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Magic-Gelpen

The possibility of testicular torsion has gotta be up there


CappyWomack

Had one, got surgery to untwist it. Had both balls sewn to sack. The intensely painful recovery week makes you really understand just how much they move around. Even on painkillers, I dreaded each slow walk to the bathroom, calculating the next best move that would result in the least amount of painful ball shuffling. Lucky I got to keep them though!


elitesill

fuck reading this


_keyboardDredger

That hurt to read, had to upvote because… ouch


SonSkoji

I thought I had it bad only having one sewed to my sack after the surgery. It's been two years and it still doesn't feel right, but holy hell I'll take it over the pain of the torsion itself any day. Testicular torsion is the answer to this thread, everyone else can go home.


ATR2400

Ever since I learned testicular torsion exists I’ve had a moment of panic every time there is any pain in the testicles that doesn’t go away immediately


conglock

>The possibility of testicular torsion has gotta be up there Yup. Happened to me about a month ago. Sad thing is that ultrasound and the OR were completely understaffed due to covid and demand being elsewhere so I lost left guy.. most painful embarrassing moment of my life.


Magic-Gelpen

That sucks man. You have to catch it so fast. I'm sorry.


KingKongAintGotShitt

The only reason this doesn’t have more upvotes is because most guys don’t know about this terrifying condition.


Cazadore

i had it twice in my life, the pain, the misery. both times i moved my finger up the scrotal seam to move my testicle, to get it to untwist itself. it was bad, but not as bad as gallstones actually.


the_elite_ninja

My balls hurt reading this


bAckwArdsbrAin__

Could you please tell me how to avoid this and then literally nothing else


jugalator

I had mine the second time after literally 1) sitting at the computer and 2) making the grave mistake of standing up.


gnimsh

I stood up to get off the train. Boom twisted. Luckily mine was the epididymis. It still hurt but not the blinding pain of the testicle itself. Ended up at the ER after work since it took a while to start feeling painful.


RenaKunisaki

Just gonna never move again.


Something-Sinister

Sometimes when having a poop, you automatically pee and it goes through the little gap between the toilet seat and bowl wetting your underwear and bringing great shame. Then there is also the penis head touching toilet bowl moment, if this happens in a public toilet, the moment can induce suicidal tendencies. Edit: Well I knew some people would relate to this but not quite this many! Thanks for the awards you filthy animals.


chrisdalebrown

“You’ve never had your penis touch the inside of the toilet seat, have you!?” That was the question I asked my wife when I was trying to convince her we needed oblong toilets and not round when we were purchasing new toilets for our house. We got oblong toilets.


DepressedVenom

Omfg my roomie friend is a girl with a small toilet and since moving in, i have to hold my dick down to not have it touch the front. Who designes these things?


Darrelc

Just shit standing up lol


Jagob5

Simply shit your pants


surfnsound

"My penis, the one that I put inside of you, will touch the inside of the toilet seat." It will either get you what you want or backfire terribly and you will now be celibate.


MonsiuerGeneral

*cries in empathy*


Uzmeyer

Finally! Now i know i'm not alone after all. Even worse when it not just wets your underwear but also runs down the outside of the bowl so your 1 minute pee turns into a 10min cleanup


AghastTheEmperor

I hate when it goes through the gap in the toilet. Pisses me off so much, especially when I’m wearing light grey sweatpants and now I got a big piss mark on my butt


Jane-Sadwoman

This made me think of that tweet (?) some girl posted where she was like “wtf do men do with their dick when they poop, do they just let it dangle in the toilet water” and everyone was like umm how long do you think the average penis is. Edit: okay I can’t find it but I know it happened! The internet collectively lost it


dannobomb951

Morning boners when you have to pee


Blackgoku05

Mine gradually deflates as I pee and it’s the most unusually satisfying thing ever


Maelger

Bro, you're now an x-man and your codename is Peenis. This decision cannot be reversed.


PMental

Yours does not do that? Thought that was common, mine does as well.


upvoter222

Mine accuses me of beating him.


flying-spuirel

What a dick


TuxidoPenguin

Heard he’s friends with an asshole. No wonder they get along.


