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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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benm421

NTA, and if she's withdrawing affection because you're asking her to pull her own weight that's a big red flag. How long you got left on that lease? I'd be getting out of that relationship.


[deleted]

1 year basically


Meowkins1

She needs to move out. A grown ass woman who won't even work is not a partner who will add value to your life.


thistleandpeony

>A grown ass woman who won't even work is not a partner who will add value to your life. This. Not knowing what you want to do in life when you just graduated from high school is fine, but mooching off of everyone around you for 4 years while you do nothing all day is not. OP, her parents *very* generously let her live with them for nearly half a decade, paying for all of her expenses, so she could figure things out. And she did. It seems to me your girlfriend figured out she doesn't want to work for a living and would rather be kept. She wants someone to pay all of her bills and expenses for her while she does whatever she wants. She wants to be a spoiled housewife. Do you want to be the sole provider, supporting a housewife possibly indefinitely? If the answer is no, it's time to end this relationship.


cml678701

Plus she is not even a housewife if she is not doing chores.


the_saltlord

She can't even provide affection when she's in the middle of sulking


StonyOwl

Her parents weren't just generous, they enabled her abject laziness. No college or job training, just sitting around doing nothing. She clearly has no plan or desire to change and just wants to mooch off OP.


Freedom_19

She may be a sweet and beautiful person, but she is not a good partner. Let her know what you expect, and if she's not willing to try, than being sweet and beautiful are not enough


stumblios

I'd get rid of the sweet thing. Withholding affection because she was asked to carry her weight is NOT sweet, I'm pretty sure it's emotional abuse.


VisualCelery

And I feel like 22 is right at that point of life where a boyfriend or girlfriend is no longer just someone whose time you enjoy, and you start to see the people you're dating as people you may (or may not) want to start a life with. You start to realize, sometimes the hard way, that a person might be nice to look at, and fun to watch movies with and take to winter formal, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're gonna be a good life partner for you. I mean, OP's girlfriend may not be a great life partner to a lot of people unless she makes some serious life changes very very soon, but unless OP breaks up with her, she may never feel the need to make those changes.


marie6857

Exactly. The point of having a life partner is to grow together. He’s growing and maturing into a functioning adult, she is sticking in the past and not growing at all it seems. Glad OP can see this before it’s too late! Edit: NTA !


piscessa2

Yeah sweet is great at 18. But OP has done a lot more growing up. But his heart must be hurting - be sensitive people! OP - this sucks, but you've grown up and she hasn't. You need to split, for her benefit and yours. She'll either grow up and maybe thank you and be with you again, or she won't, and you'll have dodged a bullet. It sucks, but things won't get better if you don't. Good luck!


commandantskip

This is the perfect response to OP. Seconded, and NTA.


SydneyPigdog

Sponging off someone is draining, he'll eventually get to a point where he returns the favour and withdraws affection because she's used up all his goodwill, when she realises it was her own doing will be a bad day for her. NTA.


StoatofDisarray

NTA. I’d be beautiful and sweet if I could sit on my arse all day twiddling my hair. Instead I’m frayed and a bit tired and glassy-eyed because like most people I’m trying to support myself and not mooch off others. Find someone better OP!


rescuesquad704

Dude, you need to break up with her. She isn’t going to change. The only thing that MIGHT change is her getting pregnant to trap you if she gets concerned enough you’re about to bounce. Keep that thing to yourself and plot your escape.


Terrible_Emotion_710

I hate to agree with this, because I hate to assume that someone got pregnant to trap a guy, but I'm not naive enough to say it doesn't happen. Be careful OP before she gets pregnant and wants to be a lazy sahm. Hard working stay at home moms are wonderful and a great benefit and support to the family. Lazy stay at home moms fuck up their kids and cause chaos and frustration within the family.


GreyerGrey

I'm with you. Definitely a "not all women but potentially this one."


newmoon23

NTA but I am confused about why you moved in together. You knew she didn’t have a job and was content just laying about her parents’ house. Did you guys talk at all about how things would get paid for before you signed a lease together?


Sarahlb76

My thoughts exactly. I mean yes she’s a total mooch but it’s kind of implied that this would be the arrangement when they moved in together (unless they talked about something different) considering this is what she’s been doing for 4 years. While I agree he’s NTA, and she’s an absolute piece of work, this is also a classic case of, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”


Duhboosh

I'm sorry if someone already said this, but I haven't skimmed all of the comments. She is not your girlfriend. She is your sugar baby. At least, that's how she's treating you. You are an employer, with whom she supplies affection in exchange for money. Nothing else about you merits her love and affection besides your money. As soon as you threatened her leisurely lifestyle, she cut you off emotionally. Your request is not unreasonable - in fact, it is necessary to stay afloat. So why else would she act so cold and removed from you? Because there is nothing else about you that she is attracted to, or at least nothing attractive enough to her to keep her feelings for you intact when the financial aspect of your partnership gets rocky. This woman is a freeloader my friend. Run.


elysep15

Break the lease and leave. I know it’ll cost $$, but it’s worth it to remove yourself from this dead weight


NotMyProblem31

Is she on the lease? If not, u can just kick her out.


katamino

Normally I would ask if you could afford the rent without her, but in this case you already cover everything, so kicking her out means, other than rent, all of your costs would go down. You could probably afford a nice tropical vacation at the end of the year with the savings.


trilliumsummer

Is she on the lease too or just you?


