Aita for refusing to drive my friends room mate to work everyday even though I work in the same area?
By - cutTendon
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I think I might be the asshole because I'm only really saying no because my friends roomate ghosted me for no reason, and I know helping her won't be an inconvenience for me.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I mean, if B can't reach out and ask for this favor herself despite having your contact info, let alone respond to other messages reliably, there's no reason to expect this is going to work out well even without the relationship complications.
Maybe, but OP, if you actually like this girl and thought that there could be a connection you never know what the situation is. And spending two hours a day together one-on-one in an intimate confined space isn't the worst way to get to know somebody. Why don't you say that you'll try it for three days and see how it goes.
Edit: meaning maybe the benefit of the doubt was that she did have a nice time as you suspected but the timing was just off or maybe there is something else going on in her life. She's obviously comfortable getting the ride so maybe try it one time and just see. You don't have to commit to the whole time. Obviously not in a predatory or inappropriate way. I just think this world will be better off if people gave the benefit of the doubt more often.
You really never know.
I might be a little hasty here with this call, but saying that he should do it so that she can be trapped in a car with him for 10 hours a week while he shoots his shot, after having already missed, sounds like a recipe for awkward at best and a little predatory at worst.
Exactly. Its predatory, creepy, and awkward.
I hear you but I meant more like if it sounded like there might have been a mutual connection but it just didn't work out sometimes you never know what's going on. Maybe it was bad timing. Maybe there was other stuff going on in her life. If she's comfortable with it in the first place and it would be a nice thing to do if you try it one time and just see.
Or maybe she's not interested and just needs a ride to and from work. If timing was off, life happened, etc then she more then likely would've said something especially now since she needs a favor from OP.
This is the worst dating advice ever OP, do not listen to it lol
Even though it'll be nicer of you to help out, you are not obligated to. Also, you'll have to spend time with her every working day, morning and evening, while commuting and it doesn't seem like you'd be keen on that. There's no reason for you to have to put yourself through that.
NTA. It's your car and your choice. If you don't feel comfortable driving her, it's your decision. She doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe her anything.
NTA - Driving someone who is not your friend in the morning for 1 hour? Thats a no. This time is perfect for your own chill time before work.
NTA. I hated driving long distance to work. Used to do a 78km/1hr drive each way and the only thing that made it somewhat enjoyable was the quiet time I got to myself to listen to music/wake the fuck up in the mornings and decompress/rant like a crazy person on the way back
I would go totally insane having to share the journey with anyone even someone I liked, you’re saving yourself 2 1/2 hours a day of awkwardness by saying no. Dude so not the asshole!!!
You don’t owe this person anything. Just because it’s a “nice” thing to do doesn’t mean you have to do it. Especially when it’s not “nice” to you. The fact that you’re here means it’s bothering you. Trust your gut. Say no. Not the asshole!
NTA - she only talked to you because she needs something from you. Your friend can take her to work if she is that worried.
NTA you are under no obligation to drive someone if you don’t want to. She can be inconvenienced and travel to work via public transit while her car is being repaired. It might take longer but it’s doable. No need to apologize or explain. Just say no.
"so I thought things were going nowhere." - They were - until she needed a driver. And they will go nowhere again as soon as her transportation problem is solved.
She just wants a driver - no obligation for you.
NTA She only came back because you have something she can benefit from. TA is your friend-who already knows you were ghosted but still had the nerve to ask, and the girl who ghosted you to only came back cos she doesn’t wanna take the bus. Is she also gonna pitch in for upkeep of the car since you’d be driving more miles because of her? Besides you never know how long it’ll take her to get her car fixed or a new one. Plus it’s your car. You decide who can and cannot have access to your vehicle. She just doesn’t want the hassle of public transportation but if you weren’t there at all, she would have to suck it up and deal with public trans.
NTA - You don't have the obligation to do that however
1) Making allies in life can often come in handy. What if YOUR car breaks down some day?
