By - 82hd33
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshile because I took my daughers phone that her dad bought for her away but I think its unfaur for the rest of my kids
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Why can't her dad have his own rules and buy her a nice phone? Are you envious? YTA.
Parents have to decide on rules together. It doesn't work when you change rules on weekly basis. Children need stability
Lies. It's called parallel parenting because coparenting doesn't work with people like OP.
Yes, I felt like reading this that she is one of the my way or the highway type.
Frankly, from this post alone, if I were in the Dad’s shoes, I’d make sure my kid had a phone, too. This seems like the kind of mom who wants everyone to have the same exact treatment (great in theory, not so much in practice especially with a co-parenting situation), demands things go her way, is hyper-rigid in her parenting style, and cannot make allowances for anyone else. Your kid has a different dad than the other four siblings, and he is allowed to buy her a phone and pay for the contract. It’s not YOUR phone to take away, OP. You want her to be the exact same as the others, and wish to take something “better” away from one child to appease the others. People don’t have the same opportunities in life, people don’t always have the same circumstances, and you, as well as your other kids, need to adjust to the fact the she is different because she has a different parenting situation.
In an ideal world, the ex would’ve talked to you before buying the phone. Equally, in an ideal world, you would’ve taken your grievances up with your ex like an adult instead of taking the whole thing out on your child. You may not like the situation, but it’s going to be hard to defend your position in court. It’s not your property, she should be able to have a means to independently contact her other parent, and you don’t get to unilaterally make all decisions for a child you share in a co-parenting situation. Give the phone back before he takes this up with the court, unless you want to have the custody agreement amended. YTA, OP.
>This seems like the kind of mom who wants everyone to have the same exact treatment (great in theory, not so much in practice especially with a co-parenting situation), demands things go her way, is hyper-rigid in her parenting style,
Totally agree. If this was 20 yrs ago, fine, no problem for the kid to not have a phone because you could still find public phones and phone books everywhere. Today, it's much more difficult to find a public phone, there's the real risk of emergencies at school, and the kid needs to be able to contact her dad (even if her mom doesn't care).
As someone who grew up in a very different world, I can say it just makes sense to ensure kids have a way to contact their parents. OP is an AH for not seeing that the world has changed, regardless of how old her daughter is, and she has no right to take away her daughter's phone without even talking with her dad. Yes, it would've been nice if Dad had given OP a heads-up, but I don't have a lot of hope for OP's flexibility and ability to roll with the punches here.
She’s definitely the type you see on Facebook who brag about taking school clothes and shoes from one kid whose dad more than provided and either divide it up or return it for cash.
We'd be back in court, cuz her desire to make all things equal in her household really has nothing to do with her ex husband. Its a lovely fantasy. But, its impossible to demand people respect your fantasy. His child is his issue. All the kids are hers.
It sucks. But, its still reality.
Further, if she's not living with both parents at home, having a phone to stay in contact with the other parent is extraordinarily beneficial (speaking from experience). If she's so upset, she should have the father of the other kids pitch in to help get better phones or something. If I'd had a phone before my abuser got to the point of completely brainwashing and beating the fear into my physically and psychologically, I might have had a shot at ending our abuse and speaking up. I was kept isolated from my father and his side of the family for a great deal of my younger life and I bear a lot of resentment for it. OP sounds just like my childhood.
>This seems like the kind of mom who wants everyone to have the same exact treatment
If she's so big on them having the same experience then she should have been responsible enough to make sure all her kids had one father. Kids shouldn't have to miss out in life because of her poor selection in life partners.
Her ex already chose the highway. Her daughter probably will too...
And dad probably knew she was going to raise a fuss and figured it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than ask permission.
Yup. YTA. I agree with No-You5550 that you sound like compromise is not in your vocabulary.
OP, you and her dad should have discussed this like co-parents. But you didn't communicate with him, he didn't communicate with you, and you reacted with a draconic punishment that frankly is beyond your authority. If you want her to only use that phone at her dad’s, you could enforce that, but you would still be an asshole.
Equality is good, but you can't always enforce it, especially as to third parties. Also, you may want to examine your policy about age and quality of phones for your kids. Lots of reasonable parents have a different one.
Exactly. So much toxic bullshit can take place under the weaponized guise of "co-parenting".
Obviously if healthy co-parenting is possible then yes, do that. And yes of course it's better to have consistency between households, BUT, that's more of a luxury than a requirement.
When you have one controlling/personality-disordered parent, consistency is less of a concern than having strong boundaries and resisting their drama-stirring and attempts to use "co-parenting" issues as a Trojan horse/using the children as pawns for their control games.
plain and simple we'll be seeing OP again in three years time. Only the post will at that point will read: AITA for causing my 14yo daughter to move in with her dad edit: my 12 yr old got her first phone at age 9 we were concerned about her safety and wanted her to be able to contact us should she run into a dangerous situation.
Yeah. But sending your kid with a set of rules to another house and expecting the other house to follow said rules is naive beyond all belief.
This goes both ways - Both dads should do better
I fully agree on this, but OP setting the rules and not accepting any input from the dad is not the same as deciding on rules together
My Dog knows the difference between my daughter's rules for getting ready to go for a walk and my son's rules for getting ready to go for a walk. Their routines are totally different and they each take him out multiple times a day - If a not-to-bright dog understands rules change when you deal with differnt people, an 11-year old Certainly can understand the difference.
Yes they can understand the different sets of rules but when parents aren’t on the same page like this then it just causes problems in the future because it’s shows the kid doesn’t have to respect ops rules and can just go to her dad when her mom says no kids are a lot smarter than dogs and work around the rules especially around the kids age and with the dad buying the phone it still violates ops rules when the daughter brings the phone to her house
This is incorrect and research shows it. Rules at church vs school vs home vs park vs grand parents is completely normal and easy to understand by all especially kids. Parallel parenting is perfectly normal and can be very successful as long as the parents don't try to undermine each other which is what OP is doing by trying to control the rules at both houses.