Dee747

You need to turn off the money tap, if she won’t work to contribute then she doesn’t get any spending money. She either gets a job or goes back to sponging off her parents until they get sick of supporting her. Is she named on the lease? If not, serve her notice


PhantomCamel

4 years and no job or ambitions? Cut your losses and move on. That alone is a huge red flag and when you couple it with the withholding affection you’ve got two massive red flags.


L3GI0N__1183

op, you're still young. don't let yourself get stuck with someone who is clearly just using you


its_ya_boi97

Agreed, if she’s withdrawing affection because she wants to be lazy, sounds like OP needs to withdraw the relationship. NTA


Drive-by-poster

Good lord, this woman is my lapdog-of-satan mil, in training! My dh is STILL screwed up over how she could give or withdraw her love, on a whim. When he was in his 20s, he went to an after work informal function and called her that he would be late. She told him he wasn’t her son, she didn’t HAVE a son!, then locked him out of the house. Just one of MANY MANY things she did to control and torment him. Dude, if you don’t realize it, giving or withdrawing affection is a form of control, and will only get WORSE as time goes on and she ‘refines’ her technique. Because it comes from WHO SHE IS as a fundamental person, not some sort of personality quirk. She has shown you who she is - BELIEVE HER and get out.


Intelligent_Local_38

NTA and her withdrawing affection over a perfectly reasonable request is a bit abusive. I’d reevaluate this relationship if I was you.


[deleted]

It sucks when the consequences to " please apply for a job" are " I'm not going to hug or kiss you for 7-10 days"


Intelligent_Local_38

That’s messed up. You can’t respond to a legitimate concern that way. Your relationship won’t be healthy if she behaves like that, I’m sorry to tell you.


ShadowsObserver

The relationship already isn't healthy, she's a mooch.


28Improved

Lol then I'd stop the spending money, and tell her she can go buy her own food. The wifi and Netflix pw would get changed too since that's how she wants to play it. But honestly, I'd dump her. She sounds entitled and lazy, willing to stress you out as long as she doesn't have to do anything, and that's a shit partner


LighetSavioria

This.


Hal_Jordan55

“I’m not gonna provide a roof over your head” should work pretty well.


wearetheawesomes2

There is a difference between 'i dont know what I want to do with my future' And 'I want a sugardaddy to fund my lifestyle of me doing nothing really' You have to ask yourself "what did my girlfriend bring into this relationship, what will she bring me, and do I really wanna be with someone who weaponizes affection". Do you see your relationship this way? Sit her down and be honest with her, because you have to think in the long way and this economy is sadly only gonna get worse. I got married at 19, I dropped out of college twice and I still don't know what the fck I want at 23. But I don't sit around and wait until it is given, I research on jobs and look at what I can do. I have job I work at 36 hours, which btw I truly utterly HATE. But I would do it all again in another lifetime because I truly love my husband. I get to get home to his arms and I forget all of my coworkers and boss and shitty customers and melt away in his arms.


QuirkySyrup55947

That is what the next 80 years looks like if you stay in this. Add kids, and then the fallback position is she wants to stay home and care for them. Are you prepared to be the sole income for the rest of your life for an adult and your children. Think long and hard. NTA


Top-Bit85

Except she'll want to stay home and expect OP to care for them. Not motivated woman.


cole00cash

She'll expect to stay home and have OP pay for a nanny to take care of them while he works.


_Takub_

Bro your girlfriend is a lazy mooch who sounds like she sucks. Grow a back bone.


khimmyy

My brother did this alot to his ex fiance. Obviously she got sick of being treated less than therefore becoming the ex. She loved, took care of him, paid for things the whole 9 yards and if she did one thing wrong against him, he would ice her out for over a month. Or if she did or said something wrong during that period, the timer would start again..... this is not normal at all


Top-Bit85

It's almost as if you are paying for her affection. Think that one through.


nemc222

It doesn’t suck, it’s abusive. Your girlfriend would rather dish out emotional abuse to the person she supposedly loves than get a job. My guess is the emotional manipulation worked with her parents, please don’t be her next victim. NTA


Avalandrya

Yeah that's abusive.


bluestocking220

Since you two have been growing up together to some degree, it probably feels like this is just a phase and she’ll get it together with enough prodding and maturity. However, given that she is 4 years out of high school, did this with her parents, and also immediately resorts to emotional abuse, you need to face the pattern that she expects others to fund her life, and that won’t change as long as people (such as yourself and her parents) are willing to do it. You can choose to be a sugar daddy, but just know that’s what you are signing up for in a long-term relationship with this person. And don’t be surprised if there’s a birth control ‘accident’ once the pandemic and being young aren’t cutting it as excuses anymore.


DeaconStGone

Please listen to others giving you advice to leave her. It's sound advice. Years ago I had my gf move in with me and I paid the rent as I made double what she made and it was my apartment first. She agreed to pay the internet and to cook on the days I worked later than her as a way to not be a freeloader. That lasted for all of two months before she left her job to go to college part time and quit paying the internet and cooking, expecting me to do both. Most of the time we ordered out as I didn't feel like cooking at 7 at night when I got home when I had to get to bed at 10. If she went to college full time I could've worked with it, but she was only taking two classes at a time and only went two days a week. The other five were spent spending money and watching Netflix. You don't want a leech, you want someone who will share finances and not expect to be financially supported.


coolbandshirt

7-10 days?!! NTA


ConsistentCheesecake

That's awful and abusive on her part. Truly, you deserve better.


