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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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PhilShank22

YTA. Your GF asked him a question. He gave a TRUTHFUL if not blunt answer, that neither she, nor you liked. That's on YOU. Sorry, your brother did nothing wrong but be honest about how he feels. He literally nailed it with this line: "Regardless, you can't just ask me for my opinion on something and get mad when I express it." Yep. Your autistic brother has his shit together far more than you, or your GF. Your GF, being a cop, better get a thick skin. Cops get a lot of flack, some deserved, some not. But if she can't handle criticism without throwing a tantrum and leaving, there's no way she should have a badge and a gun. She (and you) COULD have handled that much better. ("I'm sorry you feel that way, as a cop, I'd genuinely like to know how we can do better." would have been a much better response.) Instead, you both got defensive. This is on you and your GF, not your brother. Not one bit. Also, this comment is a huge red flag: "I'll mention right now that my brother's autistic and is super blunt. He genuinely has little control over that, according to his therapists." It almost sounds like you're dismissing your brothers control over his brutal honesty, by throwing in the "according to his therapists".


diagnosedwolf

> “I'm sorry you feel that way, as a cop, I'd genuinely like to know how we can do better." would have been a much better response. Or even, “Oh. Moving on.” OP’s brother nailed it. Sometimes you don’t want to get into the “how can we do better” discussion at dinner, which is fine - you just drop the conversation topic and pick up a new one.


elly996

he tried to move on. they didnt want to. he said he didnt like cops in his area, after being asked his opinion but he didnt know that the GF was a cop. "moving on then" is a quick "oops sorry, next topic". they took his "cops in my area sit on their butts" as "your girlfriend is useless at her job" which is definitely not what he said. autistic people usually are blunt and say what they mean. they dont usually say things with an undertone that needs reading into. OP and the GF read into what he said in a way that brother didnt mean. then kicked him out for it. you can bet he wont forget this. forgive, yes. but not forget. yep. OP is TA


Mum_of_rebels

Maybe he right about her. Perhaps she is one of those cops which is why she got so defensive.


mmmbopdoombop

if a cop can't handle their partner's family saying "I don't like cops" and makes a big show of leaving the table, then they are probably gonna arrest strangers for nonsense because they felt disrespected.


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CaptainBasketQueso

That does seem to be a popular option.


cynicaloptimist57

Exactly.


elly996

i think it might be a situation of "you insulted my profession that im proud of, so now im mad". but you could also be right. if in a cooler mind she could have asked why someone with autism doesnt like cops. could have been a learning experience, but instead nope.


Normal-Height-8577

Exactly. People with autism tend to have a really shitty time with cops, because cops read every type of neurodiverse body language as "they're hiding something" or "they're acting guilty", their directness/lack of vocal tone control as aggression, and their need for stimming/sensory overload problems as evidence of drug use. It's a really big problem.


elly996

my first thought would be fidgeting/stimming might be seen as drug use. like theyre on speed or meth. and being direct could definitely cause issues. most people are submissive to cops, but the ones who arent could be seen as combative. definitely sounds like a headache


bogo0814

“The lady doth protest too much.”


Equivalent-Record-61

I could be reaching here, but it must be assumed that OP knows where brother lives and he might even know where gf works, but definitely at least that she's an officer. If brother has had problems with police before it seems likely that that's been a topic of discussion with OP in the past. OP knows brother is blunt, knows his opinion about police, knows GF is an officer, and perhaps that she works in brother's neighborhood. Everyone's piling on GF for being thin skinned, with reason, but OP, knowing all of that, sat there and let this play out without trying to tactfully change the subject to both protect his disabled brother and be polite to his GF. I mean, do ya not want your GF to like your brother OP? Were you trying to score points with GF off your brother's back? Wth? OP YTA in more ways than one.


Repulsive-Nerve5127

>She asked him what he didn't like about his new neighborhood This is what kinda had me thinking the brother was being set up. Generally speaking, people don't ask what people **don't** like about their new neighborhood, but what they **DO** like. And she was quick to get defensive. Excellent de-escalation skills there. But it's kinda clear OP has some issues with his brother that he's not saying or that he's hiding.


motherofdog2018

And I'm still looking for when he said he specifically didn't like her! He never said that! OP and girlfriend are soooo TAs


ElectricBlueFerret

Like most NTs OP and gf reads stuff into bro's words that he never said because they're both subject to rigid thinking and doesn't possess the theory of mind to imagine someone else communicating differently than them. Frankly this is a stark example of gf definitely being one of those cops that are extremely unsafe for autistic people to deal with and a why most of us dislike having to interact with police.


Wild_Boysenberry7370

Was just going to say this. The gf is the kind of cop that autistic people would be afraid of dealing with. Given the way she proves it right, I'm with the brother on this one 100%.


elly996

absolutely haha. putting words in his mouth because they got offended


killerqueen2004

I also love how OP wants to post here to prove everyone is on his side and embarrass his brother, but it totally backfired on OP XDDDD


elly996

yep haha. i also find it funny that the brother finds it embarrassing that he would go to AITA, and it kinda helped his situation this time xD


GoddessArtemis85

I really hope OP's brother said it in Clarkson's voice.


DragonCelica

That's how I hear it in my mind now, thank you. I have a habit of saying sorry way too much. Lately, any time I realize I'm stuck in a loop saying 'sorry' to my husband, I start trying to say it like Captain Slow. It quickly turns into both of us saying sorry over, and over, as we both laugh.


KhaleesiXev

Exactly! The brother changed the topic right away, So he wasn’t trying to be offensive. OP and his girlfriend need to get over themselves. YTA


Cli4ordtheBRD

Or maybe she could've even asked him more about the "as an autistic person, I don't like the cops". Hey why do you feel that way and what could we do to lessen that feeling? Or a more diplomatic "well [neighborhood] is a big place and I'm sure you don't see everything that happens". Or for extra points and the gold star: "oh no that's terrible! Next time you see something you think they shouldn't be doing, take a photo and send it to me with an explanation of what was happening. That way, I can report any illicit or otherwise prohibited behavior that might be going on in our department so it can be excised and we can continue to be helpful, trusted stewards of the public's trust!" Instead she got defensive and demanded an apology. Bad judgment.


