By - Hopeful-Marsupial356
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I'm thinking of taking to be judged is telling my mom that I'm not going to accommodate her demands while she's working from home. This could make me the asshole because it is her home, and her job is important to her and our family.
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To everyone who says "who pays rent", that's not the point here. Even if her mom pays 100% of everything, that doesn't mean she can scold her adult daughter for merely existing in the same space as her from 9-5 while she works from home.
NTA. It also, sounds like you don't have a leg to stand on either. What's gonna happen when you tell her this? Sounds like she's gonna tell you "too bad, so sad" or "if you don't like it, you can move out".
Have an honest conversation with her about this. Maybe even show her this reddit post. It's not ok for anyone to be walking on eggshells in their own home, and that is what your mother is making you do. If this is your home too, you get a say. If this is a "her way or the highway" situation, sounds like you need to move out asap. I hope she listens and you guys can come up with a favorable solution.
That's my plan, I'm going to talk with her about the kitchen and staircase stuff and try to see what we can do. It's mainly that I can't keep going in the way that I have been, it just sucks. Eggshells is the perfect way to describe it.
Also OP, zoom has an option to have a green screen background up (I use my company logo). I did that cause my apartment can be messy and I didn’t want that on my screen. That would be a way to keep you from appearing in the background.
My employer provided beautiful scenic shots from the local area.
I use photos of the worst areas of the city when in internal meetings. Put our branding on there and everything. 😆
Omg that’s hilarious. Totally going to do that.
This made me chuckle. Thank you!
The back alley with the stray dog having a shite is just *chef's kiss*
You don’t even need a green screen. You can put pretty much any picture behind you.
That’s what I meant by green screen. I am very much a technologically challenged millennial. But it works in the way like the weather channel green screen image works, which is why I used that phrase. But yes any photo works.
They do have a green screen option too, but it requires buying a green screen. That’s why I mentioned it :)
NTA The spare bedroom would be the best option. I worked from home for five years, and I was nearly always on video calls. I set up my desk so there was a wall behind me and I was looking forward to the hall, kitchen, etc.
I do my meetings in the middle of the solar system lol it's great for keeping my unmade bed out of shot lol
Maybe suggest one of those room divider things too. It would help with both the visual and noise issues on her end.
That's a really good idea, thank you! If the conversation goes well I'll mention that to her and see
I bought a couple bifold closet doors panels on clearance and attached them with hinges to make my own room divider
Also, I work for a top level tech company, have spent many hours on video calls - etiquette is that you ignore other people or pets in the background unless they're disruptive, and even then it's more like "hang on a second, I want to take a screenshot of your kids playing Spiderman in the window" vs. anger. Her expectations are unreasonable and unrealistic, assuming you aren't deliberately being loud or obnoxious, walking through frame should be fine.
NTA but I’m sorry say that your mom is and she sounds like a bully. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
Do you think she wants you to move out? It sounds like she's trying to make it clear to you that you aren't welcome in the space anymore.
She actually gets offended when I bring up moving out to her, theres other reasons why she offers for me to stay at the house beyond the rent I pay. I do a lot of the cleaning she can't get to bc of work, run errands for her when I'm off, stuff like that
So she probably wants the space to herself but also wants rent and cleaning from you at the same time. It's unreasonable to ask you for that so instead of saying what she wants she's trying to get what she wants by making you feel uncomfortable. It's pretty awful. You could try calling her out but unfortunately it's likely that the only solution is to leave.
"Mom, I am afraid that the only solution to this is for me to leave, but I don't know how im going to do it. And I don't really want to. But it's gotten to the point that I'm walking on eggshells around you. Can you help solve this?" Then give specifics, and mention that you have to be silent and invisible while she deliberately makes noise. Ask again what the solution is.
If she gets pissed and says "move out" then say "okay, I'll work on that. I think I can get a job that will let me save for it. I'll be working during the times I normally clean, so let's divide up the chores."
Op, you and I have the same mum, and I'm sorry to say there's no winning here. Your mum want control, and if she can't get it on this she'll get it somewhere else.
Do you think you can occupy yourself for a full day outside of the house? It sucks a lot I know, but if you can hole up at a Cafe or a library from 9-5? At least you would get to eat lunch
Definitely have a talk with her but I wouldn’t begin by saying “I’m not going to put up with it any more” as that’s just going to get her back up.
Realistically if you ignore her instructions and just go to the kitchen etc anyway, what is she actually likely to do about it seeing as you say she doesn’t want you to move out?
They have very pretty (and reasonably affordable) room divider screens that could fix a big part of the problems you are having about being able to move freely in the home.
She should be using a virtual background or folding screen behind her and a headset mic combination. This is a pretty standard work-from-home set up and it's unprofessional and weird that she'd rather bully you and ultimately have an inferior online meeting experience than just use the same equipment we all use to wfh.
You're moving back to school in about a month, right? If it was me, I would just stop following her ridiculous rules. If it's actually that embarrassing to her that you are doing things like walking down the steps in your own home, she'll move her stuff. If it's about control (which is almost certainly is), she will flip out for a month, but you can live your life and move back to school in a month.