LexsZoo

Sorry, that’s not a bit abusive, that’s plain abuse. Time for a break up, OP. You’ll be the A to yourself if you don’t leave her.


Damn_Dutchman

"Fun , sweet beautiful and loving" but withholds affection (emotional manipulation) and any form of love language when you ask her to act like a real partner and contribute to the relationship. If at least to help ease your financial burden of caring for her royal highness. Sorry but you're just a wallet to her. She has shown you in 4 years she won't change. She likes having a princess lifestyle and is not willing to work. I bet her parents were very excited for her to leave the house. Take a hard look at your relationship. Are you actually giving what you get? Do you feel appreciated and loved or is she just using you to fund her lifestyle? I'd go drop her back off with her parents and find a real partner . NTA


bigboi89998

NTA - She is a grown adult who has lived free for the past 4 years doing nothing, if money is tight she should absolutely be getting a job. Jobs in a lot of places are in high demand too.


[deleted]

Thats what I told her.


EmmaPemmaPooBear

Does she at least clean and cook or do you do ask that too?


saveyboy

That would only make things marginally better.


silversky6

Why are you paying for a partner's affection?


cakucaku2

Honestly just sounds like he's paying the girl to be his gf. What happens when that wallet dries up and he's in debt? Is she gonna finally get a job or find a new sugar daddy? If she withholds affection for over a week after being asked to look for a job, my money is on 'new sugar daddy'.


Willowgirl78

Why did you think anything would change once she moved out of her parents’ house?


sweadle

But she hasn't had to for four years, so I am guessing that's not going to change now. You have to decide if you're okay with things continuing the way they are, if she never works. Evaluate the relationship as it is, not as you hope it will be if she does something you have literally *never seen her do*


0ne8two

\> She is a grown adult who has lived free for the past 4 years doing nothing I honestly can't even figure out why an adult would not want to do *anything.* If not work, then why not school? Learn something useful? Teach yourself a skill that could translate into services or goods to sell. I would be bored sleeping until noon and doing nothing all day. How unfulfilling. Who wants to date someone that is that unmotivated also? Wild.


Takkehdrums

NTA. Your GF is the definition of a freeloader. Go to school or go to work, staying home chilling all day and living of someone else is not an option unless she finds a sugar daddy.


[deleted]

Maybe she already did.


Takkehdrums

If you’re referring to yourself, if money is so tight that you feel the need you to make a post about it, you are not (yet) in the position to be a sugar daddy :p. Just have a frank conversation about it with her that she needs to start contributing to the household. It’ll be good for her, it gives a sense of purpose.


TheBrocialWorker

She is emotionally blackmailing you. Do not be under any illusion about this. You've asked her to contribute and she instead withdraws what little she does offer you - intimacy and companionship. In real terms you need to break up with her if you do not want to perpetually be in this position. Tell her to move back in with her parents and to come back if/when she wants to contribute. Right now you might as well have a child for the responsibility you've taken on in this relationship, and if you know she doesn't want to change now, you're going to hate yourself in months or years from now when you realise you should have nipped this whole situation in the bud.


Syncharmony

So, I went through this thread and read your other comments. When the whole picture is put together, I'm sorry to say but... you're right. You are the sugar daddy. You're literally bank rolling her buying $200+ purses randomly. Paying for where she lives, what she eats and her entertainment. The problem is that you naively did not understand how hard it is to support 2 people off of one person's salary. Money goes real fast in this day and age and her refusal to pull her own weight is directly sabotaging your future. How are you supposed to save money? How are you supposed to plan for your future? If she is taking every last red cent and leaving you holding the bill, then that is a reflection of who you are and where you will be years from now if things don't change. First she used her parents and when that well dried up, she used you. I think you can imagine what will happen if you stop enabling her behavior. At this point, mooching is all she's known and all she wants to do. You stop being her ATM and she will find someone who will be. So, unlike a lot of other people here, I'm landing in the YTA camp. Everyday you let this continue and let her take you for granted and exploit emotional terrorism to get her way is another day that YTA. You aren't the asshole to her though, you're being an asshole to yourself. Your comments suggest that you've gained self-awareness on this issue, it's time to take action.


CNCObsessed

Cut her off then. If she asks for money for something tell her no I can't afford it. Sad to say but she'll either leave you or she'll come to her senses. Also how did she get on the lease with no verifiable income? Or did you make enough to qualify the both of you?


Flat_Contribution707

NTA. Tell her the free ride is over. If she is not gainfully employed within the next 30 days, You're taking her back to her parents house.


Kairenne

And when you tell her that she is on her way out, LOCK DOWN birth control. She will be jumping your bones every single day with pin-pricked condoms. Then you will be taking care of the baby too.


