How the F do you make friends as an adult if you don't drink?
By - qwertyband
Hobbies, community involvement, through work.
If you like doing things with your hands(wood/metal work/fabrics, etc...), electronics, or programming, hacker/makerspaces are great, they usually have themed events and classes, as well as social events, that's where I made my current friends when I moved to a new city.
*searches for my city*
*sad 3d printer noises*
Double check nearby universities! They might not be listed in the city google but a lot of uni’s have spaces
I'm 35. In the last 10 years I can honestly say I have 1 or 2 friends that I've kept close contact with. I started getting back into collecting sports cards right before the pandemic hit. Thru sharing my passion thru IG I have made probably at least 20 (online) friends and a few local friends now that I talk to every day and not just about our favorite hobby. Shit is weird.
Yep get really into a hobby. Go to meet ups and conventions of the hobby.
Kinda difficult currently with COVID since it’s canceled and shut down a lot of conventions and meet ups but hopefully once COVID gets under control they start up again.
Borrow tools and actually give them back
I've got to consider you a top tier friend *before* I'm lending you any tools.
A neighbor borrowed one of my cordless drills, and actually gave it back. However, I won't lend him any more tools. Why? He thought the drill was too dirty, so he cleaned it. *In a dishwasher.*
Edit: Inquiring minds in the comments wanted to know what happened next.
First of all – yes, he washed it with the battery, so the battery vented. That's probably the only reason why he admitted to such unconventional cleaning methods… *he had to come clean.*
He offered to buy me a replacement drill, but I've asked for a cash value instead. Bought myself a set of replacement bearings, new battery pack, then blasted a chuck with rust inhibitor and now I have a "like new" drill plus quite a bit of spare change. And a neighbor that always cleans his gardening tools in a dishwasher.
You’ve got to be kidding. Why would any adult think it’s okay to put an electric tool in a dishwasher? How did they make it that far in life being that dumb??
> How did they make it that far in life being that dumb??
This is the question of all times… but ours especially.
Stupid people of Reddit. How did you make it this far being as dumb as you are?
I’m very very sneaky sir.
I once almost burned my house down because I was trying to deep fry something and ran out of oil. So my dumb brain just thinks...oh, I'll just make the oil deeper by mixing it with water.
People are very dumb. Myself included.
Have to have experience to get a job and a job to get experience, am I right?
All of these are great, I just want to touch on number 4 as I am a bartender in a place that’s *typically* very popular.
You’re more than welcome to hang out at a bar and not drink. Thrilled to have you, truly. You’re gonna be easy to manage and I know you’re not gonna get wasted.
That being said, club soda costs very little and you probably get free refills.
So if you go to a bar and just drink club soda, make sure you tip your bartender appropriately. If you hang out for two hours and have 5 club sodas you’ll get a bill for like $4. This means the 20% rule no longer applies. Try to throw your bartender a buck each time they bring you another club soda. It’ll only cost you a few dollars and no bartender will scoff at $1 per drink. They’ll be thrilled.
If you’re hanging out at a bar within a restaurant, the bartender probably makes more money off of people dining at the bar. If someone wants to sit at my bar for dinner and can’t because Steve is here sitting with his club soda I might ask Steve to stand up. I love Steve and I want him here but this other guy wants a steak and a bottle of wine and that’s good real estate.
I love my bar regulars who don’t drink and they keep me and my bottom line in mind.
So come hang at my bar!
I started inviting people from online dating sites who said they were looking for friends to play dnd. Some of them were actually looking for friends.
I also started a fencing group in my area and advertised it in relevant Facebook groups. A few people showed up and now we occasionally do things that aren't fencing related.
You guys do chain link or privacy, usually?
This is what popped into my head first as well, just a bunch of dudes standing around a field driving posts in the ground just getting to know each other hahaha
You laugh but this is what rural landowners and farmers do periodically. Good fences make good neighbors and friends. I grew up rural and was involved in many group fencing projects.
"Good fences make good neighbors and friends" sounds like something hank hill would say
"good fences make for good neighbors" is a very old saying. it basically means "keep your shit and problems on your property, and i'll do likewise"
It’s a Robert Frost quote from his poem Mending Wall
It's older than the Robert Frost poem. His poem is a commentary/criticism of the expression, meaning it must have already been well known in his time.
I literaly build fences for a living and thats exactly what we do. Shoot the shit while driving posts and hanging pickets
No love for picket?
Cedar and treated is SO expensive right now.
>Some of them were actually looking for friends.
I laughed way too hard at this
For the others, the role playing session turned very interesting.
I've made quite a few friends from online dating over the years, we get on but there's no attraction :p
How do you pivot from strangers to dating match to friends? All I get is people I met and never hear from again.
