AITA for crying because our bed was wet
By - Boring-Bench1542
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Because I cried instead of being empathetic to my husbands problem, instead of crying I could have been more understanding of his problem
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
1. He has a serious medical issue if he’s sweating this much at night and he needs to see a doctor or sleep in a separate bed
2. He sounds really inconsiderate of your feelings and health. Because sleeping in someone else’s bodily fluids (sweat) is gross, and sleeping in wet sheets can cause skin problems.
In conclusion, he’s a AH and I think you need to step back and consider whether this is only area of your lives that you clash in. I’m guessing there’s more.
Edit: ESH. Ok, assuming that the husbands comment is legit from the husband, you both need to to step back for a second. Dude, I still think you should see a cardiologist just to be safe. Lady, did you wake him up and SCREAM at 2AM and then refuse to let him change the sheets? If so, you need to get a grip.
Exactly this. Plus, when you're sleep-deprived or half asleep, your "rational brain" is still asleep so your emotions take the wheel more than they usually would. Not that this response is irrational at all, I once cried and slept on the floor of my room because I spilt water in my bed while I was drunk.
It is not normal to sweat that much and it is affecting you. I think everyone would be upset and grossed out if they woke up in a pool of someone else's sweat. Your husband is the one being a big baby because he is prioritising his embarassment over your feelings on the matter. Someone who loves you would actually show care and concern if you were crying at any time, no matter the reason. My ex and I used to sleep in separate bedrooms on days where one of us was a lot hotter or colder than the other. We did this because we cared that the other person got a good and restful sleep.
The biggest thing in this post is not the sweating or crying, but the fact that your husband doesn't care about your feelings. Someone who did would see a doctor about the condition, try to find some sort of solution or fix to ensure it didn't affect you. And if this situation occurred, would change all the sheets on the bed or set up the spare room or sofa so you could sleep. That is the bare minimum for a supportive partner. You are NTA but your husband is and you need to seriously look to see if this is a pattern of him downplaying or getting angry at your feelings.
EDIT: thank you for the gold, kind stranger :)
Haha I regularly do this. Not that exact scenario, but dream that somebody dies and am completely inconsolable for a good ten minutes. Sometimes that person isn't a real person I know, sometimes they are a person who was just in my dream.
I had that happen to me with my cat once, thankfully she was at the end of the bed when I woke up. Though for a few days a almost panicked any time she was laying particularly still on the ground
I would like to greenlight this show.
I woke up in a car ( road trip) and cried for like 5 minutes that the bird icon on the gps ( it showed a bird instead of a car) was not two birds, but was in fact one bird and its shadow.
Yes! Everything is 10x more traumatic when you’re half asleep. When my dog was a puppy she puked all over me one night. Literally I was asleep, next thing you know I’m awake with my puppy standing on my chest gagging. I had about 2 seconds to react before she puked ALL over me and the bed. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried. It was like 2 a.m. and I called my mom crying hysterically. It happens!
Forgot to mention: OP’s boyfriend is the AH, OP is def NTA
I mean, he also doesn't sound like he was at his cognitive best.
Imagine waking up in the middle of the night and your SO is crying about something your body does uncontrollably. You're disoriented, embarrassed, frustrated at being woken up in the middle of the night.
This comment section seems to very readily assume the husbands reaction is indictive of a pattern, and I get why, but no ones commenting on the fact that it's a bit of an overreaction to cry about a wet bed (except to say thats proof of abuse), and that could also be indicative of a pattern (or the meds as he said).
She doesn't mention if she thinks crying was a abnormal response to this (and it is, doesn't mean she did something wrong but she should at least know). Regularly having someone cry at you *about* you can also be emotionally abusive and manipulative, but I don't see anyone mentioning that as a possibility.
Edit: also, he made a post in the comments and has a very different version of events.
I'm honestly genuinely surprised y'all though his was a pattern and didn't even consider her behavior could also be a pattern. Am I just unlucky enough to know people who do that? I'm an easy cryer myself but the phrasing here just seems off.
Your first reaction to waking up next to someone you share a bed with sobbing should not be uncontrollable rage, cursing, and name calling.
I'm not going to equivocate about this even in the slightest. If your first response to someone, who you love enough to marry, crying is screaming and name calling, you need to deal with your own problems or grow the actual fuck up and leave them alone.
My partner offers to sleep on the couch when she's keeping me up from tossing and turning or similar, since I have a chronic pain disorder and sleeping on the couch would genuinely cause problems for me. She also has a weird thing with couches though, she has claimed when she voluntarily takes a nap on the couch during the day that it's more comfy than any bed she's slept in. I believe her but I don't get it xD
Your partner sounds lovely. I have chronic pain too so I get it. It's just legit so sweet that she'll take the couch though.
It really is, I'm grateful everyday for how awesome she is.
Depends on the couch but same for me. My mom couldn't understand why I always fell asleep on the couch
Shit... I need to see a doctor... had no idea waking up saturated was a health concern!
Can be a sign your hormones are off but also a sign of a few other nasty things like cancer.
To be fair, almost everything is a sign of cancer.
It also tends to happen when you drink alcohol.
