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NTA. For crying out loud, people make mistakes. An innocent oversight doesn’t make everyone in the world transphobic or insensitive or a bitch.


Sometimes people mistake gender even if the person isn’t trans. It’s not about the mistake, it’s how they react to realizing they made the mistake. For OP, Gabe was right you shouldn’t be friends anymore. However, it’s because Gabe is a going to try and radicalize your opinions and any time you don’t agree you’re going to be an enemy because Gabe wants to me a victim.


I had a friend like that and it was hell. She only wanted to talk about her views, never asked me once how I felt about these things and everytime I tried to talk I was shut down and she didn't even listen to me. I started to have anxiety everytime I had to talk to her. Then one day I told her my true opinions via text so she couldn't interrupt me (it wasn't mild things, it was things like "someone saying a bigoted thing years ago, who is genuinely sorry for it and makes the effort to grow from it should be allowed to do activism / we should not encourage not engaging with bigoted people when they're willing to listen", and things about specific ppl that I don't agree with today). I was afraid because I didn't want to lose her. She snaped at me, told me very hurtful things and was agressive, and I ended up telling her I didn't want to be friends anymore. I hope it won't go like that for OP tho, and as a fellow LGBT person I do get Gabe's anger. When you're a queer person figuring yourself out, you're so insecure that the mildest thing can make you snap. I hope OP finds a way to talk to her friend and that Gabe will allow himself to listen. NTA.


It's a way of rolling their internal anger onto other people for perceived slights. Highly hypocritical from a group of people that claim to be 'tolerant'. As an old Liberal I am truly saddened to see people stifle other people's rights to their opinions or mistakes. It's like the notion that you don't *need* to forgive has been bastardized into NEVER forgive anything. This type of cancel culture is an authoritarian, unforgiving demand for a certain type of perfection - it is anti-tolerant and hypocritical. It leaves no room for growth and only fosters more conflict.


You’re absolutely right. It’s definitely a learned behavior that a lot of these kids are picking up, and seems to partly come FROM the fact that no one is allowed to make mistakes. If a single mistake makes you a monster/a target for harassment and completely undeserving of forgiveness, then the entire culture becomes a toxic arena of finger pointing and paranoia. Because, news flash, we are ALL humans and we ALL make mistakes. (And that’s not even accounting for the fact that what is/isn’t acceptable is constantly changing, and unless you’re trying to keep up to date it’s super easy to slip up and use outdated terms despite being 100% on the right side)


Yeah, I'm a guy with long hair who gets mistaken for a girl. I just laugh it off. It's just when I'm intentionally called a girl that I get annoyed.


Yep. Happened a lot to me in HS cuz of just long hair. Mostly never bothered me


I get overly stressed at what people deem as mild things more than major things. It just depends on my mood tbh. I only get pissy when I'm tired and mocked.


I accidentally mistook a guy with long hair with a girl a couple of years ago. I think I was more mortified than he was 😩🥺


As a guy who used to sometimes be mistaken for a girl, it is really no big deal unless done maliciously.


And even then I don't get the 'insult'. "Oh, so you called me a man/woman. Weird 'insult' mate. Care to explain how that is derogatory?" Just like when other people call somebody gay as an insult. I don't get the insult.


Yeah, once in 7th grade in the library, a teacher greeted me as a boy when he walked up to the table seating 5 boys and me. As soon as he actually looked at who was sitting there, he corrected himself and apologized. Maybe I should have run around screaming in hysterics for the life-crushing insult…but I didn’t, I accepted and moved on. NTA and OP be glad this friend let you know exactly who he is. You’ve attempted to have a normal convo but he’s too far into playing a victim. Let him die on this hill, and move on to better, more rational friends.


My boss does this all the time. It's kinda funny because our crew has the most women on nights (a grand total of two out of fifteen people)


My younger brother has long hair. At one point, I guess a substitute assumed he was trans or something and insisted on using she/her pronouns for him repeatedly. Uh, he's just a boy with long hair, sorry if that scares you or whatever, ya know? Some people, man.


Well it’s part of the problem with how movements present themselves. There are some (not all) LGBTQ activists that insist anyone that is gender non-conforming much be trans (like that guy who assaulted a girl bc she had short hair and he claimed she was being transphobic for not admitting she was trans), and activists insisting there can be no debate or discussion. So when you get an older person hearing the two messages “anyone nonconforming is trans” and “you cannot question me” I can see why they would insist on that view.


It happened to me during quarantine after my hair got down past my shoulders. I was wearing my mask so my beard wasn’t visible. The barista at the coffee shop actually called me “miss.” Haha


Same thing, like WTF?


When i had a delivery job to nursing homes and such, most of the nurses are female and just habit, after they sign for their delivery i say "thank you ma'am" .... well, one day at a facility i wasn't at often, a male nurse that's very flamboyant and feminine but still MALE and i KNOW THIS signed for the receipt. "Thank you, ma'am" and i realized i fucked up as it came out of my mouth and it's even worse because it's not an obvious mistake, i'm sure he's been mistaken as a female before...... Anyway.... He huffed and flipped his hair over his shoulder and said, "Just because i have fabulous hair doesn't mean i'm a woman" and stomped off before i could apologize .... I felt awful. Months later, he's changed jobs and working at a facility i'm at more frequently and was always chipper... i apologized one day for calling him ma'am back at his old job and he didn't even remember. I was so relieved. He's very nice and funny and I honestly just said ma'am because that's what i said all day long tldr; just a confession about fucking up and calling a male nurse ma'am. I still feel bad. It's been like 3 years ago lol


I’m a cis guy who had basically all female friends in middle and high school and this happened to me all the time. I’m also pretty short so they wouldn’t actually see me at first and would only see the girls XD


I work in a male dominated field (structures mechanic). I present rather femininly and am AFAB. Most people default to guys, gentlemen etc when greeting a group that me (and another female coworker) are apart of. And guess what? It's entirely fine with both of us.


