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I had heard about cock rings, the rubber ones and the plastic/metal ones and heard they make you harder for longer so decided to try and improvise one day when my mum and sister went out. I found a metal ring that went on a curtain pole and had a little plastic clip on so I removed that and got some cooking oil and went into my room, greased up the ring and slid it over my semi flaccid penis and balls. It felt pretty good so I grabbed a magazine and started to rub one out. The ring slowly moved further back, restricting blood flow and wedging itself tight against my balls and base of my dick. This thing was tight and I suppose it was doing its job until after I came and wanted it to slide off. It wouldn't. It was there, right against my purple dick and balls for 30 minutes before mum came home. I couldn't budge it. I was in pain so I had to call her. The look of utter horror, disbelief, disgust in her eyes will stay with me forever. By this time my dick was the colour #301934 and I was in severe pain. My mum immediately called my dad. He drove from work, about 10 mins, came upstairs, took one look at me, got some vaseline from the bathroom (which I wish I had known about earlier) he got a thin piece of plastic and put vaseline on it and slid it under the ring and kind of levered it a bit. The blood drained and my member subsided. He handed me a towel, ruffled my hair, picked up the ring, shut my bedroom door and went back to work. We never talked about it again.


Your dad is a real one


I'm sure he was just a crafty sort of fellow, but with how quickly your dad resolved this situation you almost have to wonder if he's done it before.


Using a home TNS machine to zap myself to finishing


I one day was bored and alone, my fiance left her butplug at my house that day, I figured nothing would happen if I tried so I used it, well long story short I couldn't get it out and had to call her to help me


Started fingering my ass in like high school, but that wasn't enough. Went to Sharpie markers, but not enough. Had the idea to use a banana, but the bottom end had that hard, kinda sharp end on it. So what did I do? I used sandpaper to file it down to be smooth and an easy glide in. Needless to say, bananas don't last too long going up the ass


Every year I help my dad with Christmas lights. I climb up on the roof and carefully clip all of the lights onto the peaks. I grew up in a conservative house and only recently discovered how nice masturbating can be. Did you know that orgasms can help relieve period cramps? Who knew? Well I have a particular fondness for the cowgirl position with my bf, but it absolutely destroys my knees. Sitting on my knees on a flat (even if it's soft) surface is difficult for me. So here I am, sitting on the warm roof, hanging lights on my house, when my dad walks inside to get something. I'm straddling a roof peak, all alone, the neighborhood is quiet and I can see there's no one outside. I'm at an angle where I can't be seen from the ground anyway. My knees are at the perfect angle to not hurt in this position and suddenly thoughts of the bf enter my head. I just... Start rocking back and forth on the peak of my roof. When my dad came back out I was in a much better mood.


House fucker Edit: MY FIRST AWARD? Thanks kind stranger!


Yeah, I'm a real homewrecker


You found a loophole to "masturbating? Not under my roof! "


