AITA for getting my brother’s friend banned from the house
By - throwawayahphone
"Ah yes, the consequences of my own actions." He has shown a pattern of rudeness to you, and he was a guest at your family home. If he didn't want to be banned, he should've been a better guest.
If anyone said that to my sister, I would verbally tear that guy to pieces and kick him out myself.
I don’t get along with my sisters most of the time (I have three) but if anyone said that to one of them, I would destroy that person. No matter if we were fighting.
Exactly. Siblings can fight like cats and dogs amongst themselves, but no one else has the right to insult my sibs.
"I'm the only one who gets to call my sibling a dumbass."
when my sis is sick im a literal servant and when shes not we just insult eachother
This is the way
Growing up an only child did not prepare me for that with my kids. They will literally put a fight with each other on hold to completely destroy anyone who comes at their sibling. It’s hilarious.
Yeah, that's me and my sister as well.
Yeah this is true. As much as I argue with my siblings, if anyone made them uncomfortable, I’d obliterate them.
This reminds of the time when my younger sis was 7 & she came with mom to pick me up from school. Now we were two 14 yrs old punks messing around and she knew my bff as well but when she saw that my bff slapped me real hard on my back as a joke, sis immediately slapped her on her back as a reflex. Seriously I didn't even get to see my sis beat her up cause i was bent over laughing & in pain and but it sure did echo & then proceeded to say DO NOT TOUCH MY SISTER. She really thought i was being bullied and came over with her tiny ass body to beat someone double herself. The courage, the anger and the love.
Yeah, I was the special needs kid growing up, and some of my brothers friends bullied me when he wasn't around. He caught them bullying me at home once, and suddenly I never saw those kids again, ever.
My brother doesn't even like me but you just... don't let your siblings get bullied like that.
My niece got in trouble at school for beating up a kid twice her size for bullying my nephew, who uses a wheelchair.
My brother reported that the school officials had a hard time with this, as everyone was pretty much on my niece’s side—there were adult witnesses for most of the incident. There was a struggle between congratulating her and finding a suitable consequence for her actions, as they couldn’t really condone kids fighting on school grounds.
And the bully’s father was totally disgusted with his son for letting a *girl* who was two grades younger than him hit him.
Self defense classes for elementary school girls are useful.
If I heard anyone say that to a stranger, I'd tear them apart. The brother sucks
You\`re a better person than me.
Right? As soon as I read the title I bet to myself that he got himself banned. And I was right: he was banned entirely due to his own actions.
OP, you are NTA. It is not your duty to put up with verbal abuse in order to protect someone from the consequences of their own actions. Just as importantly, you have every right to be comfortable and not be harassed in your own home and your parents are just enforcing an extremely low bar of expectations for guests.
The friend knew what he was saying was inappropriate, because he censored himself while mom was there. His rude comments only came out when unsupervised.
OP is absolutely NTA for standing up for themselves.
NTA. You don't have to be handicapped to accidentally drop some food. A bit clumsy is all that's needed really. He was way out of line and your brother should have told him that right then and there and had him apologize. Didn't happen. He played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
NTA. I hope your brother can reflect on what happened and realized that his friend is an A H. Not just rude, but really a huge A H. I wonder how come they’re friends.
They play a lot of video games together
Hopefully when your brother grows up a bit, he’ll realise how wrong he is for prioritising his friend over you, and develop some empathy.
Oh, Great! So they can play games...In SEPARATE houses. Your Brother's friend is a dick and I wish mildly harsh conditions on him. Fucking asshole. But you're NTA in anyway.
You can just say “low standards.”
Maybe explain that r*d is a slur and is way worse than a curse like fuck
Absolutely NTA. You should feel safe, secure and comfortable in your home and this guy affects those requirements.
If your brother thinks it's no big deal and your mother dealt with it, then I'm not sure what the problem is.
Yes, your brother may hang out with him elsewhere, but I'm going to guess the guy is not going to ever be his best friend. Sometimes you try on a new friend and they don't fit.
My brother and him are pretty close, and my brother is really pissed at me for telling my mom what happened
How about he be pissed at his friend for being rude to his sibling??
That guy was pushing. He wanted to see what he could get away with.
he's pissed at the wrong person. and that's your house, you deserve to feel comfortable there. any guests that happen to come over need to conduct themselves respectfully or they're gone. don't feel bad about it, you did the right thing.
NTA and shame on your brother for not telling off his friend.
Nta. Who hasn't accidentally dropped food on occasion?
