T O P

AITA Kids Stepmom Wants to See Them

AITA Kids Stepmom Wants to See Them

Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Looking back it kinda feels like I'm punching down at hwr while she's already probably at the lowest she's ever been. I mean her entire life more or less is getting uprooted by something that is universally horrible. So while I don't particularly like her, being so blunt and matter of fact with her probably wasn't the best move . Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


theDagman

NTA Dina, meet Karma. Karma, Dina. You two should be well acquainted.


LongBeachChick562

Sorry, one member of this meeting was late. Everyone, meet Shocked Pikachu Face.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


scrotalsackrace29

> NTA, but I can understand why you had to wrestle with this one OP. Why?


candybrie

It's sometimes hard not to feel bad for people who are hurting, especially in a way you deeply understand, even if they deserve it. It's just how decent humans are wired.


scrotalsackrace29

The decent thing to do would be to not consciously choose to be an active participant in destroying someone else's relationship. While I'd agree that schadenfreude only goes so far, I wouldn't blame OP for being completely unsympathetic to her ex-husband's former affair partner.


candybrie

My point is it's understandable that a good person might feel bad for her. Not that it's a requirement to be a good person. You seemed confused as to why anyone would feel bad for her because she obviously doesn't deserve it.


Delicious-Vehicle-28

I didn't see any mention of OP getting an apology from Dina. Perhaps I'm not a "good"person, but I feel very little pity for someone who actively chose to be involved in an affair with a married man, got dumped when her number was up, then failed to offer the original spouse an apology. In fact...she not only failed to apologize, but also wanted OP to go out of her way to help her maintain contact with OP's children. Nope. No sympathy for Dina from me!


candybrie

I'm not saying you have to be sympathetic to her to be a good person. Just that it is understandable to worry about being "mean/cold" to someone who is hurting in a way you intimately understand. Like I'm totally on the side of saying she deserves no sympathy. But someone asked why OP was giving her any. And it's because OP is a good person. Nothing at all to do with Dina or what she deserves.


scrotalsackrace29

I think you're thinking of empaths in particular. The only reason she's upset and crying is because she's tasted her own medicine. That's one of those "sucks to suck" moments, not proof that she's deserving of sympathy because she got burnt too, after all.


Soregular

This reminds me of how decent Dina was to her when she became the mistress to a married man. She had a choice to NOT do this, but she did anyway. I find it hard to feel sorry for her now that she gets to have that experience full in the face. Also, I hope that OP doesn't have to try to share those children with yet a "new" mom. At least those kids are almost old enough to say NO to forced family, etc.


butwhoisjasmine

[Dina, you did it to yourself ](https://www.google.com/search?q=self+sabotage+meme+bike&rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS869US869&hl=en-US&prmd=isvxn&sxsrf=AOaemvLfzZfdzJuFkSFchnkE1o4NpvuL8g:1634679081828&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwifnvmPttfzAhWgk2oFHdJVCcQQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=428&bih=743&dpr=3#imgrc=yIizMzhPZOsmHM)


NoizeTrauma

The chorus to the song "Just" by Radiohead is one that pops in my head constantly when I witness behavior like this. I don't know if it's the times, or just wisdom that comes with age, but I watch so many people complain about their life, and all I can think is: You do it to yourself, you do And that's what really hurts Is you do it to yourself, just you You and no one else You do it to yourself You do it to yourself


mon5634

that's actually a pretty good fit good job 👍


pegmatitic

I sing this in an over-the-top, dramatic voice whenever I (or my boyfriend) do something that immediately bites me (or him) in the ass. It’s just too perfect.


b33r_engineer

It sounds like she learned the lesson, maybe: >when a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening.


16Bunny

I laughed so hard at that 😂😂


ShibeDogeBork

I was thinking the Star Trek cartoon Kirk face, both send the same message.


Zykium

"You lose them how you got them"


Ambystomatigrinum

My ex and I started dating when he was "totally about to break up with" his then-girlfriend... who he started dating while he was "about to file for divorce" from his ex-wife. The girl he cheated on me with was told we were not getting along and were in the process of breaking up (we were not). He cheated on her and got another woman pregnant, who is now in the process of filing for sole custody because SHOCKER he cheated on her while she was in the hospital prepping for a c-section. They don't change. Often, they don't even get smarter about it.


starzzfall

Did we date the same man? I met my ex (I was 18, he was 20) when he was in The process of breaking up with his gf. We dated for 2 years. I dumped him because he cheated on me with a 16 year old. After like 6 months, he convinced me to get back together (in the end I found out he wanted to be the dumper as he'd never been dumped before) and cheated on me over Christmas with J. J alleged did not know he had a gf and messaged me to apologize when she found out. She found out about me at the same time she found out he was cheating on her with N. J reached out to N, but she didn't care. Then he cheated on N with B. He went on vacation with B and her family and met M. Cheated on B with M but accidentally got M pregnant and married her shortly after their 1st baby was born. I imagine his cheating is much more low-key now. Me, j, n and b had a group chat for a few years.