And in a room full of girls, it’s possible that the teacher just missed that there was a boy among them. Gabe sounds extremely sensitive about misgendering, which I’m sure is a very hard subject for him, but this seems like an honest mistake.


A lot of my super high level math classes were mostly girls, so sometimes it would be forgotten we had boys in class. In college a lot of my classes are mostly women and sometimes the one or two men get overlooked. It just… happens.


Especially when everyone else there was a girl! When I was little there was one boy in my ballet class, and whenever we had an older girl assistant choreographing she’d come in with *hi girls! …and Sam*


exactly. also, it was a sub too. I've had subs that say my name wrong (a more traditional name), yet I don't call them racist. I correct them and everyone goes on with their days. Also, the sub wasn't saying the thing directly to gabe. she was saying it to the whole class.


I felt guilty as hell when I was a substitute for calling a student by the wrong name. They were trans, and the roster did not have their new name. I know it wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could have done differently, but I still felt like an asshole. Definitely NTA, OP.


NTA, your friend Gabe is one of those kids who use too many words and phrases (such as internalized transphobia) without a clue to their meaning and/or context for usage.


Shoot, I've been in rooms with mostly women and one or two men where someone calls the room ladies. No big deal. Not transphobic just something that happened.


I've walked into rooms that were predominantly female and it literally took me several minutes to be like "oh hey there's a dude over there!" And can confirm it was a dude, because I've later become friends with several of these dudes who just blended in (not even long haired or in any way feminine- literally just didn't notice them).


I mean, yeah obviously. but teenagers aren't exactly known for their emotional stability. and that goes extra for those who are going through second puberty and all of the struggles of transitioning. he was being an asshole but I'd be careful jumping to "the transes are too sensitive!"


I took that class in high school. One of my friends, who was a cis guy was also in the class. The teacher often forgot and referred to the class with female terms because its just so rare that guys take that class that the teachers arent used to it.


NTa. Sounds to me like Gabe was looking for a reason to be angry and did his best to find one. The teacher apologized and admitted their mistake. Gabe needs to take several seats.


People sometimes make mistakes. And, this sounds like an honest one, that the teacher quickly apologized for. That isnt being transphobic, nor is a fellow trans friend not agreeing with you if they think you are wrong. Gabe is an AH.


In the late 1990s I had a boyfriend (age 19-20) of Vietnamese background. He had a chip on his shoulder,and while he could be charming and polite, other days he had a bit of an attitude. When someone disagreed, said no or criticised him, he often told me it was because he was Asian, when clearly it wasn't a race issue. It seemed that he was always looking to be offended that way, or excusing things which any of us might experience and making it about his heritage. Hopefully he grew out of it.


Yes Gabe sounds like someone who is perpetually offended. I work in a place where we have only three male staff compared with seventy female staff. Often, it's a case of 'hello ladies' until the person realises one of the men is there too.


NTA it was very obviously not on purpose and she apologized for it right away gabe seems to be looking for a fight and for a reason to ostracize someone, looks like a maliscious overreaction to me tbh


NTA- the teacher could’ve just made a quick scan of the room and seen mostly female presenting people (not including gabe maybe people who were sitting up front present as female??) and made an assumption. Given that she apologized, it is obvious it was a misunderstanding. It probably did trigger some traumatic feelings within Gabe though, and while those feelings are totally valid, what is not okay is him wanting to fight an old lady after she profusely apologized.


Gabe is 16 and so presumably wouldn't have had any surgery, maybe not any HRT (not that either of those things are required for trans people, just that they often make it easier for them to pass). It would be very difficult to distinguish a teenage trans man from a teenage cis woman who wears masculine clothing.


Wait your trans and Gabe called you transphobic? Kinda sounds like Gabe is the asshole. Less than 10 years ago most schools wouldn’t even let open gay students have respect, let alone transgender students. I think Gabe needs to pause and look about how better things have gotten in the last couple of years.


bro I think there is something wrong with gabe at home or something. LIke the dude has to have some pent up anger if he were to just release it like that. He is definitely TA but maybe it's because he's not in a great place mentally?


Or they could just be an asshole. It's been a couple decades since high-school for me but I remember it bursting at the seems with assholes.


Agreed on this. Gabe’s reaction was way out of proportion


Agreed I think some people on this thread are forgetting Gabe is a trans child who by default is going through a lot and might have a reason for overreacting


People can be trans and transphobic just like people can be gay and homophobic. However that seems far from being the actual case here. Usually you see someone as being phobic to their own identity as being someone who is clearly self destructive. But defending someone who clearly made an honest mistake far from falls into this category. It seems more that this is just weaponised labeling. You disagree with me, therefore I'm going to denounce you and demonise you. This tends to be a tool of someone who is more narcissistic in behavior.


Yeah, sadly this is not uncommon. People can easily get caught up in something that becomes an important part of their identity, especially if they participate in a lot of online groups and such relating to that identity; some of those can be really quite echo chamber-y and rather reinforce an “us versus them” mentality. I don’t think it’s specifically a narcissism thing in that respect (though obviously it can be).


NTA. Anyone looking to ruin someone's life over an accident is not someone to be friends with.


NTA. She made an honest mistake. If she was transphobic she would not have apologized. IMO anyone who refuses to accept an honest apology is by definition an AH. Blocking you is just further proof that Gabe is the AH.


NTA, it was obviously a mistake. She even apologized. You’re not transphobic, you’re literally trans. he’s taking it WAY too far. People like him are why people hate us trans people :(


>People like him are why people hate us trans people This comment is kinda the proof that being trans doesn't exclude you from internalizing transphobia. Trans people who happen to be assholes ARE NOT the reason that trans people receive hate, the fact that you think that suggests you've internalized the idea that you have something to apologize for. You don't.


NTA. The only asshole here is Gabe. He sounds hugely insufferable. If this is how sensitive he is, I would consider this good riddance.