In my experience it usually involves going on an actual date with them. Some times it's just not there for a relationship but you can still appreciate them as a person / friend. Other times we end up following each other on social media and becoming friends through that.
Way back when a certain site had analytics published and insightful blogs, it came out that dating - in the main - varies by location. My major metro is full of young, ambitious 20 somethings who’ve moved across country to “make it.” That’s a different mindset than someone who has lived their life in a community and instead views the app as a way to meet across the “sliding doors” - the commuter that’s always just 15 minutes later than you, the people who walked on the other side of the street, etc.,.
So, while it may be possible, the likelihood and frequency in, say, St Paul versus New York City are going to be way, way different.
I used to live in a small town too. The online dating pool is like 40 people. And you know several of them
Can confirm lol
I live in a small town with 5,000 people and it really doesn't matter which dating app I go on, I can look through everyone near me in about 2 minutes and then every match after that is at least 75miles away.
Or like a lot of communities: related to them.
Had a cousin who lived in a small farming community that her her family had lived in for generations. Puberty hit and she would see a boy she liked at school. She quickly learned she needed to double check the name quickly with grandma to see if they were related.
I grew up as an outsider in a community like that. Three main families had inhabited the area for 150 years, and were so intermarried, it was almost impossible for the kids to not be related.
I'm pretty sure there's an app for people in Iceland to see if they're related before they hook up
One of my best friends is from an island and the local library has a big history of the island/genealogy project ongoing, which is officially there for making sure the history of the island doesn’t get lost, but apparently the main thing people actually use it for it checking whether they’re related to someone they want to have sex with.
One of my good friends came from Tinder. We met for 2 dates. After 2nd date I asked him what's up, he said he is not attracted physically at all, but he likes hanging out, i liked hanging out with him as well, it's really nice and fun and relaxed. So from then on we hung out in many restaurants and trips abroad together as friends, he's a fun buddy to do fun stuff with. Now we're planning to double date with our SO's, maybe even a couples trip together.
On dating apps I always did a "fun" first date.
Go karts, top golf, small concert.
If you go right at, dinner, movie, fuck. You won't really learn much about each other.
You might meet someone fun, and if not, you can duck out and they can find a new group.
My approach was always Coffee or Happy Hour for a first meet. It's not even a date, just two people (who are in the market to meet someone) having a conversation and seeing if there is potential chemistry.
This was when I was single in my early 40's after a divorce.
I was up front; a first meeting would be the same as if we were both in line at Starbucks and we struck up a conversation in line, got our coffee and kept talking. This was one way people met in the great before online dating.
Advantages to this approach, even if you buy, you are out less than $20. You aren't locked into a long activity if the spark isn't there. Dinner you are captive till the meal is done. It reduces the pressure of being a 'date', but you know that the other person is (likely) available if things go well.
The most important thing (I think) is that you go into it with zero expectations and with only the goal of spending some time getting to know another human being.
> The most important thing (I think) is that you go into it with zero expectations and with only the goal of spending some time getting to know another human being.
Great take away!
I've got the talk "I'm not interested in that way ..." And just asked if they wanted to be friend. Then I've kept contact and creeped my way into a friendship.
This only works if nothing major happend.
I'll be honest, if you and your friends fence, why wouldn't you just be constantly sword fighting?
What does sword fighting have to do with buying stolen goods?
I've had so much trouble trying to fence this stolen rapier. People just keep trying to fight me.
A few years back I wanted to get into fencing. Looked up fencing with my mom. Got a bunch of companies that will fence your yard.
Related: I drink a fuck ton and I don't have many friends.
Me too! I can't believe I finally found you, friend!
Yes theres 3 of us! What can we do to make this official?
Room for one more?
Yes! OMG GUYS! We're like 4 friends for life now!
Be sure to only talk once a month like true friends.
*A few times a year like most friends?
I'll message you only when Facebook reminds me it's your birthday, like actual friends.
Do you have a basement? its easier to keep your friends if you lock them in one.
Living in his basement. Can confirm this.
Am currently in recovery and have absolutely no fucking friends
4 years into recovery (heroin) and zero friends. Moved to a new state to get clean and just talk to family and people at work. But I'm in my 30s and had a really fun, robust social life until my late 20s when I somehow got into heroin. So I don't feel like I'm missing anything though it'd be nice to hang.
If I went to NA/AA I'm sure I'd find friends but there's too much relapsing in those rooms and I'm sick of people I know dropping dead
A little over 5 years clean from heroin here. Made some close acquaintances in NA early on, but so many of my friends have died that I think my brain just doesn't let me get close enough to anyone to be friends. I quit going to NA after a few years clean and while I greatly appreciate the support I got from the rooms early on, I just kind of drifted away from it.
