T O P

Why can’t straight guys be just friends with girls?

Why can’t straight guys be just friends with girls?

GarrKelvinSama

This is the sad reality, the world is run by sex and money. My female friends did the same thing to me when i was about your age. Except that i've always been physically fit. It has gotten worse when i got more muscle though, they don't wanna be friend anymore if i'm not sexually attracted to them. In other words: deal with it. The more attractive you are the harder it will be.


stapleduck112

Came here to say this.


iamthemadking

Naw, that’s bullshit. I have been fortunate enough to live in some other countries and this male female friendship junk is culturally American. These hang ups don’t exist in other countries mostly because our common founders were puritans. It still prevails amongst American culture across ethnicities. Take 30min and actually look it up. Also, OP, there is a possibility your friend has had a crush on you for 18 years, and because your only just now gaining self awareness based on your looks, that your only just now knowing and understanding the signals they could have always been sending. Same goes for those male friends. It’s hard to near impossible to approach women and for someone in your case it’s a real possibility you didn’t get those social cues or were oblivious to them before and are learning them now, and viewed through the lens of age, it shocking to you.


GarrKelvinSama

I am not american.


Professional-Run-471

I agree with you. I'm also not american


foeastg

\+1 not American


iamthemadking

There are many that aren’t. So I guess I should say western culture, same same. Shared origins.


iamthemadking

Also, sex is usually only an obsession for people who aren’t having a lot of it. I’ve never met a guy or girl obsessed with sex who was getting some in a regular basis. It’s usually dudes and chicks that are especially hard up for some booty, for whatever reason, that tend to take serious stances on an aspect of human relationships that while important, doesn’t actually constitute a ton of time.


CSQUITO

Not american, same in UK and France


nkhlxd

this is a sensitive topic. I can tell you another reason why it is difficult to keep this friendship. Your male friend or bestfriend, definitely has another male friends. And someone will always influence him, if they talk about how attractive you are in front of him(as they already know that you two are friends and hangout with each other), he will get influenced by that, knowingly or unknowingly. I'm telling you this because I and my friends did get some people in our group to get like that, and I'll always be sorry for that. If this is understandable to you, I hope you can talk it out, straightforward. Good wishes!!


Charming-Pop-1136

Thank you, so what your saying is the fact that others see me a desirable and speak about it, he has consciously or unconsciously also started to feel that


Shadowdragon409

This phenomena actually has a name, "The Wedding Ring effect". People find an individual more attractive when other people find that individual attractive.


nkhlxd

Yes, you get the gist of it.


MelodicSatisfaction9

My 2 closest friends are women I honestly just don't see them as anything but friends


coletrain644

Same here. I can say with truth that they are attractive but I'm not attracted to them.


angiestefanie

You’re the exception to the rule. I would love to have some male friends around me, but they always end up seeing me as a potential girlfriend.


MelodicSatisfaction9

You'd be surprised how many men are ok with just being friends Your experience is the opposite, and I'm sorry about that


kwagenknight

Yeah I agree and it comes down to the guys emotional maturity IMO. The more emotionally mature the guy is the more fine they are with drawing boundaries and being able to strictly be friends. The immature ones usually end up like r/NiceGuys like that one of OP's friends who called her ugly when he got rejected.


Justmyoponionman

Or maybe you either assume too much or meet the wrong type of guy.


Moejason

Same here. I think crushes are normal from time to time too, but when you’re close friends with someone, crushes aren’t that deep anyway and it’s pretty straightforward to get over.


furixx

As someone 20 years older than you, I can tell you it is definitely possible (my best friend is a straight male), but I think less likely at your age. As you get older it is perhaps easier to separate sex and love.


Rad619619

Only way to have non-sexual friendships with the gender you're attracted to is if both parties aren't interested in each other sexually. This can happen one of two ways: 1. Both friends are attractive and have fulfilling sex lives. 2. Both friends do not find each other attractive. If one of you is ugly and the other is attractive, chances are the ugly one has an unfulfilling sex life and has a crush on the attractive one.


Shadowdragon409

I honestly haven't thought too much about it myself, but this is probably the best conclusion anyone could come to.


Justmyoponionman

Not actually true. It just requires one of the two to respect the boundaries and nothing happens. I'm good friends with a woman who I find attractive, she clearly finds me attractive but there's never going to ba anything between us. Because I'm a grown-ass man and can actually control myself. She was in a sex-starved relationship and so was I. Still nothing happened because that would majorly F things up. It doesn't man there's no attraction there, it's just that some ideas are clearly bad, yeah?


