What's the lamest way that you injured yourself badly?

What's the lamest way that you injured yourself badly?


I thought the glowing sand under the disposable BBQ would be cool to touch, it was not cool in the slightest


My stepfather dumped the ash from the grill in the trash. Ended up setting the plastic garbage can on fire.


I broke my nose while opening the fridge. I was sleepy and stood too close. That's when I stopped the habit of night snacking.


I broke my arm just riding my bike on flat ground. I saw a shiny rock and turned my head to look at it and fell over.


I was riding full speed down a hill once and a bee hit my forehead, knocked me ass over teacups, wrecked the bike.


LinkLinerson, I'm am upvoting you just because you used the phrase "ass over teacups." I don't think I've ever heard anyone but my husband use that phrase until now.


Plot twist: It's your husband's secret reddit.


While theyre on their own secret reddit account


Threw my back out taking a shit.


Might be time to consider adding a little fiber to the diet


I should have stated it was more from moving/tweaking a certain when I reached for the toilet paper, but boy did it hurt lol.


I read this hilarious story about a guy who was pushing out a shit during a thunderstorm and then right when it came out everything went black. He thought he shit himself blind and his mind was racing on how to explain to his family, until he saw a flash of lightning through a window.


Shit himself blind is the funniest thing I've heard in a good while


Dropped a chair on my face. Still got the scar 20 years later.


Why were you carrying a chair?


I was laying on the floor holding a fold-up chair over me. It slipped and landed on my face, just above my eye. I should add, I was about 9 or 10 at the time. Probably old enough to know better though!


This sounds exactly like something a 9-year-old would do...and exactly like the result I would expect.


It broke its leg.


Was trying to drive a nail vertically into a pencil, ended up driving it into my hand instead


That exact thing happened to me but with a blow dart Edit: here is the [xray](https://www.reddit.com/user/420danger_noodle420/comments/i9qwd8/xray_of_blow_dart_in_my_hand/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)


Thanks for sharing your film! I’m in school for x-ray tech, and exams like yours are my favorite to work on. I feel for my patients, but these injuries are just fascinating!


I fainted and shattered my foot. By just getting out of bed. Seriously, got up and went to the bathroom, felt that 'wah-wah-wah' feeling, grabbed a bottle of water then crumpled, unconscious, in front of my fridge in my own apartment. I'd just moved in, didn't even have furniture and had been sleeping on a bedroll til I could pick up my stuff. I broke 3 metatarsals clean through, two chip fractures. Resulted in 2 plates and 12 screws. Didn't walk for almost 6 months. Edit: word


I stepped off a curb coming out of a movie theater and rolled my ankle. I ended up fracturing a bone in my foot that required surgery. I was on crutches for about 6 months.


I was walking down a set of stairs at the airport and missed the bottom step. Hurt like f$%&. But I was on my way to Italy for two weeks so bought a pair of compression stockings and squeezed my very swollen foot into both of them for the flight. Walked/hobbled stubbornly around in the beautiful cities of Italy (Florence, Venice, Verona, Pisa)for two weeks, no crutches, just a support bandage in my sandals, on what turned out was a fractured heel-bone.


Missed a curb and stepped funny and I ignored the pain thinking I just like pulled a muscle. Finally went to the doctor two months later and apparently I fractured my spine and tore my hip labrum


This happened to a teacher at my high school and she got a blood clot from the surgery and died


Remind me to never walk again


Never walking is another good way to get a blood clot.


Remind me never to get a blood clot


I stepped in a hole in the ground and rolled my ankle. I partially tore my Achilles and needed a boot for a month or two. It’s bullshit, I have weak ankles and sometimes I’ll step down somewhere and randomly roll my ankle.


I'm waiting for the day I get an ankle injury. Sometimes my ankles just spasm when I walk and I land on them. Even on flat surfaces. Wore 2in heels to a wedding (practiced walking in them for weeks) almost ate shit walking down the aisle as the maid of honor... Had a death grip on the best man's arm.