Boo_Zoo

Oooh… there’s a movie about you guys


NathalieHJane

First Wives Club except they're all divorced from the same guy ...


CatsGambit

The Other Woman has basically this plot. Its a halfway decent chickflick from.. 2015 ish?


ImNotBothered80

Oops, I replied before I saw yours. Great minds think alike.😉


ImNotBothered80

I was thinking The Other Woman


starzzfall

I would like those royalties.


bunz007

😂😂well deserved


Nakedstar

*Groomed or raped a minor in most states...


starzzfall

Yes, but it was 2005 and we weren't ready for those conversations then.


Delicious-Vehicle-28

They are always "in the process" of some sort of breakup that the current gf or wife has no clue about!


1GoodWoman

He will go through the entire alphabet. Campbells Soup we need you, Redditt calling. Whole alphabet soup recipe please, heavy on the y for y are so many men like this and y do women fall for it? My hairdresser had similar experience and eventually when the divorcing started all his co-workers told her "We knew he would do it to you too." Why to the men let other men do this? I hole the men who know this kind of behavior is happening and do not step in as the most serious part of the problem. The sit comfortable and quiet while women and families are destroyed or seriously damaged. This is not ok.


madnessfromthesea

Your experience is why I think OP is putting most of the blame on Dina instead of on her Ex like she should. Sure, Dina was somewhat to blame, but we don't know what stories the ex wove for her about his and OP's relationship.


Drive-by-poster

The only ‘story’ that would matter is him saying he was single. If she knew he was married, no matter the reason, she is equally responsible.


phillyshelby2

If she knows, then she’s at least partially responsible. But not equally, in my book. The side chick was not the one to commit to a relationship with the real significant other. The cheater is the one who broke promises and cheated.


lordmwahaha

I disagree with "equally". It's a shitty thing to do - but at the end of the day, she is not the one who made an active commitment to OP. In my books, the one who made and then broke the promise is worse than some stranger who did not know or give a shit about OP.


CJSinTX

Yes, he’s to blame, but she knew he was a married man. She was fine with him cheating on his wife, divorcing his wife, and marrying her. So, yes, she does have some blame here. And now she gets to drink that sweet, sweet karma. I’ll say it again, if he cheats with you he will cheat on you.


scrotalsackrace29

You should see how this shit plays out when it comes to the pro-adultery community on reddit, lol. There are plenty of posts on that dumpster fire of a sub going on about how upset they are that their AP is "cheating" on them with other people, lol.


TopAd9634

There are pro adultery subreddits? Wtf..


Spiritual-Check5579

I don't think she's putting the blame on Dina. Both were responsible for the cheating. OP just doesn't feel sympathy for the mistress' pain and will not force her kids to visit their former stepmother as if she was a mother figure they love. I don't think this is blaming her more than the ex.


Excellent-Jello7894

I don't think she's putting the blame on Dina, but Dina isn't their mother and very soon won't be their step mother either. She has no claim to OP's kids anymore and the kids don't seem fond of her either. I think OP is just being realistic while Dina is in denial.


Mommagrumps

Totally agree, there should now be a clean break from Dina, I think she's manipulative in her own way, who tries to cry on the previous wife's shoulder! (without the courtesy of an apology to boot)? And has anyone considered why she wants to see OPs kids? The same kids she badmouthed to about OP? After that trick it's certainly not love,maybe it's to show ex how wonderful she is that even the stepkids love her and he should return as he will never find better than her! Bye bye Dina, don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! :)


UXM6901

There's no apology because she's not sorry. She literally doesn't see any parallel between what she did to OP and what is happening to her now. This shitty husband and his kids belong to Dina, and always have, even when he was married to OP, and she may never see it any other way. NTA


posyomerenguesno

Exactly how the hell is she so hypocritical speaking ill of the mother of those children, being she the lover with whom her father was unfaithful, I really want to find out if there is some madman who thinks that it should make her feel good or something would be disgusting


Flaky_Tip

If I was OP I would be annoyed with her about sleeping with my husband, but I would hate her for how she treated my children.


GlitterDoomsday

Whatever the history is doesn't change the fact that this woman spend years badmouthing OP to the kids just to cry now that karma strikes back. The father will have his share when he get old and nobody is willing to be there for them.


abbles1er

I don’t think OP is placing more of the blame on Dina than her ex. She seems to be acknowledging both of their roles in what happened, as well as her ex’s tendency to cheat and the grievances her kids have toward Dina. She doesn’t care about Dina’s feelings, and she shouldn’t have to. I’m less concerned about Dina’s feelings and more concerned about what the kids want anyway. She chose to date a married man, and regardless of the surrounding circumstances, the kids are in no way obligated to see her if they don’t want to.