SkiesOfJuly

Yeah, but still it's not a pure "platonic" friendship. Attraction can always arise when one or both of the two are attractive. At this point, an voluntary and conscious decision not to act on this attraction is needed to protect and keep the friendship. As you said, there needs to be the ability to set and respect boundaries. But this is something that in male-male friendship doesn't happen (both heterosexual - just considering this case because it's the one that I can personally describe, being cis-male hetero, but of course can be applied to other combinations). In these friendships, there's no need for the emotional maturity to handle possible attraction, because attraction will never be a part of the picture. I think it's an important aspect to consider, because most of the times, when people look for friendships, they usually also look for that simplicity that defines traditional male-male (hetero) friendships (and I suppose also traditional female-female (hetero)), simplicity that comes from the absence of the attraction element. People look for that simplicity because they seek in friendships a comfortable place where you can handle yourself even if you don't have such a level of emotional maturity. I'm not saying friendships don't require emotional maturity, I'm just saying that "traditional" friendships don't require a specific type of emotional maturity, the one needed to handle possible attraction in a friendship. Different kinds of emotional maturity are already required for a lot of stuff (romantic relationships, family members, friends...well, any kind of human relation actually), and "traditional" friendships is kind of a safe place where you can relax without needing THAT specific kind of emotional maturity. So, the answer could be "yes, male-female friendship is possible as long as you have the emotional maturity to handle possible attraction". But let's be honest, most of the people asking the question, they're looking for that simplicity of "traditional" friendship, so what they mean is a female-male friendship where attraction never arises and it's not an element that ever needs an ability to handle it. And on a final note, I would also like to argue against the notion that this emotional maturity should be a given if you are a "grown man". Well, of course ideally it should be like that and we have to aim for a world that goes in that direction. But emotional maturity it's not something you automatically develop just because you get old. It requires work, and it's something to achieve. And if your social context doesn't promote a certain type of emotional maturity, it's unlikely that you will reach it. Of course some people manage to do it on their own, but not everyone has the same predisposition to emotional intelligence, and if not presented with a context that foster emotional growth, will struggle to reach the same emotional maturity. We are all different. I wanna stress once again that I'm just talking about this specific kind of emotional maturity required to handle possible attraction in a male-female friendship. I'm not making excuses for not having other types of emotional maturity required in other aspects of our lives, which instead we have plenty of elements to help us develop, and if we don't, then it's our own fault. But yeah, talking about this very specific kind of emotional maturity, I think society really doesn't help people develop it. First of all, because the comfort of "traditional" male-male/female-female friendships, makes them the one everyone sticks with the most, so there's really a lack of opportunity for us to reflect upon the emotional maturity required for male-female relationships. And secondly, when the topic is discussed, the possibility of attraction is considered as an element that invalidates the possibility of having a friendship, instead of being considered as an element that can be handled developing said emotional maturity, with a will to set and respect boundaries. So instead of fostering a tendency to develop this kind of emotional maturity, we just dismiss the problem. I hope this makes sense, unfortunately I don't have the time to read again before posting, so I'll just hope my reasoning it's clear enough as I wrote it :)


Justmyoponionman

Well I find it hard to form friendships with ANYONE, male, female or othetwise who doesnt't have a certain level of maturity. As such, I dont make many friends, but it is what it is. So a lot of your text sounds quite strange to me.


Rad619619

That sounds more like trying to ignore sexual tension than having a friendship devoid of it.


Justmyoponionman

The presence of attraction is not the same as sexual tension. Tension is created by a desire to act. You're missing the point. There can be attraction (admission that someone is sexually attractive) without actually wanting to sleep with them. I have no idea how prevalent it is, I can only really speak for myself.


Justmyoponionman

But even if it WAS "ignoring" sexual tension? What's wrong with that?


Rad619619

In that case you're literally just describing scenario #1. Why the disagreement lol


Justmyoponionman

What?


auto-xkcd37

> grown ass-man *** ^(Bleep-bloop, I'm a bot. This comment was inspired by )^[xkcd#37](https://xkcd.com/37)


Justmyoponionman

Fuck it. Updooted for anything xkcd related.


KiraLonely

Um... I do have to ask, what do you think bi people do when trying to have friendships? Like, as a pansexual guy, leaning gay, like, I've had about equal friends of both sexes since as far back as I can remember, and yes, into my teenage and pubescent years. Like the other person said, people can find someone attractive without there being sexual attraction. It's a sort of aesthetic attraction, it's finding them to be someone who has beauty, but not in the same sense as you wanting to get with someone who has beauty. It's almost like recognizing someone as a work of art, as having that sort of beauty, but not wanting to bang them. Like, I think my cat is absolutely gorgeous, but I don't want to bang her, I just find the curves of her face aesthetically pleasing and enjoy studying the flecks of pigment in her irises from an aesthetic and artistic perspective. It's the same appreciation of beauty with any female or male friend that I don't crush on. And I'll add, my sex life is far from fulfilling, so I'm immediately disqualified from situation 1. I'm literally a virgin so like, dunno 'bout that. Hell, I have exes I stay friends with and stay platonically content with, in very open and comfortable ways. I find them attractive still. I don't want to bang them, because I'm not sexually interested in them anymore, and the idea feels weird to even consider. I'm not trying to be confrontational, but the idea that there has to be rules to relationships based on sexuality and attractiveness seems kind of illogical, particularly as many of my past and present close friends would be disrupted by your logic.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Charming-Pop-1136

Thank you I spent quite a while reading that thread; I guess the male mentality is just to sexually charged


Justmyoponionman

There's no such thing as "the male mentality". There's several billion of us.


twinkiesnketchup

This is excellent advice. Friendszone with men are different than with women. We women can be attracted to a man who isn’t physically attractive far more easily than the other way around. If a woman isn’t attractive to a guy then they can be friends because it removes their natural desire to go forth and multiply. If that attraction changes the friendship changes because you become not only someone physically attractive but also someone who is valued beyond physical attraction. As a young adult I was accused by multiple sources of being a prick tease. I was appalled by this acquisition because all I ever was was just my bubbly innocent self. It always took me by surprise when guys would approach me for anything other than homework help and basketball (basically as a young adult that was my world). I thought it was mean to give the cold shoulder but I learned (the hard way) that it was easier to give the cold shoulder then to unknowingly string a guy along with vague inaction on my part. Guys don’t get hints. At least none that I have met. It’s much more compassionate to be frank and honest then to be misleading. The last thing to remember is don’t be offended by any guy finding you attractive. Take it as a compliment because it is. While your motives maybe different and it might seem out of the blue to you but just appreciate it, be direct and be honest about what you want and need.