Ninja_IV_XX

I heard his friend talking shit behind his back.


FluffyProphet

They're the most temperamental things. Hard when you don't want it to be. Soft when you want it to be hard. Sometimes a light breeze make it go off, sometimes it's like trying to start a fire with 2 wet sticks. That's the most annoying thing. They just don't always cooperate.


MiniMan_BigChungus

I can relate, dicks are spiteful cunts.


Fimau

Cunts are cunts, dicks are dicks My point stands uncontested for the rest of eternity Edit: idiots here not realising that cunts behave like cunts and dicks behave like dicks, stop commenting about ideology


Brad_McMuffin

Oh yeah, this is definitely the worst problem. Being hard when you don't want to be not so much, you can hide it... but god daaaaamn when you DO want it to be hard and it just decides to take a nap. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it's really embarrassing.


teh-reflex

Happened to me this weekend. Was trying to get busy with the wife Friday night and it's just like "I sleep" But then Saturday afternoon it was like "Real shit!" and it was all good.


IppyCaccy

This is common. Testosterone levels are lower at night, higher in the morning and afternoon.


moun7

I'm so god damn frisky in the morning, whereas my SO is frisky at night. It can be frustrating.


saptahant

It’s not detachable


eddyathome

Do you really want to find your penis on a blanket and some guy is selling it for $23 but you have to haggle him down to $17 every time you misplace it?


ironmansaves1991

I'm so glad you made this reference. When I saw the comment you responded to, that's what I thought of instantly.


Asphyxiatinglaughter

Lol what's this from


graipape

At least you have a King Missile


Syrinx221

🎶 detachable penis 🎵


ddejong42

Sure it is. Reattachment can be tricky though.


oftenGetsItWrong

When you finish peeing and the tip is still wet so you give it a gentle flick but some drops still remain so you dab it with a single toilet paper but, instead of the paper soaking up the moisture, scraps of paper stick to your dick. Like when you peel off a price tag but it doesn’t come off clean.


welloiledcrosont

Then you keep tryna pick it off but keep missing and end up scraping the fuck out of your dick


Thignk

Get a wet piece of TP and wipe it right off


amitaimehl

And your dick is wet again. Back to square one


TriumphAndTragedy

At least then it's wet with water and not piss


modi13

He didn't say *how* he wets the TP


HalfHeartedFanatic

Someone has probably invented post-pee-pads – like a tiny absorbent bandage you can stick over the end when you're done, but doesn't stick so securely that that it's painful to remove. I'm not going to Google it.


dakin79

Expectations


HonkHonk357

This one's deep bro😭


Dzandar

If only it could


UnXpectedPrequelMeme

There is not enough PP for this move


also-specs

This actually gave me flashbacks Edit: after getting upvoted, I must say that the flashback wasn’t in any way to Pokémon xD


doogle_126

u/also-specs used struggle.


Slagenthor

Wow. Good fucking morning..


noisex347420

ಥ‿ಥ🍺┐


Fanon64

Leaning against the wall at 45° to piss with a random boner.


chalk_in_boots

Back when I drank, I loved doing the head lean on the wall when I pissed while plastered.


raven1087

Oh my god. The head lean. I thought I was the only one


Taeyeon-I-

Yohohoho


blackpython1

I almost died from laughing at this... But I'm already dead YOHOHOHOHOH


Prestigious-Load-116

I can never escape brooks dad jokes.


BloodySerpentX

Well this is quite unexpected.


R4hu1M5

Wow didn't expect this reference here. Do you poop?


-pooping

I poop


Fanon64

That almost made me cry with laughter...Although I have no eyes. Yohohoho~ Skull Joke!


KirbyBucketts

Constantly knocking things over like lamps and windmills.


tangcameo

Dong Quixote


Ianthekiller

Street lamps I presume


[deleted]

No, lighthouses on the other side of the Atlantic


dontbeanegatron

It's like involuntarily playing golf and knocking the moon out of orbit.


AEDTGUJO

This made me giggle uncontrollably.


ExSogazu

bad aim to the toilet seat every once in a while, so to speak.


