By - Sami1398
"Jazz you can put your hands down." "He got a gun if I put my hands down now I got six warning shots in my back!"
My cousin Vinny
what is a yute?
Oh excuse me, your honor. Two *yoo-tha-saa*
Oh a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Let me think... I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
This. Only the lawyer is fictional - meaning that the case would be tried normally, as opposed to by the rules of whatever fictional universe the 100% success rate lawyer comes from. My Cousin Vinny has been praised by lawyers for being remarkably accurate and cousin Vinny's technique has also been noted as being excellent by people with actual courtroom experience.
If it were a case of a fictional lawyer in their fictional universe - maybe I'd go with someone else. But a fictional lawyer who has to play by the rules of the real world legal system? I don't think there's a better choice than Vincent Gambini.
I can't believe how far i had to scroll to find the only logical answer.
Happy people just don’t kill their husbands
I didn’t even think of this and I am so disappointed in myself
She was great in law school. By now, with tons of experience under her belt, she'd be my top pick!
And on top of her skill and intelligence she's genuinely kind and listens to people. I know she'd do her best to help me, even though she's a pretty sorority sister type and I'm an ugly cat lady type.
She'd still love you. And your cats
Elle would say you're a pretty sorority sister cat lady.
What, like its hard?
Bend... and snap!
Any Cosmo girl would have known!!
I want Bob Loblaw to drop a Bob Loblaw Law Bomb.
Have you read the Bob Loblaw Law Blog?
That’s a low blow, Loblaw.
Maggie Lizer could be another good one.
Perry Mason. He only ever lost one case.
This really is the only right answer if you're actually in trouble. Not only will he save your bacon and find the real culprit as well as their motive, but you'll have the pleasure of hearing him do it in the smoothest of baritones.
but what if im guilty
Perry Mason's clients are almost never guilty, for some reason. Try Saul Goodman.
I assume that Mason is an excellent judge of character. He turns down the guilty clients.
Perry Mason could hold the attention of a 90's child in black and white television.
Charlie Kelly, of course. I want the best expert on Bird Law in the world on my case.
They will get Jack Kelly to counter you. You don't stand a chance. Have you seen the size of his hands?
Hmmm it would be a tough call between him and the Jew lawyer...I do love that he never charges!
Bird law in this country, it's not governed by reason.
Vincent LaGuardia "Vinny" Gambini
Even if I go down I get to meet Marisa Tomei
Surely you mean Jerry Gallo.
edit: JERRY. Geez, it's been awhile.
"Jerry Gallo? Jerry Gallo's dead."
"I'm aware of that!"
Alan shore and Denny Crane
Edit: Thankyou for the awards.
I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load.
Had to scroll too far for this
Matt Murdock for sure
Nelson and Murdock for sure
Edit: holy shit first silver for this comment, thank you!
Avacados at law
This was one of my favorite parts of the show. Made them feel more human.
Well they are human. However, Matt's zombie ex girlfriend is notably not a human
Fuck now I can’t stop thinking about how the show got cancelled
It at least had some dignity of a cohesive semi natural ending. Still a sad day though.
Id go with Foggy. Wouldnt want Matt missing opening statements.
Or as I like to think of him, Señor Foggy.
Avocados at law
He might break into prison and get you out if you end up getting sent to prison
Then Im a convicted felon and a fugitive. Id rather have a lawyer that will show up on time and win the trial.
Lionel Hutz..so we can have a celebratory belt of scotch at 9:30 in the morning.
Edit: Okay realised the accurate quote is 9:30 in the morning, thanks for pointing it out!
He’s argued in front of every judge in Springfield - some of them as a lawyer!
He's had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog... But replace the word "accidentally" with "repeatedly", and "dog" with "son".
The brownest of the brown liquors...
Not to mention his stance on 'lawyer, dumpster confidentiality'
Your honor, I’d like to motion for a bad court thingy.
Yeah! That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law talking guy!
