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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Legion1117

Wait, wait, wait.....he told YOU that YOU need to get YOUR priorities in order when HE left HIS CHILDREN UNFED to attend a PARTY????? Why did you marry this "man?" SOooooo much NTA Edit - Wow. I logged back in this evening and discovered more than 30,000 people agree with me. Thanks for the awards, fellow redditors. Y'all rock!


so_over_it_all_

Likely because abusive AHs do not tend to show their true selves until after marriage.


IgnotusPeverill

NTA OP - This is exactly why he has none of the moms in the picture. His behavior is abusive. I wonder if he married OP just to get someone to take care of the kids and bring home a solid paycheck. I can't believe someone would manipulate both his kids and his wife at the same time by not feeding them. Sounds crazy to me.


x3meech

And then to get mad bc she did feed them just not how he wanted them to be fed.


PittieLover1

Right?! **He literally wanted to force her to cook for them**, even though she was working. OP can leave this abusive relationship, poor kids are stuck with this guy. Makes me wonder how he ended up with custody. Making up a story in my head that he was so awful that both women gave up their children rather than have to ever deal with him again and/or they were threatened. The abuse here has only begun for OP if she doesn't leave.


x3meech

I feel so bad for his kids. He said they left due to finance issues, probably that he has no finances and they were paying for everything, just like OP is doing. I do wonder what happened that made them leave their kids though bc that sucks for them especially considering the parent they were left with. OP should start getting her ducks in a row so she can leave him.


speakeasy12345

I wouldn't be surprised if the "financial reasons" the mothers left is because they were sick of paying for everything for a man who only works a few days a week. I also wonder if the reason they left the kids with dad is that they knew they wouldn't be able to afford to care of them while working, etc and knew they would get no help from dad, even if the court ordered child support. Not a decision I would be able to make, as I'd rather be homeless with my kids than let them live with their useless dad.


WingedShadow83

I’d definitely be trying to reach out to the baby mamas and hear their side of things.


AnniaT

I'm also curious to how he got custody barely working. Or maybe he had a job at the time but left it and now is living at the expense of the OP and hoping to turn her not only into his cash cow but also his bangmaid and free nanny.


Easy-Concentrate2636

Yup. In the husband’s eyes, she’s just like the warehouse workers - there to pick up his slack. He’s an entitled baby. Op, NTA. But is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with? He has zero respect for you as a working woman and just thinks of you as a free nanny.


alady12

OP nothing you ever do for this man is going to be enough. Let me give you a glimpse of your future. You wfh all day, maybe rearrange your schedule so you can take better care of the step kids. Cook, feed, teach the kids table manners. He will complain that the house is a mess. You are home all day why is this place a mess? So you spend every free minute cleaning. Don't you love your step kids, their teacher says their homework is suffering. So you try to fit that in. All the while he is going out with his buddy because you don't have time for him. Besides you are a mess to look at, you used to take care of yourself. OP run for your life and don't look back. Also protect your birth control because I don't trust this man. Edit: Thanks for the awards.


Difficult_Plastic852

Exactly this - he isn’t looking for a wife or even a reliable step mom, he wants a live in maid period.


seeingredagain

This is unfortunately so very true.


Not-a-Kitten

I mean, she knew he had two kids w two mamas, never married to either. So this AH was obvious from the start. Run, OP, you’ve made a terrible mistake w this marriage. Edit: spelling typos w no glasses on. Agreed, OP is NTA. But she needs to GTFO. Edit: ok he was married to one woman. My opinion does not change. OP deserves better.


Modelminority115

He likely told OP that they were "crazy" and completely assassinated their character. It's never the abuser's fault.


MermaidSprite

Can confirm.


bilboswaggins0011

Can also confirm, and am pretty ashamed to admit that I fell for it not once, but twice (in my defense I was very young- 21 and then 24 and they were both older already divorced men) 🥲 I learned my lesson and now have the most amazing partner in the universe, but not until I already had two divorces, three little ones, and some therapy under my belt. It just happens, unfortunately.


MeijiDoom

> Why did you marry this "man?" This question needs to get asked far too often on this subreddit. I don't understand it. Like I get people can be manipulative and hide nasty character flaws but the amount of times people get married to someone when they clearly have massively conflicting ideas of how to work as a team is staggering.


Commercial_Yellow344

I had that conversation with my ex long before I married him. I confirmed that same line of thinking before the wedding. He showed me he was willing to before the wedding. He did the opposite after the wedding. It really happens a lot


Modelminority115

My ex went from someone I literally said I wanted to be more like to someone that made me sleep with a gun next to my bed locked up with my dogs. He moved me in knowing I barely got my rental so I had nowhere to go when he showed his true colors. It's called love bombing. And that's how and why we marry monsters. We aren't stupid or blind. They find us and prey on us.


Commercial_Yellow344

Yes they are. And they know or think they know when we are trapped forever. I worked with a woman that had to leave in the middle of the night, leave her kids behind, walk to the closest town to call a friend, then go to the local sheriff to file charges and get a restraining order before she could get her kids. She was much stronger than me. I could have never gotten myself out the door without my kids. And it was either that or die herself!


EchoWillowing

I'm sorry that your ex went to such extent of hypocrisy and manipulation. In my case, I knew the disagreements. I knew we were opposite on so many aspects. In my case, it was the "love will prevail" and "meh, it won't be so serious". Wrong on both counts, but I know only because the rosy colored specs have fallen off. Love blindness is a real thing.


crockofpot

NTA but uhhhhh.... you have bigger issues in your marriage than takeout. You married someone who does not respect your work or your time, is willing to let his kids go hungry in order to force your hand, and is now using emotional blackmail to punish you. This is a fundamentally broken approach to relationships and it's honestly not hard to see why he doesn't have relationships with either of his kids' mothers.