LadyGreyIcedTea

Also she's divorcing their father. She won't be their step-mother anymore. They're teenagers and seem uninterested in continuing a relationship with her. OP is right, it's the father's job to make sure that his kids from his first marriage maintain a relationship with their half-siblings. Dina's kids have nothing to do with OP and Dina is reaping what she sowed. NTA.


posyomerenguesno

There is a friend, do you think he says he did not know that he was married, almost always they know it and if he divorced and married him, it is that dina knew it, believe me my mother went through that, in fact it is more rare that they do not know it, and if he has something of fault and if you think to blame op for not being a saint from here I send you a go to .....


fucktheroses

A friend of mines brother cheated on his girlfriend with a woman he worked with. They got married, she got pregnant. He cheated on her while she was pregnant with another girl they worked with. Got a divorce, married co-worker #2, got her pregnant. Cheated on her with a THIRD co-worker. It boggles my mind


LongBeachChick562

At this point, he work alone


Waterfire741

He should work from home, its hard to cheat on your hand


ozagnaria

Did all this happen at the same job?


LadyGreyIcedTea

My father's half-brother married his mistress. They were married for 20ish years and then guess what? He left her for another woman.


vallka

I'm sorry, what..??? also, same company???


KinkyKitty24

Yep and no matter how scummy the guy is there will always be other stupid women around telling people like the OP that they should be kinder, nicer, more sympathetic because they know hw she feels- fuck that.


danigirl3694

Yea I really don't understand how some women can spout off nonsense like that, seriously like "I know she helped rip your family apart, badmouth you to your kids, tried to take your place as their mum and never even apologised for it, but you should be the bigger person and be sympathetic because she's now going through what you she helped put you through and understands what it's like". Umm... No, if she wants sympathy then she can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis, not from the woman whose family she helped tear apart and tried to erase from her stepkids lives.


flex_capacity

!!!! between shit and syphillis - my new favourite :D


octopush123

>shit and syphilis *chef's kiss*


Charliekat1130

I honestly believe it's an older (Depending on how old the mom is) generation thing. My husband's Grandmother was telling me a story about how her ex-husband (my husband's grandfather) kidnapped all three of the kids (Husband's mom, and two uncles). The grandma and the sister couldn't have the police get them because of state lines, so they went to the location they knew they were at and got the kids back. Literally after this; They all made up and co-parented the kids. It was water under the bridge because 'We're family and you don't hold things against people.'!


scrotalsackrace29

>They don't change. Often, they don't even get smarter about it. just whinier and more self-righteous. The adultery sub is a good case in point.


coldbeeronsunday

Sounds like my ex. According to him we were “broken up” or “on a break” a lot so that he could freely see other people, except he was always the only one who knew about the break up.


Classic_Apple_8140

YUP! That which you stole can be stolen.


Gardening-Baker

This reminds of a story from when my parents were newly married 😂 a friend of my parents friend was hitting on my dad and she then pulled mom aside and said she wasn’t trying to steal him. Moms response was “if you can take him he wasn’t worth having in the first place.”


IthurielSpear

I’ve said that to a couple of women lol.


SamiHami24

And the other truism: if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.


First_Bumblebee_179

Perfect reply!


white_rose_rachel

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy. (NTA.)


kifflington

Oh, I like that line. It has a timeless elegance to it and therefore I shall henceforth be nicking it.


Inafray19

I said this to OW. She called me dumb that what they have is "real" and would never stop. She's the third one in the line.


arandalvxcfsfdaq

NTA Twist that knife. She got what's coming to her. What does she want - sympathy? From you? Ha, no.


kissiemoose

The fact that you even talk to Dina is to your credit OP. You are a big enough person as it is- but having to comfort her is too much to ask - almost masochistic.


Fat_Lenny

Dina took OP's kids away from her one week every month. Get bent, Dina. NTA.


Dashcamkitty

I know, the OP’s kids don’t even like Dina anyway


hdmx539

I mean, who would want to like anyone who tried to replace your own mother and spoke crap about her?


Spottedpool14

After she played part in breaking up the family to boot


SleepyKoalaBear4812

She can find all the sympathy she wants in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.


dkrishnavxfxda

NTA. This woman torpedoed your family and expects you to hold her hand through it? I mean, your ex is a huge AH for obvious reasons but this woman needs a reality check


CaliLemonEater

This feels related to the saying that the one person who is not allowed to ask for your emotional support getting through a breakup is your ex. NTA entirely, OP.


dmillervxfxdaq

NTA. This woman talked badly about you to your own kids, now expects you to facilitate their relationship with her?? She can kick rocks


elvtd1

Right… I would say Dina imagine this, 10 years from now this AH cheating husband breaks up with his newest fling after they have 2 kids together , are you letting your children visit her? Well that’s basically what you’re asking me to do! I just think it’s crazy that she still can’t see things from your point of view! I was expecting you to say she at least apologized and realized that you were basically in the same position as she is now, but it doesn’t sound like she did. I understand her wanting her kids to have a relationship with their half siblings but that has nothing to do with you, it’s on their father to facilitate that relationship!


lisalef

I don’t think anything else needs to be said. Brilliant.


OTFYogiGirl

Hey Dina.... if he can do it with you, he can do it to you.