CarrieCat62

Yes she just displayed the sort of I Deserve Respect!! attitude that the brother is likely wary of.


DishGroundbreaking87

I’d be wary if someone with that attitude being handed a gun too. YTA op.


Prettyinareallife

I also find it hard to believe she doesn’t understand that people do not like cops lol


majere616

Honestly any cop who doesn't understand why many people don't like or trust cops is a bad cop.


DrunkenPangolin

>Instead she got defensive and demanded an apology. Bad judgment. Sounds like she's sat in her car and doing nothing...


No_Performance8733

YTA. His comments were valid.


Scarletmittens

So I'm guessing the person doing all of the stuff he said is actually her??


SaurPuss

>Or a more diplomatic "well \[neighborhood\] is a big place and I'm sure you don't see everything that happens". I have to disagree with you on calling that diplomatic. It's very dismissive, and the Autistic community has a history of having their lived experiences ignored by Allistic people who decide they know better. But considering the brother was willing to move on once it was made clear that the gf is a cop, he would possibly just take that as a way out and allow the statement to stand to keep the peace.


Whole_Mechanic_8143

OP was the one who demanded the apology and reframed the comment from "Cops don't do anything in his neighborhood" to "GF is useless and unlikable".


2gigch1

Yeah it really feels like a missed opportunity for some growth on both sides. He expressed what he didn’t like about police and why. She could have taken the opportunity to bridge the gap and have each learn from the other. I feel sorry that this obvious chance to help dialogue and understanding between law enforcement and citizen on a personal level was so quickly discarded. Big changes start with little changes, so if an officer feels disrespected by the public then they need to help change that, starting with one person. Otherwise the preconceptions and dislike of law enforcement is validated.


Zoenne

And it's also a bit sus that she asked the question BEFORE revealing she was a cop there. Like, she was kinda tricking him.


Witty_Cucumber255

That's police corps/Blue Line type of thinking that prevents her from doing exactly that.


HollasForADollas

OP’s brother was on fire with his comebacks in such a short amount of time “You can’t just ask me for my opinion on something and get mad when I express it.” “The fact that you actually go AITA for advice makes me embarrassed for you.” Killin it 👏


jaeknits

I like his brother. I actually laughed when I read that quip about posting here! He’s awesome!


youreyesmystars

Ikr? Like, I want friends like OP's brother. I like honesty and I appreciate wit


mugofanxitea

Her over reaction definitely makes me wish she didn’t have a gun.


preciousmetalhead

This is pretty much the story of police brutality


agoldgold

Ironically, her response does retroactively make his comments about shitty neighborhood police a personal insult to her because she choses to be a shitty neighborhood police officer. I mean thanks for her proof that the police officers patrolling his neighborhood have negative interactions with the autistic community, but I'm sure OP's brother already knew that.


Appropriate-Sale2230

Yeah, and then "her friends think he's being a brat" when her friends are likely to some extent other cops, worries me deeply. YTA, OP. You and your gf.


LackingUtility

Short move to “her friends are going to ‘teach him a lesson’ next time they see him.”


Aphreyst

Yeah, it's actually genuinely worrying that her cop friends will target him in the future.


JadieJang

Perfect. I'll only add that when OP said "You literally just told my girlfriend you don't like her and that she's useless at her job." and he said, "That's clearly not what I said." he was right. That's very clearly not what he said. You were projecting and picking things to be insulted about. EDIT: typos


ConfoozledCat

What I don’t get is why bro needs to apologize when he made the comment before he was told gf is a cop in that neighborhood. He handled it appropriately by moving on. OP YTA and gf is childish.


Mum_of_rebels

Because the GF is probably that cop


Impossible-Sample724

Lol. Cops are the most thin-skinned people ever. American ones at least.


realsmithshady

Quite right! If she'd have said "I'm a cop" and he'd have said "ugh I hate cops they're all lazy, donut-munching, trigger-happy assholes who hurt autistic people because they dont understand us" then he'd be in the wrong. But he gave an honest answer to a question **with no idea that she was a police officer**.


georgilm

I like this. He'd be *in* the wrong. But he sure as hell wouldn't be wrong.


AlbatrossSenior7107

You NAILED it with this comment! I've worked with and have had friends with autistic individuals. You did such a good job explaining all the ways OP and his GF are easy the A sholes in this situation. YTA op, you need to do better by your brother. And Maybe your GF shouldn't ask questions she doesn't want HONEST answers to. I emailed your brother. We should ALL be able to give honest to God answers to questions. Instead we have been conditioned to be polite. Screw that.


East_Deer7419

You say she needs to handle criticism. I do agree, but in this case there was none. He made a general comment under a different context about a profession. Her getting butt hurt over it shows a huge level of insecurity and self centeredness. When I was a carpenter I didn't assume people were talking about me when the complained about contractors in general. She needs to get a clue and realize the world isn't about her.


Publius246

Exactly. What the fuck were you doing *demanding* an apology? If he was gonna give one, he would have, unprompted. You turned a faux pax into an issue for no good reason.


Circlesonacircuit

Exactly! It could even be a funny moment. When I first met my friend's boyfriend, I told him I worked with animals. He began telling how amazing that is, and how he hates the meat industry, and can't imagine anyone wanting to work with cattle, poultry, how those people are awful etc. While my work is improving the life of cattle, poultry, etc, I do work with the animals in the meat industry. We both had a good laugh about it. Since then, we have great and respectful discussions about what is wrong and what might not be so wrong about the industry. I can't imagine wanting an apology from him because his standpoint is different from mine. OP, just because you're complete opposites, doesn't mean you can't be respectful about it. Your brother was really respectful. Stop pestering him. YTA


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LazyGalDragon

Bad bot, you stole this comment from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/up9o3c/aita_for_kicking_my_brother_out_after_he_insulted/i8jkgtn). /u/enchantedbunnicula deserves the karma.


