T O P

You wake up as President of the United States; what would you do?

You wake up as President of the United States; what would you do?

icysnow33

"Secretary, hold all my calls" ive always wanted to say that.


Victernus

"I keep telling you, I'm the Secretary of *State*."


piazza

"Mrs Landingham, what's next!?"


CresPerez

Panic. Ask Reddit what they would do


HoopRocketeer

I knew it! Thanks for confirming my suspicions.


ProbablyUrNeighbour

Policy decisions via the most upvoted comments


YOGURT___ihateyogurt

Welp looks like dick butt is on the new flag


sgt_dismas

"E Pluribus Anus"


WoogTX

Resign and enjoy the retirement pay for the rest of my life.


Sharp-Floor

They get the pension if they resign, too?


WcDeckel

If not, it's the first thing you take care of as the president. Then resign.


Liverpool510

1) Sign executive order that presidents who resign from office get 2x the pension. 2) Resign effective immediately. 3) Kick back, relax, watch yourself go down in history as the less consequential president ever.


AxiomaticAlex

4) cry as in an effort to stop the upset population the next president immediately revokes that E/O or it gets shot down by the Supreme Court. 5) Go down as the Most Controversial and Least Consequential President 6) Write a Book and do some TV appearances becoming a Multi-Millionaire.


Smegma0nDemand

Fall back asleep.


ihateshitcoins2

You dream you are President of the United States. What do you do?


Computerdores

wake up


ihateshitcoins2

You wake up as President of the United States; what would you do?


baconlord906

Fall back asleep


Reddwarfff

And thus, a loop was developed.


IsCrispyTaken_8281

*dormammu i've come to bargain*


-WouldYouKindly

As President of the United States?


Gamergonemild

Maybe he's interested in trading places


lol-117

Announce that scientology has lost its tax exempt status.


serrated_edge321

In Germany they're not considered a religion. Even better, to start a PhD program at a university, I actually had to sign a document declaring that I'm not part of scientology and would not try to preach such ideas/recruit for them. Edit: Btw I'm American myself, so please don't kill the messenger/look to me for explanations. Here's a bit of background on the topic, in German-- use Google translate/deepL to translate: https://www.verfassungsschutz.bayern.de/weitere_aufgaben/scientology/


parsleynsage

Does everyone have to do this?


lady_douchebag

You have to do this for certain things here, yes. I've had to sign a whole form regarding relations to Scientology when I started working at a school and as far as I know it's the same for any job that sees you working for the state as Scientology are being watched by our Verfassungsschutz (constitution protection)


dick-doctor-69

i think it's because when you work for a school you're technically working for the government, hence you have to sign the form saying that you're not affiliated with any *verfassungsfeindlichen* organisations. i had to sign something similar when i became a working student employed by my university. presumably the above-mentioned phd program is one where, while working on the phd, they're also employed at some chair, and since the university is also run by the government, they're technically a public employee, which is why they have to sign the form.


PoshByDefault

TIL


DrMeepster

nah, you need to declare it a terrorist organization and tear it down for the sedition it committed when it infiltrated the government (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Snow_White)


imthegrk

I’d take a week to binge classified documents, then I would resign.


loscorpio87

I cant stand the way the write things though. Seems like they write irrelevant information over and over then slip the good stuff in here and there.


Nettie_Moore

Ask the CIA for the tl;dr version


UnkleBourbon42069

CIA: "lmao we killt that dude don't tell anyone tho"


Capital-Definition28

Ya they J.F.Killed that guy


SeekingHealth

That’s why you task your lackeys with giving you cliffs notes on it…though I guess they’d have to be cleared. Whatever, there has to be a legal way to have somebody go through the documents and condense it for you.


teddlasso

Either change the internet term “cookies” to something else or require webpages that use cookies to send free cookies every time someone clicks “accept cookies.”


InfernoXYZX

Why are you not president already?


Coygon

Marvel at the epic bender I must have just been on, to not remember an entire political campaign.


Rauol_Duke

Hey, we've all been there. Right guys? Right...?


