By - poopcornkernels
Shitting outside. Not much of an accomplishment but during my employment for the US forest service I came upon the realization that I’ve never shit in the woods and I’d like to keep that streak going
As a lifelong IBS sufferer I can say if you haven't shit while looking out over majestic scenery you are missing out. Also having a group of people waiting for you to finish is very embarrassing. You may have an itchy balloon knot until you bathe.
The best shit I ever had was during a run in the countryside. I hopped over the gate into a field with a load of sheep and the view was beautiful, the day was warm and I just felt like I was going back to nature like my ancestors lol. I wiped down with some dock leaves with light dew which are basically a perfect wet wipe substitute and then there running water to wash my hands. It was like god looked down that day and said here’s the perfect shit for you, you deserve it.
I’m 38 - I’ve never been stung by a bee or a wasp. They seem to be naturally repelled from my skin.
Mosquitoes on the other hand…
I had problems getting on the right medication. Found one 5 years where the biggest side effect is kidney stones. Thank the lord it hasn't happened...yet
It is fucking HORRIBLE. Not to scare you, but I was in pain for about 3 months. It was insane. It's literally the most painful thing that's happened to me. I even had a mother of 2 with cancer say "I don't envy you, they're so painful it's horrible" which made me feel even worse.
Apparently there's a high chance that once you have one another will come along fairly quickly due to...y'know...there still being plaque in there and man, I am NOT looking forward to that. The moment I feel it I'm running to the doc and begging them for one of those fancy sound wave pulveriser things.
I had a kidney stone and I asked the nurse in all seriousness if I was going to die. I went from eating lunch to thinking I had to go to the bathroom to saying, "This is it. This is where I die" and profusely sweating so much I was dripping onto the sidewalk and strangers were asking to help me in the span of like 3 minutes. The pain is *that* bad. Anyone who hasn't had one: consider yourselves very lucky.
I had a muscle spasm in my prostate that clamped down on a kidney stone that looked like a snowflake and was the size of a pencil eraser—better believe I was on the floor so fast my coworkers thought I’d been gunshot.
I’m just here wondering wtf a muscle spasm in your prostate feels like, I have no conception for what that would even feel like. Is this a normal thing that can happen?
I think I get this quite rarely, I remember ignoring it for ages then googling it and it turned out to be nothing just this random thing that happens
It's pretty bad, but it passes in like 3/5 seconds, it's more like a muscular pain so it doesn't bother me much, stuff like dental pain and testicular tortion, that stuff was way worse.
Aaaaand ... just pop back in and let us know when your summons shows up. It should be within about a week.
it senses fear. Ive been summoned twice and showed up but both times the cases got dismissed before jury selection (person took plea deal). As i was telling my supervisor on friday i wouldnt be in monday due to jury duty, she got summoned on saturday haha.
I’ve been called in twice. First time I got dismissed before being called in and the second called in and wasn’t needed for my day. I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18-years old. To get to sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people while my lunch was paid for? That is the life
Stanley is this you?
I only had it once and was dismissed because I didn't think it was worth throwing a father in jail because he smoked a joint.
It comes when you least expect it
So if I just expect it slightly more each day, I'm safe?
no, that would mean you would get it right now
Quite a few of my professors (biotech degree) worked in cancer research. They've all said that basically if you live a long enough, healthy enough life, cancer will get you in the end. The only way you don't get cancer is if something else gets you first. They also all agreed the only two things you should really, really concern yourself about in regards to avoiding cancer are - don't smoke/chew/use tobacco and don't tan. Everything else is negligible, so don't sweat all those sensational news stories about studies that say hot beverages cause throat cancer or using dryer sheets causes cancer. As one of them liked to say, "Life causes cancer."
Edit: of course, this is not to say that if you are healthy and avoid those two things, you will NOT get cancer, just that those are the two things that almost definitely WILL get you cancer. As well all know, sometimes cancer gets you anyway.
But some cancers are more treatable than others, if caught early. So also follow all the guidelines for screenings/tests
Colon cancer runs in the family. I’ve been experiencing horrible abdominal pain around where my appendix is, and we screened me for appendicitis and a slew of other things, and the doctors were all like “yea, we got no clue.” So now I’ve got an appointment with a gastroenterologist coming up. I’m surprised everyone took me seriously, because I’m 19, but my mother had stage 3 in her mid 30s, so I figure I’ll get that checked out.