It's weird. I've always been a really sociable person and I had so many friends in high school. I went to prison for a while in my early twenties and my cell mate, a guy in his 60s, told me that you can only count your true friends on one hand and you can find out who they are by calling them from prison and seeing if they answer. Only two of them answered and they're both dead now. I still sometimes talk to a guy I was really close with for most of my childhood, but we don't hang out or anything.
I have a girlfriend and I play Destiny online with a few people pretty regularly. They're probably the closest thing I have to friends. I just don't see myself ever making new friends and, honestly, I'm not even very sad about that. Maybe it was all the time in jails, prison, and rehabs, but I just kind of learned to be okay alone. I didn't get any other choice, y'know?
Shit can be extremely fucked. Trying to get sober myself. If you get lonely and want to chat or play video games dm me.
You see someone doing something you do or like to do or are curious, hit em with a compliment and then with a follow up question. Met some of my best friends because i liked the colon they were wearing hahaha.
EDIT: COLOGNE. keeping the error. i am not myself today.
edit: damn you people and the unrelenting colon comments.
edit: thank you for running the train on me with rewards
I love the smell of your colon, wanna be friends?
Works for dogs
My dog sniffs other dogs and then is *extremely* insulted when they try to sniff her. She’s basically like “WTF this dog is crazy!”
Macie, you literally sniffed their butt. Every time she walks away with a surprised Pikachu face that they attempted to sniff hers.
She has lots of “Do as I say not as I do,” views about the world, though.
My dogs have some interesting dog logic too.
Dogs be like
The trick is to be positive, always be in a prostate.
I find offering free superbowel tickets draws alot of potential friends.
As long as you're not an asshole, you should be fine
What if they end up being a piece of shit though?
Just tell them they need to spray more colon because they stink.
Pretty clever! Snuck that one in the back door!
If you're not sure what to say you've just got to sphincter yourself "What would I want someone to say to me?"
I too appreciate a fashionable colon.
The colon they're wearing?!?!?!??!
Don't you wear a : ?
"Hey, this is crazy, but I like your colon! Call me?"
Carly Rae Jepson's actual song, the one we all heard was the radio edit
Sweet colostomy bag, bro!
Username checks out.
The colon they were wearing, eh?
As an IBS sufferer, I get your comment more than you think.
A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence ;)
The closest I have gotten to making new friends is through:
1- My Kids sports - just hanging with the other parents or coaching teams - I don't consider any of them to be FRIENDS, but we enjoy hanging out and shooting the breeze at games, but once sports are over - I'll never see them again, but if I run into them randomly, I'm sure we'll chat for a minute - solid acquaintances.
2 - Video games - just having a regular group of randoms in a server regularly is nice, I play a racing game and the others are typically all from other countries, but text chat is fun and its at least interaction with people I don't live with.
If I really wanted FRIENDS - I'd probably have to go back in time and do a better job keeping in touch with my old group of buddies (beyond here is an edit due to "its never too late to keep in touch reply)...
edit- yes, I agree its usually never too late, but when you LITERALLY don't even know what to say, or talk about with an old friend, who was a very good friend, and you are hoping that you can just talk about THEIR kids sports...I think it is pretty damn late. But this happens to millions of people, its normal, and I don't dwell, or recommend anyone else dwell on it. My parents (mid 70s) moved into a 55+ housing community (houses not assisted living) and they've made 'friendly' with neighbors, play cards, 'pop in' for a drink on occasion, so maybe it gets easier later.
And Im not really 'sad' about not having friends, Im a bit 'to myself' and enjoy short earnest conversations with the many people I've gotten to know.
> 1- My Kids sports
Maybe because my wife and I are insufferable assholes but we can’t stand most of the parents of the kids on my son’s baseball team. They’re like carbon copies of the worst Karen you’ve ever met.
Youth sports is a super weird place.
If it isn’t city league , like any kind of travel, it. gets worse.
Sounds like your kid has a bright future ahead as a container ship captain!
There's a very narrow window where you can land a joke like this and you did it.
You just really needed to get that out didn’t you lol. I laughed though.
Coached travel soccer for years. Every parent is convinced their son is Messi. Out of hundreds of kids I've coached, 8 have played in a legitimate professional setting (MLS or Europe). I explained to one parent: "Mam, I'm trying to drag your kid to a JUCO scholarship, professional soccer isn't on his radar atm unless we see significant development" in response to her questioning regarding his professional prospects. He was the worst defender on our roster.