Not me but one of my teachers in high school tripped on his sword and stabbed his leg. Had to go to the ER.


why did he have a sword?


We did a civil war reenactment every year where the school would be divided between north and south and battle each other


How many casualties were allowed per year?


Enough to see who wins the battle


Such a good school.


"Some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."


I bet some students got injured


I have questions


I should clarify. Kids pelted tennis balls at each (which still hurt like hell) and the teacher had a sword


I have a few more questions


That doesn't seem like a fair fight, somehow.


His stabbed leg levelled the playing field


A teacher was allowed to carry a sword?


It was a small private Christian school. Weapons in school were pretty normal since a lot of the kids were into hunting. Revealing clothes though? Hell no.


Grew up in small town in CO. Hunting rifles in trucks were normal. We would get out of class to go see animals people bagged that day.


One semi loud sneeze. Popped a vessel in my nose. Had to go to the hospital because it bled like a faucet..


This is why it's so important to always sneeze full volume. Try and bottle any of it up, and it'll find another way out!


True. Now i'm all in on dad sneezes!




Unfortunately I sneeze really quietly and it makes everyone think I'm holding it in. My cousin once said I sound like a pistol with a silencer whilst he sounded like a shotgun.


Stepping from one level surface to another while gardening. Rolled my ankle so hard that that horrible sensation of WRONGNESS alone almost made me throw up. Had to crawl into the house; whole foot and calf turned purple and I was on crutches/no driving for months. ETA: I have so many limping brethren who share my deep disappointment in the fundamental design flaws of ankles! Love to you all - big feels to everyone who has, unhappily, joined this club.


I refused to take off a band aid when I was around 6 years old. It got infected and they almost had to amputate my leg.


legs don't grow on trees


Avast, matey! If ye be a-sailin' o' the seven seas upon a peg leg, happen they do.


A lot of things don't grow on trees


Legs, for example


Many limbs grow on trees, just not the ones we may need


Arms do


Ah, yes, the Tibetan arm tree. The 8 1/2th wonder of the world.


But they do grow from your trunk.


I did the same thing but they didn’t nearly amputate it, just a small scar on my left hand for a long time that I still have


The thing was that I wasn't supposed to hear about it. I woke up just as the doctor and my mom were talking in the other room. The doctor said that there was a high chance that they would need to amputate. Imagine hearing that as a 6 year old.


As a 6 year old I wouldn’t even know the definition of amputate but that was just me.


Your parents allowed you to refuse? I mean, as a parent if I saw something like swollen pussy leg around a bandaid, my kid can refuse all she/he wanted, but that things is being taken off. I don't let 6 year olds make decisions like that ... for exactly this reason. Though in fairness, it was just a bandaid, what harm could it do?


My mom wanted me to rip it off, or my dad, but I would just lock myself in somewhere so they couldn't do anything. And the bandaid covered the scrape enough so that we couldn't see it. My dad basically just said that I would take it off in time. It did fall off... about 2 months after I had it on. Then we saw how screwed up it was. The scrape was on the entirety of my knee, so we couldn't see it at all. My entire knee was purple and it hurt to put pressure on it. So I got to spend about a week in the hospital. The lesson here is: Don't be a whiny bitch.


I'm amazed it didn't fall off after getting wet when I'm assuming you showered or whatever.


I sliced my finger open the other night and put a bandaid on it before bed. By morning it had fallen off. What kind of bandaids did these people have?!?!


I'm sorry, but band aids aren't strong enough to keep your fingers attached.


> The lesson here is: Don't be a whiny bitch. Lesson to parents: Sometimes being a parent means not doing what your child wants.


My sister just had a newborn baby and its debating on what name to chose from because my niece which is 4 year old wants certain name . And my sister is like Oh I don't know what to do if I choose another name little Alice (my niece) will get mad ! You can imagine how she is growing up....