I’m pretty sure I drop food every time I eat lmao. With the occasional “oh goddamnit, I just spilled an entire bottle of iced tea in my lap”
I cannot count how many times I’ve spilled drinks or food down my own shirt and yelled “son of a bitch!” during meals. I am so glad our dining room isn’t carpeted anymore
I started keeping a spare pair of jeans at work because I had one too many times where I spilled a drink all over myself lmfao.
It makes me feel much better that my boss will knock her coffee over once in a while too
Honestly there have been times where I’ve found random chips or crumbs in my bra and I go… am I REALLY this messy when I eat?
Omg yeah I often find melted chocolate in my bra and I don’t even wear low cut tops 🤣
LOL so glad I’m not the only one!
My whole family is like it, the clan joke is that we "have a drinking problem".
My dog sits at my feet when I'm eating because he knows who's the food dropper in the house!
I have a designated tea towel that’s basically my bib cause of the amount of times I drop food on myself, let alone the surrounding area 😂
I have ruined TWO of my favorite tops by dripping on them (taco grease is so insidious!) and not checking to be sure the stains came out before tumble-drying.
Brother's friend is WAY out of line!
I don’t consider it a meal unless food has been dropped
Half the food I try my best to eat, ends up on the floor. I don't think there's any mental disability, but I can guarantee you my brother would put the "friends" head through the table if he said that to me. My mom wouldn't need to ban anyone. OP's brother is just as much an AH as his "friend".
NTA. Flat out ask your brother though why he would want to be friends with someone who is aha you so horrible. ask in front of your parents. Let him squirm.
He’s already told me it’s not a big deal and that I shouldn’t take everything so personally
Well damn. I thought he had at least a bit of a heart. I’m so sorry, dear. 🥺
Oof starting to think the brother is more of an asshole than I originally thought...
He’s one of Those Gamers, from the sound of it.
Sadly, I’m related to one of those too. Making rude “jokes” at the expense of certain groups of people (women, minorities, disabled people, etc) is how they bond with each other. It also alienates them from people outside the group (for predictable reasons) and creates a very us-vs-them mentality, where only their gaming comrades “understand” them and make them feel good about themselves. Everyone else is just too uptight and sensitive and “PC” to get their version of humor.
Sometimes they grow out of it. Sometimes.
This reads an awful lot like an incel.
There’s some overlap for sure, some of these guys do go down that path. But most of them stay in the outer ring of the Empathy Challenged Young Men Club. Some even manage to get girlfriends, although the relationships aren’t exactly happy ones. They don’t really know how to relate to people outside this group of gamer buddies, and are too scared and insecure to really try.
They really can grow out of it. My middle brother used to be one of those. We’re very close now and he realized he was a little shit when we were younger haha.
Well he's wrong as it was clearly a very personal attack against you. You did the right thing telling your mom, always tell her if something like that happens.
Your brother and his idiot friend are TA, not you.
So you shouldn’t take the fact this asshole called you a slur personally?? Yeah no. Your brother is also a dick for this. And yes I do think the R word is definitely a slur.
How are you supposed to take it when it's clear the guy tailored it to you personally? Schrodinger's douche, I mean it till some one calls me out then it's a joke🙄
NTA. Even if it was some off handed/colored comment born from awkwardness, which we all do, a decent person would apologize for regardless.
Tell bro it's not a big deal the guy can't come over any more he shouldn't take it so personally
Stealing the concept of Schrodinger's Douche.
That and strategic incompetence are 2 of my favorite phrases!
Tell him he also shouldn't take everything personally and just deal with not being able to bring his friend over. That your need of feeling comfortable at your own home is more important.
NTA. That kid is a prick and you don’t need him in your house.
"Snitching" is a word used by people who want to get away with shit without any consequences. Your brother shouldn't expect you to keep secrets from your mother.
And NEVER accept that kind of behavior from people. There is never a reasonable excuse for it.
\^ This \^
It's pure abusive behavior being enabled by the brother's abusive behavior. I feel sorry that this was done to OP
Your brother needs better friends than an ableist who uses that word.
.... He called you a slur, u ironically, in your own house.
NTA. This is YOUR home and he is a guest. Your mom owns the house and understands that this wasn’t okay. Your brother might not think it’s a big deal, but his opinion doesn’t matter as it didn’t apply to him. I’m sorry they did that to you
Nah, NTA. The friend is an asshole.
NTA, your brother should have kicked that dudes teeth in.
Who uses the R word anymore? Good for you for being able to express things that upset you to your mom. Your brother can lay off. You did nothing wrong, his friend did.