The only thing my coach ever told my mom was "He's a great goalie, part of the reason we're at 0 losses, but he needs to learn to block the ball with something other than his face."
I was really working on heading at the time but I was very bad at it. I thought I could get better by blocking the goal with it. I was a stupid kid, but I was a decent goalie.
That statement gets brought up alot at family gatherings.
Mr. Sterling it's an honor meeting you sir!!!
People without kids who gripe about “everybody gets a trophy these days, we’re too easy on them” have never seen the reality of youth sports. That participation trophy shit is over after U6. After that it’s pushy parents screaming from the sidelines, verbally abusive coaches, and pressure to be the elite athlete that will snag a free ride to college and validate them as parents.
This is why I quit reffing
Maybe next year.
video games can actually be awesome for finding friwnds! maybe it's a texas advantage but as my games have servers for the south you don't have to look too far to find a nice person an hour or less away
Have you considered joining a cult?
Joining a DnD group is basically joining a cult without all the sacrificing animals
>without all the sacrificing animals
Your DM sounds atypically boring.
He was probably just meaning to say they sacrifice people instead, knowing D&D groups.
My mother told me to stay away from that Devils & Demons stuff. Nice trick, Satan.
Devil's and Demons sounds like a diablo themed D&D game that I'd happily play.
Soo uhhh just curious but how does one find a dnd group.... one that doesnt legit murder me for noobness?
Local game shops. Half my table had never played before they sat down with me. Most DM's LOVE noobs, since they will come up with some of the wildest ideas.
I've been running for 36 years, and my best players are always the ones that are new, because they aren't stuck in the rut of what they think can be done.
While you are joking, my group laughingly refers to ourselves as a cult.....
You make more money as a leader, but you have more fun as a follower
Join clubs, meet ups, activities, hobbies, work, volunteer, online, or simply go out to socialize during the day or early evenings
> or simply go out to socialize during the day or early evenings
How does this work practically? You can't go up to people in a cafe and join in, or introduce yourself to people in the street.
Edit: Lots of people saying you can go up to a person in the street and be friends. I know we are paranoid, but I think if somebody did that to me I'd expect them to murder me later.
[Meetup.com](https://Meetup.com) has a lot of planned events that are open to anyone. My own volunteer org (Toastmasters) also does a lot of online meetups at the moment, but meetup itself has anything from sports to special interest groups to crafts... really anything.
Dungeon and dragons!
The first couple of times bring some goodies, if you want to grease the wheels.
Fucking best way to find friends, went from two to twenty in a couple of months.
Links for people that want to play D&D:
For finding a group: [Reddit LFG](https://www.reddit.com/r/lfg/)
Basic rules: [Ruleset PDF](https://dnd.wizards.com/articles/features/basicrules)
Site used for online D&D: [Roll20](https://roll20.net/)
Site with preamade characters (ask the dm if he allows use of these: [Premade characters](http://www.digitaldungeonmaster.com/pre-made-dd-5e-character-sheets.html)
More tools: [D&D Beyond](https://www.dndbeyond.com/)
38 years old and played my first game last week. Well enjoyed and will be playing again tonight
35 here. I started about a year ago. I wasn't too sure about it at first but man is it fun now! Have fun tonight!
Poaching this comment, if you want to play d and d or pathfinder, and are worried about joining in groups due to pandemic, try roll20 to find a group, and said group will probably end up having a discord.
If you are serious about trying to find a group, check out r/lfg people post daily about games they are starting or already in that lost members.
Did you meet online first?
No, I saw a facebook post(a while ago) called \*\*\*\*\*\*\*gaming and boardgames, cliked on it. It told me to meet up at a location in town, and that I didn't need to bring a thing.
“Please bring a kidney, 2 if possible!!”
Do they have to be your own?
Well if they are it’ll be the last time you have to donate anything
Yea just like the comment above said, bring snacks
You stand too close to random people at the groceries and when they ask you what's your problem, you tell them you don't have any friends. Then you hug it out and become friends.
and during the hug whisper in their ear that you like exotic leather lamps.
Don’t forget to wink at them after you say it.
The friends that I have made in adulthood were not made through boozy social situations - even though I'm Irish and we LOVE our boozy socials.
I've made friends through work and through hobbies - I love taking fun classes. I like taking dance classes mostly and when you're going to the same class week in, week out, you get talking to the other people at the class and friendships can blossom.
You can be friendly and smiley and strike up a bit of conversation and from that you build up a bit of rapport. I made friends by asking a couple of the girls if they'd like to grab a coffee after class and then it became a weekly "thing", coffee after class.
It doesn't have to be dance - any kind of class works, even if it's an educational one. Evening classes are a GREAT place to make new friends.