Works on contingency
No money down
Works on contingency? No, money down
Oops, it shouldn’t have this bar association logo on here either
But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law, which is unbreakable." Which is unbreakable!
I've heard Matlock is a good choice. For ten grand, he’ll actually sit behind you in court and read the paper. For $15,000, he’ll actually sit at the defense table. For $20,000, he’ll twice lean forward and whisper something in your ear.
You can't argue with that kind of value.
I have the worst fucking attorneys
They can't arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.
Can I get a discount if I just want the whispering?
You're looking at it all wrong...After the retainer, he's hourly. Matlock wins every case in 40 minutes plus commercials!
Matlock’s retainer was $100,000 in the late 80’s, and he almost always defended murder cases, so you’d better be on the hook for something *extra* bad.
But he also had like a 100% acquittal rate and usually got the real culprit to confess on the witness stand. It's actually a good value. You get acquitted, old people love him, and he makes some folksy joke on the way out of the court room.
> usually got the real culprit to confess on the witness stand.
This is extra-valuable. For most murder trials, let's say you get off. You're still a former murder defendant who's gotta go get a job. It's a hell of a lot easier to do that when someone else has confessed in open court. $100k is actually a great value against your lifetime earning expectation.
Harvey birdman attorney at law. Man lost some brain cells watching that back in the day.
Thank for the awards guys.
This is easily my most used reference that is missed by 100% of everyone.
I work in a corporate office environment and use this quote 6 times a day. And no one gets it. No one.
It's difficult though because it's kind of nonspecific so even if someone said it to me I'd hesitate to respond because I wouldn't know if they in fact were quoting it or not.
I'd rather be represented by Reducto though.
Still one of the best theme songs of all time.
Some of the best side characters too. Mentok the Mind-Taker was amazing. Also Stephen Colbert voiced the shrink ray guy as well as the boss.
I love when Mentok gets sidetracked with one upping other characters that may do something better than him.
The one with Elroy Jetson correcting him using future knowledge comes to mind.
> *Too cute. Pocket Nostradamus here thinks he can tell the future!*
Not there! There!!
Annalise Keating, obviously
She is messy af but gets the job done. Also might inadvertently kill you.
Hol' up. SHE never actually killed anyone.
Is that a bad thing?
I see this as an absolute win.
As long as you don't meet her interns/interns' parents/collaborators/lover/husband/rivals, you might just make it
This is the correct answer. Best case, she wins your case while waltzing through some ethical gray areas. Worst case, your accuser ends up dead and no one can figure out why or how.
This is way to far down. Doesn’t rely on any gamesmanship or fancy tricks, doesn’t try to cheat the system, just strives for justice.
But what if I’m guilty? I don’t want justice, I want courtroom shenanigans to help me escape justice.
Even if I’m innocent, I don’t want what passes for “justice.” I want whatever courtroom shenanigans get me out of the ordeal.
The Hyper Chicken Lawyer from Futurama.
Edit: Thanks for the award
*Now, I may be just a simple hyper chicken...*
I’m sorry, I thought you was corn.
Don't mind if I cock-a-doodle-do
Your Honor, that's something we cannot... a-doodle-doo.
Judge Whitey: Counselor, what evidence do you offer for this new plea of insanity?
Hyper-Chicken: Well, for one, they done hired me to represent them.
Judge Whitey: Insanity plea is accepted.
"The judge has allowed you got get off with 4 hours community service"
"Awwww 4 hours? Couldnt you have just gotten me the death penalty"
"Ida done better if I wasnt awaiting trial for that there incompetence"
Did you just say "extra crispy recipe?"
Build your defense team with the addition of "Single Female Lawyer"
I say y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o trouble.
"I'm sorry, I thought you was corn."
Jeff Winger from Community.
He was actually a good lawyer, plus maybe I could get to be on *Troy and Abed in the Morning* to discuss the case.
Honestly he was one of the best, but just didn't have the paper that said he was legally allowed to be the best.
"I thought you had a degree from Georgia."