I've told this before, and it'll get buried again. But for anyone sorting by new, here goes: I was 16 & my first job was at a wedding venue, working as a server during the receptions and then helping out with clean-up afterward. This was a pretty ritzy place, and we had to have the floors looking like mirrors before we went home. That took HOURS with a buffer/washer, stripping it down to get rid of the dancers' scuff marks and then building it up with layers of wax. The handle of the buffer was adjustable, and being a small chick I found it easiest to control if I sort of wedged into the top of my pelvis. That way I could use my ugly little boy hips to move it around. No upper body strength needed. One night, the buffer either malfunctioned or worked better than ever before (depending on if you were asking my boss or my lady parts). It vibrated like it was about to fall apart, due to an improperly installed brush head. I didn't mind, though. As soon as I tucked that sucker's handle up onto my pelvis the most wonderful things started happening in the region just a couple of inches below that. I looked around, did a quick adjustment to lower the handlebar just a tad, and then fired that big boy up. Ten minutes of that, and my eyes were permanently rolled back into my head. My entire middle body from my knees to my floating ribs was a throbbing pool of liquid pleasure. Every couple of seconds, the eccentric rotation of the misaligned brush would throw one BIG vibration in, making my hips buck and my breath to freeze in my chest. I vowed to strip wax off of every floor in the Greater Chesterfield Metropolitan Area! I was going to MARRY that buffer. I was going to write "Mrs. Clarke Buffer" in my trapper-keeper at school the next Monday. I LOVED that buffer. And then I realized that I had an audience. Half of the rest of the crew was standing at the kitchen door watching me nuke my genitals with the handle of an industrial floor polisher. I instantly pushed the thing away from me, losing control. It spun wildly, wrapping the cord around itself and flipping over onto the floor, spraying wet soapy water all over the place (thankfully all the tables were pushed up against the other side of the room). I was pretty embarrassed, but I soldiered on, unwinding the cord and going back to stripping the floor as if nothing other than a loss of (buffer) control had occurred. I caught a little ribbing about it, but my boss put an end to it pretty quickly. Which makes sense- you don't let your crew get THAT raunchy around a 16 year old girl. And apparently I was not the first to discover the joys of buffer-induced vibrations. Over the next few weeks, a couple of the other female members of the crew related their stories about how they had found out that a slight adjustment of the pad and handle could make wonderful things happen. They were just a little better about not pulling a "When Harry Met Sally" moment while their co-workers watched. tl;dr: found out that a floor buffer can produce STRONG vibrations that can be transmitted to one's crotch area via the handle. Enjoyed an extended period of bliss while stripping a floor, without realizing that I was putting on a show for my co-workers. Totally worth it.


When I was 13 or so I was playing in the creek at the end of our road. Poking a big stick in the mud I noticed it was a consistency that made a loud sucking noise when I pulled the stick back out. It was enough to get the wheels turning, and after I formed two nice mud patty “boobs” I went to work. I’m not proud, but I seem to recall impregnating the earth being fairly satisfying.


Not me, but a dude that was a few years older than me in high school. This dude, Ted, decided that it was a good idea to fuck a Head and Shoulders shampoo bottle while he was in the shower. His dick ended up getting stuck in the bottle and he had to go to the ER to get it removed. Afterward he was forever known as Ted and Shoulders.


“ted and shoulders” killed me lmao


I was quite horny in my early teens, so I looked up innovative ways to masturbate. As it seems, if you hollow out a cucumber and microwave it, it does not feel like the inside of a vagina. I was left with the most disgusting vegetable you've ever seen and a memory that lives under the surface of my dignity.




Not the act itself, I guess, but the event as a whole... We lived in the sticks, and internet shopping wasn't really a thing back then (not that we had internet anyway). I was a horny but resourceful teenage girl, so I whittled myself a penis-like dildo out of a piece of firewood, sanded it, and varnished it. I was around 14-15 at the time. I tested it out once without a condom, and freaked out about the potential toxicity of the varnish. Then used a disposable latex glove because there were no condoms in the house (and the thought of buying them was mortifying). In the end I was too paranoid about it being found, so I tossed it into the fire the next time the fireplace was lit.


Whittled dildo is the best so far. Not cuz it's weird, jus because it is. Hope u used 220 grit


She wet sanded it


It was naughty pine.


you were the “country girls make do” meme omg




Shoved a 2by2 inch bathbomb up my ass with plastic rap still on.


When I was in middle school I ended up in inschool suspension where I was essentially locked in a supply closet with a desk in it for a week and a half. The supply closet was connected to the principles office but no one really came in to check on me besides at lunch time when it was mandatory to bring their closet prisoners food. Anyways, that closet turned into my masturbatorium. Very important masturbatory studies and experiments were conducted in my time there. Very scientific and groundbreaking work was headed by myself and my assistant right hand woman. Great assistant and still with me to this day. Years later when I was in highschool I returned to speak with the new principle of that middle school about supplies for a club project I was working on. I went into the closet where the desk was to gather a few boxes she prepared for me. Low and behold I noticed, for the very first time, a camera trained right on the fucking desk. To this day I have no idea if that camera was there while I was in there. It's the exact same as the rest of the cameras in that school so I feel like it has been 🙃


Is your school known for monitoring the cameras? I know at my school they only checked them if something happened


Probably why they didn't check on you. Didn't want to make it awkward. Any teacher that knew probably had a nickname for you.