That would be me too, until three months ago. Until then, it really was one of those things that happens to \*other\* people, but was not on my personal horizon. But it really does hit randomly and when you least expect it! (Btw, my diagnosis was breast cancer, and I will be fine. But the treatment is no fun!)
Addiction and pregnancy so far.
I have also avoided pregnancy, I am male
very proud son
This. I got arrested and locked in a police cell overnight for a bogus drink driving charge and it's pretty terrifying.
I was only in the cell for about 8 hours but it felt like a lifetime. I couldn't imagine a long prison sentence.
One of my favorite stories in recent years was that 99 year old lady who asked to be arrested as part of her bucket list.
She was in the Netherlands and looked like she was having the [time of her life](https://www.ndtv.com/offbeat/99-year-old-dutch-woman-arrested-it-was-on-her-bucket-list-1664333)!
I took three shots at a party when I was three weeks from being 21 and then decided to ride in the car with a completely sober girl because she wanted to go to the gas station. She rolled through a stop sign and the next thing I knew the guy was breathalyzing both of us. I spent that night in a drunk tank. Concrete bench and floors with bright lights. No sleep at all. I had to leave for a wedding the next day by 10am, but my car and phone were still 5 miles away at the house where the party was. They let me out at 8:15am and I immediately started my five mile run to get my car and phone so I could make it to my parents in time to leave in hopes they would never find out. I made it 500 feet and then my dad pulled up on the side of the road, threw open the car door, and said “get in”.
I’m not typically a rule breaker, but not mad at all that that happened! Crossed it off my bucket list.
Did you get arrested for drinking under age or for being in a car drunk? I can't imagine going to the drunk tank, in the UK you would have to be "drunk and disorderly" for that to happen, regardless of your age.
Drinking underage. I was very cordial the entire time, but I guess that didn’t matter lol
Genuinely just curious if you’ve had an antibodies test?
I actually have, and they’ve all been negative
Edit: I literally just re-read my reply, and it looks like I’m dumb. I’ve had AN antibody test, two weeks ago, IT came back negative. As have ALL of my PCR’s and LFT’s. Just to clarify my stupidity.
Lucky. Bees aren't the worst but definitely knocks the energy out of you and really hurts at first
Me too and now I’ve built it up so much that I’m absolutely terrified of wasps and I run for my life when I see one
Hurts, but not horribly. We used to catch bees with our hands when I was a kid, just being gentle. Got stung on back of my leg by a wasp, felt like someone put a cig out on me.
When I was about 10 we had paper wasps in the area and I unknowingly did something to a half dead palm tree thing that had a full nest in there. I don't remember exactly, maybe I swung a stick at it, or was playing and fell into it, dumb kid stuff for sure. All I remember is running flat chat up a hill with them destroying my neck and back. Awful...
I was walking with a friend in high school down this wooded hill full of brush and debris. At one point, my friend (about 10' in front of me) turns around and goes "Whoa!" He doesn't say anything else, I follow suit, turn around, and there's a huge nest of Yellowjackets.
Well, they didn't mind my friend, but he apparently put them on guard because me stepping over them *enraged them*. I ended up sprinting down this wooded hill, lucky my foot didn't catch on a branch or something. I ended up getting stung 9x I believe it was; Three times on my back, one on each ear (so much heat radiates from an ear sting), two on one arm, one on the other, and one on my legs.
I couldn't sleep well for a few days, *everything hurt*
Watching Two Girls, One Cup.
Don’t plan on ever watching it, even if I die because of not watching it.
Same. We should start a club.
How about r/avoided2girls1cup
Jury Duty (I’m almost 37)
I'm 62, and although I've been called a few times, I've never served. I've always wanted to.
Me too. I always had some interest in the legal system, I watch law/lawyer videos on YouTube from time to time. I have a very little knowledge but a decent understanding on how it works and I thought I’d be cool, no matter how mundane - just to see it first hand.