Positive_Mango_2783

The ex husband is literally if “karma is bitch” was a person lmao. What a sleezeball. How ya get em is how ya lose em Dina! Welcome to the ex wife club. Population 2. NTA she doesn’t need to see your kids. OP your mom is a bit of a hater. Whether you’re bitter or not has nothing to do with this. But I would be bitter. Who the hell wouldn’t be.


DistractedAttorney

She fucked around and found out. NTA


Ava-Jonesy

NTA. It is not your responsibility to deal with their custody issues.


SnooLentils8625

Yeah, it's exactly this. I had a girlfriend who cheated on me with a guy. Surprise, surprise: he cheated on her with another girl. I can't summon summon sympathy for people like that.


CJSinTX

If they cheat with you they will cheat on you.


HerRoyalRedness

I learned that by watching Ricki Lake in the 90s! Oh and NTA OP. Bad mouthing you to your kids is unforgivable.


Fairykinn

Ah Ricki Lake, so many sick days spent watching that show. And legit, I learned so many life lessons from her show. I vote we bring Ricki Lake back to TV!


Steamedfrog

NTA a thousand times this! If your kids wanted to see her, they're old enough to call her


grianmharduit

NTA - your mom is TA. This woman destroyed your family and obliviously- hypocritically -expects your what? Sympathy? You didnt laugh in her face and say ‘karma is a bitch’ so she has that- what more does she deserve? Nothing. You no longer have to deal with her. Ever. Congrats on that.


RumSoakedChap

Yeah but OPs ex is also TA


scrotalsackrace29

they both suck.


Northstarmain8485

The mom sucks as well, like it’s a whole sucky party


Suitable_Ad_8724

except for OP and the kids


Simple-Load4182

Just a quick note - OPs ex-husband destroyed their family. Not saying Dina is innocent, but she couldn't have destroyed it on her own. In any case, she does not deserve sympathy and her request is ridiculous. NTA in the slightest.


grianmharduit

Dina was the other woman- third party. No sympathy there when it happened to her.


kissiemoose

Yes, Dina had the choice to do the right thing and tell OP’s ex at the time that she would not get in a relationship until he ended things with OP. Yes the marriage would have ended - but at least all involved could walk away as still decent human beings (OP excluded).


iConfessor

or maybe .. i don't know. don't be involved with married people.


grianmharduit

^^THIS^^


grianmharduit

But she didn’t- she helped break up a family. And now it’s happened to hers. Poor kids. Having a reckless father.


mykidisonhere

Even the driver of the getaway car gets charged with a crime.


Away-Cicada

Dina was also talking smack about OP directly to OP's kids. Not exactly the example of a winning personality there.


Reasonable_racoon

> You didnt laugh in her face and say ‘karma is a bitch’ But OP should definitely do that at one point when the dust has settled.


grianmharduit

Nah -OP has got class and moved on. -> I said it for her :)


type1error

Dina is stunningly self-centered. If your kids don’t want to see Her, then you should not force them to. NTA.


JuliaX1984

Why is Dina so invested in her ex's kids anyway? She has her own kids, so not due to infertility. They don't like her, so not due to enjoying spending time with them. She'll no longer be the step mom, so no living situation that needs to be made as easy and harmonious as possible. Why does she want time with them so badly? Redirection of her desire for their dad? Some perfect happy blended family fantasy? Validation that she's the superior woman of the three? Or just the only victory she could still maintain over OP? Either way, it's hilarious she expects the betrayed wife to sympathize. NTA Anyone who would expect any reaction other than "I don't care" is living in a sad delusion.


trilliumsummer

Likely because it made her feel better. She didn't break up a happy family - she gave the kids a second mom! Now being faced with someone doing to her what she did, she's likely clinging to her narrative on how she was "different".


PristineEarth6067

Honestly, that's probably it. Cheaters and their accomplices generally have some shred of morality about, but it mostly amounts to a self-serving layer of guilt they try to buy off through normalization and forced acceptance. They'll dote on the children young enough to be manipulated and try to pressure the older kids into accepting their new mom or whatever. Punishments and tantrums usually follow when you start "constructively" describing how disgusting you find their behaviour, because ultimately you're smashing their personal illusions. In Dina's mind she met a guy who "happened to be married" and it was "his choice to cheat" she just provided the output. She didn't hurt that family, it was probably better off being broken up anyways. She's totally not a homewrecker, she's a "Bonus mom."


Summoning-Freaks

We can probably add on a layer of self righteousness because her connecting with the married man was so strong they got married and had kids, so it basically validates what they put OP through. She was definitely wanting to continue that validation through OPs kids, trying to prove she was much more than “dads pushy wife” in the family dynamics.


scrotalsackrace29

You've hit the nail right on the head with this. If you have the stomach to lurk the pro-adultery subs on this site, you see this mentality all the time.


