Men with a mental health condition, how has your dating, sexual and romantic life been so far?
By - Tiny-Nature8329
I've had 3 3 year long relationships where due to my autism and disabilities I wasn't able to meet the adult requirements of provision. i.e. having my own place. I always worked but the trap of working part time is it's expected you can work full time... this capability never manifested.
It was only until I was 30 did the government relent and give me the money to live without needing to work. Even then most places will not rent to you in the UK.
Autism is hell and here's a few of the problems
* Emotional reciprocation on a spontaneous level is hard ( I like this person I should do something for them!) when your head is full of barely functioning
* Verbal capacity and nuance: being able to lie and sugar coat things when necessary
* Social graces: women do value social status and without that acumen they may simply be embarrassed by you or if you behave but can't exude charisma, be unimpressed
* Breaking from routine: I could get up and do whatever but without the routine I will be in worse condition
* Any negative emotion that could be deemed anger: If you are ever frustrated you have to try to bottle it in, too many women are subject to domestic violence to take that risk that it's harmless despairing. Your feelings will mostly be your own
* Lack of career prospects: It's not vain to have dreamed of more than living off bare minimum if that person has the chance of a future 😅
* Toxic masculinity: It's as much instilled by women as men
* Narcissists will use you: They will see your vulnerability and act like the kids that befriend you to steal your toys
14 year old me used to think "Am I even emotionally adept enough to emotionally satisfy a girlfriend if I did have one?" The answer was no, and he was smart for wanting to wait for robot waifus to be a thing.
I think at 31 I have the emotional countenance to satisfy someone near 20 🤔
Now, think of how even vastly more normal, non autistic disabled men, have never been with anyone and I had 3 chances and royally blew it 😬
Major upvote for such vulnerable honesty, and a big internet hug in solidarity. I’m not trying to be nosy, but have you tried looking for relationships specifically with other Autistic (or possibly an other type of neurodivergent) women? You might find that many of your previous relationship barriers dissolve when interacting with another person “from your own planet.”
*(For those who don’t know, the “from another planet” phrase is a well documented feeling within the Autistic community, particularly prior to diagnosis. However, from a personal perspective, that feeling can persist long after diagnosis too, if not forever. It’s due to the differences in how neurotypical vs. Autistic brains process social and sensory input, and the fact that Autistic people are forced into learning to act like a neurotypical person in order to fit in, which is utterly exhausting to live day after day trying to be something you’re not.)*
Haha, haaaaa. Those were neurodivergent women 😬.
How to put it, that's part of the problem where you're still weighted by the male role and expectation, even if you're disabled yourself it can still be a massive power imbalance of the vulnerabilities and you do still have to be incredibly aware of yourself as a man.
I thought dating neurodivergent people would mean they'd have more insight and empathy but sadly dating another autistic means they have no clue what's going on as well, she was lovely but I couldn't facilitate the relationship while living with my mother ( who I would later find out was hobbling my independence by stealing my money).
I once dated a schizophrenic that was leagues above me in intelligence and didn't want to be held back by my inabilities, and was more often than not embarrassed by me. She was insulted to the nth degree when I joked she was a little autistic and I quote "Don't put me in the same league as you". There was me thinking being the older guy I was meant to be the asshole 🤷♂️. Always joked about asking me to buy her things, which the fear of being used like an autistic child having his toys stolen made scared to be more generous. I guess she was expecting dating someone older for me to be more together and be the provider 😅
Last time I dated was a wonderful person but only spoke about 10 words a day (misogynistic joke about perfect woman) but someone so withdrawn and uncommunicative was hard. This is when I was just about quitting SSRI's and learning emotional countenance and being expressive. Ironically that relationship taught me how it must have felt for the other two people I dated. I respected her boundaries though and never pushed it.
I missed the boat on all the adult hallmarks and sadly until we hit near retirement those things do matter 😕.
Been single since 28 and kind of accepted that even the neurodivergent women have blasted past me in progress. Oops
So, you found women and have something charisma like. You are able to form a bond, a connection. But you just didn't found a woman in the same stage of development as you are. That's hard enough for regular folk, let alone if you develop in a different manner.
I'm a bpd and add woman. I'm 10 years married to a guy who says he loves sticking his dick in crazy. I've had many relationships where that didn't work out, because i wasn't aware of myself yet or the guy couldn't handle my ups and downs. That's ok. We are all muddleing along.
Finding someone is very hard. It's possible, but you have to be open and put in energy and risk being hurt. It's your decision if you want to risk your routine and comfort for it.
But I'm sure that you are compatibel with someone. I just don't know which route you have to endure to meet that someone.
That's also part of the kicker though as your husband described, female mental illness is often mollified as harmless and exciting, or fetishised.... male mental illness not so much (Unless you're a serial killer, Richard Ramirez was a hottie I am told). This means it's vastly easier for women who are ill or disabled to find partners short term and possibly long term, they have to be extremely careful to not end up in a position of abuse and vulnerability though.
