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Sounds like it's time to stop living there. Short visits only, and abide by her rules for them. Otherwise, you're an adult and need to live independently elsewhere.


OP doesn’t live there… he said he only comes for short visits. But because his father passed, this is where he is staying a bit longer than usual.


He lives there. He's staying the entire summer.


Because his DAD DIED. Like…? His father just died.


Yes. That is true, and it's a tragedy, but I don't see why you disagree with the fact that he lives there.


The whole “my house, my rules” is understandable… but saying this adult cannot do certain things even outside of the house??? No. He’s living there because his dad died. Not because he wants to. But because he has to for a bit. Instead of being understanding of the fact the dad died, the mom is pushing ridiculous rules onto the ADULT when he is OUTSIDE of the home. I can understand the marijuana use. Especially when OP said he came home high at one point. But to dictate that an ADULT of legal drinking age not be allowed to drink outside the home, whether at another person’s house or a restaurant? Really? No. That’s ridiculous.


I mean I see no difference between marijuana and alcohol in this circumstance since they're both legal where OP lives.


I agree with you. But my reasoning is that since alcohol is more common, has been legal for longer, is more socially accepted than marijuana right now, & you can go to a restaurant & order it freely (when you’re of legal drinking age), I just see restricting OP from drinking alcohol when outside the house as ridiculous. I see restricting OP from marijuana when outside the house as ridiculous too. OP’s mom pulls the whole “my house, my rules.” So okay, fine. OP isn’t in her house with her rules when he does these things. Boo hoo to mom. Maybe coming home drunk/high isn’t the best idea… But OP isn’t doing these things inside her home. He’s doing them outside. So I believe OP is NTA.


Lol, and he's free to move out and do whatever he likes as an adult. His mother is under no obligation to house him at her own expense. I agree he should be able to do whatever he wants on his own time, as long as he is not disrupting the household. But I also agree that if you are living off the kindness of someone else, you respect their wishes, and if it is untenable, you have the right to leave. That's life, and it's fair.


No legal obligation ≠ the right thing to do. He just had his father pass away, god forbid he smokes a joint at his friends house two hours before he gets home.


It is so odd to me that people believe kids should never be able to come back home, even if they need to for a short time. I mean, his father just died recently too. You’d think the mother would be more understanding. I have never understood the concept of those who believe that once you’re an adult, your parents shouldn’t have to parent or help in any way, whether financially or emotionally or anything. You’re their child, forever. Not just till you’re 18. I’m 29, married, having a child soon, & live states away from my mom. But she has always said she’d help me if I need it, she’s always there for me, & I’m welcome to move back home whenever if I need to. Because I’ll always be her daughter. I wasn’t just her daughter till I turned 18 & now I’m just… not. I guess I’m thankful I have a loving parent who wouldn’t be overbearing & controlling in regards to things I do as an adult & would welcome me back with open & loving arms if I ever needed to stay at home for a short period of time like OP.


It’s her house. Minors live there. The moms being a little unreasonable, but not totally unreasonable. Ultimately it’s her house. Her rules. If he doesn’t like it he can leave. It’s life.


NTA, but it is her house. Stay somewhere else during the summer if you don't want to follow her rules.


It is her house, so she can ban alcohol and weed from the house, but she did not get to control what an adult does outside of her house. About the only thing she has a right to complain about is coming home late, and even then only if it is most nights or disruptive. OP should try staying over at his friends on these nights out, see if she will still be waiting up in the morning.


That’s true except in practice she is not gonna respect OP as an adult in this situation. I don’t think it’s worth it for OP to make a case of being a tenant, which leaves it as my way or the highway rules from the mom. Which sucks and isn’t fair. I hope she gets a dose of reality and apologized when her kid leaves, but a lot of parents suck and would only feel like a martyr.


Respect as an adult someone who gets drunk and high? NAAAH, let's see how OP reacts when his "adult" children does the same, by that time he will know the dangers he faced and the mistakes he made


Came here to say this. Yes, you are an adult, so be one and support yourself so you don’t have to follow her rules. YTA


“Be an ADULT, you adult-age, largely independent individual who is usually living at college and should be able to visit their mother’s home without having to tolerate abuse or be further crapped on by Reddit’s weird passion to justify any potential “house rules” because the collective hard-on for homeownership surpasses the ability to treat people with basic decency”


Nahh im 24 and live in my own home. Anytime I visit my family or friends I don't do anything that would seem disrespectful towards them. I can wait a few days if I really want to drink or smoke. I'm not going to walk into grandma's smelling like weed, yeah I didn't do it at her house but I know she disapproves so just easier to wait. Basic decency should also be extended to the person who's home you're staying in and if what they're asking is no drinking/smoking and come home at a decent time is that really unreasonable? Especially when if you disagree, you can leave and stay somewhere else since you are an adult and can make that decision.


Where's the abuse?


info: what's "kinda late" and what is her view of a reasonable "curfew?"


She’d probably want me home by like 10 or something, probably before everyone goes to bed. Late for her is like 12


Maybe don't stay with your mom then? Could you stay with a friend?


I have had some success telling my parents I need things a certain way as an adult and I don't want to move out but I'm going to have to if they didn't back off and be more kind and respectful, which they have been. You might want to tell her your plans are to move out since she has these boundaries and you respect her. The ball is in her court then. I assume you got some sort of inherentance from your dad (my condolences that must be so hard) perhaps you can get a place close to mom and hang out with her and your sisters during the day.