Then - and I know everyone's workplace is different, certainly mine is very easy to make friends - through work you can make some nice friends. Sit with people at lunch hour instead of eating at your desk or in your car - chat to people during the work day and find out things about them - if they have a family, if THEY have any hobbies etc. Then, when you build up a bit of friendliness ask them if they'd like to go for lunch or (yes I know, AGAIN!) a coffee after work and so forth.
It definitely helps to be friendly and outgoing. I'm not naturally outgoing but I am naturally a very friendly person so I guess that makes me approachable. So try to be approachable and learn the art of small, friendly talk.
>You can be friendly and smiley and strike up a bit of conversation and from that you build up a bit of rapport.
I think this might depend where you live. I'm Northern English and this is how I have made friends in adulthood. My southern friends think it's really weird though. I introduced them to a friend and it was something like:
"Where did you two meet?"
"Here, in the pub."
"Oh right! So were you introduced to each other by someone else?"
"So how did you get chatting?"
"Erm, I don't know...? We were just in the pub...?"
Seemed odd to them.
I think it’s just personality more than anything. Growing up, my family referred to it as being an “elevator talker.” My mom is one. The rest of my family is not.
I have a friend I met through my wife who is also like this that. He has a large extended friend group, and half the people he’s friends with, he just randomly met out and about and you couldn’t distinguish those people from his childhood friends and relatives if you didn’t have it pointed out.
Whereas I, from the same state, find that utterly bizarre (but do like most of the people he’s managed to pick up in his wake).
Just oddly reminds me that one of the best friends I've ever had, I met randomly on a bus. I was 19, just moved to a new city from the middle of nowhere, it was a huge step for me and I was basically alone. I was on public transportation heading to a job interview at a call center that was hiring multiple positions, I figured it was an easy score to get on my feet so i headed out. A guy sitting diagonally from me when I sat down, we kept making eye contact randomly for some reason. I mean i could really feel this guy's energy. We eventually got to my bus stop, and to my surprise, he stood up too. When we got off the bus he took off his headphones and asked if i had an interview as I was clearly dressed up for it and I said, yeah what about you?
A huge conversation kicked off as we realized we were going to the same job interview and we had literally everything in common and both just moved to this new city. It was literally the universes work and it still boggles our brains to think about to this day.
TLDR; Met one of my best friends as a stranger going to the same job interview on public transportation
EDIT: We both got the job! :)
I love “elevator talker”. I’m definitely one of those! I can strike up a conversation with anyone. Although, 23 years of bar tending/serving helped with that
My mom is a big fan of chatting up strangers. You learn fantastic things that way. All the best restaurants...
Many of my friends that drink met most of their friends in the pub, it's the only way they know to make friends and honestly as long as they drink, the only way they need.
For them doing something else to make friends would come of as wierd aswell, maybe your friends belong to the same group?
Tbf I've met so many people in the South just by chatting to whoever is around but I also got a funny accent so people always end up talking to me out of curiosity
> You can be friendly and smiley and strike up a bit of conversation
welp, i'm out
Volunteer! I became a Girl Scout leader and have become friends with some of the other leaders & some of the parents from my troop.
Is that you, Beverly Hills housewife Phyllis Nefler ??
Go to a repeating class at a gym or yoga studio, and/or volunteer at a yoga studio or gym class.
Get a part time job or volunteer somewhere interesting to you and meet coworkers over time. Like a museum, community center, library, foreign language school, cultural center.
I know it’s hard - I also don’t drink. I’ve missed out on many friendships and several relationships with people I felt naturally compatible with because of it. It’s a real bonding part of social life for the apparently large majority of society. 🤷🏻♂️
I got a part time night job at a comedy club when I didn't even need the money, just to see free shows and made a ton of friends. got to meet Kevin heart and Bob Saget too.
Edit: to many comments to reply, to. Thanks for the awards however put it towards charity I have no use for them.
Hobbies alone was a broad statement. Basically the goal is to meet new people. Seek discomfort is a good phrase and a good model presentation of how to meet new people. Google their YouTube channel.
Hobbies can be good but it's hard to find the small groups that have no internet presence. Volunteering, charity work, etc is more aimed at helping x, while you benefit in socializing.
My anecdote, others may vary.
The other fishing, hunting, etc group's come from making connections. Door knocking, leaving letter etc asking for permission and slowly building a blue book of properties to hunt n fish while cleaning up there property in return. Plus you can ask if they want me to take anyone in their family with me or can I bring a person over etc after trust is built.
Lastly, if anyone reads my handle. It's okay to be alone. I'm alone but not lonely. I have reddit to come socialize with you assholes :). But fr it's okay to only have a hand few friends you connect with. The key aspect of friendship is respect. If they don't respect your time nor you as a person as you do them. They aren't your friend.