BuffaloWhip

Or the dreaded split stream


Mlquinif

LPT: when you pee after sex, sit down, bc half the time there's some jizzum in your urethra which ups the chance of a split stream coming out You don't wanna piss all over the bathroom by accident.


Acidburn24

I prefer to have it on purpose if I am to pee all over my bathroom.


Mlquinif

Sometimes you have a good reason, I don't know your life, if it's on purpose then your purpose has been fulfilled and that's a success in my book!


CapElDiosDelViento

Having the sudden urge to adjust it every 5 MINUTES, especially with jeans, it gets soooo uncomfortable


IBEther

I hate it when the seam rides up and essentially creates what feels like the same motion as two lumberjacks using a bandsaw on the underside of your balls, so you flick your leg or do “the gentleman’s step” to undo the damage, but 2 minutes later it’s back. Edit - Who would’ve thought my most upvoted and interacted post would be me talking about my balls being sawn in half by my own clothing. Bless the internet! Edit2 - For those asking about the Gentleman's Step: https://i.redd.it/y8hr3e6fc6ez.jpg


manystorms

I have alway thought skirts make more sense for male genitalia and pants make more sense for female genitalia EDIT: I am a cis woman so you don’t have to keep replying about how I secretly wish to let my balls wave in the wind or how I am actually wrong about skirts or pants lol. I wear both on a regular basis and obviously our opinions might differ.


IBEther

Traditional Scottish kilts are the way forward.


intheclosetmetalhead

Whenever there's a breeze in Scotland, you either lust or turn away.


Dramatic_Stock5326

actually, traditional scottish kilts had small weights in the bottom of the kilt to prevent this, the only problem was if it were too loose... edit: spelling edit 2: WOW 688 likes rip my inbox, so many notifs lol


a_leprechaun

Kilts are pretty heavy by default. Wind doesn't do much to them, especially if you have a kilt pin. It's more the idea of the wind coming up inside the kilt. Though honestly some times it's quite refreshing!


N0bleBadger

Saxx boxers my friend. Like having it cradled in the palm of an angel.


Willing_Produce_7100

The worst part of having a penis is that you have to share a brain with it.


BuffaloWhip

And sometimes it doesn’t wanna share


Willing_Produce_7100

So many bad decisions that I refuse to take full responsibility for.


MelayuBertamadun

As a wise man once said, "masturbate before every major decision. Those post nut clarity comes in handy".


RexArcana

usually comes after a handy for me.


jasoningaming

Sharing blood, but only having enough blood to power one head.


Willing_Produce_7100

So true. It's like having a small siamese twin attached to you that just wants to have sex all the time.


_DarkJak_

Unless post nut...


Tooooblue

Having that tiny drop of pee after you spent a minute trying to avoid it happening


ThisWhomps999

No matter how much you wiggle and dance. The last drop will always go down your pants.


Accomplished_Ad1684

It is one of Newton's laws of motion


Nuf-Said

I thought it was part of Murphy’s Law


satanmastur

Don't quote me on this, but I heard they wrote this one together


cataids69

You need to push the area between your anus and your testicles that last drop will squirt out.


Fuffuloo

Squooch the Gooch, as I always say


CentralAdmin

It taint as easy as it sounds


PlagueSoul

I always heard this version growing up. You can slap it, you can smack it, you can bang it on the wall, but in your drawers the last drop will fall.


_Memeposter

Why are there so many of these. I even know if a german one


kittenzrulz123

Its hard sometimes


Lone_Vagrant

Randomly. Even when not horny.


Faenn_11

why is it always in math class tho


Nameless_Kink

from rectangle to **erect**angle


singeblanc

don't be obtuse


QuipOfTheTongue

Math is hard and so are you.


nocountryforhamsters

And sometimes it's not, when you really want it to be! #WhiskeyDick


Twaynesty

Having a small one


leooonieeee

Here in LA we had a peaceful march this weekend that was for, and i quote, “End Small Dong Shame” (Idk how to link stuff, but if you go into the Los Angeles Subreddit, you’ll see a few posts about it with pictures and videos)


Twaynesty

I support this


Moonpaw

If it needs support, it's probably big enough to not be considered a "small dong".


PigeonSuperstitions

Chad and JT represent!


