AITA for not wanting to change my daughters name and snitching on him to his parents?
By - throwaway_babyname
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I think I might be an asshole because I did tell his parents that put not only him but also his gf [who don't completely like his gf] in a bad light in their eyes and get them in trouble. Also I feel like by not considering a change of names I will make it a bit difficult for both the girls.
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Technically, you cannot steal a name.
But NTA because how can THEY suggest that you should be the one to change it? It was a name that meant a lot to you, you came up with it first so the other folks should have been more original.
They stole the name you were giving your daughter as a tribute to your dead sister and your wife’s family.
Your friend is an AH for letting his gf do this.
She is also an AH.
Anyone who takes their side is a AH.
And stop and think about it for a minute - sure they chose to give this specific name to their daughter - But now they're upset with OP for NOT changing his future daughter's name!
This means that they gave their daughter this name with the INTENTION that OP would "lose the name" as a result and not name his future daughter this highly personal meaningful name as a result. That is absolutely disgusting. And in this context the correct verbiage would be that they were stealing it or at least intending to steal it. Because they were expecting OP to not be able to use it as a result. Which is why they're so angry now. Disgusting.
Yes, OP should dump these people out of his life. OMG! How entitled can they be? NTA
Go no contact. The two children never need to meet one another. Problem solved. NTA and why is that even in dispute?
I think they said the children will be in the same grade. Does that mean the same school?
Edit: he did say they would be in the same school.
So? There were 13 Jennifer's in my class. I had the exact same name (first middle and last) as a girl I'm totally unrelated to. The kids will be fine.
THIS. ^^^^ who cares? Name her the special name you picked. They may not be around in 5 years.
ETA: I meant that one of these families may have moved, or the girls go to a different school... Essentially they will no longet have co tact of be in each other's lives.
Exactly. Do what you want. No one owns the rights to a name. I graduated with 7 other people with my first name, and four of us had a last name with the same initial.
You graduated with 3 other Abject Rs?
Right, at least OP's daughter will have a nice story to tell about how she got her name. Not so much for the friend's kid.
This. I've got the backstory for the poor kid.
My unoriginal mother stole my name from my father's formerly good friend. The name was incredibly special to that friend as it was his precious deceased sister's name. My mother couldn't think of a special, original and wonderful name for me so she decided to copy the name, ruin a friendship and firmly establish herself as the legendary village idiot whenever this story is told.
I think they meant like, in 5 years they might've moved away or at least not live in the same neighborhood.
At worst, they'll get the first letter of their last name added, so the teachers can keep them straight. I was "Meghan S" a few different times and it was never an issue. (I had a couple teachers who thought I was spelling my first name wrong- the "h" spelling is less common- and then *doubled down* when my mom corrected them.)
I was "Julia M" until I started high school. Kids don't care if they share a name with another kid.
My kid Daniel and his best friends all had the same name- so when they came over, it was: Daniel C, Daniel J, Dan, Danny and Lil'Danny (he was the youngest and shortest)
My mom used to get in trouble with her teachers when they incorrectly called her 'Penelope', when her name was 'Penny' (her given name). They *insisted* her name was 'Penelope'.
And oddly enough, my dad was 'Larry' and not short for Lawrence.
Same goes for me. I can't count how many people called and call me 'Jennifer', even tho I'm just a 'Jenny'. Correcting doesn't help either.
My Dad was Jimmie not James.
It’s more common with the H in the UK. That I’ve seen, anyway.
My cousin is Meghan S. Are you my cousin?
It would be super weird if I was.
I went to school with 27 Jennifers.
16 Jenns, 10 Jennies, and then there was "her."
Just gotta acknowledge that this just got 27 likes... :-) Mike Doughty for the win.
My husband's little sister and I have the exact same name, first, middle, and last. It's a nothing burger, no one cares.
My husband’s ex-wife and I share the same name. At least he couldn’t make the “name mistake”.
Same with 'Brittany' and other variants lol. We would just go by nicknames or Brittany Last Initial. Kids don't care about names as much as people think unless there's something funny about the name like 'Dick' or the initials or the name is off the wall crazy like 'Abcde'.
Get your kid to call the other kid junior
But this is punishing the kid for his parents choices... How is that fair?
Nothing about this is “fair” to either child. I’ll take the kid with the non-AH parents.
