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AITA for choosing to work at home, when my Zoom meetings annoy my husband?

AITA for choosing to work at home, when my Zoom meetings annoy my husband?

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tuff_gong

The question is: what is he doing that requires you to be out of the house?


[deleted]

>Overall he makes me feel guilty a lot which is why I came on here, lately he's been getting upset that our place isn't clean enough (we don't sleep in the same room but he comes in and "inspects" my room every day), and today he was upset about the noise again. guy sounds like a real winner. op needs to kick him to the curb.


flontru

Lol smh the things people will put up with never fails to baffle me sometimes. But we are all in a diff situation and OP hope things get better for you. You deserve better!


kyra-

RIGHT? I dunno maybe it's just the rose tinted glasses in effect but it's wild that they whole wrote that out and immediately didn't see a problem there


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flontru

Honestly it just makes my blood boil like how are you going to be unemployed and actively not seeking work because, let's be real, you don't want to. THEN having the audacity to give shit to your partner who is working sometimes from home. I just wanna know what happened that let it get to the point where OP's partner is behaving the way OP should be behaving.


cptspeirs

I work in FNB and was furloughed twice. My partner worked from home and her *entire* job is zoom meetings. Hell yeah her zoom meetings annoyed me, but we figured it the fuck out (desk on wheels, headphones, etc) and I stayed the hell out the way.


Strict-Hamster5437

I was teaching from home half the year last year and SO has always worked from home. I was on Zoom literally ALL DAY. We worked on opposite sides of the house and no one was bothered in the slightest. Hubby sounds like a big baby. NTA.


Whole-Recover-8911

A big baby who don't clean. If he got time to inspect a room and he ain't got no job he got time to shut up and clean.


BrokeInTheHead

Really, if you’re unemployed, don’t do chores and don’t support your SO, what value are you bringing to the relationship?


SecretlyFBI

Nothing has made me more cynical about marriage than seeing AITA posts day after day of women asking if they're the asshole for doing the barest minimum for themselves while giving everything to their husbands, especially when their husbands are the ones demanding more.


flontru

Omg same the amount of times I have this same thought.....granted not everything we read is reality. But it's enough to keep me single.


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vanderBoffin

This is the weird thing. Everyone says that AITA and r/relationships keep telling people to divorce over the smallest things, and yes that does happen, but the more surprising thing is how shitty people's relationships are without them even realizing. And often the "small thing" that we're told about it only the tip of the iceberg in the relationships (like with this post).


parkaprep

My gf is mad I shit in a bucket: Couple's therapy, she's controlling, incompatible, propose compromise to her, open relationship. My bf chokes me without consent, stole my inheritance, killed my cat, and won't clean his shit bucket: Sweetie you need to pick your battles.


wheres_jaykwellin_at

I had an ex who, while I was at work for 8 hours a day, plus a 30-minute commute each way, would do basically nothing at home while unemployed for almost three years. I found there to be nothing more rationally infuriating then coming home to him playing video games with a filthy house with no dinner plans. It all came to a head when I had to leave work for health reasons for several months. I told him ahead of time that I wasn't going to be much help around the house or with anything else due to that issue, to which he said he was okay. Yeah, by the time I was ready to work again, he finally got a job... and then had the audacity to tell me that he did everything around the house during an argument. For me, for a long time, it was about making the relationship work because we all have to make sacrifices in a healthy relationship. He was the one I chose, so I was going to stay with him and I was going to make it work. However, hearing that was it for me. I was gone in less than a month. Edit: I commented here at a point where I didn't think it would get a whole lot of attention. I want to thank you all who replied or reached out in other ways. While this was recent, I'm back in my hometown and in a far more equal and supportive relationship. I still talk to my ex (though I do speak very unkindly of him here, he really is an incredibly caring, kind person... which doesn't change the fact he's also an incredibly immature and inexperienced partner, but still), but only about surface level stuff. I appreciate everyone so much for your kindness and support.


kcam3114

It’s probably because situations like this often happen slowly over time…like gaining weight. You don’t just wake up one morning and weigh 30 lbs heavier, but you don’t really notice it happening until you can button the jeans you wore a month ago. I’m sure this guy wasn’t a jobless nightmare when they got married.


mspuscifer

NTA. I'm sorry OP but if my husband tried anything like that with me I'd laugh in his face and kick him out. He's inspecting your room? Who does he think he is freeloading off you? He needs an attitude adjustment.


sassyandsweer789

Same. I would laugh and say no. It he doubled down I would let him know this was worth getting divorced over. I am grown and I will be d**n if anyone inspects my room or tells me what to do in my personal space.


Away_Trade_3850

Of course you don't sleep in the room. If my significant other was treating me like this I wouldn't be sleeping in the same house. He's terrible. And he's also ex husband material.


ClothDiaperAddicts

I'm wondering when he became a hobosexual. Just living off of OP and maybe putting out. (I have no idea what their sex life is like, obviously. That being said, when my marriage was at its lowest point, my husband and I weren't sleeping in the same bed anymore.) He doesn't have a job. He makes it unpleasant for her to work hers. He criticizes her *and inspects her goddamned room* like she's a child. Why isn't he cleaning up or doing anything to earn his keep? Is the sex that good?