I was at a basketball game this weekend when a dad (from our team) yelled it at his daughter while she was on the court playing in a game.
I also taught several fifth grade students last year who would say it constantly. I was surprised to be hearing it.
That's just sad. 😮💨
NTA, you deserve to feel safe, at all times.
If he’s being a prick for shits and giggles, then he’s a bad person.
F that kid, and your brother should have kicked him out after that
If a had a friend over and they called my sister that we’d be throwing hands and that dude would not be welcome in my home anymore. You’re NTA
Ask your brother if you were to call him that word in front of others how he would feel
If he doesn’t yet understand the problem, he can just stay mad
My brother was desperate for friends growing up and it sucked to deal with some of the losers he associated with, who tried to cause trouble with all of us siblings
Your brother is a disappointment. He is TA. Even more than the his ableist friend.
It's heart breaking when your own family doesn't have empathy. They really refuse to face the fact that not everyone is the same and how hurtful and damaging some things can be.
Edit: making him learn abt the ablein through history might help him grasp the concept maybe.
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NTA, and fuck that guy. What a total, reprehensible arsehole. Also your brother is really dropping the ball here; hope he sees sense and makes up for not sticking up for you
If I ever meet someone new or am meeting a family member of someone new, The last thing I want to do is have anything I've said taken the wrong way. This kid gave zero fucks about that and wanted to just have fun with your brother at your expense.
Is it that big of a deal to get someone banned from your house? No not really. You’re brother should have stood up for you or better stand up for yourself. You will come across a lot of a holes in life and need to learn how to deal with them instead of going to mommy or government
You're NTA, and pass my congratulations on to your mom for her effective response.
But she does need to have a long, difficult talk with your brother. Being a bystander, letting your bros off the hook, is all part of rape culture. He needs to learn a lot of skills, and he's late learning them.
NTA. He got himself banned from the house, and your mom is a good mom for not putting up with his attitude. He didn't treat you well from what you wrote, in fact he sounds like a total AH.
NTA but wow your brother is. I would be so pissed if someone said that about my siblings, and we barely get along
NTA. Dont sweat it. your brother has other friends. You are doing him a favor. If you were my brother I would have pounded that guy and tossed him out!
NTA. What an asshole!
NTA. If I knew who he was, I'd ban him from my house too.
NTA. I know you’re trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he chose to do all those things and I have no doubt it would only get more harassing if he was continued to be allowed over.
This sounds so similar to a situation I lived, only difference being the things they picked on me for weren’t being disabled. And for a long time I let things go, and let my brothers friends away with the abuse I endured. It wasn’t until the finale straw, where one of them took a selfie of mine that was saved on my laptop (I let one of them borrow mine to play games since their was broken) and labeled everything “wrong” with me and all the things that “”made me ugly”. They’ve said some of the most horrendous things to me, and I can guarantee you that if you had just “let it go” it would only get worse. I endured a lot for a long time until that instance and my parents banned my brothers 2 friends since they wouldn’t own up. Good on you for standing up for yourself, and continue to. Hopefully soon your brother will realize he’s wrong for not standing with you as well.
NTA - he called you a slur and you mentioned it to your mother. How is the person being bullied supposed to respond to an implied threat without calling attention to the words and the actions?
You gave your mother an opportunity to protect you and your brother is cruel for thinking words don't have power.
NTA, your brothers new friend doesn’t pass the vibe check.
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I live with my brother and mom. My brother has a pretty expansive group of friends and they come over pretty often. I’m also physically disabled but mentally more or less fine for now, and pretty much all of my brother’s friends have met me and are aware of that and they’re pretty chill. Recently there’s been another guy he’s been hanging out with that my brother seems to like a lot, but has been giving me weird vibes since I met him. The first time he came over he kept making comments about my chair and they weren’t necessarily bad or mean but it was just awkward, but people are awkward sometimes and that alone isn’t really that weird. He also asked my brother what was wrong with me, like in front of me, which again isn’t like the end of the world but is kind of rude.
The next few times I was just doing my own thing so we didn’t interact. But then this weekend he came over to play games with my brother and my mom wasn’t there for a bit so my brother ordered takeout for his friends and me. My brother was mostly playing in his room and I was doing schoolwork in my room but he came down for food with his friends so we could eat in the kitchen together. I dropped some food while I was eating, not intentionally and his friend looked over at me and asked if I was retarded or something. I didn’t react in the moment aside from kind of an awkward laugh, but when my mom came home I told her about it and now he’s not allowed over anymore. My brother thinks it’s not a big deal and that I shouldn’t have snitched but I think he should have better friends. And they’re still allowed to meet he just can’t come to the house. AITA for snitching and getting him banned
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NTA. Snitching is when you tell things to authoritarian / facist government about your neighbours from a minority, not when you advocate for your own rights.