I tried to use hand sanitizer as lube once..... Don’t try it


COVID sex be like


Poured shampoo down my urethra, thinking it would generate some sort of pleasure. *Narrator: it did not*


My grandmother, bless her soul, was the sweetest most innocent woman you’d ever met. She would stay with us sometimes and help out around the house. One year, for Christmas, she bought me a pack of hankies. Obviously confused I wanted an explanation. She said to me that I need to use hankies to blow my nose into, instead of all my clothes because she did the washing and saw all the crusty stains on them. .......I am sorry grandma. I am really really sorry.


Your grandma knew exactly what you were doing.


Ya, she knows you’re a hwanker Chief.


One time I heated up a 5 layer bean burrito from Taco Bell for about 150 seconds before trying to use it as a fleshlight. I went balls deep and caused 1st degree burn on my crotch. Yes, I was a teen when I did this Yes I worked at taco bell No I would not recommend No that's not how we made sour cream


got so horny that i masturbated with a carrot and went to see my then-bf with the carrot still inside me (20mins bus ride), just to be greeted by his mom at the door. noped the fuck outta there even before entering his place. edit: wau. thanks guys.


“Honey, your gf stopped by. She left a pickled carrot on the doorstep and ran away”


I kind of have this fetish where the idea of being experimented on, or being the product of a Frankenstein's monster kind of experiment, is a big turn on. I also have a fetish for being forced to drink liquids. So one day I decided to try combining the two. I set up some spooky green lights in my living room, then take some plastic tubing I have from other hobbies and make myself a siphon, with one end down my throat a little ways, and the other in a big-ass cup of Gatorade sitting on a table above me (may as well hydrate, am I right?). I laid down on my back, with a towel under me, and just kind of let the siphon go. It didn't last long. The weight changed so rapidly the tubing pulled the glass over, spilling the like half gallon of Gatorade all over me and my carpet. I had put towels down, but it was just so much it still soaked through. So here I am, sitting in the middle of my living room, naked, covered in Gatorade like an asshole. It wasn't a highlight of my solo sexual exploits, but it's a good story I don't ever get to tell lol.


My favorite stories here are the ones like this where people are trying to fulfill a fantasy that is more optimal with 2 people with just themselves and failing miserably. May your next experimental exploits be better.


I love that you set up green lights lol


Real talk, that was the best part lol.


Made a fake vagina with a rubber glove, empty pasta sauce jar, a bath sponge and a rubber band. Then fucked it for weeks as a lonely teenager


This dude is so Italian he fucked a pasta sauce jar


I would love to claim it....but I had a room mate in Uni who used to be basically positions himself upside down against a wall. His legs, lower back and mid back all against the wall. His weight bearing down on the back of his neck and shoulder blades. He used to wank in this position and cum on his own face. He freely discussed this with me. Asked him why he wanted to cum on his own face...and he just shrugged his shoulders.


dug a penis size hole in the ground, filled it with packing grease, fucked it.


You literally fucked the planet.


Nestlé has entered the chat


It takes a massive Oedipus complex to fuck Mother Earth


Ok so a buddy and I that lived together went out drinking one night. Got sloshed and had a great time. We both woke up early the next morning and headed back to the apartment. Now he's a decent cook so he said he'd whip us up some omelets as hangover food. I was stoked as I felt like shit. So he gives me my plate and we both go to our respective rooms. I get about 3-5 bites in and I'm just way to hungover to be eating anything of real substance without risk of throwing it up. Now a weird thing about myself. I'm sure it happens to others, but I get super horny when hungover. I don't understand why, but it happens. Normally I'll beat off and immediately hate myself as the headache from the hangover comes back full force. But this time, instead of beating off like a normal person, I looked at that omelet and thought "I bet that would feel amazing. So I throwing caution to the wind I fucked that omelet. Just really gave it the business until I finished. Regret and disdain for myself came rushing back to me along with my headache as I threw the omelet away in the trash and crawled into bed to sleep the rest of my hangover away. So TL;DR is I fucked an omelet.