\*Googles 'have headache'\*
WebMD: And it'll be your last
Yeah, I don't google symptoms for that exact reason
Night sweats are really common. On AITA if the answer isn't "he's gaslighting you, dump him" it has to be "you absolutely must have an extremely rare brain tumour that only affects 3 people globally every year".
It's certainly something you could discuss with your doctor, but if it's just night sweats getting bedding and sheets made from natural fibres and keeping your room cool can help a lot.
It happens to me sometimes. Usually when I'm on my period.
We can probably rule out the husband being on his period.
It's constant with me. I keep a fan on and in my open window all year, because I cant sleep if I'm too hot
I'm the same. I hate it. Walking anywhere makes me instantly overheat and sweat. I drink so much fluid to replace what I sweat out as well. It's awful.
It only happened me during menopause (it was god-awful) and when I drank too much wine.
I get night sweats from menopause but only in the crotchal area, which lemme tell you is a lot of fun \[/s\]. I didn't know that sometimes night sweats only affect a part of your body.
For me it's belly button to knees! Who even knew your thighs had swet glands! Wake up and it's like someone dumped a glass of water on my sheets!
Also, some people just cry easy. I never used to be one of them, but I'm noticing more and more recently that I cry over small issues (example: I had to call in sick from work today and I was fighting back tears because I felt bad). You can't always control what makes you tear up.
NTA My partner has the same problem but he would never scream at me, in fact if he hears me making a complaining sound he wakes up and ask non stop What’s wrong? And he can go back to sleep after I tell him everything’s fine
She woke up and begun to scream and shout at him? I can't imagine anyone reacting well to that.
It seems unfair to expect him to respond like an angel when he is woken up to the someone screaming and shouting at him for something he can't control.
Jumping on this for number 1.
My SO used to sweat like this and then was diagnosed with heart disease in his 20’s! Take this very seriously!
I sweated like that during menopause. I had to start sleeping on and under towels and have changes of clothing/towels for when I woke up.
I would often feel like crying in the middle of the night when my sleep was disturbed and this horrible, uncontrollable thing is happening. My husband never complained but if he had, you can bet we would have tried to work out how to avoid it becoming a problem on his side of the bed.
This is exactly what happened to me. I still sleep with a towel on my pillow and one where I sleep. Even after menopause, I still have hot flashes.
It's horrendous isn't it. I've been on HRT for 3 years now (or maybe more) but I am so prone to sweating still, I don't even have to be that warm. It's like it changed me forever and I hate it.
It is awful! I have been over menopause for about 10 years, but a very small percentage keep their hot flashes & night sweats forever. I am one of those lucky few /s
Waking up absolutely soaked was a damn nightmare. My hair would be wet from the hairline back. I am one of the lucky ones who's pretty much stopped with the hot flashes. But I am old.
I sweat a lot at night due to anti depressants. It’s super gross but a very common side effect.
I am so glad you said that because up until now, reading this thread, I was convinced I was dying. Nope, probably just the anti depressants.
Someone claiming to be the husband posted and there's more to the story.
Jumping on this for number 1 point above
My SO used to sweat like this and then was diagnosed with heart disease in his 20’s! Take this very seriously!
All of this!
How is it an ESH after the husband's comment? He's been to doctors about it, he's probably seen them for a long time considering he's had it his entire life. He's done that recently too, with his wife being present as well. And apparently, according to OP, it hadn't bothered her until that incident, which must mean it isn't bad enough to affect her regularly, or he takes some measures that it doesn't affect her.
So I'm the husband in this story, my wife wanted me to read this post to prove that she was correct in our private (now public) dispute.
Pretty much like most of these posts, they're all written from one persons side, and written in their most favorable light.
One thing my wife opted to leave out was that she did not simply just wake up and start crying, she woke up and started screaming and yelling at me which then moved into a crying tantrum. This was a 2am surprise offensive assault, not a meek crying over a situation.
At 2am nobody is at the cognitive best, and for me we just needed to correct the problem and get back to sleep since I wake up for work in 3 hours, so I started looking to change the sheets out, but she didn't like my first option as it was a dirty sheet, but I was given no other opportunity because all she clearly wanted to do at that time was to scream and yell at me, there was no open dialogue from her side.
The situation was going nowhere, she was being completely irrational and closed off to anything other than her screaming and yelling at me, so yes at 2am I snapped and yelled over her and stated that it was most likely the new pills she just started taking (that had a long list of bad side effects one of them being hyper emotional).
So I gave up and went back to bed since nothing constructive was happening.
After everything that transpired she went back to bed in the wet sheets to cry herself to sleep. She didn't take a single action to make her side of the bed dry, and wouldn't let me take any actions either. How can a rational person wake up start screaming and crying at her husband over wet sheets, then so readily go back to sleep in them? That's why I believe the medication was affecting her
As for me, yes I do suffer from night sweats, but it's far worse when a fan is blowing directly on me. I've had this issue my whole life so it's not some recent infection, since my wife and I have been struggling to get pregnant, we have both gone through a gambit of medical tests, and all of our tests have come back negative in every department, no infections, STI's...no other ailments we're two healthy people.