NTA. I'm trans two and I started my transition at you guys' age and oh boy, it sucks. It's completely natural to be hyper sensitive about such things at that age and early on in transition. (I'm sorry if that assumption is wrong.) Especially if important people in your life don't support you. Even if they are just indifferent it can really hurt. Also if you're anxious about passing. Gabe did over reacted after the teacher apologized. That reaction is coming from a place of fear, trauma, pain, so on. That doesn't excuse his reaction but it does explain it. I wish you and Gabe for an easy transition moving forward. I hope Gabe can let down his defensiveness around his trans identity. But there's nothing you can do about that. Just let the subject go.


Sounds like Gabe needs to let it go


NTA. No, just no. I am in complete support of others changing their pronouns, identifying themselves, etc. but sometimes people really fucking need to give others some damn leeway for honest mistakes, especially since changing pronouns is a new enough change in society. If someone apologizes for not using your pronoun or misgendering you, and then goes on to correct it from that point on, that should be the end of the situation. Gabe sounds like he saw a chance to use a real social issue as an excuse to just be an ass under the guise of fighting for that social issue. You're not an asshole for pointing out that fact.


NTA Having a dick and being a dick are not the same thing. Gabe was way out of line. Gabe's behavior is what makes cis people uncomfortable talking to trans people. No one wants to feel like they are walking on eggshells and that one innocent mix-up could be met with accusations of transphobia and hatred. I do wonder if he's recently started hormone treatment. I don't know how far along he is on his transition. High testosterone levels can easily lead to someone being quick to anger and to lash out.


Odds of him being on T at 16 are incredibly low. Puberty blockers sure, but minors being on HRT does not happen often. I came out in high school and didn't start T until my 20s, and my experience seems fairly standard.


Thank you, I'm not very knowledge about the transition process. I know the general overview of the process, but I don't know the details. Gabe's behavior just had me thinking about my attitude when I went through puberty. Testosterone really fucked up my personality for a while. I know I lashed out at people that didn't deserve it, and I was quick to anger (I also felt the need to workout all the time, but that's not really relevant).


Most people don't know unless they know trans people, honestly. The only reason I said something is that this is a common transphobic talking point; the idea of "cutting children's genitals" (but no comments on how circumcision is standard in America, curious) and pumping them full of "irreversible" hormones is one of their quickest scare factor "think of the children" responses. They argue that impressionable children are being confused and deceived by outside influence (the new iteration of the gay agenda) and they're then tricked into permanent changes that they're now trapped by in adulthood. In reality, this is... not reality. Children do not medically transition. They socially transition and may take puberty blockers, but puberty blockers are actually the opposite of transition. They delay the development of secondary sexual traits like breasts, voice changes, etc, specifically so that something irreversible *doesn't* happen before the kid figures themself out. And transphobes want to prevent the use of puberty blockers, of course. Like many right wing arguments, it's all a crock of shit based around fear mongering. Think of the children! But only if they're cis.


You're NTA but Gabe is. If you look more feminine and someone doesn't know you're Trans and go by male pronouns and you don't tell them first, they're going to use feminine pronouns for everyone. She did make a mistake and apologize. What else is she to do? He needs to calm down and not realize everyone is out to get him.


NTA. Not everyone is out to get you. Oversensitive people are the problem. The teacher genuinely apologized. Being a giant baby and playing victim for the sake of playing victim is pathetic. People make mistakes. Let them learn and grow from it. Being a walking dildo and agro is pointless and makes others look bad.


NTA. Trans guy here. I have 2 trans friends in a class of mine. All AFAB. Sometimes when referring to a group with us and a few girls she’ll use a feminine term (ladies, girls, etc.) we correct her, she apologizes, and we all move on. No hard feelings and no guilt. Trans people get misgendered sometimes. It’s inconvenient and kinda hurts but we just have to learn to correct people and move on. As far as internalized transphobia, a lot of us have some. That doesn’t make us dangerous for other trans people to be around and it doesn’t make us mean or unfair. It means we have some internalized beliefs that need attention. I think he’s hurt and being unreasonable. Sometimes old people aren’t malicious, they’re just old


NTA. Some people Jus look for opportunities to be offended. And that is across all backgrounds and orientations and races and ethnicities and religions. Some people need attention. Some people need drama. Some people need quiet. And some people need to be offended. That is their issue. Not yours. You don’t have to change your ideas or opinions to make someone else feel better. That is ridiculous. Behaviors, yes, should be modified to not offend. Thoughts just happen and opinions are personal. This isn’t on you. You’re good.


NTA. What more did he want her to do? This is ridiculous. He needs to get over himself and cut people some slack for honest mistakes.


NTA. I have a “friend” almost exactly like this. They came out as non binary in March, however I wasn’t present and therefore I was completely unaware. I used their deadname in a conversation and they immediately refused to speak to me for a couple days. We made up, but they’re one of those people who makes being lgbtq their entire personality and if one of us points it out we’re accused of homophobia. If Gabe is serious about ending your friendship, I wouldn’t be too upset about it. Someone like that is just toxic regardless of sexuality or gender identity.


NTA - Is the old lady even aware the he is trans? It's actually unfair to assume other people KNOW your gender to begin with and when you get angry when people apologize you're not contributing to change, you're preventing change. This is coming from someone who has been on the lgbtiq community for over 30 years. Trust me, yelling solves nothing. Communication, forgiveness and understanding solves a lot more and it sounds like Gabe needs to get off his self-righteous label here and accept that people make mistakes. The world is changing but it doesn't mean he gets to bash people with they are learning how to adapt to those mistakes. Dialogue is better than threats for progression. My sister is a trans as well and we have work through these same issues for over a decade now... you don't get to be judgemental of other people just because you FEEL judged.


NTA. This is why people can’t take the Trans community seriously. There are very few people out there who are willfully misgendering you just to hurt your feelings. If you don’t pass, or you don’t go out of your way to express your pronouns, people are going to say whatever instinctively comes to mind. Jesus Christ. Gabe needs to get a grip instead of choosing to paint themselves as the victim all the fucking time.