The may be in the same grade due to close birthdays but unless they live in Upper Podunk, BFE, there are options besides going to the same school.
We lived in a small town. While pregnant, we told the florist what name we’d picked out for our daughter. She was pregnant as well and exclaimed at how beautiful it was. Luckily ours was born first, because two months later, she gave hers the same name. The girls were in the same grade and several times in the same class. The other girl was more popular, so her friends would tease my daughter about “copying” her name. Even though she was born first.
If I ever have kids, I'm not telling anyone the names until that shit is on the birth certificate.
That part! I didn’t tell anyone my kids names until after they were born.
Is it common to be able to chose the school you go to? The area I'm in has multiple schools for every city but if you're going the public education route, schools are decided based on the boundaries you live in. The only time you can go outside of your boundaries is if you move mid year and they will let you finish the year at your current school before transfering.
That’s not the case where I live. There are numerous (public) magnet and charter options as well as private and religious schools. I also think OP should seriously consider buying a home in a different district or municipality if this is the ethos of their home ground.
You are assuming they can afford private school. Where I live, you go to your neighborhood school unless you go to private school (until 6th grade, when there are a couple of magnets. But even then, you might not get into the magnets). As for moving houses, that seems drastic, expensive, and possibly not feasible.
That isn’t actually possible when the kids are two months apart in age and live in the same school district. And quite frankly moving over this is an extreme reaction. Just own it and tell your daughter that if she gets any shit for it that the friends kid is named after her! It’s technically true, and if it’ll cause problems for either of the families, it’ll be the friend not OP.
There are lots of good reasons to move away from the school district where you grew up. This is just an additional motive. Even though I had an edenic childhood, I feel deep pity for the people who never left my home town.
You’re right though, even if they end up in the same class the situation is manageable.
At least we know they definitely deserve each other lol
We should all know by now to never share a name until it’s on the birth certificate. There’s a person like this in every friend group.
I even gave out a fake name and a “friend” went right ahead and used it and she was LIVID when I told her. She brought her baby boy over for introductions and was telling me at the time that I couldn’t use the fake name I gave because she fell in love with it and I just laughed and told her that’s why I never told anyone our son’s real name and I wouldn’t until he was born.
Some people just want the drama.
> I even gave out a fake name and a “friend” went right ahead and used it and she was LIVID when I told her.
This is hilarious. Don’t know why she’s mad, she got her unique name, didn’t she?
Yeah, the name she "fell in love with".
I hope it was an awful or super generic name.
I didn’t want to saddle a kid with a terrible name so I picked something pretty standard and classic (it was a name like Thomas/Arthur/Erickson) and she claimed it in her birth announcement. My son’s actual name is incredibly common but I just had a sneaking suspicion that someone would try to create a problem where there didn’t need to be one.
When I was pregnant with both my 3rd and 4th we didn’t tell anyone their names, just their first initial. Partially because my MIL was a cow and gave us shit for our first two kids, partially because a few “friends” were pregnant, and I knew they would use my name if they could, they’d commented on my other kids names and were very persistent in finding out 3 and 4s names.
For the life of me, I can't understand how people can be like that.
I told everyone my kid was going to be Mumford or Gertrude. (Both names in the family tree, neither do I have any attachment to, nor would consider using.) I got a few wrinkled noses, a few "oh God why" and a few "well, at least it's a family name"... then when his name was officially announced, everyone loved his actual name. (Though one aunt commented on the "weird" spelling)
Everyone is a critic and I’ve seen some unique spelling choices with some that made sense and others that I couldn’t figure out why they chose to spell it that way. If I ever have another child, I will absolutely give the wrong name again and I’ll be more inventive about the spelling just to chuckle at the eye rolls.
It's his middle name, which no one uses, and it has a misspelling same my own name.(Think Jaiden vs Jayden in that the "misspelling" doesn't change the way it sounds, nor really noticeable by most) I didn't want to name my son directly after me, because I have a popular family name (only I have the "girl" version of it) and there are a lot of us with the name.
If I were to get pregnant again, I'll tell everyone I'm naming my kid Z ae 420. It's pronounced "Tina".