Alisaurusrex82

Betting his main reason for marrying OP is to give his kids a mother.


Grouchy-Werewolf8281

That and she is the breadwinner.


kjlo78

With the additional info that the other moms left him for "financial reasons"...makes you think.


Grouchy-Werewolf8281

Makes me think they were tired of supporting him.


NewAgeRetroHippie96

See that's all well and good but from the sound of it they still have stepped out on their children. Like, sure maybe they left OP's husband because he sucks. But then why is he still the one raising his kids and not them? He's not all bad from this info.


Hungry-Grade4446

Yeah. I don't get that either. If those were my kids, and their dad was like that, there is no way I would let him have full custody


mmwhatchasaiyan

I wonder if he manipulated the court into thinking the moms were “crazy” or “unfit”. Narcissists are very convincing and can be extremely cut throat. He sounds abusive to his partners and manipulative with his kids. He may have also convinced the kids at some point that he’s “the fun dad” or guilted them into saying they would prefer to live with him. He likely made visitation with the kids a nightmare for the moms and eventually pushed them out entirely.


HarpersGhost

But with absolutely no respect for how she wins the bread. He's in the delusion where he thinks OP can slack off to cater to *his* needs yet that nice paycheck will still keep coming. Careers don't work that way.... not that he'd know that.


The_Boots_of_Truth

Babysitter and meal ticket all in one. He's doing well.


swagtactical21

when she was typing "has 2 other kids from uninvolved mothers" she litteraly told herself where the problem lies. that shit does happens for a reason and you are number 3, and he might even try to dump the other 2 on your ass when he leaves again.


Beeb294

Sounds like he wants OP to be a bangmaid instead of a partner.


Darwina1226

Bail. Out. Now. This man does not respect your needs, feelings, or boundaries. This relationship will consume you to the point where you no longer have a sense of self. Everything will be about his and the kids' needs. 1. He attempted to manipulate you into doing exactly what he wanted. 2. He got angry at you when his manipulation failed. 3. He's now gaslighting you into believing you're the bad guy for not falling for his manipulation. 4. He's now using the silent treatment to make you see things his way. This will only get worse. Save yourself and leave. File for divorce and move on to a happier existence. Sorry. ETA: NTA Edit 2: Thanks for all the awards. Didn't expect it, but it's truly appreciated!


Caspian4136

Yep, one red flag after another with this guy. She needs to get out.


jperezny

He is a LOSER. Get out. He works two generic shifts a week and couldn't even make a dinner during the day that could have been heated up for the kids at 7 PM!?! There's a reason why the two mom's aren't around besides financial reasons... you should look into that.


Emotional-Ebb8321

INFO: Aside from stepkids and audacity, what does he bring to the table?


Server_Administrator

Not dinner obviously. Edit: More upvotes than the original comment. Most upvoted comment on something snarky I said.


Thermite1985

I am deceased from this comment.


Soxwin91

Well I said in another comment OP might want to consider researching divorce attorneys but after reading this comment, I think a coroner might be more appropriate.


luvduvbunny

NTA Why are you with this guy? He had two failed relationships. I think i can see why his past relationships have failed. He probably is with you just so HIS kids can have a step-mother. He doesn’t see your work as work, so he thinks you can easily drop everything for the family. Why can’t he grab a pot and pan to cook food? Cooking doesn’t take 2 hours, so he easily could’ve made something or meal prepped in the time he was arguing with you. Or maybe instead of going to his party, he could’ve stayed home to make sure HIS kids are fed. I don’t see where he thinks he’s right in all of this.


YukariYakum0

> I don’t see where he thinks he’s right in all of this. It's very simple. He is the man, she is the woman, and when he says make sandwiches she needs to drop everything and do it. Edit: 😉


luvduvbunny

And the OP edited her post to say that she works much more than him since he works a couple days a week. So he has plenty of time to meal prep if he’s so worried about his kids having fast food


YukariYakum0

Yes I saw that. Its not that he's worried about food or lacks the time to do it himself. Its that the natural order of things is that he rules and she obeys. Edit: 😉


calling_water

INFO: Which of you changed your behaviour after you got married? Or was this already the situation and you got married anyway?


inkabobo

Very good questions.


TheMightyBluzah

NTA Do not get pregnant to this man.


mlmarte

Or he will end up with three kids with “uninvolved mothers”, and then he’ll be on the hunt for a fourth wife to raise them. This guy sure does know how to pick ‘em! Poor kids.


EconomyEntrepreneur9

I feel sorry for the kids if the mothers are truly uninvolved. But imagine how terrible this guy must be for them to just leave their kids with him, knowing how much of a bad person he is just to get away from him. OPs post really only scratches the surface I bet.


luisanaNathaly01

Having 2 uninvolved baby mothers is SO WEIRD. Also OP doesn't seem to believe too much his excuses


metalmorian

I'm sorry, but I fully agree it's SUPER weird. Especially since he treats the kids like crap. How did he get sole custody of 2 children he refuses to care for?


starryjuju

My guess is he tried to baby trap both exes, and they noped out anyways.