Make no mistake, besides the younger schizophrenic I dated who was BPD and narcissistic was the only one who claimed to be beyond me. I probably didn't live up to the idealisation and was perpetually subject to cruelty. I know not all are like that but it was hell: repeated devaluing and discard while I'm just trying to remember if I changed my underwear.
As for the other two they were on my level but I was still expected to facilitate basic provision equal or greater: The weird thing being I was working and in college while they'd never worked ever ( I don't hold it against them just stating the bizarre imbalance).
"Finding someone is very hard. It's possible, but you have to be open and put in energy and risk being hurt. It's your decision if you want to risk your routine and comfort for it."
This I have already done at great length, the sad truth is it's easier to write off low capacity as a slacker with promise in your mid 20's but much older and a certain level of function is kind of required.
I'm trying to be illuminating without being misogynistic: The dating experiences of male and female disabled or mentally ill people are vastly different 😅
At least now at 31 I have the money and emotional countenance to live like an underdeveloped 20 year old, but I'm not sure about coming off like an old perv.
Well but, I'm the provider? My husband got disabeled and cannot work anymore. He takes care of the household and children. With add and bpd I didn't do a really great job at keeping the house clean, but the kids were my focus of energy. He is better at doing both.
I function better at a structured adult environment now. Didn't ten years ago, but I matured.
My point being: having a guy with a routine that takes care of the basic stuff is really attractive for me. I'm good at other stuff. I don't need a provider, I need someone to keep me rooted.
BTW, my job is much crisis management, so ad hoc solution solving. That's something i apparently thrive in. Just learned it this past year or so
I find that's often too rare an occurrence without both partners having already been working, or to near equal level. Was he disabled when you met or became disabled, because there's a difference in having an established bond, and trying to meet someone new as a disabled person.
One is a bit more difficult as it's harder to see promise of improvement in disability, and the other has the built respect and understanding and appreciation 😅
To really grasp my level of lack of capacity: I won't ever be a parent, I can't drive, I'm not going to have a career, even higher education might not be on the cards. So I'm kind of meeting people at 31 with not much to me but A level education and minimum wage work.
The unfortunate truth is many disabled and disadvantaged people are far from thriving and most support is focused on "Are you alive? Good enough", you can ask for help but the grand plan for you is to put you in supported housing until you croak😬 .
Great I just found out I'm Autistic
You’d be surprised. Autism is not at all like most people think, and there’s many many more of us than people think. If you do have autism, let me give you some uplifting news: Today is the first day of the rest of your new life. Learning about your autism, especially if you never knew about it until adulthood, is a tremendous relief. It answers sooooooo many questions. It really is a positive thing, and there’s so much information out there now for autistic people to learn how to get what they want out of life instead of trying to chameleon their way through a neurotypical life. Learning about your autism will allow you to feel a lot less guilt and shame, and will help you focus on and expound upon your strengths. Autistic people have a lot of special gifts to contribute to this world, once we learn to navigate. Safe and pleasant journeys friend!
E: check out the adult autism subs, do not associate with Autism Speaks. They’re a bunch of ableists speaking *for* autistic people, and not promoting or emphasizing actual autistic voices.
E2: I’ve probably said too much already, but if anyone responds with interest in more specific resources, I’ll come back and drop them in another edit.
>and the fact that Autistic people are forced into learning to act like a neurotypical person in order to fit in, which is utterly exhausting to live day after day trying to be
something you’re not.)
I don't mean this to sound rude, but I don't understand how this is not a universal experience and equally true for everyone?
I understand that.
I've got aspergers and adhd, which is on that spectrum, but I know its effects vary in cases of it.
I struggled with picking up on social cues and that is much the same with romantic cues, like flirting. My current girlfriend I only really made a move on because she began to make it near blatantly obvious to me that she liked me. Probably a mix of being incredibly horny over lockdown and being incredibly into me. 🤷♂️
But before that, it was often hindsight which told me a girl was interested in me, whether that was them spending tonnes of time with me when they could of been with someone else, whether they were incredibly giggly or when they messaged me.
I just didn't really catch their drift until I was older. Partly why I sometimes didn't act on it was due to me being sometimes incredibly nervous, self conscious about what others think, or can feel undeserving of love from that person.
I worry a lot about being cheated on, considering my first relationship ended with me being emotionally cheated on- as I have struggled to be emotionally available, which I've endeavoured to fix.
I think its more of an internal struggle I have, and that's what keeps me out of relationships, both intimate and friendly.
The problem I have is I don't have adult capacity to be the equal to many and few take on someone (being real here) less capable than them 😅. So while able to incur initial interest for being "intriguing" or novel, once capacity comes into play the fascination soon dissipates.
