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No-Policy-4095

NTA - OP she's a stranger and just because she gave birth to you does not entitle you to YOUR ORGANS. There's a lot of risks associated with what she's asking for, there's benefits too, but you should consider your own risks firsts. Also, if she is making all these calls please contact the authorities about protection - restraining orders, etc. Notify the school that she's not to be allowed near you, etc. That went from 0-100 in zero time, I get it she's desperate but holy hell that's not ok.


runningoutoftime1721

This but… Also I’m pretty sure if you do go for test to confirm if you’re a match you can tell the doctors you’re being forced and they will tell her you’re not a match even if you are. I know it’s the principle as well but sometimes you have to play the game to get them to back off! Stay strong


treesdrink

Exactly! Living organ donors go through a psych evaluation. You don’t have to give a reason as to why. Even if you’re waffling, if there is a hint of ambivalence, the evaluating physician will say you’re not compatible. End of story. The potential recipient will get nothing more than that. Edit: Also OP, you’re NTA.


JuryNo7670

Plus OP is a minor so the parents would have to give permission anyway. I can’t imagine and clearly she’s not working any kind of recovery program because her attitude would not fly at all and is certainly is not in keeping with any program out there


ReginaldDwight

Also, don't you only make amends if it won't harm the other person? All of this AND the potential of a multi organ donation from a 16 year old is fucking harmful as hell.


JuryNo7670

Yes step 9 is "Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."


juliaaguliaaa

Also you’re supposed to time your amends appropriately. Not ambush someone on the street. Send a letter / DM/ text first and meet with the person ONLY if they want to.


JuryNo7670

And only after you’ve done steps 1-8. It doesn’t sound like she’s done any of those and certainly not 4-7


juliaaguliaaa

💯


DishGroundbreaking87

I see no amends being made, I see someone trying to get an organ donation. Doubt she would have contacted her if she didn’t need a kidney


goshyarnit

My friends dad dipped when he was 4 months old because friends mum wouldn't let him drink all day every day. He showed up when we were seventeen, didn't demand contact, just asked for a chance to apologise. Friend let him. Dad handed him a cheque for $10k, said he had been putting away the money he used to waste on alcohol and giving it to people he hurt. THAT I would consider to be "amends". Asking if they can apologise, apologizing, trying to reverse some damage they caused. Not "lol yeah i guess i did run off haha gimme your kidney"


JuryNo7670

Completely agree. She’s selfish and manipulative (both common with addicts)


Admirable-Course9775

Definitely! Who knows what the future holds for the daughter? 16 is too young to make a life decision this significant. Poor girl. As if this woman hasn’t already put her through hell! And to start screaming!


No_Paleontologist820

right she’s mf 16 who asks their CHILD for their organs, or any child at that.


hipsterlatino

Asking your child for organs is probably ok if we're honest, 16 might be a little.young but if you're in a life or death situation, I think a pass might be ok. However asking a stranger you gave birth to 16 years ago and haven't seen in 15 and the harrassing them and their family ..... Yeah that's not ok,


CumaeanSibyl

With the lie she told about making amends, I sense someone who's been court-ordered to attend 12-step meetings more than once but never actually stuck with it.


JuryNo7670

Very likely or heard it in rehab


Jintess

If mom is clean I'm willing to bet it is purely health related. No Dr is going to do a liver transplant on someone still actively drinking.


JuryNo7670

That’s true. Usually you have to be clean and sober fir a period of time and jump through a bunch of hoops before you are even out on the list.


LadyGreyIcedTea

It's pretty non-standard for minors to be considered as living organ donors anyway. Bone marrow donors for siblings sure but not organs. The [National Kidney Foundation](https://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/general-information-living-donation) says living donors should be 18 or older.


JuryNo7670

Makes total sense to me. If they don’t have the ability to give consent to join the military, or sometimes even have sex (depending on locale) how can they even possibly have the capacity to know whether it’s appropriate to give up vital organs or portions of vital organs especially at 16. What happens if they have an injury or an illness and then are without a kidney? Even if they were close it would be a selfish request but she did it to herself and she has no right to even ask a kid she has no relationship with and to insist takes a huge amount of hutzpah.


AndyTheSane

TBH I couldn't imagine taking a kidney from one of my kids anyway, and this is something that could realistically come up for me.


rhymes_with_mayo

Honestly your comment made me realize I think OP's parents are being a bit too hands-off by saying it's their 16-year-old daughter's choice to donate or not. It would be one thing if they knew it was someone she cared deeply about, like a friend with kidney disease. But since they know bio mom is acting fishy, they should just go ahead and say no outright. She can't legally make her own medical decisions till 18 anyway, they need to protect her from this manipulation.


JuryNo7670

I think they are trying to be kind but who knows for sure since we don’t have their perspective here but they probably would step in if necessary. Honestly if OP were my kid I’d suggest some sessions with a therapist just to figure out how to deal with all the big feelings that come with something this significant. That being said OP seems to have a good head on her shoulders and pretty mature for 16.


PaddyCow

She's also lying. There's no way she could say with 100% certainty that op is a match. At best she could ask op to get tested as op is a close relative and more likely to be a match than a stranger, but that's still no guarantee that op is a match.


LoonyNargle

I don’t think any doctor would consider a child an apt living donor. They have to take into account the risks for the donor, such as reduced quality of life and even lifespan. I can’t imagine any doctor saying it’s fine for a child to donate two organs.


SomePaddy

Agreed. It seems pretty unlikely that somebody as unstable as she sounds would make it to the top of the recipient list. And living donor from a reluctant minor? Nope. NTA, OP.


portrait-ninja

I’m a living donor and went through psych evals so yes OP just telling them she’s harassing you would disqualify you immediately. Your liver will grow back but your kidney won’t. She made her choices and you can make yours. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. She’s not your responsibility.