DriftingPyscho

As your attorney in the matter I advise you to keep quiet about that trip in Vegas.


Rauol_Duke

Does a novel and screen adaptation count as "not keeping quiet? " Woops


KirbyBucketts

Fix that fuckin' pothole at the end of my block.


The_Ghast_Hunter

spray paint a dong in it and complain to the city/county


Sploitspiller

That would be awesome if the president did this.


QueerBallOfFluff

Welcome to the news at 11. The President of the United States, Kirby Bucketts, was filmed today painting male genitalia in a pothole. When asked why he did this, the president replied "it needed fixing". Our political correspondent is on the scene. > Thank you, Fluff. Shock came to this rural town earlier today when the President woke up from a nap and apparently had been living here for the last 20 years. When asked what his plans for his term were, President Bucketts replied "to fix this damn pothole". He was later seen spray painting a bright yellow penis in the middle of the pothole. > Political analysts have been trying to interpret the president's actions, but have yet to come to a solid conclusion. Many of his proponents are claiming that the pothole is in fact a metaphor for the poor economy, or corruption. When asked for clarification, however, the President said "it was just a pothole". > The pothole currently has an armed guard due to vandalism as the local council try to work out what to do with it. Complaints from local mothers have already been made about the drawing asking for repaving to remove it, but as it is currently considered part of the president's official brief on his first day in office, the council has announced they will not be taking any immediate action to fill it. > Back to you. That's all for now, more news at 12.


martin191234

This was amazing man, do you do any creative writing?


QueerBallOfFluff

Thank you! Just the occasional bit of fanfic or a (usually pretty bad) poem from time to time


OhiobornCAraised

If you live in the United States, see if your city/town/county government has an app or 311 service to report such issues. If they have an app or website, and it’s safe to do, take a picture of it with a yard stick/tape measure next to it as well. There are ones where I live and the city/county are pretty good at fixing things once notified.


UniverseEverything

I can tell you don't live in New Orleans.


OhiobornCAraised

True. Visited in 2013 and the roads pretty much need to be all repaved. Couldn’t get over how little street lighting there was in residential areas too.


Oakfarmer

Governments of all levels in Louisiana don't fix roads. Don't ask us why, we don't know, and neither do they, they just don't.


Elo_Solo

Happened when the USA wanted to change the drinking age to 21. Louisiana said get bent, because gambling money and 18-yr olds. USA said if they didn’t change, then USA would stop paving their roads. Louisiana said *MAX BET* and it’s been this was ever since.


datgoy11

Literally the funniest explanation I've heard in a long time lol. Thanks, I really needed this!


Devestator27

MAX BET


Golddigger50

21....I guess The house won.


securus01

Eh This true true?


halcyoncmdr

Sort of. Federal highway funding is dependent on the drinking age being 21. Thanks to M.A.D.D. So if the state wants to maintain the interstate system in their state entirely on their own they can lower the drinking age.


cumsock_

Detroit here its not how do i avoid the pothole but which one do i hit thats gonna scrape the least


SnooMacarons3685

Grew up in Lansing, legit had my first car salesman tell me to blame any fender benders on pot holes in my insurance claims.


ogmgrace

New Orleans was the first thing I thought of when I saw the word "pothole"


dukeofdork4

Okay for real in NY and NJ we had someone name “Wanksky” where he drew penises over potholes so the city had to filled them in less then a week. He did it all dicks, swear words, anything that the public would see as offensive to get the work done.


OhiobornCAraised

In Oakland, there was a group called Pothole Vigilantes who filled potholes on their own at night.


