You wake up as President of the United States; what would you do?
By - ihateshitcoins2
"Secretary, hold all my calls" ive always wanted to say that.
"I keep telling you, I'm the Secretary of *State*."
"Mrs Landingham, what's next!?"
Panic. Ask Reddit what they would do
I knew it! Thanks for confirming my suspicions.
Policy decisions via the most upvoted comments
Welp looks like dick butt is on the new flag
"E Pluribus Anus"
Resign and enjoy the retirement pay for the rest of my life.
They get the pension if they resign, too?
If not, it's the first thing you take care of as the president. Then resign.
1) Sign executive order that presidents who resign from office get 2x the pension.
2) Resign effective immediately.
3) Kick back, relax, watch yourself go down in history as the less consequential president ever.
4) cry as in an effort to stop the upset population the next president immediately revokes that E/O or it gets shot down by the Supreme Court.
5) Go down as the Most Controversial and Least Consequential President
6) Write a Book and do some TV appearances becoming a Multi-Millionaire.
Fall back asleep.
You dream you are President of the United States. What do you do?
You wake up as President of the United States; what would you do?
Fall back asleep
And thus, a loop was developed.
*dormammu i've come to bargain*
As President of the United States?
Maybe he's interested in trading places
Announce that scientology has lost its tax exempt status.
In Germany they're not considered a religion. Even better, to start a PhD program at a university, I actually had to sign a document declaring that I'm not part of scientology and would not try to preach such ideas/recruit for them.
Btw I'm American myself, so please don't kill the messenger/look to me for explanations. Here's a bit of background on the topic, in German-- use Google translate/deepL to translate:
Does everyone have to do this?
You have to do this for certain things here, yes. I've had to sign a whole form regarding relations to Scientology when I started working at a school and as far as I know it's the same for any job that sees you working for the state as Scientology are being watched by our Verfassungsschutz (constitution protection)
i think it's because when you work for a school you're technically working for the government, hence you have to sign the form saying that you're not affiliated with any *verfassungsfeindlichen* organisations. i had to sign something similar when i became a working student employed by my university.
presumably the above-mentioned phd program is one where, while working on the phd, they're also employed at some chair, and since the university is also run by the government, they're technically a public employee, which is why they have to sign the form.
nah, you need to declare it a terrorist organization and tear it down for the sedition it committed when it infiltrated the government (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Snow_White)
I’d take a week to binge classified documents, then I would resign.
I cant stand the way the write things though. Seems like they write irrelevant information over and over then slip the good stuff in here and there.
Ask the CIA for the tl;dr version
CIA: "lmao we killt that dude don't tell anyone tho"
Ya they J.F.Killed that guy
That’s why you task your lackeys with giving you cliffs notes on it…though I guess they’d have to be cleared. Whatever, there has to be a legal way to have somebody go through the documents and condense it for you.
Why are you not president already?
Marvel at the epic bender I must have just been on, to not remember an entire political campaign.
Hey, we've all been there. Right guys? Right...?
As your attorney in the matter I advise you to keep quiet about that trip in Vegas.
Does a novel and screen adaptation count as "not keeping quiet? "
Fix that fuckin' pothole at the end of my block.
spray paint a dong in it and complain to the city/county
That would be awesome if the president did this.
Welcome to the news at 11.
The President of the United States, Kirby Bucketts, was filmed today painting male genitalia in a pothole. When asked why he did this, the president replied "it needed fixing".
Our political correspondent is on the scene.
> Thank you, Fluff. Shock came to this rural town earlier today when the President woke up from a nap and apparently had been living here for the last 20 years. When asked what his plans for his term were, President Bucketts replied "to fix this damn pothole". He was later seen spray painting a bright yellow penis in the middle of the pothole.
> Political analysts have been trying to interpret the president's actions, but have yet to come to a solid conclusion. Many of his proponents are claiming that the pothole is in fact a metaphor for the poor economy, or corruption. When asked for clarification, however, the President said "it was just a pothole".