ReginaldDwight

I'm also extremely curious as to how long this woman has actually been sober. If you're a recovering alcoholic, you can't qualify for a UNOS organ donation for like 12 months of sobriety. She may be trying to get OP's *fucking organs* when she isn't in a place health wise to even undergo a transplant herself. If she's just assuming her bio kid is a match, she might be assuming a doctor would just agree to a coerced/guilted organ donation from a minor for a transplant to a barely sober (or not even sober) patient who is unfortunately suffering repercussions from years of drug and alcohol abuse. No one deserves to die of organ failure, but no one is entitled to anyone else's organs, either.


portrait-ninja

They perform extensive tests on both donor and recipient. They’d tell her no if she wasn’t sober immediately. I remember the day of my donation they took 31 vials for blood (not joking) and I couldn’t go into the OR until they got all the results back. Same with the recipient.


ReginaldDwight

I'm just wondering if she's even been placed on a donor list or is just using a 16 year old to guilt her way into getting one when she's not actually sober. Even if sober, she's still acting like a selfish ass. That's incredible of you to donate!! My MIL had some sort of genetic non alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver and we begged her to let us get tested to see if we could donate because the list for regular donations *is* long but she wouldn't let us. She passed away in 2020 and we miss her terribly. I still wonder often if I or either of her kids might have been a match and been able to at least give her a chance to survive that awful shit.


Crazyhellga

My friend's Mom who developed kidney failure as a result of many years of untreated diabetes (because back in the day they didn't think adults could develop insulin-dependent diabetes) absolutely refused to let my friend and her sister to get tested. She said she will not accept a kidney from them because they are young and what if the same thing happens to them, she just cannot risk it. Thankfully, some distant cousin of hers saw the post about it on Facebook, reached out and turned out to be a match. As this was a man in his early 50s, she was comfortable accepting a kidney from him.


slaterbabe10

I, too, wanted to see if I could donate to my alcoholic (I know his fault) father who was in liver failure- he died before we could begin testing to even see if it was a possibility. I was 42 and not being guilted into it & I seriously think he delayed b/c he didn’t want me to feel pressured- it’s been 5 years and I still wonder ‘what if…?’. Oh, NTA!


Admirable-Course9775

That’s lovely of you all to offer to be a donor for her. I’m sure she felt the love. Even being not yet 60 I wouldn’t take an organ from one of my kids. I couldn’t risk their futures. The angst and guilt of that alone would kill me. Your mother and your father Dwight may have felt the same way. They passed knowing how deeply they were loved.


johnnymoxon1

Oh wow, 31 vials? When I donated, they only took 4 from me. Granted, I only donated a kidney and not a liver so I'm sure it varies. But the tests, and psychological exam before any of that would result in them telling the bio mom that they aren't a match. I remember being asked by the kidney doctor, surgeon, social worker, and psychologist if I was being pressured or coerced, or paid. They're very thorough in making sure it's your decision to donate willingly.


New_Contribution5413

Does anyone know how much you have to use to go into organ failure? I recently found out I have two benign tumors on my liver. I like to drink a glass of wine or two about once a week. I asked my doctor if I did this to myself, if I drank too much- and they told me for a female of my size, you literally would have to drink 4-6 glasses of wine a day for at least ten years to get to cirrhosis. Crazy.


callmekohai

I’m sorry but *LIVERS GROW BACK????* TIL I guess


Aggravating_Net6733

You can donate up to 60% and it will regenerate over time. If you abuse your liver, then change your filthy ways, it will regenerate. Debbie must have done quite a number to lose her kidney and her liver function.


SubstantialDrawing7

Yep! Its one of the few vital organs that can regenerate. It's like the starfish of your torso!


BufferingJuffy

Starfish of Your Torso is such a fantastic band name!!


BUTTeredWhiteBread

That's why donating a piece of one works! It's such a cool little organ.


dce42

Apparently, you only need 30%, and it regrows to its original size in 6 months. Though that is likely not going to be a fun 6 months.


portrait-ninja

Grows back in 6-8 weeks actually.


nomadhoop

IKR‽ Reddit can be so … educational.


[deleted]

Yes, they grow back unless damaged too severely. But the surgery to have part of yours removed is extremely painful and dehabilitating. I know from experience.


ReginaldDwight

Would a minor even be allowed to undergo such a major, voluntary and unnecessary (for her own health) surgery? Not only all that, but recovering from a kidney donation *and* a liver donation all at once is a rough go on even the healthiest of people. It's not something to go into lightly and especially not because some asshole is guilting you. NTA at all.


HamsterAgreeable2748

Possibly in tare cases, but in this situation no medical team would perform this, there are far too many red flags that would rule out OP.


Admirable-Course9775

I’d be surprised if any doctor would perform an organ surgery on this mother to begin with. She appears unstable. I’d be surprised if her tox screens were clean


ParkingOutside6500

She would have to pass all the pschological tests, get her (adoptive) parents' permission, and probably have to be OK'ed by an ethics board at the hospital, so absolutely not.


legally_rouge

An ethics board will make sure there is no coercion and usually determines that having their relative not die benefits the minor and makes the risk worth it. (Like in a case with a young child where their sibling needs an organ to live.) But to a bio mom she has no relationship with who sought her out for organs? Unlikely.


LadyGreyIcedTea

It's highly unlikely. The National Kidney Foundation says donors should be 18. As do living liver donor eligibility guidelines at many transplant centers.


IgnorantKumquat

Yup, any organ donation Ive signed up to made it very clear that Im just allowing them to run me for a match & if I match with someone I can pull out at any point until I hit the operating table. Last time I was asked about it I wouldve donated to someone I knew, even xe knew through all the other shitty entitled behaviour that I was under no obligation to even get tested. I never did, they found a donor in a couple weeks. OP if ur mom is low on the donation list shes considered at a high risk of it not working or not lasting. Meaning she probably isnt sober, or the hospital decided to put her lower since she has a history of addiction. It sucks for her but if she was gonna go about it properly she shouldve called ur parents and told them whats up. NTA, and pretty fucking entitled of her to think just doing the work to carry & birth u is enough to argue she deserves ur organs. At least ur parents did the rest of the hard work.


snazzisarah

It doesn’t really matter if she is waffling or not, if the physician hears of ANY of what the bio mom just pulled (intimidation and coercion) that would automatically be a hard no.