And the shoving her around, not ok.
Yeah, actually that is it. Who is the apartment rented to?
The fact that this kid thinks she can tell her mom what she’s going to put up with is very telling. Grow up and move out.
Of course it would. You turn 18, you figure your shit out. Your parents don't have to put up with you in their hair ad infinitum.
I hope you were being sarcastic.
If not: never have children.
18 is not a magical number (and no matter the age, 12 or 18 or 25, you do not treat your housemembers like that: making them feel that they have to walk on eggshells).
I am 46. I do not want to take care of children, so have designed my life accordingly. Your fucking parents are NOT FUCKING RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE
Edit: have you ever imagined what it is like to have a kid? You fucking try your best, but then you GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
Relax, breath in breath out.
Not wanting to take care of children is certainly your prerogative. (at the same time parenting an 18yo old is not the same as parenting a 5yo or even a 16yo: even 2 years in between can make a huge difference) .
However, I repeat, 18 is not a magic number. While you do become an adult in the eyes of the law, it doesn’t mean you have everything in order to start living alone. Some 18yo are ready, sure. But most aren’t, and that isn’t something to be ashamed about either. Teenagers becoming 18 shouldn’t suddenly be seen as a burden, actually: no matter what the age: no child should be seen as a burden, or as something you should just tolerate and barely pay attention to.
And I’ll state that any parent or guardian who kicks out their 18yo child/foster child is an AH - Unless there are severe reasons like drug-use, severe misbehaving towards other family members (stealing, physical abuse, mental abuse,…) and you need to protect yourself or other family members from them. (Elderly/parent abuse does indeed exist).
That is clearly not the case here, with OP. So yeah, your comment (the one above that is downvoted at the moment) is totally inappropriate.
Op is paying rent, and even if she wasn’t paying rent, I repeat: you do not treat housemembers like OP’s mum is doing. No matter what the age, no matter what the (family) relationship. Walking on eggshells? Not going downstairs to get access to the kitchen because you might end up in the background? Not using the frickin three last steps of the stair?
OP is not asking to be allowed to blast open her speakers and listening to loud music. She is asking to live normally in a home, having access to a kitchen and be able to use the stairs as they are meant to be used.
You don’t stop being a parent once your child becomes 18. Nor when they are 30 or 40 or whatever age. Sure, the expectations and the support for them will/does change ;-) But when my mum broke her leg, my (at that time) 80yo grandma was the first to arrive at the hospital the next day. When a former classmate suddenly died, my mum was there to comfort (at the time) 27yo me. Most parents will keep seeing their (adult) child(ren) as one of the most precious things in their lives.
Also, about your edit: Does one have to adapt their lives when having children? Sure. It doesn’t mean you should stop living your life, and that life has to wait until they are out of the house. Compromises have to be made, but that's life in general.
**If you are sincere in this post** (because honestly, it does read like troll-like behaviour) **and are stressed or even traumatised about what you yourself have experienced** (whether or not it involves having (adult) children, perhaps even against your will), **I do suggest that you seek out help: call a hotline, talk with your doctor, look for a psychologist, talk with a dear friend, or find a support group.** Just to give you some options that you might not have thought about.
Oh you're a qualified mental health professional?
A barely 2h old account and this is "your first comment"?
I won't be taking the bait. Go fish somewhere else
Thought so. It's strange why so many people on this sub feel qualified to diagnose random strangers with nothing more than a 20 second conversation. It's always so blatantly insincere too. I suppose advice subs attract hero narcissists.
Reread my last paragraph, study up some grammar if it still isn't clear that I am only making a few suggestions IF something is the case.
Advising (or suggestion to) someone to go look for help, is not making a diagnoses, it's trying to make aware that there is help out there if/when needed.
btw I do work in healthcare
I was actually trying to be nice and polite to someone who shared their opinion in a way that set allarm bells off in my head. It's better to show/tell there are ways to find help out there than not say anything at all. If not for the person I was replying to, then for another reader who might be feeling like that.
Yeah you all do the same thing and write in the same tone of faux concern and it isn't slick.
>btw I do work in healthcare
I didn't ask if you changed incontinence diapers. I asked if you were a qualified mental health professional, rhetorically, because you clearly are not.
Please take your meds and move on.
i just read through some comments -- if you're already paying split rent, what's the difference in sharing a space/rent with your mom and sharing a space/rent with a roommate?
you can't control your mom's work schedule, and as the (adult) daughter of a dad who works from home, i can attest that the noise request is reasonable. but a 20yo shouldn't have to stay in their room all day.
it really sounds like you've both outgrown the current living situation. mom needs a space all her own to work in and you need to be able to use whatever stairs you want
It sounds like OP just pays rent to stay there a couple months at a time in between semesters. I would guess
a) she stays on college campus likely pays to stay somewhere that either she isn’t allowed to stay between semesters or is too expensive (campuses jack up costs so much)
b) any place month to month would be hugely expensive
And c) she likely keeps some of her stuff there while at school which, if she were to move out, would mean she has a TON of stuff to move every few months.
