The possibility of testicular torsion has gotta be up there
Had one, got surgery to untwist it. Had both balls sewn to sack. The intensely painful recovery week makes you really understand just how much they move around. Even on painkillers, I dreaded each slow walk to the bathroom, calculating the next best move that would result in the least amount of painful ball shuffling.
Lucky I got to keep them though!
fuck reading this
That hurt to read, had to upvote because… ouch
I thought I had it bad only having one sewed to my sack after the surgery. It's been two years and it still doesn't feel right, but holy hell I'll take it over the pain of the torsion itself any day.
Testicular torsion is the answer to this thread, everyone else can go home.
Ever since I learned testicular torsion exists I’ve had a moment of panic every time there is any pain in the testicles that doesn’t go away immediately
>The possibility of testicular torsion has gotta be up there
Yup. Happened to me about a month ago. Sad thing is that ultrasound and the OR were completely understaffed due to covid and demand being elsewhere so I lost left guy.. most painful embarrassing moment of my life.
That sucks man. You have to catch it so fast. I'm sorry.
The only reason this doesn’t have more upvotes is because most guys don’t know about this terrifying condition.
i had it twice in my life, the pain, the misery. both times i moved my finger up the scrotal seam to move my testicle, to get it to untwist itself.
it was bad, but not as bad as gallstones actually.
My balls hurt reading this
Could you please tell me how to avoid this and then literally nothing else
I had mine the second time after literally 1) sitting at the computer and 2) making the grave mistake of standing up.
I stood up to get off the train. Boom twisted. Luckily mine was the epididymis. It still hurt but not the blinding pain of the testicle itself. Ended up at the ER after work since it took a while to start feeling painful.
Just gonna never move again.
Sometimes when having a poop, you automatically pee and it goes through the little gap between the toilet seat and bowl wetting your underwear and bringing great shame. Then there is also the penis head touching toilet bowl moment, if this happens in a public toilet, the moment can induce suicidal tendencies.
Edit: Well I knew some people would relate to this but not quite this many! Thanks for the awards you filthy animals.
“You’ve never had your penis touch the inside of the toilet seat, have you!?”
That was the question I asked my wife when I was trying to convince her we needed oblong toilets and not round when we were purchasing new toilets for our house. We got oblong toilets.
Omfg my roomie friend is a girl with a small toilet and since moving in, i have to hold my dick down to not have it touch the front. Who designes these things?
Just shit standing up lol
Simply shit your pants
"My penis, the one that I put inside of you, will touch the inside of the toilet seat."
It will either get you what you want or backfire terribly and you will now be celibate.
*cries in empathy*
Finally! Now i know i'm not alone after all. Even worse when it not just wets your underwear but also runs down the outside of the bowl so your 1 minute pee turns into a 10min cleanup
I hate when it goes through the gap in the toilet. Pisses me off so much, especially when I’m wearing light grey sweatpants and now I got a big piss mark on my butt
This made me think of that tweet (?) some girl posted where she was like “wtf do men do with their dick when they poop, do they just let it dangle in the toilet water” and everyone was like umm how long do you think the average penis is.
Edit: okay I can’t find it but I know it happened! The internet collectively lost it
Morning boners when you have to pee
Mine gradually deflates as I pee and it’s the most unusually satisfying thing ever
Bro, you're now an x-man and your codename is Peenis. This decision cannot be reversed.
Yours does not do that? Thought that was common, mine does as well.
Mine accuses me of beating him.
What a dick
Heard he’s friends with an asshole. No wonder they get along.
I heard his friend talking shit behind his back.
They're the most temperamental things.
Hard when you don't want it to be. Soft when you want it to be hard. Sometimes a light breeze make it go off, sometimes it's like trying to start a fire with 2 wet sticks.
That's the most annoying thing. They just don't always cooperate.
I can relate, dicks are spiteful cunts.
Cunts are cunts, dicks are dicks
My point stands uncontested for the rest of eternity
Edit: idiots here not realising that cunts behave like cunts and dicks behave like dicks, stop commenting about ideology
Oh yeah, this is definitely the worst problem.