If OP doesn't want the daughter to have the phone at her house that's fine. She can take the phone when she comes and when she leaves she gives it back. It's very simple. It's all about how the rules and boundaries are communicated.
Kids will always push boundaries. That's their job. All humans do it.
Except from the dad's shoes, I wouldn't be ok with that. I would want to be able to talk to my daughter at will, and her having a phone off her own facilitates that.
There's nothing magical about the age of 12 versus 11, it's just an arbitrary number the mom decided on. Because this daughter has a different father, she should be flexible with that rule imo.
An 11yo having a phone is a pretty normal thing (whether you like it or not).
The dad is not out of line here and OP sounds like someone, who has never even attempted a rational discussion, so how would this "deciding together" work?
Yes, children need stability; but they also need understanding. It baffles me that waiting one more year for her to turn 12 is a big deal. If she was 7, it'd be a different story. But she's less than a year away from OP's "intended age" for phone use. Also sounds like she's traveling back and forth between households. Maybe for her, stability and security is having a phone. That way she can keep in contact with all parental parties. Stability isn't keeping your child under an iron thumb. Not everything is so black and white.
So why does mom get to unilaterally make that rule though? I don't think you realize what you just said
This is what I want to know. Maybe he wants to be able to contact her more reliably to. We have no idea if OP had a house phone or how hard it is to keep in contact with his daughter.
This is why I got my daughter a phone much earlier than I really wanted to. I want her to be able to reach me without going through her dad. Also his phone sucks for reasons unknown to me so calls were a nightmare of not being able to understand what she's saying
So she should have let dad have a say.
OP this right here. Dad can certainly have his own rules at his place. Did you even talk to dad about this rule of yours and see if he agreed? If so, he may have agreed to wait. But even if he didn't you handled this situation extremely poorly. YTA
Also, I am pretty sure this would be considered theft. It was purchased by the father, and given as a gift. The OP has no ownership over the phone. Also, it doesn't sound like these parents are co-parenting. They should be discussing these decisions together. OP made a decision without consulting the father and the same for the father.
Then she can keep it at his house.
The best thing would be if Mom and Dad could agree on having the same rules instead of having two different lives.
Certainly the best, not always possible.
OP decided her word was law. Why does the dad not get any input? I'm kind of surprised the daughter hasn't had a phone before this, so she can communicate easier with whichever parent she's not with at that time. Given how there doesn't appear to be an open and ongoing discussion for coparenting, I would think they'd be happy to talk to their kid without interacting with the other parent.
FYI, TAKING THE PHONE IS THEFT OP.
I also find it deeply concerning that the cost of the phone is all OP is worried about. A more important concern would be if OP and ex agreed on and had mutual access to this magical thing called safety features.
But no, the 'unfairness' of her other kids not being able to have as nice stuff is the real issue here. 🙄
YTA. He, **THE DAD**, has every right to buy HIS daughter a phone. You can, limit her usage, while she is at your place but you have no right to take it away from her and you don't get to dictate what **HER DAD** choose to buy her.
And daughter can leave the phone at Dad’s house... Problem solved
ETA - seems like everyone is forgetting that OP’s daughter knew the rule. She didn’t like it so she ran to Daddy & he gave her what she wanted. That’s called acting like a brat. So unless Dad has a good explanation of why he ignored Mom’s rule, it’s going right back to Dad’s house. No one should be rewarding this behavior. Makes sense to me (good luck when she’s a teenager & thinks she can do whatever she wants because Dad said she could)
ETA more - I still think OP is T.A. for her overreacting to this situation. Way too much drama. This was an adult conversation that could’ve easily been resolved. But you don’t just ignore the other parent’s rules. Also, all kids can act like brats so settle down. It’s not that big of a deal. I’m not blaming the kid for having 2 idiot parents. All kids need to learn No is an acceptable answer & an 11 yr old should understand what the word no means. They are playing tug-of-war with their kid & teaching her she can manipulate the adults who should be making decisions for her safety, health, well-being together! Not a good lesson. This kid knew she wasn’t meant to have a phone at Mom’s until she was 12. Kid can go ahead & ask Dad who then “should” talk to Mom to see how to work it out. But Dad doesn’t call Mom for any reason, not even to just give a heads-up “hey I decided to get kid a phone we should talk about how that’s going to work before I drop her off” ... Dad let’s kid waltz in to Mom’s & deal with the fallout. He set his daughter up for failure. These parents are more concerned about who is in charge, meanwhile the 11 yr old is running the show
Hide your property or else jealous people in your life will take it from you is a poor lesson to teach a child.
I'm confused why I keep seeing jealousy being mentioned as if that could be the only reason to prevent her from having a phone? As if they aren't highly addictive devices? I do think phones are important for safety reasons in today's world, but kids have no reason to own expensive smart phones.
Confused by this too. Seems perfectly reasonable to not want an 11yo to have an expensive device. People often use the terms expensive vs cheap with phones to imply smart phone with internet access vs phone that just calls and texts.
Plus the part where kids aren't as careful so why let them destroy/lose something potentially worth a few hundred or even $1k? I guess it's dad's loss then but it would be frustrating to have him undermining the rules/reasonable punishment. If he wants their daughter to be able to contact him at mom's and thus have unrestricted access to a phone of her own, there's no reason it needs to be a smart phone. Sounds more like dad trying to be the cool parent imho.