Apparently OP only stays there during breaks. To which I can understand why mom doesn’t want to move upstairs for something that’s only going to be an issue for a quarter of the year. They need to put a screen or other divider behind mom, and mom needs to get over having to hear every little sound.
NTA, I recognize this behaviour, she doesn’t consider it to be your home anymore (probably due to your age) you just live in her home. It’s only gonna get worse. You could remind her that you pay rent and you’re allowed to exist in your own home, but I don’t even think it’s gonna change much if she already has so little respect for you. I’m sorry this is happening to you
That's really kind of you to say, thank you. Unfortunately this is one area of many in our relationship where things are kind of tense. I just hope that she's open to discussing boundaries.
Don’t take all the YTAs to heart too much, redditors tends to be exceptionally individualistic, for better or for worse. So usually any issue where someone is technically allowed to do something (even if that thing is rude) they will side with that person , it’s a "nobody owns you anything" mindset… hence all the "her house her rules" comments. Of course real life is more complicated than that and living in a community comes with responsibilities and you do in fact own people multiple things… like, you know, basic human decency toward the person you live with and willingly put into this world
That's very true, it's not a black and white situation, and the same is true of most things in life. Thank you for your sweet words :)
NTA. If there's a place for her to work where she won't be disturbed and you can make a freaking sandwich without getting yelled at then what's her problem? You're only there on school breaks and paying rent during that time so you should be able to actually live while you're living there.
I don't understand Americans' obsession with children paying rent to parents in clearly formative years???? That’s crazy
Only some people feel this way. I’ve never really come across it. In some circumstances, sure, it might make sense — but when you’re still college-aged? That’s weird.
In Spain, the general norm is that parents are obligated to house and fed children until 26 if they have never left the home, they study etc
TIL that 20 years of age is still considered "formative." Let me know when you are fully formed, thanks.
Technically it doesn't happen until 25-30 but not many people are still staying with their parents up until then.
And 20 can still be formative depending on life stage. The worst of my mothers mental health issues were when I was around that stage, and it fucked me up good and proper.
I was referring to formative age as in educational. Not brain formative age.I understand is a cultural thing but for me talking about a 20 year old paying rent to their parents is just crazy.
NTA OP. Your mother is being very purposefully inconsiderate because she thinks she can get away with it and doesn’t value your space or comfort in her home. (Cause like another comment or said, there’s no way she views this as your home too) I understand her wanting you to keep it down within reason. But to choose a high traffic area of the house as your work station and ask that your adult child tip toe around the house, skip stairs and do not use the kitchen during daytime hours? Disgustingly controlling and worrisome behavior. Please don’t listen to people on here telling you to be happy you have a place to live. Your mother sounds very self absorbed to say the LEAST and is purposefully not compromising because she wants you to be uncomfortable. You are her 20 year old working daughter that is also in school. You are NOT A burden or lazy kid looking for a handout. You want to be treated like respect and allowed to EXIST in a place that you live with YOUR MOTHER and PAY RENT. You have to literally TIP TOE around the house but she sees nothing wrong with violating your boundaries. If you were a spoiled brat asking that your mom quit because you want to use the home computer that would be one thing but this is a very valid request. It’s so unfortunate that parents are allowed to be complete, unrelenting AH to their children and the children are supposed to shut their mouths, ignore their basic needs and be grateful to be in an environment that invalidates them. You are right to tell her she’s driving you up the wall. You obviously aren’t in the position to make demands or give ultimatums but I understand your frustration. Good luck ❤️
Thank you for your compassion :) it's a tough situation all in all
This. Your mother is doing this on purpose. When you move out go NC. Drop her ass.
She's a grade A narcissist. Plain and simple.
She will continue to batter you until you leave.so save up and move out.
>She will continue to batter you until you leave.so save up and move out.
Then she'll cry that she's leaving
NTA respect goes both ways. Yea I understand she is working and she owns the house but still. You try to accommodate for her but she never does for. Sounds like she is the Asshole.
NTA, quit accommodating her. Make average noise, and don't apologize for needing to use the apartment. If she gets mad, that's her problem
If she won't piss off upstairs, make the spare bed toom your living room, with a microwave and a mini fridge. Make the bed into a sofa.
NTA. If you pay her rent you have the rights of a tenant regardless of the family connection and that means right of way in common areas. You can literally sue for your rent back, not that I recommend it with family (I did it to a roommate with similar habits and they changed behavior to get me to drop the small claims suit)
The shoving is abuse. The whole dynamic is abusive but the shoving is a literal assault and you should make noise about it while her mic is on if she thinks that is a professional work from home behavior.
I don't think you can "tell her you're not going to put up with her working from home" but, if you're paying rent, you can ignore her sh\*t and push back when she pushes you. She gets mad at you for walking down the stairs? What if you get in a fight with her over that while she's on a call?
It kinda seems like she really just wants you to move out.
Why the hell doesn’t your mom use one for those Zoom/Teams backgrounds so that people can’t see her stairs or her kitchen?! That’s insane. At the bare minimum, she can blur the background.
Also it sounds like she’s not even using headphones with a microphone, which greatly reduces background noise getting picked up.