Significant_Ad_197

That’s all good and everything, but that’s what about the penises


JamiePhsx

I hand wrote a letter to the mayor about a street with had a bunch a huge potholes. And you know what? He actually replied. 6 weeks later the pot holes were filled in and 6 months after that they repaved the road. I was so sad he retired and I never got a chance to vote for him. Give it a try, you might be surprised. Police at the national and state level is a crapshoot but we have actual influence and good leaders at the local level.


slutforslurpees

I sent an email to one of my city counselors asking for a crosswalk between my old middle school and the neighboring convenience store, because the little twerps (me included when I was that age) would just dart out into the road any old place and it was a hazard. They replied and said they sent it off to the right people, and a few months later they actually put one in! I've since moved away but I still call that crosswalk my crosswalk lmao


Kelekona

There's a pothole near the DMV and I wonder if it is left broken on purpose.


playfulmessenger

It's part of drivers training. If you fail pothole, no license for you.


LJamH

Quit. I can't deal with that stress.


RitaAlbertson

Hey now. Find out who the VP is first.


tgg11

I'm just too stupid


surmatt

Are you though?


tgg11

Yes I have no common sense


digimouse17

The mere fact that you question your intelligence makes you more intelligent than a good chunk of people.


RyRyTheGoodGuy

This is 100% true


serty2233222222

Yes, resign immediately.


FetaMight

Wonder how I crossed an ocean in my sleep.


Nico_MyTrueSelf

No one said you have. You are the president, lost somewhere in the wrong country without any possibility to contact your office because up until now tout haven't been the president and you don't know anyone there.


LarryLiam

Lol imagine waking up, seeing the news and suddenly there’s an announcement that the entirety of the US has unanimously decided that I, a random teenager from Germany, should become the next US-president. I’d certainly think that I’ve lost my mind.


arvigeus

That sounds like a start of a mental illness


sociallyawkwardjess

That was my first thought as well. Start thinking like that and you’ll soon be in a psych ward with those awesome drippy socks. Edit: leaving drippy socks instead of grippy socks. I think it’s hilarious.


worldwidelemon

After that, i'd go and see about meeting some of my American friends. I probably could send some choppers out or something.


Nicc-will-clicc

I would tell everyone to execute order 66


ActuallyFire

So that's how liberty dies, with thunderous applause


TheKnightsWhoSayNyet

Oh no, I'm not brave enough for politics


General_-_Kenobi

Hello there!


Yz-Guy

General Kenobi!


Chancellor_Valorum82

*Dark side points gained* *Net dark side shift*


dalcarr

*influence gained: Kreia* *influence lost: Kreia*


The_Ghast_Hunter

ah, the negotiator


Hacker1MC

I expected someone with your reputation to be a bit… older


ThatsWhatSheepSaid

Give away millions of peaches for free. Look out!


ActuallyFire

Peaches come from a can. They put there by a man, in a factory down town


electrikmayham

If I HAD MY LITTLE way, I'd eat peaches every day. Sun soakin bulges in the shaaaaaaaaaaaaade.


kit25

Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches...


Educational_Camera15

Yes, impeach the people


OnlineEgo

Hit the snooze button two or three times. Awake, dreading having to get up.


billie_holiday

Well take a nap… THEN FIRE ZEE MISSILES


Jonathanfrost2231

And Australia’s still down there like “WTF mate?”


A7XGirl1119

But they'll be dead soon. Fucking kangaroos.


marcadores

Canada’s like “what’s going on Eh?”


A7XGirl1119

Mars is laughing at us and some huge meteor is like "Well fuck that."


xMuffinxManx707

But I'm le tired!


xantcha69

Woah. 20-year flashback.


boxxeroo

Classic.


PeePeeFace42069

So ... Every day.


TasteMyLightning122

Require the yellow lane-dividing lines on the road be painted with glow in the dark paint.


Fogl3

Glow in the dark paint requires a lot of upkeep. We can install retro-reflectors in every couple of lines. Makes a crazy difference.


aimeeeeeee12

Look at you with all the wisdom! You're now my Secretary of Transportation!


blari_witchproject

Poor Pete


emi8ly

There’s some roads in Colorado with imbedded lights on the lane lines. It’s incredible at night


I_am_atom

Oh look at this state and their fucking imbedded reflectors/lights. Here in Oregon/Washington we like to just plop ours on top of the road. So when it snows, snow blows scrape them right off!


physics515

Texas Is the only state that I have lived in that doesn't have these for some fucking reason and it only snows in a meaningful part of Texas every ten years or so, so there is little chance of ripping then off. Instead when it rains, you just see every line that has ever been painted on the roads and no one knows where the fuck to go because they rework the highways seemingly every 90 days.


