If just sticking something in there was fun all by itself, periods would be our favourite week of the month. GIMME THOSE TAMPONS, BABY
When he sticks his tongue out and shakes his head back and forth like a goddamn kid whose convinced a bee has landed on them
Fucking me at an angle.... Sir, they do that so the camera can get the shot... My vagina is straight, please level yourself out.
Your vagina isn't fucking ikea furniture.
If he squeezes the boob too hard
Or chomps down on the nipple
"I like it rough"
Man: bites the clit
W h y
Right out of the gate, he spit on me to get me wet. Just straight up hawked a loogie and rubbed it in as soon as he had access. This was the start of foreplay and the end of the sex.
It gets wet on its own if you don't gross me out first
Directly on me, like he got down and went haaaaaaa-ptoo.
The thick, yellow back of the throat sinus drainage loogie.
Oh god. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Urgh I hate that. Every time I watch videos that have spitting in it I have to close out and find something else because I can always see the spit glistening on the actor’s genitals. I don’t know why people find it hot.
Fingering like he’s trying to manually rewind a VHS tape
Sometimes I like to blow on it like a game cartridge.
Edit: Don’t do this, you will die.
As long as you're not roleplaying the movie "UP" and trying to inflate it like a balloon. Apparently they don't like that... i've heard... online.
Manually rewinding a VHS is a delicate task
My personal best: the first time we had sex he immediately pulled out and came all over my face blinding me...didn’t ask. Guess I shoulda worn goggles if I’d known I was going for a swim
Don't forget your safety goggles
Had a guy cum in my eye by accident. We both made a tonne of safety goggle based jokes. He at least felt awful about it.
So what I'm getting from this thread is basically:
You don't always have to fuck her hard. In fact sometimes that's not right to do.
Sometimes you got to make some love. And fuckin' give her some smooches too.
Sometimes you’ve got to squeeze…
Sometimes you've got to say please...
Sometimes you got to say hey
Imma comment on behalf of a friend: bites the clit during oral. Just why?
I'd probably punch him. Just an automatic reaction.
One of my friends had her vagina tapped. Because the guy saw it in a porn. Kinda like a drum. She definitely did not enjoy it
Was she a sex cymbal?
What, like bongos? The whole time?
The acoustics were fantastic.
What were the repercussions like?
I read once where a woman said that a guy was fucking her doggie, but was sort of coming in from the side and not sticking all of his dick in. She asked him why he was doing it that way and he said he didn't know, it's just how he'd seen it done.
So, yeah, he was doing it that way in order to give the non-existent camera a clear view.
As a non native english speaker, I had to read the first sentence twice.
Absolutely insisted that if I 'just tried' anal, that I would like it. I didn't like it.
Insisted that I hadn't 'tried it' enough. I still didn't like it.
Insisted that if I just 'kept doing' it that I would grow to like it. I didn't.
Insisted that because I was doing it with him, that meant I liked it. Nope, I was doing it *for him*, not because I liked it.
Insisted that I was lying. Okay, since I didn't like it and I didn't want to be a liar; I stopped doing anal.
His begging for it, included whining, "I thought you *liked* it!"
ETA: Wow! Thank you for the awards- I didn't expect this much support!
This is somehow the grossest thing in this thread
The worst part is- I hear this from other guys too.
Have you tried anal?
Yeah, I tried it, I don't like it.
Maybe if you tried it again, you'd like it?
OMFG, then I have to tell them the whole above story.
I don’t understand the anal fascination. I don’t even bring it up.
Asked one guy why he wanted so bad- he said, "Because it feels good."
Okay, the reason I don't like it is, it doesn't feel good to me.
“Yeah, but if you tried it with me… it would be different. I guarantee you.”
When they're trying to play with you but they start rubbing kinda randomly on the pussy but they rub it like they're trying to get a really tough stain out. Guys if you rub so hard it bruises it really just hurts. Not enjoyable AT ALL
>they start rubbing kinda randomly on the pussy
Ive had a guy rub the corner that my inner upper thigh and vagina make, thinking it was my actual vagina.