SaturniinaeActias

I agree with everything you said, but I'm not even sure "brutal honesty" is the right descriptor here, perhaps because I'm used to hearing people who are just deliberately mean assholes say "I'm just brutally honest" like that excuses their bad behavior. OP's brother was simply, plainly honest and OP and his girlfriend didn't like what they heard. He handled the situation with a great deal more grace than either of them.


LiteralPersson

Also it seems he didn’t know she was a cop in that neighborhood. He wasn’t even directing it at her personally! As an autistic person, I think OP is the AH for obvious reasons


ScorchieSong

He knew he'd put his foot in it and was trying to deal with it as best he could, by moving on.


Hazelwood38

YTA. Just because your girlfriend is a cop doesn’t mean people can’t criticize the police. He never said anything about your girlfriend specifically so how is it insulting her? It’s not like he knew she was a police officer.


uhno28

Right? Especially because once the brother KNEW the GF was a cop he specifically chose to avoid conflict and move on. He didn't double down or went on to get personal when he found out. The brother didn't do anything wrong by how he answered the question. He gave a good reason, and imo none of what he said seems to come from him being autistic. 90% of the people I know would have given a similar answer about any reason they didn't like their area, or why they don't like anything really. It wasn't a particularly "blunt" or "brutally honest" answer to me, like at all. Also, this lack of self awareness from OP and GF, to be Pikachu faced to hear someone criticize the police? Like are they seriously shocked that in this day and age they'd encounter someone who doesn't like cops? The level of offense they took reeks of lack of accountability and self-reflection. If someone criticized my profession in general, or my company or department directly, I'd be curious to know more, find out if it's a legit concern, compared it to my experience, etc. I wouldn't immediately jump to HOW DARE YOU WE ARE ALL GOD-CHOSEN AND INCAPABLE OF MAKING MISTAKES. YTA


thiccasscherub

Especially because there have been many incidents in the past of cops being abusive/trigger happy towards autistic people: https://www.npr.org/2020/09/09/910975499/autistic-13-year-old-boy-shot-by-salt-lake-city-police https://la.streetsblog.org/2021/05/07/autistic-man-shot-within-83-seconds-of-first-contact-by-lasd-why-is-this-still-happening/ https://www.google.com/amp/s/fox40.com/news/local-news/video-vacaville-police-officer-shoves-hits-teenage-boy-with-autism/amp/


Geenst12

In the [shooting of Charles Kinsey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Charles_Kinsey) the police officer claimed he was aiming for the autistic kid too, although he ended up hitting a black man who was lying on the ground with his hands up.


Lowbacca1977

Yeah, that was an amazing non-defense of a shooting to say don't worry, they meant to shoot the severely autistic man (not a kid) and not the black guy.


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Eastofdark

And claiming he was insulting her personally is nothing short of ridiculous as is her eccentricity and sensitiveness. OP YTA.


TheFranFan

The level of offense she took tells me she is exactly the kind of cop who has helped the police gain the reputation they have today.


-DollFace

She took it personal because she's probably a shitty cop that parks on sidewalks and doesn't do her job.


Yetikins

> He never said anything about your girlfriend specifically so how is it insulting her? I think the real reason OP and his gf overreacted so much is because the brother's statements do, in fact, describe her. Considering her inability to handle a basic dinner like this... lazy cop sitting in a car sounds right up her alley!


SuperZalewski

Girlfriend is probably one of the shitty cops; otherwise she’d be like “yeah, some of them are that way, huh?” and laugh it off. She took it as an insult because she took it as being about her; it’s about her because she’s one of the ones parking on the sidewalk doing nothing.


EwokCafe

> She asked him what he didn't like about his new neighborhood. She asked him a question. He answered it. > "As an autistic person, I don't like cops for obvious reasons" I know the reasons, do *you*? I feel like you don't. > He just said, "Oh. Moving on then." He recognized it was a sensitive topic and moved on. > "You literally just told my girlfriend you don't like her and that she's useless at her job." He literally didn't say that? At all? What he said next was 100% correct. > She got up and said that if she really was that bad of a person, she'd avoid him in order to not be a burden on him for the rest of the night. Holy passive aggressiveness, that's emotionally manipulative So yes. YTA. Your autistic younger brother handled the situation with more social grace than you did, probably because he has made efforts to learn how. You might take a page from his book.


LaurelRose519

OP is doing the NT thing where he’s reading between the lines but OP’s brother is autistic so he said what he meant and he meant what he said, nothing more and nothing less.


timecube_traveler

That's not even doing the neurotypical thing, that's just nitpicking for reasons to be offended tbh. Going from "some people are bad at their job" to "you suck and you're a burden" is just.. They'd win the Olympics with that leap.


SuicidalTurnip

Yup. OP even said his brother was blunt and had "little control" over it, so he should understand that his brother meant _exactly_ what he said, with zero subtext.


Whole_Mechanic_8143

He's not "reading between the lines" but writing a whole new novel in the margins.


snazzylittlequetzal

You broke this down PERFECTLY.


RainbowCrane

Unfortunately OP’s brother is probably aware that if he doesn’t learn how to cater to thin-skinned police officers unfamiliar with neurodiversity that he’s likely to experience violence at the hands of police. So, good on him at being skilled at deescalation, but horrible that OP and OP’s gf are completely ignorant of how fraught this encounter was for OP’s brother.


Amberle73

You'd think it should be the cop that has great de-escalation skills, but apparently not!


trollblut

They have a playbook of steps that they are encouraged to follow so that they're allowed to shot you.


Kiruna235

So sad that civilians - and in this case, one with autism - is doing a much better job at deescalating than a cop. But again, this is part of why there's such mistrust in cops these days. Hope OP, GF, and GF's cop buddies can take this as a moment to self-reflect.


Vargoroth

But the autistic people lack social skills...


TopsyturvyX

Our social skills are fine. We just don't read between the lines.