FeuerroteZora

>Is the sex that good? I mean, this guy does not sound like he's willing to do anything other than lay there all day, I don't think he's going to be any different during sex... OP is clearly woefully unaware of the advances in dildo technology that she's missing out on. The *best* part of this technology is that a dildo will *not* inspect your room, does *not* care if you have Zoom meetings, *and* will help you achieve orgasms without complaining that you are so much work!


ackoo123ads

he is a winner. he won the lottery and found a spouse who will support him without him having a job or being a good husband. Only a true winner can win that lottery. ladies, I'm single. you down for this? I want to be a winner too. I know ,hot, right? All of the above could be yours. Come and get it.


Wwwweeeeeeee

Here's a brilliant idea! If he gets a job then he won't be at home! I bet he never thought of that! Why should he? You're happy to pay the bills to be honoured by his amazing presence, sparkling wit and charming personality, right? Yeah, this is as good as it's gonna get. Pretty sure he'll want you to quietly make his lunch while he's busy gaming and checking out the chicks on tinder. And don't forget to do his laundry and vacuum the house while you're at it. And if you have babies, please, by all means, KEEP THEM QUIET! don't want to disturb his Highness, after all. NTA, but ONLY if you don't cut this one loose.


Onion5253

He sounds abusive as fuck.


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BaymaxIsMyPatronus

In her room while she's not there, which is why he needs her gone during the day, otherwise it won't be able to grow and flourish


SpinachMental73

NTA. Lock your bedroom door, OP.


Traditional-Bed9449

Probably in his briefcase since he’s not using it for anything thing else.


rustblooms

In his giant lazy ass.


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wettervcgxfa

NTA. I’m sorry? This man expects you to fulfill all the household tasks on top of being the sole breadwinner? And he constantly ridicules and bullies you? I’m so sorry you have to deal with such a child OP. You deserve better.


Phenamina1

This!!!! I came here for this comment Op NTA Husband sure is… 1. Unemployed - honestly I don’t even know if I believe that it’s because he’s scared of covid (it’s a totally legitimate fear and I absolutely understand people protecting themselves by not working right now) but combined with everything else it truly just sounds like he has found the perfect excuse to not work/look (he could look and also be doing jobs from home - so many already were and so many more now are) on top of that then is such a hypocrite and contradicts himself that she should go in because covid isn’t that big a deal… 2. He is home and unemployed and not doing any housework (which he should be shouldering the majority of right now) yet has the absolute unmitigated gall to complain about the house?? And then the absurdity level is so high here go into HER room to ‘inspect’???!! Such BS 3. Op is working and paying for the home at this moment (unless he is contributing out of savings or unemployment but even then…) she paying for the roof over their head; the utilities that allow them to live and the food in their bellies and SHE’s selfish???!! 4. This is not an apt, it’s a house with his own bedroom even - he can jolly well go to the part furthest away from her and sit there or close the door to his room - honestly I don’t even believe she is prolly that loud. If it’s bothering him he can put in earplugs or headphones, so she can keep her job so they can live It sounds like he is getting more and more controlling and this is encroaching into (emotional) abuse territory, if not there already.


BoyMom119816

Already abusive, completely hypocritical. Makes me sad.


Gimme_inspiration

Any person commenting on the status of the house whilst being (the sole) unemployed, needs to shove it.


NotTheJury

Exactly. You are bugging him because he wants to be doing something he doesn't want you to know about.


Lucy_the_wise_goosey

Word... sounds like she's interrupting his real plans...


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Realistic-Animator-3

Umm… yeah. That and he won’t get a job because of what’s going on in the world- but she’s paranoid. He inspects her room!!!?, he complains about cleanliness, and is annoyed by her voice during meetings when she is the only one working… just wow.


Lady_Dinoasaurus

You're in another room, wearing headphones, and i assume not shouting at your colleagues? It's literally no different to existing in your own home NTA


BellaDonna585

🎯🎯🎯


TracyMinOB

LOL. The man is unemployed, stays home and reads, and calls YOU lazy for not going into the office and bothering him? Tell HIM to go to the Library if he wants to read! NTA Edit: Thx for the award!


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FerretAres

This is not what gaslighting is.


JohnJohnston

Quit gaslighting me on the definition of gaslighting.


FerretAres

This comment is abuse and I’m going to sue you for slander.


RockabillyBelle

When it’s in writing it’s libel.


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Frejian

But if you sue for defamation wouldn't that be defaming his character and opening you to a counter defamation lawsuit!? 🤔


particledamage

What do you think gaslighting means


EMWerkin

Drives me nuts how pedantic people get about the term gaslighting. Honestly, every time someone is in here like "I stubbed my toe and cried and my spouse screamed at me for making noise, AITAH?" - like this person is obviously dealing with so much gaslighting they don't even understand reasonable behavior and we're all in here fighting about if this SPECIFIC INSTANCE is gaslighting. Maybe it's not, but the OP clearly is so well gaslit that she can't see reality anymore, it's just flaming lamps everywhere you look.


particledamage

Gaslighting has a specific meaning and degrading it to mean any instance of lying or assholery harms those who need the term gaslighting to describe their specific experiences. It’s like someone calling any instance of a partner being shitty “abuse.”


Luckycat90210

Isn’t it kind of gaslighting because he’s making a big deal and making her question whether she’s lazy and selfish to want to wfh when actually he is the one being lazy and selfish?


