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>"You should have half of the money, you deserve it" > >John tells me that's not what they wanted to talk about but that they wanted all of the money. ​ What. The. FUCK. You offered an equal split and she went, "Nope, I want it all," and is trying to pull out every emotionally manipulative tool in the book to get what she wants. Seems she turned out more like her mother than she'd like to admit. You're NTA, and you should just flat-out tell her that if either her or John bring up wanting more than half ever again they'll get nothing.


IVF is crazy expensive too and unfortunately, it doesn't always work. OP, what would happen if you hypothetically give Ella the money and the IVF doesn't work?? I still think you're NTA since she's entitled to half and you're entitled to yours as well


Legally, Ella is entitled to nothing, so this kind of fuckery is just something else.


I missed the bit at the end where Ella is saying her and her husband's relationship is rocky and want to try again for that reason... OP, do not give her the money. Children should never be used as a way to stabilise a rocky relationship. Edit: thank you for the awards!


You have a point...Thank you for pointing that out.


My Aunty and uncle had a “make up” baby after being separated for 5 years. It did not solve their dysfunctional relationship and at one point the child even stated to his father he thought he hated him. Babies don’t fix problems they add stress to strained relationships. If they’re already rocky the last thing you want is to punish a child by making them the magic problem fixer.


I cannot imagine being in a rocky relationship and thinking, "I should add a lack of sleep and hormonal surge tho this mix!"


The scary thing is this thinking is so common, we did some premarital counseling with our church and one thing they were very clear on was to make sure we understood if we were having problems that a baby will absolutely not solve them. Our mentor couple actually strongly advised we wait a minimum of a year before even trying for a baby because there’s so many adjustments anyway when you are newly married that throwing hormones and medical concerns in isn’t helping. And after struggling with infertility (we did ivf but we’re lucky our insurance covered it and it only took one try to have success) and then a long nicu stay I can honestly say I’ve seen either of those things alone (infertility or long nicu stay) destroy marriages that were described as “strong” “healthy” “happy” “functioning.” Going in. One mom found herself homeless living in her car by the time baby was ready to come home because her significant other buckled under the weight of the nicu and left never to be seen or heard from again (presumably). Of course no one thinks going in any of these things will happen to *them,* obviously it’s an “other people” problem 1 in 8 couples will experience infertility of some sort (can be primary or secondary) 1 in 10 babies are born prematurely (before week 37 of pregnancy) 1 in 100 babies are born with a congenital heart defect And it’s easy to write off those of us who had pregnancy and birth horror stories as “unhealthy” or something, but the majority of time there was absolutely nothing mom did “wrong” it “just happened” to happen to *her.* and she was no less healthy than the person next to her who had a healthy pregnancy and baby. That’s the thing that honestly makes it so insidious, it can happen to *anyone.*


My mother was a nurse and her mother worked a nurse for a gynecologist for 40 years. My mother has remarked "It's honestly amazing any healthy babies are born with everything that can just go wrong with no warning."


My mom had just done the mother/baby unit and was a recently graduated nurse when she got pregnant. She knew WAY TOO MUCH about what could go wrong, and was freaking out. My dad told her, "I don't know how, but healthy babies are born every day. Lots of them!"


Now we have the technology to fight for every life; or at least those that last long enough to approach viability. The rate of miscarriage, infant death, or hell even children not living to see ten was was very high compared to what we deem acceptable now. Obviously not so high that the human race died out but it is easy to lose perspective. I saw an ad for... I think it was St. Jude and they said they had a 20% rate of death for children with cancer (not in those exact words of course). I turned to look at my dad and said, "That means that 80% of them *survive* which is damn near miraculous considering where we were even ten or twenty years ago."


my parents separated when I was 2. babies do not fix marriages


Yeah I was 9 when the baby was born. His older brother was same age. So literally getting to the point where child is more independent and decide to start again with stress of trying to make relationship work. They were also desperate for girl and got second boy so there was a heap of disappointment because it wasn’t what they wanted.


Some parents (seems especially common among unhealthy ones) struggle more as the kids get older. The hardest part for them isn't the lack of sleep, or the other trials of small children... it's the kid becoming an individual, with their own wants and needs. When that's the case, they can decide having a new baby will fix things, because what they really want is someone to depend on them.


Or someone to focus on and build their lives around so they can't possibly focus on themselves, their relationship, what they want in life...


My mother did this. It worked so well that by the time my brother was 3 we had weekend visits with our dad.


I'm not certain, but giving the timing of my birth, I'm pretty sure I \*was\* a "welp, this isn't going well, let's have a kid" baby. Spoiler: they separated just after my 4th birthday.


My boyfriend (now husband) and I had an accidental pregnancy about 4 years into our relationship. Things were generally good and we wanted to be together, but we had some growing to do in general. Having a baby was the single most intense strain on our relationship we've ever experienced, and we went into it without pre-existing issues. I don't know why anyone would think adding something complicated like parenting and a whole other human into a relationship would fix it or make it easier.


My parents are the reason I believe in soul mates, they complete each other, and after 35 years, they still adore each other. They refer to the years that my 2 siblings and I were kids as "The Survival Years"


Right? Babies do not fix unstable relationships. I don't know why people are under that impression. My relationship with my husband was solid. I went into heart failure (peripartum cardiomyopathy) when I was in labor. Congestive freaking heart failure. Imagine what happens when a relationship is NOT solid and something traumatic af happens to the woman as a result of pregnancy. I couldn't imagine being in a rocky relationship only to be in the ICU like, "oh, I wonder if my husband is taking care of the baby or if he's pissed off at me for not being home?" Not to mention the years I have been living with the results of said heart failure. I'm not the person I was before I was pregnant and will never be "fully" recovered. If your partner isn't fully behind you and something awful happens, I can't imagine how fast that relationship is going to tank.