Vargoroth

Agreed, my fellow autist.


mugofanxitea

Thank you for breaking it down so well. Her reaction is exactly why some people don’t like cops.


enchantedbunnicula

YTA. Based on the title, I was ready to side with you...but your brother has a point. She asked, he answered and moved on when someone disagreed with him. How could have been expected to know to avoid the topic when he didnt know.whay your gf did for a living


Ummmm-no2020

Further, it's a little odd to me that she asked that. Almost as if she knew she wouldn't like his opinion and decided to bait him.


lmjchase

That’s where I’m having my struggle with this, too. It could be coincidence but feels like a weird set-up


SpamLandy

This is a really good point! She knows where he lives and didn’t say ‘I’m actually a police officer in your area, how do you feel about your neighbourhood?’ Once again it’s the autistics getting told we’re bad at comms lmao. He answered fine!


GuntherTime

It’s not that odd really. It sounded to me that he just moved there and mentioned not liking the neighborhood, which would naturally lead someone to ask why not. I mean if someone told me they didn’t like where they lived I’d ask why. But at the same time op doesn’t explain how the conversation got there so it’s still possible it was a set up.


Turbulent-Army2631

YTA! No, he didn't "literally" say anything about your GF. He was asked about his neighborhood and answered honestly. Also your GF is exactly why people hate cops. They see themselves as a monolith and refuse to acknowledge that there are bad ones. Your brother did nothing wrong and he's right in saying she was being passive aggressive. This is all pretty obvious so maybe that's why he said what he said about Reddit.


Mobile-Feed-9928

I hope OP's brother is on Reddit and reading all of this.


redshores

He's autistic, he is assuredly a redditor too


Mayor__Defacto

Also, he spoke truth. NYPD have no regard for parking rules; they have a little placard and they know not to ticket each other (because of the placard). So they pretty flagrantly disregard all the rules, park all over the sidewalk being a hazard to pedestrians and just generally being dicks because “wahtchu gonna dooh”


jools4you

YTA. Your girlfriend needs to get thicker skin, lots of people don't like the profession she has chosen. It wasn't personal but she turned it all about her. Oh my brother is autistic but I'm going to get upset when he displays autistic traits, yeah right on.


DifficultEbb4

Yeah just wanted to add... in a profession like that it’s extra important to be level headed and “thick skinned”. She sounds dramatic, passive aggressive, and quick to jump to conflict. Not good qualities in a police officer. oh and btw OP, you and your gf are TA.


Covert_Pudding

Yes, it really should not surprise her that someone from a community that's frequently victimized by people in her profession would not be a fan. The fact that she's trying to turn it around so that she's one of the victims tells me she's not sone kind of moral or saintly outlier. Why listen to the person from the community she's literally paid to protect & serve when she can DARVO?


sortaangrypeanut

Brother has every right to be scared of cops, as an autistic person. And I love (sarcasm) how GF just proves his point. Although not a violent situation, merely the trait of blunt honesty, developed due to his autism, was enough to set GF into a tantrum. Cops and autistic people in America do not often mix. Miss a social cue and then comes the aggression


AUDMCJSW

You make a good point. She’s clearly in the wrong profession and needs to rethink her career.


Amegami

Also, his brother's behaviour in that situation was totally fine and normal. He answered a question (not at all "bluntly") and when he hit a sensitive spot, he tried to change the subject. His response to OP and gf's defensiveness was also spot on. I see nothing here that'd even make mentioning his autism necessary. OP just tries to use it as: "He's autistic so he's automatically wrong because autistic people don't know how to people." But the brother handled the situation way better than OP and his gf.


East_Deer7419

But he didn't display ANY autistic traits and his autism is absolutely irrelevant here except as a way to try to control the narrative, which makes it go from YTA to really disgusting behavior trying to weaponize his autism against his brother. That's absolutely fucked up. The brother answered the same way I would if asked that question. Then when given info about the gf he simply tried to move on. Again, I'd do the same thing. He wasn't blunt or rude or lacked any social grace. His 12 year older, "non-autistic" brother is the only one without any social grace or class here.


xEllimistx

YTA Look, my dads a cop. Been a cop for 25 years. I’m a 911 dispatcher. I work closely with cops. I understand feeling like you needed to defend your girlfriend and her profession. But you didn’t. Your brother, by your own admission, is autistic and blunt. He was asked a question and gave an honest answer. He didn’t literally say anything about your girlfriend. He didn’t even know she was a cop. Y’all got offended when you didn’t need to. He said nothing about your girlfriend and if she’s one of the ones that “Parks on the sidewalk and does nothing”, then perhaps her issue is knowing that she’s been found out. Instead of getting upset, your girlfriend could’ve used his comment as an opportunity for “positive community outreach” and spoke with your brother about what he’s seen, where he’s seen those officers “doing nothing”, and taken it to her supervisors to try to investigate and clean up those issues. She could’ve turned the dinner into a positive experience for your brother. Instead, he’s just going to continue to believe what he does because y’all got offended. This is one of the areas where the “thin blue line” goes wrong. It makes officers think they have to defend their line of work against any criticisms whether or not they’re valid. If you, or your girlfriend, get upset every time someone criticizes the police…..well…you’re going to be upset 24/7


Covert_Pudding

Exactly this. She could have tried to talk to him about his (valid) concerns. OP could have tried to experience an ounce of empathy for his brother but... nah. Just kick him out for answering a question.


Ok-Complex-3019

Absolutely! What about, “wow, what happened to cause you to feel that way? I’m a police officer and I want the community to be safer. What you be willing to share ideas on how we can help you feel safer?”


RainbowCrane

Seriously. What a missed opportunity for input from someone who is neurodivergent. “I hear a lot that folks with autism don’t trust cops. Would you be willing to give me some feedback on the deescalation techniques I’ve learned for what to do if I encounter someone in a meltdown? Maybe I can take that back to my instructors.”