28Improved

I love this


HomelyHobbit

NTA and you need to set a deadline and make things uncomfortable for her. One month would be more than enough time in the current job market. Tell her you will only pay the bills and not give her money for any reason during that time. After she gets a job, you should each be paying a percentage toward the bills based on your take home pay. She should be responsible for her own savings/fun money. If you don't put your foot down, this will keep going indefinitely. PS - Giving you the cold shoulder is emotional abuse. Read Why Does He Do That and The Verbally Abusive Relationship - your GF should not be doing this to you.


[deleted]

Sometimes she makes it pretty clear she's enjoying the coldness or, like I'm getting what I deserve.


28Improved

That makes it worse dude. She sucks


sammotico

buddy. she couldn't be showing you any clearer that her "loving" nature is conditional short of whipping out a contract for you to sign. please reread your comment here for what it is: she *enjoys* making you feel sad and lonely and unloved. she *enjoys* hurting your feelings so that she can get what she wants. i understand you guys have been together a long time, that you've been a bunch of each other's "firsts", that you really think this is ride or die... but she isn't here to be an equal partner. she isn't here to support you. she isn't here to help lift you up. she sees you as a meal ticket and *only cares about you so far as you are willing to fill that role.*


HomelyHobbit

That's awful. Please read the books I recommended, you deserve better. Also, make sure she doesn't "accidentally" get pregnant. She sounds like the type.


fuckmylighterisdead

I’d yell this in the guys face if I could. Wear a condom AND pull out, DO NOT get this woman pregnant.


HomelyHobbit

And make sure he never leaves his condoms where she can poke holes in them.


teeterleeter

You’re not. She doesn’t deserve a damn thing if she’s not contributing. You deserve someone will treat you right and contribute


bamf1701

NTA. Take note of this - if you take this relationship to the next level, this will be your life. Like you said, she knows what hurts, and she has no qualms against using it against you to get what she wants. Basically you need to ask yourself: is the screwing you are getting worth the screwing you are getting.


fuckmylighterisdead

I mean, considering she withholds affection, he’s not even really getting any screwing :/ dude needs to tell this wannabe sugar baby to piss off


shannofordabiz

You’re 22 - too young for this malarkey. No more handouts. She wants it she has to fund it. Do you want to carry on like this if you marry? If you had kids would you have to pay for a nanny as well?


FlockAroundtheClock

NTA But you knew this about her before you moved in together. Did you discuss her getting a job and contributing to the expenses before you moved in together?


[deleted]

I was dumb and said I could handle it.


SpeakerCareless

You’re allowed to change your mind. Tell her you need to talk, that you decided you don’t want to be her sole financial support. This is NOT UNREASONABLE. If she loves YOU, she’ll at least be willing to start talking about compromise or what is holding her back (which maybe isn’t laziness, maybe anxiety? I don’t know her so I’ll be generous.) but if her answer is just to shut down and punish you for trying to PROBLEM SOLVE rather than just give her her own way, she isn’t relationship material. Unless you are wanting to be her doormat.


digmachine

>maybe anxiety This is almost certainly a factor, either major or minor. She probably hasn't ever worked an actual job for any significant amount of time, given her age and how long she's been unemployed. It sounds like she's never had a job at all. It can be really difficult and anxiety-inducing getting in to the workforce for the first time. HOWEVER, it's not an excuse to not do her part and contribute. If she needs therapy in order to overcome this anxiety, then her "job" should be finding and attending that therapy until she can get an actual job. If she's just lying around and unwilling to do anything to work towards overcoming the anxiety, then it's not a valid reason to be unemployed.


Carson4307

Is this really the way the you want to live your life? NTA. But you really need to put some time and reflect how this is going to go down the line. If she’s punishing you for asking her to be an adult, then she’s not mature enough to be in a healthy relationship. Does she expect you to support her for the rest of your life? You need to get her out now.


Miss-Anthrop3

Before she turns "we" into 3!!!


anm313

OP already is taking care of one child, he doesn't need another.


SoccerQueenOf3

Were you expecting her to get a job when you moved in together? Was she aware of this expectation? It doesn’t sound like her sitting around and letting everyone support her is new behavior…


[deleted]

IDK what she expected.


Stefie25

IDK what you were expecting. Your NTA but you watched this behaviour for 4 years & then decided it was a good idea to move in with this woman? And not talk about the fact you expected her to get a job & financially contribute to the household.


28Improved

This 100%


waxillium_ladrian

NTA. Some households can be comfortable on one income. Others can't. Yours falls into the second category. Part of being an adult is working (if you need to).


panundeerus

Secondly: they are only dating, so there should be no expectation that the other one is willing to provide for both of them While the other one is just lazying around. At that young age, at todays economics and especially In any country that has no social security, you most definetly need 2 providers In the household(unless the other one would happen to have already very high paying job). I kinda feel like that (if you need to) is at the same time right and wrong statement. Just because the household would Come by with one income, I doesnt mean the other one should not work. Only if it is a mutually agreed arrangement, its okay. Otherwise its just leeching


waxillium_ladrian

My "if you need to" was meant to imply both parties agreeing, sorry if that wasn't clear. For example, my wife doesn't work a regular job. She sells some craft stuff online, but that's sporadic. She has terrible migraine issues and probably couldn't get more than a part time job due to their unpredictability, which would likely end up with her working evenings and weekends. I can support us both, so I do. Would we be more financially ahead if she worked? Yeah, probably. But we'd be less happy as a couple and she'd be far more stressed out.


slimjaydizzle

Sex as a weapon. Break up while you still can


Ok-Scientist5524

All the this, not being the mood to neck because you’re having a fight is one thing, but using lack of affection as a negotiating tool is vile in every way.


