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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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WarrenMulaney

NTA...even if she doesn't "learn her lesson" you at least won't have to waste any more of your time waiting for her.


Lynneus

NTA. Not at all. You can’t really do anything to keep her from being late to her stuff, but is is your appointment. You gave her fair warning. Stick to it. If she cries about it, make sure she knows it was HER actions that led to her missing the appointment, not yours.


CrystalQueen3000

NTA Her inability to be on time shouldn’t ruin this for you. She’s on notice that you’ll leave without her, if she misses it then it’s on her.


gilded_lady

NTA, in fact its imperative you leave at 9:15 on the nose. Just FYI - be prepared to do this on your wedding day, because I guarantee she won't be on time then either.


TryHardGamerGirl

My wedding coordinator is perfectly capable of wrangling her that day! I refuse to do it! She’s supposed to do my hair since she’s a retired cosmetologist but if she’s late, one of my bridesmaids is a cosmetologist too and she’s chomping at the bit to do it!


gilded_lady

Honestly, let your BM do it! Why stress?


Rstar2247

NTA You've communicated how important it is to you to make it to this on time. It's up to her to decide if this is important enough to her to show up on time. If she gets angry at you, she's quite literally projecting her own faults.


vrindumb

NTA NTA NTA Your mother is a full grown adult with horrible time management, and you've accommodated her plenty throughout your life. If she hasn't gotten her shit together so far, it's not gonna happen till you put your foot down and let her deal with the consequences of her (late) actions.


SaltRevolutionary917

About time your mom learned some accountability towards other people’s time. About 50 years too late. NTA. If she’s a second late, you leave and stand your ground. Maybe she’ll realize for once, and not also be late to your god damn wedding.


kiisskoo

i have this exact same mother. she is late to absolutely everything. i understand how you might feel guilty about this (i've done similar things) and sadly the only thing she's done is get angry at me and changed nothing. i've grown used to it and have accepted it, so she should also accept being left behind if she's not on time. you're an adult now, and she's been an adult for how long now? NTA


BaltimoreBadger23

NTA: have you ever considered padding times?


Rstar2247

If the OP's mother can't be bothered to show up on time, she's expressing her priorities. Manipulating her into showing up on time is only going to make things worse when she inevitably finds out and has a solid lie to pin on the OP when she plays the victim.


TryHardGamerGirl

I have in the past told her things start 30 min earlier than they do, but she’s figured me out now. She gets mad every time but for a while I was making it to concerts and competitions on time.


DeeJo49

Up the pick up time to 30 mins. before appt. time (don't tell her). This seems to be what most people do in these situations.


mm172

NTA. You’ve given her every possible warning. If that’s not enough, then she needs to experience the consequences of not taking those warnings seriously. And either way, ideally the lesson will sink in before she expects you to hold up the entire wedding for her.


Suitable-Roof8355

NTA. (Or more accurately WNBTA). This is your event and it’s on your schedule. Her chronic lateness is her problem, not yours.


winesis

NTA you should tell her that you want to go to breakfast with her first and you will be there to pick her up at 8 am.


Comfortable-Cod8177

NTA -my mom is the same; she was late for parent photos before the wedding and I have no pictures of her and I getting ready or anything because she barely made it on time for the ceremony. She is an adult making her own decisions and if she feels excluded its due to her inability to be on time and the world she not wait for her


Sea-Confection-2627

NTA. You are setting consequences for your mother. Follow through on them. It might be the only way she's going to learn.


Interesting_You_2315

NTA. Time to change up your routine. Make appointments and tell your mother an earlier time. If she's "always" 30 minutes late - make it 30 minutes earlier. Look for the story here for the couple that printed a "special" invitation just for one of the parents with an earlier wedding start time. The mother only just made it on time even with a 1 hour earlier start time to the real event. And you need to start leaving her. If you say I will pick you up at 9:15. I leave at 9:20. You are no longer wasting my time.


TryHardGamerGirl

The fact that they made her her own invitation and she was STILL almost late is ridiculous! I can’t understand how people can bare being late.


[deleted]

YWNBTA. If you continue to wait, you're telling your mom that life revolves around her. That she dictates your life. You leave. The only thing that works with chronic late people is for them to face the consequences of their actions...or their inaction. You'll be surprised how fast they suddenly are able to be on time if they really want to do something .


Own-Yoghurt-4520

NTA. Consistently being late for everything is flat out rude - especially when other people are going out of their way to drive you to YOUR own appointments. She would get a two minute warning at 9:13 and at 9:15 sharp I would be leaving the driveway. I wouldn't wait on her anymore and she would have to work it out when she misses appointments, etc. I know you love your mom but enough is enough.