East_Deer7419

No, no, no absolutely not in the autism statement... the Autism has NOTHING to do with this situation. He answered how anyone would and moved on how anyone would. It was a perfectly normal response and reaction. The whole Autism thing is purely an attempt to influence the narrative and serves only to try to undercut and villify those with Autism. In this context it would be no different than saying the brother was Asian, or black, Jewish or some other unrelated characteristic as a racist or ableist tool to label and degrade him based on bigoted stereotypes.


xEllimistx

According to the OP, his brother explicitly stated…. > As an autistic person, I don’t like cops for obvious reasons At least, based on that, autism did have something to do with the situation. Even if you want to argue that the OP only included it as a way to devalue his brothers position, the brother still said what he said. I don’t disagree that the brother handled it appropriately. He wanted to move on the second he was made aware of the offense taken. But to say his autism had *nothing* to do with it isn’t correct. That was the primary factor for the brothers dislike of police.


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Still_Service_2585

"fuck the police"..I mean the OP probably does that ...if you know what i mean


Covert_Pudding

OP heard that once, took it literally and never looked back


bottledhope33

*and after we got done, I said lady what's ya number She said 911*


sugarypi3

I was abt to say the same thing but I just decided to call them pigs lol


girlpriest_

YTA, how was he supposed to know your girlfriend is a cop until she told him?? He was just answering your question. Your gf’s reaction was overblown and your reaction was also overblown. Good luck on your relationship with a cop who has a severe victim complex, maybe you’re perfect for each other!


SpamLandy

I’m interested in the fact OP didn’t mention his girlfriend was a cop, actually. His brother is clearly from a group who have historically not always had good experiences with cops. Either OP is aware of this and chose not to bring it up, or didn’t consider why having dinner with a cop might be uncomfortable for his brother. Honestly if the same happened to me without someone telling me they were dating a cop I would not be thrilled.


ctrl_alt-del3

YTA he wasn’t personally insulting HER. He gave his opinion on the cops working in his neighborhood. If the comment doesn’t apply to you, no need to be offended. The fact she got offended means she fits the comment he made. Even if he wasn’t autistic and if he was NT it would still make you the AH, he did nothing wrong. Tell your girlfriend to grow a backbone.


Master_Post4665

He has been your brother all these years and you clearly still don’t understand autism. Your girlfriend has a very thin skin if she is upset over this. He did not know she was a cop. When he realized, he tried to move on. His comments were not about her personally. I’ve said I hate lawyers, but I have friends who are attorneys. Let this go.


akula_chan

And thin-skinned cops are not who I want to “protect and serve”.


Mobile-Feed-9928

OP's girlfriend should work as a Dutch police officer for a while. They need to have really thick skin since you can state your opinion directly to their face and they can't do anything about it because of freedom of speech. For example, you can tell a Dutch police officer that in your opinion, he's an ass. As long as you state that it's your opinion, they can't do anything. If you don't state that, it's insulting a police officer and you get a hefty fine.


Turbulent-Gear8503

US supreme court has already ruled you can tell a cop to fuck off and it's protected speech under the 1st ammendment. But of course, they'll make shit up and try to arrest the person for breach of peace or disturbing the peace or some other bullshit charge that they know won't stick just to inconvenience the person. US cops don't actually know or care about enforcing the laws they've 'sworn to uphold', they just want compliance with what they think the law means and you better respect their ego.


QuitProfessional5437

YTA Your gf asked a question and he answered truthfully. Why are you punishing him for answering a question? Just because you and your gf didn't like the answer doesn't mean he's in the wrong. You shouldn't have kicked him out or made a big deal out of it.


RaKjellt

YTA. Also, how can your girlfriend even work as a cop if she is that thin skinned? And in general, don't ask questions if you don't want answers.


kal_el_diablo

>how can your girlfriend even work as a cop if she is that thin skinned? It's easy to stay thin-skinned when everyone has to defer to you because you're basically allowed to murder them on a whim.


TrumpGrabbedMyCat

>YTA. Also, how can your girlfriend even work as a cop if she is that thin skinned? Because if someone insults her in the street she can make up a crime and just arrest them.


NUT-me-SHELL

YTA. Don’t ask questions you don’t want honest answers to. He didn’t insult your girlfriend, he gave an honest opinion on a topic you brought up. Perhaps your girlfriend should spend some time asking herself why she was so offended if she knows she’s good at her job…


Awesomefan09

YTA. >my brother's autistic and is super blunt. He genuinely has little control over that, according to his therapists. You really need to ask us? Get a blunt answer from a blunt person. He even tried to drop it and you wouldn’t let it go. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.


East_Deer7419

How was it blunt? I've heard the same thing from a ton of people, none of whom were in the spectrum. It was a normal answer to a general question.


9F00FF

It's just the brother's ableist excuse to be an AH. "My brother's autistic so everything he says is blunt and rude so I can overreact and blame it on his autism." Like, no. The brother wasn't being blunt or rude and is clearly learning social skills in therapy. (He recognized it was a touchy subject and tried changing the subject in order to avoid this very thing.) Edit: When I say "It's just the brother's ableist excuse..." I'm referring to the OP.


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Bored_in_2020

Honestly, YTA for not having more understanding of your neurodivergent brother and for not better preparing your partner to meet him


Awesomefan09

For real. This is basically “Ugh, why is my brother who is autistic behaving exactly how I understand he would behave in this situation?”


East_Deer7419

It was not an autistic response. It was a normal response.


East_Deer7419

No, no, no... his neurodivergence has nothing to do with this and your just feeding into OPs attempts to weaponize autism against his brother. It was a normal response that I've heard from countless people. The he tried to move on and drop the subject which is way better than I've heard from a ton of people.


DeepFudge9235

YTA, he didn't say anything directed to your GF but the profession in general in the neighborhood. You didn't need to make him apologize and he stopped as soon as you told him. You made a big deal out of this and you behaved badly. You owe your brother an apology.


Portie_lover

YTA - he didn’t literally say he didn’t like her or she was useless at her job.


MystiqTakeno

YTA definitly. Your brother was asked about his opinion on something, you know hes autistic and super blunt, didnt even warned him that your GF is cop in the neightbours so he could perhaps try to prevent it had he know and yet you act like its fully his fault? Nah OP this is on you and potentionally your GF. He also was talking globally about the police not specifilcly about your GF, youre overreacting, it might be to an extend understandable from your GF, but not from you. YTA for sure.


introverted_gemini28

YTA. You overreacted to a general statement made by your autistic brother. He wasn't insulting her and didn't know she's a cop. You two blew it up out of proportion. Your brother tried to move past the comment and that was for the best. You're not always going to like the profession of your family and friends. No apologies needed, just try not to bring it up.


