By - Theshutuplabor
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1for telling my wife to shut up during labor for saying motivational quotes
2 leaving her embarrassed and almost ruining the moment for her.
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NTA Fathers get cursed up, down, and sideways by laboring mothers and get over it just fine. Your wife should be able to handle a "shut up", lol.
I mean, it’s pretty much a trope in every comedy (and even some dramas) movie ever made with a woman cursing the husband to hell and back. It’s funny cause it’s true to life. When you’re in that much pain sometimes comfort just sounds grating, and disingenuous.
For real. I was just shy of 42 weeks and my mom was staying with my husband and I to help before and during birth. Anyways it was like the day before I started induction and I was uncomfortable and stressed (I wanted a birth center birth and I was about to time out of their window) and we were all sitting at the table for lunch and my husband snort laughed at something (which tbf I never liked sound wise but he’s his own human and allowed to make sounds even if I don’t like them) and I just snapped as was like “are you TRYING to annoy me” super shitty like. My husband looked totally taken aback and offended and my mom just started laughing and said “oh yeah, she’s ready to be done.” It legit broke the tension and I apologized and he laughed about how offended he got.
42 weeks! Girl you must've been like "If you don't get this baby out my--"
I went 42 weeks with my first. Those extra weeks are their own special hell. The evil mini me emerged 5 hours before I was due to be induced. (She turns 13 in a week she is in fact a tiny evil copy of myself, not just calling her evil cuz she over stayed her welcome in the womb)
When my daughter was born, via c-section, one of the docs who assisted (resident I think) stoped to say that my daughter gave them the “ugliest” look when they were getting her out and that cracked us up and also cemented her name sake
"How dare you evict me from my comfy uterus"
Well with the housing market being what it is it’s understandable that they would resent having to move.
I snort laughed at that 😂
Are you TRYING to annoy u/jenguinaf?
Pretty much, she didn’t want to come out, stubborn then as she is now, lol.
And love it! Challenging, sure, but so worth it for a strong willed child!!
Might be why my almost 1 year old screams as loud as he can. He was nestled on my left side and caused constant pain in my left butt cheeks. I was a scheduled C-section and they had to pull him to the center before they could pull him out.
My second was a scheduled c section and she must have known it, because she stayed in her comfy place the whole pregnancy. Head up by ribs, feet down. She did not want to come out. That doc was so far in me, sweating trying to get her out. She probably left claw marks on my uterus on her way out.
Hahaha I had twins...the first one was vaginal, then #2 was all like, "YES!!! finally there is room in here!" The doctors lost her vitals and freaked...he put his hand in to try and get her and I screamed at him, "I am not a cow, you can't stick you hand all the way up there!" (I was a little panicked, LOL)
Anyway, #2 was crash c-section...little brat was just scaring us (and enjoying her freedom)...
I was a c-section, and according to my mom, I was NOT happy about my sudden eviction from the womb. She said I looked pissed and immediately tried to yeet myself out of the doctor’s arms
Haha, I was told mine gave the doctor the BEST side-eye, like perfect obvious meme level.
2 kids, both heads down, one sunny side up, one with his spine on my right side. Induced both times. With my older one, I was already pushing for an hour when the chief resident said he is not budging and went to get the attending. She came in and gave me 3 choices, keep pushing and hope the little bugger turns, c-section, or she internally rotate him (exactly like it sounds). Keep in mind my epidural failed 3 times. My husband said to do a c-section, I told him he was stupid and insane if he thinks I would consent to be cut open AFTER I dilated and pushed for almost 2 hours at this point. I picked internal rotation, took another hour for him to turn properly, and he was out quick after that.
…And I had to do it again with my second…funnily enough with the same attending. This time though, at least my epidural worked. 😂
we all say stupid things in the heat of pain and whatnot. NTA.
Hey, I was at 42 weeks as well! Two days shy of 43. That kid did not want to come out. My mother flew out for the birth and eventually had to go home. When I finally had him, the nurse only had to gel me and he basically flew out, four hours start to finish. It was beautiful. He was enormously overcooked. Then my youngest came a few years later. Fifteen hours of hell followed by an emergency C-section. Whatever happens during that time is fair game. My sister tore all of her husband's armpit hair out during her first.
Mad respect for your sister.
Enormously overcooked 😆
Then followed by imagining arm hair being ripped out... literally stopped giggling. Very memorable post!
Mine was just a week over, but overcooked is right. His big feet were wrinkly like he’d been in the bath too long!
Ha! I love that. All these other parents at the breastfeeding class were holding these tiny, normal sized bundles. I looked like I smuggled toddler Charlie Brown in there. That tiny little hat they give you for baby just kept sliding off his head every time I pulled it down.
You are cracking me up! She's been evil from the beginning, eh? Lol
Nah, after being born until she was about 7 I thought she was the sweet version of me. The true evil just started when she turned like 11 though, and it just keeps getting worse lol. At her age I just wanted to explore the woods, draw fairies, and read books... she's over here drawing gore and acting like she runs this house. Told her when she pays bills she can make the rules
Me too. Had to have my waters broken and induced by drip. They had the drip up too high and I was getting ridiculous contractions right off the bat.