GoodMorningMorticia

There are PRO ADULTERY SUBS?! JFC just don’t get married, people!


scrotalsackrace29

Exactly. It's not THAT hard to not commit if you aren't sure you want to.


panda07

Knew an acquaintance like this, third paragraph is very accurate. I feel like it's a defense mechanism kind of thing because she knows she's able to and should bow out from the relationship but didn't, and it's wrong. So she constructs this kind of narrative in her head.


freakyjaz

I think Dina wants babysitting tbh.


macd0g

I would actually guess so that she still has ties to her ex, probably in hopes of “winning him back. Smh.


Legal-Reference5028

Also i'd guess control is an issue here. If she can stay close to all his kids she can influence opinions about her ex, his new woman and herself. To some people kids are a tool to be used. Also how much is this man paying in child support? He needs a vasectomy. ( NTA btw )


Now_with_real_ginger

My guess is that Dina is going to miss the “free babysitting” that she somehow thinks OP’s teenagers are obligated to provide.


mykidisonhere

And/or Dina doesn't trust her son to be ex to "watch" their own kids. Or maybe she wants spys to tell her what's going on with the New woman.


TheSleepingVoid

>Some perfect happy blended family fantasy? This one! She is probably convinced that she was a "good mom" for her stepkids and any time they seemed to resist spending time with her/ fight with her about how she isn't their mom is just "normal" kids-acting-out. She has emotionally invested in the idea that they are equally part of her family to her bio-kids and isn't willing to let that go just because her relationship with the dad has gone wrong. Honestly I kind of get it. The only difference is that reading this sub has made me hyper aware that stepparents need to let the stepkids control the narrative and closeness of their relationship, which she clearly isn't doing. But I imagine it is very painful to effectively lose children that you considered "yours" and emotionally invested yourself into parenting them. Like- imagine the same scenario that OP posted but the kids actually do love the stepmom. It would be pretty sad for both her and the kids. That's the fantasy she believes in, and she probably really does love them on some level. That said, she is still definitely TA because she needs to acknowledge how the kids actually see their relationship instead of trying to force herself into a motherly role... and she also needs to be WAY more self-aware of how she was complicit in causing their actual mom a lot of pain. OP owes her nothing.


Combustibutt

> Why is Dina so invested in her ex's kids anyway? Not that I have much sympathy for anyone who knowingly gets involved with a married man, but she DID help raise these kids from knee-high to teenagers. It’s entirely possible that she actually does care about them after 8 years and will miss them. Doesn’t mean OP owes her doodly-squat though.


bradd_pit

> Why is Dina so invested in her ex's kids anyway? Because her world is falling apart and those kids are something easy she can cling to. Several of my ex wife's subsequent ex's made the same plea about my daughter. Hell, even my sister's ex fiance did the same. And guess what? After the dust settled none of them followed through. It has nothing to do with the kids


gladosado

I really have no idea. My own ex step dad made it clear he never cared for me or my brother the entire time he was with my mom, we had an awful relationship but long story short when my mom finally left him one of the things he said to her was 'they're never going to speak me again!' Like he was upset by that??? He didn't even like us or ever want us around!? It blows my mind and I'll never understand it.


AllSoulsNight

She's invested in the older kids because she wants them to entertain the younger ones. Free babysitting. She also wants OP to do all the delivering and retrieving so she doesn't have to do anything. She's lazy on top of everything else.


FlahBlast

Because if the kids accept a new stepmom with no issues and exit her life, she’ll have to face that she wasn’t special and just a disposable fool to him. If she ended up doing most of the childcare for ex’s kids when they visit and they want nothing to do with her, that’d just hammer home that she was just being used. All that time and energy making lunches, babysitting for cheating exes kids only to be left high and dry. Must be humiliating. The stepkids at this stage are the only way she can tell herself she was special and not just a home wrecker whom was used and cast aside. After all, if the kids miss her, she was a part of the family and different from this new woman. This is all about deluding herself she was something more than what she was


el_clintoro

NTA. If your kids don't want the relationship with her then thats all that matters.


scatteringbones

exactly. it would be a different story if the kids were asking to see their step-mom/step-siblings, but they don’t even like her. NTA EDIT: they're half-siblings not step-siblings, sorry


Reasonable_Tax2446

This- To me, it’s all about what the kids want.


p3ttyb3ttie

How you get them is how you lose them. Lol it’s always so nice to see karma catch up with someone in real life. Her kids from her relationship with your ex have diddly squat to do with you. It’s up to your ex to facilitate a relationship between all his children. And if your kids don’t want to see her, they are old enough to decide that. She isn’t going to be their stepmom for much longer, so sucks to say but she better get used to it. When she willingly became his mistress, and then married him, she created a a job opening for the next mistress. ETA: NTA


KatzAKat

NTA. Definitely. It would be up to the kids' father, all 5 of them, to arrange and facilitate getting them all together on his time and dime. I get the feeling that Dina is irritated at losing built in babysitters and/or chore doers around her house.