This! My husband and I tried for almost 2 years. If we weren't close, if we didn't have the communication necessary to fullfil our own needs and the baby's needs, we *wouldn't* have lasted. Babies add stress. Stress can lead to anger. It takes a team, a partnership, to raise a child.


For real! My long term relationship was healthy and stable. Then we had two children. That stress and the lack of sleep completely shattered what we had. I cannot fathom bringing children into something that already wasn’t even working. Luckily because we had a strong foundation we have been able to make our way back to friendship, and the kids are happy and thriving with two parents who are coparenting very well. If this can happen to people with stable relationships I just don’t for the life of me understand why someone with a rocky relationship would go, “oh I know! Let’s have a baby!!!!” 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️


The fact that you're giving her half is a very noble thing to do. There are a lot of people who would hog it for themselves, so good on you for being fair. You are NTA, you're looking after your family and helping your sister, and it sounds like you are running this by your husband as well, which means you care about his opinion despite the fact that it's your money and you can do what you wish with it regardless of his opinion. You're a good person and you're looking out for your child. Don't EVER feel guilty about that


Be careful with anything you "give" them if you are in the US. While there is no inheritance tax on estates smaller than 11.70 million, there are still gift taxes on anything over $15,000, which the person giving the gift has to pay. Assuming that you decide to split the inheritance with her, and assuming that her portion would be more than 15k, you need to gift it to them over the course of several years.


Yes, a financial planner’s or lawyer’s advice would be helpful here.


There is a tax loophole for medical...BUT the OP would have to pay the $ to the medical provider directly, and the $ cannot pass through OP sister's hands.


A point I'd like to share, although it being a bit on the a-hole side, is that if even if giving her half will cause her to still resent you then go the Monty as it were and give nothing. Use all the money to set up your daughter as you want. Anything short of the whole amount is the price of her resenting you so you're in a lose-lose situation. Take the loss that at least benefits you and yours.


My cousin is a "let's make it work" baby, spoiler alert, it didn't work. He was young enough not to remember the breakup, but his older sister wasn't and she's still struggling because of it. It's a mess. Don't let her guilt you into it, make-up babies just make everything worse for everyone involved


I do want to KINDLY point out that there are other options for them if you do decide to not give them any of YOUR money, OP. Starbucks offers to pay for the full cost of IVF for PART TIME employees, they also can adopt a foster child for free- which could be an extremely fulfilling experience given the childhood you both had to endure. You are NTA, you tried to do the right thing!


You are offering to make your sister whole, in that you are offering her what she would have received if there had never been a falling out. But that is not good enough for her? So if she had received her half, she would be demanding that you give up yours as well? This is outrageous behavior on your sister's part. You are being more than generous and she is trying to take advantage of you. The agreement was that you would make sure that you children did not want as you two did. Now, she wants to take that away? You are NTA. Can't say the same about your sister and her husband though..................


Research shows that even good relationships have a hard time adjusting after children are born.


Just to drive the point home, here's the [worst best Onion article of all time.](https://www.theonion.com/autistic-child-ruins-marriage-he-was-born-to-save-1819571355)


This!! All other AHOlery aside. Whether not having kids is the cause of a rocky relationship or a result of it - a kid should NOT be born to fix a relationship either way. I’m not even going to touch the rest of their AHoliness. You’re such a wonderful sister, OP - you offered half and saw your sister’s pain. I’m sorry that you both went though what you did, and may no one have parents who deny their kids’ very identities like this But you’re so NTA!!


Thank you so much for your sweet words. It brings me relief to see this support so thank you


Please be aware of the tax implications for what you intend to give your sister, and talk to a financial planner. If this gift is more than 15k, there are tax ramifications. If your sister can't appreciate your gift I would suggest waiting for day when she can. You are under no obligation to share your inheritance with ANYONE including your husband as long as you have not comingled funds in the marital account.


The only ramification is that the gift has to be reported to the IRS if the gift is more than $15K in a year. There are no taxes until one exceeds a lifetime gift tax exemption of more than $11 million (assuming that OP is in the USA). It's a common misunderstanding that taxes are due on gifts of more than $15K. That is not the case.


If they are having relationship problems and trying to fix it with a kid, you should not give them anything, but offer to pay for couples counselling.


"Children should not be born with a job" -Dr Phil


I think the second coming is at hand because (gasp!) Dr. Phil actually makes sense here.


Cannot be made clearer, you are actually doing a disservice by giving them ANY money if they are not rock solid. Think of your future nephew/niece.


Exactly this my ex convinced me another baby would "save our marriage" instead of ended up raising twins on my own while she has never bothered to contact them. Do not give them a dime. A baby will not save a marriage.


Kids should never be used like that.


I agree wholeheartedly but interpreted this as the relationship is rocky at the moment because of the fertility struggles. As in, I don't think they were having a baby in the first place as a band-aid. And I get it - I was an emotional wreck and hormonal and scared my husband would leave me\* during that rough journey. But, we had to know when to call it and ultimately support each other, and I didn't hit up people for money to keep it going or hold anyone else responsible for our marriage. \*He did not and would not dream of it but the fear was real.


If Ella receives anything it will be due to the kindness of OP's heart.


*Legally*, a child who was cut out of inheritance by bigoted parents is entitled to nothing. *Morally*, on the other had, siblings who did inherit should do what they can to right that wrong. Choosing not to indicates they're either as bigoted as their parents, or happy to turn a blind eye to bigotry if they can capitalize on it for personal gain. "Ella" is in the wrong here but that doesn't make it right, in principle, to uphold bigoted punishment via inheritance.


Where i come from they would legally be entitled to their share because it is their birthright, even if the parents say in their will they cannot have it. As long as they raised her then she has a right to her share. Them demanding all the money is bullshit though.


IVF is expensive but she should look into shared risk programs (which are quite common) so that she has more tries. Another option is embryo adoption so that she doesn’t have to do the egg retrieval part and creation of the embryos which would save money. If half of the the inheritance isn’t enough to pay for a round of IVF, that tells me the entire inheritance probably isn’t very much money.