That gas and air though. I love that stuff.
42+1 for me… I threatened divorce because he kept telling me to breathe 😂😩
Hour 29 of labour, failed epidural, 45 minutes of pushing with being told if I didn’t get the baby out on the next push, they’d need forceps, and I thought my husband was laughing at me as I pushed because he sniffled. I gripped his hand as hard as I could and literally hissed under my breath, “I will break your nose if you don’t stop fucking laughing, I swear to fucking God.” …..he was not laughing, he was crying, the first and only time I’ve ever seen him cry, because he was so excited to meet his son. And I threatened him with a re-arrangement of his face 😂
Yup. He was encouraging me to push "you fucking push next time!" my mom was silently cracking up until I shoved her with my foot because she kept patting it.
I laughed way too hard at this 🤣🤣🤣
Can confirm. I was admitted at 42 weeks for an induction. That was the Monday morning, and I still didn't go into labour til late Wednesday (born Thursday). I was so over the whole pregnancy by that point. And when I finally went into full labour it was very quick and forced with drugs (LOs heart rate dipped so they panicked and cranked the hormone drip up to maximum). So my body wasn't ready and the birth was extremely traumatic on it. Had to go into surgery following the birth and couldn't hold my child for days.
And people wonder why I'm One and Done lol.
Lol pretty much, I was SOOOO over it. I did midwife led induction (not knocking it but didn’t work for me) for two days before being admitted. Ended up with a c-section. It was a tiring and wild ride. Fondest of my life still though!!
My exact quote was “shut the f*ck up I don’t want to hear anything from you” when he tried to help me with the breathing. Still married 17 years later.
For me, it was the synchronized, "Breathe, breathe, breathe" of a nurse & my ex. I think I said something like, "Can one of you shut up?"
When Mom was in hospital for my oldest sister, Dad crinkled a cracker wrapper and Mom went off on him.
Right? Never experienced this from either side (and never will), but it’s always been clear that labor and childbirth is one of those extreme circumstances where shit like this just gets said and you disregard any offensiveness and focus on what the person is telling you *they need.* B/c extreme pain can make people say shit they would never otherwise say. If your guts are being actively ripped open, why would you care about diplomacy?
Fuck it, this is worse. OP's wife *pressured* her into a birth experience she did not want just because she liked it when she gave birth. That's fucked up. It was her birth experience, and she can rightfully be pissed at her wife for making it terrible.
The wife then gave a new mother the Silent Treatment. Thats so messed up. She sounds a bit emotionally abusive to me.
Yeah the wife is TA. I’m a nurse and when the pregnant mother to be tells you the birth they want, you don’t lily pad over what they said they wanted and tell her what is best. Then to act all hurt when she was given feedback that was true, and silent treatment the new mother? I think the wife owes OP a huge apology. She has given birth and should know better.
Yeah, it's creepy and controlling.
Honestly, I think it's part of why OP's wife is so upset. She *knows* that this wasn't what OP wanted and it's her fault. She's mad at OP because she feels guilty.
This whole comment thread should be higher.
I agree with everything you’ve all said.
Unfortunately understanding that the silent treatment came from guilt doesn’t change the fact that OP’s partner is STILL putting her own emotions ahead of OP’s.
She gave her the silent treatment right after birth? Because of one damn unpleasant comment? She shuts down instead of communicates.
OP your partner centers her emotions over yours time and time again. You need to think about what that means for you.
She even centers her feelings over the very real help you need following childbirth. She isn’t thinking about context—she just wants to pout and you to coddle her. As if it’s YOUR job to fix her emotions.
She even has you now going back on what you said before. You edit is you trying to downplay the pain and trauma of childbirth to alleviate her feelings of guilt.
That’s not okay. Why do your very real feelings cease to matter in favor of hers?
But your partner is controlling and emotionally manipulative.
They don’t always get over it.
I knew this woman who had a poor relationship with her his and for years. When they retired they went to marriage counselling, and it turns out that he was cold with her their whole life together because she had said “I hate you” during labour!
wow, that’s just ridiculous. That’s like elementary-school mindset
Yeah she was pretty salty that he hadn’t mentioned it in the 20-something years since!
I can hold onto grudges like lifeline… but dang. That’s some bullshit nonsense!
ugh, this reminds me of someone I fell out with just reading. people like that are pathetic, voice issues openly! why wait 20-something years when a few hours in my anxious ass wouldve said 'you didnt really mean that right? or, did i do something wrong before then?'
The mother was Anakin Skywalker and the father was Obi Wan, it's understandable
Yeah, I thought SHE yelled at her laboring wife at first, instead of the other way around. I was thinking, "Don't yell at a terrified pregnant person!" And then I read it was the pregnant person yelling and thought, "Oh course she yelled, she was in pain and scared. Suck it up," lol.
She gave her a silent treatment directly after coming home! This is punishment. And ruined the moment?! She makes the whole thing about herself! OP was in labour, pressed the child out, but it is HER moment! And OP needs to be punished for ruining it!
I really think, she should have a critical look on her relationship. Does she often get punishments if she doesn't behave like she "should"? Does her wife is more a narcissist, everything is about her? Is it me, me, Me all the times?! What she wants, what she feels... and never care about her?
