AITA for refusing to attend a wedding when my husband is not welcome there?
By - aitathroawayacc
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I think I am the asshole because I could be selfish because the day should be about the bride and not about me and my need to have my husband there.
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NTA. You and your husband are 100% correct.
What on earth did she think your response would be? I think "Both of us or neither of us" is entirely fair.
For someone who is about to get married, she seems to have an odd idea of what marriage entails. You cant have it both ways.
It sounds like she is essentially saying "My marriage is important, yours is not"
Thank you so much. I really started to feel bad cause of the other friend saying I should respect the bride and that it is her day. I woudn't mind it if she just agreed with me not wearing heels but this felt like too much to ask. I am also worried it would hurt my husband if I agree with her aand I didn't want to lie to him and pretend that the reason is something else.
NTA. The bride is being very rude and shallow and so is your other friend. Time to get new friends.
Agreed—this is not how real friends behave.
This is just not how normal people behave. Friend or no friend, you don't exclude someone *for their height*.
Unless it’s a roller coaster
That's true. Though at 5'5" he would be tall enough for all the rides too.
Is this real? Are people really like this? I swear I don't think I know anyone like this! This type of behavior is so shocking to me, but yet I see it so often in the sub. I'm just bewildered.
I think this is a cheese reason and she’s not saying the real reason.
Yeah talk about insulting
Height is an uncontrollable physical attribute. We'd be causing an uproar if a bride told her bridesmaid she was too fat to be in wedding pictures-- this is the same, if not worse with the husband's height! I am absolutely livid on the husband's behalf. NTA.
Definitely NTA. I would ditch the bride and the other friend who said “don’t make a drama out of it” too. You’re standing up to a bully with really old fashioned mindset. Please don’t let her do this to you OP.
I also don’t understand how anyone could tell you what to wear and what not to wear and who you could bring because it’s “my day”. I might never get this because I’m from a different culture. But UNINVITING your husband seems to be a bit too far.
Thank you so much for the support.
Reading all the comments I am realising that she went too far and I was not being unreasonable.
Op, I think your friends dont like your husband and they are making up excuses. I bet you all the money in my bank account ( all the 10$ on it) that if you suggest your husband to wear insoles the bride will come up with some dumb excuse. ( I'm not saying your husband should wear insoles, f* that bride)
Or to be extra petty, ask husband if he wants to wear heels too. Problem solved!
The big ass stripper heels
I laughed at this and immediately thought of the sequined red thigh high boots from the Cyndi Lauper musical Kinky Boots.
I was thinking of the red leather ones from the movie version. :)
Like the ones RDJ wore for all the avengers movies.
"We'll trade shoes for pictures together" LOL! I can't imagine there would really be that many picture with him and you if you are in the wedding party and he is not. She's just showing you that she totally sucks. I'd definitely drop any friend that made such negative comments about someone's appearance that they have no control over, especially my own husband.
Yeah this is very weird move, I mean, if the reason the bride doesn't want to invite OP's husband is because she wants to make her day "perfect", isn't having a maid missing her groomsman would make the photos look even more "imperfect"? Rather than just one couple looks a little bit 'untraditional' in term of height differences?
Thing is, most of the time the Maid of Honor is paired with the Best Man. Even for photos the bridesmaids usually pose with the brides and the groomsmen pose with the groom - and no spouses are included in those photos. So yeah, I think y'all are onto something here.
Regardless of why, the bride is still an ah for trying to exclude her Maid of Honor's husband and say he can't even attend the wedding.
I really don't know where this the mentality that 'a wedding is about the bride' came from, weddings are all about love, the bride and groom's love. The bride is not the protagonist of life, that's why we have birthdays.
If you're getting married and uninvite the love of your MOH's life because of shallow reasons, you're not that ready for marriage.
Yes! They're about the bride and groom coming together, and the family/community that affirms and celebrates it.
I was at a friend's wedding reception many years ago where the groom made that really clear: that he and his wife are now married, but it's family and friends that brought them together and family and friends who will help keep them together, because they're only two people surrounded by friends and family who love them.
It was beautiful. Really. It changed how I look at marriage. I still think about how well it was said, 22 years later. (And, if you ever read this, Tim: you're the man.)
I will say that telling a bridesmaid what to wear is pretty common, but it’s absolutely expected that married couples attend together as a unit.
And “respect the bride’s wishes” doesn’t cover her behaving like an asshole. It covers not arguing with her about the DJ’s playlist, her napkin colors and not wearing white. If she asks you to disrespect your own marriage, she’s waaaay out of bounds.
absolutely. Maybe the wedding gift should be a book on etiquette, because inviting one half of a spouse to a major event is a prime example of poor manners.
And to not invite him because of some tacky, shallow reason, and express that to her maid of honor. This lady telling me everything I need to know about her in one short story.