>I refused to take off a band aid when I was around 6 years old. It got infected and they almost had to amputate my leg. When Little Timmy got a cut, A *scratch*, to be precise - He said: "I think it's better, but I think the band aid's nice. "I like my tiny band aid friend, My budding bro," he said - "The pal on which I might depend For all the years ahead! "I like my fabric friend a lot!" He spoke with hope and pride. Alas, his friend was hiding *rot.* And Timmy fucking died.


Omg the end got me


I tried to pee off the side of a hot tub because I was jealous that my brother and his friends could do it (I'm female). I slipped and cracked open my chin on concrete.


Were you 5 or 25 when this happened? Because one is funnier than the other.


I’d beat 25


Craziest 40th birthday party ever.


I've dislocated my shoulder multiple times high fiving. And twice getting out of bed.


Is it true that once you dislocate it it's easier to dislocate again? Seems like everybody dislocated it more than once


Very much so. Everything keeps getting stretched out each time, and there can even be bone loss/damage from friction/grinding, like in my case. I've thrown it out 15 times and had 3 surgeries.


By climbing a tree and just standing there and somehow slip and break my legs. Edit:it had been raining and I was 7.


i'm sorry but the mental image of some guy standing in a tree, completely still, suddenly slipping on nothing and breaking his legs is just hilarious to me


Well, you're right.


I have a giant scar on my ankle from shaving my legs drunk..


I may or may not have tried to shave my pubes drunk and may or may not have injured my crotch


I can neither confirm or deny i wasn't drunk


I can neither confirm or deny I wasn't drunk, nor shaving my pubes


Female. I cut my lip shaving while I was shaving my legs. On an upward pass on my leg, the soapy razor slipped from my hand and up toward my face. Slice.


I cut my cheek shaving my legs. Went to push hair out of my face with the hand holding the razor. Got teased mercilessly about how I must have been shaving my face.




Coming from a lactose intolerant person: eating copious amounts of dairy to the point where I shit my organs out then pass out on the bathroom floor, then subsequently wake up with a small piece of my forehead missing.


Cheese is really good though


Mmm 64 slices of American cheese.. .... I think im blind.


Have you been up all night eating cheese!?


I got really high about two months ago and binge ate some peanut butter ice cream. (Blue bunny, in case you want the best ice cream ever) I ended up waking up at 3am, running to the toilet, shitting my brains out, and thankfully the tub was right in front of me so I threw up too. Never again.


All I know is thank god I'm not lactose intolerant!


I don’t think I am either but I just ate too much in general


When I was little I lived with my mom in a ranch house, and the whole house had this long and narrow hallway that ran through it. I thought it would be funny to run straight at my mom and “parkour” off the wall to pass her in the hallway at a high speed. In reality my foot slipped off the wall, I tripped over her foot and went straight down into my left hand as I caught my fall awkwardly. Broke my wrist in 2 places and broke three fingers lol


Parkour is where you go from point a to point b as creative as possible while point a is delusion and point b is the hospital Edit: thanks for the award kind stranger!




In the dark I ran into a clothesline, fell backwards onto the ground, and had a concussion.


Got knocked over by a 5 year old, hitting my head on a table and breaking my wrist in the process. I wish I was joking. Edit: wow, I’m reading some of your stories and feeling less alone. thanks for sharing!


Not me but a friend got drunk and punched a brick wall full force to prove how tough he was. The resulting damage to his hand left him permanently unable to fully close it. At the time he was very drunk and preaching about how harmful weed is because it destroys your body...


My dad told me a similar story! They’d been drinking, their sober ride is trying to drive them home, he sticks his hand out the window to punch a mailbox.... couldn’t do sports anymore after all the extensive surgeries they had to do on his hand. It’s wild how quickly your life can change!


I know, right? You never expect it coming from the mundane things you do every day, like punching mailboxes bare-handed from a moving vehicle. Even USPS California-stops most of the time, and they're professionals.


