By - Divided-Path4534
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NTA-gurl don't have kids with this man
She should also add that he is incapable of being a good father because he is a complete AH and if he doesn't like her saying that, too bad because she's just giving her honest opinion on him as a person.
Not to mention that his sperm may be a cause for the miscarriages. 50-80% of recurrent first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosomal/genetic abnormalities, of which he is contributing 50%.
Low quality man, low quality sperm. The science checks out.
That is what I am thinking too. There is also an option for immune conflict. At the lab I got my training at we constantly did a test for immune compatibility specifically for couples with frequent miscarriages.
Holy! I was never told this was a possibility with my multiple miscarriages, that sent me down a rabbit hole.
OB/Gyn RN here, who sees a ton of miscarriage patients (often multiple per week - busy urban practice). This is spot on! Couldn’t have said it better.
I didn't check on the science of this, but if it's true (and I have no reason to think otherwise) it should be a main comment and not just a reply.
It's pretty accurate. My IVF doctor told us that over half of miscarriages are do to the egg not being viable and therefore terminating aka miscarriages
She should have pointed at her heart and tell him he's "flawed in this area" and then leave. He's an insensitive bastard and doesn't deserve her.
In my family, the elder generation slapped the back of the head of their child for a variety of offences, including saying really inappropriate stuff. It's a simple, stinging, wake-up-call type thing, with no permanent damage.
My cousin was saying something off about his wife, before he finished the sentence, auntie's hand was already bouncing off his head. He's 40+ years old... I didn't hear what he said, but I saw the incredulous, contorted looks people were giving him. I did hear him yell, "MOM!" and auntie yelling \[translated\], "If you're going to spew crap, do it in the toilet, ALONE."
OP's spouse and in-laws can learn a few things from my auntie/family.
Right. The husband's comment was way out of line and predictably was very upsetting to OP. Also he should have talked to her about how he feels about all this in private, directly to her.
Plus, there is a difference between carrying to term and being a mom. "Mom" is much more of an emotional title rather than a physical one. Even if a person is unable to carry to term, for whatever reason, they can still be a Mom, and a good one at that.
OP, look at your husband. You know the classic "for better or for worse" line in marriage vows? Yeah, this is the "for worse". Do you want to spend your life and your future children's lives with someone this casually cruel?
I’m completely against smacking children but I’d def do this to my 26 year old nephew if that shit came out of his mouth to his wife or anyone else.
A few years back, I was having a small whiskey tasting at my place. I put out rocks glasses, some ice and water for those so inclined (I drank it neat). My 30 year old cousin throws back two fingers worth of Macallan 12… I slapped him upside the head and asked,” What is wrong with you?” (it is a very nice sipping scotch, doing shots is a waste. double shots, even more-so).
My baby bro (mid twenties at the time) hears the commotion and asks what is going on (btw,he usually assumes I am wrong). Cousin tells bro what happened and my baby bro smacks our cousin upside the head, repeating my question “What is wrong with you?!” 🤣
It is both funny and disturbing how proud I was of baby bro in that moment…
LOL. That's how I feel too. My first instinct is that I am totally against hitting people (including children). But the "Auntie" totally gets a pass on this one. And I may borrow the strategy if ever needed in the future.
I’ll smack adults when they deserve it, no problem
*"If you're going to spew crap, do it in the toilet, ALONE."*
Your auntie is THE BEST.
Is your family Irish American or Italian American? Because this sounds like my family, and I'm a blend of both, lol!
Neither, I believe this is part of the “immigrant experience” most Americans don’t (like to?) talk about…
My wife is Irish-Sicilian, lets just say, “we have a lot of common experiences ,” and leave it at that! 🤣
Yup. Slaps around the head are international.
Yes, when that baby is wanted it is devasting to miscarry. Every woman is different, but a lot of woman who want children fall desperately in love with that baby as soon as they know they're there. It's not wrong to grieve for someone you lost, even if you never "knew" them. Which I think is also horseshit, the baby may not have had a personality but you sure as hell knew them. They lived in your body and you had to take care of them, it's natural to love that. And the most devastating part of grieving (in my experience with my dad's dementia, I don't wish to become pregnant) is the idea of how much you won't get to have. Birthdays, graduations, possibly wedding, maybe they would even have kids one day. You can have so much hope for your baby, even while they are the size of a bean in your body. That is love. The shaming of women who miscarry for not only miscarrying, but for loving their baby and being devastated that their baby is gone, is so disgustingly toxic. I don't understand why people want to invalidate others experiences and for what? Moral superiority over a person who is grieving? It's sick. Husbands whole family is sick. I hope op leaves, she should have a partner who respects her and her feelings.
This x 1000000000. Beautifully capture the pain of baby loss and pregnancy loss. ❤️
I had a MC in april and I want to hug you for these words. You found words I didn't.