I run hot, my wife likes to joke that I'm her heater in bed, I think most couples have a similar relationship where the woman is generally cold and the man warms them up. But I run really hot, so much so that we discovered when we first started sleeping in the same bed we could not be under the same covers otherwise we both feel like we're in a sauna. So we actually sleep under different blankets in the same bed.
With that said, the weather is changing, we haven't taken the plastic down from our window so our room over the past few nights have been really hot, so last night we turned our whitenoise fan around and pointed it on us.
1. So I run hot normally
2. The weather is much warmer and our room is really hot with no fresh air flow
3. My night sweats are triggered more when a fan is blowing on me (which we had the big one fully on us last night)
4. My wife is on medication that has the side affect of causing hyper emotional states
5. She was screaming and yelling at me with no opening for any civil discourse in any way
6. It was 2am we were both jarringly woken up so neither are at our cognitive best, so yeah she didn't get an apology at that time, neither of us were thinking straight.
7. It was not a good night for either of us, this morning we're both on edge due to the lack of sleep, normally we resolve our issue through dialogue but she swung my office door open (I work from home) and dove right back into the fight like all we did was hit the pause button, she was not looking for conflict resolution. She then decided to air our dirty laundry here on this site to convince me that I was wrong, by telling everyone that she simply started crying and my only response was to scream and yell back at her making me out to be the only bad party in this quarrel.
I would take the time to try and understand a situation than just immediately call me an abusive husband, stress, depression, frustration, medication, isolation from covid, the fact that since I work from home, we've been together 24/7 for 3 years straight with literally no real apart time (I'm not joking, the amount of time we've been apart can be measured in hours on two hands), has contributed to a very basic simple issue we normally resolve quickly and internally exploding into an online post to be viewed publicly by everyone. As she mentioned at the start of her post, my sweats have never affected her before, last night was the first time, so all of a sudden this topic explodes into....this.
Well, from your reply, and the OP. I’m going with ESH. You two sound like a nightmare.
I am so tired just reading all this.
I know lots of couples that do this. Or like, get a couch? If hubby sweats then just move? My partner and I often find the other missing in the morning if we tossed and turned or whatever. Nobody is obligated to sleep together every night hahaha
Right? I have a huge comfy couch so if my husband and I can’t sleep or aren’t feeling well or whatever, we give the other a Teddy bear and move to the couch.
Okay the teddy bear bit is super cute
It’s basically a sleepy sign of “I’m moving into the living room, I’m not mad, go back to sleep.”
Super cute *and* prevents misunderstanding. I love this and you two are awesome for it
And I love YOU! I hope you have a wonderful weekend :)
I. Am going to steal this idea from you because between a newborn baby and my natural reactions to things (old childhood trauma stuff no one cares) I have been needing something like this to try and minimize my husband's and my nighttime disagreements.
You got this, girl. Everyone needs a little stuffed animal cuddles.
>the amount of time we've been apart can be measured in hours on two hands
But then they would be apart!!!
Same with my mom and my parents are happier than shit. They started doing that when I was really little. Now they opt to have their own rooms too. Lol
Yup. My parents are happier too. Before this, my dad’s super loud snoring really bothered my mom. She’s an insomniac because of her tinnitus. She would shift a lot in her sleep because he annoyed her and this would also disturb him. Now he sleeps in his painting studio which is right next to her bedroom (where they both used to sleep). They spend some time together before going to sleep and in the morning they wake up together and meet up in the hallway to go downstairs. It doesn’t really matter if your SO is next to you while you’re asleep because you’ll barely notice it... and sleeping alone in your bed is better than being awake all night and annoyed with your partner.
My parents do the classic old fashioned movie thing. Two twin beds in the same room several feet apart, which they can push together if they ever want to (I don’t ask about that lol). It’s definitely saved their marriage. My mom is a cover hog, and my dad used to wake up my mom when he went to bed. Separate beds solved both issues.
I have always wanted to do this. It looks so cute and full blanket control is a wonderful thing.
My husband had his own bedroom because he liked to watch the news 24/7 and it was too distracting for me. There was always something bad happening, I'd wake up and couldn't get back to sleep.
Yes, my dad and his wife have 2 single beds pushed together so they technically have their own bed but still next to each other.
It’s like a bad Mexican telenovela.
Turns out the night sweats are from nightmares about his wife dying...which actually happened and this other woman is an imposter. He'll realize soon enough and confront her when she's in bed with her lover.
That makes A LOT of sense!
Key word “bad”
Then where’s the cliché twist?
This response was actually written by the husband’s evil twin
You think the husband coming on here and telling a completely different story is not enough of a twist?
Not for a telenovela
Nope, many telenovelas are told with two different views. A twist would be if a supposed deceased family member was suddenly involved.
A sloppy salty wet nightmare at that
I'm wondering why you think husband is also TA? For yelling back?
The way he speaks about his wife is telling. They sound horrible together and need to address both sides.
You both still need counseling. The way you guys talk to and about each other doesn’t sound good at all. If you’re trying to get pregnant you need to work on this relationship before that happens.
The husband snapped but doesn’t seemed bad at all. People here really be acting as if you aren’t level headed 24/7 even in the most ridiculous situation then you have a serious problem and need counseling ASAP. It’s like do you expect people to actually act like humans ?