I went into it with this same attitude. I was happy to play my part in the legal system, figured it would be an interesting experience. I ended up on a 4 week long case for a fatal shooting. I was not prepared for the mind fuck that comes with seeing/hearing terrible things, not being allowed to discuss it with ANYONE for a whole month, and the responsibility of figuring out which side is lying to you less (but if you're wrong you basically ruin someone's life). Also, the frustration of other jurors not taking it seriously, falling asleep during testimony, playing on their phone while we're trying to deliberate, etc. We ended in a hung jury.
Overall it was interesting and I learned a lot, but I would really rather not do that again.
I work in the court for a living. You get used to seeing and hearing the fucked up things. I guess desensitized is the word. All the staff laughs and jokes about things, not to make less of the situation, but subconsciously as a coping mechanism. 🤷♂️
44 and got my first summons last year. Was actually really looking forward to it as I thought it’d be interesting.
Then covid shut down all the courts.
because the comment I added to this got buried thank you for the awards and comments to all. Just to be clear, my vision of wealth is the ability to live modestly while genourisly financially supporting noble causes/people (my wife and I are working hard to realize that dream because we selfishly want to be remembered as philanthropists). A proper mega millions ticket would accelerate the program though. Lol
I've finally read through all the comments and I truly appreciate that so many of us have an idea of wealth that is far more fulfilling than Lambos and mansions... here's to a future of true "wealth" 🍺
I felt this one.
omg me too, i mean I'm not married but it still counts right?
Never been in a relationship so I’m steps ahead (or behind) haha
Streets ahead, as they say.
So not counting your birth?
And this 3rd degree burn
That man had a family...
Feeling like I'm part of a community.
Same. Wanna make a two person community? We never have to do or say anything but we'll both know we are united together in our community forever.
Fuck yes I am so in.
Can we call ourselves the Blue Barracudas?
A fine name for our establishment, unrivaled community connection.
Where and how can I join?
Hey guys, just letting y'all know I've joined the club. This will be the first and last time I talk to you....
Aight, imma head out!
Yep. I joined as well. I dont care who you are. But I'm a part of this now. See ya never.
A fist fight. Aside from my siblings, I’ve never been in a physical fight.
I was once out with a group of male friends. For reasons that I can't recall we ended up getting into an argument with another group of males. Before I knew it there was a lot of gesturing and shouting as we all squared up to one another.
Now, being soft as shit and someone who has no desire to be in a fight, this was not a good situation. Luckily I got paired up with someone who was clearly of the same ilk. Whilst everyone around us started to fight we essentially had a little dance together, on our toes, fists raised but with all the threat and malice of 2 puppies playing. When everyone finished we gave each other a smile and went our separate ways, no doubt both filling our friends with lies of the "fight" we had just endured
This sounds like a scene out of Anchorman when they meet the different but very similar crews
That's a great story. Nothing good comes from those situations
Me neither. I have a strong feeling I'd get my ass kicked.
Keep it that way, fights suck
People tend to romanticize fighting, but every physical altercation I've ever been in (3 total, never started by me) has probably looked incredibly stupid to bystanders. If you don't know how to fight, you're not gonna figure it out in the moment. Not only that, but hitting hurts as much as getting hit, and you can die or commit murder very easily with only one well placed punch to your face or chest.
I've done Muay Thai and boxing for 5 years. I know how to fight. However street fights scare the hell out of me. You're right, fighting is too romanticized. In the real world so many things can go wrong. Death, serious injury, arrest, etc. Every time I hear someone so confident about getting into a street fight I roll my eyes and just know they aren't about my life. As someone who has had to defend himself and know what he's doing-- It's not fun. Try your best to avoid it.
I’ll never forget I was at a little party at a friends place in high school and a couple guys were both interested in the same girl. They both got too drunk and ended up fighting “for her”, but she left in disgust before the fight even began. I’m not sure she was even into either of them to begin with. If she was, she definitely wasn’t after they started acting like assholes. When the fight started, one dude swung, missed, and knocked himself over with his own momentum. Then the other guy started stomping on him. I had to pull them apart because the shit was getting out of hand and it wasn’t even for any reason.
Long story short, you’re right. Most fights are stupid and they look stupid too. And people can get seriously hurt over some stupid bullshit.
I’ve been in more than I can count I’ll admit and I agree it gets romanticized way to much. I’ve seen how badly it can go as well. Even in fights I’ve “won” I always feel sick to my stomach afterwards.
Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face.