JCBashBash

Seriously, don't even let him touch you anymore, just go for the divorce and don't do any shenanigans in between otherwise you'll never be rid of him and he'll be dumping his kids off on you forever


Breakingupwithfatty

This after 6 months marriage? No wonder he has 2 ex's and saying "you don't care about your stepchildren" He's slotting you into a role that works best in his life, which is watching his kids while he does his own thing, then trying to gult you into submission. imagine what the next 6 months have in store.


veni_vidi_dixi

This is really telling. Most couples are still in the honeymoon stage 6 months after the wedding. This guy is acting like he can finally stop playing nice and dump everything on her shoulders. I can only imagine how he will act after a year…


Glittering-Review-36

NTA. There’s many red flags here 🚩🚩🚩 🚩 He is leaving it up to you to look after his children 🚩 🚩 He is going out without you, leaving you to look after the kids 🚩 🚩 He said he was going to cook dinner for them and then didn’t 🚩 🚩 He doesn’t respect that you WFH 🚩 🚩 He gaslights you 🚩 🚩 He isn’t working with you to raise his children 🚩 🚩He used his kids to communicate with you 🚩 🚩 You have only been married a short time 🚩 Just way too many red flags. And here I am concerned that my stepdaughters are being brats at the moment. However I have the full support of my partner


activelyresting

He's a complete home cooked marinara meal


Bulldog1836

NTA. He married you to be his maid.


Realistic-Animator-3

And childcare. Guess we know why the kids moms vanished… he’s horrible


YukariYakum0

And probably the breadwinner. 2 days a week at a warehouse doesn't sound lucrative. Heck. That at least would give him time to be a SAHD but he still expects her to do chores just because she's WFH.


Fianna9

NTA. Your husband seems to have married you to get a “mother” to take care of his children for him. While you are a step parent and need to be involved in kids living in your home, your husband needs to understand that WFH is just as real as an office job. He should not be manipulating you and his kids like this. Though- what are your work hours? Have you divided up chores and jobs to accommodate them?


AhoraMeLoVenisADecir

NTA I can't believe these men still exist...I mean, I believe it but how do they still trick women in order to slowly become their maids (aka "ideal mothers")? I understand why those 2 mothers escape, I hope he will not get you pregnant too.


LtDan281

No kidding. The “two different (uninvolved) mothers” made a lot more sense by the end of the read.


Veilchengerd

NTA. You might want to order out for a divorce lawyer, though.


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user_ERK

You know, it's never too late for a divorce. NTA.


MikrokosmicUnicorn

or too early...


TheSortingHate

Honestly with less than a year into it you could also probably claim an annulment


Key-Bit1208

NTA You were working and your husband prioritised a party over taking care of his children…he’s the one acting selfish and childish. He also thought that it was ok to directly lie to you and then deliberately push his responsibilities onto you during work hours while he was out partying. That’s a level of disrespect that needs to addressed ASAP. Bottom line: he who acts like a disrespectful AH to his wife and kids has no right to complain about how you deal with the situation that he dumped on you. If he didn’t want them to eat takeout, then HE should have done HIS job as a parent.


Justtakeit1776

Well I think we can figure out why the mom’s of these children aren’t involved. I can tell you from this point it’s going to get a lot worse. Honestly, I would immediately file for divorce before he tries to take all your assets. He only values you for what you can do for him. I’m sorry but this isn’t a relationship.


Chelular07

NTA Get a divorce. I don’t usually say that but just from this I would say he is selfish, manipulative, controlling, and expects you to prioritize his children when *he doesn’t even prioritize his children*.


SDstartingOut

NTA. HE had his priorities messed up; not to mention, he lied to you. You were working. He went to a party... Honestly, who even attends an engagement dinner without their spouse? That just seems odd. It is probably time to reconsider your relationship.


Zahrad70

NTA I’m asking myself if he married you, or just tried to arrange for cheap sex, maid service, snd babysitting. Maybe you should be asking that, too.


veni_vidi_dixi

NTA but open your eyes. You’ve been married 6 months. Your husband is finally dropping the mask and showing you who he is. It doesn’t get better.


NtlDerpFoundation

It sounds like he was very eager to slip a Ring on your finger to dump his kids on you. You have been played. NTA but you either get with it or you leave. Hubby sounds like he only cares about what you can provide for him.


StapletonB

NTA, he’s saying you need your priorities straight? You were working, earning money so you can put food on the table. He was just going to an engagement dinner, what’s his excuse? Of course it will be a moot point to argue this with your husband he’ll just spew bullshit and probably DARVO. OP if I were you I would put my foot down and say to husband we’re over if you ever try this bullshit again. Just because you wfh you are not your husbands errand boy.


Simplysydney06

Nta. First, he lied. He should have just cooked for HIS children or let you order take out, if he is going to be so particular he shouldn’t ask for help. You can either ask someone for help or do things exactly the way you want things done. Not both.


PacifistWarFreak

NTA. Your husband was being manipulative, plain and simple, when he made his kids go to you at that time in order to try to force you to cook for them (as he desired). He also clearly has no respect for your work/time. Don't fall for his gaslighting or his tantrum. And if he persists with that behavior, then consider dumping him. Giving into him will only encourage him to demand more and abuse you.


Potential-Educator-6

So, how many years are you willing to put up with this blatant disrespect for your time and person? How much worse are you willing to endure? Because it will get worse. You are NTA, but girl, this is ridiculous.


RaspberryTechnical90

NTA. Why is it so absurd that you prioritize work, but perfectly fine for him to prioritize going to a party dinner? I’m not even touching on the fact that he lied to you and tricked you. You can love and care for a kid perfectly fine while still having your own life. I love my niece dearly, I would die for her…But if I have work to do, she’s getting take out every once in a while. And she will be fine.