DisgracefulOats

NTA Asking your partner to contribute to the household doesn't make you an AH.


SnazzySusieQ

**NTA.** It seems like a pretty reasonable request- money is tight, it would help if she got a job. Did you discuss money and bills before your moved in together?


[deleted]

I said to her don't worry about it, I'm sure I can handle it. Big mistake


SnazzySusieQ

Ouch. You need to talk to her again and tell her that you can't do it alone. She is either going to have to get a job or go back to her parents.


mnhoser

Is it her spending that you didnt account for? I can only assume you factored in rent , utilities etc.. when you made that statement..


[deleted]

I didn't think she'd constantly need expensive clothes & accessories. I planned for, holiday gifts, like birthday, anniversary, x mas, not " Hey its a random Monday and I bought this $225 purse"


TalaLeisu2

NTA but you need to nip this in the bud. Don't let her spend your money anymore on ANYTHING. That's YOUR money, not combined cash. She should not be buying $225 purses with YOUR money. Hubby wouldn't even let me buy a candy bar with his money when we were dating. I learned very quickly that if I wanted to do fun things I'd have to earn it


MechaFox3D

Then why can't you just tell her you will not be able to afford her personal spending habits anymore? If she wants to buy any non-essential items then she is going to have to figure out a way to pay for them on her own. From now on you are only covering rent & utilities, not even her personal bills, just those two for now, and you can revisit after she gets a job.


MPBoomBoom22

I would definitely cut funding non essentials out. Honestly if she's on your cards or accounts I'd remove her today, buying $225 because she is bored when money is tight is extremely irresponsible. 2nd - she's being emotionally abusive if she withholds affection as a punishment. There's a huge difference in having a spat and needing space and withholding affection as a punishment. You're young, I am sure you'll be able to find an actual partner. I'd send this one back to her parents. NTA.


fuckmylighterisdead

Holy shit are you serious??? Over $200 on a random day?? I think my husband would faint. Neither of us would ever spend our money like that without consulting. Then again we don’t buy frivolous stupid shit like multiple expensive purses. She gives off ‘I want to pretend I live a spoiled life online for my friends’ vibes.


PrettyDisaster78

OHHHHHH HELL NAW! That is over the top. I normally don't recommend going scorched earth in a relationship, but buddy, THIS IS THE WAY. If the only way she's screwing you is financially, who else is she screwing?


dimitri121

"I bought this $225 purse." So she is not working and somehow has access to more than $20 to spend shopping online? Are you crazy? Did you actually not see anything immediately wrong with that?


Disastrous-Egg-3160

She doesn’t love you man. She loves herself. The reason they call it a “partner” in life is because you are supposed to work together, not just you.


lovablenun

"Fun, sweet, beautiful, and loving" don't pay the bills. NTA. And you're not aligned with her anymore. She wants to be kept and clearly doesn't care if you go out there and bust your butt to pay the bills. Her not trying to relieve a little off your plate speaks volume. Don't make the mistake and take this relationship to the next level.


EntertainmentKind252

And, I question how “loving” she is if she withholds affection to get her way.


lovablenun

Yes he needs to look at this as a life giving him a peak at the future. Her behavior and Love is conditional


muskiesfan1

NTA If I’m reading this right you are 100% responsible for the finances, the household chores, and you provide her with spending money. I’m also guessing that as an adult living in the apartment she is also on the lease. Your options are tough. If she won’t work or contribute in anyway, there’s no reason to continue the relationship. If she’s on the lease you can break up with her, ask her to leave, and try to get her removed from the lease. However, I’m also guessing it’s a 12 month lease so you may have to wait out the 8 months to remove her especially if she refuses to leave. If that is the case, you should start looking for your own place and see what you can do to get yourself removed from the lease. She’s completely using you and then manipulating you to get her way by withholding any affection when she doesn’t get her way. This is a bad spot all around for you. These are things that should have been discussed before living together, but it’s also completely unreasonable to expect to move in with someone and contribute nothing to the household.


musicnote95

Nta. Time for her to wake up and realize the real world is calling. Ether she needs a job or she needs to go.


Independent_Sir9565

NTA P.S. the “it’s a pandemic I can’t get a job” excuse is complete crap. I’ve never seen more places hiring. Hell I practically changed careers during the pandemic


[deleted]

I've tried telling her that, but, its no match for her " if I start working, I might get sick".


Biomax315

Tell her that she’s right, it’s too dangerous to work right now so you have decided to quit your job. Let’s see where that takes the conversation.


[deleted]

Haha


cathistorylesson

Is she not vaccinated?


[deleted]

She is, which only makes her logic that much more awful


cathistorylesson

Lmao okay then. Yeah she just doesn’t wanna work. She didn’t wanna work when she was with her parents before the pandemic, she’s not gonna just start working when cases go down to a certain level.