"And now I need one from America."
Colombia, actually! But I give it a B+ because it still works.
"Shirley, don't sue a stripper!"
"She's a stripper. Life sued her, and she lost"
"Jeff, did you know if I have sex with this guy I can use his beach house whenever I want?"
"Wow, sounds like you guys might have invented the *newest* profession in the world."
Aaaaand there it is, the comment that convinced me to go through Community yet again
So I'm imagining this courtroom setting, kind of like Judge Judy. The dean is the judge, dressed up like Judge Judy of course and either Starburns or Leonard are the bailiff. Troy and Abed are doing the post game interviews in the hallway. Annie is Jeff's legal aid. Britta and Shirley are audience members planted for camera cutaways.
Fletcher from Liar Liar.
Fletcher: Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
Fletcher: Good call!
No lie, liar liar is the movie that made me want to go to law school
Edit: for anyone else asking, yes I went to law school and became an attorney! It's not *as* fun as the movie, but I love it (I work in compliance not litigation, but I've done litigation before)
Single female lawyer!
Since female lawyer, being self relient.
Wearing miniskirts, and helping out her client.
"Hey I'm pretty good!"
Every time Bender says "single female lawyer, havin' lots of sex" I die laughing.
It took me an hour to write, I thought it would take an hour to read!
Edit:thanks fot the awards guys, these are my first ones!
What did you just say to me? Get the hell out of my office. Oh by the way, the file came in, and you're *not* going to like it
Bullshit! Now, get your shit together and do your goddamn job!
#GODDAMIT you Son Of A Bitch YOU SET ME UP
*looks at cover sheet inside binder*
**YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS**
You better watch your mouth, Harvey.
It’s still my name on the goddamn door.
But it will be your face in the papers tomorrow, rbbr12.
I don't know why I ever walked in this door all those years ago, but I sure as hell know why I'm walking out! **Slams door**
I'm sure I'm not the only person who reads all these in Harvey's voice and that other one in Jessica's.
*Theme music begins*
No, here's what you're going to do instead. This deposition is over! WHERE IS DONNA? LOUIS WHAT DID YOU DO AGAIN?
Damn right! Harvey goddamn specter!
now get the hell out of my office.
What did you just say to me?
1000%. Harvey just gets shit done however necessary. Bonus points if you get Mike on the team
I knew a guy who had the same memory mutant ability in high school but I didn't believe him so I showed him the UPC code from some bag of chips and he looked at it and said it was memorized so I put it in my wallet and for the next few years at random times I'd take it out when I saw him wherever and he'd say each number exactly right.
I'd love to bump into him now and see if he still has it but of course I don't have the UPC code anymore and he's probably mega rich and successful and married and happy.
Hate that guy.
God dammit, Harvey.
After I realized the only "bad word" they're ever allowed to use on the show is "god dammit" and that they say it *all the freaking time*, the show kind of broke for me.
Last couple of seasons they used fuck like crazy. The first time it was shocking as I had fully realized they never had actually cussed.
Yeah I'm watching it right now and just got to season seven or eight and WOW do they start dropping f-bombs left and right.
Jennifer Susan Walters, AKA She-Hulk.
Private attorney, adventurer; formerly bounty hunter, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, actress, mine slave, Magistra of the Living Tribunal, NYC Assistant District Attorney.
Law degree from UCLA (University of California, Los Angeles)
South Park's version of Johnny Cochran
I scrolled down way too far to find this response. That does not make sense!
People forget before he was the greatest peewee hockey coach of all time he was the sleaziest defense attorney in Minnesota.
“You really stooped to an all-time low on this one, Bombay.”
“I’m insulted by that, Frank, you have no idea how low I can stoop.”
This is the best answer and no one else is saying it.
Mighty Ducks is the tragic story about how a lawyer with a 30-0 record threw it away for some dumb kids and "morality."
Barry Zuckerkorn. He's very good.
Marshal Eriksen, before he became a judge.