I have disappointed numerous women with initial fascination then stupefied by the glacial pace of growth or change. It's usually seen as laziness but truth is I am WAY more retarded than I thought or was presumed 🤔.
Well, like I said, it effects people differently.
It may just be that those are the wrong people for you hopefully. I know sometimes I've put people off due to my mannerisms and sometimes immaturity.
I know that a lot of men have hardly any media to turn to regarding dating, and sometimes media online is toxic.
I've found 3% man by coach corey Wayne helpful though in getting a grip on learning how relationships can work.
I've got a good idea on how relationships work😅. Unfortunately the reality is as a disabled adult male the main barrier will be your work capacity and what you can offer beyond being amusing.
The hard fact is past around 18-24 subsisting off bare minimum isn't the life many dreamed of, it's why I managed to maintain relationships until the question of where things are going cropped up.
As for confidence I've been on many dates in the past few years but not had the fortune of prior years because I'm dealing with grown women now. I can cover up mannerisms and what not but actual function is another story. It's not wrong to say people want careers, the lifestyle, and even possibly children.
So then why not date other disabled or neurodivergent women? Well their options are far greater and I've given that a go too, but l don't exist in a vacuum and between the healthy and competent, or mildly gimped and amusing it's not hard to see why that goes nowhere.
As far as self improvement goes, I could get a degree, take up the ole gym, and get some new clothes; but alas the job function beyond minimum wage isn't happening.
>I've got a good idea on how relationships work😅.
The problem was I didn't for years.
Not sure if I know what solution there is other than attempting any "obvious" solution that is achieveable or make smaller achievements on the way to a BIGGER achievement I suppose.
I have gone into the Countryside management sector, and have been so far loving it, not amazing pay, but the Council I've joined have a lot of benefits with it.
As long as you have some work capacity and trajectory for growth it's a lot easier! If not you're kind of... fucked 🤣
How the heck did you manage to get 3 long term relationships when you had Autism and felt you were too disabled to work?!
I was employed, part time, I had hoped that I'd grow in capability but alas part time was my limit.
Here's the kicker, I am apparently interesting. Many autistics can have what would be deemed similar to narcissists having superficial charm because they are oblivious to the need for function.
So you kind of just happily flit through life if not being charming but a force of personality, the bluntness and seeming extroversion acting seen as attractive and entertaining .
Also you've made a mistake, a lack of work function =/= being able to be endearing or interesting. Say I could cook or draw really well, it would probably take me all day and leave too drained to function: it's not conducive to being in paid employment where that would be expected of you everyday and to the same standard.
Now this is why I've come unstuck: because I'm past the age where being a comparative "loser" with no career or fiscal future is anywhere near acceptable for many people. Charm and being interesting doesn't cut it.
I could get an education and become highly proficient in a craft but it would simply not be workable as a job. As sexist as it sounds, I found being good at something isn't enough, you have to be able to make money off it, which the people I dated were highly proficient but truthfully had never worked a day in their lives and probably won't ever. It still fell to me to be the provider 😬.
Now a neurotypical healthy person, in an age where people do want to have an equal I don't see it as unfair they'd feel cheated if they lowered what they found acceptable merely because of my reduced capacity. So I guess I'm stuck after a good run trying to claw my way to meeting the world of the functional
Married with infant.
To be honest with corona and my work failing and unpaid wages by a scummy boss.
Not too great lately.
It sucks. Its hard not to worry and over stress.
My amazing wife is tired after looking after our beautiful daughter when i get home from work and so am I which leads us to fighting. She doesnt understand but thats because i never open up enough. Which i understand and am learning to do more now.
She always knew i had a few loose screws, but thought after the birth of our daughter would have held it at bay.
But works been fucked. Hate being made to feel like everything is my fault even though my boss cant handle his finances like a normal human being.
You're a good man and I hope it works out.
Is there any legal action you can take against your scummy boss?
Currently going through that now.
Still working for him because he still pays the weekly. Just not the super.
NOT GREAT MY DUDE
I'm bipolar. Sometimes it's a nightmare. I'm pretty heavily medicated and stable, but some days are bad. I think the hardest part is that it's invisible. Having to bring it up with partners can be really awkward. There's just no good time.
For one night stands and casual things I never mentioned it. My wife and long term partners and I all had multiple and lengthy discussions about it. What it meant, what to expect, how to help and when.
Sometimes I take more than I give. I work to not feel guilty. There's only so much I can do.
Its tough, you need to be up front about it with your partner, they have to have an understanding of how things can be and sometimes just be on the end of a phone to make it seem better.
I've ruined numerous relationships and friendships for it though as unless you deal with it then you don't really understand, and even if you do there's so many different types and different issues you can have with it that they don't understand it either.