They go to finger you and it feels like a competitive chicken stuffing contest.
But how am I supposed to show off my 6 years of competitive chicken stuffing training?
With an amazing meal afterwards!
.....just please wash your hands first
_Finger lickin’ good_
Never thought someone would compare fingering to chicken stuffing. (Be happy your man is not Mr.bean)
"Not wet yet? Let me jam my fingers in and start jackhammering and that will get what small wetness there is deep in there to come out!" I hate this more than words can say. This will cause pain for days or weeks for a girl with PFD.
When you give him a blow job and he asks if you came.
I laughed outloud at this
The second girl I had sex with refused to let me go down on her (we were both 19) because she was worried *I* would come all over the bedsheets.
Same girl told me, when I asked her if she came, she wouldn't know until the next day; if her panties suddenly got wet, that's how she'd know she came the night before.
Sex education in the 60's and 70's, before porn, was fairly pathetic.
That second part is leaving me with so many uncomfortable questions
I'm so glad we have those new rapid home orgasm test kits so women don't have to wait until the next day to know if they came.
Wow, that's just as bad as when my best friend told me about her ex-husband who thought a girl getting wet was her coming. I'm like: no... that's not the end of the party. That's the beginning! 🤣
That reminds me of when I stumbled across a porn channel one night as a child and saw a woman giving two guys handjobs until they came. I was like "ah, that must mean he's ready now".
When every comment on this thread is giving you flashbacks to that one ex
I am just reading these comments to make sure I am not that ex
No no no. Get this. I was giving a guy oral. And honestly I wasn’t really into it and I guess he wasn’t either cause he couldn’t cum and I just wanted to get it over with. This guy takes a video of me, and proceeds to watch it while I’m still doing what I’m doing, and that was what made him finish.
No literally I’ve had the same thing happen to me, I was actually like wtf.
Well that's some next level shit right here
*Takes out second phone, takes a video of him watching the video*
What in the absolute fuck?!
sounds like porn addiction.
“I’m more into “the idea” of getting head than the actual action “
"You like this dick? Yeah?"
* sad trumpet noises *
Expecting that I can have an orgasm just because he told me to. Taking a super long time to finish, or expecting oral for 45+ minutes (bonus points if they think they can just whip their dick out in the middle of hanging out and you’ll get down on your knees.)
lmao i was naive and didnt realize i was just a person to have sex with to him, and assumed that a normal relationship involved sucking dick pretty much every time I saw him. One time he just pressed my face towards his dick and I thought maybe this isnt right lol
Absolutely. I remember having that exact thought after we had a really serious talk where I was sobbing over how insecure I felt within our relationship, and how distant he was. And immediately after I stopped crying he grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. I remember feeling so used all the time.
When he's watching porn in bed with me and gets out his phone to watch his own porn.
"I've already seen this one."
"Sorry babe, I don't do re-runs, I already know the story and it's kind of an overrated video anyways"
1. Unrealistic and uncomfortable positions.
2. Making it a reflection of his skills to make me orgasm mutliple times.
3. Thinks that I secretly want and enjoy anal sex. Just no.
Getting straight into literally anything, no prep, no lube, no warning. Anal? Stick it right in. Penetration? Stick it right in. Fingers? Stick it right in AND tried to use his whole hand. This was literally from the ONE time I experimented with a dude.
For fucks sake, guys, **please communicate**. Don't just do things because you want to without consideration and consent, a woman's body isn't a toy you can handle any which way you'd like. Most times we know how to get you what you like, and we know the limit of our own bodies.
Also getting us wet? Yeah, that's not a choice. Doesn't matter if it "takes too long" or "you prefer not to do it."
EDIT: Oh, and breasts aren't meant to be squeezed like rubber balls. Handle them gently unless asked otherwise and please, for the love of god, don't slap them.