The wife stewing over this fur days is the one ruining the birth if their child.
Yep my wife told the delivery people to shut the fuck up. No one even batted an eye. Later they casually joked "shut the fuck up" is almost as nice as thank you.
I threatened to throw my husband's ipad at his head because he was looking at it too much and not helping me enough. Pissed me right off.
Yeah, I shouted it generically into the (loud) delivery room. I needed it quiet. So I definitely shouted "Can you all just shut the fuck up?" All these nurses chatting about their day just pissed me TF off.
My cousin clawed her husband and yelled "you did this to me, I'm gonna kill you" during labour. He took it really well and understands that it was a lot of pain and emotions for her. The family jokes about it now.
My husband actually told me after the birth of our daughter that he was surprised and slightly disappointed that I didn't threaten to kill him while I was in labor. He had apparently been waiting for it the whole time. If they hadn't given me the epidural when they did, we may have gotten to this point, but I thought it was funny he was expecting it.
My ex-husband asked for his hand back between contractions. Quickly took his ring off where I'd CRUSHED it into his finger and then wordlessly gave his hand back to me for the next one.
There are a lot of reasons we're no longer together, but when I was in labor, I never loved him more.
> There are a lot of reasons we're no longer together, but when I was in labor, I never loved him more.
Maybe it's because I just woke up and the coffee hasn't kicked in yet but man that hit me right in the feels 😭
Haha! It's alright. Sometimes he and I are chill, and other times he reminds me exactly why we didn't work out.
I try very hard to find the bits of him that I loved in my kids.
He was ready and a team player. Sounds like a good husband
I had to be induced, also had to be on an antibiotic IV during labor. Before I got the epidural, I was in enough pain that I threw my shoe at my napping husband and yelled "If I can't sleep, neither can you!!"
He still laughs about it to this day. Totally NTA here!
Similar happened to me. Except the only thing I had was a pillow. He still laughs about it. Especially since his older sister told me to yeet something big and hard at his head 😂
My wife tried to play that game, I ended up falling asleep from exhaustion and she had to call a nurse because she couldn't wake me up
Yeahhh.. I encouraged my husband to rest. I get the mindset, but I needed him to be on his A Game for birth and after to care for the baby while I was recovering.
I came here to say this. My wife swore at me for a minute straight while birthing our second child (sans epidural), and neither I nor the nurses took her seriously. She can get as filthy as she wants while pushing a human being out of her vagina-- a feat that's roughly analogous to me pushing a blueberry out of my penis.
I think it would be bigger than a blueberry. The cervix is like the size of a pin to start. It goes from basically nothing to 10cm.
That is pretty much 4" folks...FOUR inches!! CM never scared me before I had kids but when I found out it was 4" it scared the hell out of me (this was 28 years ago in Merica' where we do the inches).
More like a watermelon out of a Pringles can.
Sir, how is "urethra--->blueberry" anywhere close to a pinhole expanding to 8 or 10 mm to accommodate a 35 centimeter head?
What’s even weirder to me is that her wife has also been through labor and doesn’t understand this.
Not all labours are equal. So many different factors can affect how the body reacts, never mind individual personalities. It's quite possible the wife didn't experience as much pain as OP. Still a crappy thing to be salty about.
I'm disabled and constantly in pain. I'm not in control of what comes out of my mouth during an unexpected stabby pain. Or when I'm hungry and someone's slowing my access to food.
It also very possible if OPs wife gave birth again it would not be as painless! My sister had a pretty pain free first birth but her second one was awful!!
Kids gonna say worse than “shut up” to her. She needs to get thicker skin as kids are brutal. 😆
I told my husband to fuck off when I was pushing because I was getting annoyed with his coaching. He grinned and bore it and mentions it as a joke now. NTA
NTA, this comment exactly! I told my husband who had a kind of “been here, done this” attitude, sat back and put his feet on the bed that “this is a hospital, if he puts his feet on my bed one more time I would cut them off and he’d leave in a wheelchair”. Super chill person here, still not sure where that came from and e everyone that witnessed it still laughs about 25 years later!
Right? You cant hold a birthing mother's words against her during childbirth unless those words are "This is your brothers baby". Then maybe.
Honestly? It's reassuring to know it also happens in lesbian couples :D
I couldn’t talk in mine but I flipped off everyone in the room (mum, husband, many medical staff) for the last 10 mins or so. It’s far as I know, no hard feelings. Especially once I could talk again and explain how irritating it was that they were talking about holiday plans while I was producing a whole person
NTA. She needs to suck it up. For Pete’s sake.
The only reason my husband didn’t get cussed out was because he decided to take a peek at what the doctor was doing, immediately burst into tears, and I had such a hard time trying not to laugh (it makes it more painful) that I don’t have the energy to cuss.
I remember telling my husband to:
- Shut up (when he asked if I was really sure I wanted epidural as we wanted to go natural)
- Almost broke his hand
- Told him to shut up again when he say he was tired
Hell, the hospital staff actually noted the point where I stopped swearing as the point where I was too exhausted to keep going. I had a c-section shortly after.