What are those? I've never heard of that before. I really don't think OP should be encouraging them in thier quest for a fix-the-relationship baby, however. If they haven't done thier own research, well... they should have. OP doesn't need to do it for them.


Yeah, OP shouldn’t finance this at all. Child support after their divorce will cost one of them more than IVF. Here is an example of a shared risk program. Lots of clinics have them. Basically you pay a little more than the cost of one round, but can try like 4-6 times and get your money back if it fails. The “risk” for the patient is getting pregnant the first cycle and it costing more than it would have if they hadn’t joined shared risk. But the risk for the clinic is that it doesn’t work and they give you the money back. Meds are often covered partially or in full minus regular copays by health insurance so this is pretty awesome for people needing to try more than once. (This is just the top result in google, I don’t know anything about this particular clinic. There are tons of clinics with similar programs that make IVF a lot less risky for people. https://www.shadygrovefertility.com/affording-care/guarantee-programs/)


And Ella's marriage is rocky? It sounds like she's seeing a baby as magic bullet for keeping her relationship intact; but on the flip side, it's a hard sell to ask someone else to help you bring a baby into a troubled partnership. NTA


There are grants, loans, and lots of financial help for couples who struggle with infertility. Source: I struggle with infertility and have looked into this endlessly. It's never even crossed my mind to ask anyone for money.


I was so ready for OP to be the AH until I saw that part. What the fuck.


The bot will count the "Nah" as your vote, so maybe change that to nope?


NTA. I think you were right and fair to offer to split the money with her but in no way should she get all of it. This is the chance for you to ensure your child’s future and, as her mother, it’s only right for you to do so. Ella can look for alternate ways to become a mother that doesn’t involve spending your part of the inheritance. Fertility problems are super unfortunate but it doesn’t give her the right to take your daughter’s college money.


>Ella can look for alternate ways to become a mother that doesn’t involve spending your part of the inheritance. I think some of her friends have suggested that in the past but she has always wanted a biological child of her own, similar to a normal pregnancy. Thank you for the help


then she has to figure out how to do that with half the inheritance. This isnt life or death, you're not denying her cancer treatments, she's not on the brink of homelessness or anything. these are fertility treatments, which are a luxury. I think you should still give her her half (Not leaving her any money was a bigoted move, I think it is rightfully hers), but not more than that. Half will help cover the costs, and the rest they can figure out on their own. If she wants to go on some sort of payment plan where she pays you back over the next several years, maybe you can discuss that.


That just opens OP up to still losing the money. Not a good idea. Sister had already claimed she deserves it all. She's not gonna pay OP back


Agreed. This is a terrible idea. No more than half, and no way a 'loan' for the rest.


OP would never see that money again. DON'T LOAN MONEY TO FAMILY, PEOPLE. Not unless you don't expect it back. It will tank your relationship most of the time. Also, don't sell or buy stuff with them, but *especially* not cars. It never goes well most of the time, especially if the car has any issues.


A payment plan is a terrible idea. Everybody knows that money is never getting paid back.


I've noted this elsewhere, but IVF cycles are extremely expensive. The procedure and treatment itself in Canada is only covered once, but the hormones (injections) and drugs are often paid out of pocket, in some cases insurance can cover it, but it only covers the 1 cycle. Having gone through an IVF cycle with my SO, it feels really predatory even after knowing that there is no guarantee of a successful pregnancy. You're constantly chasing the dream and it just digs you further and further into debt.


>Not leaving her any money was a bigoted move While I agree with the sentiment you are making, OP not giving half the money isn't "bigoted". That implies some prejudice or hatred which was not the case. Edit: Please ignore, I misread this and assumed this was referring to OP.


I thought they were referring to the parents not giving her half?


I disagree with borrowing the money unless OP is ready to see that money gone forever. That's about the only way loaning money to friends and family can work


You can't fix her life. And she could burn through all the money and still not have a child. **You have plans for that money that will exponentially improve the life of your child. That's all that matters.**


Right? What if it doesn’t work?




Mortgage their house, take out loans, and a Go Fund Me campaign. Maybe an OnlyFans.


I want to be able to eat everything i want and be a size 2 and for my dog to live forever and my mom not to have a horrible neurological condition i have a high chance of inheriting. Guess what? Life ain't fair and you play and hand you get.


If she can’t afford IVF how can she afford to provide for a child. NTA after that give her nothing especially if she just wants a save the relationship baby


I totally agree OP is NTA but this is a silly argument. We would have been able to drop 250k for our house upfront but we still have zero issues paying our mortgage monthly. Kids are expensive but you generally don't need to shell out a ton of money right out of the gate, not being able to afford IVF doesn't necessarily mean that someone can't afford a kid.


Well if you live in the US you do have to shell out a lot if you don’t have good insurance…for the birth…they say an average of 10k.


Yeah, my wife and I had a baby the normal way, other than she needed a C-section. But due to it being a high-risk pregnancy, and the insurance “plan year” ended two weeks before our son was born… …we were on the hook for **$22,000** over the course of the pregnancy, including all of the testing that needed to be done, and the birth, because we hit the annual OOPM for both plan years.


Or even with insurance, with a crappy plan, it could be in the thousands


“Good” insurance, was still thousands. You basically plan to pay for OOP maximum for _family_ because the baby is billed separately. We set our insurance up to be the lowest OOP max for that year because we knew I was pregnant, but that raised our monthly premium by over $200/month.


>If she can’t afford IVF how can she afford to provide for a child. IVF is expensive. My sister and BIL had to save up for it, for *four years* in order to have their second child (had trouble conceiving again after they had their first child). My sister has a Master's in Special Education and is paid *very* well. My BIL works in Information systems and is also paid very well. In our state you have to pay for IVF up front. Once a pregnancy is confirmed then your health insurance will reimburse you retroactively and everything else is covered in full. So basing the ability to afford IVF on the ability to afford a child is wrong. It isn't cheap because you have to go through the initial stages without insurance coverage and we're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars out of pocket.