If she breaks said phone that's between her and her dad. Her mom has zero dog in the fight.
we have no idea what kind of phone it is. op outright states that they don't have a clue about phones. i have a prepaid smart phone that cost $75. in fact, it was near impossible for me to find *any* phone that wasnt a smart phone
i agree with the sentiment of not giving an 11 year old a brand new iphone 14 or whatever, but there's too little information to jump to that conclusion
Not to mention newer phones having access to social media which kids shouldn't be on. Cause you know predators and stuff....
I think the "cheap phones" would be smart phones as well. We're talking low end Android prices vs iPhone or flagship phone prices
That was a pretty early lesson for me actually my mother told me to keep special toys put up when company came over just in case they got a bug up their ass and wanted to play with it. Can't throw a tantrum over something you don't know exists.
Or, just spit-balling here, he thought the rule was stupid and gave his daughter a phone because he felt it was time she had one and he can make decisions for his daughter.
Mom can call him and say, I'd rather she not have a phone at this age. Can you keep it at your house?
Or mom can limit screen time and not drive a wedge between her and her child. There are so many ways to look at this and come to a compromise.
Rather destroys the point of a mobile phone then really.
Exactly-- listen, my stepsons mom bought him a smartphone without telling us when he was 8yo... which frankly is lunacy. He showed up with it one day. We said okay, but the phone isn't allowed to come to our house (where he is a majority of the time). He can have it as much as he wants at her apt, but we are allowed to have our own house rules-- it couldn't come with him to us *because what does a 2nd grader need with a smartphone*. And his elementary school def didn't allow them to have phones either. (He is allowed to call her anytime he wants while he's with us, there's no communication issues.)
When he turned 10, she asked first and bought him a new smartphone that he can bring with him. (Still way too young for my pref but... compromises).
speaking up and asking for something isn't being a brat.
>being a brat.
Actually it's failing to teach your child that you don't need everything everyone else has. Don't insult the kid when it's the parents that are failing her.
That’s an absolutely horrible take
Different rules at different homes.
Why does Dad have to follow mom's rule?
If mom says no eating after 7 does dad have to follow that rule at his house?
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP YTA, but mainly for how you handled it. Your daughter came home with an expensive phone. Instead of calling dad to talk about it, you just grabbed it from her and said she can't have it. No need for that drama and you hurt your daughter. Instead you should've explained, that while dad may have different rules, your rules still apply at your house. So just either limit her time or tell her to leave phone at dads.
Maybe the dad got her a phone so now she can text or call him any time she likes *with privacy*
honestly with how OP acts in the story, thats my thought as well. if she allows the girl to use her phone to call her dad then shes more than likely standing right there over top of her the entire phone call. and then has something to say about what was talked about during the phone call when its done.
OP can take the phone away while at her house but she can't keep it when the child goes back to her father's house.
Her dad can buy her a gift. You’re punishing her because you’re embarrassed that you can’t provide the same level of tech to your other children.
That’s a you problem.
I think it's more about not wanting an 11-year-old to have full access to the internet
Op has never mentioned that. The only thing they're really mentioned is that they're mad because they said no, which is complete YTA territory
You can easily set parental controls through your service provider. She just thinks 11 and 12 makes some huge difference
The phone itself as well. We use Family Link on Android phones and it sets off times, daily usage limits, blocking websites, permission required to install anything etc.
Why can you make a decision about the kid, but her father can't ?
YTA and a thief. Her father should phone the police and insist on pressing charges.
This is a dumb take. The cops are not life's customer service.
It’s not a dumb take, cell phones are fucking expensive m8.
The cops would laugh him out the door. Custodial parent is allowed to take things off their children.
Wrong. My dad bought me a phone that I then took over payments for and my junkie mom tried her best to take it from me. We ended up in a physical altercation over it and the cops were called. Told her she didn’t buy it, doesn’t pay for it, it’s not her property to take. You can’t just take things that aren’t yours because it belongs to your child.
No it is theft. It’s not purchased for her but the daughter. He can file charges intent to give it back doesn’t matter and given how expensive it is the it could be a felony. Anything over a $1000 is.
I would call the police. File charges with them. They would to arrest her. Then Monday morning I would file an emergency hearing in court over custody.
He can explain to the judge he bought this phone to communicate with his daughter. He could claim parental alienation because op took it from him. Because op is mad at her dad (no matter what she says this is what it looks like) brought daughter a more expensive phone then her siblings have she punished the daughter and stole her device. In the end the judge is going to allow it. The phone can be used for calls to the father but also can be used in case of emergency, or if the daughter goes missing (safety device). Mom looks controlling and emotionally abusive and also looks like she is trying to keep dad from contacting daughter.
In the end mom probably won’t go to jail but get probation for theft could loose custody of daughter, and get community service. Daughter get her phone either way.
But the cops and cps would take this very seriously.
They are not allowed to keep things they didn’t purchase. She has indicated she plans to keep control of the phone for another year. That’s theft. It wouldn’t be laughed at any more than reporting anyone else stole your phone.
So if someone stole something from you worth anywhere between $500-$1k you wouldn't call the cops?
Dad can choose to buy her a phone with his $$. How he spends his $ isnt your business anymore.
Did it occur to you that Dad did this so he can have more cobtact with daughter? They can text and do other stuff.
Why not work with him to put tracking and monitoring/parental controls on that phone to make sure she isnt looking at things she shouldnt and make sure she isnt being bullied by "friends" or groomed by strangers online?
^^^ My father did the same thing. I had visitation with him on weekends. He got me a phone so I can 1) talk to friends but 2) talk to him more.
With my daughters friends the ones with divorced or separated parents normally would get phones earlier than the others. It just made sense for the other parent to be able to contact the child when they were at the others house.