EMWerkin

Right, but this woman is actually questioning her own judgment and behavior because she is being emotionally manipulated. She believes that if she does the things he wants her to do that everything will be better, and she somehow thinks she is in the wrong for working a job and paying the bills. It checks all the boxes. A person doesn't have to doubt their sanity for it to be gaslighting.


zemorah

People seem to think it’s anytime someone is being an an ass.


ZennMD

he needs the space for the mental gymnastics he's doing to encourage OP to go to the office because she's just 'paranoid' about the plague but somehow the plague is too concerning for him to find work... OP abusers manipulate emotions SO well that you can feel like you are the one with issues, hopefully this is a wakeup call you deserve better.


SamiHami24

Don't forget-the house isn't clean enough either. And evidently that's OPs fault, not his.


ButterscotchSuper393

Even though he is the one jobless with nothing to do so should at the very least be maintaining the house


Dreadedredhead

NTA The hours that she isn't on the phone, he can run the vacuum and throw in a load of laundry. Make lunch, start dinner, so once she is done for the day they can have "us" time. This relationship is so out of whack I have no idea how to even get it back on track. I'm thinking attorney time but maybe I'm jumping the gun.


No-Jellyfish-1208

NTA So he is bothered because you are... working?! You dare to disturb him being a couch potato? Oh my, oh my. What is he even doing that he needs so hard to focus on if you occassionally speaking up during the meeting is disturbing him?


MrSuccinylcholine

I need to wonder whether it’s a lifelong experience of being treated this way that has conditioned OP to accept this as okay. Like was she and her mother servants to her lazy father and siblings. Unreal.


gnostic-gnome

Being raised by a narcissist father is why I thought it was perfectly ok to deal with verbal, physical and mental abuse from my husband for three long years


Clio_the-Catlady

Right? Like, her working is what allows him to sit on his duff all day.


RaevanBlackfyre

Even if he wasn't unemployed, or was constantly looking for a job, c'mon OP is sitting in a different room with headphones. How loud would she be? You can easily adjust that much with your spouse.


Sirix_8472

NTA I imagine her presence there acts as some form of oversight for him that he doesn't like. He feels she's watching him, even if she isn't. She is a disruption to his day, he doesn't feel as free as when she's out of the house. Maybe he wants to watch TV louder, maybe he likes daytime talk shows and is afraid to admit it so he's hiding it(not watching them when she's there, or trying to sneaky watch them on low volume). Maybe it highlights how little he actually does or contributes since now someone is there to say... dishwasher or washing machine only took 10 mins to put on, and bins were 5 mins. Maybe he likes to snack constantly and feels he can't if she's aware how much he eats. Maybe he just wants to bang one out whenever wherever he feels like it on a whim and can't coz someone else is there. Maybe he says he does things with his day that he actually doesn't, doesn't go for that 1.5 hour walk they said they did, didn't do that 3 hours of online job hunting they claimed. Maybe they sleep in til 12 instead of getting out of bed when she does for work at home. And the only reason they give is "it's different when you're home" I've had exs like all of the above, unmotivated leeches fits, but it's harsh I admit. There's a million excuses. But none that you'll want to deal with, you can't fix someone, you can't force them to make meaningful lasting change. They have to want it. A partner who doesn't contribute to a partnership....isn't a partner, they are someone to kill loneliness, they are a presence. Doesn't want to get a job during the pandemic, it's probably going to last for years, it's already been 20 months. It's going to continue for the foreseeable future, 6 months, a year....more? I won't harp on about it, but there are more strains, and the longer the pandemic goes, the more there will be as it mutates. He's put his life on hold indefinitely, it's an undefined amount of time "til it's over". Does he intend to be unemployed for 3 years, 5 years. What if he wants to get back out there and can't as he's got such a career break. OP only asks for judgement on whether she's the AH, she's not. He is the AH. He's twisting things back on her, things that are rediculous. He isn't contributing, and there no foreseeable future where he will. He's an anchor holding her back.


baffledninja

Definitely not cleaning. Smh to be unemployed and complaining about a dirty house...


idreaminwords

>He is also at home all day since he's unemployed NTA. How exactly does this interrupt him? What important things is he up to that he can't handle a bit of talking from the other room. He's the selfish one. Work from home if that's how you feel safest, and tell him that if he's bothered by the sound, he can leave the house and go look for jobs during those time periods


Yithar

Yeah, I don't feel like OP is TA here. Honestly, as someone who's really sensitive to noise (think of a person with autism), since I have to go to medical treatment 3x/week where there's a lot of people also receiving medical treatment and they can be pretty noisy not the mention the machines have alarms, I wear earplugs, along with [noise isolating headphones with a portable white noise machine attached to said headphones](https://imgur.com/5isqQgK). /u/throwawaypigsty 's husband could simply buy some earplugs as a simple solution. It's not realistic to expect everyone to change their behavior just for you.


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LimitlessMegan

You can also buy him Loops. They look like in ear headphones but are just sound blockers. But if your husband is: - unwilling to go get a job - demands he had the house to himself all day while he does nothing - won’t leave the house - won’t put on noise canceling headphones Someone in this exchange is peak selfish, but it isn’t you. NTA


unbrokenSGCA

You forgot won't clean the house


BeautifulTrash101

Won't clean, and then complains if the house is messy


OkCompetition3928

Perhaps he cooks! Wonderful meals, warm breads and decadent desserts. The only inspection of OP's room is when he lovingly delivers nourishment upon silver platters complete with a small vase of fresh flowers.