> It isn't cheap because you have to go through the initial stages without insurance coverage and we're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars out of pocket. What? It's not "hundreds of thousands" of dollars! Yes, maybe if you do many, many cycles, but most doctors will strongly encourage stopping IVF if it doesn't work after 4-5 cycles, at most. The long term effects of ovarian stimulation aren't really known (not enough data yet) and if it doesn't work after 4-5 cycles, it's probably never going to work. A cycle is $25K, more or less, including meds. Also, in most cases, any kind of diagnostic testing is covered by insurance, even if the IVF itself is not, so there is no or a minimal OOP cost to that. Either you're misinformed our your sister is selling you a bill of goods. Source: I had 2 kids via IVF.


Wow, 25K? Here in an undisclosed central European country we paid \~5k USD per cycle. No wonder the clinic was absolutely jam packed with foreigners.


She can go to Jordan. Where i went to medical school. Jordan University of science and technology. The doctors all speak English and IVF is around $2-3000. Plane tickets are less than 1k each. Much cheaper than in the states


I had a friend I worked with between 2008-2018 who would fly to Turkey every year for IVF treatments. It took a long time but she did have a daughter after about 10+ years of trying (I don’t know why they started) but she did so because it cost less for the treatments and the flights to do it there than in Canada. Her husband was from Turkey so that’s why they picked there. But yeah,it’s definitely worth looking into location options etc.


Know someone from Central America. His uncle was a reproductive specialist. They flew to visit and have treatments. Whatever was done worked really well and after years of infertility they had their first, quickly followed by their second.


Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way, she could run through all that money and it not even work. I think it’s more than generous of you to offer half because technically she’s not owed any of it. I’m petty…so after the way they approached you and the way they acted after the fact they wouldn’t get squat from me anymore. It seems like they want more money to try again and want the rest to replenish their savings. But IF you decide that half is still fair tell her to take it or leave it and you will not entertain any amount that is more than that. Give her a deadline to accept such amount and if she does not then she doesn’t get anything. Good luck.


Part of being a healthy functional adult is realizing you won't get everything you want and learning how to process that in a way that doesn't destroy your relationships


If it *must* be thiers biologically, I guess she doesn't want a baby all THAT bad. Everyone I know who struggled with fertility just wanted a healthy baby, they didn't care who's it was, and a few didn't even mind if it wasn't a baby but a toddler. I don't understand the "it MUST be mine biologically or I don't want it" mindset at all, but maybe I'm missing something. Of course it would be wonderful to carry it yourself and have it have your genes. But why is it a requirement?


As someone who is childfree by choice it's even harder for me to understand why it has to be yours. A big reason, but not the only reason, I don't want kids is because my genes are bad and I wouldn't want to subject a child to disease that runs in my family. I don't understand what makes an adopted child different in terms of love and affection from a biological child but so many people feel this way. I wish I could understand.


Same. But I bring up having bad genes and people start yelling "Eugenics!" At me.


Ugh. As someone who's Jewish, disabled and queer this really bothers me. Eugenics is using FORCE to prevent certain people from reproducing because they are considered inferior or undesirable due to racist, ableist and all around predjudiced ideologies. Eugenics is what happened to my people, those who suffered from disabilities and mental illness as well as those who were Jewish or LGBTQ. It is not eugenics to suggest people consider refraining from biological children if they have a hereditary condition that causes pain and suffering. I have several such conditions and endure severe chronic pain. The idea of putting an innocent person at risk for one day experiencing what I do is horrifying and, in my opinion, unethical and selfish.


Sounds like it's time to be dramatic and say that the family curse will stop with your bloodline, lol.


At this point after every thing she’s said I wouldn’t even give her anything and go low contact until she apologizes for the manipulation hurtful things She has said.


> John tells me that's not what they wanted to talk about but that they wanted all of the money. Umm, no. The sheer brass neck is astounding - you made a generous (but fair) offer. You're clearly NTA, and you shouldn't for a moment let them make you doubt yourself.


I’m petty as shit. I would have offered half because it’s the right thing to do. When sister said “No I want it all.” I would have asked her if she was serious and then laughed and said if she’s going to be like that she gets nothing. The hubris to look at generosity and demand more astounds me. Sister should have been grateful for what was offered. Since she wasn’t, now she gets nothing. But like I said, I’m petty as shit.


Completely agree. "You want it all? Hm, good point. I think I'll follow that lead. Im keeping it"


"You're right, the money shouldn't be split."


OP - I'll give you half. BIL - We want it all. OP - You can have 1/4th BIL - But.. OP - now it's 1/8th


Yeah if I offer you half and you ask for it all, you’re getting nothing. I don’t think it’s petty, it’s more like cutting off the bullshit before it begins. You give the greedy one half, she’ll treat it like it’s nothing and show zero gratitude. If you have to put up with a hissyfit regardless, better to just keep it all.


Agreed, the offer was completely fair. Only half should be given and nothing more. On a side note OP, I had a good friend struggle with fertility issues due to age. Not sure what country you're located in but my friend ended up going to Bulgaria for IVF (her home country) and it was cheaper than having IVF done in the US including the flights. She would go back in forth as they had a hard time, but it finally worked and their baby is a toddler now. She could check into that, but if your sister and BIL are having issues, why have a kid?


You know what though? I *really* hope OP is eventually able to give her sister the half she originally promised. Hear me out: OPs sister is probably going through a lot right now. She hasn't been able to get pregnant, they've exhausted their financial means which would be causing strain at home as I'm guessing they've got debts to pay now from the unsuccessful IVF. Which would also be playing havoc with her hormones. Her relationship is now struggling due to all of this and I'd even bet she's struggling with either depression anxiety or both. She's not thinking rationally and that is causing more problems. But it may not be entirely her fault. Those types of stressors make people do stupid irrational and hurtful things in an effort to relieve themselves of some/any of it. I feel for her too. OP is not wrong here at all, what her sister and BIL did was wrong. They were 100% in the wrong to ask for OPs half as well. But they are people who are falling apart under the weight of their misfortunes. Which is why I hope that they will eventually realise and work to fix their relationship with each other and with OP. I hope they get to a place where OP *wants* to give them half of it. But only if OP feels they have worked to gain back their good will and graces. And I hope none of this ends up falling on the shoulders of a child to fix.