I got attacked once, when I was 16. After that I got a plan. If I went out. I'd wear comfortable running shoes so that if anything started, I could be somewhere else, mighty fast. I'd rather be yellow all over than red/black/blue in places. It's not much of a plan, but it's worked for the last 40 years.
My version of the old saying: He who turns and runs away, may live to run away another day.
"I won the fight by 2 fences and 100 metres."
> 'Haven’t you ever noticed that by running away you end up in more trouble?’
‘Yes, but, you see, you can run away from that too,’ said Rincewind. ‘That’s the beauty of the system. Dead is only for once, but running away is for ever.’
-Last Continent, Terry Pratchett
edit: the amount of facts some of you know about rabies is scary
Rabies is fucking scary. I remember there was a guy back in the day that made a detailed post about it.
One Dr. House episode freaked me out when I saw the guy with rabies strikingly afraid of the ice bath to bring down the fever
That was a good episode. She, the patient, drew comics if I remember correctly.
But hydrophobia is a good sign that you have rabies, and the best thing about rabies is if you are showing signs, it's too late and you are going to die so you don't have to worry about it.
Better hope human euthanasia is legal cause rabies is a horrible way to die
Not seeing any of my family banging or finding their porn stash or toys
Edit: holy shit. Wow i didn't expect tbis kind of response.... thanks kind strangers
A person can dream, right?
Wait, you’ve *avoided* NOT seeing them?
Watching the musical Cats.
Taking a picture of my butthole and putting it on the internet.
I like the “and” qualifier here. So you have taken a picture of your butthole. You just haven’t posted it…yet
S veritable Hercule Poirot, over here!
I mean there's still time.
Quicksand and the Bermuda triangle
Quicksand is a funny thing. I knew that it existed for real, and it was nothing like the way it is portrayed in movies. My dad got stuck in quicksand once, told me about it, and it never really clicked with me until I ended up stuck in it myself. Quicksand is relatively rare; most places in the world will not support quicksand, but a few specific environments are susceptible to developing quicksand. It looks like dirt with a little bit of water sitting on top of it. My first encounter with it, I walked across what looked like a VERY tiny puddle on solid ground and wound up completely stuck to my hip in cement-like mud. It was liquid for an instant, and then just cemented in around my one leg. I got out by jamming my hiking pole down alongside my leg, and "stirring" the dirt. Eventually, water re entered the area, and I could pull my leg out. For a moment there was a big puddle of mud with a huge hole where my leg had been. Then it just.. disappeared and became solid again. Next time I ran into it, I had a canoe on my shoulders. Turns out, a canoe and double bladed paddle are pretty much the most perfect quicksand self rescue tools you can ever have. I just groaned, put the canoe on the ground, draped my body over the canoe, and slowly kicked my way out up. Now, I probe suspicious looking patches of ground in river flood plains with a stick before committing my weight to them. The chances you will get so badly stuck in quicksand that cannot self-rescue within \~10 minutes are small, but very much not zero.
I got sucked into the ground once. In Iceland. There was boiling mud down there. My foot skin hung off like melted candle wax. My right foot is still starch white and hairless.
Well, this is significantly more terrifying.
I see your quicksand and raise you geothermal murder mud....
EDIT: Thanks for the award kind stranger.
Dude. Really enjoyed reading this. I’ve always felt like the Hollywood portrayals of quicksand had to be too dramatic. Like how often do you hear of quicksand deaths. But that’s crazy I stepped into something that was more silty than sandy that went up to my knee and it was not scary at all and I felt like no way this is quicksand but I’ve wondered about it ever since.
Very well could have been - it sounds like quicksand, especially if it was so wet you sunk immediately, then felt dry once you were stuck. I think the physics of quicksand entrapping you really rests on a knife's edge. Too wet, and it will be like a bog that you can slowly but surely drag yourself slog out of. Too dry, and you will be able to gain enough leverage from solid ground to eventually free yourself (but perhaps not your shoes). That "happy medium" of sustained entrapment does exist though, if you are unlucky enough.
i avoided quicksand up until i was like 8. then along lake superior stepped in a patch midway up my thigh. luckily when i fell over i fell over on non quick sand and my parents pulled me out. some archaeologist will be thrilled to find my shoe and tube sock someday. my dad tried reaching for it, tried prodding it up with a stick - no dice.