I take venflaxine, and one of the side effects is a lower sex drive. I'm open with my wife about it, I think that's one of the biggest keys. I've got some Viagra but it gives me a shocking headache so I take it sparingly, but the best thing is just to 'strike while the irons hot'. She understands, so pretty much any time I feel the urge I jump at it, so I've got a higher success rate than before. Definitely still trying to improve things though, this has been 9 months now.
I was on that too for years. It didn’t reduce my libido but made it difficult to achieve orgasm. That and it did help a bit with my depression were great side effects. But heaven help you if you miss a dose or run out. FUCKING NIGHTMARE withdrawals!
D'you those like physical 'pangs' or shooting sensations through you, if you miss? I get mega irritable too
Oh my God! I will never take that stuff again. I have no idea wtf those were. I called them brain zaps. Medically referred to as dizziness. I’m like da fuq it is!I’ve been dizzy that ain’t it! I was on 300mg daily and thank the lord I was able to step down and off without too much trouble. But my marriage fell apart just as I was getting off and it was not a good time in my life.
That happens to me when I miss a dose of my duloxetine. The zaps will hit me more when I'm looking around, like everytime I move my eyes quickly. I think something about the motion activates it.
I get these if I miss my sertraline and to me it feels like it takes my brain a second to catch up after my eyes move
Those sometimes accompany my migraines, definitely wouldn't describe them as dizziness. More like a momentary partial seizure.
I take it too, for years and years. Luckily it doesn't affect my sexdrive as much as depression kills my libido
Dating: non existing, I'm terrified of approaching women so I don't.
Sex: I can be awkward at times so our encounters are usually cringe af.
Romance: I don't even know how to be romantic, I've never been in an actual relationship so I don't know where to begin.
Im 27, and I think my time is running out. (Social anxiety)
27 is young.
Well since u think ur cringe already why not just throw caution to the wind and see what happens, i did that and i lost all my anxiety, i get nervous time to time but its so easy to talk to random people now.
I'm 30 and never had a girlfriend.
I've had severe depression and anxiety since my early teens.
I don't really have a conclusion other than that I am a very easy person to not care about.
Seriously... that applies to so many people. I say this in good faith. Hold on and seek positivity where you can and figure out what it means to be good to yourself. Best wishes to you.
Bipolar here. I've ruined every relationship I've had so far
You and me both, pal
Um, I ruined all 3 so yeah not fun
What dating sexual and romantic life?
I'm probably one of the few people in my situation who can say it hasn't been too bad. I'm 30, have had two meaningful relationships 4 and 3 years long respectively, and dated many women whose company I enjoyed, but ended due to personal differences in long-term goals. I've got a diagnosis of schizoaffective with onset at 18 years old, and had prior panic/anxiety disorder in my teens. The psychosis comes out when I'm manic, but haven't had severe depressive episodes since I've entered my current career of nursing 4 years ago. I'm perfectly medicated for the first time in my life as of one year ago, when my mania was finally addressed (I had a differential diagnosis of schizophrenia for a while), which has actually given me the clarity I need to "find happiness from within." This clarity has improved the health of my social interactions, as I feel I was perhaps a bit too dependent on the wellness of a relationship with my partners for my own sense of happiness. Really, the key has been taking care of myself and my own mental health, the self actualization and healthy relationships follow suit. My sex drive is still high after the meds got sorted and the adjustment period, so that hasn't been an issue either, but if that is a deterrent for men taking meds due to erectile difficulty, a lot of docs will prescribe Cialis or other ED meds without an issue, so don't let that keep you from your sanity.
I get rejected because of it so I'm putting dating on the backburner. Not worth it.
ptsd, found a really suportive girl and my nightmares have mostly stopped. i fuckin love her and when she found out she wasnt worried or anything instead she just helped so for me it ended out really well
Bi-Polar (well controlled with a blip every few years) since I was a teenager and fast approaching 40, I'm fat and have zero confidence in my looks. I've been single since my early twenties and feel totally useless/hopeless when I comes to not being alone/single which feeds into the depression and continuously feeds into the cycle.
I've tried online dating, singles evenings etc, but never seem to get a date.
It's been pretty terrible. I'm afraid to talk to anyone. Afraid to disclose my problems (Bipolar 2, major depression, ADHD). I've had several flings when the Bipolar is high, but I've been single for the last 5 years.
>from a murder attempt from my ex GF. It
Why did the hell did she try to murder you? What she tried to stab you?
Jeez, I'm sorry about that man. Are you ok? She sounds insane.
Wait did you press charges? Jesus, she stabbed you in the chest, that sounds like intent to kill to me. She should be locked up before she kills someone.
Again sorry man. Atleast she's in prison. Probably has a personality disorder.
21 year old Mixed Anxiety and Depressive Disorder patient here. Diagnosed in mid-2020, symptoms trace back to early 2017.