NTA, especially if the teacher apologized right away when corrected. How was she to know? Was she supposed to assume Gabe is trans based off of some physical attributes or vibe they give off? And if she was, isn't that the whole issue at it's core anyway, is that the teacher used "ladies" because they were assuming? And why did I have to write this comment using only questions? Lol


JFC, teachers should not have to put up with this shit. Sit your arse down and listen to the lesson.


NTA. And I’d like info on how Gabe was dressed too-there was a trans woman on a competition show recently who was well over 6 ft and bald and didn’t wear obviously feminine clothing which is her choice, but makes misgendering more understandable. So if this was the case with Gabe, one can’t expect people to be mindreaders. In any case, plenty of cisgender people get misgendered too, so it isn’t uniquely transphobic people doing this.


NTA. Your “friend” is also actively ruining people view of trans people by acting like a little baby.


NTA cancel culture at its best.


NTA. Gabe needs to realize that he's going to find no shortage of actual enemies in the world right now. Going ham on someone that's actually trying is incredibly stupid tbh


NTA. My metric is generally…would this happen if the person was CIS? And I have definitely seen teachers do the exact same thing to cis men in a room of mostly women - usually “Hello ladies!” “I’m here too” “Oops and also Paul!” Very easy mistake to make, I think your friend is having a rather extreme reaction.


NTA. Gabe would probably find me insensitive when I say he needs to grow a pair 😂


Your friend has an identity issue. I had the same problem at that age. He’s so sure of who he is but is scared people will constantly challenge his identity his whole life. He needs to mature and realize not everyone was raised by perfect people and sometimes we need to unlearn bad habits. You’re NTA and your friend has some issues to work through


NTA - Gabe's attitude is the reason people's positive perfection of LGBT has gone down.


NTA, I'm guess the substitute glanced over the class and didn't pay too much attention, it was an honest mistake. And I don't think it reflects on how well Gabe "passes" either (I'm guessing that might be something he could be upset about?) I took a set building course in HS that was all dudes except for me (so like 12-13 dudes, one girl). The instructor would always say "okay, gentlemen..." I think it took him 2-3 classes to notice I was there lol. And I dressed pretty damn girly at the time.


Solid NTA. I know society has stupid gender expectations still and some people are just blatantly transphobic/homophobic/misogynistic, but for the love of whatever divinity you hold sacred, we’ve got to cut some slack for people who are genuinely trying to improve their behavior and learn from their mistakes. Gabe needs to be less dramatic.


NTA. She could have doubled down on the gender she called him but instead she offered an apology. Tell Gabe to seek help.


Your 'friend' Gabe is in for a world of hurt. Most people already will think he's crazy and he just goes and confirmed it. If you look for offense you will find it. The sub for asmr trying to disrespect anyone, but Gabe seems eager to have a confrontation over it. Take this as a warning sign. People like this will make your life hell. Live your life, be who you are, and try to be as understanding when people make mistakes as you can, because you will too and forgiveness is the lubricant that makes relationships if any sort possible. Gabe will end up alone, screaming in Twitter about how no one will date him because he is a miserable SOB. Don't keep that in your life. Life is hard enough without seeking trouble. NTA.


NTA this kid needs to chillout, poor woman made an honest mistake and apologised.


NTA. The teacher apologized profusely for her mistake. Being incorrectly gendered sucks and feels terrible and can be triggering I understand, but Gabe does have to realize it wasn't meant maliciously and she didn't mean it. He's got a right to feel frustrated and angry about it, but he shouldn't try to harm the teacher just because she made a mistake. And he shouldn't be mad at you for saying "hey mistakes happen." He's clearly going through a lot currently and this could have been a bad day for dysphoria and everything, but he really shouldn't be lashing out at you about it (or trying to ruin the teacher's job).


NTA and I wouldn't go running after Gabe who is using silent treatment to punish you


NTA it was a mistake, she legitimately apologized. This happens to CIS people too if their appearance and/or setting is somewhat conventional. People who go this angry this easily are exhausting.


NTA Trans man here who is out but has to deal with the being called a girl when addressed as a class in P.E. alot of the time of the teacher is talking to a small group im in she’ll add my name or a boys (maybe just me but hey maybe i am multiple boys). im grateful for that. she made a honest mistake and she’s old she isn’t going to be able to make her language gender neutral (folks or people for example).


Nta. I’m not Trans myself, but I do have friens who are Non Binary or Trans. They have never made such a big deal out of a pronouns mistake (idk if that was out of politeness, I know it bothered them, so I was always careful but they easily forgave mistakes from teachers). Also calling you transphobic for defending the teacher and then ignoring your calls seems very immature. This lady made an honest mistake I don’t think she meant any harm and she apologised, what more does he want from her?


NTA The lady didn't know, she apologized, and corrected herself. You can't ask for more than that, especially from a complete stranger. Gabe is being a precious snowflake who thinks the world revolves around them.


Chances are the sub just assumed it would be all women because it was childhood development and the "alright ladies" had nothing to do with anyone actually in the class, trans out not. Give Gabe some time and space and then chat with him.


NTA I'm non-binary if that helps. The teacher made a stupid mistake which they apologised for. Not everyone who makes a mistake about someone's gender or pronouns is transphobic. Gabe is going to meet a lot of transphobic people in his life and he is going to have to learn the difference between a honest mistake and real transphobia. Hint: the real transphobes won't apologise.


I was in 6th grade (11 years old) in the early 90s. I dressed comfortably. Jeans and a hoodie most days. Over the summer I convinced my mom to let me cut my hair short so it could look like hers. Big mistake. First day of a new school and I didn’t know anyone. I raised my hand in class and the teacher said “yes the boy in the blue sweatshirt”. I looked around and said “I’m a girl”. She looked mortified. I was a little embarrassed but I got over it. Mistakes happen. There are a lot of overly sensitive people nowadays. It makes it difficult for people to say anything for fear of offending someone. It’s sad.