Only works if they arnt a narcissist


The problem is you never really lived with your Mom before. Suddenly your Mom has you at 21 and she kind of wants to reparent you and make you like she wants you to be. Your an adult now so that doesn’t work. Judging from your description your Mom isn’t going to be willing to compromise at all. Either you have to figure out a way to make this work for the summer or find another place to stay. Then you need to realize that Mom’s really isn’t an option for you to live at in the future. Start planning for when you graduate. You’ll need a job and a place to stay. Good Luck. NAH


YTA. Yes, you are old enough to choose your habits. However, you are staying with your mom. Whether you think of yourself as an independent adult guest in her house or as receiving temporary housing support from her because she's your mom, you do need to respect the rules for staying in her home. You may do your drinking and smoking elsewhere and may think that whatever time you come and go from the house has no impact on her or your little sisters, but it does. You can't come home reeking of something or noticeably drunk and think the others aren't affected. It's not about your mom controlling your actions all the time; it's about her controlling the impact of your actions on her, her home and her young children. What was reasonable for your dad does not have to be reasonable for your mom. As the owner of the house and the parent of the children, she gets to decide what is reasonable for her. If you can afford to live elsewhere, then you are free to continue living your life on your terms in your own space. If you need to stay with your mom for the summer, then you need to suck it up and respect her rules. You can certainly ask her to consider a few accommodations. For example, you will drink in moderation with your friends, but you won't smoke (weed) and won't come home drunk or reeking of alcohol. You will be home by midnight or will plan ahead to stay overnight at a friend's home. Look, you can still pay rent somewhere and have to follow the rules of the landlord (no smoking, no pets) or be a roommate and have to follow agreed upon house rules. You need to accept that her rules govern the limits of your impact on her home and her/the kids' lives.




Yeah, no, I've met a lot of 21-year-olds who thought they were good at hiding when they were drunk or stoned. Spoilers: they were not.


Hi, I’m 16. I walk down the street and immediately recognize the smell of weed. Once you smell it you identify it every time.






I feel as though she’s not the AH tho; she isn’t doing anything in mom’s house or around sisters. comes home when everyone is sleep so doesn’t disturb anybody. kinda seems like mom is making it her problem to stop her from smoking


>comes home when everyone is sleep so doesn’t disturb anybody If she's been drinking- at all- she's nowhere near as quiet as she thinks she is


And realistically coming home to a dead quiet house any sound will be a lot unless the house is huge. If my front door opened at midnight I'd be instantly awake on the opposite side of the house.


Garage door opens at 1 am? Obviously murderers and I’m already hiding in the closet


true I can see both sides of it. but depending on the moms age it kinda feels like she’s trying to turn OP into a mini version of her. like if mom was 42 and op is 21 I can see mom trying to make her act like mom under the guise of “house rules” then trying to enforce those house rules away from the house like when she’s back at school


It seems like lots of folks are (1) underestimating what it takes to suddenly raise two (traumatized by grief) kids by yourself without an additional, disruptive influence of an older sibling would be like, much less with one, (2) forgetting how bad people are at smelling themselves and/or judging our own sobriety, and (3) working off of loose and discordant ideas of the terms “adult” and “guest.” OP and mom have both suffered a life-altering loss, so I’m giving them an NAH and hoping they’ll both hold some empathy for one another.


Yes - well said. Having empathy for and giving grace to each other will go a long way to them finding a positive way forward and still together.


He only comes home sober now and it’s still not ok?


I'd find someplace else to stay if she wants to be like that.


YTA You're getting free housing, but not respecting the rules of that free housing. You could go rent a place for summer and have to pay for that.


AGREE! Sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it too. Mom's house, Mom's rules. You don't have to agree or like it. Moving out may not be an option but then tough cookies. OP is acting entitled. Save your pennies and move out.


Yep, if OP's housing there truly is free, they need to decide whether they want to live there and follow mom's rules or find a other place.


NAH. You are of age and it is your decision what you do, but it's also her house and her decision what she is comfortable to allow.


YTA. It’s her home and she has every right to set boundaries. If you don’t like them, get your own place. If you can’t afford to then follow the rules.


He’s a college student. Read the post twice before smugly riding in on that high horse


"I'm an adult with my own money" He's either a college student or a fully autonomous adult. Can't have it both ways.


I'm a college student so that has nothing to do with it. If I was staying with my grandmother I wouldn't come back late at night while smelling of weed because I know that would cause problems. I know my grandma's boundaries and rules and if I were to stay there I'd respect that. It's called being an adult which op loves to claim being 21 but doesn't know how to act like one


It doesn’t matter. If you are staying at someone’s home rent free, you need to respect their boundaries.


Your right to demand boundaries end when your policing someone else's activities away from your house.... but hey if "find a new place" is the path mom wants to take cause she's trying to exercise what little control she has on her now adult son then make sure not to wonder "why don't you visit as much anymore"


OP has only been at her mom’s house for 2 weeks and in that time had come back to the home drunk and high multiple times. I can understand the mom for wanting to place some rules down. OP didn’t even ease into it. Just went straight into party mode. Its pretty rude IMO.


nobody is saying she has no right to do this, but this kind of overbearing helicopter parenting is just rude when dealing with an adult who's spending some time at the house because his dad died. A reasonable boundary would be to not want drinking or smoking in the house and to stay at a friend's house if you have been (which as per the post he's doing).


YTA. Even if you are a adult, she is still your mother and her house. When you are a guest at someone’s house, you act by the rules of the owner of the house. It’s okay to not like the rules or do not want to follow them but than you stay somewhere else. If you want to stay at your mothers house, than you follow your mothers rules


“house rules” only apply to that…the house. if I smoke or drink and come home when everybody is sleep and you stay up waiting for me to come home so you can start issues then you’re looking for the problem i’d say. best advice is just move out


You're absolutely right, just move out and live how you wanna live.


"I wonder why you don't visit me anymore"- OPs mom when stops coming home from college.


When one of the house rules is to not come home late then that's causing a problem in the first place. But I agree best advice for op is to move out.


she just sounds controlling honestly, she doesn’t want daughter doing anything but being with her. especially when she comes in late to avoid seeing sisters when she’s in that state


The mom is definitely controlling, the not wanting op to do anything even outside the house isn't even a thing. But coming home late is a problem too. I think on those nights op should just stay at their friends and that should solve the problems. Mom has no way of knowing what op was doing besides hanging with friends and op gets to do what they want.