Hot_Success_7986

Odd how he cared about going to a party more than feeding and caring for his own children! NTA


Status-Thing-118

NTA. Do you have a place you can go to during working hours? He doesn't believe you when you say you're working, so I'd keep myself out of reach. He left you to take care of the kids.


Quirky_Number4460

Be careful with this man. He wants someone to raise his kids for him. And he doesn’t care about honoring his partner—you are a means to an end. The person he uses to keep him free of all responsibility. This could be out of pocket, but… Two uninvolved mothers? I get the suspicion that this man tampers with birth control when he gets wind that someone is thinking of leaving him. Be careful and maybe see about an IUD (privately). If you are thinking of leaving this man (which I’d recommend) get everything together secretly first. So you can leave right after you tell him. NTA.


Trouble_in_Mind

NTA because he straight up lied and manipulated you. Though the title worries me. They may not call you mom, but those are YOUR kids now, too. You're a stepmom. Congrats on your wedding and all, but this "Those aren't my kids!" attitude really is not gonna fly at a certain point with them living with you full time. You married him - you signed up for the commitment of being a stepmother to two children. Those are your kids now.


LtDan281

NTA Your husband’s lack of respect for your job simply because you’re working from home is a red flag for me. That’s not how you treat someone that you care about. I somehow doubt the engagement dinner he attended sprang up at the last minute. If he was that worried about what they were going to eat, I’m sure he could have made the time to do it himself before leaving. You did what was necessary to keep the world from burning, from a lit match that he threw at you.


InflationSensation13

NTA He didn't want a wife, he wanted a replacement mummy for his kids. This is not going to end well.


Elfich47

NTA - are you the unpaid nanny?


ProgrammerBig6254

The bangmaid for sure. NTA OP, but please see the sea of marinara flags in front of you because this will only get worse from here.


DubiousPeoplePleaser

So he starved his kids and somehow that’s your fault? Please tell me you have a prenup and an easy way out of this. NTA


hannah_liz

NTA in response to your actual question about ordering takeout but…. Damn. Those poor kids. In general I would say E S H. Your husband is the AH for lying and trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants with no respect for your boundaries and work. You’re N T A for not preparing a home cooked meal when you made it very clear that you were unable to do so. But did you two never talk about how this whole parenting thing was going to work before you got married? Is your plan to just let him deal with “his kids” until they move out in 8 to 10 years? Your “god forbid” comment gets me, you SHOULD care more about your step children than your job. That doesn’t mean sacrificing your work at every drop of the hat, but Y T A if you married a man with young kids with no intention of caring about/for those kids. Your husband sounds like a terrible partner, and it sounds like you don’t want to be a mom. Get some family counseling if you really want this to work, but you may have seriously incompatible ideas of how life and marriage together should work.


Altruistic-Lime-9564

NTA. You were kind to order food for the kids. Instead of thanking you he erupted because he wasn't able to manipulate and bully you into doing his job. He needs to get his priorities in order and take care of his kids instead of going to parties.


Launchen

It's not about you cooking for them. It's about him lying to you, trying to force you to do something, playing your kids against you and not respecting your work. You working from home DOES NOT MEAN that you can do whatever you want. If you were working in an office he wouldn't have left them home alone. He does not respect you! NTA And just for the record: They wont die from take out! (He calling every take out "fast food" is a whole other story.


Ariesinnc3017

NTA. I hate to say it but he seems to think he married a nanny. Don’t expect that to change either. it appears you have explained that you are working and can’t just randomly adjust your work for the children. He has ignored this and is pushing for you to compromise when he won’t. Maybe you can shake things up a bit with him, by either hiring a sitter for times that he typically needs help (dinner time?), or don’t work from (maybe go into the office a few days a week, or go work in a cafe). But his sulking and manipulative behavior is alarming and you need to decide if he’s the partner you really want.


gurlwithdragontat2

NTA, obviously. I do wonder, and if this is invasive don’t answer: what keeps you with him? This is a microscopic moment in the grand sense of you relationship, however from this one situation, I can see 3-5 moments of pure disrespect and disregard for you. Also, with the children, did you agree to be the other primary parent? That’s a bit unclear here. His behavior is inexcusable no matter the reframe, it’s just a bit unclear what your responsibility as stepmom is here. Again, this would be disrespectful af whether your a step or bio mom!


bumblebee7310

NTA. sounds like you have three kids in the house, 7, 10, and 37. The cheek of saying you care abt work more than the kids. He cares less abt his kids! He was willing to have them go hungry just so he can have you do what he wanted you to. There are so many red flags in this situation op, I hope you realise that and make the best decision for you. He’s manipulative to yiu and abusive to the kids.


TheRealMaly

Sounds like a horrible marriage


Theodora1976

NTA but I feel sorry for these kids caught in this situation.


MK_King69

NTA but is this what you really want for the rest of your life? No thanks.


Academic-Slice-7515

NTA and how are people on here so delusional? Why does this situation make her an AH or a bad parent!? She was WORKING. These are her work hours. She told him she was working and he should make them food. He deserted his kids and left them hungry expecting her to ditch work and jeopardise her job to make a meal she shouldn’t have to make cause he is lazy and couldn’t be bothered to cook and prioritised a meal over his kids. She ordered them takeaway and didn’t leave them hungry like their father did… This guy is playing games. You need to tell him to quit it or you’ll quit him Edited my spelling


westerlies_abound

NTA. He's being extremely manipulative and deceptive. If he wants them not to eat fast food, there are compromises on where you can get takeout, but it's absurd that he wanted you to just do something when you already said no. It does sound like maybe the two of you need to have a talk about parenting responsibilities. While you didn't give birth to the kids, you are in the position of a caretaker for them. It's not wrong for your husband to want more help with parenting from you, but the way he's gone about it is unproductive.