Gimme_inspiration

>I get the feeling that Dina is irritated at losing built in babysitters and/or chore doers around her house. Great point. I think OP should mainly just listen to what their kids want and Dina is also an asshole for disregarding what the children want. The world does not revolve around her.


pdxflwerpwer

NTA. Dina may be hurting, but your mother is dismissing all of the emotional work you had to do to move forward after being treated cruelly by his ex and his mistress. Dina's problems are on Dina to solve. For her to come crying to you for commiseration is pretty rich, and your kids come first. They don't want to see her, they aren't interested in their siblings... you don't get to treat people like dirt and then expect them to want to help you or feel sorry for you.


YourMomThinksImFunny

Exactly. Also, OP's mom calling her selfish has me irate. What did mom think of Dinas actions when she was sleeping with a married man?


JuliaX1984

Probably blamed OP for not keeping him happy.


Pretty_Princess90210

Had a convo about this type of thinking last night with my mom. A lot of elderly women were cheated on in the early part of their marriage and demanded by family members and friends to stick with the husband. They were even expected to care for the children that came out of the affair. Now, you have people like OP’s mom that call you selfish for not having an ounce of sympathy in you when the mistress loses the husband the same way. Or pull out suggestions on what YOU can do to prevent the husband from cheating again.


jam_and_juice

I feel like OP's mom might have been projecting some of her own mistakes towards OP. OP had all the right not to take any (more) of Dina's baggage.


SodaButteWolf

I little bit of selfishness is healthy. I don't know why people recoil from being called selfish when considering one's own needs and, more to the point, not being a doormat for someone else, is perfectly reasonable and appropriate. Every now and then it's just fine to embrace a bit of selfishness. NTA.


Sweet_Persimmon_492

NTA. It’s always hilarious when side pieces find out that they aren’t special and that their partner isn’t going to become faithful just for them.


Pretty_Princess90210

The Girl on the Train (2016) does a good job in exemplifying that, even though it’s a sad plot.


scrotalsackrace29

There's a sub for side pieces to bitch and moan about that very thing, incidentally.


ADB_BWG

NTA. Your only “job,” if that, is to facilitate your children’s relationship with their father. If - AND ONLY IF - your kids want to see their half-siblings, you can inform their father. If he does nothing, then - AND ONLY THEN - you could reach out to Dina.


idreaminwords

NTA so long as your kids don't want to do it. If at some point if they change their mind and want to have a relationship with their step siblings, you should consider helping them do so


kissiemoose

They will see their step siblings when they are with Dad - not OPs problem


Important-Season-778

Not a super relevant correction, but I believe they are half not step siblings. I agree though, as long as OP isn't stopping a relationship the children want NTA.


idreaminwords

You're right, my mistake. Point stands


Groundbreaking_Mess3

NTA. The golden rule of dating cheaters is "If they cheated with you, they will cheat on you." Sounds like Dina learned that the hard way. It sounds like Dina has been pushing your boundaries since the beginning - first by cheating with your husband, then by trying to make your kids call her "mom", and now by continuing to expect you to engage with her, despite the fact that you no longer have any reason to. She is reaping what she has sowed. You are absolutely right to suggest that any custody negotiations she wants to make about her kids' visits with their dad needs to be coordinated between the two of them. Getting involved in any way with someone else's custody arrangements seems like a terrible idea. Good riddance.


NonaDiAngelo

NTA. People act like it's not okay to react selfishly when you've been wronged. News flash - it's human nature to experience those kinds of emotions, and there's nothing wrong with standing your ground. You weren't maliciously attacking her as a person, you were choosing not to involve yourself with the woman who broke up your marriage. Karma is absolutely a thing and the absolute audacity she has to come crying to you afterwards because 'now she knows how you feel'.


Strazdiscordia

NTA, you owe nothing to her or the man whos hell bent on creating as many broken families as he can. Once a cheater marries his mistress a vacancy opens, dina has learned a lesson and that should be good enough. You dont owe her support or access to you.


Stabbmaster

NTA She knows the pain, she's done nothing to atone for it. Since she's not willing to acknowledge or repair what she did to begin with I probably wouldn't be budging either. Realistically it should be up to your kids. If they want a relationship with either her or her kids, then fine. Otherwise you'll all just be wasting each others time by making almost everyone miserable.


rgalexan

NTA. As a former stepparent, I understand that any day the rug could be pulled out from under us and we will never see the kids we raised again. You are right for giving your kids the option, and it sounds like they are right for saying "no."


Nanny-2721

Nta- it doesn’t sound like that’s what your kids want. She’s just upset and feels stupid because she got done to her what she did to you. This is karma biting her in the ass lol


danigirl_or

NTA: She got a taste of her own medicine. Why is it your responsibility to ensure her kids are dropped off? I think she's reasonable to ask that the siblings still have a relationship but outside of that her demands and requests are absolutely and unequivocally unreasonable and I'm glad you stood your ground.


cheezeBUTnoCheez

NTA She got a taste of her own medicine. I don’t blame you one bit for staying in your lane. Yes, the whole situation started because of her and there is the argument about it not being “the other woman’s” fault. She made her bed and now she has to lay in it. Offering kindness to her isn’t a bad idea, but do it ONLY if you want to.