I love this SO. MUCH. I'm glad you did that, lol. Luckily when we had our child he was the only bun in the oven at that time so I didn't worry about anyone being able to "steal" his name...I actually didn't even consider it as a possibility. 🤔
Anyway, my cousin had a little girl before I even found out I was pregnant & when they were telling me what her name was, the middle name was one that I'd been saying since middle school that I would name my daughter if I ever had one. Crazy part is, I'd never told anyone about the name, so it was purely coincidence that she also had the same name (it's a biblical name & not common at all). I was like "no way, that's my future daughter's name!" But that didn't work, lol. Fast forward to when I found out I was pregnant, I prayed not to have a daughter bc I wasn't ready to have to face the fact that I would have to give up that name...luckily it worked out for me & I had a boy, lol.
When I was pregnant I told my grandma the boy name I was thinking of and she started dramatically fanning herself and saying “Oh, oh, I hope for the baby’s sake that it’s a girl” 🤣 Learned my lesson there.
You technically might not be able to steal a name. But knowingly using a name your friend is using as a tribute to their deceased sibling is a whole new level of selfishness. These two would very quickly become ex friends as well as anyone supporting them.
I can't imagine someone telling me the story behind how they chose their child's name and reacting with 'Oh my gosh, that name is perfect for *my* child' instead of 'Cool, that name is off the table, good to know'.
Seems hard to imagine, until you read a post practically identical to this at least twice a week here.
I know. I have learned from this sub that names should never be announced before it's on paper and to have a decoy name if people insist.
This. These are terrible people.
Imagine how embarrassing it would be to grow up as the other couple's daughter knowing that your own name was stolen. They're theives. NTA
Exactly, like fr this is the name of OP's dead sister and I'm assuming hes known this friend for at least sevenish years (assuming he went to college at age 19) so this friend should've known how much his sister ment to him
I have seen waaay too many of these posts on this sub and I now have it engrained into my soul to never shares my baby names.
I’m sorry OP but what can you do ? Just stick by the name you and your wife have chosen. NTA
Edit: I totally forgot lol I am a case of this me and two of my cousins all have the same first name. I am the oldest of the three and the other two siblings loved my name so much they named their daughters my name. Thankfully I don’t have a lot to do with them now since I am roughly 15years older but still it’s weird and frustrating. They try to play it off as a gift to me ………
It’s not only people “stealing” names, but when you share your intended name, people tend to criticise it. I mean fair enough if they tell you you shouldn’t name your child “Strawberry Thickshake McNuggetville”, but even perfectly ordinary or nice names get shot down, or you’ll hear “Oh I went to school with a Jessica and hated her”, or “Why don’t you call him Jayden instead? That’s a much a nicer name,” or some crap. People can feel weirdly entitled to shoot down others’ baby names choices. Like goddamn, if you feel that strongly about the name, have your own damn child and name it Jayden. Lol
This is a great point. My mother hated the name my husband picked out for our son, but we used it anyway. I liked it, but I felt like it was becoming too popular bc I know of two others with the same name. Pregnant with #2 now, and two people have said the name my husband came up with for this one (if it's a boy) is "douchey" :( It's my turn to name, anyway.
It hurts, and it sucks to be stuck with a kid you love & a name you hate bc other people put shit into your head.
I'm all for keeping names to oneself. No more. Your post helped me.
Not so sure about OP's predicament, but I do feel bad for the two children who will have the same unique names.....
I have faith in the advice of the people in this sub. The answer is in here, somewhere :)
I’m glad it helped! I’m tempted to ask what name they can consider “douchey”, that’s an odd way to describe a name, unless you are actually calling your child Douchey McDoucheface … but since we’re talking specifically about NOT sharing names, I won’t ask 😆 But depending on the people who’ve said it to you, it could say more about them than it does about your husband’s choice.
😂😂😂 Damn, you guessed it on the first try!
I'll PM you the name, if you want. Yeah, I didn't think much of it the first time someone said it.... but when a second person used the exact same word, I was like omg, we can't use this name.... The two people are different ages, races, and genders :)
Plus, MY TURN!!!
I always tell people to name their babies after my cats and when they predictably decline I concede that their chosen name is also ok
I bet your cats are adorable and that naming one’s firstborn after them would be a huge honour.
It’s bizarre, when colleagues etc say oh my baby will be named XYZ I just say oh how lovely because it’s the polite thing to do. it’s not my child and if they wanted my input on THEIR child I’m sure they would have asked, I’m very sure new parents don’t need any more judgement from people
Yeah I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone anything negative about their name choice. Then again nobody has outright told me they’re naming their child Strawberry Thickshake McNuggetville. Lol.