Impossible-Wolf-3839

NTA. You made your boundaries clear and he trampled all over them. It seems like he married you to be a mother to his children and not a partner. This is just the start of his bad behavior if you don’t find a way to make him understand your boundaries and respect them.


magnus_the_fish

NTA. Your husband is using you. You did the right thing. He should be thankful.


[deleted]

NTA. Your husband is a terrible dad. He left his children without feeding them. He could of cooked them something before he left


atomicspork82

NTA but you married one. Working from home is exactly that... WORKING. Does he not want help with finances? Does he want you to get fired? Tell him to hire a fucking nanny or feed them himself.


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rhendon46

NTA dang, and you're married to this dude? He's being completely unreasonable. Work is *work* doesn't matter if you're doing it from home or not. He tried manipulating you in order to get his way, and when that failed, threw a fit...no, you are NTA.


Terradactyl87

NTA, but this is how it's going to be. He doesn't respect your career or your time and lies to you and then yells at you after you dealt with the consequences of his lies. I know you said you haven't been married long, I'm wondering if you dated a long time or if that was quick too? It seems like he wanted a wife to pawn the kids off on so he doesn't have to be responsible.


DunkTheBiscuit

NTA, and what you say to your husband is "My *priority* is to *not get fired*, and to continue to bring in X to keep this household afloat. And every time you tell the kids to come to me for food whilst I'm working, they're getting takeout. You don't want that, you make sure they're fed." And stick to that.


plant-cell-sandwich

INFO: why are you two married?


MikrokosmicUnicorn

NTA. this is not the first time this man has tricked you btw because he tricked you into marrying him when all he wanted was a live-in nanny. i would seriously reconsider this relationship.


curious_writer13

NTA. I've always hated that people think because I work from home, I can do things during the day. My ex was the worst for it, wondering why housework wasn't done and the kids were watching TV for the hour and a bit between them finishing school and me finishing work. Don't get me started on what he expected from me when they were home schooling during COVID. He disrespected a very understandable boundary. You were working. If you didn't work from home, it's not like you could just come home and deal with the situation. Maybe it's time for an office door with a lock so you can lock yourself in. Not only did he disrespect your boundary, but he lied to you and manipulated your, and then had the audacity to complain because you fed them takeout when he did all that. I wonder why the kids' mom's are uninvolved. I wonder if it's their choice or he's done something to make sure they are uninvolved and then blamed them. Don't have kids with this man and really look at whether this is a marriage that is equal.


bromley325

Definitely NTA. The children were fed, if he was so concerned about beta they ate he shouldn’t of lied to you and told you he would feed them. He’s using his children as pawns to put his priorities over yours, party vs work, and then gaslights you I to thinking you’re in the wrong. You’ve got a much bigger problem that what the kids are for dinner! He clearly doesn’t respect you and it’s pretty obvious that he cares more about himself that you or even his kids! Has your relationship always been like this or since getting married???


No_Process_321

NTA. I wfh too and it's infuriating when people assume that I can drop out of work mode whenever and cater to their whims. Are there times I can disengage, yes. But those times are dictated by workflow and nothing else. It is HIS responsibility to make sure that his children are clothed and fed. He's trying to force-feed you part of his obligation. I get that you're a couple and some help is to be expected. But he intentionally tried to trick you in hopes you'd somehow feel obligated to lighten his load of responsibility. He'll keep trying until you do it "right" and he's freer for more play time. Don't let him do it.


alreadyburned_out

NTA no wonder the mothers aren't involved. They ran away cuz husband is immature & controlling


McflyThrowaway01

Does this jerkface work? Dude was looking for a mommy for his kids and a mommy for himself. Red flags everywhere.


HappyRainbowSparkle

Nta your husband sounds terrible


Stiblex

NTA, you made it clear you don't have the time and he was being dishonest.


Virtual-Trade-8790

NTA Your husband is a controlling manipulative hypocrite. Oh, and a liar for the cherry on top.


Winter_Dragonfly_452

NTA. I hate the people think because we work from home we can do whatever we want whenever we want, including during work hours. We are working from home, we have demanding jobs and we have set hours. We have to work. It doesn’t mean we get to stop whenever we want and do whatever we want. However your life is never going to change when it comes to those kids cause he doesn’t want to take care of them so you need to think long and hard how long you want to put up with crap like this. I have a question why weren’t you invited to go the engagement party too since you both are married?


mheyin

NTA. He can get his priorities in order and feed his kids before he goes off to a party. Lazy git.


Eastern-Ad-4019

ESH. Your husband is definitely TA. He lied to you about making the kids dinner. He also knows you're very busy at work a didn't have time to make dinner. He's also neurotic about "fast food." He knew he was putting you in a terrible position where you wouldn't have time to make dinner yet complained about the food you did provide. You're also TA, OP. You married a man who has custody of his 2 children. They're your children now too. I'm not saying that you can't have your career and work the hours you want, but it seems like these poor kids are the last thing on your mind. They're kids. They need people in their lives who care about them. From the information you gave it really seems like both you and your husband are shirking your responsibilities with these kids. What parent wouldn't feed his kids before he left for a party and then tell them to ask you for dinner, especially when the kids know you are too busy for them? What kind of step-parent would openly admit that their job is more important to them than 2 living human beings? Question: why did you marry a man with 2 kids when it's obvious that you don't like kids?


sparklesparkle5

NTA He knew the event was coming up, he should have made plans accordingly. He could have made extra food the night before and put it on plates ready to be warmed up for dinner that night. Or made a casserole or lasagna or something that could be reheated for dinner. His failure to prepare is not your responsibility. His behaviour around this is the more concerning thing. He doesn't respect your or your job op.


