Am I unreasonable?
By - Logically_Speaking
>Her family has threatened to ruin my life as her father is a policeman and her uncle is a local politician as a break-up will ruin her chances of marriage elsewhere.
Once things resolves to threats and blackmail, there should be no going back to this. You're in for a miserable life after marriage, if this is how their family resolves differences.
Well put. I too feel that I will be in a lose-lose situation if I choose to bow down now. Thank for taking out the time. Appreciate it
I feel bad for you but I am very amused by this. Y'all agree to anything when the woman is super younger, and then the inevitable problems of the big age gap roll around. You guys have to realize that all your parents and relatives want from you are children- that's why they keep trying to find you young women. They don't care whether you're able to raise said children well and whether the woman will be an emotionally healthy mom.
Anyway, I think you should consult a lawyer about the legal threats and how to break it off.
Best break this off, not just because she's not career-oriented, but because she lacks ethics. Firstly, she mislead you, secondly, she does not have the ethics to simplify life for her bosses and co-workers. Third, you already said she comes from a family where she believes her job is to sit at home- which means you'll never be able to rely on her to hold the fort, if your luck sours.
I know families like this. Only reason she is working is because many men nowadays don't look at home-sitting girls (especially as they get older). I heard of families that allowed daughters to do MBA only because they didn't get rishta based on looks.
And finally, about you getting too old, if you keep wanting women much younger then yes, you are too old. But if you're open to 29+ women there are enough of them these days and you won't be too old.
Hi, thanks for taking time out to respond. I can relate well to the points you mentioned including the age gap for better child bearing. I too feel I should marry a girl who is around 30 years old but I always found tremendous resistance from my family whenever I selected such a girl. I always thought one can work through the age gap if the attitudes match but it clearly isn't as straightforward as I presumed. I obviously do not want to go down the legal route as I only seek to start my married life not embroil in these fights. Let's hope this leads to some positive outcome.
You usually can't work through age gap problems. Very few people manage to do it.
No, you misunderstood. Not telling you to take a legal route, there probably isn't one. A lawyer can tell you what to do about the girl's families threats.
Again, most women can safely have children in their 30s. Research has also now shown that much of the problems have to do with the men being older too. It's not like your sperm stays healthy in your 30s. Read up on it and learn to tell your family to F off, honestly.
I was like the fiancé in this. Some lines that the op said about her resonate so much with the younger me. For me, career oriented was getting enough money to be independent and not ask anyone else. Having a job in a large mnc was something I was not sure I had the competency in me. In hindsight I was the best but lacked confidence. When I joined I made some mistakes at work and my manager outright yelled at me. (Make no mistake, I fought back every time) And right in front of me gave the work to another of my peer. In a matter of few months, anywhere there was a mistake, the entire team used to roll their eyes “ god was she working on this too”. I got the least hike, which impacted my promotion for next 3 years. After about an year, the manager left and another guy came. He assigned me all tasks and made me look like a hero. Suddenly I was the best performer. Suddenly the same people in the team were looking up to me. He put the idea in me that I need to push myself beyond the project. Look for challenges, overseas etc.
Years later when I moved to a different company, I found a guy who was snubbed by the manager whom I replaced. He today earns more than me.
So , sorry if it’s being a devils advocate. As long as she has not resigned and is not cooking at home only, she is still career oriented. No one knows what’s going on in our teams. You are 33 . You might have overcome the situation. She hasn’t.
First off, thanks for taking the time out to respond, and big kudos to you for not giving up and putting in the efforts towards your career. A successful project is a reward in itself. The monetary benefits are negligible compared to the morale boost earned from it.
I have suffered due to bad bosses, so I know the hindrances external factors can have in your job. The aspect I find lacking in her, unlike you, she gave up in the face of the slightest obstacles.
I am a manager too, in a different but very stressful field, so I know when a person is ostracised due to perception and not due to work. I found her reasoning impractical and thus lost confidence in her.