2) Free fuel
3) You might get the opportunity to talk this through (no romance involved) and understand why you appeared as unattractive to her at some point, which might lead to a better future dating life?
I don't think you're an AH at all but I think you're not seeing this from the right angle
INFO: did she literally ghosted your or just didn't seem to put much effort to hang with you?
In which way does this impact a verdict?
Not trying to be mean, just a genuine question.
If you can help a fellow human out and it literally means no extra work or time, you should. That's a pretty basic "how to be kind" rule. The only exception would be if the other person was rude/mean to you. If she really ghosted OP that would have been rude and mean. But it seems like she didn't, that she just wasn't into OP as a romantic partner. In that case, I honestly think the awkwardness is something they both can endure (and perhaps even become friends). I don't think OP would be the AH if they don't drive her, it's OPs choice, but if she didn't ghost them it would be pretty unkind. If she did ghost them and now is asking for a favor through another friend then she's the AH.
OP: a car usually doesn't take that long to be be fixed. A couple weeks tops. If she didn't ghost you, take the high rode and drive her. Be kind.
Time isn’t the only factor here.
It means over 2 hours each day stuck in a car with someone who doesn’t really want to talk to him. It severely limits what he can do to entertain himself, he now can’t listen to podcasts or sing along to music at the top of his lungs or anything else like that. Leaving work is no longer relaxing, he now has to sit in awkward silence for over an hour with someone who didn’t even have the decency to reject him outright.
As I said he wouldn't be an AH for not wanting to do it. The kind thing would be to help her out tho. Even though we're not required to be kind all the time and prioritizing your mental health to being kind is understandable and right. But I do believe what I said
I think you’re overestimating what kindness is. Kind would be an extra 10 minutes, or an hour with some he liked. It’s not just “kind” to spend 2 hours a day trapped in a car with someone who doesn’t particularly like with. It’s would be ridiculously above and beyond kindness to drive this woman for weeks.
Fair enough on the general idea, that's what I assumed.
I'd assume that either way he'd be uncomfortable with this person, and to ask them to spend 4 hours of their day stuck in a small metal box, seated, with this person, would be an inconvenience, if not downright unpleasant. I would say it goes beyond just holding a door open or grabbing an extra drink/snack for someone, which is more what I'd equate to what you said.
But I do also concede this comes from a person who was a doormat for most of my life, and only recently dug myself out of that, so I'm a little more gung ho about not doing stuff for people without an obligation or expectation.
It's a pretty long commute. That's a lot of emotional/social energy to use up. Some people need their quiet time and their space to prepare for the day.
And that's ok
If that person doesn't want to expend that energy, they don't have to.
Exactly, it's ok
I would not be interested in spending two hours a day trapped in a car with someone who clearly doesn't want to be around me so much that they lack the basic human decency to say "I don't see this working out." If OP doesn't rate that basic courtesy, why would he want to spend two hours a day with her?
I was wondering this too. OP could have just asked her if she was busy or didn't actually want to hang out. I've done it, it isn't the end of the world. And you can do it over text, so it isn't like you have to actually talk to them.
NTA. I agree with your thinking and would do the exact same thing. Ghosting someone is " burning your bridges. " It's a small world you never know when you may have interactions with them again. She burnt her bridge. These are just the consequences of that action. The saying goes you can't cry over spilt milk.
Does A know she ghosted you?
As that might change her tune a bit - or she could get on B\`s case to ask why she was so needlessly rude and so on..
But - even if she were an angel on a mission for Glod - that is irrelevant - your car, you decide.
Radio silent until she needs something from you. I'm sorry it don't work that way. I'd be the same way and not give them a ride. If you do give her a ride once she doesn't need you anymore she will be gone.
NTA ya its petty but ghosting someone also rude so its balance out? 🤷♂️
NTA - I'm on the team with everyone who really thinks the fact that a person who knows you and has your contact info couldn't reach out and ask you HERSELF is it's own red flag.
The ghosting is meh, the "missed connection" aspect is meh. It's the whole thing about asking via proxy that is kinda strange.