Turbulent_Message637

NTA. You had made your position clear and he’s the one that decided to prioritize a social engagement over his kids dinner. Why do people think WFH isn’t really working?


Aprikoko

NTA. Does he want a partner or did he just look for a new caretaker of his two kids? Cause that's how it sounds like.


Binky390

NTA Your husband was looking for someone to help him take care of his kids and found someone. There is no reason to insist that you cook for HIS children. Plus it was a little irresponsible of him to leave for a party without first making sure that his children had been fed. This will just get worse as time goes on.


AstronautNo920

NTA I hope you realize your priority is you and start packing.


loranlily

NTA. He doesn’t want a wife or equal partner, he just wants a live-in nanny/maid that he doesn’t have to pay.


smurfgrl417

NTA but how unbearable do you have to be to keep two separate women uninvolved in their children's lives? I'd be real curious to the real reason those women aren't in their children's lives as opposed to whatever version was spun to OP. I understand parenting isn't for everyone and they should at least offer the support they'd legally be obligated to, but I think choosing two people like that back to back to have kids with is unlikely and it's more he likely chased these woman off with his abusive behaviors.


CasperGGGD

NTA—Why are you married to him? He was looking for a nanny to his kids, IMO. He has no respect for you and chooses himself over his children and you, his wife.


Dr007Bond

OMG - RED FLAGS everywhere. He treats you like this 6 months in? He has no respect for you, your work, or your boundaries and things he can push you around, and even worse use his kids to force you to do something. He is selfish, a terrible bad, and a worse husband. He sees you a a substitute for his 2 baby mommas who will do the work for him. I would suggest some counseling and if he won't agree to it, and change his ways - plan your exit strategy before the abuse gets worse. NTA


aycl13

NTA He can't expect to make all parenting decisions and have you follow them, while demanding you take a role (step)parenting at his convenience. If you're a step parent, you can also make decisions regarding dinner and your decision was take away.


NotDolledUpForYou

NTA. He chose a party over feeding his children. Tell him to get his priorities in order


Wrong_Bat_9636

NTA. So he's upset he couldn't manipulative you? He's betting on you not letting the kid starve to force you to cook. Despite hvaing that assumption, he says you dont care about them.


PurplishPlatypus

You're NTA for this specific situation. That was very sneaky of him and not respectful or healthy at all. But like others have said, you do need to decide if you are a part of this family or not. You chose a man with kids living at home. You are their parent now as well, and you've made it clear that you don't consider these as your kids nor your responsibility. That's a huge problem.


JCBashBash

NTA, but why are you married to this dude? He thinks of you as a nanny who he has sex with. He doesn't respect you. Surely 6 months is soon enough that you can get a clean break from this


LogicalVariation741

Frankly, a guy with 2 kids from 2 different ladies is a red flag for me. And, he seems to have no redeeming qualities (like- how can you not make sandwiches for kids prior to going out?) I worry about how much you are working, OP. Make sure to take some time for yourself


MoodySpidey

NTA. But your husband is definitely is the AH. He's the one who needs his priority set straight but apparently going to a dinner and leaving his kid without food was much more important.


Alarmed-Spend9459

Urgh if I were you I’d move to a share office or even the library so he learns that work is work. And takeout doesn’t have to mean unhealthy - I’m sure he’s heard of Chinese food. He’s using you, I’m afraid. NTA and set some hard boundaries with this guy.


chickinpink

He's not looking for a wife. He's looking for a nanny. Please get a divorce.


[deleted]

NTA - you need to get your priorities in order and ask yourself if there’s anything he’s bringing to this marriage that’s worth putting up with this crap. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes unreasonable demands of you and sulks when you don’t comply?


ughwhyusernames

NTA. I would seriously look into why somehow both mothers are "uninvolved" because abusive men are notorious for getting full custody as revenge for the woman leaving them. His behaviour makes me think you're about to start seeing that abusive behaviour a lot more.


Double_Analyst3234

Nta. Sounds like your hubs is the one who needs to get his priorities in order


Slight-Bar-534

NTA. Doesn't matter where your office is, you have hours you are expected to be at your desk. He didn't have time to feed his kids? Yeah, right


PurpleMuff1n

hes treating you like a maid/babysitter more then a wife, run while you can. NTA


Much-Meringue-7467

Just here to point out that, if you leave now, you can focus on work as much as you want and he can take care of his own kids like he's supposed to. NTA


PGR73

NTA but I'm not sure how you two decided you were compatible. I know this is just one incident but you prioritize work and there's nothing wrong with that except that you married a man with two children who live there full-time. He, on the other hand, should prioritize his children's needs above his wants. This scenario makes it appear as he married you to gain some freedom so he has an in-house babysitter.


needincomes

NTA Seem like you're his bangmaid


WotIWrote

You're looking after three children. Your husband needs to grow up and take ***his*** responsibilities seriously. NTA


ucanthandlethe_truth

NTA. But why are you married to him? Do you want to be raising kids that he made with two different women and is trying to dump on you? He does not sound like he is worth this sacrifice. Good thing is that you only lost 6 months on them, get out of it now and find someone with no kids. You'll regret wasting your good years on this this relationship. If he wants a nanny, he should hire one.