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rough-landing

YTA. Your brother talked down about the profession that your girlfriend chose. He did not insult her personally or her character. Is he not allowed to talk about such a huge profession? Is he not allowed to question the police because she's present in the room and will be personally offended by that? That just seems silly to me. You both took it way too far.


MystiqTakeno

Id like to point out that he wasnt even awared of OP´ GFs profession. Perhaps if he knew he would choose different topic, passed on it or something. But seriously I see no reason why fault the brother for truthfully answering the question withnout any real informations.


MotherOfCrotchFruit

YTA You asked and he answered. He said he didn’t like the cops in his neighborhood. He is allowed to not like them. He had no way of knowing she worked there. He tried to change the subject and move on and you and your girlfriend escalated it. Y’all are both assholes


stropette

YTA. You set them both up. I find it hard to believe that you didn't already know that he didn't like the police, so you should have primed them both or just kept them apart. And you inflamed the situation by demanding he apologise when he said 'moving on'. He had more sensitivity and tact than you did. Also, he's right. It's embarrassing that you need internet strangers for this one.


Yusada

Your brother sounds awesome.


UncleSamsBxtch

Honestly YTA


CharlieGolfTango

YTA. You started out strong on the AH scale with, "according to his therapists" and continued on being the AH right up until the end.


SnooRecipes298

YTA and this was a missed opportunity for your gf to talk to one of the citizens in her community about why the cops in this neighborhood are being perceived negatively. Instead she reacted immaturely and reinforced his negative perception of cops. It is especially troublesome that she would treat her bf’s own brother who she is meeting for the first time like this. It makes me wonder how she would react if a total stranger said something negatively about cops.


Still_Service_2585

YTA and a massive one, your brother did nothing wrong ...he just answered her question and he did not need to apologise because he did not say that ur gf was a bad person directly...he rather said he didn't like cops in the neighborhood which is his opinion and he was talking about the majority...ur friends are correct and for your info mostly girls friends tend to support them no matter how shitty their decisions are which isn't a good thing and thats what ur girlfriends friends did..ur gf is rather too sensitive if she got offended by that ...if u still think ur brother did a massive mistake and is wrong then do him a favour and stay away from him dude


Trouble_in_Mind

*Meanwhile I'm sitting here like...why does he hate cops in relation to his autism??? Literally don't know the connection, no autistic people I know specifically hate cops or would ever tweet/snap/insta about them being pigs.* YTA though. You really don't get to ask his opinion then get pissy. He also didn't insult your GF specifically, had no way of knowing she's a cop, and tried to immediately change topics. He did nothing wrong.


wizardofazkaStan

according to both TIME magazine and NAMI (the national alliance on mental illness), people with disabilities make up between one third and half of all fatal police shootings. police are often called when people are having psychotic episodes or “behaving erratically,” even if the person isn’t posing a risk to themselves or anyone else, and too often they respond with (lethal) force. i cant speak for OP’s brother, but that’s a pretty great reason not to like cops in my book. especially ones like the brother’s gf who can’t see past their own egos to acknowledge the problems in our systems.


Ashamed-Ad-263

Unfortunately this just happened in New Mexico this past week with an elderly grandmother with dementia who only spoke Spanish. The children begged the officer involved to be gentle with her that she was sick, wouldn't hurt anyone and didn't understand him repeatedly. Unfortunately she died during her interaction with that one officer. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying all police are like this and will respond in such a manner. We need police, but they need to be properly trained (which he apparently was?). The police have literally saved my life on more than one occasion throughout my lifetime, but I also know not everyone is cut out to be a police officer. It's a higher calling for sure.


Trouble_in_Mind

I'll look into the articles, I had no clue! Ty for the info!


KindContribution4

It has to do with discrimination and cops poor handling of situations involving neurodivergent people. A lot of “suspicious behaviors” for cops are normal behaviors of autistic people. Also, many times cops escalate situations to violence and hate when dealing with neurodivergent people.


The-Shattering-Light

Very much this. ND people are at significantly elevated risk of violence from cops.


EwokCafe

There have been numerous cases in which police have killed or injured autistic people who were having a meltdown due to not understanding the situation and viewing the behavior as a threat. There have also been cases where nonverbal has been an issue, and others where not expressing directions clearly led to increased tension. My cousin has autism and we've been concerned for his safety should be ever be stopped by the police. He's big but harmless, but doesn't handle social interaction well and would likely freak out.


Trouble_in_Mind

Ty for the explanation! None of my friends are nonverbal and most received therapy that helped them cope/minimize meltdowns/etc. I'll double check with them how comfortable they are with police but this is already making me consider how badly those interactions*could* and likely *do* go down for people.


ArbitraryAngelfish

Police are often not well trained to interact with people who are neurodivergent and many do a poor job at it. Even well-meaning officers can unintentionally cause problems, and not all officers are well-meaning.


CapriciousPenguin

In the US, the first responders to a mental health crisis are cops. Here, cops are also extremely militarized and trained in a manner emphasizing that everything around them is a threat and that their life is in danger at all times (also, many cops are veterans, and many veterans have poorly treated trauma issues, which leads to hypervigilance, which is a compounding factor). They are not trained in learning compassionate de-escalation tactics that is able to differentiate a person acting erratically because they are dangerous versus because they are somehow unwell or in distress. This leads to tragic results for many disabled people, particularly neurodivergent people of color. I can think of at least five different examples of *fatal police encounters with autistic people specifically, off the top of my head, Elijah McClain being the most infuriating and tragic example coming to mind. ETA: word choice


SordidOrchid

Remember reading that veterans are less violent cops than non military trained cops. That the military has a higher standard for rules of engagement. Many of the tactics cops use against their own citizens are illegal for our military to use against foreign combatants. Essentially, more was expected of them.