I love how you snapped at your spouse (or anyone) and automatically need counseling. This sub is toxic and so far removed from reality
Nah they throw counseling at anything. Forgot to say "good morning" cOUpleS tHErapY
don't you know that babies fix everything?
Perhaps the solution here is separate beds.
In different houses.
Downvote all you want, but I'm going YTA (@OP, not hubby).
So the wife blew a gasket in the middle of the night, pushed hubby into losing his temper enough to raise his voice, and then refused attempts to fix the situation, instead insisting on suffering.
Then, while clearly stewing the following morning, decides to make a public spectacle out of their private spat, where she paints him as the crazy abusive one (projection?), and herself as the victim.
Upon getting her confirmation bias from Reddit, she immediately resumed the conflict, in anger. Proving herself "right" is clearly more important to her than the sanity of the person who is actually working to support them.
Sorry hubby. I feel your pain, and wish you the best. Sorry you have to read all these people's perceptions of you as the AH, for raising your own voice in response to screaming, and then daring to defend yourself against an abusive public attack by your wife. Hope you can manage to not let her turn you into the monster she wants everybody to think that you are.
It just seems like if you two are airing your business on the internet, you could seek some counseling and have a professional to speak to rather than people on Reddit who are just making snap judgements. It feels like there’s a lot of resentment and pent up frustration from both of you. Best of luck.
TBF the only reason he is airing out his business here is because she decided to do so - all the while leaving out key information that I think affects the context and makes her seem more like the faultless victim. They def both need couples counseling though if they’re trying to introduce a kid into the mix :/
You need to get air conditioning or maybe a cooling bed pad under your sheets for your side. I live in an extremely hot and humid country (above 100 deg all year round), so I know how it can be
I’m sure you dislike sweating this much as well but it really sucks for your wife as well to have to tolerate this in the long term. Especially when she’s sleeping in YOUR sweat.
Either find a way to sweat less or sleep in separate beds.
ya'll this is a long standing problem with a lot of other stressors thrown in, which are some major ones. You guys need a break from each other (not a break up) just some alone "me time", it's super healthy, I swear. It sounds like everything came to a head last night and it all blew, and that's ok. But please get yourself some "me time"
Thank you for responding
Edit....I would also like to add, I had issues getting pregnant and found zero physical medical issues...mine was another weird issue. If your wife wants to know, have her message me.
Y'all need some counseling or at least to have a good talk when y'all are both calm. But probably counseling because this fight seems to be bringing out a whole bunch of other issues. Unless this is really and truly just the result of acclimating to a new medicine.
If you're legit (and also not leaving anything out), her post is completely unfair to you. Which would be fine in a rant to a friend, but shows some problems since she seemed to think her description was accurate enough to show you the post to prove her right. Also not a good idea to use AITA like this at all. AITA clearly pits both sides against the other, and that's not how you have a healthy disagreement. Y'all need to talk kindly and not focus on being the winner.
If her new medication really does effect her emotions it's understandable that she might have been blindsided by them, but in the future shes going to have to learn to control her responses. With time and the knowledge that medication is affecting her emotions, there's not an excuse for this kind of behavior. It's alright to have strong emotions even to something small like this, and it's understandable to make mistakes because of them, but that doesn't make it okay to mistreat your partner(both of you).
"Also not a good idea to use AITA like this at all. AITA clearly pits both sides against the other, and that's not how you have a healthy disagreement. "
My sentiments exactly!
When *is* it a good idea to use AITA? Only in times when you're not seeking conflict resolution and just wanna know that you were correct to feel how you feel?
The correct way to use AITA is to not use it at all. Maybe for the pettiest of petty disputes that carry no real weight and where the judgement doesn't even matter, but you're just curious to hear what people think.
I agree. This sub is toxic as fuck and makes exactly zero effort to hide the toxicity, sexism and blatant hypocrisy that fills it.
But it’s also great entertainment
Ok, this is making me go with ESH. It sounds like you two have some issues to work out. Sounds like some separate beds and time apart will do you a world of good.
You mention trying to get pregnant - I have some personal experience with fertility meds making me particularly emotional. I had a full-on meltdown over the microwave beeping too loud. The medication enhanced not only my emotions but also my senses, both of which are already stuck at 11, so yeah, it wasn't fun. Looking back, I see how cringe that experience was. Your wife will likely do the same. Please be understanding of her during this time.
Yup... Had a breakdown on the sidewalk because my dog was walking too slow when I was taking IVF meds.... Those meds can be brutal
you two need to apologize to each other even if neither of you feel like you did anything wrong.
you also need to change the sheets and watch a movie and make some nice dinner together.
YTA - honestly I thought just crying was a bit of an absurd reaction. Her freaking out at you is not ok. You don't yell at someone for having a medical condition.
I would not have blamed her at all for just crying. Sometimes, without knowing why, your body reacts in the strangest ways (in this case crying) to the smallest things, and whilst you're having that reaction you're thinking "why am I reacting like this?" But it's out of your control and you don't understand it yourself. The wife becomes the AH for all the screaming that she failed to disclose in her post and for making this post in the first place. YTA OP and hubby don't listen to the people calling you an AH (all the E S H comments are super wrong), you did nothing wrong.