Yes. I think there are some reasons - all of them about someone's own former behavior - that might warrant someone saying to their friend "hey you're really important to me but your husband hates me/was racist to my brother/doesn't approve of my fiance/did something unforgivable a long time ago like get drunk and hurt my dog/whatever and I want you to be in my wedding party but I'm not comfortable inviting him" but I think you STILL need to follow that with "but I completely understand if that doesn't work for you and I'm so sorry you can't be at our celebration. Let's celebrate just the two of us at some point."
I came here to comment this. If the bride has a real reason to not want husband there, that it one thing. And, it still boils down to OP's choice if she is okay not attending with her husband.
NTA. The bride is showing zero respect to you. I wouldn't attend either and would probably be ending the relationship over this. Your husband wouldn't be in her professional, formal pictures anyhow.
This is the best place to jump in with my comment. As someone whose Matron of Honor was 5" taller than her husband I can assure you, my wedding pictures DO NOT look funny. They are together in a few that I requested, but not in the wedding party pictures. Not that it would matter to me, they are an adorable couple. BTW, a skilled photographer can move people around and set risers up so everyone can be the same height if that is what your picky a** bride requires.
The photographer at my brothers wedding did this but put me (a 6’2” woman) on the top riser and the shorter bridesmaids below. I look like the enormous Amazon queen that I am lmao
Take my meager award your Majesty!
I love the mental image you gave me.
If only you had a sword, right?
My first award! Thank you!
And of course, I always carry a sword
My brother has a buddy who's pretty short, around 5'3." His wife is probably 5'9." They're an adorable couple and look great together.
Also, as someone whose male relatives are all short (my brother and dad around 5'6" I think), I would not be friends with someone so ridiculous. People are not props for your wedding photos. Her priorities are deeply fucked. Also, why would the MOH's husband be in most of the wedding pics if he's not actually in the wedding?
One of my bridesmaids is 6'1." The guy she walked down the aisle with was shorter. No one gives a shit.
Hell look at Seth Green. His wife is significantly taller but they look fantastic together
For sure. I think short guys are super cute (and crushed on quite a few of them back in my single days). Only weirdos care of someone's wife/gf is taller.
Yup my bf was just in a wedding, guess what I was in almost 0 shots as a guest, except for other guests. I'm 7" taller and while it's different than what people are used to I don't think it's that odd. My dad is 12" taller than my mom.
>other friend saying I should respect the bride and that it is her day
I really ***loathe*** this mindset.
First of all, it's not the bride's day. It's the couple's day. Or is she getting married to herself?
Secondly, do brides who think like this not realize that once the day is over, life goes on? Now there's a whole marriage, where compromise will be a vital part of sharing your life with someone? Do these brides not plan to have friends after the day is over? Because they won't.
Third, unless you're marrying into royalty like Kate marrying Prince William or Meghan Markle marrying Prince Harry, the whole world is not stopping to watch. There's no paparazzi. The wedding photos will not be published for the world to see and judge. No one - literally no one other than the people involved - will look at her wedding photos and I guarantee no one will even think twice about the teeny tiny height difference between you and your husband. Especially since the only people who care about the photos will be people who know you as a couple.
Ugh. So NTA
>No one - literally no one other than the people involved - will look at her wedding photos
I just realized that the one thing that's worse than being forced to watch someone else's holiday photo's is being forced to watch someone else's wedding photo's.
NTA. It's not the "day is around the bride", it is "the wedding is about the couple". One can only wonder if she chose her husband based on his height as well. But regardless, your husband comes miles before bridezilla's demands.
That’s the kind of people that want to get married because of the wedding and not the marriage itself.
I think some people tend to forget that while the most important people at the wedding are the couple, that does not erase the guests from existence. It's a pass to put the spotlight on you for a day, not to treat your friends and family as props in your bigoted fantasies.
I’ll piggyback here to say this to OP.
Maid of honor is NOT a prop. But a person who the bride is supposedly very close to. And your husband is not an accessory, but your life partner.
Her demand diminishes you to a character in her wedding and/or trivializes your relationship. The fact it is “her day”, does not change that requests must be within acceptable decent boundaries. Hers are not.
It’s amazing how often the “it’s my special day” line is used to excuse bad dictatorial behavior.
It’s also amazing how many brides are so into “it’s my special day” and “it’s all about me” that they forget the wedding is only the prelude to a marriage. It’s supposed to be a celebration with friends and loved ones of the upcoming marriage, not a day of pageantry where the wedding party and guests are just matching props for the Queen of the Day Show.
Theres SO. MANY. BRIDES. I know of that have waited their whole lives to have a wedding to "have a day that caters to me" --- many of them act like they dont even care who is at the altar with them come day-of, it's just that **they** finally got **their** day. 🙄 dont hang out with the few that were friends anymore cause of crazy nonsense like this, and I will never work at a bridal gown store again because brides are insane.