TheDailyDarkness

You have the solution in your question. Talk to this “like a brother” about this problem with (young) men you’ve been having. You can get real advice from someone who really knows you and use the conversation to tell him what place he has in your life. Also- you are talking about young men, who generally have a much harder time having “just friends” who are attractive. Also- however you did address your health... that most certainly would have changed not only how you look but also your self respect, confidence, etc. You are probably more attractive than just physically - and guys may be picking up on that.


Charming-Pop-1136

Thank you this was super helpful! And I guess you’re right I’m more confident as of late so maybe I give a slightly different energy


_lemazaki

Some guys can... I just have 1 girlfriend (that is truly a friend) But, "most" friendships between man / women there is a sexual tension or some kind of love involved. Plus that, "friends" fuck nowadays and maybe your friends are looking at you that way now but still want to be friends. If you don´t like this, you have to deal with it. They will keep coming.


mouse361

When I was young, especially when I was in the military, I had to make it very clear to all of my friends that I did not fuck my friends, otherwise I had issues. And even then I lost some friends because some guys didn’t understand how come I could have casual sex but wouldn’t fuck them. They seem to take it very personally, or as a slight, when I just wanted to preserve my friendships.


_lemazaki

I understand. I can not make that mix either... it´s strange for me somehow. I have colleges, people that I don´t really care if we fuck and the "friendship" ends... But my only female real friend, never fucked and never will. lol


reignoferror00

When you're a young sexually and relationship inexperienced shy guy with insecurities of course you'll take it personally. Even the few women friends in your life who supposed like you (enough to be friends at least) want nothing to do with you physically. Not the healthiest mindset but not surprising if your dating/sexual is basically a wasteland; you need some degree of positive outcome before you gain some confidence in that field. Even knowing it would likely have ended in disaster I would have gladly traded away most of my friendships at a young age for a chance with a crush.


Stg_885rk

They can. I have a number of platonic female friends. Some very close. For a lot of straight men this is possible because: A. The men don’t find their female friends attractive B. The men *do* find them attractive, but know nothing will ever happen because 1. the woman is already in a relationship or 2. they know that she does not find *him* attractive, so they just accept it. Now, some men *don’t* accept it, and that’s why they will end the friendship. It’s unfortunate, but I would say these men are emotionally immature. There are plenty of mature men who have platonic relationships with women. There can be other factors but these are the most common scenarios. I would be honest with your friend and let him know that you only see him as just that. You have to be direct with men because we don’t always pick up on hints.


Charming-Pop-1136

I understand the difficulties of gaining a new platonic relationship and I understand that sometimes it’s best to try so that you know and if you can’t get what you want sometimes it’s better for themselves to end the friendship I just don’t get why if it was platonic and now there is some attraction they feel like they should try for it rather than finding any of the billions of females they don’t have a friendship with to have romance with


Moejason

It’s because they know you better on a more personal level. Attraction is not just about looks, although it’s definitely a big part of it for many. But the main reason why the shift may have happened toward you and not someone else is because they know and trust you.


Rock_Granite

>Now, some men don’t accept it, and that’s why they will end the friendship. It’s unfortunate, but I would say these men are emotionally immature. I disagree completely. it is the epitome of emotional maturity to recognize early when a relationship is not giving you what you need and to leave it. There is no special nobility in preferring opposite sex friendships. Some people like them and some don't. Nobody is more "evolved" or "mature" than the other.


Stg_885rk

I appreciate your perspective. I admit I could be wrong on that part. Everyone is different and you’re right, some people would just rather not have platonic relationships with the opposite sex.


Orchidbleu

Same. I found out the hard way my husband can’t have female friends. And men I expected to be respectful wanted sex. I wasn’t interested in that.


AnthemOfLife

It's correlated to life stages more than “guys”. In an age group where the primary objective is to build a family, obtain successful earning so you can thrive, find a partner, entrench yourself into society and become relevant, it is very normal for every relationship where the woman is single to be validated to that purpose. When all those criteria are satisfied, then the big breath of fresh air can happen and platonic relationships with the opposite sex can begin. Adult development: tasks and contradictions: Eric Erikson and George Valliant


kazuechan

Men become friends with women because they don’t have physical attraction blinding them from friendship. If they do have friends they’re attracted to, more than likely they’re not shooting their shot because the woman is taken or has made it VERY obvious they could never like them. So these men didn’t find you physically attractive because of your weight. That was the only thing blocking them from pursuing anything with you, the platonic aspect was fulfilled. Now that you’re more attractive to them now; they would risk having a relationship with you. “If we get along together and she’s hot, why not try dating?” is their mindset. In their eyes, you guys could potentially be together forever and have a fun time. They don’t think about you guys possibly falling out and losing the friendship.


Charming-Pop-1136

But what I don’t get is why if we had the platonic relationship when I wasn’t attractive to them they feel like they should pursue it even if I didn’t change how I interacted with them


Justmyoponionman

That's just not true though. There CAN be physical attraction on both sides yet nothing physical ever happens. It's called being an adult and knowing what you do has consequences. IS it common? No, I don't think so, but it does happen.


redoctoberz

All of my best friends are female. They're the ones I trust the most and are the most reliable. They're also good people. If I had a recommendation for you I'd say you need to tell these folks exactly what you feel and exactly how they exist in your life, guys need directness with this sort of thing, so they know those feelings aren't possible. Once they know for sure they'll redirect those feelings elsewhere, but keeping the "door open" for the possibility in their mind will just make them crave it more. Guys may think in their own minds "Yeah! She's super amazing.. but what if........" and that has to be stopped in its tracks that it isn't an option.