Being hard when you don't want to be not so much, you can hide it... but god daaaaamn when you DO want it to be hard and it just decides to take a nap. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it's really embarrassing.
Happened to me this weekend. Was trying to get busy with the wife Friday night and it's just like "I sleep"
But then Saturday afternoon it was like "Real shit!" and it was all good.
This is common. Testosterone levels are lower at night, higher in the morning and afternoon.
I'm so god damn frisky in the morning, whereas my SO is frisky at night. It can be frustrating.
It’s not detachable
Do you really want to find your penis on a blanket and some guy is selling it for $23 but you have to haggle him down to $17 every time you misplace it?
I'm so glad you made this reference. When I saw the comment you responded to, that's what I thought of instantly.
Lol what's this from
At least you have a King Missile
🎶 detachable penis 🎵
Sure it is. Reattachment can be tricky though.
When you finish peeing and the tip is still wet so you give it a gentle flick but some drops still remain so you dab it with a single toilet paper but, instead of the paper soaking up the moisture, scraps of paper stick to your dick. Like when you peel off a price tag but it doesn’t come off clean.
Then you keep tryna pick it off but keep missing and end up scraping the fuck out of your dick
Get a wet piece of TP and wipe it right off
And your dick is wet again.
Back to square one
At least then it's wet with water and not piss
He didn't say *how* he wets the TP
Someone has probably invented post-pee-pads – like a tiny absorbent bandage you can stick over the end when you're done, but doesn't stick so securely that that it's painful to remove.
I'm not going to Google it.
This one's deep bro😭
If only it could
There is not enough PP for this move
This actually gave me flashbacks
Edit: after getting upvoted, I must say that the flashback wasn’t in any way to Pokémon xD
u/also-specs used struggle.
Wow. Good fucking morning..
Leaning against the wall at 45° to piss with a random boner.
Back when I drank, I loved doing the head lean on the wall when I pissed while plastered.
Oh my god. The head lean. I thought I was the only one
I almost died from laughing at this...
But I'm already dead YOHOHOHOHOH
I can never escape brooks dad jokes.
Well this is quite unexpected.
Wow didn't expect this reference here.
Do you poop?
That almost made me cry with laughter...Although I have no eyes. Yohohoho~ Skull Joke!
Constantly knocking things over like lamps and windmills.
Street lamps I presume
No, lighthouses on the other side of the Atlantic
It's like involuntarily playing golf and knocking the moon out of orbit.
This made me giggle uncontrollably.
bad aim to the toilet seat every once in a while, so to speak.
Or the dreaded split stream
LPT: when you pee after sex, sit down, bc half the time there's some jizzum in your urethra which ups the chance of a split stream coming out
You don't wanna piss all over the bathroom by accident.
I prefer to have it on purpose if I am to pee all over my bathroom.
Sometimes you have a good reason, I don't know your life, if it's on purpose then your purpose has been fulfilled and that's a success in my book!
Having the sudden urge to adjust it every 5 MINUTES, especially with jeans, it gets soooo uncomfortable
I hate it when the seam rides up and essentially creates what feels like the same motion as two lumberjacks using a bandsaw on the underside of your balls, so you flick your leg or do “the gentleman’s step” to undo the damage, but 2 minutes later it’s back.
Edit - Who would’ve thought my most upvoted and interacted post would be me talking about my balls being sawn in half by my own clothing. Bless the internet!
Edit2 - For those asking about the Gentleman's Step: https://i.redd.it/y8hr3e6fc6ez.jpg
I have alway thought skirts make more sense for male genitalia and pants make more sense for female genitalia
EDIT: I am a cis woman so you don’t have to keep replying about how I secretly wish to let my balls wave in the wind or how I am actually wrong about skirts or pants lol. I wear both on a regular basis and obviously our opinions might differ.
Traditional Scottish kilts are the way forward.
Whenever there's a breeze in Scotland, you either lust or turn away.
actually, traditional scottish kilts had small weights in the bottom of the kilt to prevent this, the only problem was if it were too loose...
edit 2: WOW 688 likes rip my inbox, so many notifs lol
Kilts are pretty heavy by default. Wind doesn't do much to them, especially if you have a kilt pin.