The dolphin archeologists will find it and assume you were some sort of one-legged human variant.
"Hey if you're coming to visit, take I-90 'cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. Looks like regular sand, but then you're gonna start to sink into it."
Some of us have been in a relationship since before those were really a thing. Match.com existed, but I was married before tinder really was a thing. It's crazy how fast things change
My wife was showing her roommate how to connect to the campus mainframe and pulled up the screen of all online users. Out of the list she chose my name to show that people could message each other. That’s how we met (1994)
I love this
Birthing a child
A stable sense of accomplishment
My stable sense of accomplishment is making my bed in the morning. I only started doing it about 5 years ago. I recommend it. Some days it’s all I can I accomplished.
My grandma never made her bed. She told me it's good to air it out and I've followed her advice.
Breaking a bone
You're welcome to come on over to /r/neverbrokenabone/
But if I find out you are a lying, weak-boned POS, I will show you the door.
> But if I find out you are a lying, weak-boned POS, I will show you the door.
Have you considered breaking his bones?
Unfortunately, /r/neverbrokenabone isn't specific about whose body the bone is in
I do believe they’ve removed people whose family has let the side down, even.
Powder boned scum, I mean, errr, that's terrible...
I'm not jinxing it by joining that sub.
If you have faith on your strong bones there is nothing to jinx.
If you break them you weren't worthy anyway
It's actually r/neverbrokeabone
A second marriage
Did you avoid it, or did it avoid you?
Being cheated on. Or cheating on someone.
With the stuff I see on here, I feel blessed.
Edit: weird phrasing prob made it sound the opposite of what I meant :P
Hard drugs, energy drinks
A healthy relationship with a parental figure or romantic partner
Probably sounds sarcastic but isn’t.
I was born with an umbilical hernia bad enough that I had surgery at two months old (and I was a month premature so….)
I had scarlet fever in first grade.
My freshman year of college I had a car accident where I skid out on ice, panicked, and rolled over a Ford Escort, and walked out with 2 torn shoulders, a concussion (was actually KO’ed twice, once for a few seconds and again for a few minutes), and needing 100+ stitches in my face, including partial reconstruction of an eyelid.
Food allergies can get worse in your 30s. Found that out two years ago when I left work in an ambulance and was diagnosed with anaphylaxis in the ER. Turns out I’m allergic to lettuce and spinach, among other things. I have an EpiPen now.
Six months ago, not long after turning 38, I had severe neck pain for a week or two. Thought it was muscular. It was actually arterial, the arterial dissection caused a blood clot, and cracking my neck dislodged it, landing the clot in my brain. My whole right side went pins and needles. I had a stroke, at about half the age of what we picture as the typical stroke victim.
The rate I’m going, I’ll be crushed by a decommissioned Soviet satellite falling from space before the age of 40. But I haven’t died yet!
Bro how are you allergic to lettuce it’s mostly water that’s so fucked up can’t even have a salad
Were you born with glass bones and paper skin?
Every morning i break my legs. Every afternoon I break my arms
A speeding ticket
You all better knock on wood after
Watching any iteration of the bachelor/bachelorette
Good news, that's 100 points towards getting into the Good Place!
Of course bragging about it is minus 1000 points, so it evens out
Gender reveal parties
Sex, especially in my teen years
Same! 29 years and counting!
1 more year and you become a wizard. Hell yeah!
It's not true, made it to 31 and got nothing. Still waiting for the owl to show up with my hat.
32 here, still waiting.
But hey, only 8 more years before there's a relevant documentary about the unfortunate situation!
Pfft. I do that in my sleep.
Edit: Thanks everyone, but I am so damn confused. Even I didn't think this was *that* funny.
Damn that’s hard to do.
Technically, you're successful at not being successful then, which makes you successful.
Well, society usually tend to call that "Failure"
Then you are successful at failure
I did not expect this much attention, thanks everyone!
Fun fact, I'm allergic to pseudoephedrine, one of the main ingredients in meth production. Meth would probably send me into anaphylactic shock.
As your not-a-physician, I cannot recommend meth consumption for you.