Ohh Has she resigned already? Is she out of job? What do you mean given up?
Wow, that's a good comment. Liked your perception and Kudos to you. Going through this, I remembered my younger days. Really, the bosses can intimidate very badly or be a good mentor and an employee can get affected either way.
You don't sound unreasonable at all, it sounds like a major incompatibility issue. Financial contribution is something you guys need to able to reach an agreement on. Also, I think the fact that her family is literally threatening you is a major red flag...
(Unfortunately, I don't have advice for how to deal with the situation, sorry 😕)
You think you know people until the difficult situations arise and it is then people resort to their core values. I am certainly bad at reading people and this whole experience has proved it. I must say one thing that has been stated countless times in this community is 'Trust your gut instinct'. That is the first sign of problem and one should act on it. I do appreciate your time and support. That helps nonetheless.
Thank for taking out the time to help me out. I was not expecting so many people to respond within the night.
I do get the points you make and I won't counter or correct them as these are circumscansical but as I have been thinking about this issue a lot, I did weigh in on these and they did cross my mind at some point. The conversation around the income bracket is something I want to avoid as I feel I will put her at a disadvantage and it will be perceived as a low blow.
I too have a brother in the states who does not have any financial expectations from his wife but I felt my perspective on life is very different than his so I cannot follow his path. She might be a good fit for such a guy but that might be like finding a needle in a heap of needles.
I am so sorry that I do not have any advice. All I want to say is that I have read all of your comments and you seem like a person who respects difference in opinions pretty well. Hope for the best for you :)
I am not expert here so take my advice only as a thinking from my perspective. I have been in similar situation(engagement in hurry in AM setup) but atleast I think I learned my mistake and called it off and tbh I think it was good for both of us and not just for myself as we were fighting constantly over topics in which were not compatible.
Thanks for taking out to respond. I feel there is now a wall between us and the trust is hanging by the last thread. I am not sure if an amicable break-up is a possibility but I hope someone sees this rationally and does not make it an ego issue.
Your goals aren’t aligning at all. If there hasn’t been an exchange of money, jewelry or other things shouldn’t it be easier to break it off?
I hope there hasn’t been any physical exchange between you both because of her family is already threatening you know, they might also hold this against you. I condone the fact that consensual premarital sex has become a bargaining chip in marriage but it’s happening and I hope for your sake you have not partaken in it.
Hi, thanks for taking the time off. There hasn't been any physical exchnage other than going to a dinner twice nor there has been any exchange of money or jewellery. Her family had purchased a wedding rings and mangalsurta along with 3 sarees. I have offered to pay for the ring (and take it) as well as the sarees. I do not want to be a case of stuck funds here. There has been no engagement nor a booking or preparations for the wedding venue.
You are not being unreasonable, but you should have dealt with this better in the first place. You knew your priorities, so you should have met her a couple of times and asked questions in a clever way to gauge her priorities before agreeing to the marriage. I understand that arranged marriage setting is difficult and one won't get to understand everything.
Like her, some women aren't too interested career wise, but I agree that she mislead you instead of saying the truth. You hold this point against her for break-up. Tell people that if she had been honest with you in the first place, you wouldn't have accepted the proposal only. Make this incompatibility issue look as convincing as possible so that others will understand that the marriage is not going to be happy with this issue. Try to make them understand without anger.
Tell her that she can get a good husband who is more inclined towards a wife being not so career oriented like her, and to convince her parents and uncle. Talk to her and make her understand that even she is not going to be happy with your career-oriented mindset and other interests. Tell her that this marriage break-up isn't going to become an obstacle in her life towards marriage, she is going to get good proposal. Make her understand such that she herself decides to call off the marriage.
If things doesn't go smooth, Get a lawyer and solve this issue.
In our country, parents don't encourage daughters towards careers, but worried about her getting married and being a good wife and daughter-in-law. So next time, please be careful with this.