It's more the idea of the wind coming up inside the kilt. Though honestly some times it's quite refreshing!
Saxx boxers my friend. Like having it cradled in the palm of an angel.
The worst part of having a penis is that you have to share a brain with it.
And sometimes it doesn’t wanna share
So many bad decisions that I refuse to take full responsibility for.
As a wise man once said, "masturbate before every major decision. Those post nut clarity comes in handy".
usually comes after a handy for me.
Sharing blood, but only having enough blood to power one head.
So true. It's like having a small siamese twin attached to you that just wants to have sex all the time.
Unless post nut...
Having that tiny drop of pee after you spent a minute trying to avoid it happening
No matter how much you wiggle and dance. The last drop will always go down your pants.
It is one of Newton's laws of motion
I thought it was part of Murphy’s Law
Don't quote me on this, but I heard they wrote this one together
You need to push the area between your anus and your testicles that last drop will squirt out.
Squooch the Gooch, as I always say
It taint as easy as it sounds
I always heard this version growing up.
You can slap it, you can smack it, you can bang it on the wall, but in your drawers the last drop will fall.
Why are there so many of these. I even know if a german one
Its hard sometimes
Randomly. Even when not horny.
why is it always in math class tho
from rectangle to **erect**angle
don't be obtuse
Math is hard and so are you.
And sometimes it's not, when you really want it to be! #WhiskeyDick
Having a small one
Here in LA we had a peaceful march this weekend that was for, and i quote, “End Small Dong Shame”
(Idk how to link stuff, but if you go into the Los Angeles Subreddit, you’ll see a few posts about it with pictures and videos)
I support this
If it needs support, it's probably big enough to not be considered a "small dong".
Chad and JT represent!
Getting hard at inconvenient moments like giving a presentation in front of the class and remembering how fat your teachers ass is
Gym class. Sweat pants. The horror. The one type of pants that you're allowed to wear for gym class and it's tailor-made for maximum tenting.
and I used to wear boxers back then too. That shit allows your dick to slip out through the openings and just missiles through the shorts. Had to run with hands in my pocket the whole time..
Maximum tenting lmao.
God damn thick teachers
There's a lot of drawbacks to being a woman but at least I can be as excited as I want about someone without ever being suspected.
Also, grinding your clit on your jeans seam is an amazing way to get an orgasm without anyone suspecting it either.
Fuck you and your hidden orgasm. Why do I need to have an entire workout?
It's arm training bro if you don't have the arms of a silverback after you're doing it wrong
Waaaat you can do that? Whoever you are, orgasms are still pretty hard to hide though
Nope, you just need some self control. Also you don't have to do it while you're surrounded by people intently looking at you, being at the bar or at a concert or on a long, boring train ride will do!
When you’re wondering if the dude your fighting is actually going to grab your dick and twist it.
The oooool' dicktwist!
Dude, this is an MMA fight.
TWIST HIS DICK
GRAB HIS DICK AND TWIST IT
My issue is I don't know when to grab the dick of the guy I'm fighting
Do it immediately to assert dominance.
The constant cultural and individual need to assure ourselves that they're "good enough".
Pro tip. If your partner is enjoying themselves. It's good enough.
And if you can't do the deed for whatever reason. YOU'RE still valid, and valued.
Head up Kings.
"Wow, what an amazing penis." "Wow, what a shitty, ugly penis." "Hmm, normal penis I'd say." "Eww, your penis smells like your balls." "Wow, I wish every penis smelled as great as your penis." Like look it's the same penis alright quit fucking bothering me about it.
Man I also hate cock inspection day
Depends on the day I guess
Every day is cock inspection day
This guy fucks
Yeah I married the first woman to compliment my penis like any rational man.
Circumstantially, whenever you feel any pain on it. I got my penis caught in a zipper exactly once, and I can tell you that death was by far more preferable.
Day to day, idk, probably when every now and again you go to pee, and it shoots in 2 different directions at full blast for no reason. Super annoying, and I did nothing to deserve it.
Circumstantially is the perfect word to lead this point.