Especially since no one has landlines anymore
You remind me of that lady on Tik tok who was angry cause her baby daddy bought McDonald's for his kid and not her other kids(who are from different baby daddy's) .
I remember seeing that also! But it was the full video on Facebook.
Her dad had EVERY RIGHT to buy her a phone because imagine this: he’s her dad. YTA.
YTA, her father purchased it for her, not you therefore it is not yours to take away until she’s a year older. That’s silly and not something to be “furious” about.
I can see the father as being a slight AH because he didn’t discuss this with you before hand. Perhaps he wanted her to be able to reach him easier, or have the ability to text her or send fun pictures or videos.
Dude, for real. It really bothered me that she told dad "You have no right to buy her a phone"... Like dude, he's her dad... It literally is his right to do that
Then it perhaps should be "this is something you have at your dad's"
Or the dad had actually sat down and talked to OP about he was gonna buy her a phone.
Taking it away completely is not within OP's right no, but I can see how it will seem unfair to the other children if OP just completely cave in. It will open the door that as long as dad buys it OP's house rules doesn't count, and the kid can suddenly march around with stuff the others couldn't, or are straight against the rules in OP's House rules.
It doesn't really matter how the other children feel. They have a different dad and their dad is of a different opinion.
Should dad have talked to OP first? Sure, it would've been the decent thing to do. But that doesn't negate that he has a right to buy her a phone if he wants.
Not only that, but it'd be smart for the kid to have one anyway for emergencies
It tracks that Kim is trying to limit her kids free access to talking to her dad. Clearly the time spent with her isn’t fun if she’s stealing the kids phone and plans to keep it till her birthday. I’d be interested to see a judge speak on if it’s ok for mom to limit a kids means of talking to her dad, means dad provided.
I'd say first of in these modern times I bet there aren't many 11 year olds who would say no to a brand new phone over a older model that can call and text.
Getting access to Internet, face time and what not you can on the newer phones.
Any type of phone could let her communicate with dad.
Its more the fact dad just went "I know mom says 12 years old, but here's a brand new model phone. Go show mom it"
That's not working together either.
Yes dad can just buy it if he wants to. And no OP can't take it.
But it's making unnecessary screw ups in co parenting to undermine the other houses rules without informing first.
ESH. Dad should have talked to you. You should have talked to him. Sounds like y’all need a phone…
Seriously, getting a cellphone for a kid is kind of a big deal. Parents need to set aside their differences and communicate with each other for the benefit of the child.
And I don’t think OP realizes that all of her child’s friends already having a phone is pretty much enough of a reason these days sadly…my cousin didn’t have a phone when all of his friends did, and you know what happened? He got left out, of *everything*. The kids would only make plans via texting, so he wasn’t ever included anymore. He became more and more withdrawn and sad until his mom realized what was happening and relented. Luckily he was able to recover socially, but if it had gone on for longer, who knows. It’s unfortunate that it is this way, but punishing your child because you don’t agree with the way the world is just sucks.
I scrolled way to long for an ESH
Finally someone who sees it the way I do!
Divorced parents are petty and typically act very childish towards each other. They don't communicate and it affects the kid(s) they had together. They don't act like responsible adults when it comes to interacting with each other.
Was there any agreement between you and her father about him not buying her a phone?
YTA and you are making your daughter collateral in your beef with you EX-SO.
Get your shit together/prioritize your daughter/get a co-parenting road map together and communicate with your ex in a healthy way for your child.
ESH ~ ESPECIALLY the people saying that your the AH for taking a phone away from a child. A child that your responsible for and for whom you make the rules and set the boundaries. The second that kid realizes you and your ex aren’t communicating and that they can get the you guys to override each other, your done as effective parents. 110% done. You need to set aside your egos, sit down, and have an adult discussion about this situation and how you’ll handle situations like this moving forward. Together or separated you need your kid to know your a united front and that mommy said no so I’ll ask daddy crap doesn’t play.
YTA. It was a gift form her father. She should be able to keep her phone. You're being extremely controlling and toxic to your daughter. She deserves to keep her possessions, not have one parent steal something just because the other parents got it for her.
Give her back her phone. Don't replace it with a cheap one in a year. Let her use it until it breaks or she loses it. Dont be controlling and toxic to your kids.
YTA you can’t take a gift her dad purchased from her just because you didn’t do that for your kids
YTA for not having a coparenting plan with your daughter's father. A plan would have made this issue unnecessary. Is there any special reason why your daughter shouldn't have the phone, other than that her siblings got a cheap phone, when they were 12?
YTA - he purchased it, and although it is one of those items that coparents should discuss, at the end of the day, it wasn't yours to take.
house rules about what you will buy are one thing, gifts bought by another are a different thing.
YTA... Not for taking the phone while she's at your house: you get to dictate the rules in your house and your rule is no phones until your 12. But you are the asshole for telling your daughters dad that he isn't allowed to buy your daughter a phone. You see: his house, his rules.
Yes, this. YTA OP.
He has no right to buy her a phone?
He's her bloody father, her dad. He has as much right as you to buy her stuff.
Here's a story for you OP. My mom to this day still laments occasionally that she didn't get me a phone earlier because of an incident that happened to my friend and I back in 2010.
My friend went headfirst down a steep bank in our old village because her bike hit a rock. She ended up with a severe concussion that kept her out of school for nearly a month.
Now why is this relevant?
Neither of us had phones. So 9 year old me, as the uninjured party, had to run around trying to find anyone whose phone I could possibly borrow to try and contact either of our families. In the end I had to trespass onto the caravan park and trust absolute strangers to drive my friend and I back to the main village. I couldn't just walk back up the bank to our houses, because it was too far to leave someone who was so disorientated and had a head wound.
We were lucky not to be kidnapped or something.