My husband has the same type of sweats ! He’s been tested for everything and yet everything has come back clear and normal so his sweats are as much a mystery than ever! I can see where you are both coming from. My husband will wake up in the middle of the night most nights to dry himself with his sweat towel (gross but we laugh about it) this usually means I get woken up. Mostly I’m fine with waking up because I usually check to see if he’s okay. Some nights where I haven’t long been asleep I will be a bit pissed and I will have a cry.
So I see where both of your frustrations come from. It’s not fair that it’s been published differently than it happened and I agree it’s not fair for everyone to straight away call you abusive when the whole story is not known.
did they do a sleep study? seems like he needs to be monitored in the sweaty moment lol
They haven’t done a sleep study actually never thought of that. I’ll have a chat with him and see if that’s something he wants to do ☺️
You REALLY need to get some counseling. The way you talk to and about each other is COMPLETELY horrible and in no way should anyone in a relationship talk to each other this way. Not to mention you’re trying to get pregnant? PLEASE PLEASE get counseling before you do that. If you drag a child into this whole mess you’re fucking shit people.
I think like them you are over reacting. Neither said anything horrible about each other. They just said the other yelled and wouldn't fix the problem. They are stressed and had an argument. Happens a lot. They just need to come up with a solution when they have both calmed down and deal with it. He even stated he believes her reaction was due to medication.
With the context of your husband’s comment, ESH. You both need to go to therapy, separately and together.
While there’s a lot going on here, I particularly don’t understand why you haven’t spent any time apart in the last 3 years? You don’t go to the supermarket, or see friends, or exercise alone?
Okay but sweating so much you SOAKED THE SHEETS is a you problem and anyone would find it disgusting to wake up in someone else’s sweat.
ESH for the situation but you, husband, are 100% the AH for not getting your issues under control
It may not be an issue he can control. I used to be on medication that causes horrible night sweats that would absolutely soak the sheets. I could not stop the meds and doctors offered no solution other than to not drink anything past 7 and I would sweat a little less. Yes it’s disgusting but it may not be something he can fix.
It doesn’t sound like he’s gotten any professional help though. And even if he had the solution would then be “honey, I think it’s time for separate beds.” That’s getting the issue under control if meds/drs haven’t worked. Not continuing to let his partner sleep in his bodily fluids
I agree that separate beds is probably the solution.
I've read his side and he's been tested for just about everything due to them trying for a baby. That's him trying to get his issue under control. And, I dont trust the wife anymore, he probably didn't soak the sheets, just like she was only crying.
He didn’t mention bringing this specific issue up to get to the bottom of it with his doctors. There could be anything from a cardiac issue to lymphoma to hyperhidrosis. He needs to tell the doctor about this specific problem and have them look deeper into it because sweating so much you are soaking your partner’s side of the bed is not normal and could be related to something serious and/or treatable.
And even if it isn’t treatable, the solution would be to set up a situation with separate beds.
Yeah, I cannot summon any sympathy for someone who doesn’t proactively make an effort to keep his copious bodily fluids from drenching a shared bed. At the bare minimum, he needs to be looking into a separate bed.
Put a few fans in the room, they don't have to blow directly on you but you can lower the temp in the room just by moving the air around. A ceiling fan works wonders.
You've likely had a general exam and a fertility one. Get to a cardiologist.
We live in 40C summer temps and my husband is a hot body like you, but I've NEVER woken up like she has unless the AC was dead.
Also, BUY MORE SHEETS!
Night sweats can also be a symptom of lymphoma. OP needs to have this sweating issue looked into specifically, not just the overall workups and testing that’s done for fertility stuff.
A solid ESH. You need a separate bed, and frankly, the way you speak about each other is terrible. Like- do you like each other? At all?
You both need to be more understanding of each other’s medical stuff. Which means stop dismissing the other’s feelings and invalidating them because of hormones or whatever. Get separate beds, decent sleep, counseling, and maybe a divorce if you can’t learn to get along again.
This is draining and we’re not even married to you.
I’m glad we could get the other side. It sounds like this is a big problem, but hopefully it can be solved. Your wife may need to talk to her doctor about the side effects of her medication. Maybe some slight changes can help mitigate the extreme moods. That said, no one wants to go to sleep on a soaking wet bed. My husband and I use separate blankets too since we run at much different temperatures. Is there a way to put a cooling mat on your side of the bed? A portable AC to put in the room for some extra cooling power? If you have a king size bed, you could switch out the mattress for two twin XLs and still use the same frame. That way your sweat is kept more on your side.
I do hope you two can find a good middle ground on this. Both of you need good sleep, and the current system doesn’t seem to be working.
If you are the husband:
I'm sorry you're being subjected to stuff like people saying you'll be terrible parents, that you sound exhausting, etc. Just like in all other areas of life, take what people are saying with a grain of salt and move on doing what works for you. At the end of the day no one is in your life except you, your wife, and other people you invited into it that make it richer. Don't take any of this too seriously.....people behind a screen will say whatever they want.
You guys messed up, skipped a beat. It happens. No big deal unless you want it to be/think it is a symptom of a larger issue. Key word being *you,* here.
ESH is the best answer, for a lot of reasons. Good luck mate.