Yo, tell me about it. My dad always says if you have a plan don't share it, because someone will ruin it.
Yeah, I heard a lot of these stories on parenting subs before my eldest was born, so the only person I discussed her name with was my husband. Every time any other baby was born in the family I'd cross my fingers and hope that they didn't have the same idea as me (it's a common name spelled correctly).
Agreed on all counts. It will be incredibly obvious when they have to explain how their child's name means so much to them other than, they liked it. Sigh. NTA
Oh, they're going to create a whole origin story to make it sound justified. I'd bet on it.
Agreed, but I'm sure it will be blown to bits when OP's daughter says I'm named after my aunt and my other family member and they just liked the name. Kids are brutally honest.:)
Agree. Also what type of friend was this anyway when no one knew his girlfriend was pregnant? Not first trimester but the last one??
I may just be a petty asshole, but I would never miss an opportunity to say how thoughtful it was for them also to name their daughter as a tribute to your sister and also middle name as a tribute to your wife’s family. Or just make it weird by sticking with the sister. First day of kindergarten talking to the teacher, “oh, they are both named for my sister who passed away!”
I guess I’m the asshole?
I adore your pettiness. I hope they do this.
Same. I fairly cackled with glee
I love this. In my home country, sometimes people would publish birth announcements in the newspaper. OP can publish one such announcements explaining the whole significance of the name of their daughter to increase awareness.
"My best friend liked this so much that he decided to name his daughter the exact same thing, honoring my sister as well!"
I’m literally obsessed with this plan.
Yes! This was absolutely my though too. Keep bringing it up and make it awkward for the name stealing parents. Years ago I thought a friend was being dramatic by not revealing her kid’s name until she was about to give birth. After reading a bunch of these stories I get it now.
This was my first thought so I'm there with you.
And this is why you don't discuss names with anyone you don't absolutely need to until the child is born and the paperwork is filled out. There's always that ONE A-H...
When my friends are pregnant I always ask for their rejected names (love hearing the rejected ones and why they were rejected).
I tell them I don’t need to know the name until the baby is born when I’ll ask what other names they were considering.
I don’t understand when people share the name before the baby is born.
I think the people that share the name tend to be the type of people who want to see the best in others- so naive, basically. Or they're convinced they've surrounded themselves with people who wouldn't stoop that low.
It's because monograms and personalization. Baby blankets with initials and a sign for the bedroom and all that fun stuff.
You can order that without telling everyone the name
Just my opinion
We had a short list of names and waited until our son was born. Didn’t wanna decide his name was let’s say Charlie and have him come and and think that Charlie didn’t suit and James was a better fit
Actually that’s true. I’d heard of people having babies and then deciding the name didn’t suit when the baby came out, and that never made sense to me. Until it happened to me. Lol
I was that baby. My parents had 2 names and weren't sure which to pick. I came out and they said to themselves "He doesn't look like a Ross" and named me the other choice.
Then my first college roommate looked enough like me to be brothers and his name was Ross...
I shared the name early because of my elderly Gran. I wanted her to know we were naming our baby after her. She’s 97 so we didn’t know how long we’d have.
She’s still with us thankfully and got to meet her great granddaughter 2 weeks ago
NTA. I'm glad you handled this all right now, so they can't spin the story later. I'd go further and announce it on Facebook and mention the significance of the names, so they look as bad as they are when they announce the stolen names. I'd also make it very clear to your friend that you can't own a name, but stealing the name of your dead sister is going to change the way you look at him forever, so he should make his decision knowing that.
Yeah, this might be petty but if they went on facebook, shared the names and explains why they chose those names, OP's friends will look like total assholes when they share their baby's name and its the exact same but their reasoning is "oh.. because I liked it"
Yeah a long status saying how much you miss your sister and thought long and hard about how best to honor her. "The minute we had a positive pregnancy test I finally knew the best way to honor her. My sister will always live in my heart and now my heart will live outside of my body in the form of my daughter. I can't wait to meet you, ____ daughters/sisters name_____."
Really fucking hit home about this name. Make them uncomfortable to even bring up that they named their daughter the same thing.
They are not his friends, friends don’t treat each other that way. Op, drop the people who are harassing you, keep the ones who back you up.