Good solution, I think both things can be true and staying out would probably resolve the coming in late issue until mom finds out that OP is staying out to do these things which might cause more pushback


That's true and I'm sure the mom will end up bringing it up. If the mom is just a super controlling person then there probably isnt a real winning situation here for OP. Maybe for next summer OP should look to see if they could stay over in the dorms. I know for my college it's an extra fee which sucks but they give out housing scholarships and it would be better than being stuck in this situation.


I'm going with NAH. But I think the thing to do is talk to your mom and say look, if your goal is to encourage me to become independent as soon as possible and stay away, it's working. I feel as though are are not treating me as an adult or speaking to me as an adult and I'd like to understand what that's about. I'd be willing to talk to you, as an adult, and see what we can work out that makes sense- if you're willing to do that. I don't understand your point about the girls because if I'm not waking them up when I get home- how are they affected by any of it? Be willing to listen and compromise. also, stay overnight at a friend's when you're gonna party so it's not an issue.


As long as your not high or drunk in her house (which valid. There are minors) it shouldn’t be a issue, your doing it at friends houses. She should not be commenting on what you do your a adult. I would get her worry if she was afraid you were gonna develop a substance abuse issue. Maybe that’s where she’s coming from. Cause despite it being “fun” it’s not and it’s mind altering stuff and it’s not uncommon for people our age to develop substance abuse issues and let it consume you. So many of my friends have, and she might also be worried that if your siblings know you are they might think it’s okay and develop addictions themselves. I think she’s trying to protect you


She has young teenagers living there. I can completely understand why she wouldn't want them to see their big brother coming home in the wee hours of the night smelling like alcohol or weed, regardless of whether it's legal or not. If you're going to live there (apparently for free?) then have some respect for the other occupants of the household (to be frank consistently coming home late, for reasons other than work or emergencies, is rude no matter what you've been doing because it can disturb the other household members who are asleep). Otherwise, if you think you're old enough to set your own rules then you're old enough to find your own place. YTA.


Cool. Then mom better not complain why they don't visit much anymore.....


Yeah. YTAH. It is her house and to people that don't smoke that smell is obnoxious. She has two young daughters that she is looking out for and as their older sister you should think about how you come back home. Your mom, above all else, wants you to be safe but you are in that "superman" stage where you think nothing bad could ever happen.




Not abiding by your mother’s rules given you’re 21 years old? No, that doesn’t make you an arsehole. Not abiding by your host’s rules when you’re staying with them? Absolutely YTA. A guest has responsibilities whatever their relationship with the host.


YTA - I personally think she’s screwing herself but it is her property. I am mom to a 17 year old. I would prefer he not do any of the things that you’re discussing, but let’s get real. My rules are 1. Don’t bring it on my property. 2. Don’t drive my vehicle under the influence. 3. Be where you are spending the night by midnight. I have to trust that I have instilled values and now it’s time for me to let him grow up.


See but those rules are all reasonable because the rules literally only apply to when they're dealing with your property. If OP says he's spending the night at a friend's house on nights he parties, I don't see how house rules can really apply.


Exactly! When I said YTA I only meant on her property. I’m sorry for not clarifying more.


I agree with this. I don't understand why OP doesn't just stay at the friends house when they were drinking and whatnot instead of coming home late. I feel like that would've solved most of the problems here.


YTA. The days you decide you want to get high and drink then stay at a friends house. Don’t just disregard the house rules she is setting.


I do stay at a friends house. I thought I made that clear, she doesn’t want me doing it point blank period. She basically wants to get to choose my lifestyle choices


Stay somewhere else then?


right? stay with the friend full time.


YTA not coming into her house obviously drunk and high around her kids isn't a difficult rule to follow. Pay for an appartment or hotel or stay wit your friends if you're so unwilling to respect her house


Did you read the whole thing? I don’t do that anymore. I stay at friends houses if I’m going to be drinking or something now.


Dude, it's been 2 weeks. You came in drunk/high at midnight multiple times in that span. It's too soon to claim you turned over a new leaf and have people believe you. Either earn trust by abiding by the rules over time, or get out. YTA.


Just stay at friends' houses period


YTA-- Her house her rules. Legality has nothing to do with it. If you don't like her rules, then go somewhere else. Otherwise, grin and bare it till you go back to college.


NAH. She's allowed to insist her house rules be followed by anyone staying there. You are not at all wrong to do as you please, but you should stay somewhere else.


YTA If you can't be discreet enough to avoid her knowing about your drinking and smoking, then make arrangements to crash at a friend's place on the nights you go out or make different living arrangements altogether.


It's her house her rules. People should never be uncomfortable in their home plus she's probably worried about you.


You are a guest in her home. If you don't like the rules she sets, maybe stay somewhere else?


It sucks, but it is her house and her rules. You are NTA, but do need to find somewhere else to live/rent in the summer if you want to be able to make your own lifestyle decisions.


Yta , but you’re an adult and can stay elsewhere if it’s an issue.


YTA. I can actually understand where your Mum is coming from. Just because something is legal, doesn't mean people have to be okay with it, especially around their young kids or in their own home. I wouldn't want someone in my own home around my young kids that was high either. If you want to do whatever you want, whenever you want, get your own place.


Yta I get your an adult and you can do as you please, my oldest daughter did the same kind of thing. But it is her home, so her rules still apply even when you're visiting. Yea it sucks and the rules should be lessened as your of legal age but if she feels you shouldn't be doing any of that when you're at her home. The only solution is to stay at a friend's when you partake in activities. Your mom has boundaries for her home as an adult you need to respect those boundaries.