Tell me about it. I’ve had my share of bridezillas in my line of business as a graphic designer and printer. Holy crap, the stories I could tell! It got to the point where when a bride walked into my shop, my employees would nope the fuck out of there and go hide in the lunchroom, LOL! NO ONE wanted to be the one helping her, especially if she was accompanied by the momzilla. The level of rudeness and entitlement was simply outrageous. Not all brides were horrible, we got a few awesome ones too, but the bridezillas were so horrible they just completely overshadowed the good ones.
I could only imagine having an actual creative job dealing with these types of people. 0.0 I was the complaints department T.T I ONLY got the rudeness, now *some* were justified honestly. Our bridal store was more a major online retailer more so than the brick and mortar shops getting business, and honestly they were a terrible shop. Some anger was 100% fair but the ones that were for example just *the bride* or the mother fucked up their own order and ignored multiple contacts trying to warn them of timings and such turned into psychotic several paragraphs long emails full of bolded fonts, and red highlights. My top 3 have been threats to have the Canadian Royal Mounties sent after me, threats to choke me with their dress fabric, and my top favorite was my largest, reddest, font email I ever got where she elaborately described her threat to come down to the store, find me and repeatedly jump on me. She didnt specify if this was to death/maim/etc....just, jump on me.
Good Lord! Luckily, I’ve never been physically threatened, but I have been called every name in the book, and some names were so creative, they were never IN the book, LOL!
My favorite was when the bridezilla got the her dad’s and groom’s name wrong on the invites. She used the informal “Mike” instead of “Michael” for both the groom and the bride’s dad (they had the same first name). When I pointed out during the proofing that she’s supposed to use the formal rendition of the name, she got pissy with me. Said SHE knows better than me what her dad and fiancé’s names are. I said okie dokie. Want to guess what happened? Momzilla blew up when she saw the invites and blamed ME. When I told her that I did indeed try to get her to change it and what her response to me was, she said that’s no excuse, I should have made the change anyway. Um, what?? I offered to reprint at cost and she blew up again. She expected me to reprint the invites free even though it was the bridezilla’s mistake. Yeah, that was a big-ass no. She’s lucky I didn’t charge her double!
It's so hilarious when the moms think the rest of the world will operate the way they did this brides entire life: no, I'm sorry, your daughter is a grown woman who is capable of knowing how to properly communicate her needs and this is what she communicated. Other people are not going to just make changes without her consent if she does something wrong. She has to fix her own mistakes.
It reminds me of something a child would say throwing a tantrum on their birthday. "BUT IT'S MY SPECIAL DAY, WAAAAAAAA"
There could be a time and a place to go to a wedding solo/respect the bride. The only ones I can think of off the top of my head are a) COVID number restrictions; b) if he was your boyfriend and not your husband, and this is one is also culture-dependent; and c) if your husband and your friend had an actual falling-out and she is trying to save face.
None of these reasons mention height. Your friend is being a shallow B. NTA.
Tbh I'm not sure I would go to a wedding without my partner unless the couple had an extremely good reason for not inviting him. Shoot, he was invited to the last wedding I went to even though he and the bride had a weird misunderstanding that fucked up our friendship for awhile. Weddings are boring and awkward if you don't have anyone you're comfortable with to hang out with.
There was an AITA post not long ago where a woman and her platonic life partner were separately invited and not-invited to a wedding and it was so strange to me how many people were shaming the OP for not wanting to go to the wedding without her partner. Its apparently weirdly uncommon for others to register how awkward and unfun it can be for some people to attend events by themselves. Apparently introverts just dont exist to a lot of people 🙄
Exactly this. If the reason was COVID restrictions or budget or something like that, and OP would have refused, then the card "This day is about the bride" could have been played. But the height? Really?
I wouldn't even want to be friends with someone like that.
I don't know if it's different where you are or not but, at my wedding (10 years ago) none of the spouses of the wedding party were in the traditional wedding party photos. My best mans wife, and the husband of my wifes maid of honour were at the wedding as guests and while they are in some of the generic 'here's the wedding' photos they weren't involved in the major wedding party photos.
I'm not sure how your husbands height would come in to play unless there is a different tradition where spouses of wedding party members were involved in photos too.
If her day includes not inviting someone because of their height, then do you really want to be there for that day?
If the bride asked you to shave your head or get plastic surgery, those would be idiotic demands. Uninviting your husband because of his height/skin color/accent/etc are all extremely shallow reasons and very very rude. Uninviting someone is rude, generally. Stick to your guns.
This idea that a bride is queen for a day who can demand anything she wants is so horrifically self absorbed I wish it would go away.
To be honest, even if she invited your husband now, would you want to go? This woman has shown how shallow she is. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.
If she will apologize till tomorrow then we would come, otherwise not. It could be wedding stress and in that case we would forgive her (after the apology).
I don't get why brides want to demand their bridesmaids wear heels. I've had to bow out of bridesmaid duties because heels were demanded and the bride KNEW before hand that I couldn't wear heels because of a back injury that I have.
And honestly, even without health issues, some women just don't like heels and they shouldn't be forced to wear them just because someone thinks the pics will be better that way.