I have never dated. My social energy is low and my friend are all busy college students. As a result, I get little chance to socialise, let alone date. But there have been girls whom I have considered to be suitable to be in a romantic relationship with.
Nevertheless I am hopeful. I used to be timid and rigid around women. Good progress have been made. I started talking to girls about academics, sports, mental health, family etc, gradually building up my confidence. Now I can hold deep, meaningful conversations in both a romantic and platonic context. Female friends of mine who have been in relationships before have been helping me improve my dating game. My mental condition is also improving thanks to therapy and drugs.
Overall, I am optimistic and looking forward to starting my first relationship in the near future.
I have antisocial personality disorder, and I've never let it stop me from making someone's life hell on earth.
Seriously though, I know that I am not relationship material because I am incapable of feeling love. I will spend the rest of my life alone and I'm okay with that.
I have social anxiety disorder and struggle with depression as well. It’s nonexistent, never so much as kissed someone. Trying to get through my mental health and improve it to where I can start dating. But that’s a long way off before I could try to do stuff like that, so just gotta live with it and accept it for now.
I guess that depends, does psychological scarring from childhood trauma and abuse count as a mental health condition? I guess either way, the answer is: not particularly good. From what I've been told, I'm good at sex, and I am fairly good at romantic gestures. I'm just... Idk I can tell there's something wrong with me that makes me not understand the world or people the way other people seem to. I can watch and understand other people, but I can't actually translate that into personally functioning correctly in a dating context. I'm polite, funny, and caring, but even I can tell that it's like a not-fully-healed skin graft over the burn scar of a damaging and confusing childhood spent primarily in fear and isolation.
The generalized anxiety, ruminating, and depression don't help much either. It might be easier if it were more common for women to approach men more often, but my ability to open is absolute shit and it completely paralyzes me.
I think I have mild Autism but I was never diagnosed, though I seem to be a little socially off. I also have depression that varies in strength but I'm always able to function normally, it just sucks being alone.
Dating has been an absolute fucking nightmare. I'm a few months from 40 and have had one relationship and it only lasted 6 months.
I'm also a 5'5 white guy which hasn't helped.
Women just are not interested in me. I've lost track of how many times I've heard, "I like you as a friend."
Honestly I'm getting very very close to just giving up. I have no interest in spending the next 40 years of my life alone.
Worlds a sad place.
same here but i stopped that about 2 years ago when i set my eyes on a certain girl, we have been dating for almost 3 months now and when she found out she just helped instead of overreacting like others had. so for me it ended out well as the person i love took it well and my nightmares etc are becoming less common
I've somehow managed a relationship despite numerous psychiatric diagnoses. I never dated until I turned 20, but then I got into a relationship and it's been going strong for years.
The one downside is sexual; antidepressants make you last forever. It's annoying.
Define mental health condition...
A shit show. I’ve mainly dated and married low quality women who’ve left me worse off emotionally speaking. If a good or high quality woman has ever expressed interest in me I’ve either not noticed or thought they were trying to prank me.
I did not date / or try to until recently. At first cause I felt like I would be a burden to someone. After I started therapy and with a little push from my therapist I tried to start dating again and then lockdown hit here. So that has been on hold until now. Will go out this weekend cause the covid situation allows it now :)
Also tried online dating but nothing came out of it. It rather made me feel worse due to the crazy requirements some ppl seem to have.
How did you come over the feeling of being a burden to someone?
I didnt. But I realised that it is a feeling and does not have to dictate my life. I also talked with close friends about it and got their feedback and it does not line up with the way im feeling so why should i trust a feeling literaly everyone around me does see opposite of how I am feeling. Sometimes you just have to do the opposite of what your feelings tell you to go ahead even if it is freaking hard to do.
Damn straight! Thanks
I didn’t start therapy until almost 20 (currently 20), and only because my parents were tired of dealing with my outbursts. They kicked me out 3 days after I turned 19, for missing a doctors appointment. Before that, I was experiencing extreme depression for at least 5 years, and then the anxiety started. I still don’t have an official diagnosis because it hasn’t been long enough, but my therapist says it’s pointed towards bpd and/or adhd.
My first and only relationship lasted over the summer break between 8th and 9th grade, and ended early into 9th. She had been with another guy as we started talking and broke things off about a week into hanging out. Or so I was told. My best friend of 11 years was in the same physical education class as her, and relayed to me that her “ex” was too. And they would hold hands and constantly hold each other daily. I asked nicely if she still talked to him or had feelings for him, and she completely denied it. I told her what I knew, and she denied that too. I asked once more, a few days later, to be met with a similar response. So I broke up with her. We had a couple classes together, and she’d try to play footsie or just stare at me and I ignored her. I told a person that I knew about what happened, only to find out that person is her cousin, and relayed all of that talk to her. I was done and I honestly didn’t and still don’t feel anything regarding the end, only the happy moments and memories.