Thinks that anal is something everyone does in straight sex, and frequently requests it or worse, tries to just shove it in there (they edit out the prep and weeks of ass hole training, guys).
He shoves it in next thing he knows his cock is brown
If you put something up someone's butt, expect poop.
It's a universal truth.
Lack. Of. Foreplay.
This needs to be higher up. Also foreplay is not squashing my boobs together for ten seconds, then sticking your finger up my dry vagina. The whole body can be touched! Let her touch your body too! It feels nice!
Or thinking only tuning my nipples like the radio is gonna get me there
yeah, you gotta make the "ooooOOOWEEEEooOO"+buzzing sound effects, otherwise you're just wasting everyone's sexy tuning time.
Mainstream porn foreplay is so disappointing. The format is always
- 2 minutes of setup and innuendo
- 45 seconds of makeout and groping
- 10 minute blowjob scene
Even the actresses look resigned most of the time
Expecting my orgasm on demand. Personal best is 5 minutes solo. I can't imagine a partner, unless you're into headgames and want to do that fun, getting that without some serious foreplay and ramping up the smut.
As soon as a guy says “come for me,” I’m like “well now I’m nervous 🥺” and can’t get there.
haha oh I was having sex once when I was young. I was terrible, she was terrible, it was terrible. She said "I want you to cum for me" in a sultry tone almost trying to encourage me to do better, but more importantly get it over with, and for whatever fucking reason I came up with "Believe me I'm trying to" which may just be the worst response. What a fucking idiot I was lol
This made me laugh out loud. The image of a guy sweating and exasperated like he's trying to change a tyre while his girlfriend is being all sexy. Like a scene from Friends where Chandler and Joey have told Ross that he should jerk off a few times before a big date and now he can't perform in the moment.
I told him that I couldn’t squirt because my body simply doesn’t do that. He then told me “I’m going to f_nger you as hard as I can until you squirt, even if you tell me to stop. I dont care if it hurts, you’re going to squirt”
I never did squirt for those next 45 minutes, and it did very much hurt
What in the fuck
That sounds awful. Hope he's an ex with that take on consent.
He needs to watch porn *while* in bed with you.
>Stay still I want to balance this on your forehead
Probably wants you to put those VR Headsets for smartphones on but he puts the phone in upside down so he can see everything
I was dating this guy and he was a virgin when we got together. No shame there. But he barely got the basics down like "not hurting me" or "after the act don't collapse with your entire body weight onto me because I will fucking suffocate" (he was bigger than me and chubby) - yet he always wanted to try out more extreme positions and got really upset when I said "nu-uh dude, we need to get the basics down first"
then he would sulk and watch porn right next to me in bed and have this look on his face "look what you made me do", hell yeah, bitch I'm not your punching bag
when we broke up he went around, telling people that I didn't "put out enough for his taste" - my latest update on the guy is, since me he hasn't had one gf and is really upset why nobody will date him.
edit: we were both students in university, he was not an incel, he was half french - just overall a spoilt boi in the body of a grown man. he had an apartment in the same house his parents lived, but they took away his key to their home because he'd sneak in while they were not home and raid the fridge. he was 25.
I broke it off after 6 months because prior to that I spent 3y in a toxic relationship and with this guy now I could feel no warmth nor effort and I was so afraid to "waste" more time being with unhealthy people.
I'm in a much healthier mindspace now!
>when we broke up he went around, telling people that I didn't "put out enough for his taste"
Holy shit, this was my ex's reasoning when he molested someone because I refused to do the non-con shit he wanted me to do
Rubbing the clit like you’re trying to start a fire. *Please slow down.*
Also, spit is not lube!
I just had a horrible flashback to a high school boyfriend. It was like he was trying to scrub a stain out!
Ouch! Just reading that made me cringe in terror! That’s when you just have to say, “Okay god-dammit, I’ll do it myself!”
1. Expecting the woman to squirt because women on porn squirt oodles of liquid.
2. Fantasizing about other women in bed because he can't get aroused by me.
Thinks their dick is gods gift on earth, like right when it enters you you’re supposed to have some out of world experience .