NMDCDNVita

Lol you know he doesn't.


Lucy_the_wise_goosey

I mean, he probably just want you to leave so he can watch porn, masturbate, and have his side chick over. You are messing up his schedule. /s


maroongrad

That's where my mind went immediately too. :( Might be time for OP to keep an eye on the finances.... Hopefully nothing but he's got issues.


SWG_138

you added "/s" by mistake


MonteBurns

You should consider showing him the door, too.


Yithar

You're welcome. At the very least, he should try wearing earplugs. The problem with earplugs is only that it doesn't block sound that travels through the skull, but if you're just talking normally I don't think that should be an issue. Like I normally buy a pack of these now and then: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B0051U7W32/ The other option might be [a bigger white noise machine](https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07WPCXL5H/), if he's okay with say, hearing loud rain.


CuteHoodie

I have noise canceling headphone, the cheap ones for construction worker. There is no white noise/electronic, but it is big and cover the whole ear. It is so comfy I forgot about them sometimes. I put them on everytime I hear my neightbor screaming at each other, they work like a charm ! It's a cheap solution, so you can take time to find more expensive fancy confortable headphones. Well, at least it's a solution if your husband is really bothered by the noise, and not just being mean to you. (Totally NTA)


Ok_Network_1813

Did I read that correctly? Y'all sleep in separate rooms and he INSPECTS your room?? Boo, run.


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tacosareforlovers

You’re okay with him talking to you like that? Does he ever show you any respect? I don’t mean to denigrate your marriage but, in your own story, your husband is astoundingly rude to you and you just seem to accept it?


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tacosareforlovers

Are you a servant that he wants to fire or his wife? Because I really can’t tell from your last response. Honey, I’m sorry. He’s an emotionally abusive asshole. Spouses annoy each other sometimes during marriage, it happens! But when it happens you normally just take some time for yourself or RESPECTFULLY talk with your spouse about your issue. I’ve been married a long time…and my husband has never once been cruel or disrespectful. You do deserve better. You can have better. I promise you, a life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells is out there waiting for you. Please look inside yourself, find your inner Beyoncé and demand some respect for yourself.


BellaDonna585

This x a million. OP this is not what a healthy relationship is at all.


Tear_Active

Exactly. OP, I was in a relationship where I had to “walk on eggshells” too, and while it was painful when it ended, I found someone much better for me and I’m way happier


ClazN

This.... exactly this.


limerent_disaster

It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship where he gaslights you and makes you feel like you are not doing enough and not worthy. Your self esteem must be suffering a great deal from this treatment. It’s time to seek therapy. It might be hard for you to see this at first but a good therapist can help.


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blechkatz

While you do that, start to safe money. Just a little here and there. By the time you're build up your self esteem and know that how he's treating you isn't right, you're all set for the divorce lawyer, new place to stay etc. All the luck in the world to you and be safe. You deserve so much better.


NeemaMlozi

And save that money in an account he doesn't know about or have any access to, OP. You need to protect yourself and he obviously doesn't even think he's overstepping to make demands of the only breadwinner in the house when he contributes nothing.


watery_tart73

Guaranteed that if he's that controlling, then he has control of the money too.


AmITheAltAccount

She would save so much money simply cutting the cost of supporting this awful awful man.


thedrunkunicorn

True, but it can take so long to get to that headspace. I've been there, and even though I KNEW something wasn't right, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that it wasn't all my fault. When my friends gasped and said "he did WHAT?" when I was telling them about perfectly "normal" stuff, after he was gone and I felt safe, that's when I realized what I was dealing with. (And Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft sealed the deal. OP, if you see this, please consider picking up this book.)


grayhairedqueenbitch

OP if you are in the US, you can contact the thehotline.org They can refer you to local services which possibly offer free counseling. Your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. Whatever issues he has, don't excuse his behavior.


blobofdepression

You can also look up the book “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, there’s a free .pdf floating around so you don’t even have to pay for it. It was **very** helpful for me when I was being emotionally abused. Please read it, I think it will help you a lot.


curvycurly

If your work offers an EAP program, I learned this year I can get six FREE therapy sessions per "issue." When I tried finding one through my insurance it was overwhelming and the ones I reached out to weren't even accepting new patients. EAP gave me a list of three, all of which had openings.


lepidopteryx_207

So not only is speaking to you in a way that is not appropriate in a loving relationship, he is blaming you for his poor behaviour? OP I think your relationship has far bigger issues than your Zoom calls. What does your partner actually contribute? What positive things do you get out of this relationship?


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anon974683

It will never go back. That person he was at the beginning was a lie that he told until you loved him.


Catfactss

OP please listen to this comment. Emotionally abusive men don't come off that way from the start. They come across as charming and romantic. I don't even know if it's conscious or not. But as soon as they have you hooked their true colors come out. Btw I don't know if you're still sleeping together but please do not have children with this man. Find a non-tamperable birth control method to use until you're safely out.