For the rest of high school I simply maintained friendships that I still have to this day, 7 and 8 years. Those people were the only thing I looked forward to in my life, and still are. The only thing I’m still alive for. I have no motivation to do anything, except occasionally hang out or play video games with them. I’m not close to my sister, who I live with, my cousins, grandparents, and especially my own parents. I’m the black sheep of the family, and seen as the fuck up. I’m the first in my family to fail classes and not go to college. I tried community college for 2 semesters. In the first, I got overwhelmed, lost my motivation, and tried to hold down my job, while paying all of my money to my parents for rent, living at home. The same thing happened the 2nd semester, except earlier and living at my grandmas house. Then I got fired and kicked out of my grandmas house because I wouldn’t talk about my depression with her. I told my parents I was going to move to the high desert with friends and they offered to help with rent if I moved in with my sister. That ends in less than a month. I have no money because the unemployment I’ve received has gotten me by, but I’ve never been good with finances and haven’t saved much.
Back when I still had a job and wasn’t going to school, while at my grandma’s, we got a new hire, a 24 year old, single mom. By this point I had the job down relatively well and was just cruising, trying not to explode at the shitty management and lack of hours. This woman offered to buy me booze and wanted to drive me around in her nice, new jeep, and called me cute. So I went along with it. She wasn’t great looking, but she had extra money to spend and treated me like a sugar baby in a way. One night, I invited her over and we cuddled and watched Richie rich on my small tv. But she wouldn’t watch, and just kept giving me the look and snuggling up closer, but I refused. She left and a week or so went by. We went out again and she took me to vons to buy booze. She got white claws and tequila. We drove to a spot and she drank 1 white claw while I took shots and chased it with white claw. About 30 minutes in I was completely plastered and asked to be taken home. When we got there, I threw up in the bushes and invited her in. She sat on my bed while I got water. I came back and asked if she wanted to watch something and she said sure. So I put on a show and laid down, about to black out. She laid on top of me and reached down my pants. I didn’t stop her, but I was too drunk to know what was happening before she turned off the light and started undressing. We had sex for about 20 minutes before I told her I wasn’t feeling it. She got dressed and was about to leave before asking if I was ok because felt like she took advantage of me. I said don’t worry about it because I just wanted to go to sleep.
Work got pretty awkward. It was like normal, except she was openly sexual about everything. And then she started groping me and rubbing against me. I told her to stop and she called me crazy and weird.
I went on a date with a girl on a dating app, but she just talked about anime, which I don’t watch, and her ex constantly. After driving her home, I deleted all dating apps.
In today’s world, it’s rare to find loyalty and true kindness, even more rare in someone who’s attracted to you. I still have hope that one day I can find a girl who I can love and appreciate with my whole heart, and feel that reciprocated. But I have to accept that that is very rare and might never happen. For now I have my friends, and we will see what the future brings.
My first love left me because of it, and I do not at all blame her, because I was toxic af and not taking care of it at the time. Slept around a lot in my early 20s before I really got serious about getting well. Put a ton of work into myself healing, getting disciplined, and transforming my habits and character. Had the first healthy relationship of my life a few years ago with the woman that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But it all fell apart two months prior to the wedding. I think she was deeply afraid of the possibility that I might go off the rails someday, which I definitely did after we split up. Tried to go back to dating, but I hadn't done enough to heal yet and was attracting very toxic people to myself, which only made my condition worse. Took some time off to focus on myself.
My core wound is that I am fundamentally sick and no one is ever going to love me because of it. That I have this darkness in my soul that, once they catch a glimpse of it, every partner will run away. I mean, living with myself has been hard enough, so I kind of get it. My last relationship ended a year ago after a relapse. I'm very, very transparent about my issues, my past, and how I am working on overcoming them. Part of me wishes that I had someone that had the courage to stick around and that would help me stick to my path. I've found that the aspiration to be the best partner that I can be is a really powerful motivator for me to stay healthy. Maybe that's asking too much of someone, idk... I kind of think that is how relationships are supposed to be.
I've struggled a lot in recent years not succumbing to bitterness and misogyny, tbh. A few of my more recent partners had seriously abusive exes they were still hung up on, and bailed on me the first moment that I needed some help. That's fucked with my head a bit. Sometimes, I get in this pity party that I was way more successful with women when I was toxic, but now that I'm trying to be a good man, that isn't what women really want. Which I recognize as being partially true, but also just my ego trying to protect itself.
If it weren't for this one thing, I would be a very attractive partner and an ideal companion, I believe. I have a lot going on for me in spite of it. And my struggles in overcoming it have made me into a man of formidable character, humbled me profoundly, and deepened my capacity for love and empathy. I get a lot of female attention, but I can't do casual sex anymore. So for now, I've embraced celibacy.