KoriGlazialis

So speaking from experience. I am the guy who developed a crush on my best friend in this one. So what happened: I have an anxiety disorder, left school, was living alone, wasn able to talk to my parents (Literally mute in their surroundings) which also made lots of other family interactions awkward. Not many friends to interact with and she just seemed to be the only one caring about me. So at some point there was suddenly this crush feeling in me. I told her about it and she had to shoot me down on multiple occasions and as i noticed that i am slowly turning into a nice guy i got the turn around again and with that lost the romantic interest in her too. I dunno if it helps, but we are still best friends. So i think people can understand it. Don't lose hope and communicate how you feel to them if it does ever come up. Feeling awkward and uncomf is probably natural in that scenario. But those feelings can be overcome too. In the end communication is key.


Charming-Pop-1136

Is there anything she could’ve said that would’ve made it clear before hand without it being obvious she was aware? Also when you finally said how you felt is there anything she could’ve said that would’ve made it an easier let down for you? And sorry last question do you feel that friendship was permanently altered or were you able to get back or close to your old normal?


KoriGlazialis

I can't say what would've made things different. I was in an almost depressionlike state in that time and my memory of everything is super hazy. So now thinking of would've been, could've been is just not possible for me. For the second question, imo it shouldn't be an easy let down. The other person just has to understand that a no way means a no way and that's it. It prolly wasn't the same for a while, but it just overtime realigned to be what it basically was before. If we see each other we hug a lot and if we watch stuff together while right next to each other we also cuddle, but in a platonic way and both know it and so don't even think about it. We trust each other with whatever romantic feeling develops or concerns the other (For clarification, romantic feeling for someone else) and even any other topic that we would normally talk about is on the table to still talk about. Hope these help?


Charming-Pop-1136

It did thank you


JimboNumberz

It is possible It is just not very likely, especially when younger and not committed Tbh it’s a good thing that young men want to be with a woman they like as a person and to whom they are also sexually attracted But it’s not good to torch your friendships because you are horny or desperate or lonely Friendships have to be made with solid boundaries and kept platonic for several years. It helps to share interests and points of view


wellz-or-hellz

Soooo this is a complicated topic because for me(22M) a huge part of attraction is personality. Looks too, personality is more important to me. I don’t just mean like “oh I want a girl who’s pretty and also kind.” Like I’m attracted to women I feel like I have lots in common with more than women who is objectively physically attractive. I can find a girl physically attractive but if I see that I don’t vibe with her personality than I’m not attracted to her. I’ve also had cases where the physical attraction wasn’t very strong at first but I got to know them better and became more attracted to them. So like can I as a straight man be friends with women, yeah I have lots of female friends, some that are physically attractive. It’s just I don’t feel like our personalities vibe in a sexual way, just a platonic way.


b0xcard

Straight men and women can totally be friends. Unfortunately, many guys feel the need to do their "due diligence" to make sure that sex isn't on the table. It also helps if the men who want to be friends with you are already in relationships. Sometimes, you'll run into guys who get the deal right away, or just aren't interested for whatever reason, but that can be hard to find.


a_super_suck

I can relate :/ I lost a guy friend of 14 years. Why? Because after I lost 35 pounds he asked me on a date and when I said no, he went on a texting rampage about how I “deceived him” and lied to him. This man knew my life, knew my boyfriends, knew my problems, I even introduced him to the woman he had a child with(they broke up after being together for years but are both still close). I saw a Steve Harvey clip the other day where he talked about straight male and straight female friendships do not exist because at some point in time there will be a crack in the friendship and the man will use that crack to try and get sex from the woman. I’ve got one male friend left and I’m praying I don’t lose him this way either :/


Charming-Pop-1136

Wow I’m sorry to hear that; I hope your friendship and mine last and stay as they are


a_super_suck

Thank you, this is one of the final few friends I have and it makes me upset to think it might happen


IlikeFOODmeLikeFOOD

I honestly have no idea. I'm a straight guy, and I have plenty of girls who are platonic friends. Idk what the issue is


D0wnVoteMe_PLZ

I'm a straight guy and that's not true. I had female friends in the past where we were just friends. I had 2 great (female) friends in my college. One of them is married now and I went to her wedding. I had female friends before college too and after college. But that was the main time I had most friends. In summary, guys and girls can be friends and I can tell by my personal experience.


moonsquid-25

I just had this exact same discussion with my GF. She's somewhat came to terms with knowing that her male friends had ulterior motives throughout her adult life and it's made her bummed out. I'm of the belief that it's extraordinarily difficult for men and women to be strictly platonic, but especially so for men. Men and women are different, plain and simple. It's not a bad thing, not a good thing, just is. In fact I had just read a published study in Psychology Today about the differences men feel regarding their female "friends" and it unequivocally backs up what I've said. Men almost unanimously harbor romantic interests in their female friends and over estimated the romantic interests that their female friends felt towards them. Women on the other hand were VERY niave to the male friends feelings and grossly underestimated the attraction between the two, usually having zero attraction to the male and assuming the same in return. It shows that women are much, much more capable than men in having purely platonic opposite sex friends. For men, the drive for sex and relationships is more often than not too powerful.


kwagenknight

>study in Psychology Today about the differences men feel regarding their female "friends" Can I get a source to this please?