AccessConcentration

So this guy: * doesn't work * doesn't do anything to help around the house * complains and treats you like shit This may be hard to hear and adjust to since you're used to this kind of relationship. But please, hear me out: this is not normal. You put in all the effort for a person who does nothing for you. This is not what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. The dream of going back to the way things were in the beginning is often one dream held on to by people in abusive relationships. I'm sorry, not happening. No person who genuinely respects you would treat you like this. And without respect, a healthy relationship can not exist. He's shown you who he is.


beneaththeseracs

>So this guy: doesn't work doesn't do anything to help around the house complains and treats you like shit And don't forget that he then gaslights OP to make it feel like it's her fault that he's treating her like shit because she's "annoying" him. OP, this isn't a healthy relationship. Your husband is emotionally abusing you. Your poor self-esteem is probably trashed beyond belief at this point, but please trust the volume of advice you're getting here that says this isn't normal and you deserve to be treated so much better. NTA, obviously. Your husband though...yeesh.


capmanor1755

You won't be able to get back to how it was in the beginning because that's how abusive relationships work. Abusers lure you in with a honeymoon phase and then slowly unleash the abuse. Think about it- if he'd been rude, controlling, unemployed and lazy when you first met, you wouldn't have been interested right? 1) Does your workplace have an EAP? If so, call it today. It's confidential and free. 2) Try a zoom therapy like BetterHelp- you can set up sessions for when you're out of the house. 3) call your local domestic violence hotline and ask of they have counseling recommendations. He's not been violent but he's showing all the signs of emotional abuse.


grayhairedqueenbitch

The beginning was a lie. He was just trying to reel you in this is who he is.


Content-Box-5140

No. Just no. He is not not contributing to the house because "you annoy him". He is not contributing to the house because he is a lazy asshole. If he is unemployed, he should be doing all of the housework. If he doesn't want to work because he is afraid of covid, he should be fully supportive of you working from home, not only for your safety but also his own (you'd bring it home after all) He is lying to you to make you do what he wants. That is not ok, ever. You deserve better.


peaceoutsis

You can improve your self esteem immediately by losing 200 lbs of asshole.


lepidopteryx_207

You are placing a lot of the blame for this on your own shoulders. Would it be an accurate guess to suggest your partner also places the blame on you? That is not appropriate behaviour in a relationship. He should be working on sustaining the relationship and he should want what is best for you as a person. If this is not the case, that is NOT your fault. You said you're hoping for a compromise - that involves give from both sides. What is he giving? How is he helping? Or are you the only person making allowances? I think you need to have a serious assessment as to whether this relationship, as it is currently (don't get stuck on what used to be), is what's best for you.


tossedavocado

I’m sorry, but you need to realize things are never going to go back to how they were in the beginning. What you are saying is commonly said by those in abusive relationships. You need to remind yourself that his behavior is not okay. You don’t deserve it. And you need to find a way to truly stand up for yourself. You should be angry at how he is acting and treating you. Your husband is acting shady because he is doing something shady. You are way too worried about his feelings and not worried enough about your own. What you allow will continue. What you don’t fight against will persist. Ask yourself what your advice would be to a friend or family member experiencing this. Then do that. Stop being afraid of him.


neverrrragain

Does you paying for him annoy him too? Cause that one would be easy to stop doing


thatshowitgoes2189

Wait a minute?!? You are working and providing for the family and ALSO cleaning and cooking? If he was a sahd I get you have to pitch in with household chores. Question for you, what is he contributing to your marriage? It doesn’t sound like you have kids, and who knows if you want to (that’s none of our business). But if this is how he behaves childless it’s only going to get worse. I know Reddit jumps to leave him, but please step back and consider what you are getting out of this marriage.


Brave_Description158

NTA. Wow. This comment right here broke my heart. Please hear me on this: you deserve someone who cares about you, and shows it. You deserve to be loved. This man seems rude, self-entitled, disrespectful, and completely unwilling to compromise. Expressing that you are hurt by how someone talks to or treats you and being told their actions are your fault is incredibly insensitive. He appears to take no responsibility and seems fully unwilling to change. This honestly seems like a piece to a much larger picture of your relationship. With the lack of compromise on his end it reads as very one-sided. I don’t mean to overstep here, but do you really want to spend your life trying so hard to be happy in a marriage? It should be a partnership, a team. He seems to completely disrespect your feelings, giving only criticism in response. The comment about him coming into YOUR room to demand things be up to his specifications? Insane. If there’s a genuine cleanliness issue (like that which could cause pests) that’s one thing, but to berate you for however your personal space is setup not being to his liking just seems so unnecessarily critical. Does he do this in other aspects of your life? You’ve mentioned he makes you feel guilty a lot, and that’s also not part of a healthy relationship. Again, don’t want to overstep, but if I were in this position I would seriously reconsider what I’m getting out of this relationship, and if I were truly happy. You deserve to be loved, dear.


SaveBandit91

I’m sorry, what? If he’s unemployed he should be doing all the cooking and cleaning. You obviously don’t need his support to pay bills, so I’d kick the guy out. He sounds awful. NTA


HistoricallyLurking

That’s definitely abuser behaviour. Get out before you can’t. All of it. The “inspection” of your room, the way he says you “annoy” him, not doing things “right”, the insistence that he can stay home, unemployed, to wait out the pandemic on YOUR dime but YOU have to go into the office to make that money for him. This isn’t a marriage. A marriage is when both parties respect each other and make a life together. He’s not making a life *with* you, he’s making a life with you in it.


Petitebourgeoisie1

girl.....