And not just the mother feels that instant attachment. When my sister told me she was pregnant, I immediately swore my life to that kid. Everything I have, was theirs from the minute she said she was pregnant. I imagined myself as the amazing aunt, having fun, gently spoiling the kid, teaching them things, being an ear for them when they can’t talk to their parents... all that crap. I adored that kid before we knew he was a boy, and before I even saw his squishy self on the sonogram. And it was all massively reinforced when she gave him the name I had suggested; he’s my little Pandion and I will give him the world. He’s adorable, and I can’t wait to fly over and cuddle him. I’ll be the last member of our small family to do so, and I’m counting the days!
This is stolen word by word from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wa6wwq/aita_for_leaving_dinner_at_my_husbands_familys/ihz8qoj?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
The original comment is 3hours older.
Bad Deadpool. You forgot the bag of ammo again.
I love the shed some pounds comment and how much do you weigh again comment. The thing that got me the most is the never be a mother comment, she was a mother to all of those kids she miscarried and to state the truth would be him saying perhaps she may not be able to carry a baby to full term but even that is vulgar in my eyes. There’s always adoption or foster care, she can be a mother through these ways and not just biological. And who knows maybe she will be able to
fully carry a child or children to term some day, maybe it’s DH that might be the problem, is that possible? What a crass and cruel thing to say. This man needs therapy. I am not saying OP should stay with him, I am just saying he needs some help but anyway, OP, NTA and I am sorry for your losses.
It's absolutely possible that he may be a carrier for something. Early miscarriages are often due to the fact that the embryo isn't viable. Or she may have an issue that's totally fixable, like scarring or progesterone deficiency.
Either way it's a total asshole move to say that to her in front of her family. A man who was less of an asshole and was feeling overwhelmed by repeated cycles of hope and hopelessness would discuss privately with his partner that perhaps biological parenthood wasn't in the cards for them.
One of my friends had multiple miscarriages & they just assumed it was her fault. When they decided to really get serious about having a child, they went to the fertility doctor to see what they needed to do. It turned out that he carried a gene that would attack the embryo, so whenever they got pregnant, it was his gene that made her miscarry. They ended up just adopting kids, because he didn't want to use someone else's sperm. They definitely need to go to the dr & see what is up.
Yeah, my first thought was that if the doc said there wasn't anything physically wrong with her, it might be his sperm.
Holy cow I didn't even know that was a thing!
Me either! I was surprised when she told me that's what was wrong. I can't remember what it's called & this was like 20 years ago, so they may have figured out a way to fix it by now. I remember he was really depressed about it for awhile, until they adpoted their first kid, & he just fell so much in love with her, he didn't care anymore.
My mom lost 3 out of 5 of her kids to miscarriage. It turns out, she had a progesterone deficiency. She had to be on medication to carry me full term.
I had it with both my pregnancies and was able to carry to term with supplements for the first trimester. After that, the placenta takes over production. It was actually an accident that I found out, my first pregnancy I had some light spotting at 5 weeks and freaked out and went to the doctor. Baby was fine but I had very low progesterone so was prescribed supplements. With my second I knew it was a possibility so requested testing as soon as I found out I was pregnant. My cycle had always been regular so I had no early indication it would be an issue. Very easy fix for a very serious problem when trying to retain a pregnancy.
Women in my family had a history of miscarriages, and also babies with big dimples at the base of their spines. We finally found out that we've all got two bad versions of the MTHFR gene. And so taking the folic acid supplements was actually poisoning us and lowering our Vitamin B levels! Once we figured it out it was an easy fix but there were some very preventable miscarriages because no one checked even after it was a known risk factor...especially with a family history of multiple miscarriages :( I'm glad they were able to easily find the cause of yours and help you prevent them, too!
I was going to post this! A small group of OBGYN’s are now just automatically prescribing progesterone after the 3rd miscarriage to see if the next pregnancy makes it to term. An even smaller number are doing it after the first miscarriage.
Had a friend who miscarried very late term twice, 3rd baby passed after 20 days. She was buried in the the father's family plot, next to his sister who passed at one week. Might be he has the problem causing miscarriage.
>Your next words to him should be “to be the best mother to my future kids, I probably need to shed some pounds. How much do you weight again?” And then leave his dumb ass.
I'll see that awesome reply and raise with OP should be handing Divorce papers and when husband ask why , OP says you are incapable of being a husband or anything to me for that matter.
>Honestly he’s trash
That's an insult to trash
OP is NTA
I'm curious if his sperm has been checked. If nothing is wrong with you then......
That's a good one 👌
this. throw the whole man out
[Her body could very well be rejecting his faulty sperm.](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/01/190104103950.htm)
OP: The womb can reject faulty sperm and this presents as a series of miscarriages.
Your husband is being a total asshole and this is a worrying sign of a deep disrespect for you and a tendency to knee-jerk blame you for anything that goes wrong.
This will eventually break you because the disrespect manifests itself in so many different ways from unequal burden of unpaid work in the house to certain chores being beneath him and not beneath you, how his needs are prioritised over yours etc.