NTA - My daughter is trans. She understands that just like she wants people to be kind and understanding toward her, she needs to be kind and understanding toward others. There is no reason to deal with people purposely misgendering but people mess up unintentionally all the time. I hope your friend comes to that realization someday or he will be choosing a very unsatisfying way to live.


NTA if Gabe can't handle an old lady accidentally saying "hello ladies" then I don't see how he's going to function in the world outside of college. My trans friends get misgendered everyday.


not the asshole at all. your friend is just a whiny crybaby who thinks the world should never once offend him ever ,


As a trans person myself, shit happens. Mistakes happen, and no one is perfect. It's not transphobic to make a mistake and apologise for it, or defend someone who is apologising for their mistake. NTA.


Unnecessary drama from Gabe…..


Wow some people using their gender as a weapon now 😂


Sounds like Gabe has a misogyny issue. NTA


NTA, Gabe is going out of their way to be offended. The teacher already apologized and corrected her language which is the opposite of transphobic. I mean I’ve been out to lunch with my male friend with long hair and waiters have said “hello ladies” on accident, so this doesn’t only happen to transgender people. It’s unreasonable to expect a substitute teacher to ignore material reality and assume someone must be trans. If Gabe is offended by someone correcting themselves and modifying their language in the case of an honest mistake, they’re in for a hard life.




NTA. Your friends reaction is a complete over reaction. The whole trans movement is still new and very recent for the vast majority of the population. Many people are still learning what words and pronouns are and aren’t appropriate. If honest mistakes are followed by sincere apologies, then forgiveness is the appropriate response. The teachers intent was obliviously not malicious. Hopefully soon, everyone will be educated enough that these misunderstandings will be avoided


NTA. At all. I get Gabe not feeling great towards the teacher, but it was an honest mistake and she apologized, so life goes on, right? It sounds like Gabe has some anger he needs to redirect there, because it's clear you aren't transphobic, and from what you said neither is the teacher, who acted the best way possible. Also worth remembering that you stood up for him when it was important, you were a friend and an advocate. Him calling you transphobic is terrible. He's trivialising (is that a word?) an important subject and using it as a weapon for people that disagree with him.


NTA. You’re right. These things will continue to happen for some time as trans folks are more and more visible and Gabe needs to learn to pick his battles. This is not one of them.


NTA. Holy shit. Im a heavyset cisgender ginger female and I was walking and someone behind me a ways was yelling "sir." They thought I was a longhaired ginger dude instead of a woman. They felt so awful about it that they stuttered on their words, gave me the $5 I dropped and ran away. I felt bad but I didn't want to get physically violent about it. This guy has a HUGE chip on his shoulder and should step bad and self-examine himself.


NTA In the only girl in class and the teachers say "Hello boys" all the time, but then they see me and apologise and include me in. Mistakes happen.


NTA- people make mistakes and she owned up to it. My partner is NB, and they NEVER get upset when people misgender them. They know mistakes happen.


Yeah, Gabe is overreacting. The substitute obviously made a mistake and apologized for it, nothing wrong with that. There was no need for violence. NTA


NTA it sounds a genuine mistake on the teachers part. Gabe seems like the kind of person to claim something is transphobic at the drop of a hat, even when it’s uncalled for. Calling you a transphobe as well is a joke.


NTA. My husband has longer hair and often when we go out to eat, the waitstaff will approach from behind him and when they reach the table they will say some version of, "Hello, ladies," without looking at either of us because they're fussing with silverware or something. Then my husband looks up at them with his full beard and says, "Hello." They are inevitably very embarrassed and apologize profusely because it was an oversight on their part. No problem, life goes on. Gabe sounds almost like he is taking everything as a personal affront. That is not a good place to be in mentally or emotionally, quite frankly, and can be exhausting to be around. Maybe it is time to get a little distance from him.


I made a similar mistake when I was waitressing. Husband and wife sitting down. Husbands back to me. He had long luxurious hair and looked like a woman from the back. I apologized profusely for my mistake and they took it very well. A month later when they came back it happened again. I felt awful. They laughed it off saying they hoped they have me again and we chatted for a bit about how I wasn’t the only one to mistake him for a women from behind.




NTA, it must be incredibly hard to be out at your age and I can absolutely see how Gabe could be sensitive to that. However people do genuinely make mistakes especially if this was a knee jerk greeting to a new class. Accidents happen and the fact that the teacher showed remorse and then corrected her behavior is exactly what you want to see. Mistakes happen regarding gender to trans and cis folks but it’s how people proceed after they learn the truth that really shows their character. I in no way mean to in validate Gabe’s feelings or experience, but as you get farther along in your identity and discovery you become a lot more comfortable in who you are, your world stops becoming controlled and clouded by your emotions and fears and it’s easier to see that not everyone is out to hurt you. Best of luck to you both. This queer lady is proud to see the next génération living as themselves so early. <3


people like gabe are the reason people hate the entire trans community, if he continuous doing this he wil end up lonely ​ also NTA


NTA, most of the childhood development classes in my high school were all teenage girls as well. It was an honest mistake on the part of the sub. She apologized. Gabe having such a violent reaction even after all that wasn’t okay. It makes me worried for when he encounters actual transphobia.


NTA. Gabe is entitled to feel upset about being misgendered. But raising a huge stink and threatening to “scrap” the teacher’s job over a clear mistake (especially when an apology was immediately issued) is over the line. I recommend you avoid folks like Gabe. The LGBTQIA+ community is filled with mostly great people. But there is definitely a sect of “outrage hounds” who will take any excuse to get on a moral high horse and start fights. If Gabe fits that category, you losing him as a friend may not be a bad thing.


NTA. Your friend seems to really want to be angry/ a victim. I’m not trans so I have absolutely no idea what it’s like but that type of behavior seems like a big red flag to me. This person may not even be worth the effort.


sounds like Gabe wants to play victim all the time and stops listening to reason the second someone disagrees with him, he's gonna have a long and hard life if he's going to play victim all the time someone makes an honest mistake anyway, NTA and maybe good riddance, that kind of attitude only makes people more jagged and less accepting.