I've shared this before, but you reminder me of when I was in college and I punched a pint glass one night when I was drunk. It ended up slicing my finger really badly, like there was a flap of skin that came up. Went to the bathroom and ran it under water, but it just kept bleeding. I didn't know what to do and was too drunk to try to deal with it, so I just wrapped my hand in a towel and tried to go to sleep. Woke up to knocking at my door and it ended up being security. He followed a trail of blood from the bathroom to my room and wanted to make sure I was alright. I showed him my finger and he was like, "Come on, you gotta go to the hospital." Dude was a bro and drove me there even though it was like 3am. Saw a doctor and he had to give me a bunch of stitches. He said I was very lucky because if it was just a tiny bit deeper I would have probably had done permanant damage and lost mobility of the finger. Now I have [this scar on my finger shaped like a Nike swoosh](https://i.imgur.com/cEhQRG0.jpg) to remind me not to be stupid and try to fight glass.


just do it.


Ohhh! I have 2! I broke my hand attempting to punch my brother. Threw a weak fist, he blocked with his arm, and I broke the bone on the side of my right hand. I broke my clavicle after riding my bike into my dog in our driveway and flipping over the handlebars.


Oh no that’s terrible! Is the dog ok?


No - he's dead... ... but he was fine after the bike crash. This was like 20+ years ago LOL. He bounced right off and came to me to lick my face because he could tell I was hurt. He was a good boy.




>No - he's dead... >... but he was fine after the bike crash. 👏👏👏👏👏 Masterfully done


Lol, I broke a toe by kicking my brother. He blocked the kick with the heel of his hand.


I got a paper cut on my foot by walking past an open book


Fell on a plastic bucket. It shattered and went through my cheek. On the bright side I got a cool joker scar from it.


the amount of times i kicked myself in the balls while trying to remove my socks is way too high


That's happened to me never many times. You're doing it wrong.


More than once... bro... there's a lesson here somewhere


The lesson is to stop wearing socks.


How do you..


You might be doing it wrong, dude...


Wha- Huh? How?


One time I had a thought process that didn't end logically. I was horny, and I thought, vaginas are good because they are warm. Fire is warm. A big fire is too warm.. A little fire is little warm. I have a small lighter, I will put that to my penis. I burned my penis


Guys... we need to save this comment for the next time we are trying to explain to someone how we got from Point A to Point Catastrophe. It's just how it works sometimes.


Instructions unclear- dick ~~caught in ceiling fan~~ burned by cigarette lighter


This is how the human torch was created


Holy shit.. this one wins. I don’t even need to read the rest.


Buster, that didn't even start logically.


Was dropping a ceiling in an apartment complex for HVAC ductwork. I had safety glasses on that had a mild tint. I couldnt see well with them on for one nail I had to drive. It was new construction so there was no lights in the building. Took the glasses off and the second swing of the hammer send the nail straight into my right eye. What a stupid way to lose an eye


Nailed it


Sliced my hand open trying to trim my toe nails with tiny scissors on vacation.


I tore a muscle in my shoulder blade masterbating Edit: Why is THIS my most top rated comment....


That's what masturbating furiously means!


Oh.. So I *wasn't* supposed to literally bust my nuts?


I think we have a winner!


I think you mean *wiener*


Doctor: so, how did this happen OP: I was playing chess aggressively


I guess you had it cumming....


I was eight years old went I slipped in the bathroom and broke my front tooth on Christmas Day. It was already crooked to start with but it snapped of about half of my tooth, so we had to find a dentist who was willing to check that I hadn’t damaged the nerves of it. The good thing was it did it so that we met dr Andersen (real name) in California, who is an awesome guy. 10/10 would recommend because he’s very chill with kids. Don’t know if he has retired yet or not though.


Burnt the tip of my dick with a dab nail.


Very interesting, u/ScreamingGoatVagina


Yooo, what? How?


I live alone so I was Donald ducking it on the couch hitting dabs and I guess the nail wasnt properly secured so when I went to hit it one time I knocked it out Hit the tip then I flinch so it gets caught between my balls and leg before realizing the best course of action was to just stand up I didn't go to the hospital I just wrapped my chicken wing up in a damp paper towel and naturally continued smoking ya know to take care of the pain The whole thing felt like it happened in slow motion would not recommend however I did end up with an almost perfect burn imprint of the top of the dab nail on the tip of my dick for a while which was pretty cool


Many years ago (married 24 years now) my husband and I were goofing around play fighting, he’s a 2nd degree black belt, I’m a 2nd degree dumbass. I lunge forward while flinging my foot and kick him in the bum. Broke my ankle. He was unscathed. We still laugh about it today.