Maybe they can use some of the money to get some therapy. Serious suggestion. Sounds like they could use it.


NTA- you offered half and that was generous enough. It is unreasonable of them to expect you to give them ALL of the money. Additionally, "her relationship is rocky because they're frustrated they can't have a kid." \^this line also concerns me. A baby can't save a marriage. In fact, it would probably make it worse. If you want to give them half that's fine, but not a penny more.


That jumped out at me too. I wouldn't give her anything, for the fact that a kid is going to be brought into a bad situation. She's just trying to guilt her into thinking that her giving her money for IVF will fix her crumbling marriage. It won't.


Except it sounds like thats the only reason they are rocky. Infertility can put a strain on the calmest of marriages. That being said OP offering half was fair, but to have the balls to demand all of it instead...nope.


We were infertile for 10 years and our mariage was never rocky. It gets there when one focuses way too much on it. Then we tried FIV and it worked on the second time. If it doesn't work for them it's probably that genetically their genes can't produce a viable embryo even if it's crafted in a lab. Sometimes you can't beat nature.


Is it, though? Or is it that they're placing all of the blame there? The way people deal with stressful, sad situations isn't going to change once one stressful situation is fixed. Sure it will take the focus off for a minute, but children and everything that comes with them can be stressful. How they manage their emotions and treat their partner isn't going to change for the better just because a baby comes.


True but if you both really want kids and are putting a lot of resources towards that goal it is frustrating not to have it work out. There are a lot of negative emotions there that even the most healthy couple will have to deal with, and by nature, many of the hormone regiments do not help with rational thinking. I agree totally with your premise but I think its entirely possible she is talking about reasonable turmoil in an otherwise healthy relationship. (still AHs for demanding all the money)


Infertility problems are notorious for causing strain in otherwise good relationships. There’s no way to know here, but it is common.


NTA. Honestly I wouldn’t even give her half the money after the way your sister behaved.


That's what Tom says as well. I'm still considering both options..


Maybe talk with a lawyer to prepare and to protect your interests? They can at least be objective and take the emotion out of it. By the way, NTA. I wish you good luck in this trying time.


We already talked to our family lawyer just in case but tbh what they can do legally is very minimal. Thank you for your kind words


One thing I will point out, Verbal agreements count as binding when it comes to contracts. I don't know how stuff like this counts against the "wishes in the will", but if you agreed to split it 50/50 then ideally that's what should happen.


We both didn't agreed to it. I offered but they declined because they wanted all of it.


Good point, I thought I read that into your story but when I reread all I saw was the extremely vague promise that each of your kids would be well taken care of. Not saying that's bad, just vague and hard to get contract details out of. I think your offer was more than fair and for her to demand all of it is over the line.


IANAL but watch way too much daytime court tv where situations similar to this have happened (similar as in one side agreed to a gift but didn't give it which is what this is since her sister has no legal right to the money). Saying I'm going to give you X and not doing it is not what a contract makes and therefore creates no legal obligation. A legal obligation is created if there is a detrimental reliance for example if OP had said "I'll give you half to put towards your IVF" and the sister went to get the treatments because of her reliance of that money and THEN OP didn't give it. So atm, OP owes her sister nothing and her sister is definitely TA.


In lots of cases, a promise of future performance is not enforceable without consideration given for the promise.


Contracts need both offer and acceptance as well as mutual consideration. OP telling Ella "I will give you half" doesn't have any consideration on Ella's part. "I will give you half if you do X" or "I will do Y in exchange for half" would, but that didn't occur here. Ella also rejected the offer by counteroffering for the full amount.


I’ve always been curious about verbal agreements like this. How are they enforceable? Couldn’t OP just say they never agreed to 50/50 and instead offered like a 10k lump sum? Not saying OP should lie but I’m just curious how it would be verified anyway. Regardless sister refused 50/50 so that’s off the table if you don’t want to help her anymore.


Also they both meet you on your own. Trying to railroad you, rather than meet you with your husband. Not cool / nta


It wouldn't be completely untoward to slap half the inheritance into an account for any child/children your sister has. That way you don't have to deal with her greed but you are helping her out.


Don’t give anything if you don’t to be constantly taken advantage of in the future she doesn’t have any right legally and morally after what she did


Same. While I wouldn’t spend it right away in case this could be fixed, I have zero-tolerance for guilt-trippy manipulation. Aside from that, it sounds like the marriage is on shaky ground. She might eventually appreciate having a nest egg if things go sideways.


I just read this with my friend. She and her husband been struggling with fertility for 7 years. They have tried IVF 2x. I asked her what her opinion is and we both agree NTA. She doesn’t have a Reddit. But she wanted me To tell you that she would have been extremely grateful for even half and also would never accuse you of mentioning saving for your child’s future rubbing in her face that you even have kids. Struggling is hard and it hurts when you have so many people who are able to have kids but she said she enjoys getting to be involved with this kids lives. For me I also agree with her. I have children and I also have greedy siblings and family. If they pulled this with me I would honestly just have no contact with them for awhile.