You both sound awful
I also sweat much because of my mefication but never so much, that the whole bed is wet. Even if i could rinse the sweat of my back (at worst nights), the bed was just wet were i was laying. So why is the side of your wife wet?
You should really lay on towel. And exchange them when waking up at night. Have a really light blanket, the weight can also make a difference. And try to cool down the room. It can help wonders. I hope you have a mattress cover which repel liquids.
So...I suffer from severe night sweats as well and have my entire life. I also sweat easier than anyone I know. It has a name Hyperhidrosis. My father has it as well and I guess he passed that lovely genetic bit on to his 1st daughter (me 38).There are some treatments. They don't all work but some do. I'm fortunate and my boyfriend understands that I cannot control it. I often joke it is only going to get worse when menopause hits so might as well start sleeping in separate beds now. We currently use separate blankets to sleep under because I feel bad if he has to touch sweaty, disgusting blankets and sheets. Being woke up at 2am sucks but both of you should have changed the bedding together instead of expecting the other to do it alone.
While the argument and actions were made public, they were not done so in an identifiable way. There was really no need to focus on that. There is something else going on here other than your night sweats and her medication. Therapy is needed. Some time away from each other, with friends and/or family is needed. Clean, backup sheets that are easy to throw on the bed at 2am are needed. Respect and understanding is needed from BOTH of you.
I think you two need help.
Ignoring all the glaring communication problems, you two could try switching your bed out for two twins pushed against each other and have separate sheets and blankets.
please don’t have kids, I’ll feel bad for them
Yo man, I use sheex sheets as a pretty heavy sweater.
They’re a bit weird and stretchy but they wick like crazy, I wouldn’t go back.
Woah woah hold up. Is that behaviour normal for him? Like is that how he normally treats you?
Edit - in light of the husband's response it's YTA/ESH. Definitely YTA for such a misleading post. Get some counselling and separate beds and if that doesn't work get a divorce.
This. There is nothing right in his behavior.
Yup, like forget the sweating or whatever she needs to get out of there now, no way that relationship is healthy.
It's just a claim, and this whole story is likely fake anyway, but still.
Ya I managed to find the comment. Ridiculous on both sides
Yeah, this is the real question here. I could maybe understand him being kind of defensive about it if he was embarrassed about sweating that much but not to the point of shouting and insulting you like that. That’s messed up.
My question too. Like, honestly, it does feel like waking up and just starting to cry over wet sheets is a weird reaction? But also like it's being brought about by an incredibly emotionally unhealthy relationship from top to bottom. If things are that fraught and harrowing maybe it does make a kind of sense that the only thing to do is cry.
Do you have the link?
I'm sorry, but WTF, you're a grown ass woman. You sat and bed and cried instead of trying to find a solution yourself "cried yourself to sleep". Your husband sounds like he has a medical condition, but damn, sleep in another bed until he resolves it!
Based on your husband's response (assuming it's actually him), YTA. You left out the part where you woke him up by screaming and swearing at him, and not letting him change out the sheets. That's a tad different from just crying.
If you're having that difficult of a time sleeping in the same bed with him, then perhaps it's time to sleep in separate rooms or go 50's TV show-style and sleep in two twin beds.
NTA, your husband needs to see a doctor
Night sweats can also be caused by other medical conditions, such as:
infections, like tuberculosis or HIV
cancer, such as leukemia or lymphoma
congestive heart failure
I'm seconding this. There was a fella here in the uk who went viral for his symptoms, and his girlfriend was very frank about how much he sweated over night and how mean he turned. I mean they almost broke up because he got nasty. Turned out to be blood cancer, which did some odd stuff with his brain.
YTA for not telling the whole story
Especially YTA for then rubbing his face in the Reddit replies that she basically conned her way into getting by giving such a lopsided version of events
YTA You incapable of just getting out of bed and finding a blanket to sleep on the couch? Sheesh.
YTA. This isn’t something he’s doing maliciously, it’s a medical problem that he doesn’t control. You’re allowed to feel frustrated but crying right there in front of him made him feel like shit because you’re making it clear that you’re miserable just because of how he is. That’s just downright mean.
*huge eye roll*
My SO has a condition due to an injury and every blue moon he wets the bed and I have woken up in it before. Not once did I start crying. That sh*t was totally unnecessary and inappropriate of OP to do.
A part of me wanted to make a references to periods or something.
If a man started crying right in front of his wife over some major period leak all over the bed, even if he was tired and stressed, I cannot in my life imagine reddit not calling him the asshole. And period blood would be more worth crying over because you have to deal with it before it stains or ruin your sheets, and blood is just worse than sweat on the grossness scale. It's not a perfect comparison, but like some people aren't getting why crying about this would be insulting
Like, it's okay if it does upset you a lot, but like get out of the room? Don't guilt and embarrass your partner for something out of their control.
From husband's post I'll have to say YTA or ESH
YTA though for making such a misleading post
I don't know if you are an A H, but certainly dramatic... Did you try to find a solution? Could you have just changed and went to sleep in a guest room or couch? It seems like he should be speaking to a doctor regarding the night sweats, and yes it is a little gross, but is it really worth crying over at 35?.