**We are international businessmen! On an international business trip! **
Is he going to flail and bluff and make a fool out of both of us? You bet your biscuit. Is he going to make me question the wisdom of ever having been born as the entire courtroom looks on, concerned, at his antics? It's a guarantee, my friend. Am I going to be embarrassed for the rest of my life? As sure as vampires are scared of the sun.
But is Phoenix Wright going to find the truth, identify the real culprit, get me a Not Guilty verdict, and possibly solve all my interpersonal issues while he does?
In a kangaroo court, he can not only prove someone innocent, he can also track down the real culprit. He has an extremely good track record for such an incredibly rigged criminal justice system.
Not only will get get you off the hook, he'll put your prosecutor in jail!
He has a pretty good track record of that too.
which is impressive given Japan's [99.9% conviction rate](https://www.nippon.com/en/japan-topics/c05401/order-in-the-court-explaining-japan%E2%80%99s-99-9-conviction-rate.html)
The game itself is considered a critique of the absurdity of that fact.
I mean he cross examined a bird once and got the truth. You can't beat that kind of lawyer.
top 2 answers on this thread are probably what everyone thought of. If youre guilty call Saul, if you're innocent phoenix wright
If you get mixed up and hire Phoenix while guilty, try having his assistant kidnapped
Man, what a case that one was
it really blew my mind first time I played it
you can also get away with being a [smooth criminal](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxggbBvmF38)
edit: not my creation
Why on Earth would I pick anyone else? This man can pull evidence out his ass and it ends up being completely right.
I don't think I'm quirky enough to be one of his clients. I also really hope I'm never even tangentially involved in a murder, because that seems to be the only kind of case he ever takes on.
(Trials and Tribulations spoilers) >!He takes on a grand larceny case in the third game, but his client gets accused of murder right after getting a not guilty verdict for the theft lmao.!<
That wasn’t Justice For All that was Trials and Tribulations
Anyway, (Spirit of Justice spoilers) >!He also handles a civil case over the property of an object at the end of this game!<
Ah but the **UPDATED AUTOPSY REPORT**
"The victim was shot at point blank range while on a boat with the defendant in the middle of a lake. The defendant's fingerprints are the only ones on the murder weapon. There is a photograph of the defendant shooting the victim. The prosecuting attorney is a corrupt perfectionist who hasn't lost a case in forty years."
Phoenix proves the defendant innocent anyway.
He even cross-examines a god damn parrot in the process, while solving both *that case* as well as the case from the DL-6 Incident which was a single day from reaching the statute of limitations.
Phoenix Wright is a god that enjoys playing the role of human.
(Damnit, Edgeworth saw straight through my bluff. Now I have nothing and my client will be found guilty for sure. If only Maia were here she'd know just what to do.)
Mia? Or Maya? Or do you mean Maya possessed by Mia?
order order order I will have order.
Well probably Pearl possessed by Mia since Maya is in jail again
Why are you badgering me? I'm your witness!
Specially if you're questioning a ticket you got on a roundabout.
Better Call Saul
I don't need a criminal lawyer. I need a *criminal* lawyer.
Chuck disagrees lol
I guess he was already completely fucked up mate lol
No need to even face the police again. Saul will arrange for a van to pick me up so I can just disappear. Now that’s a good lawyer.
I would like to order the dust filter for a Hoover Max Extract 60 Pressure Pro.
You’re $5k short
You are going to jack me up over a measly $5,000?
It was $1800. But who's counting?
Is there really anyone else to name? The guy plays dirty and gets the results.
Kim Wexler is really fucking good and makes you look less guilty.
"You can't hire Johnnie Cochran because you'll look guilty. What, you wanna look innocent in jail? I'd rather look guilty at the mall."
University of American Samoa baby 😎
Go Land Crabs!
"Don't drink and drive, but if you do; Call me!"
Only correct answer, i mean seriously
Thanks. Just opened the post to make sure this is the top comment.
'sall good, man.
Already put it out, but to who all they go when things get complicated?