Wow this is truly so helpful. Thank you to both of you. I really wanted an answer from that perspective so I appreciate it a lot


She is actually here helping me because I have had a very difficult pregnancy and needed some rest and the kids need to let out some steam. I didn’t ask she told my husband she wanted to help, he told her I was up and she stopped by with treats for the kids and me and started cleaning. She doesn’t think my pregnancy is me rubbing it in her face. She asks me daily how I’m feeling. I knew how I thought but honestly I haven’t struggled with fertility so I wanted to know if her opinion was different. Her parents are also very religious and she herself was the golden child she said. Said that her brother would get half if this was her but if he demanded all she would just give him half and that would be that. She also asked me to add that please be careful and reach out to your sister regarding her husband. From the way it sounds it sounds like he’s blaming her for not being able to get pregnant. She said it also sounded like this was his idea. She could be getting verbally abused and on top of struggling with her own emotions he may be adding into her self doubt and guilt. IVF takes a very supportive team. But not to give in because you have your baby girl to look after. Half is fair. I really do hope this helps. Her and I both with you well.


That is so incredibly sweet. I'm crying at how sweet this is <3 And I will definitely be careful, thank you so much. Both of you have been nothing but kind and helpful and I will forever appreciate it.


My last advice would be to take a check with half the money. Ask your sister to meet you at a cafe alone without her husband. Offer her half one last time. If she says ok then give her the check. If she declines tell her this is your last and final offer. If she is kinder and excepts it and acts differently than when he husband was present please Ask her if she is ok and that you felt her husband may be blaming her for their struggling or that her statement of getting the money to save her marriage concerned you. She gave off a lot of red flags especially breaking down and him legit demanding the money and her calling later telling you that she needs the money because of her marriage issues. If anything just let her know it’s not her fault and you are there for her. I get really bad vibes off of him…..


I hope OP reads what you wrote last. She could tell the sister she gets nothing, but save back half the money for her sister after sis and hubs get divorced, so sis wouldn’t have to be afraid of leaving and having nowhere to go. I feel that’s a major reason people stay in abusive marriages.


there so I agree


I like this idea. I'd suggest meeting to talk with her before the subject of the money is even brought up, because OP is concerned about what she said regarding the relationship being rocky. The sister may talk herself out of the relationship, or she may double down and say this is what SHE truly wants, and it's not just the husband pushing. THEN OP could bring out the check.


Hey OP coming from someone who will never have biological children without IVF you are NTA. I did IVF twice and it didn’t work either time for me. It was really hard for us and we can’t afford to do another round. We have the choice to wait and save and we’ve decided to do the adoption route. Your sister and her husband are being entitled jerks. I know the feeling of desperately wanting a child and not being able to have one and it sucks so bad but it doesn’t excuse her actions. You were incredibly generous to offer half and if I was her I’d be grateful to get anything that would help with this. I get she wants it now and hopes it will be save her marriage but life doesn’t give you what you want all the time and it isn’t your responsibility to make that happen for her. I know firsthand how infertility can cause strain in a marriage but instead of putting all in on having a baby she and her husband should be going to couples counseling and individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in infertility (yes they are out there). Don’t give her all the money. And if she continues to be so ungrateful for even half I wouldn’t give her any at all.


Thank you, your perspective is so appreciated


NTA. Half is the fair amount, as you both receive equal shares then. It is rude and unreasonable for them to expect all of it, and entitled of them to act like they deserve it. If they don't have the money to pay for the IVF, where are they going to get the money to raise the kid, of the treatment is successful? Reiterate that you will split it 50/50 with them, and it's that or nothing. The bank the rest for your own daughter's education - it is never to early to start saving for it!


Also the really shitty thing is what if this round of IVF doesn't work? Just wasted two peoples inheritance AND a young girls college costs.


Especially when if they do get pregnant then immediately they need to start buying baby supplies, clothes, diapers, furniture and hospital/prenatal care bills with no financial recovery time.


NTA. I wouldn't give her half of it either based on their mindset. Sounds like she is trying to have a kid to save her marriage, that never works.


There is desperation here for sure and that may be colouring her remarks. They probably seized on this as "the answer to all their problems" and have a fantasy scenario where if they just get the money everything will work out. She's not seeing you as a sister right now, just an obstacle. If she calls again I'd say any money discussion has been tabled until she can speak rationally again and hang up the phone. Don't let your husband talk you into anything, I can see the wheels turning there even if they are kind wheels. It's an inheritance should be shared with your sister because that's the right and rational thing to do and if you don't you will regret it, it'll haunt you in the future. But your sister cant emotionally blackmail you either and you probably shouldn't give her the money right this instant either. Why not call the family lawyer and get some advice on how to go about it properly.


NTA unless you cave into your sister’s demands over looking to your child’s future. You offered your sister a fair and equal split of your inheritance. Your sister and BIL are greedy to demand all of it. I would give your sister 2 choices: 1. Half of the inheritance; or 2. Nothing. Have they considered adoption? You have a daughter and are being smart to set your half up to help her with college. At her young age there is plenty of time to grow it into a nice college fund nest egg.


They don't want to consider adoption. I have talked to them about it but they'd rather not have children than adopt. A close friend of ours had a bad experience with adoption so that may be why. Thank you for your help


If they wouldn't even want to adopt then they really don't deserve a child. Wasting all that money on failed attempts is just baffling


|If they wouldn't even want to adopt then they really don't deserve a child. Um...no. ALL of the available options to infertile couples have challenges/drawbacks attached, and choosing among the options is difficult and emotional. And personal. Some people really want a biological child, and that's a valid wish. And those who say "just adopt," know nothing about adoption. If you haven't been infertile, please don't judge. Even if you have. Source: Adoptive mother, Aunt to twins born from IVF ETA : OP is NTA


>Some people really want a biological child, and that's a valid wish. So...keep wishing, I guess? Like, it's not a necessity to have a child. You might want one, but you can't afford it. You might want a new car, but you can't afford it. You don't need a kid like you need food, water, air. Just like...don't have a kid, or if you really want one so badly then save for it like any other expense? SMH


Adoption can be 2-3x as expensive as IVF. I know people who would rather continue trying that because of the expenses and difficulties of adoption. It can easily cost between 20-50k to adopt. Plus the waiting sometimes years to be matched with a birth mother. And just because someone doesn’t want to adopt doesn’t mean they don’t deserve children. It’s not for everyone. I find it baffling that comments are made like this about infertile couples but no one ever says this to people who are able to easily have children.