You're right though, he shouldn't have yelled or gotten angry, but it also sounds like the sweats aren't anything he can control either. He should have apologized for his reaction, but not the situation. Maybe both of your reactions were out of line? ESH
You're a grown woman and you sat in bed crying rather than figuring out the solution to the problem. Seriously? After reading husband's side id say ESH, maybe even YTA for not letting him fix the problem when he was trying to.
YTA for conveniently leaving out details that would have painted you in a different light.
NTA. sleeping in wet (either slight or soaking) is uncomfortable. When the wetness is caused by sweat it's gross and even more uncomfortable.
I don't know how this can be resolved though. Two things that popped into my head were: seperate beds or hubs sees a doctor and gets some sort of medication to stop what sounds like excessive night sweats.
I'm assuming hubs reaction was out of embarrassment but even so, his sweating to the point of soaking you and the bed is not something you have to put up with. And he shouldn't expect you to.
YTA not only because of what happened but also for trying to make your husband sound like he’s a horrible person with no care in the world about your situation. You left out crucial information in your post that would have made you out to be the asshole but thankfully your husband came and filled on the blanks. Yta satan.
I am a major sleepwalker. The random stuff people like me do in our sleep unknowingly is sometimes almost unbelievable. Now I'm not saying this is his issue but my sleep doctor once told me a story about a former patient who woke up almost every morning drenched in a cold sweat.
Bed would be sopping wet. Extensive medical tests, drug trials, counseling, nothing worked. Guy was convinced he was dying. He and his wife even made sure all his affairs were strictly in order, bought gravesites, explored all their hospice options, etc.
All that was left was the death watch.
They had a system to help him stay dry. Rubber sheets under regular sheets. Towels, new sheets and fresh pajamas in a chair by the bed to make cleaning up earlier.
Then one morning the wife noticed that he had changed his dripping wet pajamas into the dry ones at some point in the night but the bed was still dry with the previous sheets still on the bed. Bugged her enough she started color coding each days set of clean pajamas and clean sheet sets. Kept happening. She quizzed him repeatedly but he could never remember even changing the pajamas much less what was going on with his sheets. To solve the mystery she set up a camera (with his permission).
Guy was SLEEP SHOWERING in his FLANNEL PAJAMAS and then getting back in bed soaking wet. Remembered NOTHING. Apparently when they set up the "stay dry" system his brain managed to signal him to change out of his now wet pajamas but it couldn't get him to take them off before the nocturnal shower lol.
Somehow they figured out a way to turn off water or lock the shower faucet each night they go to bed. He still sleep "showers" but with no water.
ESH. Him for obvious reasons related to his reaction but also you for your reaction.
What did you hope to accomplish by crying? This is not something he can do something about in that moment, the sweat already happened and was out of his control. Did you think you could guilt the sweat back into him?
If the bed got so wet you couldn't sleep there, then go sleep on the couch or spare room for the night and deal with it in the morning when everyone is rational. There is zero to be gained from sitting in a puddle of your own tears. Unless your goal was to wake him up and put a guilt trip on him for something in that moment he could not control.
YTA, Grow up. there are so many things you could have done instead. And yes you are a child and ridiculous...
YTA. You left out a lot. You shouldn’t be behaving like that, you’re an adult.
I would hate to be your husband if you had to deal with a newborn baby's leaky diaper at 2am if that's how you react when you have to wake up out of your sleep. Two babies crying at once. One an adult.
INFO: is the comment purporting to be from your husband an accurate summary of the situation?
YTA after reading both sides.
YTA. After reading your husband's side, you are a huge asshole for 1. Yelling at your husband for something he can't control, 2. Refusing any attempt to mend the situation, and 3. Leaving out a shit ton of information to make yourself look better. You made your husband sound straight up abusive, when he was really just tired and frustrated at your wildly irrational behavior.
Given the husbands response: YTA.
I hate to tell you this but if YOUR pillows are wet you were the one who was sweating. I get night sweats while not pleasant its nothing to cry over. And since you were crying i would get your hormones checked out. Go see your gyno
I was leaning toward YTA before reading the husband’s comment, because I don’t understand what OP is crying about either! If I were confronted with screaming and crying in the middle of the night for something that I can’t control, I’d be pissed too.
YTA And I can’t believe more people don’t see that. If it was a man that woke up his spouse and was screaming and yelling at them because the bed was wet and then started crying like a maniac the comments would be going off on him. You need help. Your behavior is extremely abusive and manipulative.
With your husbands update YTA because you knowingly left out info to victimize yourself. Had you acknowledged *any* of your own negative behavior here it would be ESH, but his held both parties accountable whereas yours cherry picked the parts that were good for you to paint him in a bad light. And now look at all of the people assuming your husband is abusive because you *needed* to be right. Its petty and childish
You know good & well no one will call you an ass for crying and you want to vent/sympathy because your husband yelled at you. Take this to r/relationshipadvice.
Unless she lied:
More like made herself out to be the harmless victim whilst leaving gaping holes in her story.
Literally every other aita post that
YTA and a liar. Even if only half of what your husband posted is true you're a petulant child who can't simply go to the couch or let him change the sheets.
Hey OP HEY OP, watch all these therapists invade your life about one question you asked reddit and tell you to dump your SO. NTA: kind of a silly thing to cry over, but gross.