Turbulent_Message637

NTA. If it’s important to her she will be ready. You’ve given her ample notice now all she needs to do is be ready on time.


rocketmunkey

NTA. Sometimes lessons need to be learned the hard way, and this is about as soft as "the hard way" gets. Question - have you tried the "time shift" method? That is, telling her an appointment is 30-60 minutes earlier than it actually is, in order for her to actually be on-time?


TryHardGamerGirl

Yes, but she’s unfortunately caught on and in one case took even longer to get ready because she thought I did it to her when I actually did not. That was just one of those dinner dates, fortunately, but I was hungry 🥲


rocketmunkey

Oof, well that makes it tougher. Good luck going forward, feels like you might need it!


jerseycrab301

Of course NTA. Has your mom been evaluated for depression?


TryHardGamerGirl

Yes, and I can confidently say that woman is off the charts depressed. Some of the trauma she’s put me through deserves it’s own post. However, I’m pretty bad myself but my anxiety keeps me 15-20 minutes early.


jerseycrab301

I’m so sorry, OP. I would bet her depression is a big part of the problem. It’s nice that you want to share this day with her given what sounds like a bad history with her. I hope your dress shopping goes well.


Initial-Frosting4063

That's exactly what you have to do with chronically late people. And on your wedding day start the wedding on time even though she's not there. YWNBTA


Which_Pudding_4332

NTA you have a great deal more patience than me. I'd of stopped picking her up years ago.


Substantial-Air3395

Stop enabling her.. NTA


dinahdog

NTA execute your plan. You might just have great day on your own. Isn't the first trip just look all over town and go from there unless you see exactly what's in your minds eye. Then buy it on the spot.


solitarybydesign

NTA It is a little late in her life, but something she needs to learn, if she isn't ready, leave her behind, don't let her shift the blame.


Linhop4

NTA especially with how long it can take dresses to be made and arrive. It took mine a year to come in from the date I ordered it. So this needs to be on your timetables, not hers. If she really wants to see you in your dress she can still come to a fitting with you.


cryinoverwangxian

NTA Her lack of respect for everyone but herself is old and you need to establish boundaries or she’ll stomp all over your marriage. Don’t hold the wedding ceremony for her either.


TryHardGamerGirl

Absolutely not! My wedding coordinator wouldn’t allow it even if I wanted to 😂


microgiant

NTA. I've had to deal with this type of situation once or twice, and I found that the only way to get them to believe me was to make it a weird but serious point: "I'm leaving by 9:15. I give you my solemn word of honor, my car will not still be in your driveway at 9:16. I promise this."


Malsnano86

NTA. You have an appointment. This clearly doesn't mean much to your mom, but you are allowed to care about being on time. And yes, tell her that you will leave her butt if she is not ready to go when you need to go. You're not going to waste your time or the shop's time; this is too important to you. *#noguilt #youwarnedher* I have one aunt who is connnnstantly late. At some point in my preteen years I began to realize that when my grandmother planned an extended-family get-together, she'd tell this one aunt that it started half an hour earlier than actually intended... and Aunt Becky\* (not her real name) would rush in the door about five minutes after everyone had gotten there, apologizing for being so late. (At some point after I got married I was on the phone with my mom asking about the family affair to celebrate all the September birthdays: "Does it really start at 5, or is that Aunt Becky Standard Time?") We honestly didn't judge her a bad person for being late, but it was super inconvenient, repeatedly so, to wait for her to arrive before we started eating, and we just wanted to have everyone get there. In her 60s she was diagnosed with ADD. All of us went, "ohhhhhh... yeah, that makes sense." But we still schedule on ABST.


Malsnano86

Just read OP's comments about having tried the scheduling fib on her mom... all of y'all who said that this is a priority issue and not a "just can't get everything done on time even though I really try" issue are right.


TryHardGamerGirl

ABST made me snort. I can’t seem to find the time zone my mother is in unfortunately


Malsnano86

I truly hope that she manages to get ready on time and come with you... and that your wedding is lovely!


TryHardGamerGirl

Thank you! Here’s hoping!


TheQuietType84

NTA Congratulations 🎊 on your upcoming wedding! May you have several decades of wedded bliss! 🥳


TryHardGamerGirl

Thank you!


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[deleted]

NTA, she sounds like my friend with adhd (not diagnosing) the way I got around the chronic lateness was to tell her to be ready 30-45 minutes before she needed to be. That way we were on time. 😂😂


TryHardGamerGirl

My brother and I both have ADHD and it definitely looks like it comes from her side, lol


Efficient_Lobster_30

NTA


uberwookie

NTA but just tell her every appt you have together is 30-45 mins earlier so you get to plaves on time.


Appropriate-Bat2762

NTA. But if you make the threat, you HAVE to carry it out. Or you’ll be on the later train forever…