At a bare minimum, ask her to do these two things and help her do them if she’s not tech savvy.
This makes me so sad for you. You’re NTA OP. Your mom is being really terrible to you, I’m really sorry you are going through this.
You pay rent, you’re allowed to use the kitchen. Your mom sounds awful
Sure, you could tell her you won't put up with it, but realistically since you can't afford to leave, there is not much you can actually do to force her to stop working downstairs. If you just made noise against her wishes, who's to say she won't put you out? It really seems like she's being so obnoxious because she wants you out. NTA for being upset, but you have very few actual options here.
NTA for existing. My husband and I had this issue when he volunteered to work nights & wanted me to take 4 kids(one infant and one toddler) and just - leave the house all day, every day! To hell with homeschool routines and nap time. We had to come up with ways to make it work, because in a household, one person's needs do not trump the needs of every one else!
If anyone treated a roomie the way she thinks she can treat you, they wouldn't have a roommate for long. That's obnoxious.
Zoom can blur the background. If she's so concerned about you appearing on screen, she's got that option. There are other options she has to make her workplace more professional, it doesn't take banishing you to your room during her working hours.
You would not be the asshole to just live your life, as long as you're not purposely sabotaging her job.
But there will be consequences, if you do. Right now you are paying rent so she can not kick you out without a 30 day notice.
However, instead of trying to find a place of your own, why not ask around your college and talk to people who classmates of yours, go to the student areas to find out if anyone needs a roommate and what the current rents are for such. You may not be able to get a place by yourself, but surely sharing an apartment would that not be in your budget.
The working downstairs, that is a power move, and she is right it is her house. However the conditions are no longer livable for you there, and there is a bit of abuse there as well, by her towards you. Course she dismisses them as "Accidents" And she did not see you or know you were there.
So I would say move out. When she complains about it, wait until she is done talking and tell her this: Mom I love you, but this is not working for me. It is unreasonable that I have to stay in my room all of that time with your office down here. You are right this is your house, and you get a say. However, I think it would be wise for me to get my own space, live my life and you live yours. I would rather we part on good terms and talk, maybe visit every so often when you are not working. If not, and I have to stay here, then there is a good chance that when I do leave, you may lose a daughter and wonder one day where I went, how I am doing and find out second hand about things that you will not be invited to. So lets just say I am moving out on this day and you can have the whole house to yourself as you want it.
So I would say that is your goal to move out and away from home that way she can. If you create too much of a mess, your mother will retaliate and it may not be so pleasant and you may end up homeless if she is as controlling as you have protrayed her to be.
NTA. Unfortunately I have only stirring the pot solutions. Calculate what percentage of the apartment square footage your bedroom makes up and tell her that you'll only be paying that % of whatever you have been paying until and unless she moves to the spare and saving the rest to move out. Or next time she gets physical in the kitchen say, very loudly as as close to her mic as possible "Mom, why did you hurt me?" If she thinks you appearing in sweats in the background makes her look bad....
(probably don't do either of these, ignore what your mom feels about you moving out and save everything you can so that you can do that. Don't give her a penny above your agreed upon rent money, even as a loan or favor in case it gets "lost" to keep you under her thumb longer. Ask around about roommates and such.)
Stop paying rent, if she wants to control everything she can't have it both ways.
NTA you need to move out. Or else pack her work crap up and move it to the spare room or else you’re moving out. You said she doesn’t want you to go - call her bluff. I work from home too and I purposely set my office up in a spare room so other people can freely roam the rest of the house. She’s not being considerate at all
NTA, and her shoving you around in the kitchen is insane! That’s one of the most dangerous rooms in a house, and often times there’s water/dampness on the floor. Who knows, maybe one day when she pushes you you fall and hit your head. Please try talking to her about it.
NTA. Withhold rent until she takes this seriously. She can’t charge you rent and then keep you from accessing common areas that are necessary for survival, like eating food out of the kitchen. When you talk about paying rent again, insist on writing out a contract including the issues that you mention here. It’s absolutely wild that she expects you to pay rent but then still wants to call it her home and run it like she owns it.
NTA If your mom wants to live alone then she needs to stop having you pay rent so that you can save enough money to put down on an apartment. She knows you can't afford to leave and she is taking full advantage of that by being controlling and abusive. If she's purposely being awful to force you out then she must not need your rent money that badly. I'd refuse to pay anymore. I'm not sure where you live but usually there are laws that prevent someone from being evicted from their housing.
The answer is clear. Break every one of her rules, run up and down the stairs all day, yell and scream until she does the sensible, considerate thing and moves upstairs,
NTA, your mom claims to prefer to have you there, but seems to be working awfully hard to make you feel unwelcome in your own home.
NTA. The fact that she’s being cruel (laughing at you when you express discomfort), abusive (physically pushing you into furniture), insensitive to your needs (you can’t even prepare food or wash your hands), goes way beyond the working from home issue and veers into abuse. How soon will you be done with school? You need some space from her and to take some time to reflect on whether or not you are in an abusive situation.