Edit: the yt channel isn't seek discomfort (that's there catch phrase) it is "Yes Theory" without the quotations.
I second this. It's significantly easier to make friends and connect (especially if you're shy) if you have mutual interests, even if you don't share the same level of enjoyment in the hobby. It's also a great way to get closer to someone if you do already know them, and opens up an opportunity to have them talk about themselves so you can learn more about them and who they are.
This is a great point. I recently picked up fishing as a hobby. I would always greet the other people I saw rather briefly. Over time, those greetings turn to questions about what they are doing vs what you are doing. Taking the time to listen to them is almost more important than having something interesting to say in return.
Friendships aren't a physical achievement. They aren't something that should even be focused on or forced. If you focus on being interested in what another person says and show it in the way you act and speak, they are more likely to speak to you again. Then at some point you will realize that that person is your friend as that process repeats itself and more casual and personal things are exchanged and spoken of.
This is exactly how I befriended a guy more than double my age. We now share big fish catches and cool dinners we made. It's a friendship that still surprises me and it makes me feel good. It happens whether you think of it or not. It's a process not a destination.
Edit: thanks for my first reddit gold!
what happens when your hobbies are all isolating? I love to read and play single player video games (and like Farming Sims and Mario type games..)😂😂 doesn't invite the crowds lol.
I do actually participate with Booktube a lot for a way to be social with reading, but i've yet to make 'friends' from it but it is nice to find strangers to talk to about books
Are book clubs still a thing? Going to the library could be an option, the librarian may be able to suggest some events or get togethers for readers.
Edit: just wanted to add an extra shout out to librarians. They do tons more than just exchange books and are a great community resource.
Most book clubs at the library are middle of the day which makes me soo mad and I'm a librarian. People work but library programs are very much set up as if you cam go middle of Tuesday once a month.
I would go to my local library way more often if they were more reasonable. Prior to the pandemic they were lamenting all over social media and in the local papers that no one except elderly people visit anymore and they're going to get shut down if they don't get more support from the local community etc.
Their opening hours are 10am-3.45pm weekdays only, and the only programs they run are computer classes for over 65s, on a Thursday at 11am.
No shit they have no community support, when the majority of the local community are working-age adults, uhhh, at work during those times. Geniuses!
When the world starts opening up again I’d love a real book club. I do have a digital one, and sometimes we will actually FaceTime to chat.
Even with the pandemic you could join one. I joined a bookclub I found here on reddit and the reunions are through discord every sunday. In our case the bookclub is in spanish (It's r/BookclubLATAM in case anyone wants to join) but maybe you could try ansking in r/books or try with r/bookclub
Edit: Sorry I'm a little stupid and just read that you already have a digital bookclub, I'm going to leave the comment here in case anyone is interested in joining one
Dude you serious not stupid at all, book club in spanish is all I need
For sure book clubs are still a thing! They may be online now due to COVID, but they are available =)
Even if your public library doesn't have one, we love that you ask. We take program suggestions seriously (at least, we do at my public library job) and if we get someone asking for a program such as a book club, we consider it. The more people who ask, the more likely we are to implement it.
At the very least you can walk away with a good book and a librarian happy to talk your ear off about books ;)
Source: am librarian!
Yup, book clubs are still a thing.
Another avenue is trying new or even modified things. That says nothing about your current hobbies, but trying new things that allow for a social component can do two things: Expand your own list of interests and potentially lead to an expansion of friends.
Edit: A good one I like to call out during these threads is volunteer. Someone sets everything up for you and all you need to do is show up and help. Highly recommend.
Yes ! I think trying new things is even better for making friends because it naturally leads to discussion about how to do things etc most people who are into something love the chance to share it with someone new in my experience
Strangers that you talk to often about books can become friends. Those conversations that you enjoy, you can always go back and start a new one about a different book or interest.
Join discord server and talk about your game. People love to share their experience, even if it's single player. Whenever I try new games, I always visit its subreddit and discord.
I tried doing that but honestly most public discords are populated by... well, children. I'm not really interested in making friends with teens.
I know that feeling
Hi. I’m an almost 40 year old that is married with children. I like single player games because I can play them whenever and finding a schedule to get good at multiplayer is pretty impossible.
What type of games do you play?
I’m 34, divorced, work remotely, no kids.
I just beat AC Valhalla, by first AC platinum, and I think my second or third AC even playing. I only really remember Black Flag, and then I piddled with Origins, and now Valhalla.
I just installed Odyssey last night and got through to the first viewpoint. Might pick it up again tonight!