Asks why you aren’t cumming instead of just trying to ask you what you like .
Jackhammer and wondering why you’re actually in physical pain from your cervix being probed at an unreasonable pace .
And they’re constantly saying “Come on!” as they pump away endlessly. Yes sir, I am definitely going to cum if you keep yelling at me to.
Way too many men think anal can just happen and be tried out of the blue. If you aren't willing to take the time and care about someone's well-being just go masturbate by yourself.
And they think it’s totally okay to go back and forth between ass and pussy! No! Go wash that dick! You’re gonna give me another fuckin UTI
In a similar vein, going from anal directly back to vaginal sex or rubbing fingers, toys, whatever has been up the ass anywhere near the urethra/vagina. NEVER do that!
I don't even know how they do it in porn, possibly by preemptively taking antibiotics or by using very agressive antibacterial douches, but the E. Coli bacteria that live in even the cleanest human ass are no joke. You may very well send your woman to the ER with a vaginal or urinary tract infection from hell.
Speaking from experience because partner wasn't thinking and did such a fun little stunt before I could stop him. A mere 48h later I was curled up in pain, running a high fever and straight up pissing blood. Got medical attention just before the infection reached my kidneys.
Often times anal in porn is prepared for by days of fasting/liquid diet, followed by enemas the day of the shoot to make sure everything is squeeky clean. They also use tons of lube and these are people who do regular anal training presumably. So yeah, very different from next Saturday night after the movie and dinner out of the blue into the poo.
It sounds like porn should come with a 'Do not try this at home'
Been there (except it went on for about a week. Because I went to out of hours emergency care and they gave me oral antibiotics that were never going to cut it and sent me on my way).
Ended up spending the next Friday night in the Emergency Care Ward with a fever of 39°c and a heart rate of over 120 and crying with the pain. When I text my now ex-partner to tell him I was in hospital he pulled a shocked-pikachu response.
ETA: I was also needing IV antibiotics, IV fluids and IV paracetamol just to bring the fever down!
The fingerblasting. STOP IT. Please go slow and gentle, give attention to my clit, don’t just shove your fingers straight into my hole and drill like there’s no tomorrow.
I’ve had someone finger me so aggressively, it was like he was looking for loose change in the couch cushion.
Is this a porn thing or just a general "I have no idea what I'm doing" thing?
They try to do dirty talk but just end up sounding gross and ruining the mood, trying stuff they saw in a porn and finding out the position isn't a good fit for you guys due to the size of you and them. Something that may look hit in the porn you watched may be really awkward when you physically try it out. Slapping the vagina is not fun it does not feel good it. They take it way to seriously, me and my partner have has laughing fits because of weird noises that can be heard because lots of moving. Sex is much more enjoyable when the person you are with is someone you can be yourself around and that you can joke around with. And I'll say it again slapping the vagina isn't that hot and it just sounds like you're slapping someone across the face with a fish stop it. Foreplay is important for both parties not just you. You should also care about your partner getting off not just you getting off.
Wait is slapping the vagina a thing in porn?? I thought it was a joke at first but you are the third person to comment on it
I did it to my first real girlfriend and she slapped my balls back, so that was the end of that technique
Porn positions are designed for the camera, not pleasure. Really, most of them are that awkward, someone who doesn't do it often would most likely cramp up pretty quickly.
I met a guy at a wedding, and he was part of the family on one side, and we spent some time doing wedding related errands and such. This guy had a big bottle of oxycodone he was constantly swigging from due to a back injury. I asked what happened, and he goes into this long and detailed story about lifting a planter on the patio... then he cuts himself off and says, "aw fuck it, we're friends now so I'm just going to say it. The sex felt good so I ignored the pain, and fucked up my back. There. I said it."
So that's how adults make friends haha
Calls you by a pornstars name on accident :(
What happened afterwards?
And *not* by snu snu.