GroundbreakingPie289

NTA. This man does not respect you & he sees you as a maid. I would be absolutely livid if someone does this to me.


momokplatypus

NTA. Why are you with a man this irresponsible? If this is the way he treats his kids, what makes you think he’d be any better a father with yours?


CaptCojones

NTA in this scenario, BUT... the way you describe yout marriage, both you and your husband have to work on your marriag, else it will not end well for anybudy involved. It seems like you dont want to get involved with his kids, but you are an important part of their lives regardless since you married their dad. Also your husband has to learn that working from home does not mean free time and not keeping their words is a no no.


Starlight92_

NTA He got married so he could have a mom. He does not see you as a working women but as a stay at home mom. You really need to think long and hard about this life. It's going to get worse he is a master manipulator.


FuzzyLumpkinsDaCat

What the heck? He’s being a control freak. He should be thankful you agreed to watch them at all. You can’t beg someone to watch your kids then control exactly how they do it- unless you’re paying them to. NTA


Emotional_Answer_646

NTA- I'm sure if you called him in the middle of his shift at work to come home and make food for the kids he would agree right? Also funny how prioritizing work over kids = bad but prioritizing an engagement party over kids = just fine.


Cheap-Meal-7115

NTA at all your husband knew what he was doing. Ew.


CryptographerNo6348

I have an idea. File for divorce.


Glengal

NTA It seems like he married you mostly to be the mother to his children, not a partner. He prioritized a party over feeding his kids and your work schedule. It's his priorities that need to be put in order. Reiterate your boundaries, affirm what responsibilities you are willing to accept in regard to your step-parent rol; he either accepts it or not. Even if he says he accepts it, I doubt he will stop pushing boundaries.


Practical_Place6522

NTA But why are you married to him when your lives are clearly incompatible?


Rich-Concentrate-200

NTA. Just wondering what exactly are your arrangement when it comes to the kids? It seems like he wanted you take over his responsibilities completely.


marymorose

NTA. Time to cook him up some divorce papers. He says your priorities are out of whack but he's the one choosing not to feed his own children to go to a damn party. He just noped out on his hungry children and went to a party for how many hours? He didn't seem to give a damn about his children then, but when he gets home, the children he left hungry suddenly matter? Then he gets mad at you for feeding the children that he let starve? Why is he not parenting his own children? Once you decide to have children, you don't get to shirk your parental responsibilities for a stupid party. He sounds manipulative, abusive, and neglectful. He showed where his priorities are and it's not with you or the kids.


hannahryder215

He’s a boundary stomper. It may be in your best interest to get a coworking space outside of your home to really emphasize work boundaries.


Lea_R_ning

NTA!! OP NTA! OP your husband is TA. He went to an engagement dinner instead of cooking for his children. Girl your man is a CRAZY AH!


Positive_Wafer42

NTA, but I'm pretty sure if you reread this you'll see that he's trying to get you to abandon your job, so he'll be able to financially control you. He is trying really hard to turn you into a SAHM so he doesn't have to make any sacrifices for his children. He also seems controlling in other ways, like how if he wants his children to eat(or not eat) something, he needs to put the effort in himself. If it was important to him, he would have prioritized it over...what exactly? A few hours out? He could have fed them early, left a pre prepared snack for you to give them if they got hungry again, and gone out. Or he could've gone out later, after he cooked. But instead, he wanted to control you and your time. He wanted you to do something not in your best interest (calling out and leaving early adds up, no promotions, even disciplinary actions), and then berated you after you told him you couldn't do it. Kinda like how a crappy boss yells at someone for not coming in their day off, after being told it wasn't gonna happen anyway. There's enough marinara flags here to opening an Italian restaurant.


Redstonemaniac2019

NTA ​ Saying he will, then not, and expecting you to take time off to do what he should have done? yea no


sparkletigerfrog

Info: Who was actually looking after the children??


quirkyhermit

NTA, he's looking for someone to take over his responsibilities as a dad. Do not let him, for your own sake, but most of all for the sake of his children. You fed them, after he completely failed to do his job as a father to them and a partner yo you. When he chooses to leave his children hungry he has NO say in how you rescue them. He should be beyond grateful to you.


Lori_D

NTA. HE needs to get his ‘priorities in order’ as they’re HIS kids. He said he would feed them, he didn’t, so you did. If he didn’t want them eating take out, he should have made sure they were fed. Similarly, work trumps a social engagement, every time, as work puts a roof over your head, food on your table and pays the bills.


Fancy_Avocado7497

NTA - Obviously he is confused and if his children's diet was a priority he should have made arrangements but his social life was his priority. He chose to impregnate 2 women who had no interest in parenting and then he thinks a 3rd woman is going to pick of the slack??? He is the full time parent for these children - did he think marrying you would ease his parental burden? It sounds like the conversation that should have happened pre-marriage about the division of labour, has to happen immediately.


EquivalentEdge5942

Uh…get better taste in men. This can’t be the first time he’s acted like this.


[deleted]

NTA. Not your fault he’s shirking parental responsibility and trying to load you up but it’s certainly going to become your problem.