I also recently completed my first Telltale, Wolf Among Us. I liked it!
Games I’ve been playing off and on but haven’t been sucked in yet: Nier Automata, Arkham Knight, Days Gone, Snake Pass!
What games do you play?
>what happens when your hobbies are all isolating?
I've been in this situation. I got kind of isolated and started developing interests around solitary activities. All my activities were solitary, so I never met anyone. It's a positive feedback loop.
You need to actively engage in shared activities that put you in regular contact with the same group of people. For me, it was social dancing. I started taking classes and going to social dances; I'd run into the same groups of people all the time. When I'd recognize someone from class outside of work, say in the grocery store, I'd go out of my way to say hello, even just a quick 'Hey there'. This was a very slow process. I eventually made a couple friends that were better than acquaintances, but it took at about a year. I also met a few people that just didn't like me for some reason - seems to me living in solitude long enough you get more sensitive to the negative judgements of others. It often became frustrating how little progress I was making in the friend department. I considered giving up and just taking to hermitude many times.
You don't need to take up social dancing. The key is getting involved in a group of some kind, and seeing the same group of people frequently. If you're not a talker , like me, a shared activity can help get around all that awkward superficial small talk. Some people won't like you, but you can overcome that.
For whatever reasons my favorite hobbies happen to be loaded with people that I don't get along with well, its not a fun situation. I just stuck to gaming and reading.
Oh man for some reason most of my hobbies are shared with 50+ year old men. I’m in my 20s woman. Nothing against 50+ men but I can’t just have 50+ male friends
“Listen Harold, as much as I would love to come over and build fly fishing lures I don’t think your wife would find it appropriate”
That's one of the reasons I got out of motorcycling.
Edit: it's all good guys. I said it was ONE of the reasons I got out of riding. The main one was an accident that totaled my bike and jacked my back. For the most part, riding is a solitary pursuit. I actually loved it, loved riding fast and far, but the trade-off wasn't worth it (for me). With only so much time to spend, I'd rather spend it with people I love or getting to know new friends.
Same. Im into car modding but a big swath of those people are old, unrelatable boomers or douchebag trust fund kids
Join a running club, library lectures, mic. night at a cafe. Just say yes to things happening in your town and go get involved.
The more often you go the more regulars will recognize you and eventually strike up a conversation.
I just moved to a different country and I now have a friend group because they guy giving me a loan for a car said he likes doing triathlons while he was filling out the paperwork. I like biking and gave a little effort trying to make conversation. He invited me to go for a ride with him. Making friends just takes effort just like any other relationship.
Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings
In my experience, adults don't want friends. They want activity partners. Pick an activity that you enjoy doing, find some people to do it with. If you're lucky, some friendships will organically arise from that. If you're REALLY lucky, they'll even stay friends with you after one or both of you stop doing that activity.
But mostly, people just want activity partners.
Yeah this is hard for me. I just like being part of people’s lives. Everyone is always DOING things. Can’t we all just chill? Talk? Blah. I like doing activities a lot too but they take a lot of solo time to get better at.
I agree to an extent. I have friends that just come hang out at the house, sometimes we'll go to the Mexican restaurant, and we have a group chat together. about 5 of us. We'll watch movies together and stuff, but I also have a friend that ONLY wants to chill. He wants to sit at the house, smoke a joint, and sink into the couch 24/7. Love the dude to death but like, there's only so much dank memes I can watch in a day before I want to blow my brains out. Its got to where I only hang out with that guy MAYBE once a month and he is a main friend in our friend group. The problem is that all of our friends are down to do what each other want, whether it be movies, dj dance party, dinner, fuck around at a store or something. And then there's him, who will not do any of those things with us, but would love for us to come to his house and sit and watch youtube videos with him.
Shame because he used to not be like that. He used to enjoy shenanigan's with us.
Probs something else that's gone screwy in his life. Sounds like he's lost confidence and has hit a depression phase?
It's hard to know how to approach this sorta stuff.
If you ever feel up to it, asking him if there's anything he's struggling with may lead to some progress. Sometimes someone giving a shit can mean the world.
Finding groups for hobbies, which is easier when there isn't a pandemic going on. Dungeons and Dragons is what worked for me.
Is this thread a big DnD ad or is it really that effective? Kinda making me want to play one day
My turn to shine since I moved countries 3x as an adult. Ranked from most effective to least:
* Work: never eat lunch alone, organise hang outs after work
* Professional networking organisations: nothing bonds more than hating your industry/job together
* Going out alone & chatting up strangers: woman here & have befriended men who approached me this way, so don’t say this won’t work for men. You just have to genuinely want to be friends instead of being a creeper. If you have kids & they have kids, they’ll WANT to be friends
* Reddit: if someone in a niche subreddit you’re into happens to mention they live in your city, just go, “Hey! I live there too! Want to meet up?” The more niche the sub, the higher chance of making friends
* Random fun classes/activities: if you’re both into it, you probably will click
* Online dating: surprisingly made many good friends of this. Of course some were with benefits.