We needed fertility help to have our son. We would have gladly adopted a child but the IUI was covered by our insurance and adoption would have been way more expensive.


Personally from experience people who refuse adoption while claiming the desperately want to be parents don’t really want a child to love the want a child to own


NTA, honestly it doesn't even matter what they want it for they should not ask for 100% of the money. It's ridiculous and quite frankly embarrassingly entitled. You offered 50% immediately if that's not enough, there's nothing you can do about it.


NTA...they may never get pregnant..they may end up splitting up..and in either case you are not getting that money back...You have a child to provide for....Your living child's need should come before the needs of a "hoped for child" Splitting the money is absolutely reasonable and fair. You don't owe them anything after that.


WTF? Absolutely no. You should NOT give her all of the money. I would question even giving her half. NTA You would be TA if you gave her all of it.


I was prepared to say Y-T-A and then I read that straight off the bat you were going to do the right thing and give her half. You are NTA by any stretch of the imagination.


NTA They do not have a right to the money. Frankly it was extremely generous for you to even offer half, the fact that wasn’t enough for them is ridiculous. It honestly sounds like your sister is going through a lot right now with fertility struggles being a seeming proxy for marriage issues from the comment she made. You do not deserve to be made a punching bag like they are turning you into. Also, I’d be super uncomfortable being asked to fund a medical procedure like this that they have already attempted and failed with before. This isn’t a medical need, it is a desire.


NTA, you are thinking longterm and ARE using your money for your daughter while she wants the money now, and even through you wanted to Split the inheritance she still wanted all. Furthermore they are belittling your pains and made it out like she had it worse... I already saw so many Posts: if you know your family are homophobic/biphobic then dont come out until you are settled with own income or they are not a part of your life anymore... Please inform yourself about inheritance laws if they are going to sue the will of your mother.


>Please inform yourself about inheritance laws if they are going to sue the will of your mother. Tom already called our family lawyer just in case but at this point I don't think there's anything they can do legally. Still, we're prepared.


The way it sounds they may try so being prepared is always good. Also I’ve read a lot of stories of how quickly family can turn for inheritance or over what they feel is theirs for whatever reason. So I would keep any messages, make sure the money is safe, maybe have in writing you offered half like through a message, also if you feel they are desperate enough or spiteful cameras around the house are always good not just for this but in general cameras.


Thank you, this is great advice. I appreciate the help a lot!


If you do pay her half you may want your lawyer to draw up a statement that by accepting she relinquish all further claims in your and your parents estate. Otherwise she could come back and sue for being denied her half and say that money was given for some debt you owed or something. Better to be safe than sorry.


If your family lawyer is not a specialist in inheritance law in the relevant state, you may want to consult a specialist. It gets hairy, inheritance law. A generalist may not be fully up to speed if E & J decide to get really nasty.


Our family lawyer is currently working alongside someone who primarily works on cases relevant to inheritance so got that covered. Thanks for the tip nonetheless!


NTA. You offered her half! She actually expected you to hand over all your inheritance?! Wtf?!


NTA you were going to split it and they demanded all of it? Ugh. How rude!


Imagine the nerves going into a negotiation with nothing and turning down 50% and requesting 100% 😂


NTA. It’s your money. You choose what to do with it. You offered half, she should’ve been thankful as it was never her money but she still wanted the whole lot. This might be a terrible example but nobody is going to give up the money they need to a homeless person because they “faced more struggles”


NTA. Not even close. And really, you might not be doing them any favors giving them the money anyway. If they are having problems with their marriage a kid isn’t going to solve them. And if they blew thru their own money on fertilization treatments, then they will probably blow their whatever you give them as well. Sorry you are having to go thru this.


NTA. You offered half, the right thing to do IMO. They don't get to demand all and get it. I applaud you for saying NO to that very entitled demand of theirs.


NTA. Half was a generous, fair gesture. It’s understandable that she’s frustrated, but she’s not entitled to any of it, and should be gracious in accepting your offer of half.


NTA You were going to give her half even though she wasn't legally entitled to it. Demanding all of it from you is extremely selfish and, well, entitled. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her to take what is offered or get nothing at all. She should be grateful you're willing to split the inheritance with her.


NTA. If your sister had not been disowned, the inheritance would have been split between you anyway. You are offering her what would have been her fair share. Legally and per the will, she doesn’t have the right to any of that money. You are within your rights to keep it all. Let her know it’s half or nothing.


NTA. You offered half of what you had received and they said that they wanted all of it and for IVF treatments? I'd be like, fine then. Here's half, take it or leave it. If she had received the inheritance herself instead of you, would she offer you half?


She didn’t even receive the inheritance and is demanding all of it! Of course she wouldn’t even offer to help her niece.


NTA. You were going to give her the half that is rightfully hers. As far as I am concerned, you should still give it to her. But she is asking for the entirety of it without any indication of paying you back your half when they are able. I understand her need for the money, but trying to guilt you into giving it to her only makes me think that she is being a greedy asshole.


You are NTA and your sister is. Her being left out of the money wasn't your fault. You were left the money to do as you wish. Your sister should not be pressuring you to fund her ivf treatments. You have every right not to give her anything. You even considering it shows the type of person you are, and her wanting all of it shows the type she is. Again, you are NTA


NTA. You offered half. Them demanding the full inheritance is extremely selfish.


NTA. You offered them half of the money. They are not entitled to all of the money.


NTA. She wants all the money so she can hypothetically have her own child, while leaving your existing child with nothing? There’s not even a guarantee that IVF will take.