It's definitely NTA but just to clarify, the friends are suggesting that OP and his wife change their child's name because OPs child is not born yet. The friends child is already born and named.
NTA at all. I would text them and be very clear
"Just so you are clear I will always tell people what happened so when a teacher comments, and they will "oh how unusual they have the same first and second name", I will say " Actually my daughter is named after my deceased sister and wife's family member. X and Y copied the name, it was deeply upsetting but what can you do, some people are just selfish and lack imagination " and I will keep saying it, people on the street, teachers the whole way up, parents of their school friends, at parties, over and over you will constantly be the ones embarrassed at your own actions. You'll be so sick of me saying it you'll probably hate me and the name but hey ho I don't give a shiny shit about anyone who gives no shits about me, my daughter and actually their own daughter, because you are knowingly setting your own kid up for this too"
How about “Our daughter was named for important members of our family, and their daughter was named for our daughter.” Throw in “back when we used to be friends” for some extra zing.
Lmfao this one is so short and concise and just the right amount of sass!
It also takes into consideration the fact that no matter what, the daughters will be in the middle of this. The parents can resent each other, but I wouldn’t condone encouraging the daughters to resent one another.
“Their daughter was named after my daughter who was born after their daughter.” Whew, I’m cackling!!!
I'm petty enough to do this. Screw them is their fault. His for not putting a foot down and being Spineless to not stand up to her. Hers for being unimaginative and selfish.
I think you misspelled "truthful" as "petty."
And don't forget that when you do send this message to save a print screen and frame it. Then keep it on your wall at home near the entrance (near coat hanger) so that when ppl visit you that will see it and read it. And most likely take a photo of it to post on social media.
Ah! Don't forget to include his/ their entitled answer too.
The funniest thing about this, is that this is the classic dad vs next door neighboor dad grudge, the Turner vs Dinkleberg thing.
This would be hilarious to see
It's the same thing, but with a dark realistic twist (Dinkleberg is actually an asshole and Turner is a good dad)
Edit: Turned being a good dad is the dark twist, fuck children ^(/s)
That kid (*with the stolen name*) will surely grow up feeling like a failure. I'm sure it will affect the kid more than the parents.
^ This, unfortunately
Never show your hand before you play it. This would only provide them the opportunity to steal that as well and use it against OP first.
Idk, I don’t think the name thieves have a deceased sister with the name or the significance of the middle name...
I'm willing to bet the people with the audacity to steal a personal baby name from a friend probably aren't above stealing the backstory to save face.
I mean, why would a teacher comment? They clearly aren’t that close if the OP didn’t know they were having a kid until she was 7 month pregnant.
Also, like I get this is a joke, but for the love of god don’t get teachers involved in this petty shit. We don’t care. We have better things to do than read a rambling message or hear a weird tirade about kids names. Seriously if a parent of one of my students sent me something like this I would think they were nutty and would contact them as little as possible.
People on this subreddit have the strangest revenge fantasies that aren't even realistic. Like the teacher is gonna go "ooohhhh burn!!!" And then give snarky comments to the other parents.
Yeah, I'm not keen on this at all.
I really don't think it's going to be that big of a deal for two girls to have the same first name as they will have different last names, even if it is an uncommon name. I knew a lot of kids in school with the same first names. Somehow they managed to cope.
Yeah, it was a shitty thing for OP's "friend" to pull, considering that they intended that OP wouldn't be able to use the name, but it's not going to cause a ton of confusion, and they won't be the only kids in school with the same name.
Right!? No teacher gives a rat's ass. There were 3 Jessica Marie's in my high school of under 300. Nobody cares about you all naming your kid Ava Grace, even if your favorite Grammy was named one of those. It's just a name, focus on how you raise them not to be petty assholes.
The only thing is, you gotta bear in mind that the kids are completely innocent in all this. I don’t think Op needs to shut up about it if people ask about the names, but to go OUT of his way to tell teachers and other school parents and all, that is setting both the kids up to hate each other, or for the other child to be bullied if Op’s child is popular, or for Op’s child to be bullied if the other child is popular. Much as I hate what Op’s former friend has done and think they are despicable AH’s, the CHILDREN are innocent and this kind of revenge behaviour carried out in public is not healthy. School can be hard enough - don’t make it a battleground for parent wars too.
Exactly, when the kid asks “how did I get my name” it’ll be “oh, we stole it from our friend during a Zoom call. You’re named after *his* sister whom we’ve never met.”