WonderfulPromotion60

Exactly. There are specific tests that need ot be done before knowing who is a match and just because they have related DNA doesn't mean she will be a match. Either way this is a NTA


nepheleb

NTA She assumes because you're her bio kid, OP you'd be a match but you had another DNA source that isn't her. I don't even have the same blood type as my mother (got my father's)


Living_Life1962

My question is how in the world bio-mom “knows”OP is an exact match?


superdooperdutch

She probably thinks because she's her kid, it means an automatic match.


booksaretherapy12

It's also unlikely they'll allow someone that young to donate a liver, let alone a liver and a kidney. Liver donation can be risky. I would know, I got tested a few years ago when I was 21, and they didn't even want to let me donate because I was "so young" according to the doctors.


ribbonsofgreen

I've read this. The doc will ask you. And if yiu say your being forced they will say your not a match.


rainyhawk

And how does she even know that OP is a match? Not all kids will match with a parent is what I’ve heard. NTA. I wouldn’t do it.


ditchdiggergirl

In this case it’s not the principle. OP does not want an ongoing relationship with this person so there is no principle worth standing her ground on. Whatever it takes for a quick and complete end to the matter is best. I would recommend going for testing and saying she is unwilling and being coerced. This will result in an automatic “not suitable” finding, with an official report that OP (or better yet OP’s parents) can use to make the lady go away. She won’t listen to reason and won’t stop otherwise, so this is easiest.


RememberKoomValley

> OP she's a stranger and just because she gave birth to you does not entitle you to YOUR ORGANS. Yeah, this is just...jawdropping. Hard NTA, OP. Donating an organ changes the rest of your life; if you gave her a kidney, there are a lot of things you wouldn't be able to do (hard martial arts, for instance, or lots of sports) and you'd be in greater danger if you ever got a bad infection or trauma like you could get from a car accident. I haven't ever heard of a doctor taking two organs from the same donor--giving part of a liver OR a kidney comes with some hefty recovery time!--and there's simply no way that she could just know you're a match. It sounds like she might be going through some mental stuff in addition to everything else.


Careless-Image-885

Without testing, she cannot know. She's lying. She's probably been rejected for some reason. edit: looked up living donors. OP is not of age.


RememberKoomValley

I imagine she's just flat-out assuming "my daughter would obviously be a match, since I gave half those chromosomes." Which is ill-thought-out, but not exactly surprising, given the state of today's scientific education.


jrharr16

She's probably going on blood type, would be my assumption


brokenredfox

My dad needs a kidney so I was going to see if I was a match, unfortunately because of kidney stones I was told I was a no, but regardless, in my early 30’s they said I was a baby in the donor world and rarely do they accept donors so young. And you are 100% correct, unless you do specific antibody testing, you don’t know if there is a match so the bio mom is 100% lying, although the probability of a match is greater with children, but not always. Edit: Also bio mom may be low on the transplant list because she is/was and addict. Medical professionals don’t like to waste transplanted organs on people who will abuse themselves/not take care of themselves so this may play into a factor as well.


No_Hospital7649

Yeah, my sister signed up to be a living kidney donor in her early 30s. Non-directed, she just strongly felt it was something she wanted to do. After MONTHS of extensive testing, including advanced imaging, the medical team determined that she was at a slightly higher risk for kidney stones in her future, so she wasn’t eligible to donate. In 60 years, she’s going to be in her 90s and still harboring a grudge at the transplant program for not cutting an organ out. I think that on her deathbed she’ll be writing a letter to the hospital scolding them for not accepting her perfectly good kidney that never once got kidney stones. TL;DR - yeah, they’re VERY picky about donors.


GreasyWhovian

She was probably rejected because of her past addiction.


KahurangiNZ

Or even a current addiction...


endocrineminuet

I had an acquaintance who managed to get through everything and had a liver transplant. Then he had a DUI. The judge was \*\*\*not\*\*\* amused.


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RememberKoomValley

>I was told that if literally anything happens to the remaining kidney later in life I'd go straight to the top of the wait list. Mm, sure--but I mean that they'd be in greater physical danger during the event itself, and the immediate aftermath. That the body would be more likely to go wrong, with a kidney already missing.


HauntedPickleJar

Being a partial liver donor will also increase your chances of developing liver disease later in life as well.


glegleglo

Putting aside the ORGAN CLAIMING this woman is doing, what happens next? She's broke, can she have some money? She needs a place to crash, can I just stay in your dorm for one week, two weeks, oh sorry it's actually a month... This woman is toxic AF. OP you need to protect yourself in the long term. Please get a restraining order! I know two people who are waiting for organ transplants (through no cause of their own). What are they doing since no family/friends are matches? They're spending time with their loved ones, not stalking minors. Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that doctors would reject a transplant if she tested positive, it almost sounds like she's still behaving like a drug addict.


bluntsandbears

Yea if you could just go around claiming peoples organs I wouldn’t have any financial problems /s


[deleted]

She didn't care about OP a day in her life and wants organs.. Bit tough, sympathies for suffering and possibly dying, but she hasn't made any amends and it's too much to ask of a child with a whole life ahead of her. Live organ donations are not a simple matter and an alcoholic/drug-abuser (even a former one) would rightfully not be at the top of the list


MightyThorgasm

Jumping onto the top comment, OP if you don't want to give her your organs no legit doctor in the world will force you too. There isa fairly standard procedure when donating organs where a doctor will ask if you are doing it this out of your own volition or if you're being coerced into doing it. If you aren't 100% sure you want to get this done. They will just say that you are not a match and no one else has to know if you wanted to get it done or not. You have doctor patient confidentiality so no one can find out unless you tell them. Do not feel guilty, this is not your fight and it was not your choices that led your bio mom to this place. You are NTA here. She is


TrashPandaOfChaos

I'd give you an award if I had one


Playful-Mastodon-872

This. Also, just because she gave birth to OP, it was her adopted parents who gave OP life. This woman didn’t. OP definitely is NTA


qneonkitty

Well said! She owes this woman nothing


cbaggio81

Get a RO against her. She’s only in contact because you’re a match for your organs, not because she wants to get to know you. That’s wicked. You deserve a life without a leech.