IMHO (that doesn't count that high in this case, I'm a married man but no father ;-) ) a labouring mother has the right to say anything! She can curse, swear at and scream at anything/anyone she wants to and has to, from the partner, to the nurses/docs/midwives even up to all the gods...
It's a complete exceptional situation... There are no filters, no manners, just a woman, pain and a heavy cocktail of hormones mangled together in an act of force, violence and yet so miraculous..
So NTA, the wife is ridiculous, if she takes things said in labour as truth,even if it's true (I don't arrogate to can judge this) she has to suck it up and take it as a grownup...
Maybe it is jealousy... Likely not even conscious to herself... Hormones can fuck up your brain pretty hard...
Op is not in the wrong, the wife is
I was for so Y T A, when I read the title, and then I saw that Op was the one giving birth!! 😄 We would have chewed out the partner saying it to their birthing partner, but sulking over the mother saying that during birth, is ridiculous. You were the one in pain, at that moment, and she has no right to diminish your pain, because she lived different her own experience of giving birth.
This is so true! I cursed my then husband, and a few midwives too! I had to go around apologising to the midwives the next day when they came on shift! They were used to it though.
Oh man a shut up is so tame as well compared to the situation
I gave birth 2 times. The first was rather easy. I had to push 3 times and he was out. The second. Much more painful! It took him one hour of pushing, contraction came in every fucking 30 seconds. It was awful! And still both are easy! My friend lost so much blood she needed transfusions afterwards.
And then the stitching...
OP is by no way the AH.
NTA, she’s being absurd. People in labor get a pass for saying things that aren’t acceptable any other time. If she was truly hurt by it, she should have gently discussed it with you, but instead she gave you the silent treatment? After you just gave birth??? That’s not ok.
Is she trying to send OP into PPD? Because that's a good way to start PPD.
EXACTLY my thought. Shameful indeed.
Wife seemed really controlling about the whole birth process, like birth by proxy.
OP you should’ve had whatever birth YOU wanted. She got to choose hers and you supported her, you should’ve been able to choose yours with support.
Birth is a painful experience, not everyone does well with the encouraging words. My mom kept saying “I’m sorry, oh god I’m so sorry” and honestly it was just so funny, I think I preferred that over “you can do it, you’re so strong”, because it hurt! It was nice to have that validated and we laughed afterwards.
F your wife for making it about herself, pouting instead of supporting YOU after birth. Was she enthusiastic about you carrying this pregnancy?
I would honestly recommend counseling, you need to feel seen and heard postpartum and if she behaved this way before and after birth I am afraid she’s going to be just as pushy and controlling afterwards in regards to care and feeding. You are both equal parents with equal say, just because she did it first doesn’t mean she is more right or has more experience.
I'm pretty sure PPD can start even without external influences like that. But yeah, not great, anyway.
it can, but outside influences can affect it as well. like parents whose babies spend time in the nicu are more likely to develop ppd for example.
It is so weird that being mad (or hurt) at a "shut up" trumps the joy of having a new born baby.
It’s so weird. Either the wife had a magical easy birth, or that forgetfulness fog set in HARD. This is supposed to be one of the perks of sharing the pregnancy load in a lesbian relationship—both partners actually CAN understand what the other has experienced or is experiencing. It almost seems like the wife was judgemental of the choice for a hospital birth and that colored her reactions.
Isn't it a thing where your mind kind of pushes the memory of the pain back so that they'll continue to have kids? https://psychcentral.com/lib/childbirth-experience-determines-memory-of-pain
lol this worked with my first two kids. Not the third. Not. The. Third. No more children for me. 😆
Yes, it's weird. This doesn't give the vibe of a strong partnership if OP's partner calls all the shots and always gets to be the perfect one, either giving birth or being the support partner.
I wouldn't say they get a free pass but rather have more leeway.
Yeah, I suppose there are some things that would be unforgivable. But “Shut up, it’s your fault I’m here!” is definitely not one of those.
And had the gall to tell the person giving birth that she "ruined the moment". WTF?
Yeah it’s painful and bloody and traumatic for the person going through it and they shouldn’t feel obligated to make it a magical thing for their partners sake
NTA. My mom literally yelled at my dad to fuck off while she was giving birth to me. He did not take it personal and they even laughed about it after. Labor can be difficult with or without pain relief. She needs to check herself.
same lol even though he was joking around, my dad was getting on my moms nerves and even making fun of how she looked down there. she knows he was just trying to take her mind off the pain but at some point she told him to go to hell
I did that also but my defence is he asked me to not squeeze his hand so hard so I told him fk off and come back a man 🤦♀️ also they denied me drugs so I was angry
This gives me “Ross” vibes as hitting his head while Rachel was birthing and he said “you have no idea how this hurts”
Haha toxic masculinity
My mom punched my dad's lights out for telling her to relax one time too many. OP could have done a lot worse than telling her to shut up
My mom told my dad to f off and off himself on her 3rd labour, but he understood tho, each labour was progressively worse than the last and she really wasnt having it with him that day. She apologised a week later by buying him a new coffee machine and all was right between them XD
NTA - i mean I get getting told to shut up may not feel great. But she can’t blame you for saying that. Women say crazy things in childbirth normally always aimed at their partner. I think your wife needs to realise that in that moment it wasn’t about her.