Yes, it’s the bride’s wedding day, but it’s a pretty poor way to start a marriage by disrespecting someone else’s. Married people are invited as a social unit, unless there is a damn good reason. This is not a good enough reason.
If you do not attend the wedding, the "it is the bride's day" saying does not fly. She is getting married that day sure, but it's just another day for you.
I could think of at least three compromises she could make if height was so vital:
* Take pictures with bridesmaids only, not bridesmaids and partners, and don't have any partners in the staged pictures
* Get a little crate or stool to stand on to even out shorter and taller people. It's actually pretty normal to have tools to make pictures look good, especially if all people in the back stand on something
* Get him to not stand directly next to you but more on the side, maybe with other shorter people. Not everyone needs to be coupled up
* Talk to the photographer on how to 'fix' the height. Photographers are professionals, they deal with this stuff alllll the time and know how to make pictures look good
More importantly, most of these suggestions don't even target OP's husband as 'the problem' and work for all people there, so there's no embarassment in it. And husband can come.
I mean, I wouldn't care about shorter vs taller people to begin with, but even if you do, that's not a reason to not invite people. At all.
> Take pictures with bridesmaids only, not bridesmaids and partners, and don't have any partners in the staged pictures
That’s the standard anyway, where I’m from at least. Partners of the wedding party don’t factor into the staged pictures at all.
If your bride is calling you her maid of honor she is not recognizing the fact that you are married which would make you her matron of honor. Why have a married friend stand up for you at your wedding if you don’t admire her marriage?
I'm so tired of brides claiming people have to follow their ridiculous demands because it's "their" day. It's their day to have their love celebrated, period. It's not their day to become tyrants and order everyone else around!
>It sounds like she is essentially saying "My marriage is important, yours is not"
It's worse than that. She's more concerned about the appearance of things at her party than she is about her marriage.
She's saying "my *wedding* is more important than your marriage."
Or even more precisely: "My wedding photos--even though the husband of my maid of honor will be in like 2 of them--are more important than your marriage"
Seriously, OPs husband is barely going to be in ANY photos. Worrying about his height is absurd. I think your friends just doesn't like OPs husband for some reason.
OP's husband can be in every single wedding photo and "he's too short" would still be an absurd, incredibly shitty complaint to have. Seriously, I pity anyone in this sociopath's circle.
> Or even more precisely: "My wedding photos--even though the husband of my maid of honor will be in like 2 of them--are more important than your marriage"
Right? Assuming the photographer has a digital camera, it's not like there's a limit to the amount of photos she'll get for the wedding. She can just not post or use any photos with OP's husband if she's that concerned with how it will look.
It reminds me of this AITA post:
Agreed but one change. The bride is saying *her party* is more important than the OP’s *marriage.* NTA, OP. No party is more important than your marriage.
NTA. Don't go and tell the bride-to-be that it is unfortunate that her guest list will be a little
The bride is acting like the “height” of entitlement. She pretends like she has some prominent “stature” but OP is right to cut her down to “size.” OP, stand by your husband, even if that means digging in your literal heels. NTA.
No, actually shes saying the optics of her wedding production are more important than OPs feelings.
NTA. Weddings are supposed be bringing two families together and celebrating it with family and friends.
>Weddings are supposed be bringing two families together and celebrating it with family and friends.
Wrong! Turns out its just a photo opportunity! /s
NTA and I would completely ditch this person as a friend.
We have known each other for a very long time so I don't want to end the friendship but I think that she won't forgive me if I won't come to the wedding.
Maybe you shouldn't forgive her for being awful.
Agreed. The bride sounds atrocious.
He's your HUSBAND. If she doesn't know how to respect your marriage enough to look past some arbitrary aesthetic preference, then she's simply not ready for marriage herself. She's not even ready for a wedding.
I mean, how many photos of you and your husband are going to be involved anyway since he's not a standing as a groomsman? Maybe one "official photo" of you as a couple? Which would be so adorable because it's a married couple celebrating a friend's wedding? Joy begets joy.
Good friendships have nothing to do with the length of time you've known each other, it's all about how you treat one another. If this is how she is towards you and your spouse, this is not a friend worth holding onto. Many people seem to think they absolutely have to hold onto childhood friends for some reason, even if they're shit towards you. You don't.
Are you willing to ruin your marriage or at the very least deal a harsh blow to the man you pledged to love through everything? You’re going to have to choose and one relationship is going to have an impact no matter what.
I would never ruin my marriage over this.
Then don’t feel guilty about your friend. She obviously isn’t understanding this lesson from her own wedding.
Yuck, the choice is so obvious. She will be the A if she chooses her friend over her husband.
Your husband does not like this woman for a reason, this can not be the only instance where she disrespected him. Look back, has she ever made him uncomfortable with passive aggressive comments about his height or something else? Someone who would disrespect their best friends husband because of his height is shallow and not worth being friends with. As long as he treats you with respect she should be happy her best friend found someone to love and share her life with.
