By - JuicyCiwa
I think I heard something with my fourth ear,is that..... SOMEONE TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK!?
With 5 ears you can hear someone talking about you behind someone else’s back.
Unless they’re trophies
I replaced my cabinets with dishwashers.
That. . .would be pretty convenient, actually.
Having two dishwashers would be perfect. You'd never have to unload it. You'd just use dishes out of the clean one and put them in the dirty one when you're done. My god. Rich person dreams right there lol
Pretty normal in kosher households, too. They ain't fucking around with that "MEAT AND CHEESE DON'T FUCKING TOUCH" thing.
Lots of Jews are really only kosher at home, though. Much like Catholics but only when grandma's around.
EDIT: I caused some confusion - Catholics are not kosher, but meant that most Catholics aren't very Catholic unless grandparents are around.
Fisher and Paykel make a 2-drawer dishwasher everyone! Just in case you need it.
It’s amazing. I have dish drawers, so not enough space to store everything all the time, but there’s always one empty and waiting for dirty dishes. Great for marathon cooking sessions, parties, and water use reduction.
Do you think Lou Bega knocked it out of the park with Mambo Number One? No! But he kept at it!
He wrote Mambo Number One and it sank into the swamp.
right stop that no singing!
So he wrote a second one. That sank into the swamp.
So he wrote a third one. That sank into the swamp.
So here wrote a fourth one. That burnt down, fell over, then sank into the swamp.
But there fifth one stayed up!
That's what you're getting lad.
The strongest Mambo in these isles.
One two, three four five
Every Theban in the legion come on let's ride
To the market square around Carthage
The men say they want some honeyed wine
But I only want carnage
Lou claimed that the Mambo we got was indeed the 5th, but nobody knows anything about Mambos 1 through 4. What are you hiding from us, Bega?!
1 through 4 were the Bega testing. The fifth was the live release
1, 2, 345, everybody excited for launch? Because we're going live!
Real answer: Because Lou Bega sampled from Mambo No. 5 by Perez Prado, a Cuban mambo composer. He called it that simply because it was the fifth track on the album it was from.
Whatever you say, sheep. That’s exactly what Big Mambo wants you to think! /s
In Mambo #1 he had a little bit of Hayley all night long but Hayley found out about the song and all the other women and dumped him. When he moved on to Carrie he wrote Mambo #2. Carrie then also found out and dumped him. Sherrie was Mambo #3. Gary was Mambo #4. And then finally as we know it, Mambo #5 he was having a little bit of Mary all night long. Rumour has it he’s about to release Mambo #6 with a little bit Alexis all night long.
Number six??? Ew, David.
Mambos #1-4 we’re disasters. #5 came around just as america was finally ready to heal and start mamboing again.
You have to be OP on an alt, thats too good of an answer.
I always just assumed that the first four sucked and got thrown out
Just like 1UP through 6UP all sucked
And the books 1 through 1983. Say what you will about Orwell but he put in the time to perfect his craft.
Teaching my sister how to play poker, Dad forgot to take the joker out of the deck. On the last hand she asked "Well what does it mean if I have a joker?" And we go "Oh shit. I guess that means it's wild and you can decide what card it is." Very solemnly she says okay, puts her hand down, and goes "Five aces."
Dad and I went ape-shit. Was her first game ever.
That's amazing lol good for your sister
And she's been chasing that high since
My proudest game of BS is when I won on “5 aces”. I had 4 and my friends weren’t paying much attention.
A friend of mine had to leave in the middle of a game of BS, and he was right after me in the circle. He whispered to me to play all my cards, so I did, saying something like “Fourteen twos!” which he immediately followed up with by playing a card, ending the game.
Well, pardner, seems we got ourselves a little problem here because I also have 5 aces.
Ok fellas, let's put the derringers away...
One with my family, one with my friends one with my imaginary girlfriend, one in school, and one when I'm alone
I chuckled at the imaginary girlfriend part
I introduced my imaginary girlfriend to my dad and he said “you can do better.”
I said thanks dad, but then he told me that he was talking to my girlfriend
My husband laughed so hard at this he hurt his back. (He’s fine)
psychiatrist I saw said I had two personalities and wanted 82 bucks for the session so I paid 41 and told him to get the rest from the other guy.
That's really clever lmao
My brother has made several personalities for himself, each with different names and accents so he can have different people to talk to when alone...
I feel like one extra personality is already too many...
when I feel stressed or depressed I look in the mirror and I imagine I'm talking to another version of myself. it's like my clone shows up and starts helping me pull it together...
Simultaneous separate lives that none of the other families know about.