I told my husband he was getting an anal probe after having someone rummage around breaking my waters.
OP’s wife already made this birth about her by insisting OP use her birth plan instead of one OP was actually comfortable with. Wife needs a serious reality check here.
I'm not sure OP was comfortable with the other birth plan, but doubting which thing to pick overall. She said she'd have a panic attack when they did the epidural. If she was debating pain relief + panic attack vs no pain relief and no panic attack and her wife legitimately had a great experience with no pain relief, I'd be surprised if wife didn't encourage the no panic attack option that went great for her.
NTA. Your wife’s being ridiculous and I’m amazed she doesn’t have more empathy. Was her labor like easy or something? What a stupid thing to gripe about…and she gave you the silent treatment the first day you brought home a newborn? Is she petty to the point of psychotic? She’s not coming from a reasonable place at all, that is completely irrational and self absorbed behavior.
Edited wrote new mother initially but you already have a child, my b.
NTA she’s talking about you ruining her moment? Is she serious? How utterly selfish of her to make that moment all about her and her experience. Your the one going through a major medical moment. I’ve had three births and about to have my fourth. My husband is 110% aware how major this is and while I’ve always been excited for his experience in meeting our child, the birthing part is all mine and however I need to be supported is what’s going to happen. In immense pain you told her what you needed and instead of adjusting to be more helpful she took offense and made it about her.
Totally with you on that it is selfish for her to think it's her moment. I get it that afterwards the growth of the family and meeting the newborn is a special moment for all but at the height of labour?! It's definitely OP and what she needs. Feels like OPs partner had a vision of how this ideal moment should be played by her standards and didn't consider OPs wishes or feelings.
Yeah its super weird.
The focus on "embarassment" and thinking its HER moment so badly she gives OP the Silent Treatment, sounds hell of a narcissistic.
NTA Your wife "encouraged" you towards natural birth despite your terror. She sounds controlling and manipulative. When you struggled to cope she was patronising. And now she has the audacity to be sulking over being told to shut up over it , when you just gave birth.
I'd tell her to F Off with her selfish controlling attitude. A days silent treatment over this after chilbirth is borderline abusive imo
You "almost ruining the moment" is somthing a very stupid a Dad might say because he has never had to give birth himself, you wife has no such excuse. She sounds horrible.
Honestly, I feel like people are understating this point because a) fun birth stories and b) they're both women. Yeah, it's hella controlling to prioritize the birth experience over the person giving birth.
Whoever coined the term “natural” birth is an asshole.
I remember researching it because it sounds so fishy as a concept. Once again, it felt like women were being manipulated and pushed by rhetoric to do something unnecessarily painful, and I felt it wasn’t an accident. We don’t ask anyone else to undergo painful experiences anymore without pain management and/or medication. There is no “natural root canal” or “natural cancer.”
I remember finding evidence that it was coined by white supremacist doctors who believed white WASP women were not having as many children because they were naturally weaker and were afraid of the pain of child birth. Whereas, Catholic women and black women were popping out a million kids because they didn’t experience the pain the same way. “Natural” was supposed to comfort (trick) white women regarding the prospect of giving birth. It was full of misogynistic, racist, xenophobic motives.
If you want to feel pride because you gave birth without pain medication, cool. Do whatever floats your boat. Can we stop calling one kind of birth “natural.” It implies that any other kind of birth is “unnatural”— so a pejorative. (Unless, we want to call other births “supernatural” in contrast since birth feels otherworldly sometimes)
And now we have a new phrase: a "humanised" birth experience. It sounds like OP's wife has really bought into the narrative where birth is this romantic and beautiful experience, and any medical intervention is weak.
They have a second healthy baby, but this is apparently overshadowed by the actual labour. Ridiculous.
I wondered about this and googled the phrase - I didn't want to get too deep into the rabbit hole but what I found says it's about "considering women's values, beliefs, and feelings" during the birthing process, or "allowing them to express themselves, to scream" etc.
IF that's accurate and not code for some sketchy BS, sounds like OP's wife didn't respect the idea at all.
Both my kids were supernatural births. None of us would have survived otherwise. I've been going through old death records at work and the number of stillbirths or babies who died within days is horrifying.
I've told both my kids, "You (or a spouse) can give birth in a wooded glade if you want, as long as that glade is next to the hospital parking lot."
With our first I had a “natural” labour and he came so fast, so I didn’t experience much pain for too long.
For our second whom I just had 9 days ago, my labour was 18 hours long, and transition (between 6-10) was 12 hours. I had back labour, so it literally felt like someone was taking a knife to my kidney the entire time. No amount of counter pressure helped, and my contractions were 90 seconds long and 20 seconds apart. I laboured like that for 6 hours and I thought I was actually going to die.