Yeah, I was going to say this. Most miscarriages are due to genetic issues, which are just as likely--if not more likely!--to be on his side.
Run, OP. Pack your stuff, go stay somewhere else for a while, get a lawyer and a therapist. You deserve so much better.
OP FYI My friend went through a bunch of MCs. Turned out to be an immune system response issue. Body thought the embryo was an invader and was generating antibodies. They put her on immune suppressants and now she has three kids.
Yes this! I'm a baby from this kind of scenario!
That’s the body’s natural response, it’s very specific places in your cycle where your immune system is tricked into staying pregnant. And I really mean tricked, it’s crazy what the embryo is capable of.
Yeah, the Rh- factor. My family has it and every woman has had to have special shots to stay pregnant after the few trimester.
To piggy back off of this comment- I hate when people are told they “disrespected spouse and their family” by walking out on a gathering.
It is absolutely not disrespectful to walk away from a situation when you’re not comfortable. No matter what that situation is, and yes that includes dinners with family. They’re implying that because they’re married/family that they’re basically a prisoner of the situation and just have to put up with it. Suddenly, when you’re a part of a marriage/family you’re no longer a person of your own free will? No way in hell is that right. It’s such a controlling comment to make and makes my skin crawl whenever I read it, which is a lot in this sub.
Right?! Walking away from bullying isn't disrespectful. The bullying is.
Refusing to listen to someone insult you/your body isn't "policing their speech". Then telling you that you aren't allowed to complain about their insults is.
Even more broadly, walking away is never disrespectful. Removing yourself from a situation where you might hurt another person or allow yourself to continue to be hurt (whether physically, emotionally, or mentally) is never the wrong thing to do. Time and distance can bring perspective and help you figure out the correct response (if any).
Agreed, this whole “getting up and leaving is disrespectful” thing I keep seeing is ridiculous and drives me up the wall!
Oh, so me quietly getting up and removing myself from the situation is DisReSpecTfUll?! Well you are gonna *love* the other option that I was trying to avoid: me full on screaming at you fucking assholes and then throwing a chair through a fucking window on my way out. Better?
It's not about disrespect it's about embarrassment. Dude is probably so dense he didn't realize what a horrible thing it was to say until she started walking out and he was left there with egg on his face.
It's "How dare you not agree or at least take it quietly to make me look better"
Yes, or mother nature is stepping in and saying "do not have kids with this man". sperm and egg ncompatibility is a whole thing:
This happened to a friend of mine! After 3 years her husband agreed to have his sperm tested - almost 90% of it was faulty and wouldn't produce a viable fetus.
They took out the bad sperm, did artificial insemination, and they now have 3 healthy kids.
I was looking for the comment that pointed out that the lack of viability may be due to his sperm. People just love to blame women for problems when it is equally possible to be male factor infertility.
This was my thought as well. It could be his fault because of the miscarriages.
Yup my sister had a few losses and ‘unexplained infertility’ with her ex for 11 years…. Leaves his behind, gets with her current boyfriend and ends up prego within months, has a healthy baby then 9 months later ends up pregnant from one missed pill…. The issues wasn’t her….
maybe the MCs were happening because the husband was stressing out op, is it possible??
Of course it's possible. Incompatibility and stress are major factor for both impossibility to conceive, and impossibility to carry to term.
OP should show her husband this article. Wouldn't that be a kicker - it's him, not her!
I bet his swimmers are toxic along with that personality of his! Ugh! NTA!!
This. My mom had fertility issues, she had PCOS but with numerous different treatments she managed to fall pregnant with my older brother. Then she kept having miscarriages for 7 years, doctors were flummoxed and ran multiple tests and treatments. Turns out the issue was actually on my dad because he had one testicle that didn't drop properly and was producing faulty sperm. Short operation later and he was fixed and they had me.
Her body is rejecting unviable pregnancies and his sperm is a part of that.
Exactly, women are often always blamed with being the problems in not carrying a child but male fertility problems in a major problem (and increasingly so according to research).
She needs to print this out and leave it for him. And maybe send it to his mother.
I'm the male half of a couple that has dealt with infertility for many years (our 25th anniversary is next month). What OP's husband said is so deeply damaging on so many levels it's hard to know where to start. "Incapable" of being a mom? Walked out of a family dinner over literally nothing? He was just being honest? I mean, holy crap, I'm a diagnosed autistic with a terrible penchant for speaking my mind and I know that's way, way over the line. Especially in front of family.
I've found that addressing our infertility challenges with my wife is sacred ground. It is impossible to broach the topic with her without treading near her very soul. OP's husband couldn't have stomped on her heart much harder if he had tried.
u/Divided-Path4534, you are emphatically, unquestionably, without a doubt NTA. I'd seek therapy to figure out what to do here.
As the male half of a couple that has dealt with infertility, I 100% echo your comment. Fantastic response.