YTA. you’re an adult staying there for free. you’re completely within your rights to think her rules are stupid and not follow them as long as you get your own place. surely you could find a room to rent and pay for yourself if you don’t like the rules in her home that she pays for.


NTA. My mom was very strict growing up. We didn’t get along until I moved out. Maybe it’s better if you stay at school on breaks or with a friend and think about saving up for your own place. I hope it gets better.


YTA. Don't like the rules? Stay elsewhere.


thanks for using the correct "discreet"! NAH i don't know you mom's history, but it could be that she had some issues with substances herself and is using your sisters as a fair excuse to keep those things away. You are an adult, but she's said she's uncomfortable with it.


YTA While I think she should back off. As you’re an adult now. It is her house. So, you have to follow her rules. While you stay there. Assuming this is rent free. If you don’t like it. You should move out. Start looking for permanent housing for college next year. So, you don’t have to return next summer. Perhaps the remainder of this summer. If you can find it soon enough. Maybe you can rent a room from a friend during the summer. As an alternative.


If you don’t like the rules, don’t stay at your moms house. I do think you and your mom need to talk and come up with some ground rules. She needs to understand you are older and you normally have more freedom. But you need to understand her house and she has rules. And if you can’t come to a understanding it may be time for you to stay somewhere else


> the problem with staying with her is that she gets butthurt Grow up. YTA


ESH. Your mum can put house rules and those apply ONLY to her property. She can say she is not ok with you being or getting drunk or high on her property and that's ok. She can also set a curfew for the acceptable time to be back with the only exception being during an emergency or unsafe situation. What she can't dictate is wether you get drunk or high out of her property and then go home sober. What you do out of her property us not of her business as long as it doesn't extend to her property. You aren't blameless here either. You fail to realise by doing what you do (especially not abiding by a decent curfew) you are setting a precedent for your sister's behaviour and your mum may not want to deal with the outcome. You may be staying with her for a few weeks but your sisters are staying with her a lot longer. (The outcome being that your sisters not having a decent curfew and then saying mum discriminates based on gender when that's not the case.)


Find a new place to stay. My mom was the same way when I’d come home on leave from the Navy.


NTA House rules are rules inside the house. It doesn’t sound like you’re actually exposing your sisters to anything.


YTA I think you are, you're staying with your mum and she has her kids with her. If she doesn't want to deal with a drunk/high person in her own home she has the right.


I don’t come home drunk or high, she said she doesn’t want me doing it away from them at friends houses either that’s the issue.


You specifically said in the original post that she's confronted you when you came home high or when she could smell it on you. Now you're changing your story.


YTA Sorry her rules suck but if you're going to stay with her then you either need to abide by them or find a new place to crash for the summer


Your mum doesn't get a say on what you do outside her home as you're a legal adult. But if she wants a curfew on when you walk through the door of an evening, she's within her rights to lock you out after that time. If you can't be home by 10 - then stay at your friend's place.


I mean yta in my mind for living with your mom and not following her rules. Because it's her home she can make rules, even unreasonable ones. Luckily there's an easy solution. Move tf out lol. Why deal with it when you don't have to


You are an adult, but a guest in her house. If you're going to drink or smoke, stay at your friends. Or just stay with your friends.


YTA You are legally an adult, but it is her home. Don’t like her rules? Stay somewhere else. You can get a job, pay rent, etc. all the things adults do. Parenting an adult is difficult, and in your case your mother has two more children in the home. Even if you do not flaunt what you are doing, they will know. If you want to live with your mother for the summer break, you need to come up with rules you and she can agree with.


YTA. You mother is trying to raise teen daughters and I can imagine that’s hard enough as it is. It’s understandable that she wants certain rules for their well being, as unfair as it may seem to you. You’re within your rights to have your freedom elsewhere if you can’t conform to her rules. There are trade offs for living at home. Some people can do it, some can’t. Nothing wrong with either option.


My 60-something-year-old mom moved into my home when I was in my forties. (Her health was uncertain enough that we didn't want her living on her own) We had the house rules conversation and both abide by them, even though we both contribute to the bills. It's the adult thing to do. YTA OP.


NTA because your mom is obviously not a very supportive or reasonable person, let alone a good parent. She doesn’t get to emotionally abuse you to make herself feel better about her inability to be a good parent. And owning her home doesn’t mean she can be an abusive monster to her grown kid during visits. Your sisters are undoubtedly being harmed by your mother’s dysfunctional, unreasonable, toxic control issues and nasty verbal attacks.. even if they only ever hear her do it to you. I’m so sorry you lost your dad. And I’m sorry your mom continues to fail you, and callous fools online feel comfortable saying you need to be more of an adult when I’m guessing you’re the only legit adult your sisters have lived with in a long, long time.


Lmao using the word "abuse" very liberally there, buddy. I wouldn't want my kid coming home drunk multiple times in the span of only two weeks while I have younger, impressionable children to look after. You think a parent setting ground rules is abuse? Gtfoh.


If you think this is abuse you must live a charmed life. OP, YTA. Your mom has a right to set boundaries for her home and the people living in it. The trade-off is that if you don't like those boundaries, you can live elsewhere. The same would apply to any free living situation. If you moved in with any random person who owned a home and they let you stay for free, they get to set house rules. Your mom's rules aren't even unreasonable. You don't have to like those rules, but the alternative is finding somewhere else to live. That's the trade-off for free housing.


NTA. Her house rules don't extend beyond her house. She doesn't get to police your entire life just because you are staying with her. Any more than a hotel can require you to follow house rules when you go out of the hotel. I'm surprised how many people here seem to think house rules cover the whole of life, not just the house. But there is no point fighting this, just explain you will have to stay somewhere else as you are not prepared to accept her dictating what you do outside the house.