It is essential that kids have some way of contacting their parents and/or emergency services. Payphones aren't that common of a thing anymore. I've seen maybe two in the uni town I live in at the moment, and I don't think they're operational. If something happens at school, schools can't physically contact every parent right away.
Give her the phone back and re-evaluate your policy.
A kid doesn't need a fancy smart phone. I personally don't think kids should have 24/7 unsupervised access to the internet, which is what a smart phone is. I only got a phone in middle school, and it was a little pre paid flip phone so I could tell my parents if I was getting off at my friend's bus stop.
You do realise there are parental controls, time limits, etc on smartphones right? It doesn't have to be 24/7 unsupervised access.
Plus smartphones have maps, whilst flip phones etc do not. Far too often as a kid/young teenager I was stuck relying solely on intuition to get to places, rather than being able to look it up. Meanwhile my younger brother (who actually get a phone later than I did) can just ask his friend for their address, put it into his phone and off he goes.
Smartphones lower the amount of risks kids have to take, and frankly as someone who grew up without one I'm glad about that. My brothers and their friends likely won't know the sheer panic of not being able to figure out where they are, or not being able to contact someone in a bad situation. That's a GOOD thing.
YTA sorry. This is an issue you need to sort out with her dad, and not punish her for it.
Did you talk about the phone thing with him before this?
NAH, compromise, give her the phone back when she's going to her dad's and take it back when she returns to your care. This allows you your rules and dad can have his rules. Your both her parents, but sadly there are different rules for each household.
This should be the top comment. Everyone is missing that the dad undermined OP's rule. This solution allows the rules of both households to be honored.
Someone's gonna very quickly become the favorite parent
YTA. OP You do NOT have the right to dictate to your ex what he buys for your daughter. Since you either split custody or he has visitation privileges, he does have a say in parenting her. I would recommend giving the phone back to her before this becomes a reason to take you back to family court to force a change in custody/visitation.
ESH. This is a co-parenting decision, and you're both unilaterally making rash choices without considering each other and fucking with your daughter's fragile pre-teen emotions in the process.
If I had a spray bottle I'd spritz you both with it. Bad parents! Bad.
it is not the father's fault that he can afford an expensive phone. However, I do get that other kid may feel jealous but they need to learn that life is unfair. And you only took the phone because you want to be fair to other siblings not because she was rude or had bad grades which are wrong. And by the looks of it, it is good that the father gave her the phone.
YTA - her dad got her a phone.
It’s called CO-Parenting!!!!
You don’t get to make all the decisions. His kid too and you can’t take away her gifts from him.
You literally have taught your daughter that you will steal from her.
You and the childs father should have communicated a plan for something like this, and while i can understand your frustration to an extend, taking the phone away wasn't the way to go.
Do you and him have trouble communicating often? Your daughter might feel different or a bit of an outcast being the only one with a different father. To her this was her father giving her the gift she wanted and she felt special, but she probably feels like you're only doing this because of your dislike for her father.
You could have initially explained to her why you were taking it, but i don't think it wouldve made much difference.
Either way this WILL affect your relationship with her, it just depends how strongly.
(Forgive the wording, and in case anyone was wondering I have been the child in this exact situation.)
YTA, you state in a reply you think he is buying her love, he gave her a communication tool. You don't get to make all of the rules, stop being a terrible parent and work with your baby daddy.
Youre just teaching your daughter it's OK to steal because you don't like the situation.
It's not yours, you didn't buy it. I'm sorry but you are a thief and your ex will have every right to report this.
This situation should have been discussed the moment she asked for a phone, so that you both are on the same page and compromise if need be.
YTA. That’s not your phone to take, the other father bought the phone, and it’s not yours. You can’t just take the phone and say “yeah you’ll get it back in a year” that’s total bullshit and you’re just going to make the child and the other father hate you, congrats. Hope it was worth it.
YTA. I get wanting to be fair and you should totally be fair when it comes to your kids. But her dad has the right to buy her things that she wants. You can’t deny one child just because it’s not fair to the others that will only cause her to resent them
YTA on so many levels. You cant tell him what he can and cant buy, your other kids are not his responsibility. If your wanting her to resent you then your doing a fantastic job. Keep it up and she just might go NC with you when she gets older.
ESH, her dad should have consulted you, daughter was going behind your back, you don’t have to fixate on her having a cheap phone. When she’s 12, she’ll have a phone you don’t have to pay for.
YTA. You can't just take away *her* phone, the phone that you were to cheap to pay for, just out of spite. Times are evolving old lady, its hella normal for an 8 year old to have a phone, let alone an 11 year old.
It should not be normal to have a phone with 8. Still OP the AH
Depends on the kid and the phone and the supervision.
Phones can keep children safe if user correctly
Just because it is normal, you shouldn't give your 8yo child his own phone, that's a recipe to ruining his eyes ( it happened to me)
YTA. Her father is a parent just like you. He doesn't have to worry about your other kids. That is his property.
YTA, she did nothing wrong and her father got it for her, while I agree 11 is a little young for a phone it’s not like you can take away it without any reason. If it’s about not being fair to the other kids, I agree, you should be fair with them, but you can’t ask everyone to bend to your rules because you don’t think it’s fair. Your daughters father has the right to buy his kid a phone and you don’t have the right to take away for no reason other then “It’s unfair to my other kids”.
YTA....why is it that most of the time people post on here asking if they're the asshole, when the story shows them to be an asshole, they wanna argue that they're not. What happens in the future if the dad wants to take his daughter to Disney or something, she can't go because your other kids can't go? He has as much of a right to provide for his daughter as you, it's your fault if you can't afford a fancy fun she shouldn't be punished for having a different dad.