Just in case OP didn’t hear: **DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN**
Agreed, as well as NOPE as fast as possible out of the relationship.....OP deserves better
Nta, could it be a sign that you shouldn’t have a kid with him. He is finally showing his true colors. I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I hope one that you can be a mother to a beautiful baby. (Idk if someone has said this or not)
Absolutely. The whole family sound vile. NTA. His mom and he were cruel and malicious.
NTA sweetheart. You don't deserve this. I wish I could give you a hug. Your husband has shown you how "supportive"of a partner he can be when times are tough . And they say , _in sickness and in health_ ?
If anyone is incapable or unfit here , it's him as a partner .
clearly he’s defective. In more ways than one.
OP, a loving partner doesn’t say that kind of BS. When my husband and I found out that I was unable to carry a pregnancy, he told me that he didn’t marry me for my child bearing potential, he married me because he loves me. THAT is what a loving partner says when faced with infertility or sterility. Please, kick this man to the curb, he doesn’t deserve you.
NTA op, hmph this may sound cold but maybe the miscarriages are a sign.
Fuck that guy. Have kids with someone else and when they’re older they can go take a shit on his doorstep…
Yes, that man is absolute garbage.
Yes please. Leave this man. He’s showing you how he will behave in the bad times. “Flaw” my ass.
I am almost speechless. I am so very sorry for your loss and heartache. Before you consider another try, I think you may wish to re-evaluate whether this is the man you want to parent with forever. His insensivity is outrageous and then he doubled down by attacking again at home behind his interpretation of "the truth". What a total AH. Please consider counseling for yourself - for your grief, frustration, and to determine whether you really want to continue with this abusive boor. Soooo NTA.
I agree with all of this 100%. Please re-evaluate your marriage OP. No one deserves to be treated like that.
NTA in any way.
Biologist here. Him acting this way is especially gross when no doctor has actually said she is the problem.
When a couple has ongoing fertility issues, roughly 1/3 of the time it is the woman, 1/3 it is the man, and the remaining third is compromised of biological incompatibility issues, environmental issues, etc.
OP’s husband is throwing her under the bus, and expects her to just take the public embarrassment. It’s a real shitty move.
Yup, could just as easily be a problem with him.
I have friends who couldn’t conceive even with a bunch of interventions. They split up and both went on to have a lot of easy kids with their new partners.
Like tbh even if it *is* her fault, like. It's not intentional. Not like if she broke her leg and they wanted to go hike up a mountain she should feel guilt. It's just A Thing.
Agree with you, 100% btw. Not saying anyone here is saying that the one "at fault" should feel guilty, just wanted to mention it.
This needs to be higher up.
Yes this! Re-evaluate please, the fact he would say this and not be apologetic is bizarre. Also no doctor had mentioned anything to worry about your fertility, it could be him, who knows!
He’s probably the type that is just “brutally honest”. God I hate those people. NTA
Being brutally honest is just an an excuse for being an asshole
Not only does he not defend you when your MIL goes on and on about it so insensitively, he chips in a crass comment of his own. I can see where he gets it from but he's a grown man and responsible for his actions. I assume he's also a mamma's boy of the first magnitude. Marinara flags everywhere here. NTA.
I love that! Definitely gonna use that in the future
And if he's not been told that by their fertility doctor, he's not being brutally honest about the truth, he's being brutally honest with his half-arsed, totally uninformed 'reckon'. Which is hardly valuable or helpful.
Ans do these “brutally honest” assholes have to force their opinions on others… blows my mind
I always said that “brutally honest” folks tend to care more about the brutality than the honesty. There’s almost never a time to talk about something difficult that can’t be said with respect and sensitivity to the situation. ESPECIALLY with a stressful and heavily stigmatized experience like this one.
The gall this man has to callously shame OP for multiple miscarriages and then *blame her* for being rightfully offended by his comments! Forget love- does he even *like* his wife? Or does he only see her as a means to get children and now feels like he can berate her for not being able to (even though it’s not her fault)?
NTA OP. Fuck your husband. Or better yet, don’t! He’s not somebody you should want to raise a child with anyway based on his abhorrent behavior. You deserve better
I’ve never met a situation where the answer could be found in brutality. This response is often made with gleeful enthusiasm. The honesty isn’t the point and it’s exhausting.
I divorced one of those.
Much happier now
But my opinion is the TRUTH!
Just give him some “truth” right back: “Hubs, you’re a total AH, and I’m only sorry I didn’t pick up on it sooner. Don’t like it? Too bad, you can’t police the words that are coming out of my mouth. And unlike what you said at dinner, this is actually the absolute truth.”
1) being "too sensitive" about miscarriages is not a thing. They're devastating. Your feelings and sadness surrounding them are valid. I am so sorry.
2) miscarriages very rarely have an identifiable cause. Most likely, the fetus was incompatible with life for some reason. It's not anything you did or didn't do.
3) if everyone who was "incapable of being a mom" experienced miscarriages we wouldn't need the foster care system.
4) he doesn't think you're perfect and at this moment he considers you little more than a potential incubator and believes your value lies in your ability to carry a child to term.
You are NTA but he and his mother absolutely are.
