You’ve been kidnapped and the last person you saw on television is the person that saves you. Who is it?
By - robocop_z
He would spook the kidnapper by calling them raw.
He will fuck the kidnapper raw
"Your asshole is so raw it's making beef tartare look well done!"
sending this to someone randomly
yo what the fuck
In other words, he’ll roar at them
You call that a fucking kidnapping, you donkey?! That is a fucking disgrace!
I read that in his exasperated slow voice 😂
Wow, Walter White!! These kidnappers are in for a nice surprise then
Mine's Saul Goodman so I'm feeling pretty good too.
You are not in danger,you are the danger.
Ashoka Tano, I'm pretty safe
Imagine being tasked with kidnapping a target and you get them to a drop-off. You’re guarding the target, and you hear a noise
Is that a fu-
It’s cut short by the sort of digital-metallic noise you’d expect from a sci-fi movie.
The singular lightbulb in the room shatters. You hear another noise, but this one sounds more like a thud.
You see a guard get slammed against the wall by something invisible, and then quiet. Just, nothing.
You hear the same metallic noise that claimed one of your cohorts. You turn around and see what looks like a... no... it can’t be...
A lightsaber. A fucking lightsaber.
You see a second one ignite and realize how fucked you really are. You feel the heat for a split second on your neck, like laying down in the sun, only magnified 1000x, before your head slides off your body.
Sounds lovely to watch. Honestly, Ahsoka along with the likes of Superman, Lucifer, Rick Sanchez etc. is one of the biggest overkills here, though still considerably weaker than the ones I named (spoiler for Lucifer, >!who became God, so he's the biggest overkill here by an infinite margin!<).
Omg pretty safe is an understatement. She gonna feed them their own asses!
Bro i got anakin
Is he pre or post ROTS? Because that changes a lot.
Peter griffin so I’m pretty much fucked
he’s gonna do a wacky cutaway or something and end up killing you
Peter: This is just as bad as the time I tried to save that kid
Reminds me of the time i was sus.
Well no cuz the post says the last person you saw saves you so it's a save no matter what maybe you walk out with a broken leg and a black eye and theres like 82 planes that crashed all around you killing thousands, but you get saved
Ok he gets out of house then he puts u/Ethan-J-T in the peterang and Ethan fucking dies
Not if you are kidnapped by a giant cock
You either die or end up in the hospital for the rest of your life, either way it’s ending badly
Mordecai and Rigby
A bunch of baby ducks, send em to the moon
Soda machine that doesn't work, send em to moon
I’m feeling pretty confident.
Get ready for a big speech though.
Twelve is coming to save me. Attack eyebrows engaged!
Ten for me: floof the hair for maximum power!
I wouldn't. People tend to die around The Doctor. Like a lot. Seriously.
Remember when The Doctor said "Just this once, everybody lives!"? He wasn't kidding.
Non-regular cast members have about the life expectancy of a mayfly.
Even the regular companions have a rough time of it. Since the show's revival most of the long term companions have had an unpleasant end to their story.
literally everytime he goes on a one-off adventure during an episode that ISNT multiple parts long, atleast 1 character dies. usually the character he gets the closest to.
Even in Classic Doctor Who, something like a third of the companions either died or got left behind in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Roughly a quarter of **the universe** dissolves during 4th Doctor's final story. As the heroes are watching.
Nobody comments on it.
I've got Troy and Abed as Doctor Spacetime and Constable Reggie.
He’s coming for me too. Mine is the 10th though.
We are working through a full rewatch. It was on when I made the comment. Episode was “The Day of the Doctor”. Does that mean I get 3 Doctors since they are technically the same person?
>Does that mean I get 3 Doctors
No, all 13!
Sebastian Vettel I think.
He'd do a good job of it and make sure you're ok afterwards I'm sure.
I think the last person I saw may have been Toto Wolff.....probably ok until he finds out I'm a Max fan and then god help me
Depends which Seb saves me, he might spin the getaway car.