That poor kid.
This is the way
This is the way we wash our hands
No, I disagree with this approach. Friends are clearly assholes not OP. However, OP doesnt have carte blanche on being asshole to the kid.
I seriously do not understand how you get downvotes for saying people shouldn’t be an asshole to the kid.
Pfffffft @me. I would literally tell EVERYONE. OP is definitely NTA
I...love this. As long as it’s not said around the kid directly cause it’s not that kids fault their parents are 💩
I’m always surprised when I see these types of threads that there’ll be people saying “no-one owns a name”. That is completely true of course, and in some circumstances it’s no biggie. I had two co-workers each have sons once and decide to call their kids Thomas, and no-one batted an eyelid over it. But whenever someone says “I’m going to call my baby this, it’s a meaningful name to me because it was the name of a close relative who died”, and there’s a friend who says “oh I’m going to call my baby that now, and btw I insist that you can’t use the name that had so much meaning to you because I’m using it first now, ner ner”, the name-stealer is not a good friend in any universe. NTA
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards, kind strangers! I did not expect my comment warranted it, but I’m very humbled.
🏅🏅🏅 if i wasn't so cheap you'd have a reward!! This exactly! OP's "friend" sucks
I got ya!
(Thanks for the free award to gift Reddit!!)
Haha I love dem free awards! Thank you so much x
Aww don’t worry, I’m cheap too, I can’t afford to buy awards, but thank you for the thought! As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Something similar happened to my mom. She was talking with another pregnant mom while she was pregnant with me. They were talking about the name they would give their daughter. My mom told her my name and how it was an important name since it was related to literature that is really important for my father and so and so. Well that woman took my name written the exact same way and gave it to her daughter that was born a month before me. My parents were pretty pissed since she never heard of the name before the discussion with my mom (she told my mom during the discussion) and started to say to anyone she would meet how it was her idea from the beginning and that my mom was the one stealing it.
I think that’s the mark of a very insecure person. I used to have a friend years ago who would make sure to buy the exact same things I had - swimming costume, music CDs, purse or handbag, etc. - and would even colour her hair the same way, but I found out she told everyone I was the one copying her. She had a lot of insecurities and I think it was important to her to not only copy me, but drag me down to other people as well. Weird thing was, annoyed as I was, I also felt sorry for her because I thought she had some mental illnesses, but eventually I had to cut ties. Hopefully your mum and the other lady weren’t that close and didn’t have to move in the same circles all the time. Eventually people do see through other people’s crap though.
We had a girl this year, and about 5 friends and family members were due with girls around the same time. Both Sophia and Margaret were on our short list, and got “taken” by close relatives earlier in the year. We decided to go with a less common name, and I’m happy it happened that way, because there are like 19 million of each that I know now.
I don't know what's going on with people these days. You can hear a name and absolutely love it, while still having restraint and knowing that it is not okay to "steal" it.
With the number of these stories popping up, maybe it's best to keep your baby's name a secret until they're named.
The ner ner got me.
NTA they stole your meaningful idea for a baby name and tried to play chicken with you. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Good for you not bending over and taking it.
How jealous and petty are these people who hear some random name from someone else and all of a sudden that's the only perfect name in all of existence of the whole world and time. It's not that the name is so singularly perfect, it's because of the jealousy that lives in that person that wants what someone else has. In my opinion.
I agree with this interpretation, honestly. I don't buy that this GF just *loved* the name so much that she couldn't have anything else 2-3 months before the baby was born. I think she liked/was jealous of that deep, meaningful name connection, and her stubbornness to change it was partially borne out of that.
Joke's on her, though, because those are also the same people who love \~unique\~ names and hate when anyone gets remotely close to their kid's name.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes, man am I glad OP was the one who made it clear it wasn’t okay. I can sense he’ll be a great dad!
Never tell anybody your chosen name. An identical post to this is posted here every few days, it's clearly a really common problem. NTA.
My mom hated the name my sister chose for her daughter, repeatedly making comments before the birth that she should change it, including AT HER WEDDING when the DJ gave her the mic and asked for her “wishes for the happy couple,” and my mom said “I wish they’d pick a new name for the baby.” My poor sister was horrified.
And then she didn’t understand the next day why I yelled at her for it and didn’t speak to her for months, or why years later I wouldn’t tell her the name we picked in advance.