Stashabobasha

Hey OP, this is blatant manipulation and overt cruelty. You don't treat someone you love like this. He behavior in every comment you described has been out of line to a major degree. Please get into some therapy. Your husband is using you for a meal ticket and housing, and doesn't even want you to be safe from covid while providing for him. That's not ok. Know this isn't about you not being good enough. That is the mind game he is playing on you. If you think poorly enough of yourself, you won't ever challenge his BS. Therapy will help you feel that reality and can help you make plans to resolve it. But, don't hold your breath that he'll change. Why would he? He's got a pretty sweet deal, and all he has to do is continue to control you and emotionally abuse you. You don't deserve to be treated this way.


NotTheJury

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 he dropped these while "inspecting" your room....


mzpljc

Your husband sounds like he's hiding something. He isn't bothered by the noise, he's bothered by your presence. He wants you out of the house to do something he doesn't want you to know about.


AdministrativeCod666

He's clearly the asshole. You're the breadwinner. He has no business calling you lazy when he's sitting at home unemployed. Maybe he's jealous or feeling insecure about it but that is no reason for him to be verbally abusive. Perhaps if he got his ass up and started job hunting he wouldn't be so "bothered" by the noise..


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Jetztinberlin

I know others have already said this, but I'm going to repeat it, because it's important you hear it and don't dismiss it as a random opinion: **YOUR HUSBAND IS IMMATURE, DISRESPECTFUL AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE.** Calling you lazy and selfish while you're the only breadwinner *and* the only one to do any housework? Not normal and not ok. Criticizing your efforts on a daily basis as not good enough, while he makes none of his own? Not normal and not ok. Sitting on his hiney while you bust your ass to keep a roof over your heads and to keep that roof tidy, refusing to make any effort or contribution, and getting angry at you for... working in your own house? Not normal and not ok. Girl... dump this guy. You will feel so much better. Partners should lift you up and make your life better. He's weighing you down and making your life worse. Whatever in your past told you this is what love is... it doesn't have to be. You don't have to suffer and be treated like crap to have love. You do, though, have to get out of this relationship to have a happier life.


ZygonsOnJupiter

If he's yelling he's verbally abusing her.


weako4luckychrmz

You don't have to yell to be verbally abusive.


Literaryesque

THIS. 100% this.


Hamdown1

I’m shocked you’re even having to ask this. Tell his lazy ass to go find a job


waffles_are_yummy

I'm not. She's a victim of emotional abuse do it's hard for her to realise that she is not the problem and that he is the problem.


Hamdown1

You’re absolutely right, thank you for pointing it out.


OneCraftyBird

My ex was like this. He was unemployed because I wouldn't put out enough. No, really, it went like this: \- He lost four different jobs because he was always late to work. \- He was late to work because he didn't want to get up when I left for work. \- He didn't want to get up when I left because he was sleepy. \- He was sleepy because he stayed up playing video games all night. \- He stayed up playing video games because if I wasn't going to fuck him, what's the point in going to bed? I was working three jobs and doing all the cooking and cleaning. I was so broken that even when I finally decided to leave him, I thought I would need to send him money every month because it was my fault he couldn't work. HE GOT A JOB TWO DAYS AFTER I MOVED OUT AND HAS HELD THAT JOB EVER SINCE AND IT HAS BEEN TWENTY YEARS, THE PROBLEM WAS NEVER ME


Blonde2468

Funny how they can suddenly be employed once the gravy train is taken away. Good for you for getting away!


dangeroussequence

Holy shit. I’m so glad you got yourself out of that! I can’t believe those mental gymnastics of his. Keep up the good work for yourself, pal!


OneCraftyBird

Thanks, Blonde and Danger. It is really hard once you've been brainwashed to realize that the door is right there and you can go through it. OP, if you're reading all the comments -- it is REALLY hard to leave. Whatever impulse that drove you to post here today knows this isn't right, though. Don't blow this off as a bunch of internet strangers who don't have the full story. Because it doesn't matter that he once stood in the rain to get your lunch or that he says this nice thing or he helped your mom move. **Abusers aren't abusive 100% of the time. That doesn't make the abuse not real, and his nice times don't buy him the right to abuse you.**


Picaboo13

He does that to "keep you in your place". You are NTA. You need to cut off his internet access through the wifi, have him start cooking and cleaning for himself. He is a grown man and you are his wife not his servant. He does not get to inspect your room for cleanliness. OP he is verbally and mentally abusing you. Abuse isn't just physical. Verbal and mental is just a damaging. He is responsible for how he behaves. Deflecting it on to you minimizes how you feel, allows him to escape responsible for it and make you the responsible party.....which you are not at all. Everyone needs to be treated with care OP. That means you too.


mzpljc

You're being manipulated


miss-K-

Oh that's horribly abusive. Get out soon as you can. Currently you have the financial indipendence to do that, before it gets violent.


Alita_Moonsong

NTA If he really doesn't want to listen to your zoom meetings, he can get himself a job. You are the bread winner, without you he will also be homeless. Does he do anything around the house? Or is he just a living mantle piece that eats food and makes a mess. Cause if he is to lazy to do anything, why keep him around?


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MeSpikey

Why do you let him call you lazy whilst HE is the lazy one? Edit: because I don't want to hurt OP BUT: please get help! He is not good for you!