NTA. You pay rent, that means you get a say so in things. Not only that, this a home, not an office. If she's that bothered by it and you've tried talking to her, try fighting fire with fire. She can't say she doesn't want you to move out then treat you like you're a naughty child. If she wants you to stay, she should act like it. I'm not sure what you told her but if she's not listening then just keep living. You're not paying rent to sneak around your own home. If it bothers her, there's a quiet place upstairs.
NTA - if she is going to treat you as though you don't have a right to a home where you pay rent (it doesn't matter that it's low) and you run errands for her, stop paying rent and running errands. You should also look into staying at school or in the school area rather than your mom in the summers and between semesters. Lots of students work and do this. Your mom sounds a bit abusive.
Maybe your mom will be open to moving her office when you are home from school and then you could help her put it back when you go back to school.
Info: Are you sure you can't afford to move out? You pay rent now, have you looked into what people who rent rooms or have roomies pay for in your area?
The rent I pay is much smaller than what I'd need to be able to afford even a shared living situation in this area, I make up for it by doing a lot of the cleaning around the house on the weekends and covering my own food expenses.
Are you sure about that? I live in one of the most expensive cities in my state (and maybe country) and I've always been able to find shared living situations in my budget.
I say this because 'I can't move out I can't afford it' was something I would tell myself when I live with my emotionally abusive unreasonable mother as well, but it was all I'd ever known and I was honestly afraid to go out on my own.
YWNBTA, but it's really hard to get through to parents who act like this. Impossible, really. It sounds like it's been years and she's refused to change. And really, what can you do? It's her home. You pay to live there and you can ask her to change and adjust, but do you honestly think that's going to get through to her?
At this point I think you may want to look into other options.
Honestly the longer it goes on the more I really think about just doing what I can to make it work. There's other reasons why she wants me to stay at home between semesters, but yeah. I've tried looking into it but the only way I move out is if I lived an hr away- from her but also from my school and my job.
Hmmmm that doesn't give me a good feeling I'm sorry. Honestly, when this happened to me and friends, it was BECAUSE our parents were so controlling and unreasonable they wanted us to stay home into adulthood.
Because they will always have reasons for you to live at home. Now, a year from now, five years from now. And as time goes on they will behave more and more unreasonable and become more demanding as well.
I don't know what more to say than I've seen first hand these kinds of situations and I think you're far better off if you can get out sooner rather than later. Someone yesterday posted about living with their controlling, unreasonable mother who wanted them to not leave home either. They were 27.
I think if you double check for yourself, you might find a lot of good places to live. For example, a lot of unis have reduced housing OR even allow you free rooms if you are an RA in exchange.
Just something to consider. Ask yourself if you want to keep living with this kind of pressure.
my thoughts exactly -- this arrangement isn't working anymore for mom or for OP
And if they were roommates? Would your answers be different? He pays rent. He's due every kind of consideration as any other tenant regardless of whose house it is.
NTA. It appears as if she is going out of her way to make you feel unwelcome and miserable. You should do whatever you can to find a roommate and move out.
NTA - you’re kinda stuck right now because of finances but like other redditors have said - sit down and discuss with her how you don’t feel welcome in your own home anymore. I’d honestly even go further and wouldn’t even engage with her anymore if she can’t even offer basic respect and understanding for you and your needs while she boggarts a whole kitchen to herself. And TBH - the reason your mom doesn’t want to move to the guest room is because she has control issues and the office in the kitchen is to control how you behave while she’s working …. Like I said, give her a taste of what being almost no contact is like because not only is she being a controlling butthead, it sounds like she’s bullies you as well( purposely shouldering you out of the way into counters and cabinets? Either she’s Helen Keller or a bully ) - disengage with her while you’re there and find time away from home with friends/ family or even the library if you need internet.
NTA, no one deserves to be pushed around in a place they call home especially by their own Mother. So sorry!
OP, you wouldn't be the AH. There's a spare room right there, your mom is being unreasonable by monopolising shared space. .
However, you have no leverage here. Your choices are to suck it up or leave, and as leaving doesn't seem to be an option for now you are going to have to suck it up.
NTA, but I have trouble imagining that this is going to work. You don't have much leverage. She sounds like a bit of a narcissist; if she can't see that her behavior is awful, then a polite chat about it is not going to help much.
All I can think of is trying to use what leverage you have. Can you stop paying rent until she lets you use the place you're renting? Or start deliberately being loud and poorly clothed while she's on video calls? But there is a danger there; if she gets fired, neither of you is going to have a place to live.
NTA. I work from home, and we are in the process of adding doors to the formal dining room so it can be more private (it’s currently my office). It’s ridiculous that she won’t move upstairs if she’s going to be on the phone all day. But even if she doesn’t, there are noise canceling headphones that she can get that will keep any reasonable noise you make from being heard by whoever she’s on the phone with. I do suggest you have a talk with her and if she starts being defensive, start looking for ways to move out (talk to friends at school and see if enough of you go in together whether it would be possible for you to leave).
NTA. I’m the person who’d move the set-up to the spare bedroom when mom is out of the house, and then refuse to move it back to the kitchen when she freaks out.
