicide and requested this. The backstory was that I had been trying to get help for psychological problems since preschool, but was accused of faking it/attention-seeking as a kid and then couldn’t afford healthcare as an adult.


WHYT_Panda

“Lol I’m not surprised”


Nub_plyz_twitch

Shit, you didn't see the crazy ahit i was pulling. No wonder i died


girluninterupted

"Well, that was quick"


jamsau38

This is one of my favorites. Life is short.


hdog2012

Reminder to take your meds


golumlars

Helpful


Hghwytohell

"Oh shit I completely forgot it was today"


neonglowputty

whoops that doesnt sound good lol


iliution27

He's referring to his funeral


neonglowputty

hahahah!


dick-nipples

Well, you'll never forget it again.


RabbitStewAndStout

Man, late to your own funeral.


Poem_for_your_sprog

He woke, and for a while he stood, And pondered long for no real good, For every time he thought it through, The thought escaped him all anew. He tried to think, but thoughts came slow. What was it that he didn't know? What was it that he had to say? "Oh *yeah*," he said. "I die today."


Franz55

"test came back negative. She told me to come back if I felt worse"


OfficeChairHero

Narrator: He didn't.


Alex293473

You felt worse… Edit: HOW THE HELL DID THIS GET 1,000 UPVOTES?


MMXXfan

And didn't have time to come back apparently


hellohellonice34

The possums not my friend I just found him


BeefGriller

Alas, the possum indeed was *not* their friend.


bdcooke

"why do I find this so funny!"


BeefGriller

And thus /u/bdcooke died laughing.


Electrical_Pea_915

Do we have plans Friday?


MechaDesu

You don't


leann-the-clown

“…that is not a dog”


2_wolves_chilling

What was it???


jonasdash

not dog


leefvc

Everyone loves a nice not dog


MagicalDirtyHobo

I prefer updog


No_Aside_6730

What’s Updog?


PeterQuillsWalkman

Gotcha!!!…..Nothing… how are you…


Kaivosukeltaja

The new password for my friend's email as I'm running the server. I hope he changes it to something more secure once it leaks via my tombstone.


Useful_moccasins

If it's been deleted from a Cassandra DB it's already a tombstone


SlyKitten50

“Everyone needs help at some point”


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sua_chua

"Bin da". Which means "I've arrived" in German. Sounds pretty epic now that I think about it.


BeefGriller

Bin da, don dat.


DieIsaac

In germany we dont use the doorbell We send "bin da" over text


BobTehCat

Now I'm imagining a german doorbell that goes 🎵BIINNN DAAAA🎵 when you press it.


darkthemeonly

I have friends here in the US that text "ding dong" when they've arrived, so kinda the same thing


thepurplehedgehog

“Bin da” is a Scottish person telling their father to take the bin out.


x3Nekox3

Too bad it wasn't "warte unten auf dich" "I'm waiting down below for you"


TESLAkiwi

Boah ist das kalt hier.


Minnesotamad12

Toilet has been clogged for several days now. Please have maintenance come ASAP


somerandomafricanguy

This makes it sound as if you drowned in shit


receptiveblocks

Aren't we all drowning in shit


DisposableTires

I didn't come here to be called out like this


Barbara_Celarent

“As long as it lets us in”


Salt_Air07

Poetic. And creepy. And almost.. threatening.


ilovecookie5432

"Babe can you fucking respond I need to know if you want the potato wedges or not"


_JustGoWithIt

Legend has it babe is still waiting on their potato wedges to this day


thereisnoaudience

Narrator voice: she wanted the potato wedges.


CaptBranBran

When in doubt, get potato wedges.


PM_meyourGradyWhite

Seriously. If it’s a mistake, take them home and have for breakfast with eggs and bacon tomorrow!