Independent_Sir9565

I’m very career oriented, same as my long term SO, I don’t know how you put up with it man but if you love her that much I guess sacrifice? I just could never be in a relationship that one sided. She’s either gotta move out or start paying you aren’t her dad


frightfully_disturb

NTA. Someone already said it, but the withdrawal of affection over a very reasonable request does sound abusive, and I hate to throw out that word lightly. The two options I see are you two sit down and have a VERY detailed discussion of exactly what you’re wanting the future to look like, and if they don’t match up, and compromise isn’t a thing, then it’s time to reevaluate if the relationship is worth having. If she refuses the conversation, and refuses to talk things out like an adult and work together on this, then reevaluate the relationship anyway. Ultimately she’ll just bring you down and I doubt that’s how you want to spend your life.


[deleted]

when she's not using the withdrawal of affection, she flips the switch completely, goes completely all-in on affection and hopes that we can focus on that instead of her working.


QueenofAshes25

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩


[deleted]

Yes, when its not " no hugs or kisses" its " lets just get in bed and do something besides argue"


QueenofAshes25

Years back I had withdrawn affection from my fiance when he had done something I dint want him to. He didnt stop doing that and told me he wont be always listening to me just coz he loves me. Looking back, I can now see how it was emotionally abusive on my part, sort of like my way or highway. If you can't communicate like adults now it will be much difficult down the road and will lead to resentment on both sides.


shannofordabiz

When abusive men aren’t hitting their partners they can be very nice. See what I did there? You have to look at her behaviour as a whole.


frightfully_disturb

That’s really worrying. Abusers switch pretty rapidly between behaviors. Whether it’s physical, emotional, or mental and then becoming very loving and kind. It’s how they keep their partners because they make it seem like the good outweighs the bad.


iheartfuzzies

So… lovebombing. Dude, run. This is unacceptable.


iamtheparent

NTA, with holding affection if a big red flag. Start thinking about your relationship. She just wants a hand out and uses it to her advantage


gelpenisbetter

NTA My immediate thought is you need to get rid of the lazy gf ASAP. But, in fairness, I don't know what else she contributes to your life. So I think she either needs to get a job immediately and don't whine about it, or you should stop giving her even a penny worth of support. If she wants to sleep outside and find her own food, then she can think about labor on her own terms.


Littleballoffur22

It’s disturbing that you’ve always found her laziness attractive. She’s using you and basically making you pay for sex. Is there a reason why you think any of this is ok? Hint: None of its okay or healthy. NTA


navyblue003

NTA. If she's physically able to work and help you with bills she should be doing that. OP you aren't a bad guy for wanting her to help pay the bills because she can't just mooch off you. She is the asshole here, and she sounds immature if she's this mad about having to get a job like an adult.


28Improved

This. No one wants to work. We're just all mature enough and care about our partner enough to *pull our own weight* and not dump our shortcomings on them


No_Still7871

NTA - kinda sounds like your dating a child. You are not her parent. Helping your partner during a hard time is one thing but completely supporting a lazy brat is another. You deserve better!


evelbug

ESH - it sucks that she's not paying her way, but this is something you need to establish before you move in together. I'd advise you break things off now before you slip one past the goalie and there is a kid in the mix.


MysteriousMention9

And whatever you do op do NOT rely on her for BC. Use condoms that you purchase and she can’t access. Wouldn’t put it past her to poke holes or stop taking her pill just to keep you locked down.


evelbug

Any time you put your daddy stick in her mommy hole, there's a chance a baby may come out. No protection is 100% even if used properly and not tampered with.


MysteriousMention9

True story.


SoleMurias

NTA! But you are dumb for moving in BEFORE she got a job. Now she can manipulate you into funding her laziness. Does she even do chores? Move out and make better choices.


BlueClouds42

NTA. It's reasonable to expect an adult living in a home to contribute to the success of that household.


alreadyovereacting

NTA; You're both in two different stages of life and growth. She isn't ready to grow up and you are. This might be the time to think over your relationship and think of if this is what you want and or need right now. Living isn't cheap and right now she expects you to foot the bill for the both of you.


Straight_DvlDoll

NTA - Love is not enough to maintain a relationship. If she is not willing to get in the boat with you...paddling towards the same goal, push her out. A couple will not thrive when there is such a major difference in mindsets, future goals, etc.


u2125mike2124

You're not an AH YOU ARE A SAP STOP PAYING FOR HER LIFE OF LEISURE NOW.


ForwardPlenty

NTA Sounds like you have different ideas of where your relationship is going. She would like to be the kept woman and you would like a partner. Those are kind of conflicting concepts. It's okay if she doesn't want to work, she can not work when she is back living with her parents. You two need counseling to see if you can get back on track, else wise, you probably aren't going to last too long.


Hellion_shark

You two shouldve talked that out before, but honestly, if sje think she can live without working she is mistaken. I think you should stop giving her money to buy shit that are exclusively for her. People need to learn to pull their own weight.


[deleted]

NTA. Here is the scary thought. If she is doing this now and you are not married; just think of what she would be doing if you were married. Time to rethink your life and relationship.


TheAutisticPoet

Definitely not the asshole. A relationship should be 50/50 everything including responsibility to do with contributing towards bills and rent


Bunbarian

NTA. You need a life partner and it doesn't sound like she's even willing to put in the effort to be a room/flatmate. You should sit down with her and express how her lack of commitment to this relationship has impacted you.