My mom is great in a lot of ways but, damn, she has her bullshit moments.
I don't think that's a good name for a baby.
Wow. I loathe my niece's name, but I just gave her a nickname and use her middle name when scolding her like a normal person. To do what your mother did is beyond insane. I didn't even tell my brother's baby mama that I hated the name she picked.
If you don't already, try to use her middle name outside of scoldings as well. I hated my middle name for years. This was partly because I only ever heard it used when something decidedly uncool was about to happen for me.
I've always hated my full name because it only ever came out on the first days of school and when I was trouble. It makes me bristle now whenever it's used. My work ID and user profile all use my nickname, I put my nickname down on everything but the most official paperwork, I even used my nickname for my wedding ceremony and vows.
P.S. I'm stealing the phrase "something decidedly uncool is/was about to happen" because it's decidedly cool.
I'm surprised why people keep telling names, there's so many of these posts on here
We decided not to tell anyone either not for stealing it but for giving unsolicited advice. Seemed to help.
Yes! It drove my busybody mother nuts that she didn't know it and couldn't tell everyone it, but it totally avoided all this drama. The only down side is that apparently my daughter's first and middle name ended up being the same as a popular children's book character and I didn't realize it... but it's pretty benign all things considered.
It's Amelia Bedelia isn't it.
Damn got it in one.
It's kind of an AH move to name your kid Curious George.
NTA. They are the ones who "stole" the name to begin with. The kids will have different last names (presumably), it'll be fine.
Exactly! I grew up with two friends named Kelly Ann. They lived less than 5 minutes apart, but nobody really noticed because they had different last names.
Our kids have like 1000 Avas in their school.
Well like 20.
There were dozens of Michelles and Natashas in my high school. My college overflowed with Rebeccas, Jennifers, Lisas, Sara/hs and Megans. They were all fine.
So many Jennifers here!
It is common knowledge that every girl born in 1982 was named Jennifer, and every girl born in 1983 was named Erin. At least that’s what my elementary school led me to believe.
Born in 83, and am not an Erin :) Although there were 4 other girls with my first name, and about 10 with the same middle name.
I also know too many Jessicas born in 1984
> Born in 83, and am not an Erin :)
Because you legally changed your name at 18, Erin, don't lie to us.
20% of the guys in my high school were named Daniel my Junior year.
Wait, are they stealing the middle name as well?
Yep. Audacious of them.
Yes they are. Which makes them double TA.
My first vote is for lifelong NC, second option is assigning the other kid an obnoxious nickname and sticking to it like glue.
That second option seems like an A H move, since despite the actions of her parents she definitely isn't an A H here. She might turn into one later in life, but isn't one now.
100% NTA. This kind of crap is why my wife and I refused to tell anyone what names we’d chosen for our kids until they were born. Your friend and his girlfriend are the Aholes here.
Same. We had a list of several names and just waited til they were born to work which of the names suited them best - we still didn't tell anyone about the list other than 'we have a list'
People need to stop telling other people what names they've chosen for their baby.
There seems to be no honor among name-thieves.
It's not like you ran to his parents to snitch on him. They asked you a question and you answered.
And no, you shouldn't consider a name change if you don't want to.
And you need better friends.
Correct, people need to stop revealing their baby names before actually having the baby and naming them. There’s a post like OPs at least once a week. It’s getting a bit ridiculous.
Everytime I hear these stories, I feel like the best thing to do would be to embarrass the living shit out of these two by publicly, on social media, sarcastically saying something to the effect of "Thank you Dave and Kim. It's such an honor that you would also choose to name your daughter Beverly Rose, after my sister and Amy's grandmother. My family is so thankful for your thought and care, that you would also pay tribute to our loved ones"
Then next time they get pregnant. Steal their name and adopt a dog to give it to.
This comment made my day, truly.
NTA, they could've at least done a different variation. Also this is why you don't reveal names till it's on paper!
NTA, but really at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. There's a good chance your friendship with fade as you age. I mean, how close are you that you didn't even know his girlfriend was 7 months pregnant?
You still have 5 years before their school aged and one of you may move. Even if they do end up at the same school, they will have different last names and everyone will know who your daughter was named after, and people will know they copied you.
If the dude didn't tell anyone and OP hasn't physically seen them bc of covid, it's entirely possible/reasonable OP didn't know. Why did the 'friend' suddenly decide to tell the group?