NTA it's very clear that Gabe has a lot of growing up to do. The age shows in the things one chooses to get irrationally mad about lol. Trans dude here btw.


NTA, just because someone is trans, doesn't mean they can't also still be a dick.


NTA. Sounds like he has internalized phobic fears that’s he’s projecting onto a random situation. I mean I get where’s he’s coming from; people can suck, but this was obviously an honest mistake.


You're NTA.... I'm the proud father of a Trans Man....a Trans Man that wants NOTHING to do with the so called "Trans Community". My son is just trying to live his life and is doing an amazing job at that. He's happily married and thriving...however he finds the so called "community", pretty insufferable.. His words, not mine..."Dad, it's like a cult of hate, people just trying to one up each other over who's got it worse." Don't lose a lot of sleep over people trying to win the victim Olympics, love yourself, love the people around you and treat everyone with sincere kindness. Demand respect from those you allow close to you. Don't let people become "emotional vampires" and drain you of your life force, because people, all kinds of people will do that if you let them. Good luck and make 2021 your best year yet!


Unpopular option (kind of) but any non-binary person should understand that not everyone is going to be gender neutral with their sayings if they arent used to it, or make an honest mistake. If anyone does anything unintentionally (aside from murder or things as bad/illegal) you should not take offense. Being triggered is different from taking offense. If its a situation like this, correct them nicely, and move on. If they keep doing it out of habit, I know it could get frustrating, but a small slip up is never something to fight over. Its only if they keep doing it, try to not fix it, or do it on purpose that you should ever get angry with. People have a lot going on in their lives, you don't know how they think or how they grew up. Some people have more learning to do than others. If you want people to be soft, caring, and nice to you, do the same back. Intention matters.


NTA. Also, I think Gabe might need therapy.


NTA. I’m also trans. Honestly Gabe is really overreacting here. She made an honest mistake and when corrected, she apologized. He had no reason to react how he did.


Nta I'm not trans but I was in an intro to engineering class in high school, a guest speaker walked in and said 'good morning gentlemen' before realizing I was there and saying 'and lady...s?' Like he was hedging his bet if there was more of us (there wasnt). It isn't a big deal. That kind of thing happens all the time.


NTA In this case, the sub teacher wasn't directly addressing him, but rather addressing the class, and making a reasonable assumption based on the fact that such classes are nearly always entirely women. He was right to raise and objection at the time. But sub teacher immediately apologised. That should have been the end of the matter. No one is going to get things perfectly right every time when meeting someone for the first time. But the measure of a person's character is in how they react when they make a mistake. This sub teacher reacted appropriately.


NTA. Now Gabe can be a bit upset about it privately but carrying on like he is is just ridiculous. I’m going to have a guess here and say that most people have either had something obvious about them gotten wrong by random people before. While I’m sympathetic to the fact that Gabe’s mental struggles are causing him to have a more pronounced reaction to this, this is something he is just going to have to get used to. Not because he’s trans and will be mistaken for the wrong gender, but because mistakes happen and it’s a normal part of life. It’s not malicious it’s just human.


NTA Coming from a trans guy, your friend needs to get his head out of his ass.


No internalised misogyny here though, no? It’s cool to throw slurs like bitch around but god forbid someone slips up with a pronoun. NTA. Your friend needs some resilience.


NTA. He/she is overreacting, it was an honest mistake on the teachers part. She is the real victim here


NTA He is making his life harder than needed. People are going to make mistakes. Wait until he is an adult and a cashier calls him ma'am instead of sir because they are in auto pilot and just talked to a woman. Words are hard. If someone apologizes he needs to move on.


NTA, and Gabe’s in for a rough time if he stays on that hair-trigger.


NTA. I wouldn't really call Gabe TA either but he is definitely overreacting. I'm also a trans guy and I understand how frustrating it is and how it can ruin your day - ESPECIALLY as a younger person like yourself - when someone makes the honest mistake of misgendering you. It feels like a slap in the face and even if you have support it hurts. Gabe is being dramatic about it and should apologize to you, but I can recognize that he's probably dealing with a bunch of other stuff and this was just one or many instances that are bothering him. OP, you're fine and you don't need to do anything in this situation - I would just recommend checking in with Gabe and seeing if there's anything else going on that he might need to get off his chest or if he's going to therapy to help with his transition. He's being a jerk, but you're both teenagers and as someone with experience being a trans teenager, sometimes you get upset and lash out for reasons you can't even understand in the moment. Good luck and stay strong!! Things get a lot better as you grow up. (I'm 21 now and getting top surgery this February!!!)


NTA, this is an example of someone weaponizing their identity.


NTA, but Gabe is.


NTA. Lots of people make mistakes and the fact that the teacher apologised for her’s should be acknowledged, not villified. Your friend is seriously lacking in the compassion department.


NTA jfc I'm a cis man covered in body hair and I *still* get miss/ma'am-ed on a semi-regular basis, and I don't have a unisex name. Being misgendered is a regular life experience for a lot of people, and while it certainly is understandable that it's upsetting to gabe, it was an honest mistake


NTA But rethink your "friendship" with Gabe. If you really felt like the teacher didn't mean any harm, and was apologetic-- TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Gabe basically must believe the complete opposite, that the teacher is a horrible human being who deserves to be jobless and thrown out onto the streets. You can either give in and ignore how you really feel about it, to "get along" with Gabe, or you can be true to yourself. Obviously, one of these is the best way to be. People will call you all kinds of names for not "taking their side", for simply not agreeing with them. Recognize that for what it is: Gabe calling you a "transphobe" is bullying behavior. Gabe is telling you what label you will receive if you refuse to comply. Be strong and call Gabe an asshole.


NTA. We have to forgive humans for being human. If she had gone on a anti-trans tirade, then that is different. Humans make mistakes, and all of us need to remember that.