Sometimes, cum dries in the tip of your dick. So you go to the bathroom like normal, only the blockage has the same effect as holding your thumb over a hose, so your stream is split into two and— despite being properly aimed— the larger stream is hitting the wall and the lesser stream is hitting your foot, and you adjust your aim to stop hitting the wall. That’s the point where the blockage clears, but you’re pointed in the wrong direction and also manage to spray the bottom of the lid before you realize your mistake. If you get jumpy during the incident, you bobble your junk around and make an even bigger mess.
This description was written so well that I feel like i experienced this and I’m a woman
As a man I can tell you, that it is extremely accurate too.
My wife had trouble believing this was a thing until she witnessed it. I'm pretty good about cleaning up when things go... sideways, but I would occasionally miss a spot and it was a point of contention until then.
It's unpredictable as all hell.
Sitting on a ball accidentally
You must have some really long balls
Give it another 20 years.
One man's ball jokes, another's future.
It's like having a compass that only ever leads me to trouble.
EDIT: You know folks, there’s something to be said that one of my most upvoted posts is centered around my dick. And that something is ‘Appropriate’.
Thank you kindly for the awards, the comments and all the humor. I hope y’all have a great day!
Seriously though, Wish it would point to treasure instead. Life is hard enough without a trouble magnet. .
Hard enough, eh?
well, it does point towards booty.
The fear that it may in some way get ripped off or cut off
(dick guillotine fear)
The urge to slap things with it.
I don’t have a penis but this seems like the opposite of a problem
And that's why i am here today mr judge
Oof, wanted to give you a free award, but reddit gave me the wholesome one, ain't really that wholesome. But you deserve it
Going through puberty in sweatpants
Can't run naked. My dick always flops around
Jeans for sure. Those skinny jeans are like medieval torture devices.
I’d have to say, the dementors
When you sit on the toilet and the tip touches the water
I work on toilets for a living. You either need to adjust the water level, plunge your toilet or send me a picture of your cock
Op: It will take 2 years to upload the complete photo, hold on.
Do you know how hard it is to take a panoramic picture of a dick!?!?
Cock pic incoming i guess 🙄
I, too, work on toilets so will be needing this pic.
Or worse, the porcelain.
Even though I know it’s completely irrational, every time this happens I feel like my dick will just rot off in a few minutes.
Especially if it’s a public toilet. I start planning how my life will be with a fungi cock for a split second.
How- how is your tip touching the water? Mine will hit the front of the bowl inside but not the water.
Fuckin' long John Dicker over here
American toilet perhaps. From what i remember half the bowl is filled with water
Sitting on round - not elongated - toilets. It's disgusting when it touches the inside of the bowl. Especially when it's a public toilet.
Morning wood. Otherwise I don't mind. It sure beats being female and dealing with monthly periods.
You WILL miss that wood one day you young whipper snapper. Sigh
uh happy cake day
In 2015, I had back surgery that left me unable to walk, twist, or bend for 3 weeks. So I was sent to a nursing and physical rehab facility for wound care and inpatient rehab. At 32, I was the youngest patient. The staff was NOT used to caring for a sexually healthy male in the mornings. They’d come in and immediately start to the sponge bath within a minute or two of waking me up, before I even had my bearings. They had a surprise day 3. 😂
Lucky. I'm 30 and had spine surgery in March, they sent my ass home after 2 days, no pt. No sponge baths. Granted it was probably the least serious type of spine surgery but still... I'd love me a sponge bath lolol
Fun fact about morning wood. Because the sun rises gradually and contentiously around the earth there has been a boner "wave" circulating the glove since the dawn of man kind.
Dun dun duuuun dun dun *HEY* dun dun dun
If. The tip. Gets wet it makes typing on my. Phone harder and I keep getting random false stops
Ah yes the return of the why boner. And every other boner that happens when it's nonsexual.
Bonus round: trying to sit and not landing on your balls. This is why we can't sit with our legs closed
When you need to pee, but you’re also horny, so you cum and then pee after, but then for a good half hour it feels like you still have to pee even though you’ve peed everything you can. Fucking hate that shit man.
Getting it caught in the zipper
Don't you wear underpants?
Zip up underpants
How the hell did you get the beans above the frank?!