Honestly mom is being over the top with this. When my kids were 18, the rules were: text if you're going to be late or need a ride, turn the kitchen light out when you get in. Make sure the dogs don't get out when you do get in. Clean up after yourself. Put stuff that you've used the last of on the shopping list. That's it. Funny side, when youngest moved out of state after college graduation, we helped, at the door to his townhouse, he looked at me and dad and said "my house, my rules" we enjoyed that lol. Yes, we did obey his rules. Put stuff back, no shoes, we still enjoy visiting, he's married now and a homeowner with a "honey do" list 🤣


Big time YTA. It's hee house. You're staying there for free and despite being 21 you don't know everything. Staying out all night getting drunk and high may seem fine to you but it's very immature Get you're own place to stay in the summer or follow her rules


As a mom myself, YTA. Yes, you are an adult. You can do what you want when you are at college. At home, it is expected to follow reasonable rules. Not coming home drunk or high, especially when there are younger siblings in the house, is reasonable. Parents understand that you may act differently when at your own place. For example, I am Christian. I do not believe in partners living together before marriage. I never judged my oldest for making different choices. They did live together before getting married. However, he did respect that when they came to visit they slept in different rooms, and they were always welcomed. If you need to get drunk and high regularly, that is a separate issue to explore.


Honestly just let her know that you understand she has house rules, and you respect “her house her rules”, but at this point if she’s going to be that controlling tell her you’ll just leave. You don’t HAVE to stay at her house, you can just go back. Most moms would backpedal HARD when they realize that now that you’re an adult you can just leave. NTA btw


NTA. House rules stop once you leave the house. And 10 pm curfew for a 21yo is ridiculous. Even if your staying with her. With that said maybe best bet is to not live there.


While I understand the frustration, you also need to remember that your mother is probably worried that you will set a bad example for your younger siblings. And it is her house, and therefore her rules. NTA but neither is your mother.


NTA. Your mother is way out of line and extremely controlling. You are respecting her house rules as you are not doing those things get her home. You're an adult and you get to make those kind of decisions. You don't have to ask her to go out or keep her informed of every little thing you're doing except for what general time you might be in in the evening. But if that changed a quick text if it wasn't too late would still be acceptable. If she chooses to wait up for you that is not your problem and you do not have to keep her informed as she could easily go to bed. As a mom I can tell you when your children at home you do worry about them but does she act the same way when you're away at college and want to know everything you're doing? I would bet not. Tell her you can not come home at all or she can respect you as an adult and stop trying to control you.


Like you said. Your an adult. Get out and get your own place of you don’t like her rules.


^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (21m) am about to be a junior in college. I stay in on campus housing but go home during the summer. I do visit my mom for really short periods throughout the year but mostly for summertimes and long breaks I’d stay with my dad. Recently though, my dad passed away, so this summer I’m staying with my mom and my two little sisters (13 and 15). I love my mom, but the problem with staying with her is that she gets butthurt when I don’t spend enough time with her or if I do anything she doesn’t like. I’ve been home for about 2 weeks and have some friends who still live in town so I’ve been catching up with them but my mom always wants to know who I’m with and what’s going on. She’s not a Christian or anything but she doesn’t agree with drinking, marijuana use or anything even though I’m 21 and it’s legal in my state. She’s already told me she doesn’t want me to be getting drunk, high, partying or doing anything like that while I’m staying with her. The last few nights I’ve been coming home kinda late and she waits up for me just to “confront” me about it. If I come home high or if she can smell it on me she gets all upset and says that I’m not abiding by her “house rules”. She woke me up this morning and said we need to set some ground rules since I can’t listen to them the first time apparently. She said that she’s not ok with me staying out as long as I do and just “doing whatever I want”. She said I’m a bad influence to my sisters and I told her that’s totally fine but the thing is I don’t do any of that stuff at home. I do it at a friends house or something. She said her point was that she didn’t want me to do it *at all* and that when I was staying with her I had to abide by her house rules because it’s “bad for my sisters to be exposed to that”? I don’t feel like I’m super noisy when I come home at night and it’s not like I’m doing anything in front of them so I really don’t see the problem? I’m an adult with my own money but my mom seems to think I’m being disrespectful. AITA about this situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Honestly NTA, but you're likely going to get mostly Y T A responses while you stay with her. If you're coming home late and your sisters aren't up then I don't see how you're exposing them to anything. Edit: You aren't coming home completely smashed or high. She said no drinking *any* alcohol which is completely overstepping in my opinion.


Yeah so many people are telling her she’s the A H because it’s her moms house but, op is being treated like a child. There’s a reason she stayed w her dad mainly. She may be able to rent out a place but is it really the best idea given shes living in dorms and the cost of nightly hotel rooms add up. As well as food for herself. IMO shes NTA and mom needs to be respectful. She’s not coming home loud or under the influence and is partaking in these things out of the house and not near her siblings. That’s fair. Maybe letting mom know she’ll be out late might be as much as she should tell. Or OP should sleep over at her friends when she drinks or smokes.


Nta. Your mother doesn’t get to choose sobriety for you even though a lot of ppl here seem to think free rent entitles her to that level of control. If you were paying her rent, she’d still want you no5 to ever imbibe. Bottom line…you need to move out.


NTA but you need to tell her if those are the house rules, you won't be staying there any longer. It would be disrespectful to continue to stay there if you aren't going to follow the rules. I wouldn't stay there with those rules either.


NTA. But dude, move out. Go stay with a friend for the summer. You are not going to win this battle.


NTA. Maybe it's time to hit up some of those friends in town and see if you can stay with them for the summer. You're an adult and you can do what you want, you don't bring it home or talk about it around your sisters, so yeah...


NTA Your mom sounds exactly like my mom. Controlling, manipulative, and mentally abusive.


YTA Sorry, but it doesn’t sound like you’re paying rent, so you’re a guest. House rules apply.


YTA. it’s her house, her rules and honestly they aren’t even that bad. If you don’t like the rules move out.