Omelet Fucker


Once when I was a young teen I wanted to know what my cum tasted like but licking it off my hand seemed gross so I jerked off into a Tostitos® Scoop and then ate it. It would take me years to realize that cum is both salty but not that salty.


The part that made me crack up was the trade mark symbol at the end of Tostitos


That’s... just... I don’t even know what to say lol


I hope this is just a weird advertisement.


Just last year I masturbated to completion without touching my dick the entire time. I didn't rub up against anything either, I just humped the air and tucked my hips back so there was the slightest bit of friction between my thighs and the very base of my shaft between thrusts. I'm honestly kind of proud of that one


Spent a whole day during school break lazy, in bed, seeing how many times I could ejaculate. The answer for 17 year old me was 12 times. 44 year old me has not yet repeated the experiment, but my guess is once.


Dude, it's in the name of science.


Okokok fine you convinced me. Edit: as of midnight, twice. But not trying especially hard.


30 year old me can barely manage twice in a day. Im afraid if I went for 3 I'd have a heart attack and the medics would have to put me on a stretcher with my hand still on my dick and they don't need to see that


You know you've overdone it when the last ejaculation was just salt.


When I was a kid I had the thought "if I could jerk off but keep the cum in me, would it feel good for longer?" So I put scotch tape over my pee hole and went to town. Suffice to say it was very painful and I have a bit of a lasting trauma. Would not recommend.


I just imagine the cartoons where someone sticks their finger in the barrel of a gun and the barrel peels back and explodes


I wrote a raunchy message to a girl on my phone but didn't send it. I aimed my erection at the phone and made a deal with my dick that if it could get hard enough to reach the Send button, the message would get on its way.


And what happened?


I sent it and then came and immediately felt regret. So I changed my picture to a photo of China and my username to a bunch of Mandarin nonsense and then spammed her a bunch of Chinese stuff to make her think I was a foreign spammer.


10/10 comeback my guy. i didn't think that would be possible.


And I bet she was all like "继兄弟你在做什么"






For those who couldn't guess it, "what are you doing stepbrother" Edit: this has to be my first comment with so many upvotes! And thanks for popping my silver award cherry, step redditor ;)


Saw a thing in a hentai, decided to try it out, gave myself a UTI and thrush. If you're gonna fuck a bottle, make sure to sterilise it first


In general, don't do what hentais do. You will almost certainly end up with either a UTI, in some form of relationship with some form of demon or you will be a sleeve at the end of the day


I wanted to make my own fleshlight so I took the tube out of a roll of toilet paper and dunked the tp into warm water. I then put my dick into this warm mass of wet toilet paper. It felt decent but made such a mess, and the post nut guilt was something else.


In middle school, I once got a postcard from a girl I was super into (I’m pretty sure it was a generic bday card). Anyway I was so excited that I opened the card, cut a hole in the middle and tried to fuck it. Didn’t go well, do not recommend. Highly uncomfortable and painful


"Do you wanna know how I got these scars?"


This sounds like a ritual or something.


Fucked myself with a shampoo bottle on FaceTime with my ex, with my dead hands (I have a neurological condition) flailing about uncontrollably; was horny, in retrospect not the sexiest I’ve ever looked


Tried to suck my own dick. Managed to get the head in my mouth. Did not feel like a blowjob, hurt my back. 2/10 do not recommend. Edit: this is my first ever post or comment to ever get a reward. Classic Reddit that it is about sucking my own dick... wonderful. Thanks guys.


One time when I was like 11 my PS2 controller glitched out and it just...vibrated nonstop. That's all I'll say.


and the rest is history Edit: please stop with the herstory. my phone is going to literally cease itself.


I used a wooden sword as a dildo when I was a teenager


En garde!