Litliy

Getting hard at inconvenient moments like giving a presentation in front of the class and remembering how fat your teachers ass is


Karpattata

Gym class. Sweat pants. The horror. The one type of pants that you're allowed to wear for gym class and it's tailor-made for maximum tenting.


KenKaniffLovesEminem

and I used to wear boxers back then too. That shit allows your dick to slip out through the openings and just missiles through the shorts. Had to run with hands in my pocket the whole time..


NPC_4842358

Maximum tenting lmao.


ESD_Franky

God damn thick teachers


Please_call_me_Tama

There's a lot of drawbacks to being a woman but at least I can be as excited as I want about someone without ever being suspected. Also, grinding your clit on your jeans seam is an amazing way to get an orgasm without anyone suspecting it either.


RaevanBlackfyre

Fuck you and your hidden orgasm. Why do I need to have an entire workout?


wolfxorix

It's arm training bro if you don't have the arms of a silverback after you're doing it wrong


Mrredseed

Waaaat you can do that? Whoever you are, orgasms are still pretty hard to hide though


Please_call_me_Tama

Nope, you just need some self control. Also you don't have to do it while you're surrounded by people intently looking at you, being at the bar or at a concert or on a long, boring train ride will do!


ShhhhhOverHere

When you’re wondering if the dude your fighting is actually going to grab your dick and twist it.


Count-Scapula

The oooool' dicktwist!


jaytea86

Dude, this is an MMA fight.


The_Gooch_Goochman

TWIST HIS DICK


7amoody5818

GRAB HIS DICK AND TWIST IT


AdvancedHat7630

My issue is I don't know when to grab the dick of the guy I'm fighting


ShhhhhOverHere

Do it immediately to assert dominance.


fathertime979

The constant cultural and individual need to assure ourselves that they're "good enough". Pro tip. If your partner is enjoying themselves. It's good enough. And if you can't do the deed for whatever reason. YOU'RE still valid, and valued. Head up Kings.


Due-Possibility-3996

"Wow, what an amazing penis." "Wow, what a shitty, ugly penis." "Hmm, normal penis I'd say." "Eww, your penis smells like your balls." "Wow, I wish every penis smelled as great as your penis." Like look it's the same penis alright quit fucking bothering me about it.


hackepeter420

Man I also hate cock inspection day


Due-Possibility-3996

Depends on the day I guess


matinthebox

Every day is cock inspection day


scificis

This guy fucks


Galactisy

A lot


kynthrus

Yeah I married the first woman to compliment my penis like any rational man.


TheRainSnake

Circumstantially, whenever you feel any pain on it. I got my penis caught in a zipper exactly once, and I can tell you that death was by far more preferable. Day to day, idk, probably when every now and again you go to pee, and it shoots in 2 different directions at full blast for no reason. Super annoying, and I did nothing to deserve it.


CappyWomack

Circumstantially is the perfect word to lead this point.


sagiterrible

Sometimes, cum dries in the tip of your dick. So you go to the bathroom like normal, only the blockage has the same effect as holding your thumb over a hose, so your stream is split into two and— despite being properly aimed— the larger stream is hitting the wall and the lesser stream is hitting your foot, and you adjust your aim to stop hitting the wall. That’s the point where the blockage clears, but you’re pointed in the wrong direction and also manage to spray the bottom of the lid before you realize your mistake. If you get jumpy during the incident, you bobble your junk around and make an even bigger mess.


cait6570

This description was written so well that I feel like i experienced this and I’m a woman


matschbirne2003

As a man I can tell you, that it is extremely accurate too.


sw33tzmbiejesus

My wife had trouble believing this was a thing until she witnessed it. I'm pretty good about cleaning up when things go... sideways, but I would occasionally miss a spot and it was a point of contention until then.


Press_1_to_Confirm

It's unpredictable as all hell.


En7117

Sitting on a ball accidentally


MossiestSloth

You must have some really long balls


Mr_Mori

Give it another 20 years.


mistboof

One man's ball jokes, another's future. *respectful applause*


Cyanora

It's like having a compass that only ever leads me to trouble. EDIT: You know folks, there’s something to be said that one of my most upvoted posts is centered around my dick. And that something is ‘Appropriate’. Thank you kindly for the awards, the comments and all the humor. I hope y’all have a great day!