That is my nightmare. I’d be faking my death to the bottom 3 for sure
So you'd "only" have 2 seperate lives huh?
Having 5 seperate ones is your nightmare specifically
Yes, 5 would be just too many to juggle
And planning your wedding to each of them on the same day.
Do you have any idea how expensive it is to rent a shapeshifting tuxedo?
If you can change form, why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?
I AM A MAN WHO OWNS FIIIIIVE OVENS
***The man formerly known as, "The man who owns five ovens."***
I know of a guy with five ovens.
I knew a man with 5 penises.
His condoms fit like a glove.
He's coming. He's coming. He's coming. He's coming.
6'20" fucking killin for fun
10 stories tall made of radiation!
This is the second time someone has out of the blue mentioned Brad Neely today and I’m not mad about it.
I heard that goddamned mfer had like 30 goddamned dicks
I heard he once held an opponent's wife's hand... in a jar of acid... at a party.
If you took off his boots, you'd see the dicks growing off his feet
Made love like an eagle falling out of the sky, killed his sensei in a duel and he never said why
He’ll save the children, but not the British children.
Let me lay it on the line, he had 2 on the vine.
Two sets of testicles, so divine.
That video is the exemplary moment when the internet peaked.
I mean it's not like you can get just one, they're social creatures you gotta give em companions, and if you're already getting 2 you might as well get 3 **more** in case the first 2 have a falling out over whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie
*edit to emphasize that I said 3 more, not 3 total
If you have 3 you might as well have 5.
If you have 2 females and 1 male you'll eventually end up with 5 anyway.
A guy in my town has two. He recently got the second. He used to pasture it by the road and people would pull up and hang out with it. Then someone fed it a gummy worm and now the owner keeps them in the other field because people suck.
I have a small ranch in hills. My horse love to get out of fence and wander around. I cant let him anymore because of stupid tourists. Once I saw them offering him some left over pizza. Same with my goats.
Why are people so stupid?? My neighbor has two donkeys and a goat and you better bet I give them treats, but it's just vegetable scraps and stuff and if I'm not positive it's safe, I look it up. It's not hard.
I has it
Dead or or alive?
Dead of course. What kind of weirdo hides live bodies
Well hiding live bodies is more terrifying. But I guess that could be like smuggling and 5 isn’t that much….😂
So you just wait long enough and it becomes...less terrifying?
*looking at you, Nick Cannon*
I know someone with EIGHT.
I remember watching one of those "court camera" day time reality TV shows and a dude came on with 31 kids across a dozen+ women. Ironically he was there for not paying child support
I happen to find myself in a situation like that. Had a baby with a dude who now has 6 or 7 baby mommas. But we're all the crazy ones
That depends, are you baby mama no. 1 or no. 7? Because if you are the latter you must be crazy to think he’s ‘not that man anymore’
Eh, you lose some you lose some
It's all gravy tho, I got an amazing daughter out of it
Apparently it’s all gravy of the baby variety
Ay! You win some
Maybe numbers one and two have some defense against crazy, but three through six or seven share some culpability, lmao.
He also pretends he doesn't have that many kids when he's manipulating a new girl
I would make a group chat with everyone else and crash his dates with all the kids. Happen to be having dinner at the same place and when the first kid exclaims “Daddy!!!” Letting them go say hi and telling him all the kids want to say hello. When she says “what kids” explain y’all have a monthly meet up so the kids can grown up with their siblings and you got the idea from a fertility clinic since all he wants to be is a sperm donor.
I should write for lifetime.
PS, don’t do this, really, I’m sure it ends poorly with no one clapping.
In order to do this, I'd have to find him. And honestly, he's not worth the time of day lol
How in the world does he afford child support for all those kids? And then have the energy at the end of the day to talk to *more* women?
Like, is 7 not enough my guy, come on now. At least get a vasectomy
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 what child support? Seriously tho, he owes me (just me, I don't know about the others) about $15,000 in back child support. I told him I'd drop that if he'd sign his rights over. He hasn't seen her since she was a year old. She's 12 now. He's a narcissistic AH that thinks he can get away with whatever. We're about to file contempt of court which will land him with a felony charge.
Best of luck to you, ma'am!
Happened to a good friend of mine she was #5 I think. He only talked about #1 and hid the rest. It was insane.
Yup. That's what he does. Except he hides the older ones and only claims to have the youngest
I was number 2 so I'm safe albeit a bit naive at the time. I was 19
I was once having a conversation with a coworker about celebrities who knock people up a lot
Her: What's the name of the one guy? You know, the one who won't stop.
