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majesticjewnicorn

NTA. Tell your dad that the holy month of Ramadan means exemplary behaviour and being respectful. He might as well not bother fasting and praying if he is being unnecessarily disrespectful to his own wife, who is making everyone a meal whilst she herself is also fasting. A good Muslim, and person, is measured by how they treat other people and not by fasting and prayer alone. Ramadan mubarak, by the way, to you and your family. Minus dad. He only gets a Ramadan mubarak when he decides to be respectful.


reganz

This is awesome. Well said.


KeepLkngForIntllgnce

And remind him that the whole point of fasting is to give up eating food ONLY for pleasure and learning to appreciate the sustenance it gives us as humans. NTA Btw


sharri70

Best. Answer. Ever.


SimplySam4210

NTA and I'd swear we have the same father except for the religion. My father got this way when he had a lot of alcohol.


Kris82868

NTA. I wouldn't even know how to phrase an apology if you made one. I can't see where you said anything wrong.


Capital-Philosopher6

"I'm sorry you can't appreciate and enjoy a meal that has been made for you."


Arithered

Ramadan Mubarak. You are NTA. Fasting *can* turn people into assholes, though, so hopefully that's the explanation for your dad being pissy after sundown. If it's more than that--if he regularly puts your mom down in public and demeans her--then that might be the kind of problem the two of them need to take a deeper dive into. If you're all generally open with each other, I would suggest talking to your dad privately about why you said what you said. If your dad is more of a "king of the castle" type, it might be best to just avoid him until he calms down. I definitely don't think you owe him an apology. How would *he* react if a guest said the same things to your mom?


SmallTownMortician

NTA but next time try leading by example. Praise your mother and point out her efforts so everyone can hear. Something like "thank you for spending HOURS in the kitchen to feed us mom. I really appreciate the effort you put forth to make Ramadan special for us!" If you wanna be extra cheeky shoot your dad a look afterwards lol.


Nyankh

NTA As a Muslim daughter who used to do the same thing you just did (my dad: “why does it taste different than last time? If you’d just measure it would come out right every time. Why are the limes cut so small? And so on) - you are not an asshole but way better off not saying anything. It’s your mom’s marriage and her choice to speak up or not (and she may well be doing it privately). It’s not that you are wrong to want to stick up for her. It’s that it won’t do any good and can actually do harm. Now it’s not about his behavior, but about your “disrespect”. They take it as an excuse to sweep his words under the table and depending on how your parents’ marriage works, may even be ammo for him to criticize her for not raising you better. Believe it or not, eventually my parents found a much better balance over the years. My dad actually started cooking too and enjoys eating out (major shocker there) and I haven’t heard him complain in sooo long. I think it helped that my sister and I weren’t there anymore so my mom wasn’t trying to mediate between my inability to bite my tongue and my dad’s need to enforce traditional family structure. She would never undermine him in front of the kids so the second I said anything, she would insist he’d done nothing wrong and I was out of line - basically I took away any possibility that she’d push back on him because she also felt my behavior was a bigger thing to shut down. Anyways, I get the struggle. It’s sucks. But if she doesn’t want you to, better to not make her life harder by doing it.


Teacher-Investor

NTA, but you're fighting a losing battle. Your parents have lived in a patriarchal system their whole lives, and your mom will probably never stand up for herself. I'm glad that you see it so that you won't tolerate that kind of treatment in the future.


_ewan_

> Your parents have lived in a patriarchal system their whole lives We don't know where they live or what the culture they live in is like. Simony being Muslim is neither an excuse nor a reason to behave the way he did.


Teacher-Investor

While there's a lot of variety in Muslim culture, it tends to be fairly patriarchal. I'm not excusing her father's behavior at all. I think it's horrible. But I also think OP is unlikely to change the dynamic between her parents. The only thing she can probably do is make sure she doesn't end up in the same circumstances in the future.


xXRainbowCleoXx

NTA! Good comeback OP! Your father and brothers should learn how to cook as well. Maybe your dad should learn how hard it is to cook amazing food for so many people. Stay strong and keep your head up!