> The pothole currently has an armed guard due to vandalism as the local council try to work out what to do with it. Complaints from local mothers have already been made about the drawing asking for repaving to remove it, but as it is currently considered part of the president's official brief on his first day in office, the council has announced they will not be taking any immediate action to fill it.
> Back to you.
That's all for now, more news at 12.
This was amazing man, do you do any creative writing?
Just the occasional bit of fanfic or a (usually pretty bad) poem from time to time
If you live in the United States, see if your city/town/county government has an app or 311 service to report such issues. If they have an app or website, and it’s safe to do, take a picture of it with a yard stick/tape measure next to it as well. There are ones where I live and the city/county are pretty good at fixing things once notified.
I can tell you don't live in New Orleans.
True. Visited in 2013 and the roads pretty much need to be all repaved. Couldn’t get over how little street lighting there was in residential areas too.
Governments of all levels in Louisiana don't fix roads. Don't ask us why, we don't know, and neither do they, they just don't.
Happened when the USA wanted to change the drinking age to 21. Louisiana said get bent, because gambling money and 18-yr olds. USA said if they didn’t change, then USA would stop paving their roads. Louisiana said *MAX BET* and it’s been this was ever since.
Literally the funniest explanation I've heard in a long time lol. Thanks, I really needed this!
21....I guess The house won.
This true true?
Sort of. Federal highway funding is dependent on the drinking age being 21. Thanks to M.A.D.D.
So if the state wants to maintain the interstate system in their state entirely on their own they can lower the drinking age.
Detroit here its not how do i avoid the pothole but which one do i hit thats gonna scrape the least
Grew up in Lansing, legit had my first car salesman tell me to blame any fender benders on pot holes in my insurance claims.
New Orleans was the first thing I thought of when I saw the word "pothole"
Okay for real in NY and NJ we had someone name “Wanksky” where he drew penises over potholes so the city had to filled them in less then a week. He did it all dicks, swear words, anything that the public would see as offensive to get the work done.
In Oakland, there was a group called Pothole Vigilantes who filled potholes on their own at night.
That’s all good and everything, but that’s what about the penises
I hand wrote a letter to the mayor about a street with had a bunch a huge potholes. And you know what? He actually replied. 6 weeks later the pot holes were filled in and 6 months after that they repaved the road. I was so sad he retired and I never got a chance to vote for him. Give it a try, you might be surprised. Police at the national and state level is a crapshoot but we have actual influence and good leaders at the local level.
I sent an email to one of my city counselors asking for a crosswalk between my old middle school and the neighboring convenience store, because the little twerps (me included when I was that age) would just dart out into the road any old place and it was a hazard. They replied and said they sent it off to the right people, and a few months later they actually put one in! I've since moved away but I still call that crosswalk my crosswalk lmao
There's a pothole near the DMV and I wonder if it is left broken on purpose.
It's part of drivers training. If you fail pothole, no license for you.
Quit. I can't deal with that stress.
Hey now. Find out who the VP is first.
I'm just too stupid
Are you though?
Yes I have no common sense
The mere fact that you question your intelligence makes you more intelligent than a good chunk of people.
This is 100% true
Yes, resign immediately.
Wonder how I crossed an ocean in my sleep.
No one said you have. You are the president, lost somewhere in the wrong country without any possibility to contact your office because up until now tout haven't been the president and you don't know anyone there.
Lol imagine waking up, seeing the news and suddenly there’s an announcement that the entirety of the US has unanimously decided that I, a random teenager from Germany, should become the next US-president.
I’d certainly think that I’ve lost my mind.
That sounds like a start of a mental illness
That was my first thought as well. Start thinking like that and you’ll soon be in a psych ward with those awesome drippy socks.
Edit: leaving drippy socks instead of grippy socks. I think it’s hilarious.