Fantastic_Nebula_835

NTA. I've thought about this a lot over the years because I'm an insulin dependent diabetic. While my diabetes is well controlled now, realistically I may need a transplant at some point in my future. I believe: *No one should feel pressured or obligated to give you all or part of an organ, even if that person is a bio relative and your only match. While it would be acceptable for her to let your parents know that she is on the liver and kidney transplant list, it was unethical for her to tell you and ask you to donate organs. *Choosing not to donate doesn't make you a bad person *You aren't responsible for her health. She made repeated, poor choices for years. I have great respect for her getting clean and hope she remains clean so that she doesn't endanger her status on the transplant list * All surgery comes with both short-term risks (developing an infection post-op, having an anaphylactic reaction to anesthesia, etc.) and long-term risks (what would happen if you develop gestational diabetes, or experience severe trauma from a car accident?). Anyone who wants to donate should understand all of the risks before committing. *You live near the brink of adulthood. You have not lived long enough to have a career you love, become a parent (if that's what you want), or find a life partner (also, if that's what you want). Don't needlessly endanger your future


lovelynutz

How does she know her daughter is a match without testing? My bs meter has gone off hard on this one, or bio mom was drunk again.


charlotta98

Well said.


LadySilverdragon

This. Look, I have a child of my own. I’ve raised her (still doing it actually), cared for her, held her vomit in my hand when she got sick in the car, etc. All the parent things. Even when she is grown, I would never ask this of her. No parent is entitled to their kids organs, even though I would gladly give her mine in a heartbeat if needed. Organ donation is serious, and my child could need the extra kidney, liver, etc. I wouldn’t want her to go through invasive surgery, or limit her life choices, because of me. Your mom asking for you to do this is a major asshole move. NTA


billie-eye-lash

This woman is a stranger to you, OP, and this is literally stalking and harassment. As an adopted person myself, please contact the authorities!


Aggravating_Net6733

"Thanks, Debbie. I knew you didn't care about me, but I was surprised that you just had me for a supply of spare parts. You can take the kidney and part of the liver now and I'll just keep breathing so you can have my lungs and heart later." What a horrible woman. I'm sorry you had to be subjected to this, OP. Your adoptive parents must be feeling terrible that they couldn't protect you from this. NTA.


GullyGreyHeart

not to mention that yes you can donate a kidney but it will affect how you'll live the rest of your life and she's just 16!


Xgirly789

NTA Unless you have been tested there is no way to know if you are a match. There is a good chance but no guarantee. You don't have to give up any of your organs to anybody. It's not your obligation. This person is a stranger. My suggestion would be to ask your parents to file a restraining order against her


spinningcolours

Can also pretend to be tested and tell the testing doctor that you do not want to donate. The doctor will tell her that you are not a match.


TA122278

This is what I was going to say. They will not take organs from an unwilling donor and will just tell the potential recipient that they aren’t a match if the donor says they are being coerced.


20Pippa16

This is probably a better way to get her to leave you alone as she is so sure that you are a match.


hopalongsmiles

Quite frankly, I wouldn't even entertainment this woman by getting tested.


ReginaldDwight

OP doesn't have to actually get tested. Just explain to a doctor what's happening and the doctor won't divulge to the bio mom that testing never occurred. A doctor is not going to put someone through even simple bloodwork for a procedure they don't want and more importantly, *don't need.*


hopalongsmiles

Again, why even entertainment her with the possibility? The best course of action is to let her parents be her shield.


Conscious_Ad_9785

It may be the most expedient way to get rid of her. Woman is desperate and I would not put it past her to do something shady to OP.


mcmurrml

The best way is the police and the courts


Conscious_Ad_9785

The best way, yes. But people like her don't care about restraining orders or court decrees.


BMOEevee

This. A restraining order is just a piece of paper. It outlines what happens if they come too close or contacts or whatever, it however does not prevent it from happening and can result in things severely escalating real quickly. This woman right now is desperate and also not mentally healthy. Getting "tested" is a way that will make her just quickly leave (as also restraining orders take time, possibly more time than just seeing and doctor and telling them you dont want to donate and youre being forced)


supergeek921

To get rid of her. She’ll disappear the second she thinks the girl isn’t a match.


Xgirly789

Yep.


Jay-Dee-British

Or get a lawyer to send a cease and desist letter. ROs aren't 'easy' to get but many people will back off just from a lawyer's letter. It also starts a paper trail should you NEED to go for an RO at some point.


thebings_bing

>ts sitting at a table close by. she started some small talk with me but clearly looked like she had something she wanted to say. about 10 minutes in she told me her addiction had led to her kidneys and liver failing and that she was on a waitlist but it was very long. she then told me that I was a match for her and that I could give her a kidney and a piece of my liver. I was very upset and angry at her, she only tracked How does she know they are a match???? Like there's a chance but no guarantees. I had a friend who needed a transplant and only one of his parents was a match. Also donating does not guarantee the organ will take. There are so many risks and most importantly if you do not want to you do not have to. Organs have to be willingly given.


Normal-Height-8577

Yeah, 100% she's assuming this and using it as a weapon to emotionally blackmail OP. Because unless there's been shenanigans with nonconsensual blood tests or confidential medical information that's been leaked to the wrong person, she cannot know it for certain.


BadTanJob

Probably just an assumption that she’s hoping is true, or is hard core trying to guilt OP into it. No way she knows for sure.


PrscheWdow

Exactly, bio mom has no idea if OP would be a match.


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Ks26739

I'm not even a drug addled alcoholic and I don't know my own child's blood type. (Yikes, I guess, but I'm not even sure what my own is either. O something.) There is no way this woman remembers or knows this kids blood type.


CrateDane

> > > > > Unless you have been tested there is no way to know if you are a match. There is a good chance but no guarantee. Given how polymorphic the MHC locus is, it's actually quite unlikely to be a match even for a close relative.


mizfit0416

NTA - you owe this person *NOTHING*. Call the police the next time she tries to contact you and get a restraining order.