Imagine having to explain a splinter


A friend of mine (no, really) loves to tell the story of when he was a young horny teenager, and his mom had left a tuna fish sandwich for him after mowing the lawn. It was sitting on the counter, fresh, not cold, and he was inspired by the smell to take it into the bathroom where he literally fucked the tuna sandwich. Mortified by what he had done, he flushed it down the toilet and ate a bag of chips... it’s his proudest, saddest moment as a kid.


At age 8 on vacation in Spain with my family, i made love to a smarties tube. Got my penis stuck and then my Brother busted me. He still call me mr smarties sometimes.. Im 26 Edit : after some Quick Google searching i found out it was not a smarties tube.. It was a mini m&m tube. I guess the whole nickname thing is ruined. Btw i sent my Brother a screenshot of reaching 10k. He simply replied "legend" Thanks for all rewards 👏


>Got my penis stuck and then my Brother busted me. Damn I misread that part at first


Role played sex on a minecraft server


Aight I am going to quit minecraft


"Oh yeah mr creeper, put it deeper" "Sssssss"


“I’m going to explode”


Once when I was a teen I masturbated on horse back. And no before anyone says anything weird it wasn't anything beastiality related! I was just always forced to go on horse ride/camping trips with my parents and had to sleep in the front of the horse trailer on a cot so no privacy and was in the middle of the woods so no bathroom or anything. I was really horny that weekend for some reason and so after we finished our group trail ride I said I was gonna ride more by myself and rode off into the woods. I rubbed one off up on top of the saddle really quickly then rode back to camp like nothing ever happened. I'm so glad no one happened to come by. Hormones as a teen are insane. That horse was probably like "wtf she doing up there and why am I having to stand here like this in the middle of no where?" Lol.


Taking the word ‘horsegirl’ to a whole other level


But at least it's a legal and socially acceptable level


It's fun and all until the horse starts masturbating


I used a soft fishing lure as a dildo and lotion as lube. Got super freaked out after (I was really high and paranoid) so I called poison control thinking I was going to die from the chemicals on the lure lol


That customer service rep probably remembers that call every once in a while and cracks up thinking about it.


I hope that in her darkest moments, she thinks to herself “at least I’m not sticking a fishing lure up my ass” and chuckles onward to a happier day


I once took a soup spoon up my bum (the handle) with some ~~vaseline~~ lube on. After I had to throw out the spoon. I just couldn't look at it again the same way. edit changed the trademarked vaseline to lube as it was a regular sex lube


Imagine ur mom making her prize chicken noodle with it smh


I lived with university roommates (3 other) at the time added number in brackets


Tied my own legs to the bed posts behind my head but I tied them too tight so I had to cut myself out with a mechanical pencil on my nightstand. It took ~~about 20~~ maybe more like 15 minutes.


hey at least you know you can escape with a mechanical pencil! If your legs are tied... and you have a mechanical pencil nearby... and you can spare 20 minutes...


.... this fucking thread, man. I love it.


James Bond would be proud


James Bondage


"You expect me to talk?" "No mister bond I expect you to cum"


my sexual adolescence was pretty weird. I would sometimes piss my pants on purpose sometimes. I would also beat my dick against a table. I also rubbed myself against poles when I was real young and years later I realized it's weird. I look back at all these things with utter dread




Oh Jesus




When I get really embarrassed (thinking about something stupid I've done or said, usually) it'll take my breath away. I don't know why. My body's attempts to make the embarrassment go away by killing me, I guess. I did not breathe for a single word of this story.




Ok this is the second person to mention mustard as lube.


Fucked a cabbage


Made pole slaw.


Creamed cabbage




Cok choy




PIV. Penis in vacuum. I was going through puberty.


I like to imagine you were just fucking the bag.


I really try to imagine nothing, but you do you I guess.


Make fuck to the couch cushions, ya know in between the crevice?


Did you tell the couch to keep the change?


\**pats the armrest\** Same time tomorrow night?


Did he just say 'Make Fuck'?




My love for you is like a truck...


Blew myself Edit: Somebody reported me to Reddit for self harm.