Maybe it's just a regional thing, but where I'm from, you tell your good friends when you're expecting a baby, especially your first, much earlier than at 7 months. And especially when you're also expecting a child. I just find that part strange. Surprise, I'm also expecting a baby in two months and I'm taking your name! Terrible friend.
NTA. Just reply to every text "that's my dead sister's name." That may shut them up. I lost my sister too, so I know how bad that hurts. I plan on naming my future child after her also, and I wish you all the luck in the world with this situation and your new baby when she comes.
NTA. Normally I lean towards “no one owns a name” but when someone steals the name of your dead sister, and the middle name too, they’re definitely the asshole. I agree with the poster above who says they think you should tell every single person, for all eternity, that they stole the name of your dead sister when you told them you were naming the child that.
Absolutely NTA and basically screw anyone that thinks you’re in the wrong. Don’t change the name, and if it’s nothing for them to be ashamed of what do they have to fear when you tell people? That they will have to admit what they did was messed up? Also, reconsider your friendships.
NTA. And just make sure that when you’re daughter is old enough, she knows the story of how the other girl’s parents stole the name, and who she’s named after.
Gosh this is what I thought too but yeah those girls are going to have a hard time growing up.
You are naming your daughter to honor your sister. They named theirs because on a whim, heard a name and liked it. They put the backlash in themselves for that one. The fallout is theirs to deal with.
Agreed. This likely falls into the “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” category of karmic justice.
OP you are NTA.
NTA. I’d rethink the friends who are siding with people who stole a name meant to honor your dead sister!
NTA. They should have at least made the decision on a different middle name or switch the first to the middle name. They "stole" it. I would feel very disappointed in a friend doing that. Also, his parents asked, what they with that information is on them, not you.
NTA for anything. Nobody “owns” a name (apart from the person with the name themselves). Your friend and his wife are a dick for “stealing” the name but at the end of the day, you can still name your daughter the same thing. Your daughter will grow up knowing she was named after your sister and a meaningful family name. The other girl? Her name has no meaning at all.
NTA. And I'd make it really clear to your friend that you will explain why your daughters have the same name every single time someone comments on it.
> I do feel like it will make it a little difficult for both the girls to have the same name and the same middle name since both names aren't super common, not to mention they will most likely be in the same grade.
I'm a teacher, just saying: you don't have to worry about this. I'm assuming you have different last names? They will just be Jessie B. and Jessie. C.
NTA. They are the ones that “stole” your name choice. Your friends siding with them are being silly.
NTA people NEED to stop pre-anouncing names
NTA name your child as you chose to do and to heck with anyone else
NTA. They stole the name even though it had family meaning to you.
NTA and these people are NOT your friends
damn, if there’s anything I’ve learned on Reddit, it’s to not reveal your baby’s name before they’re born.
NTA. They’re directly copying you, and that’s not cool. Hopefully they have a change of heart, especially if you have your baby first.
If they’re dead set on keeping the same name, maybe they would be open to an alternate spelling? The reason I say this is because of what happened with my daughter. Long story short, I didn’t know I was her father until after she was born. Because of that, I wasn’t there for the birth or any of the naming discussions. Her mom had no knowledge of my family outside of me. Anyways, the name her mom came up with was the exact same name my cousin named his daughter 6-8 year earlier. The only different is the names, *both first and middle* are alternate spellings. It was totally a freak occurrence, but it all worked out.
NTA! The gf of your friend the biggest AH to ever live! Your friend is also the AH for telling his gf the name and for allowing his gf to use the name knowing where you got the name from.
Do not give in to your former friend and his AH gf! Use the name just as you first decided.
Never tell anyone ever again about a name you are going to use unless the name is already on the child’s birth certificate!!!
NTA and don’t change the name. Your daughter’s name has 100% beautiful meaning to you and your wife. Your friend and his girlfriend don’t have that connection with it. You did nothing wrong with his parents either. They asked you a question and you gave an honest answer. It was incredibly inconsiderate what your friend did and he deserved the dressing down his parents gave him. Make sure your daughter grows up knowing the meaning behind her name. Your friend’s daughter will not have that. Don’t engage your friend anymore about it. If he makes a fuss always remind him of the reasons you choose that name and then remind him he chose it because you mentioned it. Don’t get emotional and do not give it up.