Maybe make the spare room into a mini kitchen for yourself so you don’t have to go downstairs as often. Get a mini fridge, wet wipes, cheap microwave, etc.
NTA Can you stay at an AirBnB during your breaks? Some of them are really cheap. Your mom seems like she doesn’t really want you around.
OP, your mom isn't treating you like you are welcome in your home- and not letting you use the basic facilities of your house is not ok, regardless of whether you do or don't pay rent. You're still a person.
I think a lot of people are getting caught up on the title, my guess is you're considering setting boundaries with your mom not telling her that she can't work in her house lol. If you do mean that then... yeah YWBTA
NTA. I’m wondering if the resistance to being in a bedroom is because you’re not there year round and it’s much easier to grab a drink or snack or whatever in between calls if you’re right there. Or if she’s wireless even while she’s on a call, or to put something on the stove and monitor while you’re working. Far from excuses the way she’s been treating you, that’s unreasonable if you’re there more than a few days and there is another potential workspace in the home
NTA your mum sounds really controlling and nasty. She wants you to stay in the house so as she can keep up her controlling ways and abusive behaviour. Have you another relative or friend you can shate with out of term time? If so get out before she destroys your mental health.
NTA. I honestly think you should've had this conversation long ago, this is no way to live!
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My (20f) mom (60f) has been working from home since the start of covid. This change meant that I had to be more aware of the noise I made around the house when I was home and whatnot, but over the past few years her behavior and demands have become unmanageable to live with.
She insists on having her work area downstairs, right next to the kitchen and the staircase. We live in a small apartment, which means that sound carries really easily and that when she’s on work calls- which is most of the day- I can’t really use the lower level of the house at all. There’s been times where she has snapped at me for accidentally dropping something or turning on the sink at a bad time, she’s told me that I walk too loud downstairs and that I need to tip toe if I’m gonna be down there. She’s also told me that I can’t use the last three steps on the stairs because they’re in the view of her camera on her computer, and people would see me in the background of her zoom calls. I’ve even been yelled at for “looking inappropriate” when I’m using the kitchen while she’s on zoom, me being there in comfy clothes embarasses her and makes her look unprofessional. She also has a bad habit of pushing me around when I’m in the kitchen. She’s knocked me into the cabinets pretty hard before, and when I’ve tried to say something to her or let her know I’m behind her, she just shushes me and points at her phone. It’s gotten to the point where the only room in the house I feel allowed to be in is my bedroom, and even then, I’m not allowed to play anything out loud in here during the day and I have to keep my door shut.
The thing is, we have a spare bedroom upstairs. I’ve asked her many times why she doesn’t set up her office there- it would be much quieter and private. I’ve even offered to move everything upstairs myself, rearrange the stuff we have in there so it all fits. Her response is no, that she likes where she’s at right now, and that it’s rude of me to suggest that when it’s her home. But it’s my home too, and I feel like I can barely do the most basic things here. I go most days without eating a full meal until the night time, when she’s off work and I can use the kitchen.
The most frustrating part is that she doesn’t expect the same consideration of herself when I am on the phone. There have been times where I have come downstairs while being on the phone with my partner, friends, or other family, and she has deliberately made a bunch of noise or started trying to push her way into the conversation, usually while laughing at me when I get upset. At this point, I’m not sure what else to do. I can’t afford to move out, and I’ve tried all that I can to work with her and accommodate her working from home. But, I just can’t do it anymore. I’m angry and tired of being controlled so much, I’m considering just putting my foot down and saying to hell with it. Would I be the asshole for telling her I’m no longer going to put up with her behavior while she works from home?
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There’s not much you can do except save up to move out as soon as you can. You’re NTA for wanting to talk to her about the issue, but I don’t see much happening. I would agree with the other commenters that a heart to heart would be best to see if you could figure something out like maybe adding a divider
It’s a very difficult situation to be in with a parent who states they want you there only for their every behavior contradict that. With her numbing into you in the kitchen and lack of boundaries interjecting herself in your calls I doubt she will be open to conversations about you telling her what she can do. Best advice I can offer is to have a polite but very frank conversation with her about your need to move around the house during her working hours. How far along are you in college? To know what time frame you are looking at before graduation.
It is the stairs!! Joints don't agree with going up and down the stairs. If she works downstairs she is central to everything.
LOL, YTA. It's your mother's house and although I feel that she is being unreasonable controlling and even abusive at times it's her house. At 20 years old you don't get to put your foot down about anything, it's her house. I would suggest you getting a job and save out and find your own place. I do believe she can move upstairs and it would work better for everyone but that is not your decision to make, it is her house.
NTA. Do you have any friends you could stay with? Is it possible to just stay on campus?
You have a few ways to go about this. The kind way, or the petty way.
Instead of giving that rent to her, is there a friend or acquaintance who has a couch you can crash at? You can keep your stuff stored at the house but just not live there. Stop going home and tell your mom she has made it inhospitable because she refuses to compromise for the few months you’re there. Call her bluff on you moving out.