I would seriously reconsider my friendship with this woman. If she can not respect your relationship and wants you to go to her wedding without your husband she is a shit friend and does not deserve to be in your life. You are NTA but your friend definitely is.
And now there’s no redeeming friend to hubs because friend doesn’t want him there because of his height. He’ll always know that friend talks shit about his height. Like who even does that.
Let me put it to you this way:
You are telling your husband that you are okay continuing a relationship with someone that is profoundly disrespectful not only of your relationship, but his existance.
As someone whos spouse has done this to me: dont do this. Your marriage WILL suffer for it and your spouse will also harbor a lot of resentment that you are more fine with allowing someone to disrespect them than you are being slightly uncomfortabke standing up for them.
Op, how would you feel if a bride told you to lose weight for the wedding?
You can't change height. The bridezilla is not your friend.
You don’t need to be the one to teach her, but she needs to learn some things.
If she is mad at you for not going along with her insane bridezilla request, she’s not a friend.
NTA and she’s not a real friend- I would tell her you’re not going and unless she gives a real heartfelt apology you’re not going to be friends anymore.
I don't think she will aplogize. I know her for a very long time so I don't want to lose her as a friend but I think she will not forgive me that I didn't come to her wedding .
Friends are based on quality of friendship, not length of service. There is no pass for time served.
That is an excellent way of putting it.
I know it's just hard to drop it all just like that
Yeah but hasn't she kind of already dropped you? Thing is if she was such a good friend then she'd be respectful of both of you, regardless of how she feels about your husband and how you guys look together, because that's what real friendship is. Real friends love you unconditionally, they take the good and the bad and make the best of it. I mean, not to sound too mean towards OP, but she's kind of treating you like a doormat.
This, op think about it, she is dropping you cause your husband is 1 cm shorter than you, maybe 1-2 inches with the heels. She is quite an asshole if height difference of 2 inches is more important for her than maybe 2 decades of your friendship.
*You* didn’t, *she* did.
That sounds a lot like [the Sunk Cost Fallacy](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_cost).
But she has already dropped you. Ask yourself: Would *you* ask a friend to do what she has asked of you? Probably not. Friends don't ask their friends to leave their spouse at home because of their height and because it'll "look weird in the pictures".
*They just don't.*
How does your husband feel knowing that his wife's friend doesn't want him at her wedding because he's 1cm shorter than you? It's not only an insane thing for your friend to do, but it's insulting to your husband. I'm surprised you're being so patient about it.
He isn't that surprised as he always thought she was shallow. It hurts him tho I think but since I said I am not coming without him he is okay.
We agreed to give her chance to apologize in case it is just wedding stress. She has time till tomorrow then we are closing it and we are not coming and I think it is also end of the friendship then.
Regardless of whether she's your friend, not inviting someone to a wedding because they are 1cm shorter than their wife indicates that there's something wrong with your friend. What other insane things does she say or do? What other restrictions will she place on your husband because he's 1cm shorter? Can you and your husband visit them? Dinner? There's no value in this friendship other than slowly building up a list of things your husband hates but isn't willing to fight you on. What
I never understand why people cling on to relationships that are obviously bad for them just because "oh well we've known each other for a long time."
Yeah but she just did, you didn’t do anything.
Shouldn't it be YOU forgiving HER here? If she values your friendship at all she wouldn't have put you in this position in the first place. It doesn't sound like losing her friendship is any great loss, considering how she is behaving.
Is she more important to you than your husband? If so, focus on your friendship with this jerk. If your husband and your marriage is important to you, drop that fake friend.
Of course my husband is more important.
There’s a reason why your husband doesn’t like her. She’s shallow and self centred. I would almost guarantee that if you stopped speaking to her you’re after a few months you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted. NTA
Your friend is a bigot, and your husband is a victim of her bigotry. You may not want to lose her friendship, but you may want to consider what it means that you're willing to be friends with someone who's openly disrespectful towards your husband.
"Don't hang on to a mistake, just because you spent a long time making it"
NTA. A couple is one. Excluding one because of some superficial trait is offensive and wrong. Replace height with weight, or physical deformity, or scar. Or race.
Yeah if it was to do with guest limitations/restrictions there is an argument to be made, but the exclusion due to something so superficial there is no argument
Exactly! Once I went to a wedding with a friend because my boyfriend and her husband were both not invited. The bride really was on a tight budget, and had to cut out everyone who was unnecessary. I was glad she still chose to invite me, even though she couldn’t pay for me to have a guest. This is completely different, though, and not okay!
My bridesmaids couldn't bring their husband's to my wedding because of my number limits with covid. If I invited their husbands I would have had to cut close aunts and uncles or my siblings. It's ridiculous to say spouses must always be invited, but the reason here is nonsense. The picture thing also doesn't make sense, because the wedding party photos don't include their spouses. Unless OP is insisting her husband be a groomsman...