I mean, I'd consider it, because this is a person you liked enough that you thought you could have a relationship with, which I presume to mean you enjoy their company and could even be friends, so it might all work out fine. But you aren't OBLIGATED.
NTA...but consider how TEMPORARILY helping her out would make it clear that you are the bigger person who doesn't give that much of a f.
And she might definitely be an AH...If I ghosted someone I'd feel too awkward asking for favors. But, of course, whether or not she's an AH isn't gonna be your problem going forward.
NTA. SO, a girl ghosted you, which means she didn't have the decency to even tell you that she didn't want to keep going out with you... now said girl is in a pickle and needs a daily ride. I'd think you'd be the LAST person to feel any obligation to take her anywhere. I mean, if she'd done the decent thing and communicated with you, or still tried to stay friends, maybe, but you weren't worth her time then, why would she be worth your time now?
Everyone who says "be kind" or "be the bigger person": This gal went radio silent on the guy, no explanation, then wrecks her car and suddenly comes sidling back for rides to and from work? Um, yeah, no. That kind of behavior shines a light on the character of this gal; you're good enough until something better comes along and/or she can \*use\* you for something until she doesn't need it anymore.
That is very entitles, selfish and a red flag warning for "gold digger".
Benefit of the doubt, maybe she has a lot going on and just had no time or personal resources left to contact him with an explanation. Being a dialysis patient and a field tech, I literally have zero time or energy to expend on anything or anyone outside of my own support circle. I don't date or "hang out" with anyone outside of my support system. Because, I could, but then the first time get put in the hospital and don't call or text, then feelings get hurt and I have to expend even more energy trying to explain why. For example, there's this guy I was going to go get his computer set up yesterday. Instead, I was in the ER for 12 hours, then admitted because my dialysis access clotted off, which meant surgery and an unknown number of days in-patient. I had to postpone it once; this time around, he was rather frosty about it, and the fact that I did not answer my phone right away. I was thinking "Dude, I am NOT charging you for setting up your brand new computer, nor did I charge you for the laptop I let you use while you were getting a new computer. Seriously, WTF?" Maybe she's got a lot of personal and work crap overwhelming her and it turned her into someone wo forgot her manners.
Point being, he doesn't have to do it. No obligation, as a couple of commenters said. But, it is absolutely \*WRONG\* to try to make him feel sorry for her, "be nice", "be kind", "it's only a couple of weeks". That, IMO, is basically victimizing a person by gently shaming them into something they do not want to do. It's inherently abusive and manipulative; you do not get to do that to people, period.
As for the OP: You could do something like call this girl up and say "So, I am not going to be able to give you a ride while your car is getting fixed. I just wanted to find out why you stopped returning my texts and hanging out. I figure it was something I said or did, so I'd really like to know so that I don't accidentally offend anyone else I really like, you know?" As far as "being the bigger person" goes, this demonstrates that you had enough character to answer her \*directly\*, not through her roommate AND that you are open to other people's thoughts and opinions.
But, absolutely, under no circumstances, let yourself be "gently" coerced into giving her the ride(s). That "gentle" wheedling, whining and/or coercion is \*BULLYING\*, and those doing it to you are NOT your friends.
Saying "No" is the best thing you can do to provide yourself with a methodology of self-care. Because by the time those couple of weeks are over, I guarantee you would be a stressed out mess. It would \*HURT\* you, even if you or others think it wouldn't.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Doing this for my friend would in no way impact my travel time to and from work, however I'm choosing not to and my friend's calling me an ass for it.
I work 70kms or about 1 hour and 10 minutes from home, I leave my house at 6.30-7 weekdays and come home between 5.30-7pm. Taking public transport would take you about 4 to 5 hours due to the lack of transport to the area.