First and foremost I would say being ambitious has nothing to do with financial struggles. I have seen plenty of people like your fiance in India and other countries who get away being the “minimum guy” and have a stable job. You seem to be too concerned with the money she may be bringing in to the relationship in the present and future fearing all sort of negative possibilities and thats the reason for all your issues.
While she may not be career oriented, I have seen plenty of people in Senior positions who’ve just stayed in the same company and since they were termed as “loyal” as they got into the good books of management. While that may bot be the case with your finance she could still benefit with changing her job.
Now since shit has hit the fan with your families you really need to just find a way to get out of the situation. Going ahead with the alliance with all these threats from you prospective (or not so prospective) FIL seems like a really bad idea since the relationship between both the families has reached a low point.
Hey! Thanks for taking the time out to respond. The lack of financial and career maturity is my gripe. I did not mention that she earns too little over me but what irks me is how she is least concerned about advancing her career. I might be misinterpreting you as could be implying money as the yardstick of success, which is a fair assessment. All things aside, I feel terrible for putting a lot of elderly folks under tremendous stress and, I hope this gets resolved amicably & quickly.
I feel everyone nowadays values income levels in AM a bit too much. I (36M) have had the reverse issues where women were too bothered about how much I make or how much inheritance I have etc. It just turns me off from matches specially when the other side isn’t as well doing as my family.
Good couples make it work no matter what. I saw it in my parents where we went from staying in a chawl to a 3 BHK in a decent neighbourhood. Growing up there was never enough but we never felt the need for more.
Just keep in mind that the other persons making good income doesn’t guarantee that you would share chemistry or might end up having a good relationship with her after marriage.
You two are different, there is no way either would be happy. I also can't see why you went ahead with things just because your family wanted.
Hey OP. This is a very sticky situation. Depending on where you are and how much pull that family has, they might actually come through on their threats. I suggest you document everything, record calls, screenshot texts etc. in case this turns ugly and you have to pursue the legal route. Hope it doesn't come to that. Good luck OP.
yes you guys definitely should not get married . you both aren't compatible . you want a career woman and she doesn't want that.
but on a side note I am curious about the sort of person you are
I hope you and your family aren't or haven't taken gifts /dowry from the girl. your family insisting on a younger woman looks like they are shopping for a brood mare.
And its really sad you being strong in your career have no stand in your own house.. you can't have the cake and eat it too. you would find much more career oriented women in your own age group. so firstly you and your family need to be on same page..mostly your page...take a stand and forget the age filter
so..if it's not a big deal..tell us what you and your family bring to the table.. I feel like there's something more you are not telling us
Okay I'm going to try being the devil's advocate here.
First of all OP, being ambitious and being financially independent are 2 different things. Yes both aspects may entangle with each other regularly and affect one another but they are still very much different.
Some people aren't just that much into ambition and growth, they are just content with where they are, which is absolutely fine. Your prospect may have had an easy life with everything served on a silver platter but that's not a reason to judge her on this. It's just how it is. You mentioned that her family is politically connected, connections come in handy when looking for jobs in the market. I presume that's why she is just so chill about her career, she knows that she can get by with bare minimum and bounce back to something else even if it doesn't work out. Get this clear with yourself whether you want an ambitious wife, financially independent wife, or both. Women in our society are already subtly brainwashed into abandoning their hobbies and passions.
Coming to the other part, blackmailing and threatening is an absolute red flag. But in Indian society's context(conservative one no less), a girl with a broken engagement will already be in a very shitty situation. Any father would do whatever necessary to make sure things go ahead especially when the resoning for calling it off was "lack of ambition". And this is a family with some local pull according to you so obviously they will say whatever they can and try to assert dominance, manipulate you.
I'd just say that it's your decision but you need to look inwards and ask yourself what's going to make your life both happier and easier. Not just in present but in future too.
Yup, this is very true.