JayXCR

I just moved to Dallas in November. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing on the road during a storm. This is coming from someone that lived in Alaska for nearly 5 years.


GoodShark

Some places have those, but typically they aren't in places that use snow plows. Because the plows rip them up. Interesting to hear that Colorado has them. Cuz... snow.


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GoodShark

I've never seen that design before. All the ones I've seen are a good inch or two above the pavement. Those are nice.


medicff

Learn all the top secret, most classified stuff. Then write bits of it to tabloids until the tabloids are so wildly unbelievable that no one will believe when they’re printing 100% true facts


SympathyMedium

Who ever reads tabloids are probably gonna still believe it regardless of how absurd it is


minivanlife

What else do you read when you’re in line at the grocery store?


PAGodzilla

Go pee. I almost always have to pee when I wake up.


I_Hunt_Wolves

This is the correct answer...now I gotta pee...


rmoss20

Pee for me while you're at it.


I_Hunt_Wolves

Piss on yer leg...I have stuff to do.


pimpguice

*R Kelly has entered the chat*


BlazingSan

me peeing while reading this


qbertisback

President do not pee.


CatchingRays

Found the North Korean.


No_Astronomer_5045

Do what I usually do when I get up, look at my phone


DrFrankSays

You have 67,432 new messages.


F_Tosa

And not a single one from the girl you like. What kind of bomb do you use?


Dogdotjpg

I would eat the Constitution, therefore I would have the ability to channel the power of the founding fathers


KinkyyPinky

Dragonborn more like Fatherborn


JustABitCrzy

So a seahorse then?


babyjoker_ese

I would take air force one to area 51. I want see what is really there.


ihateshitcoins2

You get there and find out that it all hoax as the aliens are in Australia.


cthullumorelikeUwU

That basically proves we haven't contacted aliens yet because Australia doesn't exist.


Guava7

For fucks sake..... you lose ONE war against the emus and everyone starts thinking you don't exist. There are survivors here!!


abobtosis

It's just an air force base where they test experimental aircraft that they're developing. There aren't aliens. They just don't want foreign intelligence to know the crap they're working on. It's state secrets and new military tech.


TheRocketBush

It would still be pretty damn cool to see tbh


WoodenWolf4007

“Nothing to see here boys. Just the invisible jet and a working Back to the Future hoverboard. Waste of a trip.”


xkulp8

Well then I'd ask where the fuck we *are* keeping the aliens.


papaw65

This was my first thought. Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find Area 51.


SoWhatNoZitiNow

Panic and then resign. Nobody needs me being the President.


ihateshitcoins2

Yes we voted for you


CurrentMeasurement29

Shhhh!!!! Don't tell him yet, that dudes gonna be our next president!!


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tavarisch

Move into the country, eat me a lotta peaches


thewezel1995

Have sexual intercourse with that woman


Skin_Effect

*sexual relations


jimlt

He meant what he said.


JethusChrissth

*distant saxophone playing*


wellherewegofolks

my brain just went straight to Careless Whisper


BootBitch13

BuuBAHUHDUHDUHDAH BAHDUUHDUUHDAH


Golferbugg

The correct answer is "two chicks at the same time".


Lonely_Ad_1790

If that’s if you had a million dollars


SayNoToStim

The kinda chicks that would double up on a guy like me would also do it if I was POTUS


Lonely_Ad_1790

Good point.


McGruber6969

Attack Switzerland


Ritz527

Switzerland has decided to stay neutral in the Swiss-American war.


ogier_79

Check. Mate.


Asedious

Why did I read that in an australian accent?


pipsdontsqueak

Because that Aussie just wants to pay for their meal.


Yz-Guy

If I die. Tell my wife....I have no strong feelings either way


helpfulradiotown

Finally a reasonable answer


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Nwaccntwhodis

You know what, I'll finally have health care so I'm treating myself to a doctors visit, dentist, and some therapy.


minionchamp24

Get some chocolate chocolate chip ice cream.