If you have to, like you’re at a party and you step-dad calls you lame when you try to pass the meth pipe without hitting it (pussy, this is why you never started in football), make sure you take a second-generation antihistamine and have an Epi-Pen (or generic formulation) on hand. Anaphylactic shock can cause severe symptoms, and health should be your priority!
As your step-dad, I cannot recommend meth consumption enough.
When you're at a party and you refuse to take a hit after we pass the meth pipe, you look so lame. This is why you never got started in football. Don't start with all that allergy nonsense either, you know epipens are just a government conspiracy to brainwash the weak. Anaphylaxis shock isn't real. Pussy.
I know this is a joke, but my ex girlfriend's dad didn't believe in allergies. He really did think her seafood allergies were her being dramatic somehow.
A car accident
Edit; By the way, people who hit and run are cunts that deserve public hanging.
So you're the person I keep getting into all the wrecks for! Seriously, I've been in half a dozen accidents where cars were totaled and so many others that I can't even count. They're never my fault and the local body shop actually knows me by name when I come in because I've been there so many times.
Jesus christ that's terrible
I guess you've learnt not to get attached to your car!
I'm a car guy. My car is new-ish, but if it ever got totalled, I'd have a breakdown because it's obsolete and I won't even be able to find one used that's in the same condition.
That's what makes it so bad. I haven't learned to not get attached. I'm very much a car guy too and I don't just go out and pick up whatever I can. Every car I buy i do so only after doing extensive research and shopping far and wide to get exactly what I want.
One of the cars was totaled after my son, his best friend, and I spent weeks and weeks one summer vacation doing work on it so we could take it to a show where we actually won a prize. There literally was no other car like it because of all the work we put into it. Despite my best efforts all those boys learned was putting time and money into your car is pointless which broke my heart since I was going to give him that car when he turned 16. Instead, my wife and I took it to foster parenting classes one night (we were considering adopting) and a drunk driver slammed into us at a stoplight.
>That's what makes it so bad. I haven't learned to not get attached. I'm very much a car guy too and I don't just go out and pick up whatever I can. Every car I buy i do so only after doing extensive research and shopping far and wide to get exactly what I want.
Damn that's exactly what I did for both my cars. Damn I feel terrible for you, seriously, the whole nine yards.
And in regards to drivers under the influence, I'm super cautious with that. I've had drivers high on meth behind me before (I know exactly how to spot it). I nope the fuck out and pull over instantly. Bit difficult if someone slams into the back of you though.
To put all the effort in and have it come to that, I'd see red.
People who drive under the influence should be banned for life. They're always the ones that survive fatal crashes too. I hate it.
Becoming the very thing I swore to destroy
Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi; I do not fear the Dark Side as you do!
Parallel parking. The first time I went for my road test I hit another car while attempting to parallel park. The second time there was a festival going on in town and the examiner skipped the parallel parking part. I got my licence. 30 years later and I still haven’t done it.
I live in Europe and barely park another way.
Did it once in driver’s ed and once during the test. Never again, even more than thirty years later.
I love people like you because I parallel park like a pro. So there's always a space for me
I used to drive a full size extended cab pickup. One time I parallel parked it in a fairly tight spot in one smooth motion and received a compliment from an impressed stranger who happened to be watching. Felt like a boss.
I actually enjoy parallel parking lmao it makes me think of my grandpa.
I used to fear it as well. But when I’d visit my grandparents, I would always be astonished at how he parallel parked. I would do my best to mimic his technique
having or living with kids
Being called the n word which is good I guess
Edit: I meant to say that I haven’t been called the N word in real life, not online. I’ve been called a lot of things online
Lucky. That shipped sailed when I was 9.
Bankruptcy, felonies, clowns, the Twilight series...
How have you avoided clowns? I get they're not an everyday thing, but I just find this hard to believe that you've never been near one.
You are never more than 2m from a clown
Every bullet that has ever been fired in my lifetime.
Watching an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians”
A nut sac in my face
Play some COD and that can be fixed
Give it time
Don't sign up to the local rugby team
Getting braces. I was born with straight teeth
Damn, dude came out the womb with a full smile
Healthy coping mechanisms!
Avoided overnight hospital stay, despite recent bout of Covid. I'm 72 years old.
Clicking your profile and seeing NSFW at 72yo, the Pokemon battle music started playing in my head.
Wishing you many more years of good health!
Breaking a bone and something up the butt