NTA is the friend is for being rude to you and your brother is for not standing up to him. How old is your brother?
NTA I have 2 older brothers and we fought all the time and teased each other. But if anyone else said something like that to me they would have gotten their butt kicked by my brothers. I think your brother should be banned too!
NTA. Never worry about covering for someone mistreating you.
He will hopefully learn that being disrespectful to people does NOT pay dividends...
In other words, fudge that kid it's his own fault, you're NTA
NTA. Brother needs to step up. He can't be bringing people into your home who are going to be ableist to your face. Ideally they would not be ableist at all but OMG right to your face?!
NTA - you should be made to feel uncomfortable or disrespected in your own home.
NTA. The R word is an awful word and more people need to take seriously how wrong it is to use it.
NTA: you didn't snitch, you pointed out his douchebaggery as it needed to be.
NTA. Your brother is TA.
NTA. You didn't get your brother's friend banned. Your brother's friend's shitty actions did.
NTA. And you have the right to not have to deal with that jackass in your own home.
nta- i;m not sure if you and your brother are close or not but close or not i don't see any reason for him to want to be friends with a person who disrespects his sister like that.
Everyone accidentally drops food at some point or another. It sounds like he just wanted an excuse to be a jerk to you, considering he was going out of his way to ask rude questions directly in front of you. NTA. Good riddance to him.
You don't have to live with that disrespect in your own home.
NTA. Kind of ironic that this guy comes across as challenged for repeatedly asking what was wrong with you, if you were retarded, etc. I do suspect he knew what he was doing, and did it to undermine your presence in your own home. Your brother is pathetic for not standing up for you. Thank goodness your Mom put her foot down.
NTA. This just sucks all around. Dude can get fucked
NTA she made being a bridesmaid, which is supposed to be an a fun privilege and symbol of respect become a chore and financial/emotional drain
NTA. Your brother is an asshole. A decent brother - even a neutral brother - should’ve beat the shit out of that friend and told him if he ever laid eyes on him again it’s be the end of him.
NTA. A tighty whitey stain would be a better person than your brothers ‘Friend’.
NTA. No one is allowed to say that word around me (22F), even older adults. My boyfriend's best friend is a fan of the word and I shame each and every time he uses it. I would have washed his mouth out with soap if I heard that.
For context I have a few questions. (More clarifying then anything else) 1. What age is the kid and two is the kid into you in a romantic way but is too immature to act appropriately on those feelings so instead says the most asinine thing possible to get attention NTA
Yuh anyone who says the R slur wouldn’t be allowed in my house either. Your brother sucks big time for inviting a person who has made you uncomfortable into your home more than once. Things don’t have to be a ‘big deal’ to take issue.
NTA. First, it is your mother's house and she gets to decide who steps foot in it. If she decided to ban him because you said he smelled funny, it still wouldn't be your fault because it's her prerogative. As it really was, she did right by you by saying anyone who disrespects you is personona non grata. This should extend to your brother as well, if I'm being honest.
Second, you are in no way required to accept rude and derogatory remarks to allow for offensive people to be comfort in their poor behavior. In an ideal world, a moment like this would be the impetus for self-reflection on the part of your brother's friend and he takes steps toward self-improvement. Sadly, people who feel comfortable about asking "what's wrong with her" right in front of "her" or asking said person to her face if she's retarded are often so far gone that it will take much more, if anything. Time will tell on that one. But at this moment, you are definitely NTA.
NTA. You don't deserve to be disrespected in your home.
NTA and if you were my sibling I would of thrown him out my house myself .. that is rude and that is offensive...
You know, I once thought the word [email protected] wasn't offensive, but now that I read this post.
I changed my mind, Nta
NTA, your brother's friend is a douche.
NTA. Dude has the perfect ability to apologize and promise to be respectful. Likely had any number of opportunities already. If there's an issue, it's caused by his unwillingness to swallow his pride and just be decent.
I'm telling you this as a gay guy that grew up around discrimination. 90% of it happens casually. A friend making an off remark. An uncle ranting privately about races. A bus driver skipping you and your black friend, just for your friend to tell you it happens to him daily.
Your mom is right to protect you. We have to make an active effort to combat discrimination. You were being discriminated. And it likely won't be the last time. You'll have to make a similar effort later in life to protect yourself or get stuck with people who casually disrespect you like you're the issue.