I'm 6m pregnant after 2 years of IVF and our issue was MALE FACTOR INFERTILITY. MFI is way, way more common than men *ahem* would like to believe. (And tough for me bc hubby already has an older kid so most ppl we know think I'm the cause of us needing IVF.)
Also lots of people don't know but miscarriages often have a genetic abnormality that means it could not have survived into normal life or even grown healthily in the womb, and that abnormality could come from an unhealthy sperm meeting an egg OR vice versa. Until both of you have been tested like my husband and I were, there's an equal chance that either of your side is not quite what it needs to be for success. The best thing to do is see your dr.
That was my first thought. It almost sounds like this is a projection on his part. I wonder if the doctor brought this up privately with him, and instead of getting tested, the husband is gaslighting her into convincing SHE is the problem. Either way this is not someone you should be tying yourself to for life. NTA.
For years my dad refused to get tested because his ego would have just been smashed if he had a sperm problem. It took him YEARS of my mom going through invasive testing in the 80's.
Screw male fragility. My husband IMMEDIATELY volunteered to get testing at 6 months of trying, because he wanted to do whatever needed to be done.
And male testing is so damn easy compared to what women have to go through when we do a fertility work up. I had so much imaging done with dyes and flushes and a lot of it was uncomfortable, then had to have surgery to have a uterine polyp removed.
My husband had to jerk off into a cup a few times. Poor him.
Oh yeah one of the imaging tests to make sure all was what it was supposed to be, they were like "it'll feel like bad menstrual cramps" and I got in there and HOLY CRAP my cramps are no picnic but I'd be in the ER monthly if that was what my usual cramps were.
Another test, once we were fully in the IVF process, was to take a sample of the built-up lining pre-embryo transfer, to make sure levels of everything were what they needed to be. I full-on lost consciousness on that one from the pain.
2 years of injections, oral medicine every 4-6 hours, blood tests nearly weekly, and invasive procedures... and hubby was sore for a day and a half after his outpatient procedure 🙄 he did a lot of help by doing nearly all the injections as I had trouble stabbing myself, but it's much easier to stab than be stabbed 🤪
Reminds me of handmaids tale. The oppressive government controls women's bodies claiming their fertility is the problem, but later a doctor admits it is an open secret that it's a male issue.
This. u/divided-path4534 you need to read this, because it does sound like he’s projecting. It could very well be him, and not you at all. We as a society need to do better in checking both female and male for fertility issues and not just placing blame on the females.
All of this.
Also want to add that because of advancements in pregnancy tests and early testing, a lot more miscarriages (and chemical pregnancies) are recognized these days compared to previously when a woman may not always have known she was pregnant.
Op I got pregnant the first month we tried but lost it in a miscarriage. I had a few more miscarriages and it took 1.5 years of trying to get pregnant with my oldest.
After that it took 4.5 years of trying and miscarriages to have my second (who is 2 weeks old today, oldest is 6).
Both times fertility clinic said nothing was wrong from all the tests and no clear cause.
Don’t give up if it’s what you want although you may want to reconsider if you picked the right man to be the dad
I'm always a bit surprised to hear the 'you would have just thought it was a period in the old days'. I miscarried at 7 weeks and there is no chance I could have taken it for a period. It was extremely heavy, lasted 9 days, made me vomit and the things I passed were not normal period stuff.
Many, if not most women, don't always have "normal" periods. My periods were absolutely obscene and brutal for a decade before I ever had sex - definitely no miscarriages, definitely *worse* than most early miscarriages. Had I miscarried my son, I probably would have thought it was my period, and not as bad as usual! If you always have easy periods with zero outliers, no cramps, light bleeding - what we're apparently supposed to expect despite it not actually being that common - sure, a miscarriage wouod stand out. If you have actual normal periods, with heavy bleeding, big clots, vicious cramps, nausea, and they vary from month to month (and often not regular on a proper every month schedule), then an early miscarriage would blend right in. Those regular, easy periods are not as "normal" as we are led to believe.
Maybe six weeks ago I had the WORST period I have had, by far. I was passing enormous clots DESPITE having just put a new tampon in fifteen minutes earlier. They were large, slippery, and had some sort of membrane which caused them to slip right on past the essentially dry tampon. If my husband and I had had sex anywhere in the past eight-ish months, I'd have thought it was a miscarriage. (Not a dry bedroom, just how we are at times.) Sometimes periods are whack, and sometimes they are straightforward. But medical advancements have definitely created earlier awareness of pregnancy and therefore increased awareness of miscarriages.
I am incredibly angry at the disproportionate blame placed on mothers who miscarry, sometimes even as natural protection for the mother or natural step for an nonvisble fetus.
Edit to add: Sometimes a period looks like a misscarriage, and sometimes a miscarriage looks like a period. But none of it diminishes the experience of the person with a uterus, and being emotional is, ironically, a perfectly logical response.