After that, i'd go and see about meeting some of my American friends. I probably could send some choppers out or something.
I would tell everyone to execute order 66
So that's how liberty dies, with thunderous applause
Oh no, I'm not brave enough for politics
*Dark side points gained*
*Net dark side shift*
*influence gained: Kreia*
*influence lost: Kreia*
ah, the negotiator
I expected someone with your reputation to be a bit… older
Give away millions of peaches for free.
Peaches come from a can. They put there by a man, in a factory down town
If I HAD MY LITTLE way, I'd eat peaches every day. Sun soakin bulges in the shaaaaaaaaaaaaade.
Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches...
Yes, impeach the people
Hit the snooze button two or three times. Awake, dreading having to get up.
Well take a nap… THEN FIRE ZEE MISSILES
And Australia’s still down there like “WTF mate?”
But they'll be dead soon.
Canada’s like “what’s going on Eh?”
Mars is laughing at us and some huge meteor is like "Well fuck that."
But I'm le tired!
Woah. 20-year flashback.
So ... Every day.
Require the yellow lane-dividing lines on the road be painted with glow in the dark paint.
Glow in the dark paint requires a lot of upkeep. We can install retro-reflectors in every couple of lines. Makes a crazy difference.
Look at you with all the wisdom! You're now my Secretary of Transportation!
There’s some roads in Colorado with imbedded lights on the lane lines. It’s incredible at night
Oh look at this state and their fucking imbedded reflectors/lights.
Here in Oregon/Washington we like to just plop ours on top of the road. So when it snows, snow blows scrape them right off!
Texas Is the only state that I have lived in that doesn't have these for some fucking reason and it only snows in a meaningful part of Texas every ten years or so, so there is little chance of ripping then off. Instead when it rains, you just see every line that has ever been painted on the roads and no one knows where the fuck to go because they rework the highways seemingly every 90 days.
I just moved to Dallas in November. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing on the road during a storm.
This is coming from someone that lived in Alaska for nearly 5 years.
Some places have those, but typically they aren't in places that use snow plows. Because the plows rip them up.
Interesting to hear that Colorado has them. Cuz... snow.
I've never seen that design before. All the ones I've seen are a good inch or two above the pavement. Those are nice.
Learn all the top secret, most classified stuff. Then write bits of it to tabloids until the tabloids are so wildly unbelievable that no one will believe when they’re printing 100% true facts
Who ever reads tabloids are probably gonna still believe it regardless of how absurd it is
What else do you read when you’re in line at the grocery store?
Go pee. I almost always have to pee when I wake up.
This is the correct answer...now I gotta pee...
Pee for me while you're at it.
Piss on yer leg...I have stuff to do.
*R Kelly has entered the chat*
me peeing while reading this
President do not pee.
Found the North Korean.
Do what I usually do when I get up, look at my phone
You have 67,432 new messages.
And not a single one from the girl you like. What kind of bomb do you use?
I would eat the Constitution, therefore I would have the ability to channel the power of the founding fathers
Dragonborn more like Fatherborn
So a seahorse then?
I would take air force one to area 51. I want see what is really there.
You get there and find out that it all hoax as the aliens are in Australia.
That basically proves we haven't contacted aliens yet because Australia doesn't exist.
For fucks sake..... you lose ONE war against the emus and everyone starts thinking you don't exist. There are survivors here!!
It's just an air force base where they test experimental aircraft that they're developing. There aren't aliens. They just don't want foreign intelligence to know the crap they're working on. It's state secrets and new military tech.
It would still be pretty damn cool to see tbh
“Nothing to see here boys. Just the invisible jet and a working Back to the Future hoverboard. Waste of a trip.”
Well then I'd ask where the fuck we *are* keeping the aliens.
This was my first thought. Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find Area 51.
Panic and then resign. Nobody needs me being the President.
Yes we voted for you
Shhhh!!!! Don't tell him yet, that dudes gonna be our next president!!