Or you could teach her about virtual backgrounds and buy her some noise canceling headphones. They aren’t cheap but they are very effective (there’s also an all called krisp or krispr that can block out audio) so she would be less bothered by noise. Honestly, you aren’t asking for a lot so it’s ridiculous she’s being so self-centered.
How expensive is your tuition? If taking a loan would set you back 10k, as long as you made regular payments once you got a decent job you’d be debt free pretty quick.
I stayed in a bad situation at home for way too long because I couldn’t afford to move out, so I feel for you. But come up with an exit plan for after college, because what are you going to do if you BOTH work from home???
NTA. Your mom is being weird. We know that other people live with people who work from home, she doesn’t have to hide you to be “professional.” Can I not see if she does or doesn’t have pants on? That’s professional enough for me.
Zoom backgrounds work really well now .. if she blurs or puts a picture nobody sees your home.
Noise cancelling headphones are also perfect. Buy her a jabra headset or similar. Nobody needs to tiptoe or hide anymore , you just need to use the technology properly.
What do you think is going to happen if you tell her you don’t like the way you’re treated while she’s working? Like what outcome are you looking for? Your mother is 60 years old…she knows she’s being rude to you.
NTA. All the other comments summed it up, but a modicum of respect needs to be shown towards her adult daughter who isn’t doing anything wrong. I’m so glad I have calm and rational parents when I read posts like these.
My suggestion if you are already paying rent then go rent an apartment with a friend or roommate. It's plenty of people renting rooms.
If you can't reason with your mom then that's the only option you really have.
Leaning toward YTA .... I understand your situation (20, college student, home during breaks, can't afford to move out) However, it doesn't matter how much you contribute or if you pay rent; it's her apartment and her choice. Make it a point to leave during the day....
Out for a walk a couple times; join a fitness class; go out and sit in a park or Cafe for a bit.... find like minded individuals for socials etc....
Is it fair you have to be so quiet? Prolly not, especially when there's a spare room that provides an easy solution.... BUT it's her place and her preferences 🤷🏼♀️
this is a tough situation, but YTA. it is her house and she can ask whatever she wants from you while you live there. your best option would be to move into a shared apartment with roommates if you don’t want to follow the home owners rules - even if they are a bit out there.
INFO: Do you pay rent?
Yep, I pay a small rent for staying here in between semesters at uni. The rest I make goes to paying for my tuition and my groceries.
Quite frankly if you pay rent you get to use the common areas when you want to. If she wants to treat you as a ~~prisoner~~ child then you can stop paying her to live there.
There are so many people that would want a house sitter or have a spare room and want a little extra cash for these short term breaks.
She’s enjoying bullying and breaking you down and it’s not fair. Not to mention essentially telling you to starve so you don’t ‘ruin’ her professional look on camera. Like wtf.
I’m a mom of 5 who are all home on break every day. My husband works from home with zooms daily. I do my best to keep the younger two kids from brawling but people also understand that we work from home and not everything is flawless. Your mom is unhinged. Especially if there’s a spare room she could be using.
You should add an edit to your original post saying you pay rent.
Thanks for the advice, the edit is made :)
Info: who's home is it? Do you pay rent?
It's my mom's apartment, and yes I do pay rent.
I was already to say why YTA and now I’m going with NTA Assuming she wants you to live there.
But be prepared that she’ll tell you to move out…
NAH. It is her house and she can do what she wants. You contribute to the rent and it’s reasonable to want to move around the house. However, you can’t force her to move. You’re only there for a few weeks.
Youre 20, you can't really tell your mom what to do in her own home, as annoying as it may be. Move out, I know you said you couldn't afford to but you don't ha r to move out alone. Find roommates to split renting costs. Trust me, you'd be happier in your own space.
Not sure if you are an AH, but don't think you will win this battle because all it will end up in is her telling you that if you don't like it to leave.
NTA bit it is her house and it's temporary so you'll just have to deal. Can you go out during the day, find a library or park to hang out in?
NAH - your mom is sending you hints. Trust me
Who's house is it? Your house, your rules NTA.
Her house, her rules, and 'Not going to put up with it'? Oh, REALLY? YTA.
YTA, you're plenty old enough to live on your own, so rather than tell your mom!! That you aren't "putting up with 🤣) her work you need to find other accommodations.
Unfortunately its HER house, not yours. Want to live there? Follow the rules, even the new ones.
It’s her house. If you don’t like it, move out otherwise comply to your mother.
Ultimately- stop being so entitled. You may not like it but it’s her space 100% of the year and you are only there temporarily. Your mom doesn’t owe you anything to make you comfortable.
When I go to my parents, I have to abide by their rules as I am under their roof. I help them with their mortgage but it’s still their home. I own my own home and do what I want there.
Suck it up.
> Your mom doesn’t owe you anything to make you comfortable.
Mom certainly owes it to not throw her into the kitchen cabinets. Why is everyone ignoring that little detail?
Her mom also doesn't want her to move out, strangely enough. I wonder why that may be...
YTA. Since this is her home, you aren't exactly in a position to tell her that you "aren't going to put up with her working from home anymore." That's outrageously presumptuous of you, and even if you pay a small rent (as you say), you are still not entitled to tell her what you are and aren't going to "put up with" her doing in her own home. It's not as if she's engaging in illegal or inappropriate behavior. She's literally just working from home and asking you to respect her workspace.