YTA. Here are some of the greatest hits from the comments on your post: "Having a dick and being a dick are not the same thing NTA - Gabe's attitude is the reason people's positive perfection of LGBT has gone down. You're NTA.... I'm the proud father of a Trans Man....a Trans Man that wants NOTHING to do with the so called "Trans Community". My son is just trying to live his life and is doing an amazing job at that. He's happily married and thriving...however he finds the so called "community", pretty insufferable.. His words, not mine..."Dad, it's like a cult of hate, people just trying to one up each other over who's got it worse." NTA. Gabe would probably find me insensitive when I say he needs to grow a pair 😂 NTA. Your “friend” is also actively ruining people view of trans people by acting like a little baby." Do you think these comments are respectful? Do you think they reflect respect for trans people? Is this they type of discussion you hoped to inspire by talking shit on your trans friend online, instead of idk, maybe having some compassion or simply distancing yourself? Your were nta for saying what you said to Gabe, but YTA for posting this on Reddit and allowing people to spread transphobic hate against your "friend" without so much as a peep in his defense. Imagine if he happened upon this. It's giving internalized transphobia. Gabe's obviously going through some things, but he got something right. YTA


NTA. NB here. Folks are learning. She corrected quickly and apologized. People have messed up my pronouns and quickly apologized and corrected themselves, and that honestly means a lot - they have an entire society that has programmed them and their families for generations into the gender binary, that shit requires moments sometimes to step back and realize you messed up and fix yourself. Even if it’s not ingrained yet, they’re trying. Your friend sounds like a self righteous snot.


NTA. That's not even what internalized transphobia is anyways lol. They just said that bc they needed a reason to double down on disagreeing with u. Coming from somebody else who's trans with a lot of Trans friends. I think ur friend is just looking for a reason to hate somebody.


It’s so incredibly obvious you posted this for karma my god this is such a petty insignificant squabble


^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I wanna say that I'm trans too (16F) and I have a friend who's also trans, his name is Gabe. We were at school a week ago before Christmas break and we had a substitute teacher walk in this morning. This seems like a coincidence, but our class is all girls, with the exception of Gabe. This is because we're taking Child Development and that typically has more female students there (I don't know why your guess is as good as mine). Substitute teacher said "hello, ladies" to greet everyone. Gabe got really upset and some of the other students corrected her, myself included. Substitute teacher was actually EXTREMELY sorry, and apologized profusely to Gabe. He didn't accept any of that. After class me and Gabe talked during lunch about how he wanted to "scrap" the teacher and kept calling her an insensitive bitch. Here's where I may be the asshole. I told her that she was just an old woman who made an honest mistake and she apologized for it. No reason to be upset at her now. Then he called me transphobic, saying I had "internalized transphobia" and we shouldn't be friends anymore. WTF? Kept calling him after school and he keeps blocking my calls and texts. I went to friends about this and they had mixed opinions. Some told me to apologize to Gabe. Like I get Gabe's anger, I'm trans too and can get triggered by incorrect pronouns. But I genuinely believe this case was an honest mistake from a person who didn't mean any harm. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


What is an alternate to ladies and gentlemen. I work with people (clients) who I'm not sure what gender so would never want to make a mistake


In general there's ways to say hello without bringing any gendered terms into the conversation. Here's some I use: "Hello everyone!" "Great to see everyone today." "How are you all doing?" "Greetings, guests." "Thanks for attending." "Good evening folks."


I think a fun one is ladies and gentlefolk!


I would recommend going with “Yo, wassup!”. Gender-neutral, and has a nice retro vibe 😊


Thanks! But what about singular term sir or ma'am. Are their replacements? Happy holidays !


It’s not been that long that people are ok with gender norms and the such being different (in western societies). Older people especially will make mistakes. The fact she apologised and corrected herself says that she’s probably accepting, just not accustomed. Gabe’s being a dramatic teen that thinks he knows everything about anything and is, apparently, a psychologist too. He’ll hopefully grow out of that eventually or get a good therapist that helps him change his ways. I’ve noticed a lot of troubled ppl especially (which tends to include trans people because they grow up in trauma, usually), will be so incredibly angry. And I understand why when you’re not feeling accepted. But it’s not helping you grow and become a better person, at all. NTA. I hope Gabe comes to his senses and gets some help or grows out of it.


NTA people need to pick their battles. It sounds like there was no malice from the teacher, it was insensitive of her, but she couldn’t have apologised enough. What more does Gabe want? Hopefully the teacher will learn from this incident & be better.


he can’t invalidate your opinions and experience being trans just because he’s upset and you’re not. your view is completely valid. i understand him being upset, but for him to insinuate that you forgiving something small/most likely innocent is internalized transphobia is ridiculous and completely invalidates your voice as a trans person. NTA at all.


NTA and I apologize on behalf of the transmasc community


I have a lot of sympathy for subs on this one: Most schools list biological/birth names only, and this corresponds to deadnaming sometimes. The sub had no idea and, as you said, made an honest mistake. Nta.




NTA. Totally honest mistake and she apologized. You are right. The issue is why Gabe is so freaked out over it and wants everyone to take his side. His life must be very stressful to be so angry.


NTA- the key is in how the teacher genuinely apologised. It is a pity Gabe was hurt, but it is not reasonable to go after someone who made a simple mistake, acknowledged it and apologised genuinely and significantly. It is especially not reasonable for Gabe to attack you. Just leave it- if Gabe doesn't forgive you, it's not a relationship that was going to end well anyway. Space will help you work out what the future will bring.


NTA. Gabe is coming off as extremely entitled. It’s not like the teacher intentionally said it as an attack. He choose to take it personally for attention which is ridiculous.


NTA. Also a trans man like him. Gabe needs to suck it up. I have a deep voice and facial hair and sometimes still get called "ladies" with friends of mine that are girls. People are blind. Not maliciously. Just, naturally.


Giving someone the chance to correct themselves is better than jumping down their throat immediately. This was a genuine mistake, not willful misgendering; there's a difference. NTA. Gabe's just a disgusting meme at this point.