This is the way


Can Mandalorians show their dicks to others?


Only if the head is covered


Used my wifes satisfyer pro 2 on my dick


Never even considered it! How was it?


Point that thing to the underside of your peen right below the helmet. It takes a bit to build up but holy shit....


You know these weird intrusive thoughts you sometimes have when near somewhere you could jump from? Welp one time i just put a butter knife up my V. Edit: Yes, blade first. No it didn't hurt or cut me, i was lucky my heavily dissociated 14 yo self snapped back to reality fast enough to remove it carefully. I then scrubbed that thing like my life depended on it.


I dont got one but that made mine hurt


I don't have one either, but mine shriveled dry.


Got a cheap game for my ps4 that made the controller vibrate a lot because my vibrator was broken Edit: I swear I get so many wholesome awards just because of my username. My dudes: the name is about blue Doc Martins.


~~Modern~~ problems require modern solutions!


Either inserting a popsicle into my ass (because I have a fetish for inserting really cold things inside me, and I've done it with ice cubes before), orrrr squirting shampoo into my ass because I thought maybe it would feel like someone cumming inside me and, being a virgin at the time, I wanted to know what it was like. It was nothing like someone cumming inside of me, and I would like to add that I do not recommend squirting shampoo anywhere *inside of* your body. Ever.


Did you fart bubbles?


I shit burning globs of sudsy shampoop, so kind of.


As I scrolled past I thought that 'shampoop' was a funny typo. Then I scrolled back up to read your original comment and realised I was wrong.


I bet it felt like napalm in your asshole.


I love the smell of napalm in my asshole. It smells like... *victory.*


As a horny and desperate youth I was constantly looking up new ways to rub one out. My biggest fuck up was after I saw the video of how to make a pocket pussy out of two dish sponges, a dish glove, and a cup. I had the cup, but no sponges or rubber glove. What I did have was two mr clean magic erasers, and some Saran Wrap. Long story short, Saran Wrap does not create an effective barrier between skin and caustic chemicals. I had a chemical burn on the head and shaft of my dong for about 2 weeks. Didn’t go to the hospital, but I did have to wear the softest pair of shorts I owned for a while. Kids, read the warning label before you put your dick in something. Edit: I guess it turns out that magic erasers do not contain caustic chemicals. This information does nothing to lessen my shame. Edit 2: obligatory thank you for my first gold. However, whoever gave a wholesome to this may need to speak to a professional.




[Remember these things?](https://imgur.com/a/iEgoQ0S) And I know I'm not alone but my once innocent childhood toy turned into a really bad fleshlight when I started going through a ton of puberty.


Love how I knew exactly what it was going to be hahahah


Funny, I knew exactly what was behind the link before opening it. One word: Painful. Edit: My first awards ever, thank you!


I too was once young. But I was a resourceful 11 year old.... mine smelled like olive oil forever and ever after that.


I didn’t even have to click the link to know exactly what it was. God speed




Basically a wet-dream... whilst awake?


Wanked it while riding a tandem bike home from a fetish party Edit to address some questions: Solo, Front, I often ride tandem solo because its fun, less likely to be stolen and is quite useful for bringing someone home on. Currently working on rigging a small vibrator to the back seat with controls at the front. Yup, username checks out, redditor 9 years, and proud of this being my most upvoted comment. Thanks for the bling


Where the fuck are fetish parties at???


Grandma's house


I have rather religious and conservative parents. They decided to put off the sex talk (at least the details) until my senior year of high school. So when I started getting erections back in middle school, I had no idea what was going on. Not really understanding them, I thought it was like an ache or some really weird itch. So to “scratch” it, I’d lie on my front in bed, press my groin against the mattress, and rock back and forth. Tl;dr: I humped my mattress until high school.


SENIOR YEAR!? I got mine in 5th grade. I think adults need to understand it’s better for kids to learn about what’s going to happen before it happens rather than after so they aren’t super confused and end up doing something stupid


...you guys got a sex talk?