I thought I was allergic to the epidural (I had a reaction from a surgery in childhood so I assumed I couldn’t have any drugs). My OB went to check on my file from the surgery and discovered I actually didn’t have an allergic reaction at all, and it was a reaction to coming off of anesthesia and being so young (I was 10 when I had the surgery). So I was like omg fuck yes give me the drugs give me all the drugs. As soon as they placed the epidural, I was able to relax. It was sweet relief.
Because of the back labour and our son’s position, I felt like my bladder was going to explode so they had to place a catheter. Where his head was sitting, they couldn’t get it in so they had to try multiple sizes and basically manhandle my urethra and dig and dig into it repeatedly before being able to get it passed his head. I couldn’t imagine going through that experience without pain management, it would have been excruciating.
I cannot understand how someone would willingly tolerate that amount of pain for any length of time when there is science magic out there to stop it. Like that’s completely fucked to me.
Right?? My contractions started on a Thursday and I went to the hospital the following Monday (covid and capacities...). The epidural was the most magical moment (apart from the actual birth of course). I could finally get some rest after a sleepless 36 hours. Suffering as part of the ultimate birthing experience is just misogynistic BS. There's enough pain to be endured during expulsion, when the epidural is basically useless.
Thank you for this.
I haaaaaate the term "natural" birth and hadn't even heard the word "humanized" applied to birth.
You're spot on re cancer. The overwhelming majority of precancerous cells/events in the average person's body (and there are shit tons throughout the lifetime) are cleared/neutralized by their body's cellular defense system. When that doesn't happen and cancerous cells slip by those defenses and require medical invention for survival, we don't add "unnatural" to that intervention process, do we? I mean, if people *are* doing that, they need to knock that shit off, because it's a dick move.
I'm all for people saying they had an unmedicated birth, or gave birth without medical interventions during labor, but if a word or term applied to labor can be reversed to a negative or judgemental term for people who have the opposite experience, then nah, knock it off. It doesn't come extra to choose non judgemental terms and be compassionate towards others.
I mean, I guess if we're using "natural/humanized", my friend who had a c-section after almost two days of labor had an unnatural and dehumanized birth? Afterwards, she felt like a failure because she had wanted an unmedicated birth and since that was associated with the word "natural," she felt like her birth was unnatural and therefore she was less than a natural woman, and shiiiiiiit, do we really need women to feel guilty from the jump? Birth, whether medicated or unmedicated, vaginal or sunroof, is challenging and can be physically hazardous to everyone involved. We don't need to add emotional distress or feelings of inadequacy on top of that.
Do we really need to draft women into the Mommy Wars as soon as they sign their names on a surgical consent form?
I loathe loaded/charged terms surroundings pregnancy, birth and parenting in general. Shit is hard enough already, yo, and if you live in the US, society seems to go out of its way to make it harder.
OP, you didn't make these terms up, so you're not responsible for any of this social crap.
You're also not responsible for outlandish or out of character things that you may have said while experiencing something incredibly physically and emotionally challenging.
NTA, OP. Your partner is exhibiting abusive behaviors, and if they aren't able to recognize this and do a hard 180, they need to seek professional help to correct it.
I can almost guarantee that at some point in the future, your kids will be angry or frustrated or overwhelmed with really big feelings (or hell, just not want to take out the trash) and yell "I hate you!" If your partner thinks it's okay to respond to that with hostility or the silent treatment, that's going to be psychologically harmful to your kids.
Yeah, anyone who pressures a person in labor not to seek pain relief if they want it is being a very bad partner. It’s an issue of bodily autonomy, empathy, and common sense.
NTA. I'm sure any obgyn could give you loads of stories of women who've snapped at their spouses while in labor. You're stressed, in pain, pumped full of hormones, and the life of your child depends on you doing everything you have to. Stuff you don't mean is going to get said to someone.
My cousin was in labor for 75 hours prior to a c section. By the second day, she was screaming that she didn't care if the baby died, she wanted it over. She loves her daughter more than anything, and clearly didn't mean a word of it.
75 hours!?!?!? Why didn't they go ahead sooner?
That happened to a friend of mine. She was in labour for my whole holiday weekend away. I left on the Friday, came back on the Monday still in labour. They eventually took her for a c-section in the early hours of Tuesday. It was maddening.
That happened to my mom back at the end of the 70s. Her labor started early on a holiday, and then her OB was having a big dinner party the next day, so the OB didn’t want to be bothered and just left my mom to keep laboring without intervention. It took 72 hours of labor until I finally arrived, and I hear about it every year on my birthday, lol.
If ever there was a reason to get a free pass it's labor. Especially without anesthesia. Your wife is being ridiculous and petty.
FYI my wife told me and her doctors/nurses to go f*ck ourselves while she was giving birth. Nobody got upset. We still have a good laugh about it.
My friend didn't expect the cervical check during labor to hurt, and she told the nurse who did it to "[email protected] off, you [email protected] c$nt"
The nurse said she'd heard far worse
It’s a good rule of thumb that you get a free pass for everything that you yell as you are pushing out a child. Your wife needs to accept your apology and just let it go.