I think, looking back and knowing now that I have a clotting disorder that could result in miscarriages, that I had a MC in my mid-twenties. I am childless by choice, but I was on the pill then, but not consistent with when I took it. Stuff came out that was not normal. Didn't even occur to me at the time.
I have a family member that’s suffered several miscarriages, and her first one she didn’t even totally realize what it was. It was within about 6 weeks of getting married, so she just assumed the irregularities were stress related. Then she actively started trying for babies, so was testing immediately after a late period. Discovered she was pregnant, then 3 weeks later, for sure miscarried. It was so very similar to what happened right after the wedding that she’s now almost sure that was a miscarriage too. So yes, it’s entirely possible for women to miscarry and not even fully realize it, especially if they weren’t actively trying to get pregnant right then so weren’t testing the second a period was a day late
I’m an older first time pregnant chick, and everyone assumes we did IVF because I am so ancient and decrepit. Nope, I have the eggs of a 25yo, but the swimmers couldn’t find their way with armbands.
You have.. a way with words. I’m cackling over here, kudos for making me laugh.
As someone that has gone through IVF and multiple miscarriages you need your other half’s full support to navigate ‘infertility.’ No judgement, you’re a team. It’s a lonely place to be otherwise! It’s often relationship ending… The majority of miscarriages are chromosomal abnormalities…50% of those are his!!
OMG, can you imagine how horrible this guy would be if they did testing and found out the issue is from her??? He's already saying horrible hurtful things and he has no idea what the issue is.
I agree with all of the above and would add - how do we know it’s not his sperm that are causing the problem? I appreciate that most miscarriages won’t have an identifiable cause but for those that do have a cause, we don’t know what that is. Bet he wouldn’t thank OP for throwing that into the mix! NTA and sorry for your losses OP.
I was going to say just that! The issue may not be your physicality at all. It may he his. Male infertility has been a prevalent for over a decade. The collective “we”, likes to assign responsible to women, without considering alternatives. Just between us………your body maybe rejecting his semen. You may not be compatible in that area. NTA, NTA,NTA! Your husband was callous. He clearly doesn’t understand the impact that MC has on women, or the hormonal storm the comes with pregnancy and continues after the pregnancy ends. We don’t know the overall dynamics of the marriage, so I won’t comment about that. But the exchange at dinner and the aftermath were toxic and his inability to the important on you is troubling. I’m sorry for your losses ,and hope you to invest heavily into self care. Whatever that means for you. Individual counseling and couples counseling may be worth considering.
He very obviously isn’t capable of being a father, if this is how he treats OP. *Might* manage to be a sperm donor, but he’s not a dad.
And about #1: you’re body was still pregnant with all the resultant hormones and post miscarriage you will absolutely be dealing with those hormones almost as tho you’re postpartum. It is a medical condition for weeks after. Be gentle with yourself.
My wife had 3 miscarriages in between having our two girls (they were tough times). These didn't stop us having a second child.
NTA All of these reasons, OP. I had one miscarriage at 10 weeks and coming up on 7 years later here in a few days, I'm still devastated when I think about it. It's incredibly cruel of your spouse to imply that any of this is your fault. My best advice besides getting rid of this guy is to make sure you're getting therapy for this. Depression over the grief is a real thing and you don't want it to become chronic. Also possibly get your progesterone levels checked if there is a next time. For me, that was the kicker.
Big gentle hugs, OP. You're not alone.
It was his opinion and it wasn't based in any medical fact.
Miscarriage is a natural thing. It happens quite frequently. About 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage and it can happen for a variety of reasons. It says nothing about you and motherhood. Sometimes in nature, sperm DNA can be damaged during sperm production and transport. This damage is known as DNA fragmentation. High levels of sperm DNA fragmentation have been shown to double the likelihood of a miscarriage occurring.
So maybe instead of trying to blame you, he should look in the mirror. Maybe it's his low quality sperm that's to blame, you know?
I only see facts here. How quickly his family looked at you as the obvious cause is how quickly you should be considering finding a better sperm donor, because, my friend, he'll be nothing more than that to you. He's not a husband, he'll most certainly won't be a dad. A father maybe, but not a dad or partner
1 in 3 is actually really conservative. It's far more likely that over half of pregnancies end up in spontaneous abortion considering how many genetic abnormalities we don't see (like trisomy with any chromosome other than 21 or X)
Yeah this for sure and for a lot of them people might not even realize they miscarried when they're really early. Oops their period was four days late and a bit heavier than normal.
Was going to say this. My friend worked at a clinic studying early loss in pregnancy, and the stats for loss before a women even realises she's pregnant are staggering. In later pregnancies it's often, like you said, because there's something genetically wrong with the embryo/foetus. It's awful and often not investigated enough to give the couple, especially with the woman, that it's not something she did or didn't do
NTA - you have not handled it the right way. The right way is to change the locks, send him to mom and divorce him.
You forgot throwing his belongings out on the street but otherwise good advice!
I think setting them on fire and roasting marshmallows is a better idea
Oh yes. Much better.