First of all, I want to say that I am sorry for the loss of your father. Despite that, YTA. It is your mother's house and she has 2 impressionable teenagers to care for. As a drinker, and a smoker, my opinion is that you are totally the AH in this situation. You may be legal, but until you have a place of your own, you can't complain. Follow your mother's rules, or move out. If you are not in a situation where you can afford your own place, suck it up. Stop whining, and do what you need to do to get your own place and be free. Use this as motivation to accomplish what you want to be happy.


YTA. Coming in late drunk, high, or sober is not being a very good house guest. I live in Las Vegas and I have people asking if they can stay with me all the time. Since I work, I tell them I don't want to be disturbed with them coming in and they need to be in before I go to bed at 11pm so I can set the home alarm. Some respect by boundary and stay in my guest room and others don't want to be in by 11 so they pay for a hotel. Its called being a gracious house guest.


Her house, her rules. Your house, your rules


It's her house doesn't matter what age you are if she's asking. You not to do drugs/drink alcohol while you are staying there she has every right to. Respect goes a long way and you are not respecting her wishes


INFO: Do you pay any rent while you're there?


You're a guest in her house, so you should follow her rules. If you don't like the rules, find somewhere else to stay.


YTA yes you are an adult but you are living with your mom at the moment so you need to follow her rules. See if you can stay with a friend if you want to be able to do what you want but you can't disrespect your moms rules in her home. That's just going to create a toxic environment for everyone there


NTA for not wanting to follow the rules, but it is her house, and your mom can make whatever rules she wants. If you want to be allowed to do whatever you want like grown up, get your own apartment or sublet during the summer.


YTA Your an adult so staying in your mothers house is a privilege so if she says she doesnt want certain behaviours around your sisters who are MINORS then you need to respect that. That would be the frown up and mature thing to do. If you are stupid enough to believe your sisters can't smell the alcohol or weed on you or see your altered behaviour then you need a serious wake up call. As for her asking where you are etc, thats completely normal. Its also completely normal for her to get pissed when your using her house as nothing more then a convenient crash pad and refusing to spend time with her or your sisters. Thats just being a grade A user in most peiples books. If you want to engage in behaviours your mother doesnt want in her house and if your don't want to spend time with her and your sisters then find somewhere else to stay.


NTA, if you are such a bad influence go LC and see how she likes that.


NTA figure out different housing for the longer breaks. And stop visiting. Problem solved


I stopped policing my kids after they went to college. I raised them for 18 years and if I hadn’t gotten through to them in all that time and they decided to go against my wishes, well I’m here if you need me. Just don’t do stuff at home, don’t wake me up, don’t sneak anyone in. You can’t control your kids forever and OP is an adult.


NTA. Mom thinks of you as her little boy-as mothers do. She wants you home watching tv with the family every night. She’s just not ready for the 21 year old you. Not to be cruel, but that’s her problem. She should ask her other Mom friends about their adult children coming home from college for the summer. She’ll see that her friend’s kids do the same as you. It might help if you did some “family” stuff during the day once in a while.


Nah - but I would suggest on these nights you just stay at your friends house


Info: Did your dad leave you anything after he passed away? Like money, property, investments? Can you get SS survivor's benefits/payments? Maybe it's time to utilize what you can so you can try to live in your own place. I wish you the best. My mom would pull the same crap with me about my little sister and being a role model and it was annoying AF when I was paying her rent and had to use the laundromat like I was a tenant but had no autonomy.




Time for you to move out you’re 21 you’re gonna wanna go out stay out late and party like your mom can’t control you from doing the party and smoke and drink and she can’t control you not doing that that’s Ludacris and ridiculous stay with a friend only visit her she sounds toxic anyway by the way you’re not the asshole


I'm wondering.... if you're still coming home the same day after drinking/smoking then you are probably not totally 'sober' when you're home. It doesn't sound like you are staying overnight. You're in a complicated situation. You probably should sit down with your mom and try to come to a different agreement. If she refuses, you'll have to decide whether to stay there and live with her rules or move in with a friend or a family member that would allow you more flexibility.




Talk to one of your friends and see if you could contribute to their household expenses and stay with them for the rest of the summer. Then tell your Mom that you'll abide by HER wishes and move out. That you're an adult and her rules are ridiculous, especially when she wants to CONTROL your activities and imbibing when away from the house. I was very sorry to see that you recently lost your Father! I know how hard it is to lose a parent so young! Hope you're doing okay! Best wishes and many Blessings! ETA: NTA, your Mom is being over-controlling and her expectations are ridiculous! BTW - I'm 58/f with 3 children, 6 grandchildren.


NTA you are an adult, you can do whatever you want. She is being abusive and controlling by trying to hold living in a house over your head.




I have to go with a pretty mild YTA. I can understand your frustration with your mother's "my house my rules" insistence. But, she's giving you a place to live and you are disrespecting and upsetting her, regardless of how silly her "rules" may seem. It IS her house, and she's got the upper hand, as you can't afford to move out. I think all you can do is sit down and try to negotiate with her somehow, or decide what you would do if she issues the ultimate "my way or the highway". I think "I'm 21 and can do what is legal" is kind of a weak argument when you really can't do what you want if you want a place to live and she sticks to her guns. If you can't negotiate something with her you're going to have to decide if putting up with her rules would be as bad as being out on the street or sleeping on friends' couches.


TLDR if your trying to smoke in her house and she ain’t a smoker TA trying to smoke outside NTA, trying to get down and dirty as long as you got a room and ain’t doing it in a living space NTA, other then that I can’t help you here.


ESH. It's extremely unreasonable for her to govern your actions outside of her home. That's not her job. You're right to be upset about that. However, you might want to examine your relationship with substances. As someone who was newly 21 once, you are not as quiet as you think you are nor are you as discreet as you think you are.