Bostonya

NTA, I might be more sympathetic to her if her main interested was your children knowing their half siblings but your ex should be making that a priority. It sounds like she's using her children as an excuse to see yours when she never built a solid relationship with them.


serenasplaycousin

NTA. Why is when people shi* on you, and then they get hit with shi*, the expectation is that YOU will help them wipe it off. Ummm, no,


OneEnvironmental4930

NTA Dina is reaping what she sowed. You own her nothing.


Hairy-Anteater-2349

NTA You don't want her in your kids' life and they don't seem to want her in theirs. I'd respect your children's wishes on the matter and you owe her absolutely nothing. If anything you're a better person for not rubbing the situation in more; I'd be gloating that karma came around for her finally!


No-Policy-4095

NTA - I was sort of seeing her point at the start until you mentioned it was all about the impact on \*HER\* not the half siblings. You're right, she is not your childrens mother, she has zero relationship with them now. It is up to their father to facilitate the relationship between the siblings, not you. He should facilitate it by working out the visitations to be scheduled at similar times. Your only piece to this would be *considering* a request (from the children's FATHER ONLY) for a minor adjustment to the \*TIMING\* of visitations - meaning if normally he has the kids on week 2 of the month, but switching to week 3 would make it so all the kids can be together, it would be kind of you to *consider* that for the kids....HOWEVER, consistency and predictability is important for everyone and if their father determines that to be every single visit is up in the air and randomly changes -- or if he's one of those "given an inch he'll take a MILE" kind of people -- OH HELL NO. You're not being bitter and selfish at all, your mom is out of line.


aaliceb

NTA. Maybe Dina should concentrate on herself and her family and stop bothering you. You even talked it over with your kids.


[deleted]

NTA, if the kids wanted it, you’d facilitate it but they don’t.


whiskeysmoker13

NTA However, it's another situation whereby blameless kids are caught up in all the drama. That's not a slight on you btw but on your ex husband. He should ensure that all the siblings have together time. I get the attitude towards thier step Mother...my kids have one and they were all 'told' to refer to her as 'Mum' ha! They had/have no time for her. Your kids are all blood related. My kids have 3 step brothers...no blood relation, and even now as they are all adults, however much I despise both their father and his partner, I still encourage a relationship with their step siblings. It's grossly unfair on children sometimes, and again, I'm in no way talking about you...its their Father that needs to ensure those kids maintain a relationship. As for the step mother...well she should be speaking to her ex husband...not his ex wife. As you say, now maybe she will see what it was like walking in your shoes those years ago! I don't think you're being bitter. I do think you're being a realist, she has absolutely no claim on your children, they know their own mind and don't seem to want to further their relationship with her...and I say (to the step mother) suck it up!...and to the other woman...good luck!


Better_Physics5750

NTA. Your kids don’t want a relationship with Dina so who cares? Maybe make an effort with your ex to ensure he gets his portion of custody of all five together at least sometimes so they see each other. But I’d behave as Dina didn’t exist if I were you. Dina, Karma got you, what can you do?


jahseh-onfroys-bois

😂what is this, NTA. I struggle to believe this is real it’s so crazy. I find this story almost funny by how unemotionally you described it


natalie2k8

This shit isn't that rare. Cheaters gonna cheat.


CJsMom2000

NTA. I would say you were being the AH if you went along with her and forced your kids into something they don't want or if your kids wanted to see her and you said no to them. Neither of these things seem to be the case so boo hoo for her. She'll have to get over it.


TentacleHydra

NTA The most impressive part of this story is your husbands lawyer. How do you divorce two women, leave 4 kids, and still have cashflow left over to seek out another mistress?


angelcat00

NTA. It would be different if your kids liked her, but you're respecting their feelings by not forcing them to visit her. >since Dina finally knows my pain I can at the very least try to be kind to her. Screw that. Dina *caused* your pain. It's not your responsibility to make her feel better now that it's blown up in her face.


Bdlt56

NTA "Since Dina finally knows my pain I can at the very least try to be kind to her" If someone stabs me, goes to jail, and gets stabbed during their stay, I'm sure not going to be kind to them now that they finally know my pain


newbie2454229

NTA, you can be kind to her but you don't have to be, personally I immensely enjoy when the universe slaps back someone with their own deeds. You should tell her that when a man marries his mistress a job vacancy is created.


smartypants99

I think Dina is trying to keep the kids together (and insinuate they have a close relationship) so that OP can either pick up her kids to drop them off with the ex husband or pick them up from the ex. Dina is wanting to buddy up with OP (after trash talking her all these years) so that she can use OP as a babysitter. Dina is beginning to understand how hard a single parent has it and she wants some FREE help from OP and probably wants to play off her sympathies. People who cheat with cheaters often get cheated on themselves.


Low_Image_788

NTA. Unless your kids express an interest in seeing her or Dina's kids, you are under no obligation to make it happen on your time. She needed to know that now, rather than trying to rely on you for things in the future as things in her life continue to shift.