NTA. His comments were way out of line, then combined with the fact that he said them in front of others is an additional line that was crossed.
OP, I'm sorry for your loss and struggles to have children. I'm sure the stress and emotions are immense. Know that there are many others out there with the same issues and there are support groups out there and available if you ever need. The inability to bear children in no way means you can't be a mother.
And the husband said it in front of others before ever bringing up that he thought this in private first. That's such a lack of respect and consideration..
He knew he had mommy in his corner. This was weirdly performative
Yes, performative! That's a good word. He made sure she would be cornered, stacked the power dynamic.
Genuinely, I don't believe that there's such a thing as "too sensitive" when it comes to your own miscarriages. Seriously. You are allowed to grieve and be hurt and be mad and frustrated and whatever you need. And what your husband said wasn't """the truth""", it was his *evil, shitty opinion that he should have never, ever voiced aloud to you*. Nta.
And if women miscarried because the parents "were unfit" there would be far fewer children out there.
Actually someone told me that miscarriages happen because the souls of the babies refused to be born into this world because of how cruel it is and they'd rather stay in heaven. I was like hmmm.
So, some babies are just dandy with the cruelty of the world? Cool.
The person said even though God said they'd have a mom and dad and others to love and protect them, the souls that chose to remain/return to heaven were still afraid. Apparently they 'kids' and parents would be reunited in heaven (the 'kids' would be praying non-stop for their parents sins to be forgiven in heaven) if the parents end up there after Judgement Day.
I couldn't say much. I had a colleague that had 3 miscarriages before she gave birth to a son, then another miscarriage or two before she gave birth to 3/4 more kids. She seemed to 'recover' well after her miscarriages but it seemed because people at the office gave her space and her husband was really understanding and didn't blame her at all. I visited her after she gave birth to her first kid and both of them were over the moon. She said her husband kept crying the first and second day and but it toned down to frequently kissing the baby whenever he got to hold him.
NTA. Please leave this man. I don’t say this lightly but someone who treats you like this doesn’t truly love you. You deserve so much better and the sooner you break off this toxic marriage the better. You can find happiness.
Agreed. Life is hard and if he shows this kind of behavior now it won’t get better. This man won’t be there for you in a helpful way.
My exact thoughts, someone who cares about you and actually loves you would neverrrr treat you like this. DIVORCE!! He and his family are fucking rude
I’d would have told him that maybe he’s the problem, and he should consider if he’s the one who can’t be a dad and thus ruining your chances.
And honestly? Fuck him and fuck his family for treating you like this.
Responding with, "Yeah the doctors said it would be easier if I was using superior sperm but you work with what you got." Is the only answer here.
Actually DON'T fuck him. Demand an apology tell him maybe it's good you had those miscarriages (although that is an awful thing to happen to anyone) because he is obviously is incapable of being a proper father. A proper father would teach his child to be respectful and think of women as people not human incubators
Keep on walking till you run in the opposite direction
“ you are flawed in this area?? Seriously???
He is flawed in the most important areas needed for a successful marriage- sensitivity and empathy… instead of tempering the discussion and moving away from uncomfortable and highly inappropriate commentary by your MIL on MCs he decided to add to the discussion in the most crass way..
Nope not the AH at all but husband and MIL definitely are
Oh god, your husband is a total arse!
Do not have children with a man who talks about you like this. Dodge this bullet and get out now!
You aren’t policing his words, you are refusing him to casually cruel to you.
Edited to add NTA
>You aren’t policing his words, you are refusing him to casually cruel to you.
You could have picked a fight, I would have. Instead you walked out and removed yourself from a cruel situation while you were still grieving a loss.
Tell him he is not fit to be a father if he is incapable of being a good partner. NTA
Love this response “ He is not fit to be a father if he is incapable of being a good partner “!! ❤️
Awww, was the poor widdle fewwa "diswespected"? Aww, the poor widdle guy!
What an AH he behaves, the insensitive lout, and in front of his mommy too. His and mommy's feewings are completely irrelevant in this regard in your presence. You two are supposed to be partners, but he's publicly trashing you. I hope you can find someone more loyal, considerate, and better.
Love this comment
Sorry for your losses.
.... you should lose him ... what an insensitive AH. The true measure of a person is how they behave in times of pain and sorrow. Both him and his mum failed miserably.
You deserve better.
As someone who has had a lot of miscarriages too my heart breaks for you. It is such a dark time and, when you need support most your husband didn’t give it to you.
You’re definitely NTA, and I hope you find some support and answers through this.
I hope you know this, but you didn’t cause your miscarriages and your MIL shouldn’t have implied you did.
Also my 5th miscarriage was tested and my egg was fine, and it was an issue with the sperm (Y chromosome). No one is to blame for a miscarriage but just putting that out there , and that I am unsure why he is blaming you.
NTA. Don't have kids with him!
NTA - not sure how you ended up marrying someone like this. I'd recommend serious measures.
You have better restraint than me. I would have p*nched him in the n*ts.