Exactly, if OP was married to the brides ex or something it would be one thing but banning him due to his height??? WTF is she thinking?
Exactly NTA height is something that can't be changed. The bride is being ridiculous and very shallow.
I was fully prepared to come on here and vote differently because I assumed there would be an actual reason why she wouldn’t want your husband there. But holy moly.
Is she planning for your husband to be in every single picture? From my experience the SOs of the bridal party are maybe in like 2-3 shots of the whole day. She’s being incredibly rude and shallow, and you don’t need to deal with that.
Exactly my thought. He's not going to be in the majority of the photos as a guest. So either bride doesn't know how the photos work or she's making excuses for a different reason.
In my experience they’re not in any except any action shots from the dance floor, and who cares about height at that moment. This is so weird.
Yep, same. Her reasoning for excluding the husband is ludicrous.
I don't think we had spouses of the bridal party in any of the formal shots, and only a couple of posed "friends group" shots at the reception. Of course a lot of our bridal party were single, but still.
I’ve been a maid of honour three times and not once did the pro photographer take a photo with me and my spouse. He isn’t in the wedding party so he isn’t in the photos. It’s such an obvious solution for his bridezilla.
Y T A if you continue to remain friends with someone so shallow.
NTA the whole ‘weddings should be about the bride everything has to be their way and they can treat people however they want without consequence’ is a load of horse shit. You’re not obligated to go and may choose to decline for any reason you see fit.
Thank you. I was just feeling bad cause she needs to find a new made of honor now.
You have a sweet heart OP, she’ll be okay though.
She doesn’t though. She *has* a maid of honor. All she has to do is apologize for her rudeness and make it clear that your husband is absolutely welcome at the wedding.
That’s not a big ask. If she refuses, that’s on her, not you.
That's a whole lot of not your problem.
Don’t feel too bad. Have a feeling that’s be a costly “honor”. Many brides expect their MOH to plan, host, and pay for extravagant bridal showers and bachelorette parties in addition to the MOH dress and a wedding gift.
NTA. Are you sure this is actually about the height? Does she have any issues with your husband?
Well it is true she used to say he is not good enough for me cause of his interests and look but that was a long time ago. They are not friends but they are not mean to each other or anything.
> but they are not mean to each other
except when she uninvited him to her wedding, anyway.
He is not good enough for you because of his looks? Holy hell she is shallow
How could they even be friends when she's endlessly judging him because if his looks and his height? Why would he ever like her? Her shallowness is clearly not exclusive to her wedding day, it's just a culmination.
The photo thing seems like a weird excuse, doesn’t it?
Especially since plus ones aren't in any photos?
This is what I think! Because yes, people are shallow about their weddings.. but these 2 people's heights aren't far enough off that it couldn't be "amended" by giving him nice boots with a bit of a lift, and Miss Shallow Bridezilla didn't even suggest something like that. Makes me think she didn't want to even try to "solve" the thing she had an issue with
NTA- Honestly this isn't really surprising, if your friend is so shallow that your husband's height triggers her just ditch the judgy friend.
NTA - while it's her wedding it is your choice to be part of it and if you decide not to, she has to accept it. She's the AH in this for excluding your husband. A wedding is after all a union so if she can't accept your union to your husband and the fact, that it's the two of you or none, then it's her problem and she has no right to belittle/judge you
Well she says it is mostly bad of me.to refuse because I was supposed to be the maid of honor.
TBH that doesn't change anything. Even if you were supposed to be the maid of honor, if she can't honor your hubby for a stupid reason, why should you bend over backwards to accommodate for her?
NTA. This notion that it's the bride's day can only really be taken too far. Brides shouldn't take it as a license to literally be assholes and make crazy demands of their guests. You don't owe this woman your time if she insists on being shallow and disrespectful.
As an add-on, I actually think brides who fixate on their weddings as their DAY and therefore everyone has to indulge them and do everything EXACTLY the way they want are shallow and petty. You might want to reconsider this friendship.
>As an add-on, I actually think brides who fixate on their weddings as their DAY and therefore everyone has to indulge them and do everything EXACTLY the way they want are shallow and petty. You might want to reconsider this friendship.
Agreed. I find the notion absolutely ridiculous.
NTA. It being the bride’s special day has limits. I’ve read bridezilla stories where the bride wanted to do everything from changing a guests hair color to making everyone wear different height heels so everyone would be the exact same height. It’s not about their day, it’s about control.
A wedding is meant to be friends and family coming together to celebrate a union. It’s not a Hollywood production with a casting director.
>A wedding is meant to be friends and family coming together to celebrate a union. It’s not a Hollywood production with a casting director.
YES! THIS! It completely boggles my mind how weddings turn people into monster control freaks, becoming horrible people in the process, and other enable them because "it's their day." Fuck that shit. A wedding isn't a licence to be a shitty person and treat the people supporting you like crap. It seems a lot of people are more excited about the actual wedding day and getting all the attention on them rather than the marriage and being one with the person they love. It's like they use the wedding to boost their egos I can't wait to marry my long-term partner, but I'm more excited about the marriage itself. The wedding is just one day. The marriage is what's important.