40bear

This is such a dangerous response to tell someone in an obviously toxic relationship …


HomelyHobbit

So, what are you getting out of this relationship? How long are you going to tolerate this? What will happen if you have kids with this guy?


toephu

Why are you supporting this man who clearly does not respect the work you do to provide for him?


0biterdicta

OP, what are you gaining from being married to him? You're financially supporting the family and doing all the housework. It sounds like you have a child, not a husband.


Literaryesque

A spoilt rotten demon child, at that.


daehoidar

It sounds like he's manipulating you into doing whatever is most convenient for himself, and with no shame. Doesn't sound like he's taken you into consideration at all. And it honestly sounds like there is some mental abuse here. Have you ever talked to a therapist? Sometimes it can be really helpful to bounce ideas and questions off of an uninvolved third party. It can bring quite a bit of clarity to situations where you're too wrapped up in them to be able to see clearly. Forgetting everything else, the idea that he is complaining about the house being a mess to you (insinuating that you need to clean more), while he's both unemployed and refusing to help with the house work is honestly super fucked up and borderline, if not outright, abuse. It sounds like there's some serious manipulation/gaslighting happening here. Can I ask you what it is that he brings to this partnership?


rosestrawberryboba

you’re being used OP :( NTA, what does he bring to the table?


spoiledrichwhitegirl

NTA. He lost any of my sympathy when you said he’s unemployed. He can get over it and use that time to apply for jobs.


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0biterdicta

Plenty of jobs are going permanently remote. He can work those from home and not worry about covid in the workplace.


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anonymouse6424

Data entry, transcription work, some call centers, some tutoring jobs, etc. That's just entry-level stuff, if he's got experience there's jobs in many industries right now that can be done remote or at least solo (e.g., couriers, delivery, etc.)


theinvisible-girl

As someone who does transcription work, it's not something I'd recommend. Unless you have your own clients, the transcription companies like TranscribeMe and Rev take advantage of the gig economy to pay terrible rates. For example, with the company I get work from, I get roughly 28% of what the client is charged for a file despite being the one to transcribe the whole file, research words and names, decipher what's being said, properly identify speakers and add time stamps, and edit the file. Is money made? Sure, but keep at it long enough and you'll slowly feel your soul being eaten away at. Source: My experiences of 4 long years doing this type of work. My mental health has deteriorated the longer I've stayed doing it with empty promises of better opportunities.


haitechan

Why are you doing the homework for him? He is the one who should apply for jobs, not you. I'm not on the US so I can't help much but sure there is some kind of unemployment office where he can look for jobs. LinkedIn exists. Heck, he can look at Upwork or similar sites. He's just using the pandemic as an excuse. Besides, who knows how much we will be under this situation? One year, two years, five years? Is he really going to sit without doing nothing? I lost my job prepandemic. Was about two years "unemployed" but did things. Worked at a certain coffee shop chain. Did some translation gigs. Took care of my chronically ill sister. Did chores. Sure, pandemic makes things a bit harder but it isn't an excuse. Either he's being lazy or is doing something he doesn't want you to find out.


Honeycrispcombe

Honey, you can't fix him. You can give him all the help and ideas and support you want, but it's not going to make a lick of difference. You. Can't. Fix. Him.


lady_wildcat

> saying he wants to wait for covid to be over Yet he says you’re paranoid.


rkcraig88

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s using COVID as an excuse to not look for a job, not that he’s truly being cautious. How long has your husband been unemployed? Did he lose his job because of COVID?


Stormgren

It's never really going to be over, he needs to get over himself. As for you? NTA and work wherever you want, he can deal.


RileyTheCoyote

NTA. He’s unemployed and calling you lazy for working from home. Lmao.


Positive_Mango_2783

LMAO THIS? GETCHO ASS A JOB 😂😂😂 he said she’s bothering him and selfish? Sir, one way to be less bothered is getting your ass out of the house and getting a job to pay the bills.


grapefruitypebble

NTA. Why are you with this man? How did you guys meet and why doesn’t he help out around the house? Why does he expect you to work, clean and cook when he’s unemployed? And the separate sleeping situation? Is separating from him an option??


Supergoch

NTA, if he's not working, why can't he go for a walk, get coffee, put on headphones, close the door, etc. when you're on your calls?


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crock_pot

I’m guessing his response will be he’ll whine that it’s his house and how dare you try to push him out, he has a right to be there, blah blah blah. The problem isn’t you being accommodating enough, it’s him being an ass. I’m assuming because he’s insecure about being unemployed and hates any reminder that you have a job because he’s jealous.


Mary674

Seems to me like he doesn't even want a job, TBH. He's exploiting OP all the while making her feel at fault for it and like she's not enough.


[deleted]

Or the job centre. Or cleaning the house. Or prepare dinner. Or work on his zero communication skills. Or work on his attitude. What does this man contribute to the marriage? He puts you down. "inspects" your room for cleaniness. Doesn't work. Clearly has no intention to. This isn't a therapy answer OP. This is a divorce issue.


Captainckidd

NTA he’s unemployed so he has no say on where you work


EssexCatWoman

Hahahahha no. NTA. He could always leave the house and get a job, or hobby… That ‘noise’ pays your bills.


badnewsfaery

>That ‘noise’ pays your bills. Absolutely this. You have a freeloading, abusive cocklodger. Inspects your room? wtf. Would cleaning would make his willy fall off?