Mlquinif

Seriously though, Wish it would point to treasure instead. Life is hard enough without a trouble magnet. .


Shawtts

Hard enough, eh?


Cheesy_Smurf

well, it does point towards booty.


POSITIVELY_ROMANTIC

The fear that it may in some way get ripped off or cut off (dick guillotine fear)


somekennyguy

Unplanned erections..


Charon_With_The_Boat

The urge to slap things with it.


barefoot_bottomless

I don’t have a penis but this seems like the opposite of a problem


European2002

And that's why i am here today mr judge


rubik-3141

Oof, wanted to give you a free award, but reddit gave me the wholesome one, ain't really that wholesome. But you deserve it


[deleted]

[удалено]


Buildsoc

Going through puberty in sweatpants


apieceofshi-rock

Can't run naked. My dick always flops around


Presently_Absent27

Jeans for sure. Those skinny jeans are like medieval torture devices.


ThorsHamSandwich

I’d have to say, the dementors


tubbsalex317

When you sit on the toilet and the tip touches the water


hellothisismt

I work on toilets for a living. You either need to adjust the water level, plunge your toilet or send me a picture of your cock


[deleted]

Op: It will take 2 years to upload the complete photo, hold on.


HalobenderFWT

Do you know how hard it is to take a panoramic picture of a dick!?!?


tubbsalex317

Cock pic incoming i guess 🙄


CallMeAladdin

I, too, work on toilets so will be needing this pic.


Big-Bluejay9558

Or worse, the porcelain.


NobushiLover

Even though I know it’s completely irrational, every time this happens I feel like my dick will just rot off in a few minutes.


bigfatsourlemon

Especially if it’s a public toilet. I start planning how my life will be with a fungi cock for a split second.


superfudging

Witches kiss


Mr_Hyde_

How- how is your tip touching the water? Mine will hit the front of the bowl inside but not the water. Fuckin' long John Dicker over here


_clem_fand_ango_

American toilet perhaps. From what i remember half the bowl is filled with water


BhaltairX

Sitting on round - not elongated - toilets. It's disgusting when it touches the inside of the bowl. Especially when it's a public toilet.


comeallwithme

Morning wood. Otherwise I don't mind. It sure beats being female and dealing with monthly periods.


Canaricantransplant

You WILL miss that wood one day you young whipper snapper. Sigh


Educational_Brush_43

uh happy cake day


JeffroCakes

In 2015, I had back surgery that left me unable to walk, twist, or bend for 3 weeks. So I was sent to a nursing and physical rehab facility for wound care and inpatient rehab. At 32, I was the youngest patient. The staff was NOT used to caring for a sexually healthy male in the mornings. They’d come in and immediately start to the sponge bath within a minute or two of waking me up, before I even had my bearings. They had a surprise day 3. 😂


Ralphyourface

Lucky. I'm 30 and had spine surgery in March, they sent my ass home after 2 days, no pt. No sponge baths. Granted it was probably the least serious type of spine surgery but still... I'd love me a sponge bath lolol


Whenmilkturnsblack

Fun fact about morning wood. Because the sun rises gradually and contentiously around the earth there has been a boner "wave" circulating the glove since the dawn of man kind.


intergalacticskeptic

Dun dun duuuun dun dun *HEY* dun dun dun


blatant_prevaricator

If. The tip. Gets wet it makes typing on my. Phone harder and I keep getting random false stops


Azraels_Cynical_Wolf

Ah yes the return of the why boner. And every other boner that happens when it's nonsexual. Bonus round: trying to sit and not landing on your balls. This is why we can't sit with our legs closed


SirRumpleForeskin

When you need to pee, but you’re also horny, so you cum and then pee after, but then for a good half hour it feels like you still have to pee even though you’ve peed everything you can. Fucking hate that shit man.


jwdunn6401

Getting it caught in the zipper


Floko262

Don't you wear underpants?


AltLawyer

Zip up underpants


SMF1834

How the hell did you get the beans above the frank?!