RavenBlueEyes84

NTA Dude seriously she is a mooch and doesnt give an eff about you if she can do all that! Kick her ass out and let her parents deal with that


SubstantialPolicy378

NTA. You are an adult doing adult things, she is not. She clearly has no plan to pursue a passion. A person who can’t be successful alone is a big red flag to partner up with. Run. Don’t look back.


TheABCD98

NTA. I would leave her if I were you. It seems like she has no aspirations besides relaxing and leisure. She is always going to depend on you and not contribute anything. People rarely change (especially in big ways). She is just mooching off you and expects you to fund her lifestyle. And she is basically blackmailing you into letting her continue her leisure lifestyle.


Northmannivir

NTA - 🚩🚩🚩🚩 She might be sweet and funny and loving but you're not her servant. She's an adult and if she can't figure out how to provide for herself in her youth, it won't get any easier and her options for employment will diminish with age. She needs to grow up and stop being so spoiled and entitled. This problem won't get better with age if you don't nip it in the bud now.


RoyallyOakie

NTA..for asking, but what did you expect? What on earth gave you any indication that she wouldn't just continue on the same path?


laschminkie

Sounds like she needs some tough love, she’ll never grow as a person if she jumps from caretaker to caretaker and doesn’t learn how to be an adult.


Trin_42

NTA, she’s comfortable sitting on her ass and letting you be the one to provide for her. Literally everywhere is hiring, so her using the pandemic as an excuse is pathetic. Wake up dude, you’re being used


hi_imjoey

Soft NTA? Definitely NTA, but there are some things you should’ve found out before moving in together; mayhaps you’ve been a bit hasty. Why wasn’t money tight before moving in together, on other words why did it take so long for this to come out? Were you living somewhere the rent was cheaper? I assume you haven’t just now started buying her things after moving in. Where did that money come from? You should’ve talked about money before taking such a large step, especially if you knew she didn’t work. If you’re okay with her not working, then it’s okay if you work to support her. I know this isn’t r/relationship_advice, so you can just take your NTA and move on, but here’s what I think you should do: You need to have a serious talk about your finances. Because either she needs a job, you guys need to stop spending on what you don’t need, or you should end the relationship. There aren’t any other options. I personally think it makes the most sense for her to start working, but it’s your relationship and only you two have the whole picture, so it’s up to you. I know it’s a hard/uncomfortable conversation to have, but whatever you do, don’t offer a once-and-done ultimatum. Talk about either her working or spending less several times so you can have the conversation in multiple different moods and know how you both really feel about it. Most likely you’ll come to a healthy compromise (which is anything you both like, whatever that looks like), but if not you need to end the relationship. NTA


Likely-Lemon

NTA, although you messed up making the decision to live together knowing that she doesn't want to work. It's not financially feasible and you will (or already do) resent her for not pulling her weight. It's also not great she's not open to communicating and withholds affection as a punishment. You say she's sweet and loving, but if that's a pattern, that's something to take note of. If it's not normal, maybe she's especially defensive because there's shame or fear there. If I'm off the mark, I guess you have to ask yourself if you're okay with the fact your partner has no desire to work.


katamino

NTA She isn't a team "us" partner. No.matter how sweet and kind and loving she is I don't think the two of you are compatible. I would seriously think about your relationship and what you want in life. Even if she gets a job now I bet she quits or gets fired the minute you stop being concerned about finances You can't count on her and when choosing a life partner you need to be able to count on them when times are bad. Now, if you are looking for a traditional man earns money, woman takes care of the house and kids relationship then she may be the one for you, IF she is at least taking care of the household now. If not, time to move on.


leigh1419

The biggest mistake you made was moving in before insisting on employment. You’re likely in a lease which means your credit is at a HUGE risk if rent doesn’t get paid. If she refuses to work, then you need to break up. Finances will still be a bit tight, but not as much as when you’re wholly supporting someone who isn’t contributing.


redrobot888

NTA but sounds like you two are incompatible. It might be time to enlist the help of a therapist because seems like you fight too much every time you bring it up. Also, sleeping until noon doesn’t seem normal for an adult and she may be struggling from mental health issues.


RecommendsMalazan

Pfft, sounds like she'd be incompatible with anyone other than a sugar daddy who is willing to completely fund her lazing around doing nothing lifestyle.


Penguins-for-life

NTA She really doesn’t have an excuse. I study and as of recently work too. All she does is nothing, If she’s concerned about covid nothings stopping her wearing a mask and following proper safety precautions whilst working. In fact many jobs encourage it


Biomax315

If she’s worried about Covid, then 1, why is she OK with her boyfriend going out into the world and working every day ... and 2, seemingly unconcerned that he will bring something back to her. It’s a BS excuse from start to finish.


SandrineSmiles

NTA and give her an ultimatum. If she doesn't comply, she needs to leave. I mean, she's using you and she's being a mooch. Why should she reap the benefits of your hard work while you have to watch what you spend closely because of her?


TCTX73

NTA, it's time for her to be a grown up and get a job. LOTS of people have worked through the pandemic. It's called having bills to pay. Honestly, if she's behaving this way, just send her back to live with her parents.


beckieletitia

NTA - Tell her to get a job or get out. That's ridiculous.