Me: Nick Cannon?
Her: Yeah, him.
And Elon Musk
Could say the same for baby daddies too
Dude, the parliamentary speaker in my country (Slovakia) has 10. I am not kidding.
Seconds to live
That's plenty of time t
>That's plenty of time t
Going out with a clean APM of 300 - respect
My math puts it at 276 APM, what math did you use?
I counted the Shift key-presses required for capital t and apostrophe on a US keyboard. Yes I know I'm a terrible nerd
Your math is truly greater than mine.
*In Time* movie was basically that for JT the whole time
I liked that movie more than I thought I would. The whole wrist transfer thing was interesting, and the people begging for time. Surprisingly thought-provoking universe.
Never thought I'd cry so much about the death of someone I wasn't remotely invested in. But then (spoilers) bus (spoilers) running (spoilers) omg.
They give out felonies by the dozen nowadays. The hard part is staying alive long enough to be charged.
I learned this past Christmas that “5 golden rings” actually refers to 5 of a certain type of bird: ring-necked pheasants. So the first 7 out of 12 days of Christmas, the author’s true love gave them birds. So many birds.
They stack and its like 364 total gifts when Christmas finally comes the person just wants a bird poop shovel
The 13th Day of Christmas had better be a 13-acre farm with a nice big house and farm to house all the milking maids and leaping lords and the huge number of birds you now own. And I hope those piping pipers and drumming drummers have some animal husbandry skills.
I learned that this Christmas as well. I also learned that all those birds are actually for eating, not storing in a nice menagerie, which made me very sad.
The real gift is the pear orchard.
Cellphones. 2 is already sketchy.
I mean, I have a work one and a home one. Don't think I'm alone on that front. But 5 would definitely raise some red flags though.
Nope, same boat. Company issued phone for work purposes and personal phone.
I've heard of people getting clearance to use their personal phone to access work resources and I nope away from that. The two phones do not mix.
I donate one kidney, I’m a hero.
I donate five kidneys, and I’m sentenced to maximum security federal prison for life, for multiple accounts of manslaughter (mostly vehicular).
Edit: holy moly my first ever post to blow up! Thank you! Edit 2: Wowzers!
Scream it at the top of your lungs why don't you
Thermo nuclear warheads rapidly approaching your location
Sets of teeth.
Or just teeth, for that matter
Not for a cat.
But 5 is still weird for a cat, Google says they usually have 6 or 8
EDIT: very interesting answers!
But what I meant was "5 biological mothers"
James Holden does seem to resent his youth
People of expansive culture here
Captain James Holden has entered the chat...
One hell of a polycule
Yeah, that would be ridiculous. Nobody needs more than three.
Went there once and was unpleasantly surprised to see *seven* guys working there. I was scammed, two more than advertised.
Hey I like 5 Guys. Got some pretty good burgers there.
Naan bread. 4 is insane, but 5?!
5 is better than naan…
Instantly what sprung to mind. "Jeremy thats insane"
Was looking for this
Oof. If I’m not mistaken, in some states, after the third one you go to prison right? Wtf are they going to do to you after five?!
Lock you in a dark room with The Emoji Movie playing on repeat 24/7
My good sir, the constitution protects you from cruel and unusual punishment
Please Be merciful and offer the death penalty
Laughs in Henry VIII
Kody Brown would be jealous for sure!
A few centuries back it was even worse. The five-day, 40 hour work week was almost revolutionary.
minutes in planking position
There is our summer, winter, fall, spring, and wildcard home
Your categories are all messed up- should be city, suburbs, beach, lake, rain forest. Then if you like skiing you either add a sixth or replace your least favorite.
Who's your homes guy? You need a new homes guy.
Whoever has 5 nukes is INSANE.
Just keep 4 like the rest of us NORMAL people. smh
To be fair 👆how much popcorn do you have to make?
Baseball, football, bowling ball, basketball, tennis ball, I think I have all of these. It is a bit absurd though.
Yeah, it gets tough to play with all of them sometimes.
Gallons of milk
Twin 1 year olds.
Nope, that's just good planning so I only have to go shopping once a week.
friends after 30
Guess I'm absurd with my 9 good friends and 8 casual friends at 38. And to top it all off, I'm an introvert.
Bingo cards at one time. How can you keep track of all those numbers at once?
Old people have a gift for this, I once saw woman with 8 bingo cards in front of her.
The number of the counting after pulling the Holy Pin from the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
Like.... For lunch?
Sometimes, but they don't eat much
5 left earbuds
... Of eyelashes
Types of Cancer