Bread_Responsible

I think the craziest thing about this is your mom is actually siding with the woman who destroyed your marriage. What the fuck?


mudbunny

NTA There are 4 people whose opinion matters about whether your kids see her kids. They are your kids and her kids. If your kids decide they want to see her kids, then you should be an adult and make it happen, no matter your feelings for her. That's the sacrifices we sometimes make for our kids. But, all that you have posted indicates your kids are just fine with not seeing hers, so why sacrifice your (and possibly their) mental well-being to force the issue.


sonicANIME2019

I think the only one who ISNT an AH in this situation is you, OP, The ex is the biggest of AHs for cheating around His mistress is also an AH for thinking that you should have any obligation to her children, and frankly she got her just desserts and your mother is a (light) AH for not having your back on this


Illusduty

Your kids don't want to see her, and that's probably the most significant part. I was waiting for that bit of info, and when it came that's the end of it. You owe her less than nothing, and your kids aren't clamoring to keep in touch with her, so the one who helped wreck their home is out of their lives. That's fine. Your mother doesn't get a vote, and if she did, she should support her own daughter and grandkids over the woman who broke their family. NTA.


CattleprodTF

There's few things as unsympathetic as affair partners whining when THEY get cheated on. What did they expect? NTA.


peoplebetrifling

>My mother thinks I'm being bitter and selfish Why do so many mothers seem to hate their daughters having a spine?


ObviouslyObsessed18

NTA. Having a decent relationship with their half siblings is understandable but that's their father's job as the common parent to facilitate. And to be completely honest, your children don't like her and she isn't anything to your children anymore.


Kanagaguru

NTA. If the kids nliked her and wanted a relationship you should help them continue to have a relationship but that seems like it isn't the case


HellaShelle

NTA. I guess it’s good that she now understands the hurt she caused but it is sooooo not your job to make her feel better about this. This isn’t some kind of The Other Woman remake story.


BDiddy_420

Dina is not your friend. She never can be


PinkStag

NTA Dina can do one.


stitchinthyme9

Kind of amazing how people who get into relationships with married people are always so completely *shocked* when their now-spouse turns around and cheats on them as well. Anyway, OP is NTA. Though the "other woman" isn't solely responsible for breaking up the marriage, presumably she knew she was doing it since OP does not mention anything about the husband lying about his marital status, so she's not a completely innocent party, either. And OP's mother needs to mind her own business. I really pity wife #3 here.


giantbrownguy

NTA. As reddit loves to say, welcome to the consequences of your actions.


Royal-Otherwise

NTA. Maybe you are being bitter and selfish, and? So what. It’s not your responsibility to facilitate their play dates. Your kids are old enough to ask to see their siblings, then you can decide what to do from there. In the meantime, the parent they have in common can work that out. You owe her nothing. You owe her kids nothing. It would be different if your kids were upset about missing out on a relationship with her, but they aren’t. And if they don’t want a relationship with her at all, I hope your ex husband respects that. I’m sure if he stays active in their lives he’ll make sure he has them all at the same time, wouldn’t want to take time away from his next baby mama.


MommyMasterson16

I am a step mom.my step son is 7 and i met him in infancy. His mom and my now husband had been split for a couple months when we met. We have had equal custody his whole life. She gets a week then we get one. If my husband were to ask for a divorce I would be setting up the kids we had together so that they would be on the same schedule to see their brother. I would NEVER expect his mother to change their custody arrangement to accommodate mine. Theirs came first so i would arrange mine to match theirs. This step mom is nuts to ask you to rearrange for her. Its her job to arrange it with the same schedule as your kids. Not your problem NTA she made her bed


xavii62

>Dina finally knows my pain I can at the very least try to be kind to her. LOL, no. now that she understands your pain, she's the one who should be kinder to you and your kids, you owe her nothing and Dina can cry all she wants but if your kids don't want to see her, she has to respect that and learn to live with that. NTA, and fuck your cheating ex husband going around having kids and divorces willy nilly. ETA - thanks a lot for the award u/ghostiebabyy :)


yellowbutterfliee

NTA. Your kids are old enough to decide they don't want to deal with their former stepmother. The responsibility of fostering a relationship between both sets of kids falls on their dad, not you. You don't have anything to do with that woman's children.


UsernameAgain73

Screw Dina! You owe her nothing!


Chance-Contract-1290

NTA. Her wants are not your problem, and I don't know why she'd expect any favors from you after she helped tear your family apart.


Spiritual-Check5579

NTA. Let her cry a river and ignore anyone who tries to make you change your attitude. That's not your circus anymore.


AffectionateFlan9809

NTA! Omg, thank you for the laugh! I really needed that. Seriously, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. I think I might have pulled a muscle! 🤣 How you kept a straight face throughout that interaction, you must have nerves of steel!


ExistingEffort7

NTA does she think that she's the British museum? Anything she steals automatically becomes part of her collection?


diminutivedwarf

NTA and I love the old saying “When a man marries his mistress, the position opens up”