EDIT: Saw husbands response, YTA: Probably need to get the FBI involved because he's obviously married to a child.
AH, I’m sorry but what grown woman wakes up and starts crying over wet sheets? If it was that bad go sleep on the couch for the rest of the night!
You woke your husband up shaming him for a bodily function he cannot control and yes, he overreacted. But drama is met with drama.
Then hearing your husband’s side of the story, definitely cemented my opinion. Yes, night sweats are gross. But, crying over it? I take it you don’t have kids? No littles peeing in your bed? I truly hope it was a side effect of your new medication and not your true personality. Especially the part of the story you just happened to omit; you waking him up by screaming at him.
> my pillow and covers soaking wet
I understand the sheets and all, but how TF did someone else get YOUR pillow wet?
ESH both of you guys overreacted instead of trying to find a solution. Do you not have a couch you could have slept on??
ESH - you stayed up all night crying instead of.... moving somewhere else? You guys can be a couple and not sleep in the same bed. There are solutions. Staying up all night crying is not one of them.
I mean... you’re tired but I’m sure you guys can still think right?
Here’s the thing before I read OPs husbands post I thought it was ESH because you really couldn’t think of another solution besides crying yourself to sleep in wet sheets REALLY???? Like even if it WAS the middle of the night you couldn’t find ANY other solution?
And after OPs husband response it’s definitely ESH. They BOTH sound like awful people who have no respect for each other and no problem solving skills.
ESH- crying seems a little ridiculous but berating you is way more ridiculous
I’d rate you but I have no clue what you were saying. Punctuation goes a long way
Ok I hate to say this but I experienced night sweats before being diagnosed with cancer. Go see your doctor ASAP.
NTA. Even if the excessive sweating isn’t your husband’s fault, it’s still gross to sleep in a bed or on sheets that are damp with sweat. I get grossed out when it’s my own sweat, I can’t imagine how much worse it’d be if it was someone else’s.
While the sweating itself might not been your husband’s fault, him shouting and insulting you definitely is. It’s one thing to get a bit defensive because you’re embarrassed and another thing entirely to lose it and go off on someone who’s already visibly upset like he did. Is that normal behavior for him?
ESH, wow y’all. Get a grip. Get some mattress protectors and get separate beds - or at least one of those beds with separate mattresses for either side. And sleep with a towel between y’all or something, and use AC instead of the fan. It’s not that hard to find a solution here.
NTA at all. Frustration manifests in many ways - I for one can be a crier in an argument! Sometimes things can overwhelm us and we can't control our emotions. I can completely understand why you would get to that point at 2am - sleep deprived and in an unpleasant situation. I really think you need to address how he responded, as that's not ok. Perhaps by the same reasoning he responded to the situation in a different way than he usually would too. Has he done this before? Have an open discussion with him once the dust settles because your discomfort is valid.
So, if the sweat thing isn’t a medical condition, other than the cooling pad suggestion, you may want to consider making the bed with: mattress topper/fitted sheet/second mattress topper/second fitted sheet, then continue as usual.
If things get extra sweaty, pull off the top 2 layers & go back to sleep.
Also works well when you’re potty training the littles for those nights when they don’t wake up yet but you’re off pullups.
ESH. Use separate beds, the guy should go to a doctor and definitely do not have children right now.
After reading the op's post and the husband's reply in the thread, I'm going with a soft ESH.
Neither of you handled the situation as well as you could have and there's a lot to unpack with being isolated together in your home for almost three years, if I read that correctly.
The easiest, most direct solution would be to get smaller separate beds. He's always done this and it wasn't an issue before, maybe whatever medication you're taking is actually affecting your emotional responses to things?
Couples therapy might be worth looking into as well, since it seems that you do both value each other but are very frustrated right now, circumstances being what they are. Good luck guys, I hope the best for you.
I’m going with ESH. Him for being insensitive to your feelings and you because one day you will go through menopause—or, like myself, I’m pre-menopause—and wake up most mornings absolutely soaking wet.
NAH: I understand that your husband's reaction was negative but he may have been embarrassed that he has been sweating so much and seeing you crying about something he feels he can't control made him embarrassed and reacted in the wrong way. He too was half asleep and likely wasn't think rationally. Sit him down explain you didn't mean to cry, that you were half asleep and it wasn't a reflection on him. Then say he needs to see a doctor. Tell him it is nothing to be embarrassed about but he needs to find out why he sweat so much. It could be a medical condition. The other possibilities is that do you like to crank the heat up? It could be the house is just way to warm for him. Could a compromise be made where you drop the temperature a bit and you just have an extra small blanket?
*Edit* So apparently some who allegedly is the husband had responded and stated it wasn't simply her just crying but waking up, screaming, yelling and crying. She refused to have the sheets changed out and then continued the argument the next day. He says he has had several medical tests done in relation to fertility and nothing had come back. He just "runs hot" I am still going to keep the NAH. It sounds like this is an ongoing issue and both just had a bad night. Sounds like counseling would be a great idea for both.
you want him to apologize for sweating or for being woken up in the middle of the night
You woke up in wet shits and instead of moving to the couch you started crying like a child and woke up your husband to complain about it.