I've never been on psychiatric medication but I suffer from anxiety (social anxiety and panic attacks) which has developed into a walking depression. I'm 28 and I feel lucky to have had 1 long term relationship in my life, it's a shame too cause I'm quite attractive. I would never cold approach a women and find it panic attack inducing to ask someone out on a date so most women aren't interested in me.
> how has your dating, sexual and romantic life been so far?
So basically non-existent.
My girlfriend is great but I never stop thinking about us breaking up. Relationship anxiety makes any effort to have a relationship, a miserable experience.
Bad bad bad i have truma, i never want to have a girlfriend
I tend to feel overwhelmed by my relationship to the point that I'm almost erased. I don't know how to give and take so I never really advocate for myself or my needs in a relationship. My own negative emotions are too much so the only way I made my marriage work is to kind of shut myself down and never seek emotional comfort.
Rough, if I'm honest. I've been diagnosed with high-functioning social anxiety and two depressive disorders and some days, it's difficult just motivating myself to work. Fortunately, I have an outstanding career, I'm pursuing my first house on my own, and I have tons of things to be proud of. Yet, for most of my 20s, I put relationships on the backburner to focus on my career and I find myself in the early phase of my 30s kind of regretting not putting as much emphasis on relationships or at least making an attempt at them. I've been in a few, but they've generally not been long term things.
I think the issue is that people need to say that you need to "put yourself out there", but I've never been a bar hopper or a club person, not with my social anxiety. With my interests, my best matches are likely to also be introverts as well, so that adds an additional layer of difficulty in meeting anyone. Online dating is a borderline scam. I think it's rougher nowadays, or maybe I'm just making excuses. Who knows. All I can say is that they've been largely minimal, and I find myself regretting/being sad about it now.
I can blame a very, very sizable chunk on my misfortunes in life on mental condition. It was undiagnosed until last year.
It's taken a toll on every relationship I've ever had. Family, friends, romance. Not everyone can empathize or understand what it's like to go through severe mental health issues, and how hard the daily battle is.
Barren as fuck for the last 6 years.
With asperger's, people are often impressed at how clever and witty I am but they dig any deeper they'll find there's nothing under the surface. And having read up on it being "from another planet" is a huge part of the issue. On some level, I feel like there's this fundamental difference between me and other people and I can't actually relate to them or to connect with them beyond a superficial level.
15 years of depression and suicidal ideation. They've been nonexistent
Bipolar type 2
2 ex-wives. 8 years single. 2.5 years since I've been on a date
So... not great
between not good and not existent and I prefer the latter honestly.
Anxiety and depression here, apart from some other maybe undiagnosed stuff.
All three are nonexistent. The only times I've been close to reaching them were with me being a completely different person to hide all this shit.
I've been talking to someone who knows about it all, and the future makes me extremely nervous.
Non-existent. I think a hug is sounding pretty erotic at this point.
I avoid it, not like I'm popular or have women asking me out on the regular basis but I'm totally done with dating or having romantic relationships.
After my last LTR, it took me like 3 years to be "myself" again, ir reallt took a great hit on my already poor mental health, so I decided I'm not gonna risk it again.
But it's alright, I don't mind being single, I never wanted kids, and I enjoy my alone time, also have a good group of friends, so is not like I'm lonely.
Sex isn't a problem neither, I'm pretty sure I'm demisexual because the idea of having sex for the sake of it is not appealing to me, I rather masturbate.
Also I'm not a social person, I enjoy being inside, most of my hobbies are not social, and the ones that are, I prefer to keep that people separate from my personal life, nothing personal, but if I'm taking classes is not to make friends.
I enjoy my alone, quiet, peaceful life, I'm grateful of my career and being able to work from home, and seems like most people dating want some kind of Inidia Jones, because people loves adventures and going outside, I rather being inside, and I'm not gonna change that.
My coworker is a 25 year old man diagnosed with schizophrenia. He has explained to me has had a lot of rejections from girls when he discloses his condition. Not just a casual rejection. He says they straight up block him on their phones. He found a girl he truly loves because she accepts him. Though, he is completely dependent on her and says he will kill himself if she leaves him.
I (27) have been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I currently take bupropion (300 mg) and duloxetine (50 mg). I also have cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) sessions twice a month.
I am happy to say that my current love life is finally pretty great. After 10 years of ineffective treatment, I'm having a lot of success with my current treatment regimen, though I do have sexual dysfunction side effects from the duloxetine (it's an SSNRI). I have been in an awesome and fulfilling relationship with a great guy (gayyyy) for the past two years, and we're now engaged and looking to tie the knot soon. Our sex life is okay despite the medication side effects, as my partner's sex drive is probably lower than average, and overall he has been super patient re my low libido and difficulty reaching orgasm. Finding a patient partner was actually key to overcoming the sexual dysfunction—being in your head and worrying about it when you're trying to have sex makes it so much worse.