NAH You two need to have a real conversation about this, and you need to point out that you have other options than spending a couple of weeks of your year with her, under this rules that you can't accept.


YATA. Bottom line, her house, her rules. Who is paying for college? If you are that grown, get your own apartment off campus, then you can stay year round. I understand you want to be your own man, but it comes with a cost....paying your own rent. Get a job, some roommates and live to the fullest. You pay the cost to be the boss.


NTA, it’s not something that actually affects anyone at home. I’d try to find somewhere else to go though…sounds terrible.


I think you are the AH. It’s your mother’s house. She has every right in saying what goes and what doesn’t go in her house. That includes you coming and going at all hours and in various states of sobriety. You yourself said “ I’m an adult with my own money “. What’s stopping you from being an adult and finding somewhere else to stay? That’s what adults with their own money do.


I feel like emotions are running very high for all of you. I would not be surprised if there’s a hint of concern here for your safety whilst drunk and high as she may be scared of losing another loved one. I may be totally wrong but it’s worth considering. I have older siblings who all have young children and am careful to not drink, smoke or do anything too disruptive whilst staying with them as children see and are influenced much easier than you think. Add grief into the mix and I feel like it’s a situation where you are dealing with your emotions through substance and seeing your peers which is totally valid; and maybe your mum needs more support. She’s honestly probably shit scared herself at how to navigate this new normal; and is doing the best she knows how to do. Hoping you find a common ground. X


YTA, and you’re certainly not acting like an adult.




NTA - Your mom is not used to you being able to set your own hours or set your own rules.


save up and move out if you are unable to compromise with her rules. subletting is awesome for the summer/moving out for temporary months. your too old at this point for her to want to have so much control and power over you. obviously respect her and appreciate her for looking out in what she thinks is in your best interest, but you’re an adult now. the world is yours. you have the right to pretty much do whatever you want …. capitalize on it


NTA. You're an adult participating in legal activities, not doing anything that endangers your family.


YTA. I’m not without sympathy when I say that, though. You’ve begun to transition to adulthood, but adulthood isn’t just independence, it’s also responsibility. You’re asking for the independence without the responsibility. You talk about having your own money, but that’s because you aren’t paying for housing or other necessities. I remember that stage and I remember how frustrating it was to have to switch back to obeying “house rules” over the summer when my life was perfectly fine without them the rest of the year. I understand you not wanting to waste money on housing during the summer, but you pay regardless. You either literally put your money where your mouth is and rent a shitty place with several friends for the summer and live as your please or you pay in another sense by obeying the rules of your mom’s household. You could try staying with a friend instead, but I’m guessing there will also be rules there. As you say, you’re an adult now, so you need to make your choice. Your mom is giving you notice that her home will stop being an option for you if you don’t choose to obey her rules. She understands that your sisters see and understand more than what you give them credit for and your mom is setting boundaries not just for you, but for them, and for what she will allow for people who stay with her. I get that you find her unreasonable, but you don’t seem to take much responsibility for why you now find yourself in the situation you are in. The independence and the responsibility are linked and adulthood means navigating the trade offs of the options in front of you.


Everyone keeps saying how OP is an adult, but imo if for example I had a husband who did that shit around kids, I'd also be furious. That's not necessary for kids to see the act of OP getting drunk to be affected by it. OP comes home late, drunk, probably(?) mentions his plans with friends while he's at home etc. Children and teens are so easily influenced. OP, that is your lifestyle, but you cannot give an imprint of it on your sisters. You want to get drunk and stoned, you are free to stay somewhere else. It's not like your mom prohibits you doing it while you're out of town in college. She clearly sees you as an adult and nevertheless doesn't want that shit around her other children. YTA.


OP gets drunk and smokes away from home. If they plan to drink or smoke they just don’t go home. It says that in the post.


I'm leaning YTA because she's honestly not asking much. It will not kill you to not drink or smoke for a few months (or only drink and smoke in moderation and come home on time). She's not saying you can never do it again, she's not saying you can't hang out with your friends, she's just asking that you don't stay out late getting high/drunk and in return she's putting a roof over your head and feeding you. I mean, you are an adult, as you point out, but that doesn't mean you get to do what you want whenever, it just means that if you're unhappy enough about staying as a guest on your mother's home you can leave. Like, do none of your friends want a roommate for a few months? Can't you pay one of them a bit of rent to sleep on a sofa or something? Then you could still go over to visit your mum and sister but also have some space from her?


Actually the mother is saying she doesnt want OP to ever do it. Though she cannot control him while at college....I do agree that he does need to stay someplace else. Im leaning to Y T A but Im also leaning to N A H. He stated he has only been their two weeks but his mom did confront him about coming home drunk/high a few times. Now he doesnt do that and comes home sober. Though the thing is if she even smells it on him, like he didnt even do it just the smell got on him(like the smell of weed and I know the only way the alcohol smell could get on him is if he drank it or it spilled on him some how) she gets on to him. I understand she doesnt want it around her daughters, but at the same time he isnt doing it around them. He is careful about it(now at least), but she is still determined to make sure he doesnt do it at all. Not even if he was totally sober when coming back to the house. Im honestly torn.


Yeah this is where I am too. I get the "my house my rules" thing. But I feel like if he's coming home completely sober and the only trace of it in the house is smell? That feels like you're trying to have too much control over an adult to me.


Im just so torn. I understand her view. But I understand his. I dont think it right for her to try and control everyting to the smallest detail. To me it feels like she would rather him be home the entire time he is there and not do a single thing....but he is older wnough to make his own decisions. At least he isnt actually bringing it around his sisters....like doing it at their house or being around them if he has done it even when he sobered up before coming back. But still....