moonsquid-25

Sho nuff, here ya go. It was scientific American btw. I did read another article about it from Psychology today once and it echoed the same thing as this article however and I probably got the 2 confused. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/


kwagenknight

nice, thanks! ETA: After reading the study and the source I think this once again proves that emotional maturity is the key to men being friends with women successfully. This study was done with college students which to me makes it a little skewed and not really as accurate as it would be if they were a decade older. Hopefully they do more studies as Im amazed at the guys who cant be friends with women and who cant read the situations correctly so it would be interesting if they could predict certain personality traits that pointed to being one of the other. I also thought this was interesting: >Both men and women were equally attracted to romantically involved opposite-sex friends and those who were single; “hot” friends were hot and “not” friends were not, regardless of their relationship status. Id like to see more data points on everyone as well like the more successful people at dating as between a few male friends I could tell which ones would have problems having friends that were girls and those that were truly just friends. Most of the time the guys with options and who were a bit more outgoing were fine when the more desparate friends would go for anything, including their friends GF's continually.


Charming-Pop-1136

Very interesting thanks for the reply


throwaway33333333303

> can guys really not be just friends with girls? It's possible and it happens but how common it is (especially in your age range) is another thing entirely. > Is there always and underlying attraction or feeling like female friends will always be an option? No. Not sure what you can do about these situations though, except to find new male friends who are mature and/or securely attached/committed to existing partners.


-WolfieMcq

Men won’t have female friends. It’s a matter of time but they’ll try for sex ASAP. Complain to him about the others who have hit on you and tell him you’re glad he hasn’t cause he knows you’re not interested.


NoradIV

I don't know what to say. I do have female friends, but not that many. Given the chance, would I sleep with them? Maybe, but I am not actively going for it. I'd say it's likely easier with someone that isn't single. It's also much easier when you are older.


GERDY31290

Devil's advocate/inverse question: ​ Why do straight women call someone their best friend if this is actually not the case and why cant they a good amount of the time allow that strong bond of friendship evolve into something more? ​ It can be said that for people whose goal is to end up in a long term monogamous relationship, that naturally that person should be above all your best friend, this is especially true for guys. If this guy who has been your best friend for years is not someone that you want to be in a romantic relationship, possibly spend the rest of your life with, then I would argue he is not your best friend just your oldest friend or even just a friend. At the very least your not his best friend (whether he knows it or not yet), because you are actively searching for someone else to fill that role of being your best friend. I think that along with the question you asking in the OP you should be asking yourself why you, and many other girls, for that matter cant allow a friendship as strong as the one you seem to have with him to evolve into something more? asking yourself this might clarify things for you. (I'm not implying there's is something wrong with it) Most guys can be just friends if just friends is what we're talking about. >my best friend of 18 years seems like he may be developing a crush for me This however is different, and if he see you the same way, as he gets older most likely his priority is shifting after he got betrayed and matures and he doesn't just want someone whos going to move on from him so casually. Hes probably finds genuine friendship far more attractive at this point. ​ In the end most people , and especially most guys want to end up with who they think will be their best friend in life. So friendship is naturally an attractive quality, and when your at a point in life where you looking for a partner and not just fucking around, the people your most attracted to are the ones you connect with on that level. ​ personally I feel like its less male or female thing. its a where are you at in life and what are you actually looking for, because when your actually at a point where you want to settle down want to be with just one person, your best friend (your actual best friend) of the sex your attracted to is who your gonna look to first.


Charming-Pop-1136

I really appreciate your view point and I see what you’re saying; but do you find an attraction to your guy best friend, does that bond develop further just cause you’re so close and comfortable, I get the difference when it’s the opposite sex but we’re not so primal that we can’t control our impulses.I do want to ask also tho if it is about building a true relationship, I feel that our age is so young that if the thought process is that because we’re such great friends that it would be a strong and lasting relationship why would we start so young when our age group is so impulsive and emotionally immature why wouldn’t you see the value in trying it with literally any other girl then your most developed friendship


GERDY31290

>but do you find an attraction to your guy best friend, Sexual orientation is what is. Its just a gate and if only one gate is open for me and my guy best friend isn't on the other side of it then no attraction will ever happen or relationship beyond just certain amount of friendship will ever occur. Its not about controlling impulses. Its about vulnerability and intimacy. Crucial aspects to a deeper relationship that most people are really only comfortable growing with someone of their matching sexual orientation. There's a level of intimacy and vulnerability reserved specifically for my fiancé, and I would never be comfortable sharing with a guy friend, and yes sex is apart of that but not the only part. >I do want to ask also tho if it is about building a true relationship, I feel that our age is so young that if the thought process is that because we’re such great friends that it would be a strong and lasting relationship why would we start so young when our age group is so impulsive and emotionally immature why wouldn’t you see the value in trying it with literally any other girl then your most developed friendship Your thought process absolutely applies but only in a general sense. people emotional mature at different times which is what i meant by " its a where are you at in life and what are you actually looking for". i would also venture to guess that most the time this kind of thing isn't well reasoned out and consciously decided. Its a feeling or instinct. I stand by the fact that its "less male or female thing. its a where are you at in life and what are you actually looking for, because when your actually at a point where you want to settle down want to be with just one person, your best friend (your actual best friend) of the sex your attracted to is who your gonna look to first." ​ Its all timing and where you are at in life and where he is at, and what your looking for and what hes looking for. Its not that guys ant be friends with the sex they are attracted too.


jpt773

Simple. You are attractive to them now. Men are biologically driven to mate. Like it or not, he may struggle to control his feelings and desires for you now that you are more attractive. Yes, I know this is not a popular thing to say, but it’s true. Serious question though. What about him makes you not interested in a romantic relationship. Is he not attractive to you? Are you worried about loosing a friend if you get romantic with him? If the former, let him know that and no hard feelings. If the latter considered this. Who better to make a life with than someone you are already best friends with. Most couples get together because of physical attraction and then have to figure out how to be friends. Most never get there. In your case, if you find him attractive, all you have to do is build romance and that’s definitely the easier emotion to build.