YTA you aren’t her sole parent, and don’t get to exclusively decide that, and you definitely don’t get to take it from her. I hope her father gets the law involved.
YTA. Gift from dad, not for you to tamper with. Either way 11 makes her what a 6th 7th grader? I bet most of the kids in her classes have some sort of smart phone. What’s one year to you
The genie has left the bottle OP. You and Ex failed to communicate and co-parent & now you've taken property that doesn't belong to you to prove a point. She already has the phone. You can ask Dad to take it back until she's twelve but that's only going to 1)Make her Dad, who's likely already the "fun" parent, look like a saint to her (He's an AH too in this scenario) 2)Make your daughter resent you and 3)Stress you further because now you're fighting with Ex AND your daughter both over a phone when there's less than a year to go until 12.
Choose your battles more wisely in the war to raise a decent, kind, humble and, well rounded human being. As what sounds like the youngest sibling, you're going to have many more instances where circumstances differ significantly enough that you can't parent her EXACTLY as you did your older children. You also have a different person to parent with than you do for the others.
Speak with Ex and, if possible create ground rules about the phone based on your child's level of maturity & responsibility that will apply to BOTH households. Ask him to speak with her about why it is not acceptable to try to use him to skirt the rules at your house and express that this situation has caused you both to lose trust in her. Speak with your daughter calmly and explain why you're hurt by her circumventing your rules and how this can never happen again. Explain how following these ground rules will help you both regain some of that trust. There's nothing wrong with an appropriate punishment for the deception.
A very tentative YTA
I don’t know your situation, but you say he has no right. Why not? Why do you have the right to decide? Like do you have agreements on this kind of thing?
I think he should have talked to you about it. I think it’s odd for a parent to give a kid such a big gift without checking with the other parent.
That you’re other children live by certain rules doesn’t mean this one automatically shares those rules. She has a different father. The parenting your other kids get is agreed on by you and their father. The daughter this post is about has different rules, negotiated by you and her father.
I don’t think you were a big asshole. More…it seems weird that you say he has no right, as if you do, anymore than he. But again, I don’t know your situation. And no offense meant.
Yta that phone was a gift from her dad and taking it away with only cause issues between you your daughter and her dad so what the rest of your kids got a phone at 12 shes not like the rest of your kids yes her dad should have talked with you about the phone beforehand but whats done is done don’t punish her for her dad’s actions instead sot down and have a conversation with both of them about the phone and while she’s at home with you maybe you can limit her screen time
YTA. Each of your kids who have different dads are going to have different life experiences and things are never going to be 100% equal. Rather than punish a child when their dad does something special for them, help your kids understand that it’s okay to be happy for each other when good things happen to another of them.
YTA, though there seems to be far more to the story.
YTA wow what an ass hole you are its not your phone but hers and her dad bought it. so thats theft if you take it from her
Would it be ok for him to take a phone from your daughter that you gave her if he didn’t agree about 12 being an ok age? YTA, you should have talked it out as adults and figured out a solution instead of punishing your daughter.
This is something you and your husband should have discussed, both suck for thinking you can overrule the other and sticking your daughter in the middle.
Bio-father to the daughter, they aren't together.
ESH. Apart from your daughter. You and her father need to communicate better, so he sucks for that. But you suck for taking it away from her because she cant understand why she cant have it if 1. All her friends have one and 2. Her dad bought her one.
>You and her father need to communicate better
OP's whole crusade here is on taking away communication tools. Think the dad might just have tried communicating with her over the years and finally learned better?
OP is N T A for wanting her children to be older and possibly more mature before they get a phone. Constant access to social media can open a child up to serious mental health issues later on. However, OP, YTA for taking away property that doesn’t belong to you
You should sit down and talk to your daughter and her father about why you want your daughter to wait to get a phone. If the father is not in agreement, you can give the phone to him to be kept at his home. However, you shouldn’t just take it away and keep it from the father.
YTA. This is her father. HIS giving his child a phone has literally no bearing on your other children and their rules. Why do you think it's okay to just take the phone given to her?
YTA. This is a coparenting issue. I understand that coparenting can be complex (I’m a mom/bonus mom with a complicated ex and H has a narcissistic ex). My bonus daughter has a phone at 10. So we just have rules about that phone that work in our house. Common sense rules. No phone upstairs in her room, no social media, no phone in rooms at bed time, Dad can look at phone, Bark app etc. my boys (11, 8, 6) do not have phones, but are able to understand when they do get one, they will have similar rules. But just taking it away from her would have never worked, and honestly would have been what her mom was after (alienation). Don’t do that. Have boundaries, but arbitrarily taking a phone away because you’re admittedly clueless about technology will only damage your relationship with your daughter.
Yta. We had a similar situation where bio mum insisted on letting SS (10 at the time) have a phone that could access the Internet.
We said no.
Mum said yes.
Kid kept his phone at mums place when he was with us.
You don't get to throw down unilateral rules when youre co parenting. As much as it sucks sometimes you just can't disregard dad entirely.
Apologise to your kid and find a compromise.
YTA - it wasn’t yours to take. You didn’t buy it, and it wasn’t a gift to you. That’s called theft. And the father is equal to you in terms of parental authority, not less.
YTA, that’s her phone, that he gave her, you have no legal right to take it away. And PS, all you’re doing right now is creating resentment in her. If you continue along this path and she goes no contact with you after she’s older, don’t be surprised
YTA. Instead of going for the root of the issue, i.e. your and her father's inability to agree on the common rules to raise her, you are punishing the daughter for successfully finding a loophole in the rules. If you keep doing that, she'll just keep running to daddy, at some point perhaps permanently. Her father does indeed have every right to buy his own daughter a phone that he wants her to have, if you haven't communicated and reached a compromise about the phones with him, it's not your daughter's fault. Return the phone, call the father and ask if you can all sit down and find a reasonable compromise about gifts.