NTA Your teacher made a mistake and was (seemingly) genuinely apologetic. People make mistakes. I understand and sympathize that it’s difficult to be trans, but there has to be some leniency on both sides for human error. Honestly, for someone who is trying to be progressive and open-minded, why is Gabe calling his teacher a bitch? Using misogynistic language doesn’t really help his case here.


NTA it was a substitute who probably did a quick glance and saw all females and when corrected apologized. The Sub didn't double down on the assumption. We are human and make mistakes. Gabe finds power in trying to cast others in the role of oppressor and himself into the oppressed/victim role


NTA, and a soft YTA for Gabe. People make mistakes. If they self-correct and try to do better, let it be. Gabe is holding on to outrage because he/they (you didn't specify preferred pronouns that I saw) want a reason to play victim. The teacher did nothing wrong, and neither did you.


NTA Gabe is probably the first boy that teacher has ever had in the child development class and it's not like she carefully looked at each and every student before greeting. She didn’t misgender *him* in particular, she made a assumption based on years of prior experience and immediately apologized and corrected herself when she learned the assumption was wrong.


>Substitute teacher was actually EXTREMELY sorry, and apologized profusely to Gabe. He didn't accept any of that. I don't know if you're the asshole, but Gabe definitely is.


Substitute teachers are actually more commonly abused than trans people so folks need to check their privilege.


NTA. The fact that she apologized for it should show that her intentions were good but she made a mistake.


NTA and I find it so hard to believe Gabe acted like this. Like an actual child


This gives me, "IT'S MA'AM" vibes. Gabe is an entitled jerk. How on earth is the teacher supposed to be a mind reader? NTA


so close. and yet so far.


NTA. You can devote your energy to people who aren’t so hypersensitive and blamey, you don’t have to put up with that. I mean it’s one thing to be misgendered and that would hurt so so much, but at the same time you can tell a genuine mistake. And the teacher addressed the whole class as a collective, and when corrected made an effort to apologise, was accountable for it, and will not do it again. Gabe can’t ask for much more than that. And the age factor too… sadly while things are a lot more progressive these days, the older generations can be resistant to change and are less familiar with anything that isn’t wedlock between a cis man and a cis woman. I think the fact you’re trans too holds a lot of weight in this, your view and perspective is much more valid than mine (cis f here who is ace). If anyone understands what your friend felt it would be you, and you shouldn’t be even questioning yourself and your reaction to it. You’re a good friend, keep Gabe accountable if you do talk, and make sure you don’t let yourself be a punching bag of sorts. It sounds like it was super triggering for poor Gabe, and sadly he took It out on you. Good luck OP, I hope it all turns out okay.


NTA The teacher made an honest mistake and apologized for it. If she has been a bigot or gave an insincere apology that would be a different story. However, don't tell him how to feel. If those comments triggered him, just listen to him. Telling him there was no reason to be upset was insensitive. Validate his feelings because he has probably been invalidated his whole life.


NTA Ffs, it was a mistake. Everyone corrected her and she apologised. It’s also such an easy mistake to make if everyone in your class, apart from Gabe, is a girl. She probably just didn’t notice him straight away. Seems like your friend is one of those people who just wants to get offended and pretend the whole world is against him. He needs to grow up. So childish.


NTA. Your friend needs to have at least a paper thin skin about that sort of thing, it’s going to happen a lot, especially around new people even if they have the most positive of intent.


NTA. I personally deal with this all the time, but I understand I look feminine due to personal issues. You seem willing to accept human error, and should not be made to feel guilty about someone else's honest mistake. Besides, she's a substitute teacher, do hardly familiar with the class, and teachers see loads of students in a day.


NTA. The sub made a mistake. But, more importantly, was genuinely sorry. This Is a silly hill to die on


I mean.. I've been called sir by a customer service worker when I was 15 and I have long hair and a large..uh.. chest. Lol.. it actually really hurt me.. made me question everything about myself.. and it's stuck with me. (I'm 30 and I still think about it sometimes.) Oh, despite my experience, NTA, OP.


NTA. She made an off the cuff comment and apologised. Seems all people have to do nowadays is sneeze and someone's labelling them "transphobic". I remember when transphobic actually meant something, now it's banded around so much that it's becoming an eye roll phrase.


Gabe is a total asshole, and makes the whole trans community look like assholes.


NTA - teacher made a mistake, owned up quickly, and apologized. It's not like she insisted that Gabe is "actually a girl" or some other crap like that.


NTA. If makes same mistake over and over, they are TA. If they make a mistake, apologize, and it doesn't happen again, give them benefit of it go.


Insult should be based on intent. The intent was kindness even if it wasn't conveyed. The intent of the apology was also kindness. Regardless of how Gabe identifies.... Gabe needs to get some perspective. 10/10 for being friend emough to call out your friend for bs.


NTA. You belive in good in people, and I think the world needs more of that.


NTA. im ftm too and most of my friends are girls, so when i’m out with them we get called “ladies” a lot, presumably because people see a group of mostly girls and skip over me. it hurts a little but it’s not a big deal, it’s just life.


NTA what a drama queen he should start to grow up the teacher even apologized


NTA how was she supposed to know at first glance? And she apologised after too? Bruh, it seems like this kid is really angry at the world and has some issues to work through.


NTA. this will be an unpopular opinion to many, but he doesn't sound like the type of friend you want, he will always have found some way to fault you for not living up to some high minded ideal that even he doesn't live up to. I've known many people like Gabe and they all, without exception, ostracized themselves from everybody as they constantly found faults in other people but never in themselves, they were always the victim in their minds. I hope I'm wrong and he isn't like that but if one honest mistake from someone else caused him to rethink your friendship then I don't see it being a healthy friendship long term.




NTA. You know how often women have to listen to "hello guys" and feel included? it was a mistake, there was an apology. That should be the end of it. As long as this teacher doesn't do it again.


ppl commenting who are cis do NOT get to say if YTA or not. however im trans & you're definitely not the asshole.