KayKayCam

NtA The kids were fed If he didn't want them to eat take out then he had the option to make it himself He says you're prioritizing work over family but I promise if you weren't working he'd gripe about you not contributing financially to the family. He's T A


Wawa-85

NTA but your husband is one giant AH! You had already told him you had a meeting that you needed to attend so couldn’t cook and he then lied and said he would cook for the kids. There’s so many things wrong with what he did. Please don’t stay with a man like this, I can see why the mothers of your step kids aren’t involved.


Hookerboots12

NTA - he used his children as a pawn against you. He was willing to let them go hungry and put his friends engagement party above them. That’s ridiculous.


Moon-Queen95

NTA Husband said he was going to cook, then didn't, then got mad when she ordered take out. She didn't ignore the kids or tell them to feed themselves. He just wasn't happy with how she fed them, after he lied to her. She is AT WORK. Just because she's at home doesn't make her less at work. Also everyone saying she shouldn't be referring to them as his kids and that she's a bad stepmom: they've been married for six months. Presumably these children have a mother, or even if she died, had a mother. They're not toddlers. If my mom had remarried and after six months he was calling us "his kids" or "their kids", I would be like no thank you sir, you are not my father and I am not your kid.


Substantial_Speed_79

NTA. Make sure there's sandwich stuff in the fridge or cereal in case he tries this again. They're old enough to feed themselves occasionally.


ntrrrmilf

NTA and it seems he is under the impression he obtained a new mother for his children via your marriage.


Quiet-Daydreamer

NTA. He wants to get mad at you for not taking care of HIS kids so he can go to dinner with friends. Then to say you did not care about his kids, what about him not caring about them. He did not want the kids eating fast food but chose to not feed them before he left. Since he did not care to feed them he should not care what they were fed.


Imnotcrazy33

ESH I married a man with kids whose mom wasn’t in the picture. We made sure we were on the same page with my responsibilities to them. In my case, I WAS MOM. In your case it may be different, but for the children’s sake you both need to get on the same page! You can’t marry a man with kids who have no mom and act completely separate. This seems like a bad match. He wants a mom for the kids, you don’t want to be mom. Everyone loses, ESPECIALLY THE KIDS. This isn’t about this one situation here. ETA: in this situation though, absolutely order takeout and feed the kids! He should have appreciated that and not tricked you


whoamIdoIevenknow

INFO: WHY did you marry him?


EmilyJayde94

NTA… but you know he married you to be their mum right? Two uninvolved mothers and too many 🚩🚩🚩with his lying and manipulation, girl run


pineapplestar21

NTA. Your priorities sound just fine. When did people start actually expecting others, who didn’t create these children, to start being responsible for them? I understand you sort of took the position as a single father’s partner, but those are *his* kids, and ultimately his responsibility.


throwawayanylogic

ESH Why did you marry this loser? Surely you knew why the situation was going to be. You talk about “his kids” but c’mon, they live with him full time and are preteen, did you think you could just ignore their existence while moving in and marrying their father?


BeastOGevaudan

NTA - I can't imagine why this AHs kids have two different mothers. He is trying to manipulate and control you. He disrespect you and your work. Are you sure you are more than a nanny to him?


mrose1491

He went to a party instead of feeding his kids and has the nerve to tell you to get your priorities straight? NTA. Your husband clearly only wants you to serve as a housewife/SAHM and he has no respect for your career.


FakeBabyAlpaca

NTA. Why are you married to this person.


PilotEnvironmental46

NTA. Your husband is seriously entitled. He lies to you, uses the children to manipulate you, and then sucks when you don’t do what he wanted to trick you into doing. You guys need some marriage counseling


Encartrus

I see why the previous two relationships didn't work out. You probably should be looking down the line and considering if this is what you want for the rest of your life or if an annulment is the better option. NTA


relentless89

NTA And baffled by the ESH, and “it’s clear you don’t care about the kids” This man LIED to her and manipulated the situation after she was clear about her work responsibilities. They had a conversation, he didn’t like how it ended. Instead of doing what he said he would, he used the kids to manipulate OP to try and be a good 50s house wife. This man does not want a wife who works.


Flustered-Flump

And by “priorities”, his priorities. You’d best prioritize his needs above yours - that’s what he is saying there. NTA. Your husband needs to be able to look after his own kids and abide by his own statements and not get pissy when his little ploy falls through.


NickelPickle2018

NTA have you always worked from home? Was he like this before you got married?


ponydigger

NTA. run.


melmelimels

NTA. I don't understand why everyone is mad about her not getting involved with the kids. As far as is described in the post, she just doesn't want to while she is working, which is to be expected. If she was at the office that would be out of the question. Also, he lied to her and yelled at her because what, she didn't interrupt a meeting to cook? OP took better care of the kids than their father. Working from home it's not the same as SATHM and the husband should learn that.


FairyFartDaydreams

NTA for ordering takeout. But why the hell did you marry someone with 2 kids if you have no interest in parenting? Also the 10 year old can be taught to cook simple things and use a rice cooker


thatguysuba

NTA, so he lied to you, deliberately put you in a situation where you would have no choice but to do what he wanted trying to manipulate you. I would say that you guys should get some couples counseling or seriously evaluate your relationship. It sounds like he's seriously doesn't respect you as a person or respect your time or your career.


Pudenda726

NTA although hubby is a huge AH. There are so many red flags. He doesn’t respect your career, he blatantly lied to you about feeding his children, & then he had the nerve to complain about what you fed HIS kids that HE lied about feeding. Behavior like that would be a dealbreaker for me.


Extreme_Teaching_697

INFO: Does he work? Did he have a busy schedule that day? INFO: What was so appealing about this guy that you married him?