Your friend is very shallow, and your housband is right. You are the NTA.
I dont think its worth losing a friend over, but sit the bride down, and explain that you feel she is not respecting your choice of partner based on a meaningless superficial fact.
If you cant bring your SO like the rest of the wedding party, you will feel that she doesnt value as much as the rest of the wedding party. Be calm, explain it rationally, and say you stil want to be friends.
This is not the horse to die on.
You pick hills to die on, you're stuck with the horse you rode in on.
Thank you, I will try that.
She’s saying it will ruin her photos - literally saying that you and your husband together are so visibly objectionable to her that it will ruin her photos - to the point that she would rather openly exclude him, have you alone for the day (when presumably you have done a lot to support as MOH) and risk your entire long term friendship. That is WILD.
How many photos does the bride even have with the MOH and their husband if he isn’t a groomsmen?!? I don’t have a single one with them from my wedding. Just with the wedding party.
Surely this is about more than his height and photos…
This is what I was confused about. My ex bf was best man at his friend's wedding. I never got a pro photo with them. Just a snapshot at the reception. Doesn't make sense why this is a big deal.
Wouldn't trust this friend to like you for you at this point. Also maybe they have to change some plans because you were/are the maid of honour, but the drama she talks about seems to come from her.
Yes that is why I thought I could actually be the A cause it will create a lot of problems for her for finding new maid of honor.
self imposed problems don't deserve pity
NTA - yes it’s her day, but it’s not her day to start BS like that and not pay a price for it.
“Your hubby’s too short”
“Ok, find a new MoH and a replacement friend, bye!”
NTA. She's being incredibly shallow and basically body-shaming your husband. It's also exhausting hearing all of these excuses about it 'being the brides day!'. People don't get a special pass to be an AH just because they're getting married.
If she wants to exclude him, especially over such a petty reason she kind of does have the technical right to. But an attitude like that comes with consequences, one of which is potentially losing your friendship.
NTA. I assume that other friend is not married, and the bride didn't actually put herself in your shoes. "Until death do your part" and "in sickness and health" probably includes siding with your spouse more than bad friends.
She is not married, but she has a boyfriend (who is allowed to come).
NTA I don't get brides wanting their wedding day to be so "perfect", making people do things they don't want to. So inconsiderate
I can’t believe she is demanding this request of you. She is being 100% ridiculous and this is 100% disappointing in her character. Hopefully this is not normal behavior for her because I would question our relationship and she will apologize.
Do not move forward with any wedding festivities. Politely and firmly stand your ground. It would be wrong of you to attend, especially as the MOH role without your husband.
She was always a bit petty but she never actually demanded anything like this. I was shocked and very sad. I would stand my ground but the other friend that said she is right made me doubt my decission.
Thank you for support.
Is your other friend married? I would guess not and if they are, I can’t help but wonder how their marriage is.
Seriously, stand your ground. I am sorry that this is going on as this is stressful and so unnecessary.
This behavior is so ridiculous. I am irritated and she isn’t even my friend! Good luck.
My other friend is not married, she has a boyfriend tho.
And thank you.
Wonder if your other friend would change her opinion if the bride asked her boyfriend not to go to the wedding. I think I already know the answer to that. Sounds like both of your friends are selfish assholes. NTA unless you go to the wedding without your husband, which would make you complicit and an asshole to your husband as well.
I have to admit I was considering it just to not stress her out but after all the supportive comments I am standing my graund.
You should stand your ground. Even if it is your last act as matron of honor, show her, by example, how to love and honor her husband.
Seriously? She's insisting you attend alone because your husband's shorter than you?
You're NTA. Your friend is being ridiculous.
NTA this is ridiculous
NTA. If you love your partner more than your friendship with her, then I think you should not go.
I totally agree that "the difference is not that big".
Or maybe when you asked for the reason for why she was said that it would be better if my husband didn't come, she was forced to say something so she said that its height. But actually, it is something else.
> Or maybe when you asked for the reason for why she was said that it would be better if my husband didn't come, she was forced to say something so she said that its height. But actually, it is something else.
It’s gotta be. She invited him in October and it’s not like he’s shrunk since then. Plus it’s so lame there’s no way it’s real
NTA, her reasoning is ridiculous, just because it’s her day, doesn’t mean that her unreasonable actions and wishes are justified.
NTA and why would your husband be in the main pictures anyway, when he’s not in the wedding party? This is a very weird problem
NTA. If her real concern is photos, people often use steps for this shit.
She doesn’t sound like anyone I’d want to be associated with, personally.
NTA. This is discrimination. Like a clear cut case
Just imagine if she said "sorry your husband can't come, he's Mexican and would look weird next to all whites in the pictures"
The fuck is that? Just covering discrimination thought s lunatic sense of art
NTA. This "friend" of yours is a horrible person.