Big-Structure-2543

Matter of fact this person owes OP a whole lot. Gave her life? She probably just let someone nut in her for a case of beer. NTA


NoCapnCrunch

>She probably just let someone nut in her for a case of beer. You have something you want to tell us?


ToPiggyback

NTA. Get a restraining order.


Coincel_pro

This


madcre

exactly what i was going to say


Impossible_Gazelle27

How could she possibly know whether you are a match?


Borageandthyme

She couldn’t. Just like she couldn’t have known all those phone numbers. Edit: apparently numbers are easy to get. Thanks for the new info.


PotatoLover-3000

The phone number isn’t that bogus. I have had a private cell phone since I was 18. I’m almost 40 and have had zero contact with my alcoholic father since I was 14. He still manages every few years to get my number and call me out of the blue to make amends. He tried to murder me twice. We aren’t making amends. Sometimes my number gets listed online on sites like Radaris, white pages or true people search somehow (likely through companies selling it) so you can find it via Google. Or I suspect an extended family member gives it out when he manipulates them for it. I change my number and move on.


AliceInWeirdoland

That's not true. If you haven't gone through removing your information from Spokeo and other sites like that, it's super easy to find that information, especially since OP's parents were friends with her bio mom's family, so they know the address and names.


[deleted]

There’s websites where you can get the numbers, email addresses, past address etc. all if you know someone’s name or their current address


FuuHouhouji

She may know her blood type. It is the main requirement. It is not like blood marrow transplang that you need to do a lot of tests just to figure out if someone is compatible. Liver and Kidney are mainly match by blood type


throwinthebingame

Op isn’t willing so she isn’t a match. Also the mother is an addict I highly doubt she is a good candidate to receive an organ.


[deleted]

OP is also a minor. I just looked it up, it's highly unlikely any doctor would even consider doing this with a willing donor under the age of 18, as they're not a legal adult and therefore can't consent.


PurpleWeasel

From what I've heard, the only situation in which they might consider it (after like a million consultations and psych evals) is if they think stopping the donation will do greater harm to the minor than allowing it --- like, if the hospital ethics board decided that the trauma of watching your beloved little sister die of organ failure would be worse for you than willingly losing an organ. Clearly, though, that is not going to be the case here.


FuuHouhouji

Totally agree. Just explaining why OP bio mom may think she is. Also it is not like she is asking her for her braid to make wigs for kids with alopecia... she is asking for a lofe changing surgery. If this is not a troll OP bio mom may have some brain damage do to drugs because is completly unreasonable


Ok-Chance-619

Blood type isn’t the main requirement. It’s the first though. It’s the easiest to first step to continue the process: no match, no invasive testing. Once you are a blood match, they test for everything. I got CT scans, X-rays and an MRI. They took 30 vials of blood for all sorts of tests and I had to meet with a urologist in addition to the transplant surgeons. Once biomom goes through more of the process, she will understand how many factors lead to being denied as a donor. A friend was denied due to the blood vessels going into the organs not being suitable for surgery. Less than half of all potential donors are actually approved to do it.


PotatoLover-3000

Wishful thinking? She’s dying and desperate and assumes she’s a match because OP is her daughter.


Spank_Cakes

I'm glad someone else picked up on that detail, too. This seems bogus.


AliceInWeirdoland

I sort of assumed that if this is real, she is just making a guess, since statistically family members are better donors. Especially if she has OP's bloodtype from old paperwork or something.


EvilSockLady

She could know they’re the same blood type since OP was likely tested when she was born. That makes odds higher, but definitely not a sure thing.


Electrical-Sea-1381

NTA, you don't owe anyone any part of your body for any reason. Yeah she gave birth to you but her actions speak loudly about her character, sober or not.


dramatic-pancake

And please don’t feel guilty for saying no. Living with only one kidney comes with its own toll and is something you would need to medically monitor for the rest of your life. It’s absolutely not on you to enter into such an agreement so young.


bamf1701

NTA. You have complete choice over what to do over your own body. In addition, this woman approached you under false pretenses, claiming she wanted to “make things right” when she actually wanted something from you. I’m addition, the proper way to have approached you would have been through your parents or by a letter of phone call, not ambushing you on your way home from school when you are alone and vulnerable. In every way, she has been shady an manipulative (if not particularly competent). Her anger is a good sign that you are nothing but a donor for her. Any surgery is potentially dangerous. As such, you are not obligated to undergo it for someone you don’t know, whether you share genetics or not.


MotherOfCrotchFruit

NTA Time to ask your parents to get lawyers involved.


Few-Entrepreneur383

May I ask: why are you advising for the parents to involve a lawyer?


MotherOfCrotchFruit

Because police don’t do shit without lawyers also being involved as far as harassment, stalking, and need of a restraining order They can file reports with the police station but without those reports actually going in front of a judge, nothing changes or stops this crazy woman from bothering this poor child


Few-Entrepreneur383

Ok makes sense. Thanks, I was just curious.


Mopper300

Because it might be time to get a restraining order against her


Wombat_in_boots

Restraining order.


Insomniacgremlin

NTA For a lot of reasons others have already said. You're 16, why would you give up organs and undergo a serious surgery for a woman who will probably only show up to get something from you in the future like she's doing now. If she genuinely cared she would have reached out well before now. Your parents can file an order of protection on your behalf through the courts that requires her to not contact you or physically approach you and given the amount she is harassing you I recommend asking them about doing so. I am not sure if she's safe to be around. Her recovery journey is not an obligation or something you owe her. Her relapse will never be your fault, she is making unhealthy choices and manipulating a 16 year old to get what she wants because she is struggling with the consequences of her addiction and her choices. I understand addiction is a disease but she still has the ability to make better choices and to get the proper health to emotionally, mentally and physically be better in her recovery. I say that as someone with severely debilitating mental health issues in their own journey of recovery. I want to stress nothing that happens to her is your fault. You are just a kid, you don't have the power to make or break her life. That's her choice and hers alone. You need to take care of yourself and your wants and your needs. Your health and happiness is priority. I hope things turn out okay and that your family can get some peace soon.