Was in a class at school. Back then I would get turned on so easily. For some reason there was a photo of a hot girl in bikini in a mural on the wall. To this day I'm specially turned on by girls in swimsuits. I saw it and was instantly turned on. Spent the entire class thinking about it. The class ended. Couldn't hold myself. Decided I had to relieve myself right there. Hid myself below some chairs or something. Everyone left. Teacher left. I stood up, looked at the pic, almost exploding. Started jerking off. Was done in seconds. Creamed everything. Strangely, to this day, like 20 years later, I don't remember what happened next.


that sounds like a wet dream, especially since you cant remember what happens next


Or the shame of getting caught by the janitor who had to clean up the product was so much that his mind decides to nope that memory right from the hard drive


WHAT THE FUCK. Mostly I want to know why there was a large picture of a girl in a bikini in your classroom???


My first boyfriend got caught by his parents for filling a ziplock with mustard and putting it between his bed mattress and fucking it- parents walked in- yellow dick- mid thrust. 😂


I decided to fuck a Hot Pocket® fresh out of the microwave. Too hot. Waited for it to cool down. Went again. It fell apart. Finished. Overall, not a good experience, would not recommend.


Told this story before but I've masturbated into an empty McFlurry container. More than once. While I was alone at work. It's one of those things I look back on and think... what was I thinking? In my defense: 1. I was 17 or 18. Horny. All. The. Time. 2. Mc Flurry containers SEEM to be ergonomically designed for a quick clean up. If you're wondering, yes, you have to WATCH OUT for the edge of the container. Not very easy to use but it just looks like a container with a hole guys. Teenage horniness is just weird. 3. I was essentially a skeleton staff in a two person office where the other person was on vacation and I just had to keep the office "running". Take messages and write emails to prevent the office from seeming dead. I really hope that office didn't have cameras.


Oh my god I was so worried you worked in mcdonalds


I was just praying he didn’t work in my city...Damn this one will take a while to go away


Former camgirl here. I have a lot of stories. One of my clients had a thing for me making a bikini out of plastic bags and wearing them. He would book me for up to an hour to pose and talk to him about sexual situations where I might be wearing a plastic bag during sexy times. Even shoved a plastic bag up my pussy a time or two. He had a thing for the 'crinkling' and when he was getting close he would say shit like 'yes darling, make it crinkle' over and over again. Another client liked me to get fully nude and tear up newspaper. Not carbon paper or construction paper or anything else. Just newspaper. Last but not least, one client was into race play/degradation, which was fine by me, it was all fun and games. He was Asian and instead of the usual stereotypical stuff that most race play relies on (i.e. Asian men have small dicks, etc), he had more sophisticated tastes. He got really into it when I talked about why various Asian countries lost various global conflicts. I.e "Tell me more about why we lost the Vietnam War" or "Tell me why the Japanese were nuked by the Americans, babe." All while I had a dildo in various orifices and was putting on my best bedroom voice. When you do sex work, you see all kind of wacky kinks, and as someone who catered to fetishes specifically, I have seen some shit. But those three definitely stood out as moments where I felt like I was being trolled.


Started out as a camgirl, ended as an expert in south eastern geopolitical conflicts. Level up


“Tell me more about why we lost the Vietnam War” I’m fucking crying


*masturbates furiously as fortunate son plays in the background*


I’m just imagining some guy nutting while saying, “Oh god we lost the Americans bombed Japan oh god oh fuck”


this thread is horrible I can’t stop reading


I’ll start by saying I’m glad I never got my dick ripped off. I was sexually repressed by religion and it led to weird sex things. Our top load washing machine had just the right amount of vibration, and I discovered I could run it with the lid open by jamming some pennies into the hinge area. The top of the spindle had a hole/cup in the top (where you are supposed to add bleach or fabric softener, or apparently dick). Wrap my dick in something soft, lay across the washing machine and put it the bleach hole. Let me tell you, when it hit spin cycle, I didn’t last long. Thanks for bringing up these horrifying times in my life. EDIT: Thanks for all the awards and making THIS by far the most upvoted thing I’ve ever posted anywhere. In the virtual world this is now my legacy. Damn it.