Charming-Pop-1136

That’s a great question! I think he’s a handsome young man, but he genuinely feels like a brother, like we bathed together as children, I really don’t find an attraction to him, I have no desire to see him naked at all. And I’m terrified of losing him as a friend and one of the things I appreciate the most about our friendship is the lack of tension or attraction, I felt like no longer what I wore or if I passed out in front of him I would be safe and I had no worries at all. I still feel safe and that he would never do anything but I now actively try to dress bummish now because now I feel he may look at my differently


jpt773

Are you nervous to talk to him about this subject? Do you think he will react badly? Either May happen but the conversation will be had one way or another. You may want to consider getting out in front of this.


M_Aurora

Yeah they CANNOT. I have lost all of my male friends over the time bcs of this (25F) but still I have been naive bcs a guy wanted to hangout and I thought of was for friendship as we never ever had any suggestive conversation. Long story short I have a boyfriend so I kinda hesitated and told my bf who told me it's totally up to me but he knows what is this guy intention and I was like naaah he is not even interested in me... so I had a gut feeling (helped by my bf hahahah) and cancelled... Last thing I know the guy unfollowed me on Instagram and blocked me on fb... I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT 😅 trust your gut and no guy is gonna talk to you just to have you as a friend ... They already have plenty of them... They want to talk to you bcs they think there is something happening ... 🤦🏻‍♀️


Charming-Pop-1136

I’m sorry to hear you lost those friends and I understand how it’s harder to build a friendship but he and I have been like siblings for 18 years how can that change in less than a year just because I’ve become more attractive, I’ve only ever know us in a friendship way as has he so I don’t get how it can change especially if I don’t change how I interact with him


Alexiiiferguu

Unfortunately this is super relatable. My best friend told all of my friends he loved me and that he was going to make a move. No matter how much they tried to talk him out of it he still tried and at the time I was young and dumb so I thought I could try to make it work because he was my best friend and I loved him too, just not in that way. Well, he kissed me, I did not enjoy it, I told him it wasn’t going to be that way, he stopped talking to me for a couple weeks, and then we became friends again. Well, then after we became friends again he tried to kiss me AGAIN and that time I literally backed up and said no no no no please don’t because I don’t want to ruin our friendship and he never spoke to me again. I had ANOTHER best friend who I swear to god I thought was gay but was apparently bi who made a move on me after like a year of being really close friends. Idk it seems like even if you start with the intention of being friends, it always develops into more on one side and usually not the other which is unfortunate


Spicy_African_Man

It’s not really a guy thing though that is a fairly common denominator in these situations, quite simply you are attractive and that means you’ll attract people, it goes both ways for men and women. Not to sound like one of those “An alpha man likes to hunt” kinda people but it really is just a part of our biology, after all the time you’ve known them there’s no way y’all shouldn’t be able to stay friends if something like this does happen, keep your chin up everything will be fine.


Charming-Pop-1136

You were very reassuring thank you


Wenhuanuoyongzhe91

Sexual tension and jealousy. I don’t want straight female friends whose friendship with me is based on anything else but sharing a friend group because I want to have a family, just as I wouldn’t want other men hanging around my SO, I wouldn’t expect my SO to be okay with other women hanging around me.


tcddhj

Gain some weight and you won't have this problem


-WolfieMcq

Please. “Mate”.? They want to get off. Period. That’s all sex is to guys-getting off and often.


friskycat

As a man, I’m also wondering this as well. There are times when I get close with a woman, she tells me she loves me. When I say no, well then there goes the friendship as we slowly drift away. It sucks. It makes me not want to be friends with anyone.


Charming-Pop-1136

Those women that you didn’t reciprocate the same feelings for, did you not consider them attractive or did you genuinely enjoy a platonic relationship


friskycat

I did consider them attractive but for instance one of them was married and with two kids. Granted she wasn’t happy and I knew that, but when she said she loved me, I was like. Say what? And now we don’t really talk anymore.


friskycat

Another time I was friends with a woman and I found her attractive. I thought about it, but after awhile I realized I just wanted to be friends. Once i told her I only wanted to be friends for like the millionth time, she finally understood. She stopped replying to my texts after that. I kind of got the hint. It sucked. =(


Justmyoponionman

Yes. This isn't a man/woman thing, it's just a person thing. Edit: I've also had women THINK I wanted to sleep with them when I didn't. Like so many women posting here, she seemed to be utterly convinced that ALL men must sleep with any woman they find physically attractive. Not me.


friskycat

Well, I agree not every cis-male befriends women so they can sleep with them, but given the disproportionate instances of men sexually harassing and assaulting women, I don’t blame women for feeling that way. I was afraid my post would be a rally cry for men that want to holler, when it’s simply bullshit exceptionalism. I was simply sharing my frustration and sorrow, that essentially, I’m cut off from the other half of society, and OP I feel that.


Justmyoponionman

Your first sentence agrees and the rest sounds like an excuse for ignoring the reality.


friskycat

I do have platonic female friends, and growing up, my best friends were women. I genuinely enjoy platonic relationships with women, and as I say that, I can’t help feel a little gross. I’m sounding like I’m humble bragging just to get laid. =(. At any rate OP, I hope you do find fulfilling relationships with other men, and if your female friendships are not fully meeting your needs, maybe talk about that with them?