Zkenny13

I can promise that the answer to that question is always yes.


mediumghetto

“I’m giving it my some”


riotnrevolt

"I'm going to take a nap"


roadcrossingchicken1

"It's time"


Unique-Wolf-1151

"I'm scared for next week"


lost_last_account_

why r u scared for next week?:)


VennTheSW

It's going to be one hell of a week


OkAdministration9151

What do you know?!? Speak!!!!


toxinogen

“Stop by whenever. I’m here all day.” Honestly, that’s kind of perfect lol.


FairyContractor

Damn, I want this on *my* tomb stone!


Raser43

Just need the dying part


mohd2126

Everyday all year.


Refusing_to_age

That’s honestly really wholesome.


toxinogen

Even better, it was a text to my dad to stop by and hang out on my day off.


CanadaJack

"Ok thanks." I hope we're buried next to each other.


jangoice

I'd have that engraved, I really like it


MrShow77

Wow I think I have the perfect text. I'm working down here in the basement of work and the lights just shut off on me. So I texted my coworker the following statement... "It gets dark and creepy down here if I don't move for a while"


74NG3N7

Winner, right here.


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DanaMorrigan

It's like Poe_for_your_sprog!


lt_kernel_panic

It'll be creepier if you start moving in there.


nikkiradtoo5

"R u fucking kidding me." LMAO


Eliasibnz

“Gone to do some chores. Will be back in a couple hours”


DarkGermanNoodle

Most accidents happen in the household, so that’s pretty true…


WingBarbaque

Hahahahaha Fuck off loser


chaoscoordinator4

Down for nap!


SouldiesButGoodies84

Doctors suck.


mcnchzplz

"I mean it's not fine. But I'll live." Obviously, I did not.


Trailerparkgenius196

K


deercan

ouch


aultralt

“he’s also very big”


livesinacabin

Here lies /u/aultralt. Beloved husband, father, brother and friend. He's also very big.


fairypants

"Yeah but it won't kill him"


LordFishingtonThe3rd

Yeah...been a rough couple of days man


Captain_Hope

Hope you're doing okay


LordFishingtonThe3rd

Mentally and emotionally, not really if I'm being honest. But its gotta get better at some point so I don't really have a choice but to keep on going right?


zrdd_man

In the bathroom...


treesfen

So the toy was too big???


doratramblam

Apparently


johnnybiggles

"OP was brave enough"


rublehousen

Pies Poobags Sandwich bags Milky milky


Keri2816

Happy shopping! What the hell is milky milky?


rublehousen

Its a reference to a comedy sketch called Mr Strange, iirc, by Hugh Dennis. Punt and Dennis? I watched it as a kid and his catchphrase 'milky milky' has stuck with me and i usually say it in his gruff voice when referring to milk. Its quite disturbing to those who dont know


everton1an

Don’t put it down, it will get lonely


mattiouu

The lamb is in the freezer


BeefGriller

Little did they know, the lamb lay patiently in the freezer, not quite alive, yet not dead, to exact its revenge upon /u/mattiouu.


bjrowlett2

Definitely feels like they messed up


emeralddawns

"I feel like I followed it well enough till the picnic table fight happened"


reddest_of_trash

Do I want to know the context?


emeralddawns

The picnic table fight occured in an episode of D&D (critical role) we had watched on twitch. I kept up with most of the episode before that, but during/after is a bit of a blur.


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nadjaannabel

This is what I want on my tombstone.


atmosphericentry

They better inscribe the emoji too


jmarie546

Literally


jaxberlin

“Check the pressure on your spare tire.”


i_fuckin_luv_it_mate

Solid advice at the graveyard.


bexdporlap

That is ominous.


life_sentencer

"On this day 15 years ago, I cut my first umbilical cord! Happy Birthday!"


tintinwhiskey

Happy birthday from my side too!


AlienSporez

"Honey, it happened again!"


Illustrious-Big-8678

What did?


PrincessDie123

He shrunk the kids


footbody

sorry got distracted


reddest_of_trash

Read this as "disconnected" at first, and thought it was in reference to a phone call. (Which would also have worked, I guess).