I’m sorry that she did that to you. That was completely wrong. That wanted to get you alone to guilt trip you when you had no support. I have to say that because you have a child you have to look out for her. Half of the inheritance was more than fair, to want all of it is just selfish. Tell them that is your final offer if they don’t want it keep it all. NTA. They are


NTA. Only give them that half if you want to. If they need to borrow that much money to conceive a child, imagine how much they’d need to raise it


NTA. Technically none of the money is hers. Mom left it to you and you alone. You get decide how to use it. She has no right to it. The fact that you offered half is more than reasonable and kind. This money wont fix her broken marriage. Nor will having a child at this point. They need to fix themselves and you cannot help them do so


Wtf? You were generous enough to offer to share. They suck and no baby is going to fix them. NTA


NTA - You shouldn't feel guilty. It's your money, you can do what you want with it. I wouldn't give them the money. If they are already in a rocky relationship adding a kid just sounds like an awful decision. Adding a child isn't going to magically resolve all their problems and I doubt its just stress from not having a child.


First you pay to get them pregnant, then you pay for the birth, then school, then graduation... It never ends because: give them an inch, they'll take a mile


Nta, your sister and her husband are tho. You were more than generous when offering to share half of it. Honestly wouldn't give her any now tbh because they have shown their entitlement and you need to look after you and yours.


how do you have an inheritance if you were poor growing up?


So we were not poor growing up. Not even close actually, our parents were pretty rich. But they never used any of it on us. We had to pay for our own education, sometimes clothes, etc while my parents were thinking about getting a 3rd car or my mom was buying jewellery after jewellery. That's when we kind of promised our children would never have to go through that.


Ah I had the same life. My stepdad once asked "Why do you think we work so hard to make money?" And I gave the Hallmark movie response of "So you can provide your children a better life than you had growing up poor." He legit said "FUCK NO. So I can buy whatever the hell I want!" Like damn 😅🥲


ohh okay thank you for clearing that up. i'm sorry you had to go through that, and NTA


Absolutely NTA. Instead of being grateful and accepting half, which is all she would have been entitled to anyway had she been included in the inheritance, she and her husband make a play for all of the money. Infertility is awful, but nobody owes you a child or the money to make one. You were very generous and respectful to even offer half. And you’re NTA to withdraw that offer after having it flung in your face too.


Sharing half the money is generous, but likely the right thing to do. That's great of you. But on no planet does your sister deserve or have any right to demand all of it. It's selfish and unreasonable to put all that on you. Just because she feels she "needs" it more is not an excuse to demand it. NTA


Completely NTA. You deciding to split the inheritance is a good idea and it had come up before Ella even asked you to. She is not entitled to the money and even if you don't have an immediate need for it, you could have in a few years. Having aittle nest is important


NTA You were right in being willing to give her half of the money. But your sister is being greedy. She and her husband are not entitled to your entire inheritance. It feels like they intention ally ambushed you when your spouse wasn't around to support you. Split off half your inheritance. Put it in a long term investment. If your sister apologize s for her greedy and needs help in the future, you could give her some (or all) of that portioned money. For your child, I highly recommend investing some of that money in a 529 plan if you're in the US. The profits will be tax free if used for tuition, required fees, room and/or board.


**NTA** \- You were and are very sympathetic towards them and their struggles but them just expecting and demanding that money as if they are **entitled** to it is just beyond obnoxious. You do not *owe* them anything, especially not after the way they spoke to you. You have every right to think of your own daughter and her future. Stand your ground.


NTA at all. Offering half of the inheritance was fair, but her demanding all of it was ridiculous. It’s not on you to „repay“ her for your parents bigotry


NTA. Your offered half, they demanded all. Don't pack your bags for this particular guilt trip.


NTA - I was confused when I read the part where you *offered* to give them half of the inheritance money. I assumed they’d be asking for half, making this a bit more of a complex post but nope. They’re just assholes. There’s no reason why they should get all of the money. It would be one thing if they had asked nicely and reacted appropriately, then I could be okay with saying there are no assholes here. But they came to you and when you offered them half of the money, which is very fair of you, they said “nope, we want all of it because her childhood was obviously harder”. OP, I’d recommend simply giving them half and telling them there’s no conversation left to be had. If you wanna stick it to them, you can say they’re not getting a dime till they apologize. Of course it’s your money and you can do whatever you like with it (including keeping it all), but given the context of the post you seem like you *do* want to go give your sister a fair share of the inheritance.


Jeez isn’t your sister more than a bit greedy and entitled. NTA


NTA - you were willing to share and she’s being greedy by demanding all of it. No one has a right to an inheritance.


NTA at all, they’re struggling, and their relationship is not going well because of it, and instead of working on it together, they are fixating on external things that are easy to blame. It’s not your fault, if you wanted to keep half aside for her for the future if she ever comes to her senses and apologises for all this that would be lovely but not at all necessary after they ambushed you like that. Your offer of half was more than generous, this isn’t your fault, it’s not your fault they are struggling with fertility and if they break up it won’t be your fault either


Wow WTF?!? NTA. It is not your responsibility to fund anyone else's IVF, sister or not. It was very bold of them to expect the ENTIRE amount. Entitled assholes. Having a baby isn't going to be the magic fix for their marriage.


NTA. Half of the money makes sense because it wasn’t her fault your parents were bigots, but all of it is unreasonable.


NTA You don’t even have to give her half, however, I think you should because it would be fair. They are out of line for demanding all of the money. Save for your daughter’s future. It is not your obligation to compensate your sister for her emotional trauma, and tbh, I think if she is behaving so irrationally, maybe not getting pregnant is a blessing. No one needs another child with emotionally messed up parents. She should get her head straight before even considering bringing another human to the world.


NTA. you told her you’d give her half (which is what she would’ve gotten anyways if your parents didn’t kick her out for her sexuality). She doesn’t deserve all the money and it was entitled and rude of her to even ask. Just because you’re not using the money now, that doesn’t mean youre any less entitled to it. You’re saving it for your daughters future and your sister should understand that. If your sister is going to be a greedy brat, then she doesn’t deserve any of the money, which was never hers to begin with. Her failing marriage isn’t your problem and if she genuinely thinks a kid will save it, she’s in for a rude awakening.