GoAvsGo17

Found Biden


Wundakid

u/minionchamp24, we have found your true identity.


DowntownDingbat

What a bunch of malarkey.


montoya2323

I would make the SEC do their job for once in their lives.


Medieval_ladder

Like updating their offenses?


AmorataG

Go to the oral office


suckmyspiritualcock

Bill Clinton type beat


quintessential17

Make insulin free for anyone that needs it. It’s ridiculous how much people have to pay.


pumpqumpatch

T1 diabetic here, you’re officially my favorite president


neferpitou33

Find out if we’ve had any contact with aliens, what happened to Epstein and exactly how much does the government track its citizens. Edit: I like how the answers are all like “It’s obviously …” but they’re all different answers! What a world we live in, lol


TheUnspeakableh

Sadly, you do not have clearance for that information.


BruceReeLoy

That's probably closer to true.


sierra120

Two words. Plausible Deniability


funmasterjerky

The only mistake I ever made was to appoint a sniveling little weasel like you Secretary of Defense.


Erophysia

You sit at your desk in the Oval Office tapping your foot impatiently. A man in a black suit and sunglasses enters the room and hands you a manilla envelope with "TOP SECRET" stamped on it. "Finally!", you exclaim in triumph. You open the envelope with a wide grin. As you skim through the pages your grin fades, your eyes widen, and your jaw drops. "Holy ----...", you mutter. You look back at the man in black and say, "The American people *cannot* know the truth..." "That is the correct answer, Mr. President.", he calmly states. "So... what would have happened if I'd had given the wrong answer?", you ask. "Refer to the section on Mr. Epstein." He states as he walks away...


B_in_subtle

Correction: “refer to the section on JFK sir”


Meltingteeth

Note to self: Reveal truth about aliens in a car with a roof.


neobeguine

I'd spend one day a month working with the innocence project to pardon people that were likely wrongfully convicted yet failed to get a retrial. Apart from that, I know enough to know that most people overestimate the actual power of the executive branch, but my expertise isn't really in politics or policy. I'd probably spend time making sure I had a competent cabinet and group of advisors to get me up to speed.


Will_i_read

Press all the big red buttons to see what they are for


drblah1

Daylight savings is gone


SnooPineapples5318

Search for the holy corpse


RiceWeeb

Sponsor a horse race across America to do so


Silv3rS0und

There it is


Numbr81

Most of y'all really overestimate the power of the President....


Farlander2821

A fun fact. I worked for the US Census Bureau last year interviewing people who didn't complete the Census online. As part of that position, I had to swear an oath as every federal employee does, but I also had to swear a second oath of non-disclosure of personal information. By law, the information I collected from people can never be disclosed to anyone for 72 years. That includes other Census Bureau employees and other government agencies such as ICE, the FBI, CIA, or any agency regardless of need to know. The person who swore me in pointed out the the law has no limitation on authority and no backdoor to access that information, which means if the President of the United States asked me the name of someone who lives at an address I went to, I legally cannot share that information and both myself and the President would be in violation of the law. But not only can I not share the information, the President has no legal mechanism in which to access your individual answers to the Census questionnaire and will not for 72 years after you answer it, at which point it becomes public information.


ladypricklepuss

Yes, it’s 72 years because of life expectancy. And not so fun fact-FDR broke the law and used census info to round up Japanese.


Nihilikara

It's only illegal if they don't intentionally let you get away with it


nineseventeenam

I've always wondered why it's 72 years. Maybe life expectancy when the law was passed?


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TrinSims

This is the right answer. There’s no way you could really do anything productive but you sure as hell can have the White House chef make you an amazing breakfast!


HitEmWithDatKTrain

The past year and a half has convinced me that astonishingly few Americans in any political label actually understand the basic ways in which our government works honestly.


jimbobjenkins38

Yeah but these dummies can vote.


MaskedNavajo

Sorry.