Her reasoning is completely backwards. It’s going to look odd a couple years down the road and you are in the pics without your husband.
NTA, that's incredibly shallow and hurtful.
NTA How rude. I’d understand if she didn’t want him there because he was a bigot or racist or something like that. But because he’s shorter than you? What the hell? It’s her day but that doesn’t give her free reign to insult other people and make them feel like shit. God forbid you change something about your appearance, she’ll stop liking you next.
What? Noooo, I don't want to believe such insanely shallow people exist.
She didn't want your husband to come because she deemed him too short to be in the pictures? What kind of bull is that? How privileged has her life been that she has the time to come up with such thoughts? I'm honestly more in shock than anything.
Why would you ever want to remain friends with someone like that? If she can come up with such reasonings then surely she has more insane thoughts like this. This cannot be a one off thing. You don't jump from normal, functioning human being to 'your husband is too short for my wedding pictures' overnight.
that woman is not your friend
Remove her from your circle.. what would she do if he was disabled? In a weelchair etc ? Such a b****...
NTA. Her reasoning seems to be very childish. If she thought you were such an important factor to her wedding she shouldn’t have even care about your husbands height.
NTA. Was in a similar situation but with family members . My siblings’ invitations were rescinded. So i took it upon myself not to show up.
NTA-I don’t go anywhere my partner isn’t welcome. We’re a package deal. No her? Then no me. Period. Full stop. Find you some new friends...ones that aren’t shallow and full of themselves.
NTA. And she definitely is. Being asked to be her maid of honor implies you are good or close friends - and asking a close friend to exclude their SO because of something as superficial and disrespectful as this is rude, hurtful and not something a good friend does.
Had she expressed that she wished he maybe not be included in some pictures, sure, if it makes her happy on 'her' day. But excluding him from an event because of his 1cm shorter height than you?? I would not want to be maid of honor to someone like that and I would reconsider the friendship somewhat. Has she asked stuff like this from you before?
I also think 1cm is not much and that is why offered I won't wear heels but she didn't like that idea.
She never asked me anything like this before.
She said she thinks he isn't good enough for me, but she never demanded that I will exclude him from events (not even back then when he was my boyfriend)
1cm is nothing and even if it were more it's rude and disrespectful to demand of you
And I could be way off here, but I think maybe she just doesn't like him and hasn't felt able to express it enough earlier without being an obvious asshole. So now when it's her wedding day she feels she can do it and expects you to accommodate her without arguing.
It's not a cool move of her either what her reason is. As long as you are happy with your husband and he's treating you well a good friend should accept that and be happy for you. (It would be another matter if he had been rude to her in the past, but from your post and comments it doesn't seem to be like that)
He was never rude to her and she was never directly rude to him. When she was saying he isn't good enough for me she said it is because of his interests and his looks.
My husband treats me good and I love him. If she really have a different reason I wish she told me but I really don't know what would it be but maybe it is what you say or it is mix of the height and the reason you mentioned.
You can always ask her but i sadly doubt that will give you an honest reply. It sounds from your info that she's superficial and he simply doesn't fit into the image she wanted and she's mad it's not her place or choice to change that. Stay happy with your husband and evaluate how she values you as a friend if this is the hill she chooses to die on. Remember that you are not the unreasonable one here
NTA. I'm about the same height as your husband. Short guys get shit on all the time, so I'm not surprised.
Wow! Is she getting married for the Gram? To have these picture perfect images to show all and sundry? Not bad to so if you are not discriminating on someone that is not built as you desire them to be! I would not call this person a friend.
NTA - I see from your comments that the bride has been a friend of yours for a long time, and that you don't think she'll forgive you if you don't go to the wedding.
It is her that has caused the drama, not you. So if this friendship falls apart, it is her who caused it.
Not allowing your husband to come to the wedding because of his height is something he can't do anything about. It's the same as if she didn't invite him because of his race, or religion.
It would be more understandable if he and she didn't get on, or he gets too drunk and makes a scene, or something like that, but because of how his height would look in photos? Ridiculous.
Thank you for this reply.
It is true she doesn't like him very much, when he was just my bf, she was saying he isn't good enough for me tho she stoped after some time and never said anything since he become my husband.
They are on a neutral ground, they don't interact much but when they do they talk friendly/are polite towards each other.
NTA. I can see why your husband does like her much. She is awful. Uninviting a guest over something like this is horrible and shows how shallow she is.
If she expects you to choose her over your husband, and believes that being a bride gives her the right to judge and disrespect, better to tell her off like you did.
WTF. NTA. An inch of difference, really? Someone needs to get her priorities straight and it's definitely not you. I'm shorter than my DH by about five inches (5'4"), but my sister is shorter than me by about 2" and you can't really tell the difference. The bride is shallow. Maybe there's a good reason your DH doesn't like her much?