Lindseyh911

YWNBTA. You don't owe her anything that you aren't comfortable giving her. As for you being a match the only way to know is if you go get tested. Parents and children aren't always a match. Siblings aren't always a match.


mcmurrml

Right. The woman lied to her.


kornberg

My parents have 4 children together and none of us could be a living donor for them. I'm not sure how the +/- works with organ donation, but the only other sibling I have who's also type A is A- (I'm A+) and I'm pretty sure the other two are B+ and B-. Genetics are wild.


mybadreputation1970

NTA, and if she keeps harassing you, get a restraining order. I don't know why she thinks you're a match, since I doubt you've been tested, but regardless, you don't owe her anything.


GrootNerTree

NTA! Let me repeat, NTA! This woman has no claim to you and I suggest a restraining order. Giving birth does not constitute ownership. I dont care if she is desperate, she has no right to scream at you. There are so many complications with these procedures, too. What if you develop a problem years later and then your liver/kidneys dont function? If you help her, then you might be screwed. Another thought. You are still young and surgery like this could affect your growth and maturity. Losing part of your liver can be dangerous, not to mention one of your kidneys.


mcmurrml

Exactly. OP is not finished growing. She could have problems anyways. Even so not her responsibility. No is a complete sentence.


DixOut-4-Harambe

NTA. You don't owe her anything and her tracking you down only now that she NEEDS something is a good sign that she doesn't actually care. You also have bodily autonomy. You don't need to get surgeries that you don't want or need, particularly not for anyone else's sake. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm". YOu could get a restraining order. And/or tell people that you have no idea who the crazy stalker woman is.


[deleted]

NTA and there is no way she would know you are a match. You would have to go through extensive testing.


Secure-Cicada-291

Was thinking the exact same thing


ri_ulchabhan

NTA, organ donation (by living donors) is a huge sacrifice that will impact the rest of their life. You do not owe this person your time and certainly not your organs. Please work with your parents to file an appropriate restraining order and ensure that your school understands she has no authority over you and should not be allowed into the school. Also, like other people have said, there is no way to tell if you are a match unless you are tested by doctors. She is lying to you.


jinxdrain

NTA. You owe her nothing. She isn't a transplant candidate through normal means due to her life choices. Her sobriety is also not on you. You are also too young to be a living donor.


sleeping_gem

Absolutely NTA. Block her number and tell your parents and see if they can talk to the police about this, because its harassment! I'm glad you've got such great parents


CuriousAbyss69

NTA. You don't owe her a damn thing op. This lady has some serious balls to think it's OK to ask this of someone she's never met. Just because she gave birth to you don't make her entitled to any part of you. If she keeps harrasing you I'd be going to the police and getting a restraining order on her. Her behaviour is beyond unacceptable. Good luck Op.


PleaseCoffeeMe

NTA. There is a high probability you are not. Doctors will not approve an unwilling donor. Talk to your parents about blocking her and potentially a restraining order.


Slugdirt

You can't be a organ donor match because you haven't been tested.


Jazzlike_Humor3340

NTA While you don't give your age, from the nature of your story, I am assuming you are a minor. She's essentially been stalking you. This is a problem. You need to discuss with your parents the fact that she's stalking and harassing you. (ETA: If she continues to harass and stalk you, then you and your parents may need to contact the authorities for a restraining order. End ETA.) Donating a kidney and liver segment is very, very major surgery. If you are a minor, this is not a decision you should be left to make on your own. It has serious consequences for the rest of your life, and you need to have frank discussions with your own physician, in private, about exactly how such a decision would impact your life both in the short term and for the next seventy years. In particular, if there is a hereditary aspect to your biological mother's kidney or liver problems, you could be at risk for the same disease(s), and giving up one kidney when you are at risk for kidney disease leaves you extra-vulnerable. If you and your parents aren't going to flat-out say "no" right now, you need to tell your biological mother you need her full medical history, so you can know if her condition is hereditary and if you are at risk.


mcmurrml

OP doesn't want to do it. This woman is trying to pressure her. They probably need to get a restraining order and cut off contact completely.


deadlyhausfrau

NTA. There is never any good reason to pressure someone to donate an organ. You are never wrong for not being comfortable donating an organ. Literally the only time that anyone would be even a little wrong for not donating an organ would be if they had arranged a donor match and someone else donated their loved one organ and then they backed out which they had been intending to do the whole time. Even then it's not wrong not to donate, it would just be wrong to have misled that other donor. It also sounds like you are a minor which means you're not eligible to donate anyway, and very few doctors would even accept a kidney from a healthy 18 year old.


deemossy

NTA. So sorry. Glad you have great parents to fall back on. You don’t owe her anything. She chose to have you…you didn’t choose her. She is still a selfish addict. Avoid her at all costs.


mcmurrml

NTA. First of all she had no business approaching you on the street without permission from your parents! You are a minor. Second you don't owe her anything! I don't mean to sound cruel but she did this! She made the choice to abuse her body and it has caught up with her. This is not to punish or be in judgement and again not to sound cruel. This is not your problem or responsibility. You are very young and not finished growing and even so you don't want to and that's ok! You don't have to have a reason! No is a good enough reason and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. As far as her harassment and writing letters tell your parents to have an attorney send her a cease and disest. If she keeps on file a restraining order.(if in the US). You don't owe her squat. This is her responsibility. She can get on the transplant list.