Much_Committee_9355

Can you bring some saran wrap ? Edit: They were out of it at the grocery store


mwangangi1

See yah


finallymeetingmyself

It was really, really good to play with people again. I never thought I'd actually miss the violin.


Deep_concept

“It’s all going to be fine…”


i_fuckin_luv_it_mate

Narrator: "it wasn't."


Serath62

Saw Ken's sick shaggin' wagon yesterday morning


Forbidden_Donut503

“Man I love the first Rage album.”


reccaboo222

The baby is asleep.


bsidewinsagain

That's a good one


youhaveonehour

"hanging up on me is extremely not okay" That would be legit creepy on a tombstone.


chemistry_god

And both your kidneys


sua_chua

Imagine the tombstone: "Here lies chemistry_god. And both your kidneys."


arcspace

Lmao this isn't good mine was "okay I'll go to that rehab what do I need"


jollycrane

“It’s a no bones day”


advancedgamer14

Was it Uncle Jack?


Pectacular

!


ro_hu

"I forgot my headphones and I'm ready to die"


JayRoyaltee

The jump happens at 10,000 feet and I’m sure the view would be incredible


LosJoye

"Come to Batman baby." I have a Batman onesie Pajama, I sent my gf a pic of me wearing it with that written underneath.


TonyPonder

I’m on a work call 😖


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The-Purple-Guy1987

"Yo pass me the McRib motherfucker."


taiwanna

I thought those weren’t out yet


sorry_not_creative_

I work at a McDonald’s in the US and we got the McRib on the 21st


The-Purple-Guy1987

If China is a day ahead of us, why didn't they warn us that the McRib was coming back? What the fuck guys?!


m_Mimikk

*”Could be worse…, hell, I could be in Canada!”*


cae8642

Don’t ever show this to our geese.


lylesback2

As a Canadian, I feel like I need to apologize to you, eh


[deleted]

boobies


BeefGriller

One cannot imagine a better way to die.


Additional_Bar_2013

“Nvmd I got it”


Vidonicle

"Nice"


Bionikleek

“Alright controversial statement: I’m tired of news, movies, or tv where a dead body is buried in a shallow grave. Like bitch u stoopid? If I were to did a grave I would dig it like my innocence depended on it. I would dig until my back is broken. I would not give up until I needed a ladder to get out. I’m sick of the connotation to dig it a little then basically say “good enough 🤷‍♀️.” If I we’re to dispose of a body I might as well steal a excavator too and put it 30 feet under a construction site” Kinda fitting I guess. I’ll just be buried 30 feet down instead of 6.


ser-hiss

“Ya did good 😌”


whosthatgirl

“You want to do a haunted house after?”


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QwertytheCoolOne

Who knows when


DamonFun

this is fine 🙂


creator_lair

Okay. Got it.


reformedNess

I love you, love.


chonksboyjimmyfungus

“I felt it was a necessary part of my character” -discussing me adding cat ears to my bitmoji


PrincessDie123

Death: the ultimate character development


mbearthewelowf

come here and blow me


irishgollum

I'm in on my own. I have cake in the house and my mum thinks I should take it to work with me tomorrow, but I'm working on my own.


Vulpes-of-the-Valley

The crows are giving me the stink eye and quietly judging my hair...Please hurry!!!


RocketDodo

👻SILLY GHOST WANTS HUGS -sent to My boyfriend.


daddyssgirl007

Chestnuts roasting on your butthole


reddest_of_trash

Jack Frost nipping at your balls?


upbeatish

I’m now sending this to all of my contacts, just in case OP’s post is a premonition. o_0


icaruscloud

BRB


Reeeeeens

"Did we have homework for English??"


HorlickMinton

The doctor said it’s just hemorrhoids. *sigh*


Always_Wandering117

"i love you so much" My goodnight text to my husband downstairs while i nurse our two months old son


Emracruel

"I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes." Buddies and I were referencing spaceballs


A_C0mm0ner

Talk to you later. <3


cubesj8

no worries 😊


Beanieson

You up?


ImpulseCombustion

It’s over. I’m finally free.