NTA. Your wife needs to realize this is not about her feelings. It's about the fact that you were in a *lot* of pain, and she wasn't helping. And frankly, if she insists on pushing the issue, it's *also* about the fact she pressured you into overriding your own instincts about how you wanted to manage that pain. Make sure that doesn't happen with any postpartum issues you might experience. And if she keeps acting sulky instead of apologizing for caring more about "the moment" than how you're doing, or at least dropping the whole thing and moving on, consider making time for counseling.
INFO: NTA but what do you mean by humanized?
Additional INFO: What does "decorated and flowered" mean? Like made it misleadingly positive? EDIT: Looked in the comments, OP "Said nice things about something that's not so"
As far as this comment, I'd like to point out to OP that everyone's experience with labor is different. Some woman labor for days, while others give birth within the hour that their labor began. Some woman feel excruciating pain that makes them never want another kid, while others might say it wasn't as bad as they though it would be.
Your wife might not be lying, she might have just had a more positive experience than you.
Exactly that. I had two water home birth without any medication, and they were fine. Both a week early. The first one was quite painful but all went well and baby was out after 5 hours, the second one was so quick that the midwife, who only came by to check because she was in the neighborhood anyway, walked in, found I was at 10 cm already ( pain was there but not very bad), and she just managed to put her instruments out and then essentially catch the baby. That daughter is still very restless and needs sport daily to stay happy.
I am happy to tell other mothers of my good experience if they ask, but I would never judge or push them into anything.
NTA you were giving birth and if I was trying to push out a watermelon out of something the size of an apple I would be saying a lot worse than shut up. I think your wife was being a baby under the circumstances.
Sounds like the baby was more mature.
Info what is a “humanized” birth?
In my country, there is a lot of obstetric violence. So we call it humanized when all the wishes of the pregnant woman are respected, respecting the time of birth of the baby, creating a less traumatic experience etc. I don't know the term in English, so I put the term here and translated it to humanized
I don't think you were at all respected by your wife, so it was not a humanized birth.
There’s no term in English for this exact meaning.
This matches the positive birth movement in the UK.
I had an all natural birth where i was having 4 minute contractions and my baby almost got smothered and i almost died because she was in position to tear my uterus apart and destroy my spleen. I literally threw up on nurses, yelled in my sister’s face and the nurses…. Always get the drugs lmao NTA but your wife should chill on the petty. People die from birth all the time. She should remember that she could have lost you. Plus you’re postpartum and that’s considered a dick move.
NTA. I, thankfully, cannot imagine what you were experiencing because I was 1000% sure I wanted pain medication before I got to the hospital, but people have said far worse to partners in the pain of labor and your wife is completely unreasonable to expect that any two births would be identical or any two people giving birth would have identical responses to the experience.
NTA. what women say during labour doesn’t count.
Oh Lord. NTA. If that's the worst you said to her during labor then you did good!. I don't get why she's hurt. I had my kid, no anesthesia, and yeah it was no joke. You apologized. She can either grow up and get over it or not. Don't keep begging for her forgiveness.
NTA. You didn’t break her hand… or her nose. 😅
No, but my mother's hand was sore postpartum, LUL
I feel like I’m out of my depth here but I’m going with NTA. BTW I’m also super confused about wtf “flowered and decorated” means.
sorry, slang from my country that didn't translate well, LUL. Said nice things about something that's not so
I wasn't quite sure but think it translates perfectly, it sounds like you have a good sense of humor even when you are in incredible pain.
I think the closest English expression is "sugar coated" in reference to putting a sugar coating on bitter tasting medication to make them easier to swallow.
Flowered and decorated is glorifying something and basically saying only good things about something while completely ignoring harsh realities of what it can actually be.
Like pregnancy and birth. People say that pregnancy is “such a magical thing” and that birth is a “beautiful thing”, while in reality, pregnancy can be very painful and is so much more than your stomach getting bigger and giving birth is a lot more complicated and gross than just “one, two, three, push”.
I had a mini heart attack when I read the title. God,OP! You are obviously NTA. I get that your wife is upset, but birth is different for everyone and so is pain. You just can’t expect someone in a huge amount of pain to be acting totally rationally. Congratulations on your baby, I hope you and your wife can talk it out!
Same! I thought it was a guy telling his wife to shut up and stop screaming during birth!
For real, the 180 from 'Oh this jerkoff' to 'Ah, wait, OP was the one giving birth, totally understandable' was so fast.
You said things in the heat of the moment when you were going through so much and she decided to be petty with you. You sure you didn’t came home with 2 newborns lol
NTA when my wife gave birth she was also in the moment. She is the strongest person I know but dang she did some things that we amazing but she does not remember them. The best was screaming the doc face when he told her to not scream and just push. That is a lot a pain stress and chemicals running and me you can’t be held accountable for what was said in my opinion.
Yeah sorry but, NTA. I don't get your wife here.
You were obviously in a lot of pain and that sort of thing, of course, you would say something mean. She needs to calm down and realize that just because she had it easy (or at least easier then you), it won't be the same experience for everyone else.
NTA. Childbirth is brutal. Of course she was trying to help but you were being irritated in a moment where you needed to focus and just get through. It works for some women to have a cheerleader, and it works for some to just focus and get that shit over with. You aren’t the AH, especially after apologizing and explaining. Congrats on your baby and i’m sure that it will blow over. People say worse things in heated moments, what you did was not bad and honestly if you needed her to shut up then she needed to shut up! You guys will probably laugh about it later. Wish you the best.