No_Result8381

NTA. I get your family dynamic. You’re supposed to respect the parents and ‘Not get involved’ I think it’s insane and don’t agree with it and think everyone should be treated well and equally. If you don’t disagree with what you did then don’t apologize. If you feel ‘guilt’ even though you know you’re not wrong just apologize and move on.. you honestly don’t even have to mean it. I know that sounds shitty but culturally.. I’ve been there and it sucks and I hope your mom secretly appreciates you standing up for her


ilikelisticles51

NTA. Not Muslim but I watched my dad (cooked maybe 10 meals in my lifetime) do this to my mom. I laid into him when I was in college and grew the smallest of backbones. “Why don’t you cook if you think mom doesn’t put enough salt in?” “How many meals have you cooked in the marriage?” “I think it’s delicious” she makes multiple dishes per meal when she doesn’t have to. I’m so mad at your dad! Mine learned his lesson quickly, hope yours does too


corgihuntress

NTA someone had to get in his face with some truth. ETA: I would also be vocal in your compliments of her food all the time. Just start making it an every meal thing.


amek33

NTA - sounds like your dad should break fast earlier because he's becoming hangry and too hungry to appreciate the food prepared for him


tsscaramel

Your dad sounds like a real AH, if anything I’d consider looking into whether he’s gaslighting your mom because that relationship sounds toxic as hell, but you’re NAH he totally deserves to be put in his place


ChaiAndSandwich

NTA. You didn't call your dad any names or insult him, simply asked to try cooking instead. There's nothing to apologise. But please ask your brothers to help you in cooking. Cooking is a life skill, everyone should know. Slowly, maybe your dad would help too. ​ INFO - Does he usually behave like this, or sometimes praises too, or sometimes lets go if food is bad?


ollygollymolly

NTA. You didn’t say anything cruel or untrue.


CatahoulaBubble

NTA but next time say "you’re supposed to be genuinely trying to be a better person/get closer to God, your complaining doesn't reflect well on you"


Shawnieloves

NTA and don't apologize. You are 100%right


ElkOk914

NTA, but an apology might make your mom's life easier. Sometimes all you can do is your best to go along to get along.


Pineapple_Wagon

I don’t think YTA at all. I would have said the same thing “ if you have so many complaints then make the next meal”. I do feel the undertone of some sassitude. You shouldn’t have to apologize


Lonely_Oil_7398

You should put spaces between Y T A


PadawanJoone

NTA!!! Good for you for standing up for your mom. But has your dad always talked to her like this?


National-Zombie3303

NTA - You stand up for your mother , its kind but even so you should apologise


Simple-Ad-7621

NTA I had to tell my Dad on more than one occasion that he should appreciate that Mom cooked for him. He couldn’t boil water, let alone find his way around a kitchen. I wouldn’t apologize.


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PennyLane802

NTA. Yeah, you should not apologize to your dad. He needs to hear more people speaking their minds.


pixierambling

NTA. Anyone saying that fasting makes people become assholes is wrong. Yes you can get hangry etc but it doesnt justify the way your dad was behaving. One CAN control how one acts when one is irritable. I feel your dad may have AH tendencies apart from when he is fasting. Unfortunately I see this behaviour a lot and I commend you for calling him out on his BS. Maybe tomorrow he really can make iftar and dinner AND SUHOOR. See how he likes getting up in the middle of the night to cook for ingrates. Keep at it. There is no reason why he should be acting this way. Wanna turn it up a notch? Tell him that Prophet Muhammed used to do his chores himself and that it is only fair that dad follows that example. Oh and I believe the prophet also ate very simply, so let dad follow that example too. Use all the sunnah and hadith to shame him into acting better. After all, it's a religious month


Important-Ability662

You stood up for your mother with truth, and that's the right thing to do regardless of how mad he is. If I were you I would double down and accept the consequences. NTA


ravensfan1214

NTA. Your dad is. Maybe, he is just hangry and grumpy. Next time your mom should tell him to cook his own food the way he likes it or zip it.