All of my previous relationships have been derailed at least in part by my untreated anxiety, and my lack of understanding as to how anxiety works. In therapy I figured out that my tendency is to invent all sorts of crises based on zero actual evidence, and then worrying about those bullshit problems eventually spirals out of control until I can't take it anymore and I end the relationship. Some of my common thought patterns include:
* I would get into a trivial argument with a partner, and then on the basis of having had an argument at all, I would worry if we were "truly compatible" or "truly meant to be."
* If my partner was in a bad mood for any reason, I would worry that he was in a bad mood because of some festering resentment towards me that he wasn't expressing.
* I would get triggered by some slight criticism that would then bounce around in my head for hours and ruin my day.
* If I felt my partner wasn't being affectionate enough, I would worry that he was distancing himself from me and preparing to break up with (i.e. abandon) me.
* I wouldn't want to do anything involving my partner's friends or family because I was worried they would discover that I was "weird" and not like me.
Getting effective treatment and taking other steps to improve my life was key to feeling better and being able to sustain a healthy relationship. The medication alone wasn't too helpful; I didn't really get better until I started seeing a therapist, who helped me figure out how my anxiety works, what triggers my anxiety, why I am susceptible to those triggers, and what I can do mentally and physically to confront anxious feelings before they spiral out of control (e.g. asking myself the Socratic questions, working out, taking small steps out of my comfort zone to desensitize myself to my anxiety triggers).
I got ADHD and Bipolar disorder, before the diagnosis I was a mess, would date people for no reason other than trying to feel understood and ended up manipulated or manipulating, I would be rude or too nice for no reason, I got panic attacks when meeting friends of people I was dating, I couldn't really be myself because I felt like I was never enough, speaking about my feelings was my worst fear, my sex drive was up an down all the time and potential partners got spooked when I opened myself about my issues.
Now I am medicated and fine, some days are harder than others but nothing like the days I described. Can confidently say that SSRIs and CBT saved my life.
Bad at 0 relationships and a lot of that can be attributed to my mental health.
Im trying to date but my appearance is awful so 0 matches on tinder or what have you but irl i am friendly beyond all measure and talk to everyone and make people laugh and people at least seem to enjoy my company etc.
It kinda destroys my confidence in dating a lot.
I have a type of personality disorder. Was diagnosed young. Only my fiancee is aware of it. She actually likes it. Whereas other partners wasn't so happy.
Got some PTSD from challenging post op pain when I was fifteen, learned how to deal with it with a psychologist (actually still learning the fine details) and to be honest it's the single thing that made me really grow, I know it's not common and I've been on the brink of suicide from the constant pain and fatigue that i had but of I could I wouldn't change a thing
Whatever I have has made it very very difficult. I guess the closest I can say is PTSDish symptoms. Anxiety. Depression but not the type where I can't get out of bed. More like ruminating and juggling 100 things at once to distract myself.
I've been successful in academia and career. Even "friends" and acquaintances for being reserved. I am great at small talk and superficial relationships. Can not get more than surface level with people my age.
2 what I would call "relationships" (they would disagree). 6 months then 2ish years .
Both ended badly. One my fault. One was hers. I have somehow both insane commitment issues and have extreme difficulty letting women go once I have feelings for them. Cheated + left for a married sugar daddy at the office didn't help Abandonment issues.
I'm never having children. Just the thought of that sounds insane to me. I think that's becoming more common but women will always want them
Like most men, I'm attracted to women that match the archetype of my mother: fiercely intelligent, affectionate, and as emotionally unstable as Windows ME.
You can imagine how that's going.
I have anxiety and depression and a below average ability to focus. It has affected my life in many ways, but it doesn't seem to have had a negative impact on my ability to get dates, sex and relationships. Those things are actually the only ones that has come easily to me.
Bad. Very bad.
Forgive me if this sounds a bit insensitive, but I honestly don't know.
For the people with ASD in this thread who have kids, do your kids have autism too?
I've been reading into causes of autism and it seems there isnt really any concrete evidence on what causes it. Only some tendencies.
Major depressive, engaged.
It helps that she is also depressed, had a fucked up childhood, and uses incredibly dark humor as a coping mechanism. We’ve definitely broken down to each other a few times. Will admit that it was a long route to get to this point. It’s a miracle that we even ended up together. I had just gotten divorced from the only girl I’d ever been with and was basically looking for any rebound so I could feel anything. She was dealing with her mom being on her death bed and was looking for just something to take her mind off that. We ended up becoming best friends and falling in love. We’re both still crazy but we understand the each other’s reasons for it and work together to be better.