I’m sorry for your losses and your grief. He’s lashing out and it’s not healthy. NTA
This would have been where any type of love or bond with my husband would have instantly died. This is such a cruel way to talk to someone. I would leave and never look back.
NTA but your hopefully soon to be ex husband is a huge one
Your MIL was wrong to bring it up. Your husband is a complete prick and seriously insensitive! "Then told me to not get offended since he was just being honest. He said he loves me and thinks I'm perfect but still thinks that "I'm flawed in that area". He knows how much the mc's hurt you and how badly you want to have kids, yet he says something like that. IMO there are two options. 1. Counseling for both of you and maybe you should also go separately. 2. Get out of your marriage. Good luck!
I am going to give a grim prediction. With how he already bad mouths you.... In a year hell leave you to get a girl pregnant. That's the vibes he gives off
Hopefully he is the one who has a problem with his fertility. I don’t usually wish this upon anyone but he would make a terrible father.
I would thoroughly enjoy an update in three years saying that OP left the husband, found someone else, got pregnant really early, and then had twins.
You walked out of a horrible situation and my advice - keep on walking
NTA. So horrifying and unacceptable. You are not too sensitive...he and hid mother are cruel, unfeeling dolls. The topic of M C should never have been brought up and commented upon publicly...that is your private pain. And to come right out and imply that you are flawed?!! What is wrong with him?!! Honesty in this case is just an excuse for cruelty and bashing you.
Maybe couples therapy could help but I Icouldn't be with someone like this who is trying to assign blame for infertility. Poor social skills and lack of boundaries...this was private info between the two of you, never to be voiced aloud. Heartbroken that this happened to you, but I could not deal with him and his overstepping mother.
NTA. Honesty without kindness is cruelty. What he did and said was awful and for him to say in front of his family without even discussing before makes it even worse. Don’t let him gaslight you into believing you’re the AH.
And How does he know he’s not the one with the problem?!? And if there’s an issue with any of you, it doesn’t mean you’re not capable of being a parent. He was out of line. I’d rethink the relationship with this man.
NTA. what a horrible, insensitive, brutal thing to do to you! And doubling down later and berating you instead of showering you with apologies and care. You walked away from an abusive event—that is courageous and the opposite of immaturity.
Your husband is setting himself up as some glorious truth-sayer instead of someone who needs to install a filter between his brain and mouth. Pathetic.
NTA you need to divorce this asshole.
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NTA. To be honest you did well to just walk out of there without slapping his face on the way out. It may well be time to find out if your fertility issues are to do with you or him just so that you both know. I wouldn't go s far as to say 'leave him' because it's never that black and white, but he does need to be better educated and also more supportive of you.
On that note, BEFORE they subject her to all kinds of horrible tests, TEST HIS SPERM.
After 6 months of painful testing and fertility drugs, they found out that his (my Ex's) count was quite low.
Probably this won't help you at all but do you know that sperm quality can also effect the viability of the foetus. Biologically, a pregnancy is carried to term only if the foetus/embryo is viable and for that to happen both the egg and the sperm should be healthy. Maybe educate your husband next time he spews this rubbish about something being wrong with you .
NTA. I’m curious why you were still with someone that treats you this way and let his family treat you this way
There’s a certain scent in the air, do you smell it? It smells like…..Freshly signed divorce papers! Quick, present them to your (soon to be ex) husband now while they’re still warm!
In all seriousness, his behavior is unacceptable on so many levels. And he’s hiding behind the facade of honesty to excuse his cruelty. Please pay attention, he is showing you part of his personality you may not have seen before.
Do you really want to spend anymore time with someone who can so casually say something that causes you such pain? And then won’t ever apologize for it? Please think on this and understand you deserve a partner you will treat you kindly.
NTA. Your asshole husband is flawed at being a decent human being
NTA, that was super shitty of both him and his mom. First of all, you don't have to birth children to be a mom. So whether you can bear children or not, you are not incapable of being a mother. Second of all, you're going through a traumatic time and they shouldn't have just been jabbering away about it in front of you without checking in that you felt up to a discussion. You were absolutely within your right to remove yourself from a situation in which you were uncomfortable.
NTA. Are you sure you want to have kids with this man?
NTA. Seek family therapy to determine the future of your marriage. That is heinous.
I would have told him to move out that night itself. What a terrible excuse of a man.
NTA, your husband threw you under the bus and did not have your back. His comments must have been very painful and I hurt for you. How can he say he loves you and hurt you so much at the same time? Being honest is bs. He's a selfish and cruel AH. I would reconsider the marriage because of this. Perhaps you could go yo counselling together?
NTA. I can't imagine how he would treat you once you guys have kids with all the chaos. I hope you girl think big about this, I'll consider this a huge red flag. What an AH he is for labeling you that way and for calling you out because of how you reacted.
NTA. He’s husband is TA and a big one. Sounds to me like you need to rethink if you want to have children with this dude. People that say they were just speaking a truth when they’re really just being drugs suck.