MissAnthropy_YIKES

>YTA though. You really don't get to ask his opinion then get pissy. He also didn't insult your GF specifically, had no way of knowing she's a cop, and tried to immediately change topics. He did nothing wrong. Exactly. YTA.


fastyellowtuesday

YTA sooooo much. 'Oh. Moving on then' was the MOST polite thing he could have possibly said. He made a statement of opinion not knowing it would refer to her. As soon as he found out, instead of going off on her, or doubling down, he stopped and tried to change the subject. He's right: you can't ask his opinion and be mad when he gives it. Autism doesn't even factor into that statement. He DID do nothing wrong. I am not autistic. I don't think I could have handled that better.


BlvckUzi

YTA. He told the truth. You put words in his mouth. He answered your question and you were butt hurt about it. Don't ask dumbass questions you don't want the answers to.


Bloodrayna

YTA and so is your girlfriend. Cops, like any other profession, can benefit from a little constructive criticism. And he didn't know she was a cop when he answered her questions about the neighborhood. He shouldn't have to apologize.


YoungFrisk

YTA, you and your girlfriend are both drama queens


Infamous-Wasabi-9007

YTA He did not know that your GF was a police officer in that area. Without that knowledge, there is no way to interpret his comments as a direct insult to her as an individual.


ArbitraryAngelfish

YTA. Your brother expressed that the police officers he has encountered in his neighborhood are bad at their jobs. It wasn't personally directed at her and he didn't even know what she did for a living. The only reason she has for getting defensive is if she is in fact useless at her job.


geoffiscool1992

he didnt insult her directly he insulted the industry.


Zagriel55

YTA - you know how blunt your brother can be, he wasn't trying to insult your wife but both of you took it that way. Your brother wanted to keep the peace and tried to move on from the subject wich you weren't having.


_whatswrong_withme_

YTA. Your brother is the most logical person in this scenario. If your girlfriend is good at her job, she shouldn't feel surprised by the fact that bad cops exist. Apart from that, your brother didn't make a personal comment. You just went looking for trouble.


SuzieQbert

Obvious YTA Do you often assign wrongdoing to your brother, and attempt to shore up your BS by pointing at his diagnosis?


fallingfaster345

YTA. Your brother actually didn’t do anything wrong. You did ask for his opinion and he answered the question honestly. Why should he apologize for that? He didn’t know what your girlfriend did for a living, so it wasn’t a personal attack on her. She shouldn’t take it as such. He DIDN’T say he didn’t like your girlfriend and that SHE was useless at her job. He made a very sweeping generalization about police officers in the area in an answer to an innocuous question. Does she even park on the sidewalk? And if so, why is she so bothered to be informed that a citizen doesn’t like it? She way over reacted. I think you do, too. Seems like your brother is the one owed the apology.


Slight_Flamingo_7697

YTA He had trouble with the ones he interacted with. If your girlfriend were a good cop, instead of getting butthurt, she would have been sad to hear that he's had bad experiences and want to make it clear that she isn't like those people and if he has concerns about other officers that he can come to her. Instead you put words in his mouth. YOU were the one who called her useless. If she had been a dentist in his area and he says he'd had bad experiences with dentists, would you have immediately freaked out? The problem with the "Not all blank" argument sometimes is that the person making it thinks they are the one being talked about when they aren't. If she's a good cop who did not do the things he said, his concerns should have made her want to try to improve things and clear up misconceptions. Since she instead took it personally, even though it was your words, not his, that means that she felt what he said included her. Does she do what he says the cops in his area do? If not, then why would she be bothered? And you're the one that escalated things after he tried to drop the subject after giving an honest answer and twisted it into something malicious. He didn't even know she was a cop apparently, so why the heck would either of you assume it was meant as a personal jab at her? Extreme overreaction on your part and you certainly did nothing to allay his mistrust of officers. You both owe him an apology for freaking out over nothing.


No_Resolution_6337

YTA Your girlfriend asked a leading question and was upset by the result. That’s fully on her. Your brother is better at communicating than both of you combined. He wasn’t blunt. He answered the question not knowing there was a wrong answer and you both flipped out.


Swimming_Pressure

LMAO at your cop girlfriend clearly demonstrating the exact cop bullshit your brother was talking about. Your brother has every reason not to like or trust cops and it sounds like you’ve just shown him not to trust you either. YTA.


melorahhh

YTA. He tried to recover the conversation and move on. Even if it was taken as an insult, his responses that you reported indicate that his autistic mind literally does not process his statements in the same way as yours. This means he's being honest when he says he wasn't trying to insult her personally. Maybe she's awesome at her job and other cops are the ones seen parked on sidewalks, so he's just commenting on her co-workers and not her. FFS, your brother is trying here. Your reaction is making it more difficult for him. You can try to calmly explain that some people hear things in a way that's different from what he means, but don't reject his feelings or the fact that his brain handles information differently.


justforaita007

YTA. I think telling your brother in advance that your girlfriend is a cop is a good idea. There are some professions where it's good to tell people in advance to avoid situations like this. It also seems like you escalated this into a fight which didn't need to happen. He probably should have apologised to keep the peace, but I think he's less in the wrong, even without considering the autism.


Awkward_Joke_5748

YTA you asked him a question and he gave you his honest opinion. You in a way walked right into that one, because someone who is autistic and blunt will tell you exactly what they think if you ask them.


Complex_Opposite6332

Yta. Your gf chose to join one of the most hated professions in America. Disregard what your brother said. If she can't handle that people loathe her for a choice she made, then maybe she should reconsider her life choices.


cassowary32

YTA. Does he have to preface everything with "Not all cops" like some men would like to parrot "Not all men" when a man assaults a woman? He has negative feelings about cops and if you haven't been a coma for the last 20 years, you'd understand why.


bblovedoll

Y-are obviously-TA. You asked his opinion, he answered. If you, or your girlfriend, were looking for praise you should have just moved on. Edit: I wanted to add OP, you do realize your brother has a genuine right to be afraid/have an issue with the police. When it comes to people with autism or, hell, neurotypical people in general, they’re not exactly known for their charming behavior. (Edited again for clarity)


gre3n-light1gn

YTA. You asked your brother for his opinion on a subject and then chastised him for expressing it. Not only that, you twisted his words to make it sound like he had insulted your girlfriend when he never said anything about her in the first place. The only ones who brought her into the conversation were you and your girlfriend. Going even further your brother was the one who elected to drop the topic altogether once you brought up your girlfriend being on the force in relation to his comment and you kept pushing him for an answer to a comment that he didn’t make. Both of you were bloody immature.