Lmao you are right, pray for today's!
Better getaway driver than Timo Glock so there's a win
Lewis for me. Normally I'd feel quite #blessed but I'm worried he'll be a bit distracted at the moment...
Welp, looks like we were both saved by seb lol
Your name's not Brett, is it?
Nope unless Brett is a 30 year old woman from England
You can never tell these days. I once met a gal named Dave. Was impolite to ask how she got her name, but I did verify that it was her legal name (was checking IDs at an event).
Yeah baby. Mine’s Bob and Louise Belcher. But I was thinking if HJB could morph into Archer, then I thought eh, Archer doesn’t really care about too many people other than himself.
According to the show Archer was able to run the restaurant, meaning that Archer possesses Bob’s skills. Therefore Bob should possess Archer’s skills.
That still only makes your odds like 40/60 but if Louise is there then that may bump you up to 50/50
I feel like it’s easier to cross train a spy to make burgers than the other way around. But I’m not an expert.
Chloe Decker and Lucifer
Ooh that reminds me I’ve gotta watch the new season!
Wait it's out?????
Think it came out a little over a week ago! BINGE BABY BINGE
I'm only 3 episodes in and it's really good so far!
Does netflix count?
Buffy Summers. I'm I pretty good hands.
Buddy, you found it
Now come out with your hands up
We've got you surrounded
That special was incredible!
Me too lol. Inside is funny as fuck. Not as good as What and Make Happy but for what he had, great!
Some days I hope Shrek rescues me just to turn my asshole into his personal swamp
I hate how vivid this is
I wasn't expecting that turn not gona lie
jake peralta cool cool cool cool cool
Arnold scwarsnegger aka terminator
“Get to tha choppa! Hurry!”
Mulder and Scully. Too late, I've been abducted by aliens that is actually the United States government.
Also usually the first 2-3 people who get into trouble in an episode die and they only get things sorted out later on.
Michael Westen. I think I’ll be ok.
He used to be a spy you know
You know spies. A bunch of bitchy little girls.
hey, is that your mom again?
Until he got burned.
Now he helps normal people
Sean Bean, yeah he could do that.
He might die saving you though
I don't want that to happen, shit I better try and save myself in that case.
I would not expect Kate McKinnon from SNL to save me
SNL here too, feeling pretty doomed expecting Tim Meadows to save me.
The guy on the Hot Ones hot wings show.
He'll research your entire life and your kidnapper's entire operation and free you with his knowledge.
Edit: And weapons grade hot sauces
John Wick. I guess I can sit comfortably and wait for the blood shed to ensue
Don't you have to die first
He’s not a dog
You don't know that
Give me proof
I think you win
I don't know on this one... he never had the makings of a varsity athlete.
Phoebe from friends.
Derek from The Good Place. I'm screwed but it'll be funny
Sir David Attenborough, he'll talk to kidnappers in calm soothing voice to let me go.
The Derry Girls gang
They'll fuck around and distract your captor so you can sneak out. You're good.
Oh god you might be doomed
Homer Simpson don't you DARE abandon me for donut!
Sorry he got distracted by Duff Beer
Fucken hell. gilly from game of thrones. that moron is going to die before I do
You think you have it bad? I got S1 Sansa fucking Stark
Sean Connery. I'm saved
Fuck... just watchet a program about some archaeologist digging up some bones in pompeii.. i wish someone finds me before that..
You’re doomed but your story will live on.
Lucille Bluth. As long as she likes me more than GOB I'm good
I’m sure she’ll get Gene Parmesan to find you.
Bob obenkirk on Nobody
As long as he doesn't try telling you his back story...
Cast of Its Always Sunny. Yup im dead
No hesitation! No surrender! No man left behind!
What about the Trash Man?