To clarify, by she's not asking you to stop forever I did means she's not going to try to enforce her rules when OP isn't in her house. I should have been clearer about that, my bad. I do genuinely think it is a difficult one. Normally I lean on the side of "my house my rules" being a bogus excuse used to do things the parent knows aren't fair to the child but this time, OP's been home two weeks and this is already a major enough issue that there have been fights about it and changes, how often are they going out drinking and smoking? Is this most nights they're going out then coming home drunk and disturbing everyone else because I can see how that would cause mum to go to more extreme lengths. OP says they weren't discreet at the beginning, were they rolling up drunk and high and waking up mum and kids who had to go to school/work in the morning while OP was still in bed? I've also lived with someone who worked in a club and can assure you that even when she came home from that job sober and let herself in discretely, she still woke me up like 90% of the time so... Like, maybe I'm reading too much into this but it sounds almost like OP was expecting to use mum's house as a place to crash while they hang out with friends and I'm not judging them for wanting to spend their summer hanging out with friends drinking/smoking, one of my best summers was spent in the same way, I can just see how mum would find it disruptive to normal family life even on top of any problems she has with alcohol and drugs (and again, we don't know why she has problems with alcohol and drugs and doesn't even want the kids to have hints that op's smoking and drinking. It seems such a bizarre idea that, like, maybe there's nothing more to it but it does make me wonder). OP's excuse, I was being disruptive but I'm not now, seems a little weak when op's only been there two weeks. It just seems like the best thing to do is look for a solution where op can drink and smoke but still see mum and sisters. If they can't find a friend willing to let them play a little rent for a sofa can't they at least find a friend who'll let them crash at weekends and the compromise can be "I'll spend the week following your rules but at the weekend I'm going to go be with my friends, I'll come back sober on Sunday night/Monday morning and we'll both pretend I've been following the rules while away.


Hm. You may be right. I just dont know which judgement to make. It seems like the thing about the weekend wouldnt work though. Because the mother would still have an issue with it. From what Ive read the mother doesnt want op doing it at all. Even if away and staying away until sober. Even if the smell is gone. I think just the thought of op doing it sets her off as well. So I do think the best solution for the would either just obey momor stay else where. Which if op stays somewhere else...The mom may say op cant comr around to see their sisters because then the mother has no idea if op did it and would be suspicious. This is only cause the mother does not want it around her daughters. Edit: I accidentally pressed reply when I wasnt done. But thats just how Im reading it. The mom may go for the weekend thing. But Im seeing it as the mom doesnt want op doing it at all. And wouldnt be okay with the weekend idea.


May I ask if you have your money how come you still live there? I see people have asked and you do not answer that particularly. Yet when you respond to comments you only complain about it. Just really wondering? You are an adult


I work part time and I am only staying here over summer break, I don’t full time live there. Have you seen the price of housing these days? Absolutely no way I can afford that plus why wouldn’t I just stay with my family on breaks rather than try to rent an apartment for only 2 months/2 weeks/ however long it is?


I see, yes it is expensive, and it is hard to save up too! Ugh this is hard, yes you are young. It is only for the summer. Hope it goes by fast. Not sure of the solution here, sorry.


its not really hard. Just abide by the houserules for the summer or get off the pot and live somewhere else. What the op is doing is disrespectful.


So find full time work like most college folk do for the summer, stop whining about how hard your life is and start acting like the adult you say you are instead of a petulant child. Adulting sucks. You have to work, pay bills and take responsibility for the things in your life. Working part time, partying all summer and living rent free is not adulting. If you have only been there two weeks and your behavior is causing issues maybe it is time to take a hard look at why.


YTA the odds are you aren’t being nearly as discrete as you think you are (drunk people rarely are). I think the best option is for you to either abide by the rules or stay somewhere else.


Sorry. Her house, her rules. She has younger children in her home and has to consider how your behaviour may effect them too. If you wish to get respect you have to show it too. YTA


I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA. He’s not encouraging his younger siblings By doing or talking about what he’s done. Even in high school I had a 1am curfew on the weekends. Yes it’s her house but he’s not a teenager. I can see why he stayed with dad if his mom is this strict. It would drive me nuts. See if you can crash anywhere else


ESH. You should have been more considerate of the impression you might make on your sisters. Your mom should have been clearer, more precise, about the reasons for her "house rules." Your sisters are old enough to know SOMETHING about adults drinking, smoking weed, and/or staying out late. I think your mom is leaving something out here, as she's treating you as if you were 14 and had a curfew. I think you and your mom should talk this through. There is a possibility that you may need to stay somewhere else.


NTA. And I say this as the mother of a 23 and 21 year old. I think that when you live on your own for 9 months out of the year it is unreasonable to expect you to come.hkme and live by high school rules now. When my kids were in school and home for the summer, I asked that they just let me know when they were going to be out late, that they not drive drunk and that if they ever needed a ride to call Uber or me and I would pick them up. I also don't care if they smoke pot because I think it's safer than alcohol and my husband smokes it to help him sleep. So I think your mom is over reacting and this is from one mom.


INFO: Has your dad's death anything to do with "being high" or "drunk"?


NTA- her rules aren’t about the house her rules are about controlling your lifestyle. You’re an adult and she can eat potatoes for all you care. You’re being respectful to all her demands at her home. I would try to have a conversation with her to say you’re adult so you’re going to respect her but live your life the way you want to and if she wants to have any relationship with you at all she can respect you in return. Otherwise I would not spend a lot of time with her and focus on maybe getting a cheap apartment with some friends? When I was 21 my mom and dad broke up and my mom lost it and started really abusing me. I decided that it wasn’t worth it to keep living with her and got my own place. I only saw her when I wanted to and now we have a really good relationship.


Move out of her house. She doesn't respect you as an adult and frankly trying to start the I don't want you to drink or do drugs shit with you when you're 21 is too late, wasting your time, and she's going to ruin your relationship. Is she paying towards your college?


NTA - "House rules" don't apply outside of the house. She can't control your behavior when you're not in her house.


NTA, but her house, her rules. Get a room or stay with friends.