Cherenkov-Effect

YTA for dating a cop.


CapriciousPenguin

YTA for making it personal. Even if he weren't autistic, he would not be TA because he didn't know and didn't personally insult her. You were the one who made it a problem and you were the one who was rude in kicking out your guest when he's your autistic brother and you are the one who blew an awkward comment WAY out of proportion. You owe him an apology, big time.


Beneficial_Rain_9188

You and your gf are TA and a prime example of why autistic people have issues with cops. I mean the two of you have worse communication skills combined than one autistic young man. Half the time cops KILL or attack autistic people using the excuse of "suspicious activity". She asked about his experience. He gave a general response. Then you both stuffed words into his mouth, talked over him, gaslit him and generally had a fucking meltdown within minutes. That is NOT. NORMAL. Two grown adults with less self control and grace than your neurodivergent brother. You and your gf have anger issues. That meltdown from both of you? I'd bet money that you've had more than one drunken fight night if this your version of normal. Even when you retell the story you admit in your own words your brother said NONE of what you accused him of. WE KNOW BECAUSE YOU JUST OUTLINED THE CONVERSATION 😒 You both just suck. Leave your brother alone for his sake. Having your drama around will just fuck his life up.


seventeenblackbirds

What was he meant to say at the point where you guys dragged him back to the subject? "Well, I'm sure you're one of the good ones?" It's not as though he set out to affront her, but conversationally speaking, that ship has sailed...


MeringueLifejacket

YTA + gf, and this part particularly >She got up and said that if she really was that bad of a person, she'd avoid him in order to not be a burden on him for the rest of the night. Is just... so... urgh. "Fine! Because I'm *such* a *terrible monster* I'll just *leave*!!!" On the plus side though, your girlfriend sure proved all those opinions that cops are often irrational and tend to escalate things needlessly wrong/s


Old_Illustrator8930

Brudda, you took your cop gf side over blood. Maybe she should have explained herself as he did. Wow..so wrong and uncalled for.


anon8496847385

Clearly YTA. What he said wasn’t even that bad. He didn’t even know she was a cop. Also he is totally right. What he said and what you said he said are different.


IllustratorNew8801

YTA he was asked a trick question


This_Grab_452

YTA He literally didn’t tell your gf he doesn’t like her. That would have been: “Hey brother’s gf, I don’t like you.” He shared an opinion based on observation. All on the topic he was asked about. You and your gf blew it out of proportion and you should apologize.


car55tar5

YTA He was being honest. You asked. Also cops are problematic AF and I don't feel bad for your gf at all. You decide to be affiliated with cops... you reap what you sow.


Covert_Pudding

YTA, and maybe your gf should take his criticism of herself and her fellow officers constructively instead of acting like it was a personal insult when it clearly wasn't.


afondcowabunga

Sounds like your girlfriend is exactly the kind of cop he’s talking about. You twisted his words and she got upset over something that didn’t happen. And with you two being a decade older than him, embarrassing for the both of you. He has every right to feel as though police don’t have his best interests in mind; have you ever considered how he might be feeling? Don’t ask questions if you don’t want answers. And by golly, tell your girlfriend to wear a bulletproof vest all over her body if she’s going to be wounded by someone’s words. YTA.


SkullBearer5

Sounds like a cop to me. Gets whiny if the world and its dog doesn't lick her boots. Bet she's sorry she couldn't beat up your brother with her cop friends. YTA for dating a cop.


laude_nam

YTA Your brother expressed his opinion. He wasn't being rude, he had no idea your girlfriend was a police officer. And the cops I used to work with had tons of jokes about working third shift. For example: If you see a cop wearing sunglasses at midnight, don't startle him/her, they're sleeping. I went to the junkyard today, got a Crown Vic seat, I can't sleep in a bed anymore.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M35) invited my brother (M23) out to my place in Staten Island for dinner. (I'll mention right now that my brother's autistic and is super blunt. He genuinely has little control over that, according to his therapists.) Anyway, we sat down for pasta. He met my girlfriend and they got along well at first. Eventually, things started not going so well. She asked him what he didn't like about his new neighborhood. He said, "Probably our cops. As an autistic person, I don't like cops for obvious reasons, but the ones in [neighborhood] literally park on the sidewalk and don't do their jobs." I stopped him there, and my girlfriend told him she's a cop in that neighborhood. He just said, "Oh. Moving on then." I told him he was being needed to apologize, and he claimed he didn't know what he did wrong. I said, "You literally just told my girlfriend you don't like her and that she's useless at her job." He said, "That's clearly not what I said. Regardless, you can't just ask me for my opinion on something and get mad when I express it." She got up and said that if she really was that bad of a person, she'd avoid him in order to not be a burden on him for the rest of the night. I told her that wouldn't be necessary, and asked my brother to leave. He left, but not before saying something about how he did nothing wrong, and accused her of being passive aggressive. I told him I'd just post here to see who's really wrong, and he said, "The fact that you actually go to AITA for advice makes me embarrassed for you." So, AITA? It's been a few days, and my brother swears up and down that he did nothing wrong. He additionally posted a "114 are pigs" message to his Snapchat story, which I'm guessing is a dig at her. Among my friends and my girlfriend's friends, the opinion's pretty divided. My friends agree with my brother, while her friends think he's being a brat. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


BellaDonnaBoudreaux

YTA


Gummy_yumyum

YTA.


fautedemieux

YTA FTP


Full-Ruin-1736

Wow making problems out of nothing with a person that’s a few fries short of a happy meal… grow the fuck up… yta