LengthAccomplished01

NTA. Idk why your mum had no problem to defend your dad but not herself… and to ask you to apologise for defending her… ask her if her husband is the type of man she’s be fine with you marrying, and if she’s stay quiet if your husband were to treat you like such.


Strange_Difficulty41

NTA. Don’t apologize


RealisticWin3801

NTA


Deadly_Zinnia

NTA But I would advise you to avoid direct confrontation Instead be as flattering and loud as possible when it comes to your mother’s cooking Sing your praises and he will be too embarrassed to say anything Trust me I’ve been there


BornTheme3419

NTA My father is the same. What me and my sisters did is just praise the food so much that he can't even get a word out. After a while my dad got the hint and didn't say these things again. Try and get your brothers to join you if you can.


CelticTigress

Oh, no. NTA. You tell your father that when the Rasul didn’t like the food his wife made for him he remained silent. And you tell your mother that her preparations in the kitchen are worship and that’s why heaven is at her feet. Ramadan Kareem! ❤️


paul_rudds_drag_race

NTA and I laughed at the thought of this lazy guy throwing a tantrum


creative_cookies

NTA, good on you for standing up for your mom! And have a blessed Ramadan!


Puzzleheaded_Essay22

Gurl..why is your mom upset that you defended her .. Make her understand that it's not right she cooks food with love and she deserves appreciation You did good


Hot_Solid7867

Aren't people supposed to be respectful during Ramadan? Why did he bother fasting and praying if he was going to disrespect your mother like that? Definitely NTA.


CherrieChocolatePie

NTA and please do NOT apologise to him. He is the one who should be apologising!


Comfortable-Kale-468

NTA good for you for standing up for your mom. Maybe your dad didn't even realize how much he was whinging and needed a snap back to reality. Holiday meals are hard and it hurts when they get à bad review. You did good.


Official_Nie_Ehuang

Your mom is probably trying to make sure her relationship with him doesn't turn violent, or your relationship with him doesn't turn violent. NTA, you're completely right, and that's why it sucks when people take things for granted, like your dad taking a good, homecooked meal for granted. NTA OP


MCardwell22

Ramadan Mubarak to everyone but your dad. He doesn’t deserve to fast and pray this month if he’s going to treat his wife that way.


Imaginary_Solid_5007

NTA. My dad was the same way growing up, not just during the holidays but on an every day basis. My mom was a SAHM and he would come home, demand dinner, and then ignore her for the rest of the evening or criticize the food and yell at her. As I got older, I would yell back at him (I am the daughter). At first, he was so angry. He would say, "I'm talking to her, not you." But as soon as he would get aggro I would too. After years, he has finally learned he cannot yell or criticize my mom in front of me. IDC if these men are older and 'that's how they were raised,' they can't treat women like this, and especially the women in their families. So fuck them. Good for you for standing up for your mom. Just think, when was the last time anyone even stood up for her?


WinterTechnical9590

The food complaints sounds like my sister to my mom's cooking lol.


Capital_Stretch7547

I'm sure the food is awesome and you're NOT the AH but you should probably apologize as if you're a traditional person and your mother asks you to apologize - you do it - even if you don't want to (and it might make your dad realize he was wrong)


Ayaruq

It will not make her dad realize anything except he can get away with being abusive.


Maddie215

YTA. You were disrespectful to your dad. This is not your battle. If your mom won't speak up then let it go. You made the whole meal awkward for everyone and angered your dad so learn from the experience and don't do it again.


Nikalix

Not a word about the lack of respect that husband has for his wife. I'm not surprised.


SnooGadgets6051

So if tommorow a neighbour attacks her father, then should op refrain from saving him as it would not be their battle?