* New mom groups: everyone is depressed to a certain degree, sleep deprived & desperate for support
* Social media: made a few genuine friends, also got some creepers so it’s a gamble
I used to love smelling eraser dust in high school. Did you have a reason for choosing the name you did?
Maybe you two should meet up?
only if she likes, and I mean really likes, peanut butter.
But not for anything long term, it’s ‘lust’ not ‘love’ after all.
I used to love fucking peanut butter in high school. Did you have a reason for choosing the name you did?
Yeah. I don’t fuck it though. I just deep throat that shit.
Maybe you two should meet up
Adults don’t care if you drink. Now, many adults do enjoy drinking, but actual adults don’t really care if you just wanna hang out.
I’m in my thirties. I do drink. My wife doesn’t. Here’s the thing in your thirties. Y’all go to a brewery or some such (well not so much lately) and the whole group will always have a few people not drinking for any or all of the following reasons:
-on a prescription that makes it inadvisable
-don’t feel like it
-don’t like what’s available
-the flesh drinks only blood
And generally no one cares if they’re a mature group worth hanging out with.
Heres the question to ask: do you mean that you only want to hang out in situations where people aren’t drinking? That’s a different thing and a bit more limiting.
But seriously: mature adults deal with all sorts of reasons people won’t drink. This isn’t college. No one thinks your coolness is derived from crushing Miller lites. The only people I’ve ever seen ostracized from a group of adults are people who are unpleasant: most frequently because they drank way too much.
Edit: and honestly, in college no one worth hanging out with cared either.
1. Be passionate about some stuff that adds substance to YOUR life.
2. You don't need a lot of friends.
3. When you talk to people, strangers, coworkers etc... be your 100% genuine self, this should help you avoid being a doormat. If you find you're still a doormat you should revisit step 1.
My best friend and I really only share a couple things, our love of gangster rap and 90s hardcore punk, and our beliefs in undying, over the top self empowerment.
That's not exactly shit I hear people talking about at parties, "oh yeah on my way over I was bumping some fuckin Mc Breed and yelling at myself in the rear view "LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONT WITH YOUR LIFE MOTHERFUCKER, HOW FAR YOUVE COME, KEEP FUCKING GOING, CRUSH THE OPPOSITION BITCH LETS GO!!!""
Like I said, be your 100% genuine self.
Sounds like you should take some time to work on yourself. You really should have passions, goals and ambitions to have a good quality of life. Do that for you, and the friends will come. You have to ask yourself, would I want to be friends with me? Be someone others will want to be drawn to. Be someone that can be a good friend to others. You can’t draw from a well that’s empty.
Climbing, archery, martial arts, European Martial Arts. Historical re-enactment, book and theater clubs.
I wonder, is there a platonic dating app yet? Tinder, Grinder, Planter? Copyright/ Trademark - 26-03-2021
I decided to try out bumble's bff feature and it's pretty dead. If there's a better app for matching with platonic friends I'd like to know.
I've been using the Slowly app during the pandemic and have developed some good friendships on there but they are all located halfway around the world.
I wasn't keen on the bumble BFF. I didn't like that it restricted you to only same sex friendships because the guys around here were either gym bros or country boys so my fabulous, fashion and hair loving self just took shit for being gay before they passed on me.
I'm forward about whether or not I'm trying to get into your pants, I'm not going to creep on through the friend zone, I'm just looking for humans that I genuinely get along with.
This is a good one.. I’ve been grappling for about 10 years now and I’ve formed some of the strongest friendships in that time. It’s almost odd how quickly people bond while trying to strangle each other lol
I joined a rock climbing gym and made TONS of friends.
I'm gonna add a very specific one: the app Slowly. It's an app who acts like a meeting app, except that everything works as if you were sending real letters. You can receive them from all over the world and 99% of people use it to make friends (over looking for a partner like most meeting apps). You enter in your hobbies, maybe put in the countries, gender, age of the people you want to talk to (i left it open and received beautiful letters from aged people wanting to talk to someone), and there you go! I have met my two best friends there, one from germany and one from brazil, we've been talking for years now. It's too much work for scammers, so everyone is genuine. I can never not recommend it.
Another app I've had good luck with is bumble BFF! I relocated at the starting of the pandemic and have no idea how I would have made local friends without it.