Ok-Chance-619

Liver donor here. It’s a hard surgery. You need to be 110% on board for it and recovery is a bitch! I did it for a young woman who has been so sick since childhood due to her immune system. She deserves a healthy adulthood. So I was totally for the surgery and never had a doubt in my mind. You are totally in the right to tell your biomom to get lost. You can also tell the donor program you don’t want to and are being coerced. They will tell your biomom you aren’t a match and therefore ineligible. The surgery is 12 hours long and there is a 1/200 chance you will die. You may need further procedures if there are bile leaks and you lose your gall bladder. That means your dietary intake could drastically change for the rest of your life. For me, I have to reduce fat intake or a get a bad stomachache. Refuse all the way. Only do it if you want to with your whole heart. You are a good person, and donating organs to a shit parent won’t make you better than you already are. 💜


FuuHouhouji

I wanna add that kidney donation can cause problems down the line for a woman that hasnt have children yet (my aunt was rejected because of that when her brother needed a kidney). And OP just update to said she is 16. Not a candidate at all just by virtue of not been an adult. That been said: god blees your heart. Been a live organ donor is not small thing.


KayakerMel

Yikes, I remember as a teen my father saying that due to his health problems he might need a liver transplant and asked my younger sister and I if we would be willing to be donors, if it came to that. I immediately said of course, because I was 14 or 15 and loved my dad. One very messy year later, I was permanently estranged from him and would never give him part of my liver. Now learning more about what a liver donation actually means, I am extremely glad that, in that time period, I wasn't asked to actually donate. Given my own fun health issues over the last 2 decades, I would have been absolutely screwed if I had donated a lobe of my liver as a teen.


dinglydick

Absolutely NTA, you don't owe her anything


Few-Entrepreneur383

How does she know you're a match without you going through the proper medical testing? NTA the tests can be draining, not to mention both surgeries will require a long recovery time,& you're still a minor. She can go on dialysis for her kidneys & there are probably drugs she can take to help her LFTs until she is eligible for a transplant. She's low on the list because she's high risk & her doctor probably told her that her chances are low unless she finds a voluntary donor. I wouldn't donate to her if she's still progressing with her sobriety; there's always a chance she can relapse then this will all be for nothing. Edit to say, even with the perfect match there's no guarantee her body won't reject the donor organs. So even more, high risk low benefit.


Mimila1111

NTA. I feel like this woman is super manipulative and abusive. She's not "making amends." It sounds like she is stalking you. She's scaring and intimidating you. You need to get a restraining order and a lawyer.


ABunchOfSmallAliens

Not the asshole, she was very rude and disrespectful on how she contacted you. Are you still a minor? If so I would report to the school that she would be considered a stalker and get a restraining order.


mcmurrml

OP is 16. Yes


thundaga0

NTA and probably should tell your school about her so they don't give out any more information. She did this to herself and only came to you when she needed something.


erinhennley

Sweetie, you made the right decision! Even if the situation was not so emotionally crippling, organ donation is a serious business. If you have only one kidney and something happens to it, you end up where she is. It is also gruelling recovery and her body might reject them. These are serious issues and she has no right to treat you as a spare parts container. You consider these things for someone you love. You consider these things for a stranger who is truly deserving of another shot at life. For her? Not worth your emotional distress. Get a protection order. You have a strong case for it. It will protect you and your real family.


SuperLoris

Oh my god. That is awful. And you are a child, and you never know if you are going to have health challenges yourself. You have two kidneys in case you need a spare for yourself! It would be one thing if this was a person you dearly loved so the risk was worth it - I would give a kidney to my spouse or child without blinking - but you don't even know this woman! NTA. Do not do this. Ask your parents about a restraining order if she keeps harassing you. Also, fyi? You have to be tested to see if you are a match. If you tell the testing center that you were bulled and coerced into testing and you do not want to donate, they will just tell her that you were not a match. It is against policy for organ donation to accept a donation from a donor who was coerced into giving.


FuuHouhouji

YWNBTA But your bio mom is more than likely wrong about the fact of you been able to give her a "piece of your liver" In most countries live donor liver transplant between two adults is something that only is done in highly specialize centers (also is liver-kidney transplant for that matter) or is not done at all. Been the same blood type is only one of the requirement, there are several more and one of them is that it should be freely given: not money exchange, not pressure or guilt allowed. You would only need to said to the doctor that your bio-mom is trying to guilt you into doing it and the doctor will discard you. What she is doing is against the law in the USA and I bet you could get a restrain order against her. Edit to add after your edit: you cannot be a donor of a liver-kidney transplant at your current age. You need to be an adult.


xvhayu

NTA first of all, even if you weren't adopted and someone you love actually needed a kidney from you, you still have every right to say no. it is your body. but the fact that she actually tracked you down without your adoptive parents knowing and randomly talked to you in the street is really damn creepy. she should've just called, explained the situation, and ask properly. you'd still have every right to say no then, but it would've been a lot more civilised.


dck133

How does she know you are a match? You need to do some sort of test with a doctor to see - children are not automatic matches to parents or even to their siblings. NTA and be careful - she sounds unhinged.


meezerbear9

NTA, and I think she is operating under a delusion if she thinks she can coerce a minor into donating both liver and kidney at the same time. That's not how it works.


[deleted]

As to your "edit", I've noticed it does that whenever you "Copy / paste" anything in your post (it happens to me to if I decide to move a sentence or paragraph in a post around...) ​ But as far as your actual post? I agree with your parents. Would it be "nice" of you to do that? Sure. But you absolutely don't OWE it to someone who abandoned you for their own convenience and is only coming crawling back now because she wants something... If not for her "need", she would likely still be pretending you don't exist. And children ARE NOT just preemptive organ donors... That kidney and piece of liver are YOURS. YOU get to decide what you do (or don't do) with them. ​ She had that same choice and CHOSE to blow hers away with a lifetime of drug abuse. That was her fault, and THIS is her problem. Help her if you WANT TO. But if you don't, don't think for a moment you need to feel obligated to. ​ And go give your adoptive parents a hug. They seem to have done right with you, and may appreciate knowing just how much you realize that...


setsumaeu

NTA. The process to get an organ transplant isn't "say yes and it will happen," there are lots of physical and psychological steps the transplant team will go through.