Unsolicitedadvice13

NTA. He wants you to commute to an office so that his unemployed ass can have quiet at all times of the day?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩


Unsolicitedadvice13

He’s making you feel guilty about having a job when he doesn’t have one and doesn’t want one?!?! The more you write about this guy the less I like him! What does he even bring to the table at this point if he doesn’t work, doesn’t clean, and is trying to kick you out of your own home during the day while you’re actually making money for the both of you??


tpstp

OMG. Your husband is unemployed and complaining that you are working to support the family and him included? You just can’t make this stuff up… get a divorce and let his unemployed ass enjoy the silence under a highway. Edit: NTA, obviously!


Unit-Healthy

>let his unemployed ass enjoy the silence under a highway. This made my morning.


QuirkySyrup55947

LOL the unemployed guy gets to call the employed woman "lazy." CUTE NTA If the noise bothers him, your husband can: 1. Wear headphones 2. Go for a walk 3. Shop 4. Clean 5. Run errands 6. Hang with friends Or here is a fun one 7. GET A JOB


caw81

NTA - why should you leave the home when he could (library, park, friend' home etc)? Also he could use earplugs etc. Also generally money generating activity is more important/has a higher priority than reading (which I assume is not money generating).


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caw81

Its also uncomfortable commuting into the office.


Electronic_Aioli5243

No other suggestions will work, because he doesn't want the other suggestions. He just wants you gone so he can do whatever. Find some self respect and ditch the dead weight.


Chirrita

So you’ll be paying for his outings? Wake up, OP. Your husband is an AH and you are being one to yourself by accepting his abuse. Get rid of the deadweight and be happy.


ambersloves

This HAS to be fake! Unemployed guy says she’s selfish for working from home and disrupting his unemployment? Yikes on all the bikes!


rextex22

The replies are what sealed it for me. You can always tell what’s fake and what’s not by who they reply to and how. They won’t reply to the people giving actual solid advice and asking the right questions they’ll only reply and continue to say juuuuuust the right things to get the commenters up in arms. It’s upsetting me that people make fake posts because when people actually do need help the post won’t get the attention it deserves because all these creative writing assignments are more interesting and get the interaction.


Beautiful_mistakes

For real. And the fact that she’s here asking if she’s the asshole it’s beyond hilarious.


vibrationseeker

Honestly, the majority of the popular posts here seem so fake to me recently...


Sunkissed_Barbie

Info: is he contributing from saving or something while unemployed?! Also why is he not cleaning since he’s not working or looking for work? Idk girl this is an assumption but I’d be feeling USED.


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MessageInAWeb

Sooooo... He's too nervous to get a job during a pandemic, but encourages you to go out to work in a pandemic - even though it'd be safer for you to stay home? I'm not totally sure what you're getting from this relationship judging by some of your edits. He yells at you, doesn't contribute, judges your home cleanliness but doesn't clean? This is more than enough to make me question what he does bring to the table. What is he doing during the day while you work?


RockabillyBelle

OP I’ve scrolled through enough of this comment section to see you respond this way more than once. I don’t want to completely dump on your marriage but a lot of what you’re saying in defense of your husband sounds like excuses he’s given you that you’re trying to believe. Has he ever followed through with promises that things will get better? I’ve been married for a while and trust me, issues come up, but a strong marriage is held together with communication and honesty. If you’re doing everything in the house but he gets to throw tantrums and make decisions, that’s not a healthy marriage. It’s not your responsibility to carry this relationship by yourself. What is he doing to support you? How is he there for you when you get stressed out being the only bread winner, cook, clean, etcetera? He’s not being honest or forthright with you and if that’s the case you should really consider putting yourself first. If you think your relationship is salvageable then check out couples counseling. If not, get yourself a counselor, get your self esteem back up to the sky where it belongs, and get your life to a place that makes you happy. You don’t deserve to be treated like a door mat. Ever.


pinguthegreek

NTA until he gets a job. If you bring in the spondoolies, you can do that whatever way works for you. End of.


iloveesme

NTA If he was somewhere else, like a job, it wouldn’t bother him at all.


Supafly22

Lol. This can’t be real.


brian_sweeney13

Idk why your downvoted... I was thinking the same thing reading it.


Supafly22

No idea. It’s not even remotely believable. What person would believe they could possibly be an ah when they’re working from home as the sole provider?


MySquishyFishy

The only person working in that household is "too lazy to go to the office??" And you winning the bread is disturbing his reading? NTA. Please don't have children with this person. Crying babies are loud. Also, ask yourself if this is the life you want to live forever.


lihzee

NTA. He's unemployed and he's calling YOU lazy? Is there a reason he's not working? I would do the same, he can deal with it.


CommonSense07

Wait wait wait..... your UNEMPLOYED husband is calling you lazy because you are WORKING from home? Yeah huge NTA.


ebs9

Troll


7eregrine

Agree. This cannot be real... **or** this person is mentally unstable to even think this is normal behavior.


mavethpersonified

NTA. If your husband has such a problem with hearing you at work I suggest he finds himself a job, so he won't be at home for 8 or so hours.


drekiaa

NTA: Your unemployed husband is upset that he can hear you working in the other room while he's *reading*? He can put headphones in if he's that bothered, or go to a different space in the home. If you want to work from home, then work from home.