Yta and a thief
YTA. Her Dad could report that phone stolen. HE bought it. He also has a say in decisions too. Either limit her use of the phone at your house AND let her take it to her dad's where he can dictate the rules at his house, or give it back to him for her to use while there. Either way you both suck and she's stuck in the middle with both of your toxic bs. Poor kid. She may have lost some trust in both of you, that's unfortunate.
So her dad bought her some you couldn't afford - good for him -
If he buys her a coat that is nicer than her siblings do you take that too? What about toys at Christmas - does she get more things because she also gets things from her dad? Would you take those away?
Co-parenting is difficult. But you didn't give that present and have no right to take it away. At best you can restrict her usage of it to things only related to her father. But it's wise for kids who split time between homes to have a communicator so they can reach out to the other parent. You're an AH for trying to set your rules on other people's reasonable gifts. There can be boundaries, but not confiscation.
YTA he has every right as her FATHER! He doesn’t have to abide by your rules. He gets to make decisions for his daughter. It also makes it easier to stay in contact. You have to learn to co-parent better.
Both you and your daughter’s dad are a-holes.
He should have talked to you, but you should be able to deal with talking to your daughter and other children about how different homes have different rules. Your daughter could “turn in her phone” when she’s at your house until she’s 12, but if she had a more expensive phone than the others, so be it. If it were just you in charge of her, then life could work the way you want it to, but it isn’t so you need to make concessions, and do some of the slightly tougher parenting.
YTA you didn’t consult him either. You just made the decision. I don’t get why moms think they make all the decisions. Like they don’t need permission either…
Can OP say this is something like her daughter has to keep her father’s house, and not allowed in OP’s? I disagree for how she handled the issue, but what happens when two parents who are not together disagree on how to raise their child?
yta just cause you have that rule doesnt mean the father has to comply. also you stole that phone from the child thats not a good look. just give the phone back before its legal trouble your in.
NTA - he can buy her all the phones he wants. Doesn’t mean you have to allow it in the house on your time. You can put it in a draw and only return it when she visits dad. Your house your rules.
Your daughter was manipulative in playing the parents against each other as she knew your house rule. It is going to be the same when she turns 16 and wants a car.
The thing is OP doesn’t plan on giving back the phone when her daughter goes to her dads house.
She plans on giving it back when she’s twelve.
YTA - Her Dad purchased it and you have no right to it at all. You need to give it back to her and apologize. There's a reason parents are usually dumped at Retirement Homes you know?
It's not fair on your other kids, but that's how it is.
Give her the phone back.
Talk to your ex like an adult in future and co parent properly instead of reacting to his actions.
I understand your frustration .. to a point .. however this isn’t on your kid so why should they be punished by you taking the phone away ? You and the child’s father need to communicate properly and co parent better so things like this don’t pop up again the future . Give the phone back it was never yours to take . YTA
INFO: Did you dicuss this with the dad _at all_?
YTA. Why do you get to make all the decisions? She is his daughter too. Besides, he has a vested interest in being able to easily keep in touch. You can make guidelines about the phone but have no business taking it away entirely. You would be really unhappy if you had gotten her one next year and he took it away from her.
YTA and you stole your ex's property. You don't get to keep that while she's with him.
Yta and so is her dad.
Yta because you took something that isn't yours and you didn't pay for.
Your ex is an a because he didn't consult you.
Your daughter is a victim in this from both of you.
ESH (except your daughter, obviously). A first phone is a decision that both parents should discuss. Her dad did this without consulting with you, which is an AH move. Taking the phone away, however, is also an AH move. Don’t punish your daughter for a shitty decision her father made.
YTA. You just stole her fathers property.
YTA. I don't know what your custody agreement is, but if you don't want her to use her phone in your house that's fine, but you don't get to take it away completely. You should either arrange to have your daughter leave it at her dad's house or ensure it's put away while she's with you and given back when she leaves. If she doesn't ever stay with her dad you could discuss giving the phone back to him. Your other children are your responsibility, it's not his job to keep things fair for them.
YTA because uh, actually yeah, he does have the right to buy her that, or just about any other thing she might want that won’t harm her or someone else. If the court had mandated he couldn’t give her gifts, I find it highly unlikely that they’d grant him a visitation with her at his house alone. You sound like you’re jealous, honestly. You want to make her wait and give her a cheap brick phone, even though her father is quite capable of, and already has, given her a perfectly good phone. She’s already the odd one out of her siblings and now you steal a gift her father gave her???? Nope. Not here for it.
You’ve got no right to take away her property. He has just as much right to buy her a phone as you do, and he doesn’t have to oblige you by making sure she has a cheap phone.
YTA. A father gave a phone to his daughter. This has nothing to do with your other children.
Yta, you don't get to control what dad buys her. As for being fair for your other kids, life isn't fair and your daughter shouldn't be expected to not get nice things from her dad because you don't want them to feel some type of way.
YTA. Her dad *should* have talked to you first about it, but you are definitely the asshole here.
You need to get over the "one size fits all" mentality with parenting.
ESH you are right an 11 year old does not need an expensive phone and it is crazy everyone here seems to think an 11 year is entitled to one.
Even so if this was important to you, you should have discussed it with her dad.
Maybe a compromise of keeping the phone at her dad's house.
This is the classic kid play of mom saying no and getting dad to say yes.
You're the 'ah' for not talking to dad about the phone. The kid is an 'ah' knowing mom said no so went to dad to get him to buy the phone. Dad is an 'ah' for not talking to you about it.