Hah, 2nd degree dumbass. Nice


Tried to impress a girl I had a crush on in 4th grade. Told her I can jump over her, jumped, hit my head on a door frame, had a concussion the next day.


Was she impressed?


He can't remember.


Probably not since I kinda landed on her. Though she became my best friend after that so, happy ending?


I was headed to the laundry room in my apartment building, and decided to walk down the icy steps in flip flops. I slipped, landed all 350lbs of my then-self on the edge of a step just above my left butt cheek. This resulted in a fractured pelvis and nerve damage, both of which still bother me from time to time 16 years later.


Not me and not sure if this counts but my cousin broke his finger on a bouncy castle.


I almost broke my neck on a jumping castle when i was about 15....


Bouncy castles are deadly


I stepped down off a truck bed and rolled my ankle. Broke 3 bones, tore ligaments, tendons, and one muscle. Out of work for 6 weeks.


Fell down one flight of stairs like going down a slide, fractured my tailbone. Thought it was just a really bad bruise and walked it off for one month before I thought of getting an x-ray. Even did foot drill before I found out. Also chased after the ex- president when he was jogging at a beach, fell and scrapped my knees. Got his attention, got up and said hi.




Threw my back out sneezing. Told my boss/coworkers I was helping my mom move something heavy because it was so embarrassingly lame.


*Cries in 30+*


Straight up fall out of a tree as a kid, fine and dandy Sleep weird in my 30's, guess I hurt forever


I literally woke up with shooting pain in my tailbone for three days and all I did was sit. The 30 year mark is our version of planned obsolescence. The warranty expired.


When Little Timmy felt an itch, A quiver in his nose - His nostril hair began to twitch, An inner squirm arose. He held his breath and raised his hand - He blinked a time or two - He closed his eyes and rose to stand - But *nothing* wandered through. "Well that's all right," he whispered pleased. He took his seat and sighed. He shook his head - and then he *sneezed*. And Timmy fucking died.


/u/Poem_for_your_sprog replied to me on my pervert account. I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed


I threw my back out a few months ago putting on my pants. Yeah. Screamed for the wife to help me to the bed. Not a good week.


A former student's dad is a paraplegic because something in his spine was damaged by a sneeze. Freak occurrence, but you're not alone.


Sometimes I choke on my own saliva, no talking or chewing involved


Threw my back out picking up an empty plastic water bottle. I feel your pain.


My husband has done this, too. I threw my back out just bending forward funny to spit out toothpaste while I was a in hurry once. I don't know which is more lame. Edit, a word.


Sometimes I sneeze so hard I struggle to catch my breath


I injured my eye quite badly putting safety glasses on too quickly, by jamming the arm into my eye.


Taking out the trash.... Slipped on some ice and blew my knee out.


This just happened like 5 days ago: I was taking a dump peacefully in my restroom and my daughter has a small wooden stool she uses to reach the counters and get on the toilet. I thought to myself, "well, im sitting here watching YouTube, may as well get comfortable. " I stretched my legs on to the stool, and all of a sudden i feel a VERY SHARP pain (imagine getting probed in your hip joint by a white hot iron poker that also electrocutes) in my hip joint. No major movement was done, other than just lifting my legs, straightening them out onto the stool. Had to finish taking a shit in severe, blinding pain. -10/10 would not recommend Now, every time i walk or try and straighten up, my hip feels like a jelly fish is fucking my hip with its stinger. Been going ok for 5 days but cant afford to see a chiro. Im boned. Being a 30yr old dude and this happening, sucks ass.


You should really get this checked out, the sooner the better. If you've torn/pulled anything, the longer you let it go, the more damage it could do and end up costing you so much more.