NTA you were giving birth. There's many stories of mothers yelling or getting irritated with their SO. I just broke my toe and told my friend to shut up because he was being irritating. When you're in pain ita hard to keep things inside. You've apologized to her, she should understand
She owes *you* an apology.
In what universe does someone give their partner silent treatment right after they give birth? And for "shut up" during active labor/birth??? Daaaaamn, does she usually get upset with you so easily?
I'm sure she had a ton of her own complicated, strong feelings going on but wow she needs to choose her battles better.
What's this - "humanized birth"?
NTA You are pushing out a whole new person. You do what you need to get it done! Your wife might be feeling a bit left out of the birthing process since she did the hard work last time? Silent treatment is so juvenile and unnecessary here. How long is she gonna hold on to that?
It sounds like she's making this birth about her and her feelings, which is a bit unfair to you. I'm sure you doted on her after her delivery.
My husband kept coaching me to breathe. I smacked him in the face and said “YOU BREATHE “. That wasn’t me. That was pain and fear and exhaustion. And he knew it. And was never bothered by it. It was a funny moment.
Your partner is being very unfair to you.
NTA and congratulations!!!
NTA. People have had waaaaaay worse things said to them while their partner is in the middle of giving birth.
Nta, you were in pain and under extreme stress do do sometbing the way she wanted even though it literally was harming you. Many people in labor have said far worse things.
Tbh, a partner giving the silent treatment really isn't a great sign. I'd recommend considering counseling to work on healthy communication during this high stress time, because just shutting down like that and punishing you is not okay.
NTA. It's called [the transition phase](https://www.pregnancyparenting.org.au/birth/transition).
Not every birthing person will noticeably experience it, and others will have a severe experience.
Your partner, regardless of whether they experienced it, should have understanding about this.
At the point you snapped you were under stress that cannot be alleviated by anything except the actual birth of the child. At that point, for all you or your partner knew something could have gone badly wrong. Would your partner have been understanding if things had gone to medical hell? You were **in** that hell because at that time of uncertainty you had no idea if things were going to go well, and responded accordingly.
Your partner needs to stop making this about her. I would understand her response if you were going on about it, but you weren't. She created a problem where there was none. I'm wondering if there was a bit of jealousy or resentment behind her punishing you at what should have been allowed to be a time of happiness and relief when baby is new and healthy.
NTA Jesus women say all kinds of stuff during that moment she needs to let it go.
NTA and definitely not worth giving the silent treatment at a time like this
I can’t believe she’s making your labour about her. It was a tiny moment in a stressful situation and you even apologised! She needs to let it go, appreciate that you made it through an agonising experience and just enjoy your beautiful new daughter!
NTA. Before I had my child I swore that women signed NDAs at the hospital about how “easy” childbirth is. Now that I’ve had a c-section, I’m as honest and open about the process, pain and slow recovery as I can be. I love my child but it was a traumatic experience and people deserve to know the whole picture. Honestly, people that want kids will still want them, but they’ll be more prepared for it when we’re honest with them.
NTA- We should all be allowed a pass for any and all rude or even mean comments during labor and the birthing process. Some of us don't even remember the things we say/scream. That amount of pain can take anyone to that point.
Also, for those who don't know here's the definition of a "humanized birth" .....
Humanizing birth means considering women's values, beliefs, and feelings and respecting their dignity and autonomy during the birthing process. Reducing over-medicalized childbirths, empowering women and the use of evidence-based maternity practice are strategies that promote humanized birth.
NTA she is. You were pushing a human being out of your vag you cannot be held responsible for anything you said.. she needs to GTF over it. It's absurd and childish that she is pouting and holding that against you instead of showering you with love and enjoying the life you brought into the world!
As one of my nurses told me during one of my labors, "you 100% get a full free pass for anything you say while you are expelling a burning watermelon through your peanut hole".
As someone who gave birth, your wife should understand that too.
NTA, focus on your new baby and protect your postpartum time.
NTA she should understand that in the moment you were allowed to say whatever you wanted
NTA. You were in the worst pain of your life, it’s not like you speak that way on a regular basis.
NTA. Every mother during labour says less savory and unloving things to their partner during the moment. Why? You are freaking pushing out a watermelon sized baby out of a very small area.
She went through this she should know that whatever you say should be taken with a grain of salt. She shouldn't make you feel guilty about it either. I've said much worse things my first go around and I can imagine this time I'll be pulling out all the stops again LOL. Labour can be all calm and zen which kinda sounds like her experience but most times it's just a den of sailor slurs and not wanting to be touched and being super irritable. Don't feel guilty it was a moment you could say whatever you wanted not a moment for her embarrassment. In fact she should be caring for you more so now than just giving you attitude, if it were me I would be pissed that after having a baby I was being ignored and punished for things I had no verbal control. It's her attitude that's the problem.
When I was born my father approached my mother saying "look, we have a beautiful baby girl."
Mom replied "Don't you fucking touch me!"
Both told me the story at separate occasions while laughing about it.