Most men don’t realize VERY few women cum from vaginal penetration alone. The clitoris is the most effective easiest most enjoyable orgasm. Penetration + pussy rubbing in a tight circle w a set pace is heavenly. Though I usually can make myself cum if I’m on top cowgirl so it’s rubbing.
Just please make an effort to GENTLY touch/rub the clit at anytime during sex and you’re doing better. Also! Touch boobs/nipples during sex too please! Rub your hands down the body don’t just fuck w/o touching them. And a man can moan a lil too it’s v hot
EDIT: I’m glad there are people commenting that their partner in particular doesn’t like this general advice— we love to see communicating partners!
But to the men saying their girl can cum with penetration alone—cool. But you still should try adding in the clit. It’s a little bundle of nerves that extends into the vaginal canal (it’s the tip of an ice burg) that feels out of this world if stimulated honestly even for 45 seconds at a time.
Also: once you notice it you’d be surprised how many men don’t rub their hands all over the women in porn (blocking the camera maybe?) but the more skin contact you have, the more oxytocin will be released for both of ya.
Some men don't moan because theyre concentrating on not nutting lol
Facts. My SO gets so mad because I'm quiet when we do the deed. Thinking I'm not enjoying. I constantly remind her yes I am enjoying it, but I also don't want to be done in a min-half.
Edit: Dang didn't think this would blow up the way it did. Thanks for all the humorous comments and the upvotes!
Just tell her the truth, you are doing complex algebra in your head. Girls find that sexy, especially if you vocalize it.
He’s moved on to calculus by now
In a dirty voice recording one guy once sent to me, he tried to explain how he would tease me.
He began with, "Well, first, I would remind you of your pussy flaps."
What the hell does that even mean? Like, is he going to just look down there with a magnifying glass or something, and then look up at me and say, "Yep, you have pussy flaps"?
Also, please do not use the word "pussy flaps."
My wife got a message once that said "tell me how you seduce yourself before you tickle your uterus"
You really shouldn't have sent that to her.
"yeah you like that you dumbo pussy having mutherfucker"
Dayummm girl, those oyster flaps lookin fresh enough to SHUCK
"Oh yeah baby, you've got labia majora"
I'm holding in my laughter at work so hard I'm afraid I'm going to throw up. This would kill me if it happened in person. I would drop dead.
My friend once told me she slept with a guy that kept saying “have it”
Edit: For clarity yes we’re from England. Also it was pronounced ‘av’ it.
"Have it. Have it. Yes Thyne quaint mistress have it. Take it. Yes. Yes. Quality sport."
When you’re so horny you jump between the 1300s and 1920s
“Dear Heavens, I’m arriving!!”
"I'm coming, I'm coming. And I've conquered."
"Have it have it have it have it-"
*"I've had enough!"*
"I'm gonna fuck your fucking fanny off, you twat!"
Do you put the balls in?
Soon, your belly will be ripe with my seed
Him treating me like a piece of origami paper
When they expect you to finish in 5 minutes or less. Like, we just started! Let me enjoy it!
Relentless pounding. Surprisingly, some of us do not enjoy having our cervix pounded into our throats. Slow is good. If we want it fast, we’ll ask!
I'm plagiarizing this from somewhere, but it's a quote that always pops into my head in these threads: "Enthusiasm is appreciated, cervical bruising is not."
Rubbing clit like you're trying to get a stain out of carpet
Rubbing is a awful way of getting stains out of a carpet, blotting is the preferred method.
So... blot the clit?
Also cut your goddamn fingernails
And clean them for goodness sake
They expect you to squirt like a lawn sprinkler when they start fingering you like a jack hammer (no lube of course).
That’s why I always cut them short. I never know when I’m going to have to finger someone.
Always wear a condom just in case
Sex can happen any second now
He stuck his fingers straight in and I said you can’t do that you need to play with the bean first and he said well I prefer it this way…
Him: youre supposed to suck not bite!