And seriously all the people voting you an Ah, going on about life's not fair, your other kids will need to suck it up and the slut shaming 'of you shouldn't have had a kid with a different man if you wanted your kids to be treated the same' are hypocrites. Day after day we see posts 'my dad won't buy boyfriend an $100k car am I the AH?', my mom won't fund my wedding, my husband won't buy me this, my girlfriend won't hand over 2.5k for rent even though I persuaded her to move in, etc. Who all get called out for their entitlement and are voted down as AH. How the hell do you think these people become so entitled? Because no one bothered to say no to them and then they boohooed until someone else caved and gave them whatever they wanted, that's how.
How many of you saying Y T A are old ebough to have kids? Sheesh.
Dad is TA here fir shamelessly and wilfully buying in to the "ask mon, ask dad" trap knowing it would cause issues, tryibg to undermine OP.
I think "phone stays at dad's house" is a fair boundary that respects both parents, and we'll see how dad likes her being holed up in her room on Reddit all the time 😁
YTA for taking it out on a literal child instead of acting like an adult and speaking to her biological father about it especially when it’s obvious that your beef is with him and not her.
Way to co-parent.
YTA her dad bought it for her. you stole it. you seem bitter.
YTA , unless you had an agreement with your ex on such parenting rules, you have no right to take the phone that you didn't buy from your daughter. Your only recourse is to say she can use phone at father's house only.
YTA. He’s her parent too
Yta and a massive one. Life isn't fair.
YTA. The kid has two parents. Like my kids going to go without because my exs rules with her other kids.
Yta op. I am picking up that you seem to be more concerned about it being a “expensive phone” than anything else and are missing how your actions are impacting your daughter. I get wanting to keep your daughter safe and secure (the internet is scary), but this is not the way and will not teach her the skills to manage online safely. Please apologize to your daughter and ex for your behaviour as this type of authoritarian parenting creates resentment from children.
It’s his phone that he lets her use. In this case, it’s not your device to take. I can understand taking it at bed time to ensure she sleeps, sure. But outright stealing it from him/her - no. In theory, he can report it as stolen. Give it back and get off your high horse. YTA.
As a co parent you don't get to unilaterally decide she isn't allowed a phone or the standard of phone she is allowed to have.
At most you get to decide the rules for your house and could have said the phone has to remain at her father's house.
If it then turns out she is only at his house two weekends a month or less, you basically get exactly what you wanted regarding her not having a phone.
If she is at her dads house 50% of the time, well the you are an even bigger A.
Unless you have FULL custody, you are an AH and can not make that decission unilateraly.
Having checked your comments and seen that the dad knew about your policy I'm going to say ESH except the kids.
You and your ex failed to coparent effectively. He started it by going over your head and buying the phone instead of talking to you about it if he disagreed.
You then stole your daughter's present from her. That's not fair. She’s 11 and her parents don't live together she's going to try and play you off each other and its on you and your ex to handle that. But its unfair for you to say she has to accept less than is offered to her because her siblings dad/dads don't offer them the same.
YTA. You've effectively just stolen your ex's phone. And for what reason? Because the two of you didn't communicate on when your daughter should get a phone?
YTA. If I bought something for my daughter, and my ex took it from her, I'm pretty sure we'd be going back to court about it.
YTA your child has a different father. You don't get to dictate when she has a phone unilaterally. You didn't buy it you don't have a right to take it away. It will look like you are keeping your child away from effectively communicating with her father which he can take you to court for. Do better... and give the phone back.
YTA I didn’t let my eldest get a phone until she was 16 and could get a job and pay for it herself. My ex husband did the same with our middle daughter. At the time neither of us was in a good place financially to afford to pay for their phones. Now when our youngest was 13 she came home from a weekend at her dad’s with a new phone. Instead of waiting until she was 16, he went ahead and got her a phone. Even though we’re divorced, I didn’t take the phone away from her and let her keep it. That was his right as her father and we both realized after a month just how important it was for her to have a phone. If she had to stay after school to talk to a teacher, missed her bus, there was an emergency, and several other incidents, she was able to call us and let us know. Because of that I wish I had gotten my other two a phone when they were younger as well. It’s nearly impossible to find a pay phone and they could have really used the phone at a younger age as well.
What do you call someone who takes property that isn’t theirs? Oh yeah, a thief and an AH.
YTA. With that said I fully understand where you are coming from and the reason, however you stole from her, and item that you did not purchase. If her father wanted to he could call the police in order to get you to return it to her. At this point you would have to turn it into a court thing to take it from her. It’s not yours and you can’t take it from her. It could be viewed as keeping her from her father by withholding a means of communication that he paid for. Give it back and try to talk with him instead of yelling to come up with a plan.
ESH. You and her dad should have communicated with each other so that he understood what your rules are, and you could come up with a *compromise.*
You don't own that phone, her dad does. What you should do is tell her she can't have the phone at your house, but she will get it back when she goes to her dad's. If you don't give the phone back to her dad, he could accuse you of theft.
YTA just for posting “I was furious”. You were furious cause your daughter had a phone? What are you like 5 years old and jealous?
Yeah I little bit, 12 year olds deserve to have the ability to talk to their friends, taking away that form of communication can cause mental distress
YTA. Learn to coexist with the other parent.
YTA: You didn't talk to the dad at all about your decision on phones + you also took it because it's better than your other kids phone??? Your ex can press charges for this, give the phone back.
Her father is allowed to provide for her. You going to make her refuse college tuition from dad because you can’t provide it for the others? Life isn’t fair and if the other kids are over 12, they know this. It’s not like she is 6, at most she is a few months from 12. You tell the other kids that you would not have gotten her one until 12, but her other parent had input. You are setting yourself up for her choosing to live with her dad.
YTA, you don’t pay for it, you don’t get to take it