SufficientZucchini21

NTA. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I’m glad you’ve got good parents at your side to love and support you.


cho-won-tchou

NTA. And two words : "restraining order". Also, you can google SeqLKT (sequential liver kidney transplant) where both organs are taken from the same donor. It's *super rare* because super invasive for the donor. So I doubt she is following any medical advice here. I doubt any even remotely competent doctor would have told her "yes sure, you are a 46 yo recovering addict, the sane thing to do is go to your estranged 16yo daughter and harvest two organs in a row..." You and your parents should talk to a doctor just to confirm that this would not be standard practice even if you wanted too, and quite risky. Edit: one more precision, usually such invasive double transplants are almost always the otherway around from adults (or a sibling) to children.


bibbiddybobbidyboo

NTA Going in order: 1. She violated boundaries by showing up unannounced. This is ignoring she only got in touch because she wants your organs. She didn’t know if you knew you were adopted or how you’d feel seeing her out the blue. She put her needs before thinking how it would affect you. Parents are supposed to prioritise the child’s feelings. I’m pretty sure that if she was in a programme they would not consider “making amends” as chasing the daughter you gave up for adoption and upsetting them. 2. You are not obligated to interact with her for fear of her relapsing. That’s on her not you. 3. She doesn’t know you’re a match you might not be. 4. You are a person, not a spare organ factory. She is only viewing you as the latter, you are allowed to say no and not feel guilty. 5. If she’s not clean then she’s not eligible for a donation. Once she’s received transplants, she needs to stay clean to survive. 6. Donating a kidney or a liver is major surgery putting you at major risks. 7. She didn’t even bother getting to know you again or go through proper channels such as discussing it with your parents first. Your needs don’t matter to her. 8. Her melt down and harassment are not acceptable. The police and a restraining order are appropriate areas for your parents to investigate. 9. If you do feel obligated or want a get out clause to get her to leave you alone (and you shouldn’t feel obligated at all), if you tell the team you are being coerced, pressured or harassed and don’t want to donate, they’ll just mark you as not a match and won’t say why. As far as she’ll know, you’re not compatible.


ForestOfHandsNTeeth

NTA and how did she get your number? Or anyone elses?


RiverSong_777

NTA, pressuring the child she gave up into major surgery is definitely not part of recovery.


NeonPlaid42

How would she even know that you are a match? Even if your blood types are the same, there's more to it than that. Get a restraining order and block her everywhere you can.


KiittySushi

You do not owe a piece of your body to your bio mom just because she decided to give birth to you. Your bio mom has a lot of entitlement, and you are completely correct in saying she's only reaching out because she wants something from you. Do not, under any circumstances, belive you owe her anything. Do not give her your kidney unless you are completely 100% sure you want to. Keep in mind that she will likely destroy your kidney with continued use. I don't think minors should be able to donate organs anyways. It's not "just" a kidney just because you have two of them. Your body needs both of those kidneys to support a healthy body. Donating a kidney is an insanely heavy choice for anyone to make, let alone a minor. DO NOT allow her to guilt you into giving her your kidney. She made the choice to not become clean before it was too late. That's on her, not you. NTA NTA NTA NTA


Issyswe

NTA, hell no. Absolutely not. And cut communication now. Court ordered if necessary. She can wait on the list or find another donor.


wynoforever28

NTA at all and I’m sure you can bring the cops into it since she’s (by law) harassing you. Doesn’t matter if she birthed you, you don’t owe her anything. She messed up her own life. She’s trying to manipulate you. I feel for you op :/ please don’t give in or fall for whatever she says.


UnusualTrash5023

NTA. you owe her NOTHING. you never owe anyone any of your body. the audacity to scream at you when she did nothing but bring you into this world. let’s not talk about all the things she actually owes you.


[deleted]

NTA making amends is not trying to guilt your teenage daughter to share her organs with you. Even though she's clean, she's still acting like an addict, me me me me


Yasha_Ingren

NTA, you owe her NOTHING


trekqueen

NTA - she obviously isn’t entirely remorseful in her “recovery” since she’s attacking you. Sure she’s probably scared but oftentimes too, despite maybe being on a waitlist, addicts usually get bumped down due to their histories. That still doesn’t mean you should give up part of you for her, you owe her nothing. The health effects of one kidney will be dramatic for you the rest of your life. It is a huge ask and the way she’s reacting is not someone who seems they would be entirely appreciative.


Useful_Experience423

YWNBTA. You owe this woman nothing. Nothing at all. Get a new number too - be very wary of who you give it to and you might find your leak. Blocking is not enough for this person and I’m sorry you had to experience this.


That_Contribution720

YWNBTA Ask your parents to get a restraining order against her.


Ellendyra

NTA Even if she had raised you from a baby, a real mother would understand if you didn't want to do it, if not outright refuse to take your kidney anyway. Sure, it's perfectly natural to be upset and hurt by the answer, it's a scary time, but to sic everyone on you like that... Despicable. She may have "given you life" but you don't owe her anything for that. She owed you.


bertiebastard

NTA. If she is still harassing you get your parents to contact the police and get a restraining order against her. You owe her absolutely nothing.


PotatoLover-3000

NTA. You owe this woman nothing. She is in the predicament she is in because of her choices. Even if she was your mother and you had a really good relationship, you would not be an asshole for not wanting to give up your body parts. (I realize she gave birth to you, but that doesn’t make her your mother.) Honestly, I’d ask your parents to help you file a restraining order. Her contact is over the top and inappropriate. You’ve told her No and she needs to accept it. Don’t give this woman another thought or moment of your time.


hornedangel73

NTA, you owe this women nothing. Her choices caused her situation. I wouldn't risk my health to save a formal addict. She could go right back to doing what she was doing.


Leuneee

NTA She only cares to get something out of you. She did not once reached out before then. She doesn’t have any intention of wanting relationship with you therefore you owe her nothing. Do not let her or anyone guilt trip you.


safetygal75

NTA- she ruined her own organs through addiction.. quite frankly she may not even be a candidate for transplant anyways.. do NOT engage with this woman. she reached out to you only because she is a leech. consider yourself so lucky to have the wonderful parents you have. you dodged a bullet.. best thing bio interns did in her whole life was to make sure she didn’t raise you! you owe her nothing.


FollowingLumpy187

NTA tell your parents to contact the police and get a restraining order.