Her: i prefer it this way
Uh-uh, Dracula dont suck. Dracula do the scrape and lick.
What a place for a Billy and Mandy reference lmao.
> he said well I prefer it this way…
Who the fuck talks like this, especially during sex??? (as in, I don't care how you feel. I have to do it my way)
Guys that watch too much porn and think women are just toys to fulfill their fantasies with. There has never been a more indicative line of this.
1. He tries to bend me into really weird positions that may look cool, but aren't enjoyable for either of us.
2. He thinks he needs to jackhammer me really hard.
3. He thinks all women are size queens and therefore tries to shove 3 or even 4 fingers inside me. Ow, ow, ow! Don't ever just assume it's ok to do that!
The first guy I slept with, I told him I had never penetrated during masturbation. This mf stuck 4 fingers inside me and jackhammered because he wanted me to not be "tight" since his dick is sensitive. Alas I was a virgin so I didn't understand if it was right or wrong and I was told it would be painful
I feel like people should stop telling women their first time will be painful.
The last one made my pussy cringe, ouch
Tney try to pound you in full speed from the start. Like hello ? ? Foreplay please ?
Also when they expect you to be extremely vocal like in porn and use that baby voice. Yeaaahhhhh yesssss and make a crying face.
If you are not doing this as a woman, something is off in the sex as per them.
That's actually a huge reason why I don't like "mainstream porn". I prefer the stuff that seems more natural, home made, and even romantic/sensual. I hate when the guy pulls out to switch positions and *she's still moaning.* Like wtf feels that good while just rolling from your knees onto your back, girl?!
>wtf feels that good while just rolling from your knees onto your back, girl?!
The fact that there's some respite from the made up shit.
>When he sucks on your tits, trying to get as much in his mouth as possible, and then pulls his head back so you can hear the "pop" of the suction breaking while he inhales super loudly, over and over and over.
This is gold! I would lose my shit while laughing.
Maybe he just tried to kill you
He treats the clitoris like a doorbell and expects you to squirt a solid jet all the way across the room
Everyone knows it is the Devil’s doorbell.
I'm sorry but I got this image of some poor oaf pushing it over and over again like he's in a hurry and I laughed so hard.
Or goes straight for the clit like it's a turn on/power button. How about you warm up with some of the erogenous zones outside of the genitals first?
You're not supposed to poke it when you deliver pizza? No wonder Papa Johns fired me.
Lmao - once had a friend describe a guy she was dating as the kind of guy that easily confused clits and washing boards
And that has always stuck with me
(My grandma would actually use washing bards to do her laundry so that mental image still kills me)
That anal takes no prepping and every woman should be happy when she's "surprised" with it.
I knew someone like that. He once told us (a group of guys) that if a girl consents to sex then she is consenting to anal. We all basically shouted him down, saying that anal requires a whole new permission slip to go on that field trip.
When he’s fingering you so hard it just hurts
He literally asked me to "make faces", like tongue out and eyes to the ceiling, and scream with a baby voice something about his cock. I found it a really humiliating request and refused.
"You like that you lemon stealing whore????"
I’ll do you one better with a Reddit classic:
[“You like that you fucking…”](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Now there’s a reference I’ve not heard in a long time.
When they do the wakka wakka on your clit like they're a DJ. That shit hurts and is an immediate turn off.
Edit: holy moly, thank you all for the rewards. This got way more attention then I expected!
Ok sorry but im laughing
It's alright..just that every guy should know the difference between the pressure required to summon a genie and stuffing a chicken
See, when I read "wakka wakka", I thought of pac man.
I thought about Fozzie Bear
Slapping the vagina
SLAP THE BASS!
He tells me he's "gonna make me squirt"
I am not a starter Pokemon
I’ve read some bangers in this thread alone, but this takes the cake.
Just piss on him he wont know the difference.
My God. Just no.
He used to say the weirdest things to me. One of my girls later told me that it’s ‘porn talk’.
I hope you didn't take it to heart, GreatBigWhore.