Move into the country, eat me a lotta peaches
Have sexual intercourse with that woman
He meant what he said.
*distant saxophone playing*
my brain just went straight to Careless Whisper
The correct answer is "two chicks at the same time".
If that’s if you had a million dollars
The kinda chicks that would double up on a guy like me would also do it if I was POTUS
Switzerland has decided to stay neutral in the Swiss-American war.
Why did I read that in an australian accent?
Because that Aussie just wants to pay for their meal.
If I die. Tell my wife....I have no strong feelings either way
Finally a reasonable answer
You know what, I'll finally have health care so I'm treating myself to a doctors visit, dentist, and some therapy.
Get some chocolate chocolate chip ice cream.
u/minionchamp24, we have found your true identity.
What a bunch of malarkey.
I would make the SEC do their job for once in their lives.
Like updating their offenses?
Go to the oral office
Bill Clinton type beat
Make insulin free for anyone that needs it. It’s ridiculous how much people have to pay.
T1 diabetic here, you’re officially my favorite president
Find out if we’ve had any contact with aliens, what happened to Epstein and exactly how much does the government track its citizens.
Edit: I like how the answers are all like “It’s obviously …” but they’re all different answers! What a world we live in, lol
Sadly, you do not have clearance for that information.
That's probably closer to true.
Two words. Plausible Deniability
The only mistake I ever made was to appoint a sniveling little weasel like you Secretary of Defense.
You sit at your desk in the Oval Office tapping your foot impatiently. A man in a black suit and sunglasses enters the room and hands you a manilla envelope with "TOP SECRET" stamped on it.
"Finally!", you exclaim in triumph.
You open the envelope with a wide grin. As you skim through the pages your grin fades, your eyes widen, and your jaw drops.
"Holy ----...", you mutter.
You look back at the man in black and say, "The American people *cannot* know the truth..."
"That is the correct answer, Mr. President.", he calmly states.
"So... what would have happened if I'd had given the wrong answer?", you ask.
"Refer to the section on Mr. Epstein." He states as he walks away...
Correction: “refer to the section on JFK sir”
Note to self: Reveal truth about aliens in a car with a roof.
I'd spend one day a month working with the innocence project to pardon people that were likely wrongfully convicted yet failed to get a retrial. Apart from that, I know enough to know that most people overestimate the actual power of the executive branch, but my expertise isn't really in politics or policy. I'd probably spend time making sure I had a competent cabinet and group of advisors to get me up to speed.
Press all the big red buttons to see what they are for
Daylight savings is gone
Search for the holy corpse
Sponsor a horse race across America to do so
There it is
Most of y'all really overestimate the power of the President....
A fun fact. I worked for the US Census Bureau last year interviewing people who didn't complete the Census online. As part of that position, I had to swear an oath as every federal employee does, but I also had to swear a second oath of non-disclosure of personal information. By law, the information I collected from people can never be disclosed to anyone for 72 years. That includes other Census Bureau employees and other government agencies such as ICE, the FBI, CIA, or any agency regardless of need to know. The person who swore me in pointed out the the law has no limitation on authority and no backdoor to access that information, which means if the President of the United States asked me the name of someone who lives at an address I went to, I legally cannot share that information and both myself and the President would be in violation of the law. But not only can I not share the information, the President has no legal mechanism in which to access your individual answers to the Census questionnaire and will not for 72 years after you answer it, at which point it becomes public information.
Yes, it’s 72 years because of life expectancy. And not so fun fact-FDR broke the law and used census info to round up Japanese.
It's only illegal if they don't intentionally let you get away with it
I've always wondered why it's 72 years. Maybe life expectancy when the law was passed?
This is the right answer. There’s no way you could really do anything productive but you sure as hell can have the White House chef make you an amazing breakfast!
The past year and a half has convinced me that astonishingly few Americans in any political label actually understand the basic ways in which our government works honestly.
Yeah but these dummies can vote.