OutlandishnessOwn7

And when we are friends with girl, we are either called Simpson, people always think we are dating, people tell us we should "get with that", even though she's a lesbian with a gf, ik this is oddly specific, sorry. None of this is an excuse to want to be more than friends with ur female friends that obviously only want to be friends, but its annoying as hell, and we deal with it. I'd like to say there are ways to get folk to stop, for both guys and girls getting either of these scenarios, but there sadly isnt.


greifmaker

I have friends I just cuddle with who I’m attracted to who I wouldn’t have sex with for one reason or another. It is definitely possible. I also have friends I have sex with who I don’t form romantic relationships with because Neither of us see it going anywhere or feel that way. If your perception that he is interested in you is bothering you, you should address it from the perspective of how you feel. Edit, if he throws a fit when you’re gently telling him your concerns, then he wasn’t best friend forever material anyway.


JamisonGerry

Same reason why women can’t be friends with men they have romantic feelings for


YeahSorry

We can be. Next question please.


L0st0ne1

Nah, cuz guys wanna fuck every woman in the world. Give any man the option to fuck and he will


Vaipulu88

I went through this as well. Guys are going to fall for you because your “outside” is starting to reflect your “inside”. It can’t be helped and those friendships will eventually become toxic and full of guilt if you don’t let them go. Eventually, you’re going to meet a guy that you have a mutual interest in and he (most likely) won’t appreciate the lingering male friends that you do have. He’ll know what their intentions are and where M/F friendships usually lead. Cut your losses now lol I wish I would have. I was too sweet about those situations. I got a phone call from “Pete’s” family member saying “Pete” was in the ER after trying to kill himself because he saw another male “friend” talking to me outside of my job on the night that he was coming to PROPOSE to me. This is not the only instance one of my male friends wanted to/tried to off themselves because the feeling wasn’t mutual. If the friendship, attraction, and Chemestry is there, feelings are inevitable. Men and women alike can’t help it when it happens. Good luck and don’t be manipulated!


2werd2live2rare2die

I’m just going to say this. This is kind of a dumb question anyone can be friends with anyone else. But for men to let a woman get really close to them and know a lot about them means he is showing how vulnerable he is. He may tell you his fears his dreams and things that he wouldn’t tell a friend. So when we as men expose our vulnerabilities it’s hard for us to not develop feelings of wanting to be more than friends. So you can get upset that he has feelings for you but when you find someone you want to be in a relationship with do you want to be there best friend? This is why we as men are so closed off to women because we expose ourselves and get rejected because we aren’t good enough.


Charming-Pop-1136

It’s not that he’s not good enough; he’s amazing and considerably handsome and really smart, all around a winner; I just feel no attraction, he quite literally feels like a brother to me. And let me ask you this, you say men don’t express vulnerability to each other so why wouldn’t you want to sustain a friendship in which you feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable?


2werd2live2rare2die

Because even though you say it’s not that he isn’t good enough that is what he will think. This is why I said men don’t want to expose ourselves like this. Because there will always be that thought of the next woman we expose ourselves to will reject us because they think we are weak and that is why you won’t like us. It’s just engrained in us and women. Women want the assertive confident alpha male if you will the leader. And exposing ourselves exposes our weaknesses.


Justmyoponionman

This is unfortunately true, despite what any women may consciously think. I've experienced it myself. While I find the whole "Alpha" name nauseous (it's clearly misunderstood from animal studies) there is a grain of truth to it.


Justmyoponionman

We're conditioned to not be vulnerable. It's used against us on so many occasions, even by loved ones. It's still a pressure put on men, there's nearly always pushback. I try to change that with my male friends and the look of relief ont heir faces when I make the first step to open up about problems and they all exhale and can't belive it, only to say "Yeah, me too". It's possible, but someone has to take the initiative.


Adocon244

Guys and girls can absolutely be platonic friends. The issue isn't attraction, but when people put the attraction ahead of the friendship. If you have a friend that suddenly starts treating you like a potential romantic partner but gets mad when you don't return the feelings then they're not your friend. If you're as close with this guy that you call your brother as you think you are then there's no reason you couldn't just talk to him. Tell him about these last two friends and how it's affected you. Tell him that you don't know if you're being paranoid or not but it feels like he's kinda giving off the same vibes. Tell him how much him being in your life means to you and how important he is and that you're just not interested in him romantically. You'll know real quick how he actually feels. Also just a side note, attraction and romantic feelings do fade over time. Especially when there's no hope for the feelings to turn more serious. If anyone asks for some time away from you after you reject their advances don't take it personally and give them the time and space they need. They'll probably eventually come back and your friendship will be stronger for it.