My(m20s) friend A(F20s)et me up on a blind date with her roommate B(F20s), we've hung put a bunch of times, (she told me she works in the same area as me/Also used to live in the area) I thought things were going well, however she never replies to wanting to hang out since and hasn't put any effort into hanging out, so I thought things were going nowhere. It's been like 2 weeks now and she crashed her car. My friend asked me the other day if I would be willing to drive her to work for a little while, while her car gets repaired, her friend offered to walk to my house in the morning so I wouldn't have to get up any earlier and she lives on the way home from work so dropping her off wouldn't be an inconvenience. She also offered to pay for fuel.
Now, im choosing not to because of how things between us suddenly ended, I really liked B, I thought this could turn into a serious relationship, but out of nowhere she just ghosted me, but didn't block me. I can see she's still going out from Social media. It left a pretty bad taste in mouth Considering she couldn't even let me down and I feel kinda disrespected.
I could do this nice thing for her to help her out, but she couldnt leave me the courtesy of telling me it's not working out. It's pretty but IDC.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. You choose who rides with you. Period.
Even if she offered to pay for gas and to walk to you, you're not obliged.
NTA - she ghosted you, let her use Uber or Lyft. She doesn't even have the courtesy to ask you herself cause she knows she ghosted you in a shitty fashion.
NTA. Regardless of if yall have history or not its your car, time, and energy being used so you get to decides who gets it.
Also the drive to and from work will more than likely be awkward.
NTA…The friends roommate can’t be bothered to ask for herself, after she blew op off socially…but has no issue using op’s friend to negotiate a deal so she doesn’t have to be impositioned from wrecking her own car. She can rent a car while hers in being repaired.
NTA. Don't you hate it when you leave someone hanging, ignore their texts, leave them wondering what the hell went wrong, and then you crash your car and have to ask them a giant FAVOR??? SHE'S the A-hole. She ghosted you, then un-ghosted you 'cause she needs something. Talk about nerve.
YTA - It isn't nice to be ghosted, but after a short period of time, I don't think I blame someone for doing it. And as she didn't block you, I don't think this is even really ghosting, you could have asked her what was going on. I remember kind of dating someone who was a bit evasive so I just asked if they were actually interested in going out again or not. They weren't, that was easy.
She could have asked herself, but as things were a bit awkward maybe she asked her room mate so you wouldn't feel like you were on the spot.
You don't have to do it, but it seems like you are jealous and more interested in being angry and blaming her, rather than finding out why it didn't work. I don't know what you mean by "hanging out" but I wouldn't consider that a date and I'm not sure I would think that that was a serious relationship. MAybe you came on too strong ro she she was never that interested, which you could have tried to found out rather than looking at her socials and feeling angry and "disrespected".
NAH you are petty af though
NTA, but be the bigger person and extend her some undeserved grace
As much as I'd like to be an ass, I'm gonna do it anyway.
No don't. You don't owe anyone anything.
DOn't do it. It will only lead to a lot of work for you, and to much grief.
Also it wilöl be a lot of waiting for her - you certainly won't work exactly the same times every day.
NAH - but if you did give her a ride to work, there's plenty of time to chat and find out why she never messaged back.
Nah, it's your right to say no but it doesn't make you seem like the kindest person or most cordial.
She didn't do anything horrible to you. Sometimes dating doesn't work out. You don't know the story from the other side.
If I were you I would probably still give her a ride since her offer is very reasonable.
He is also not doing anything horrible to her.
He is just not driving her to work every day.
also it should not be just gas, but half of the real cost - depreciation of the car, other costs, his extra time, ...
Soft YTA You have the right to say no, but it is a dick move since she offered to pay for the fuel and it isn't extra work for you
I mean, it would be extra emotional work for OP here. It's somebody that just ghosted them, who's only coming to them now that they need something. Actually, it's not even the person that ghosted them that's asking for the favor, that person is having another person ask OP on their behalf, despite having all of OP's contact info and all of that.
So yeah, while OP would get paid for fuel and it's not an extra bit of driving for them, it will be an uncomfortable situation, and potentially a bigger hassle when B has to work late, or doesn't show up to their place on time, or any other dozen complications that may arise.