Yeah, mine is specifically Dennis. He's not gonna give one shit that I'm kidnapped. He might even want to take or give some pointers to the kidnappers.
Phil Dunphy. Pretty sure he can save me.
Yup, him and Luke for me. It'll be a fun rescue.
See if he can bring Gloria along as extra security. That woman would not fuck around.
I'll definitely be ok, I'm not worried
I'm currently rewatching "The Falcon and the Winter Soldier", so I'm pretty confident I'll be fine with Bucky and Sam coming to rescue me.
Lucifer Morningstar. I like my odds.
Unless you’re Mr. Saidoutbitch and then your situation probably just got worse.
Rick Sanchez fuck yeah I'm gonna live
Rick is just as likely to kill everyone on a Planet than to save you.
Remember that time he tried to fix a fuckup with a love potion and fucked up a planet so much he decided to just leave.
With Rick is genuinely 50/50 and he is much more dangerous.
Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago
The fucking New York Yankees
It's probably the Red Sox too, I'm thinking the combined teams in the game I'm watching
Master Shake, let’s be honest I’m gonna be saved.
You’re fucking doomed bro. I’d trust Carl over shake.
'Yeah, like Im gonna risk my life saving you from these kidnappers, meat man. That's exactly what Im gonna do.'
Appa from Kim's Convenience
Ok, see you
You will look fabulous after being saved as well.
Man im better off dead because i watched Nickelodeon.
Ok hell yeah you're gonna live. Not because wholesome 100, because he's a total badass in every movie he's in.
My local news weather guy. He might do ok, he's young and wiry.
That’s, well, that’s complicated. I hope we find your corpse.
At least he’ll confuse the enemy??
Jake Peralta. I will most definitely get unkidnapped.
Oh fuck oh shit!
Boban Marjanovic, the 7’6 lovable Serbian center from the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks. He’s a gentle giant but he also could easily be a secret superhero, so I think I’m in good hands.
Shawn Spencer. I’ll be fine... probably.
The weather man?
Columbo. I will get home but he will pop back in to say 'just one more thing'.
Master chief I'm lucky
Melissa McCarthy. They can keep me
The dude. Couldn't pick a better savior
Hopper the police officer from Stranger Things
He’s got experience with this so I actually might be fine
Gerard Butler. Lucky me 😂
Which one? Badass from Law Abiding Citizen? Badass from 300? Badass from Olympus Has Fallen? Or wussy Greenland Gerard Butler?
At least I'll know he'll survive.
A few DEA agents (my dad is currently watching some DEA show based in airports and I'm sitting on the couch across from him reading a book).
We're rewatching the Good Place. The last character I saw was Michael... This might be bad. ...
Last thing I watched was the series "Sherlock" so I'm saved
Leslie Knope- happy days!
Rick Sanchez to the rescue!
Rodney from only fools and horses. Its on tv in the background whilst I’m scrolling. So I’m probably screwed
You would be fucked I’d be honest 😅
The planet express crew ya and nah
The main male character in YOU. I don't think I'm very safe....
He's probably the one that kidnapped you 💀
Lucifer from the show of the same name, I think I’ll be fine
Special Agent Gibbs. I think I’ll be ok
I’m pretty much dead
The Penguins from Madagascar.
Vince McMahon. Death might be the better option…
Technoblade, yall im good
Tommy Shelby lmao my kidnappers can go and write themselves off at this point
"You have two choices comrade… death or gulag?"
"Very well comrade. You have chosen death… by gulag."
Hell yes, Yennefer of Vengerberg can save me any day of the week
Goku so it’s a 50/50 chance of survival
Christopher Lloyd as Dr. Emmett Brown. Makes me wonder if my kidnapper is Biff.
The Law and Order TOS crew. Honestly, it's about 50/50 if I survive. Kidnap victims don't have a high rate of survival on that show.
Karen Walker (Megan Mullally) from Will & Grace. lol
Well guys, it's been nice knowing you.