And not by a chiropractor....


Yeah this sounds like urgent care territory lol.


Please go to an actual doctor




Continued pain makes me wonder if something got trapped in the sublux - or tore the labrum


Dude, you really need to see a doctor ! You've probably fucked up a muscle or tendon around your the hip joint. It's only going to get worse without treatment !!


Do you have access to a free clinic of any kind. You should see a real doctor for that, not just a chiropractor




I was on holiday in France when I was about 10 and we were in a patisserie and the oven was right next to where you paid for your things. I said to my mum, “do you reckon that’s hot?” She said “touch it and find out”. So I stuck my hand flat on the surface and it stuck to the oven it was so hot. I then ripped it away and left a layer of skin on the side of the oven that started to crisp up and burn and it stunk. So yeah the next 10 days of the trip was fun having to have a burn glove on. a. I should have known a fucking oven that is glowing would be hot. b. Found out my mum thinks I’m not as smart as she thought.


This is pretty much the opposite of helicopter parenting. Red hot glowing patisserie oven parenting.


Was once cutting pants into shorts. While I was wearing them. With a 7 inch knife. It got caught on the seam. I pulled and stabbed myself in the thigh. I’m embarrassed to even type it


I punched my headboard. Direct hit. Beautiful technique; alignment of the wrist was pristine and contact was make on the first two knuckles. Still broke.


I cut off a pimple on my face with a dirty knife. I ended up getting infected and the entire right side of my face bloated up with pus (gradually), I’m talking I could barely see through my right eye. It was years ago but they cut something in my nose then drained the pus out my face.


Holy shit, that's (insert that lady yelling at her daughters for not flushing the shit) *DISGUSTANG*


Instead one small pimple you got one giant pimple!


Shaving my legs without paying attention. I ended up shaving off the skin on the back of my ankle. :(


I grabbed my ankle because I physically felt this. Flashbacks


I bumped my head into another child while on a trampoline. She was fine but I had to get stitches. I was like 10 or 11 maybe.


I didn't end up being badly injured but at the time I thought I was going to die. At my grandparents, my brother and I made a makeshift swing out of a tow rope and a random board when we were pretty young. We couldn't control the height of the swing very well because the limb we wrapped the rope around was thick, so the swing was high enough that we had to do a jump and pull combo to get into. At one point the rope broke while I was in the seat and I fell flat on my back. I had never had the wind knocked out of me before and when that happens you physically can not breath for a bit. I thought I broke a rib or something and it pierced my lung so I couldn't inhale (not how that actually works, but I was young). I thought was going to sufficate on the ground while my brother was standing over my telling me to not be a baby.


Hit a yoga ball with a metal baseball bat and it bounced back up and hit my head which broke my nose


Playing tig (or tag if you're american) and ran into a metal pole. Split my head open, blood everywhere and required multiple stitches. Now I have a scar on my forehead, kinda looks like an exclamation mark cos it leads to a mole at the bottom.


I sprained my jaw (yes that's apparently possible) by going down on a girl, hurt to eat anything for a month


Got my foot stuck in a couch completely dislocated it.


When I was like 5 years old, I was rolling around on the floor all wrapped up in a blanket because I was "a caterpillar in my cocoon". I hit my head on the corner of our brick fireplace, it didn't hurt but I touched my head and there was a lot of blood. We went to the ER or something and we had the option to do stitches, but I was five and chickened out, so we just put a gauze over it and I couldn't swim for a month. I still have a scar, it's in my hairline and it doesn't grow hair. I'm a very clumsy caterpillar.


The microwave cooking my pizza rolls upstairs *dinged* ready while I was downstairs playing Apex. I hadn’t eaten all day, so out of excitement, I sprinted around the corner and knocked my right foot on the wall and tore off my big toe nail. ER had to put 8 stitches in, big toe has nerve damage, and my toe nail grew back all fucked up. I was 28 at the time. Sorry, big toe.


Taking pizza rolls out of the oven. I touched the heating element and gave myself a second degree burn on my thumb.