Wow yeah I'm amazed you never got hurt holy shit


holy shit nooooooooo


Dear god that could have been bad


The thought that you started rotating vertically along with the machine suddenly went through my mind... EDIT: thank you so much for all the upvotes, this is my most upvoted comment so far :)


Scrolling through this thread has assured me of my normalcy


Phone sex. I’ve only done it once with a SO many years ago and I felt so damn awkward the entire time. She was way into it but I couldn’t even get a semi. I 100% faked my orgasm.


Yoooo 100% did this except he got off, I didn’t lol


Tried phone sex with strangers, it was fun, except all the people I found were middle-aged women, which...made sense?


Stayed awake afterwards and had a nice conversation with myself.


I gave myself a hanging wedgie using the door while having clothespins on my nipples. I rubbed my dick until I came through the underwear.


While some answers are weirder, this is the funniest one I've read.


Where I was grounded so much as a child, i found that my Xbox controller was a great use as a vibrator. I’d keep my finger on the trigger button to make it keep vibrating. I was 9 when I first figured this out and it was definitely my favourite toy haha. This was the Xbox crystal btw Edit: for everyone wondering how I found this out when I was only 9, my stepdad was a narcissist and he grounded me to my room for 6 months at a time. He was also very abusive so I stayed in my room a lot anyways. It’s just one of the things I figured out. I had the controller on my lap one day and it started vibrating and I was curious as to why it felt nice. So I investigated a bit more. I had hit puberty hard by 9, I was already having periods. I guess it’s just one of those things guys lol. I’m 25 now so this was a long time ago.




When I was a kid, I used to fall asleep during church service a lot. To remedy this, my mom would send me back to the lobby with my Bible and have me stay out there for the rest of the service. Eventually, to pass the time, I would go to the bathroom with my Bible in hand and start jerking it to Song of Solomon like I was reading penthouse. > How beautiful are your sandaled feet, princess! > The curves of your thighs are like jewelry, > the handiwork of a master. > 2 Your navel is a rounded bowl; it never lacks mixed wine. > Your waist is a mound of wheat surrounded by lilies. > 3 Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Song of Solomon 7:1-3


This guy really jacked off to a bible lmao


What do you think kids jerked it too pre porn but post protestant reformation? Can't rely on goat porn, they're fickle and quick.


When it was raining hard outside i went out by the barn and stuck my finger in a hole in the mud then made the ground my bitch.


I've got many... maybe too embarrassing to admit but thats why I made this account. I've used anything, and I mean anything, I could find in the bathroom to pleasure myself. Top most embarrassing things are pill containers and the plunger. I learned that masturbating while having to pee makes it feel good so I would do so often. So often that one time I peed all over the bathroom floor. I tried to fuck myself with a water bottle. All these happened before I was 15. I thought everyone did these things............ Edit 1: I am cis-female. I was careful cleaning up things before and after. No, I don't use random objects anymore. I am an adult (Turned 25 yesterday. Thank you for an interesting birthday post development) and thus have better outlets. My husband's reaction to how much attention this got was: "Let them know you're poly!" Edit 2: This is probably dead by now but my account almost got permanently banned for this post (???). Whatever reddit.


The only part of this one I find gross is the plunger. I really really hope it was clean.


It was a wooden handle so it was perfect for buttstuff in my eyes *sigh* I'd disinfect everything with alcohol before hand...


Used glue as a lube. My balls glued together. Not a fun conversation with my parents.


Your ball's are seperated?


Wife and I made a dildo copy of my dick using “Clone-a-Willy”. One day I was messing around and put it in my ass. When people tell me to go fuck myself, I literally have.


When I was a teen I went to my local amusement park. Won one of those HUGE stuffed bears. Guess who became my new humping buddy? Sorry, Jingles. edit : WHY DOES THIS HAVE 400 LIKES? Edit 2: someone DM'd me saying they want to be my new jingles. Jfc Edit 3: everyone's going to horny jail