Will_nap_all_day

There is a reason why you don’t see many big groups of men and women together unless they are groups of couples


opinionatedleo

OK ALSO I’m social at parties/when meeting new people and I’ve noticed that men tend to think you’re into them if you have a deep/engaging conversation with them? And they try making moves ? It’s sad cause every single one of my guy friends flirted/hit on me after I got out of a relationship. Some of us just wanna have a friend bro, I’m not tryna cut u off but I might just have to🥲


Moejason

Most of my close friends are girls and this has never been an issue for me. The below may seem like I’m proving the contrary - but I have a lot of good friends and when there are deeper feelings involved it really is the exception. Every now and again I might develop a crush, which IMO is completely normal, whether or not I act on it then depends on how close I am to said friend - although in the past when this has happened it has usually been a mutual feeling, which I think I may have just picked up on and developed a crush based on that. If I’m particularly close to the friend, I make sure to get some distance but crushes are usually brief abreast. In others cases where it’s clear the other isn’t interested, it’s pretty easy to get over it without even bringing it up. I dont quite get the whole unrequited feelings thing - in cases where feelings weren’t shared, a crush really isn’t that deep? After a while you get over it and stay friends. After a few bad relationships too, I’m wary of dating friends as people can be different in relationships to how they are as mates, I prefer what we have than what we ‘could’ have. In your case, I’m sorry you’ve found people treat you differently after losing weight. With your friend, I think it’s worth just having a more direct conversation about it - the whole ‘you’re like a brother to me’ or ‘buddy’ thing is a bit patronising (even if it’s true). Just tell them you feel like people treat you differently now and ask them what they think. Also, if they do anything that makes you uncomfortable, are you able to easily call them out on it? If so, do so. If not, I’d find it difficult to stay friends anyway.


HuckleberryThis2012

It’s not that they CANT, it’s that often times we go into it thinking it will become more and that means you never can be friends. Or we confuse emotional closeness with feelings bc we aren’t used to that sort of thing with women. The ONLY way for a guy to be friends with a girl is to be constantly aware that that is all it will be. Doesn’t mean you having to remind them nonstop, but it does mean they have to accept that and remind themselves so they don’t wake up one day confused about their feelings. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that I’m sure it’s tough, as I would say it is for them who developed feelings for you and probably the feelings were tough bc it was built on an already established connection so it felt stronger than someone they went on one date with. That doesn’t excuse the one guys atrocious behavior, but I’m saying it’s tough all around. All you can do is what real friends do: be honest and don’t beat around the bush. You need to squash that shit ASAP before he gets even more dumb ideas in his head and builds up the fantasy of being with you so much that rejection will feel even worse. You need to sit him down and say “I’m sorry if I’m getting the wrong idea but I feel like you might be interested in me as more than a friend and I don’t want to risk leading you on (not that you are but it’s ok to be say that to soften the blow) and end up hurting you bc you’re a really important friend to me. You’re like family and I value you in my life, and don’t want to lose that, and don’t want to unintentionally hurt you by being vague.” If you say something like that and he flips out I know it will suck, but it means he’s not worthy of being your friend and his type of friendship is of no value. It’s like the person who says they love their SO but cheats or is abusive. You can’t say they don’t fee love when they say they do, but their love is just worthless and not the type anyone needs in their life. If this guys friendship is so shallow that he can’t be your friend unless you’re sleeping with him then as much as it hurts, you need to do what’s best for yourself and send him packing to the other loser who flipped out bc you didn’t like him.


semicouple85

Umm. It’s nature and in everyone’s dna.


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Wolfenjew

I'd call you a piece of shit but pieces of shit can be used for fertilizer.


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Wolfenjew

Look at your own comment history. Then stop being a spiteful asshole.


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Wolfenjew

Yeah no you're a complete dickhead


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Wolfenjew

I truly can't fathom what it's like going through life knowing no one will ever love you


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Wolfenjew

Make sure your hand makeup looks realistic


playerknowmore

It's possible, but is it worth the trouble? Sex is always an obstacle. As soon as you get past that; there's the problems of jealousy in each of your personal relationships. Think about it your guy friend calls you at four in the morning asking you to pick him up because his car broke down; now your boyfriend might say anything, but believe me that friendship will now get the side eye. Guys, and sometimes girls who except these friendships too often waiting for her/him to see them. Watch "When Harry Met Sally" fifteen minutes in Billy Crystal explains the answer to your question perfectly.


Charming-Pop-1136

I’ve seen it; and I understand what he’s saying in the movie it’s the fact that we’ve been friends for our entire life that it’s not like the attraction has always been there so how does this new found attraction supersede all of the friendship we’ve had for nearly 2 decades; how do guys not even consider that it won’t necessarily be reciprocated and also that it’ll alter the friendship no matter what even if it is in the way they wanted


bigpapamn

Sexual attraction and desire triggers adrenaline and dopamine production. It's exciting and literally intoxicating to fantasize about, which encourages taking the chance for sex. A pleasant long-term friendship REINFORCES the fantasy that he can have the best of all worlds. The idea that pursuing the use of your body for pleasure might ruin the other part of your friendship either NEVER OCCURS to him, or the biological imperative suppresses that possibility. The lizard brain wants to f*ck. It doesn't care about what happens after the orgasm and it will push to make that happen. It is uncommon for men to override this drive without significant emotional pressure.


anon_e_mous9669

I mean, straight guys can be just friends with women. . . provided they have zero sexual interest in said woman. That may be because they do not find her attractive, or maybe they've been friends so long she falls into a kind of 'sister zone'. Any other scenario, once sexual attraction rears it's head, the relationship will be forever changed. It may still be possible to remain friends, but there's another element, and things might get complicated.


jayrodhazlyf

Cuz they wana get it In


VitruvianVan

That was too much to read. Yes, straight guys can be friends with girls. Also, I did sleep or fuck around with a lot of my platonic girl friends. So, maybe?


VitruvianVan

That was too much to read. Yes, straight guys can be friends with girls. Also, I did sleep or fuck around with a lot of my platonic girl friends. So, maybe?


VitruvianVan

That was too much to read. Yes, straight guys can be friends with girls. Also, I did sleep with or fuck around with a lot of my platonic girl friends. So, maybe?