HmnCllTr

NTA , don’t get married though. It’s worse , you will do the more chores and take care after the kid after work


oregondude79

NTA Run away


laschminkie

NTA - that’s not your girlfriend that’s a child


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eyksm

NTA - You're putting all the effort in while she does nothing. That just isn't right. She's an adult and should start acting like one. You're her partner, not her parent.


ScannerT

Info: Did you call it move in with me, or move out together? Either way, spending money is on her. Not her parent, her partner. Either way NTA, make sure it's not just aboot sex and you two actually like each other.


GrindingGearNerfs

Quite young to find out what it feels like to be an ATM


Bozobozo111

NTA so what you have here isn’t so much of a girlfriend as a leech. She is wonderful until your wallet runs dry.


hydragamma

NTA, but she isn’t going to get a job, and you’ll have to figure out if that’s okay with you for the long term. Because it is likely that she won’t change.


East_Rush

NTA….she has shown you for the past 4 years she’s not going to change. It’s ok to outgrow people, it’s on you to let go.


ann_withno_e

From your comments I see that not only does she not contribute financially, but she also doesn't help around with chores and so on. It was your choice to move in with her and tell her you'd take care of things, but it's ok to change that. She can either get a job, spend less, or go back to her parents, your are not obligated to support her, specially when she doesn't give anything in return. Also, withholding affection and using it as a tool to manipulate you, on top of being a lazy ass, makes me wonder if she really is as loving as you want to think she is. NTA, and please don't be her doormat anymore, you deserve a partner that supports you and works with you.


cfmarie

NTA She could be depressed though (Or lazy and figures you'd but everything) If I were you I'd withhold buying her anything. If she needs something she should buy it herself. The only way she will get out and get a job is if she thinks of the idea herself. So everytime she goes to buy something yell her money is tight and you can't get her that. I'd even go far as to withold getting her feminine hygiene products just to force her. But I will tell you this it all seems a red flag. Is this your future her laying about at home while you work and she spends your money. What will happen if you both have kids. Would she tell you I can't I've just had a child (4 years later). Her parents probably never pushed her. The other option is telling her to move out as she doesn't contribute to the bills she can't live with you. It sounds to me you don't want to end things with her but you have to think of long term. You're still young. And having to tell an adult that she needs to get a job isn't your responsibility. Some people need that shove and her losing you or not being able to live with you could do that. Next time you tell her that you're getting a place of your own for you to live in by yourself. You should have never allowed her to move in with you until she had a job.


FlavMink

NTA. From, I'm pretty sure, any normal persons perspective. She is lazy and wants to be spoon fed her entire life. If things like money, which I hate to say is important in a relationship but its true, is tight and she's doing nothing you have to realize maybe it's time you sat down and talked to her. She needs to be told why you need the money in the calmest way possible and if she still just throws out lame excuses and doesn't want to help, then maybe it's time you think about ending it. Cause if she can't help out the person she loves and make it easier on both of you. It sounds like she's been in the relationship for dependency. She just knows you'll keep her around like the last few years and she can do whatever she wants cause you'll take care of her. Time to focus on yourself my man.


kcoinga

Your NTA her family has enabled her her whole life. If you're expecting her to contribute to the household expenses without any education it'll be very hard. If you marry her, there will be more and more excuses why work for minimum wage. Because you don't have any skills that would command more money. Then it will be the children or any one of a myriad of excuses. This probably won't be what you want to hear but if you don't want a lifelong liability, you should tell her to go back to her enabling parents and mooch off of them. My mother was just like her and became a drunk. I suspect inner feelings of self doubt but you can fix this for her. She has to want to fix it and it's pretty clear from her past behavior she doesn't want to fix it. Don't want to be mean but your life can be so much easier with an educated partner who can contribute to the financial success of the household and not bear 100% of the responsibility yourself. Cut bait while you don't have any anchors. You will have a much better life with someone who is at least your equal. 59F.


ceroij

NTA - I would dump her. Will she even survive as a SAHM?


exssister

NTA, listen man, I get it. You probably legitimately thought you could take care of house and all the bills but have come to the realization that you can't. Mistakes happen. We all make them. Don't knock yourself down for that. You told her this, and she doesn't seem to care. Is this the type of woman you can see yourself spending your life with?


winree

NTA and if her name isn’t on the lease tell her she has 30 days to get a job and contribute or she needs to move back in with her parents.


iheartfuzzies

Nta. She is manipulating you so she can avoid being an adult. Allowing her to be lazy is enabling and will only hinder her in the future. It’s time for a serious conversation about her figuring her life out.


bahumat42

NTA - but this should be a massive relationship red flag.


iwantasecretgarden

NTA. Her withdrawing affection shows she's very immature; that's a terrible way to communicate. She needs to get a job, even working from home. If not, she can move back with her parents, considering she's not paying rent.


Particular-Jeweler41

NTA. But you really should have thought this through before moving in with her. If you knew that she didn't work you should have only gotten a place that you could afford without her working. Liking someone doesn't pay the bills.


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SaratheKahleesi

NTA She should work when she is able to do so


SnooGiraffes3591

NTA for expecting her to contribute but DUDE. She was unemployed when you agreed to live with her. What was the thought process here?


dynamyk100

NTA but you brought it on yourself. This is something you shouldve thought of before moving in together.