If you aren't comfortable with doing that or you simply can't for whatever reason, there's an alternative: Move out.
Her moms being an ass though?
I didn't mean it like a complete rejection of her working from home. I am and have always been happy to be quieter and more considerate with her working from home. It's more so that it's escalated to a point where I can't really do the stuff I need, like make food, when she's working.
ESH. Your mom is being quite rude, but it is her house and if you don't like it, you should move. If you can't afford to live on your own, find roommates. If you can't find roommates, can't afford anywhere else alone, can't handle your current living conditions, and your requests are being ignored then you either need to suck it up or find a higher paying job/ work more hours.
NAH i can understand it's frustrating but your mom is not looking like she cares about your comfort. It's her house, her rules. Your only option is to stay less at home while she is at work and also u taking up some part time job or sit in your campus library until you can move out. Basically deal with it until you can afford otherwise .
I am working, and I do what I can to stay out usually when I'm at work. It's mainly that I can't really use the kitchen to make food, and eating out is expensive.
Can you get one of those hot plates/ electric cooktops to keep in your room or a mini fridge/ microwave and stock up?
So her mom doesn’t need to change her behavior at all? She’s treating her kid horribly
Like I said her mom doesn't look like she is willing to change. So what is OP supposed to do? Break her head against a wall ?
I've looked into it, but my mom is pretty strict about food leaving the lower level. She also lets guests use my room when I'm gone, and is pretty insistent about not adding any clutter in there.
Have you considered moving out? That would solve all your problems
Yta her house her rules. Don't like it? Move out
YTA. You're allowed to be as annoyed as you want but it's hilarious that you think you can "put your foot down" when you can't afford to live elsewhere and she is the sole wage earner.
You would be the AH, go find something to do during the day that takes you out of the house between 9 and 5.
It's her job, it's her home, you don't get to dictate what goes on.
INFO...is it your mother's home? If so your options are to comply or move out.
You're NTA for feeling the way you do. It sounds like your mom doesn't even like you or want you there. That sucks.
However, YTA if you think making demands is going to get you anywhere. You've got to come up with a plan and execute it, not just gritch and try to force the issue.
Lmfao you are not the owner of the home. Move out or deal with mommy's rules.
You may be TA here but you probably won't have a place to live.
ESH. Let me explain something that seems to have flown cleanly over your head: your mom does not want you living there anymore. She could have just said that, but for whatever reason, she doesn't feel like she can, so she's going this passive-aggressive route, which sucks.
You're supposed to get the message and start finding a place of your own, not start trying to lay down what you will and won't put up with. You'll put up with anything she dishes out, or you'll move out. That's how it works.
Completely disagree with this ruling even if that were the case. This passive-aggressive shit is super dumb and rude. If she wants something she can use her grown-up words and talk about it, not act like an asshole hoping she frustrates her kid into moving out and tanking the relationship. Also, OP pays rent!
Mom sounds like she's a pain but if she's giving you a roof over your head at below average rent you can either move out or follow her rules. NAH. It isn't her fault you can't afford to support yourself.
YTA, it’s your mums house, you don’t like something, move out. Why on earth you think you have any say in where your mum will be working from!? You sound very entitled!
It's 50/50, she pays rent towards it as well as the mom, not such a black and white situation.
Her edit says she pays rent
YTA - her job is more important than your social calls, it’s a false equivalent. She has a career to worry about, your calls with family and friends arent going to pay the bills, are they?
You are legally an adult, but you are still a kid. You have NO clue the difference between going to an office and having the luxury of working from home.
Suck it up until you can leave.
I'm not saying they're equivalent, I'm saying that it's a double standard- because when I am on the phone she specifically chooses to be disruptive thinking that its funny. My calls only go down during the evening when she is off work, it's not affecting her doing her job.
But you making noise DOES affect her job
If you don’t contribute to the expenses, YTA.
“Tell me your mom wants you to move out without your mom saying she wants you to move out.”
So move out. There’s a difference between being on the phone with friends and being on a work call. They’re not the same.
YTA It's not your house so either suck it up or move out. Simple
YTA and needs to leave her house
If you're not paying rent YTA
Easiest response ever
YTA. Her house her rules. Don't like it? Move out. Can't afford to move out? Get a job and move out. Go to college and live on campus. Etc etc.
You're 20yo adult and sound spoiled rotten. Time for a reality check.
I am in college, and I live on campus when my classes are in session, but that's all I can afford to cover. If I moved out , I'd have to ask my mom for help with my tuition because I don't make enough to cover both rent and my bills from school.
But it's her house. You don't have the right to impose your hang ups.
Op pays rent. Therefore she is a tennet. Mom sounds like an A AH. There is. No reason for her not use the spare room as an office. Op your NTA
Then she can pay rent somewhere else.
>There is. No reason for her not use the spare room as an office
Yeah, there is : it's called being her house.
YTA. It ain't your fucking house.
YTA. Feel free to move out.